“Once” Changes The Rules Of Summer By Reinventing A Genre

This summer, you can go see any number of movies about sexually ambiguous superheroes, wizards who try to cast spells against puberty and pop-locking robots. Or you can see a wonderful movie that could singlehandedly redefine the “musical” as we know it and change the entire way we look at that particular genre.

Summer is usually where cheese-mongers like Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer reside and flourish. So when a film comes along during blockbuster time that knocks you on your keister, it gives you faith that creativity still has a heartbeat in the cracks and seams of the movie industry. “Once” grabbed hold of me and wouldn’t let me go, to the point where myself and the rest of the audience sat stunned as the final credits rolled. Usually, as soon as the final frame of a movie is over, 60 people go careening off each other so they can beat the person next to them to the minivan in the parking lot … with “Once,” not one person got up from their seat until a full two minutes after the flick had ended.

The tale of a Czech pianist (Marketa Irglova) and an Irish busker (Glen Hansard) – I didn’t know the term, but apparently it means “a person who entertains people for money in public places (as by singing or dancing)” – “Once” is the brainchild of writer-director John Carney, a former member of Hansard’s real-life band, the Frames. Credited as just “guy” and “girl,” Hansard and Irglova are both heart-broken wanderers who use music as an escape and a salve for their wounds. When a broken Hoover vacuum helps forge a bond between them and reveals the musical link that connects them, they embark on a quest to turn the soundtrack of their lives into an actual album, no matter the obstacles or challenges. The journey brings them closer and closer, yet also presents the myriad factors that will always keep them apart. One of the messages is that you may meet the one person you were always supposed to be with, but fate may still conspire to keep you apart … so hold on for the ride and learn from it.

The story may seem trite, and mere mention of the word “musical” sends most dudes running for the hills, but Carney’s work turns the concept of a musical on its ear. This tale is wrapped around unbelievable music, instead of the other way around. It’s almost like U2 and Arcade Fire decided to collaborate on an album about a movie about a love story. Astonishingly, the captivating Irglova was just 17 years old when “Once” was filmed, 18 years younger than Hansard; also, Carney pulled off this amazing creation on a $150,000 budget. The movie gathered momentum when its tender mix of melancholy and music blew away viewers at the Sundance Film Festival.

If you’re good with thoughtless, spoon-fed entertainment this summer, you’ll be sure to find a dozen movies that will fill that void for the requisite two hours and 15 minutes. But if you have 85 minutes to spare and a yearning for something moving and original, put “Once” on your list … without even realizing it, your laughing, crying and humming will chase you out of the theater and stick with you for hours.

Limerick Friday L: A Dark Day For Hoops Fans

R.I.P. to Wake Forest’s Skip
Was always quick with a quip
A great leader for every Demon Deac
Once led Wake to the ACC’s peak
Taken so early, it just seems like a gyp

‘Fins training camp starting today
Not really optimistic, but what the hey
Have a new coach who isn’t a dildo
A new quarterback who knows how to throw
Just want them to play hard as hell and make other teams pay

Tim Donaghy cheated the NBA
Hard to notice because the game’s so blasé
Has bigger problems than outraged fans
Has to avoid the mob burying him in trash cans
Tony Soprano and the crew will make him rue his ratting day

Hillary vs. Obama on the campaign trail
Head-to-head competition doesn’t ever fail
Hillary has to defend her changing war stance
Obama has to prove he’s deserving of the chance
Neither could do worse than the prez who should be in jail

He hides behind a computer at home
Rapidly losing hair off the top of his dome
Loves PerezHilton.com and gossips like a 13-year-old girl
So nervous about poor Lindsay it almost makes him hurl
Misses former co-worker romances so much it makes his mouth foam

Last week ...

Shark Week ... On The Fashion Channel

Limerick Friday XXXIX: Proof That Pirates Are Bitches

Another typical story coming out of Greenville
About an EZU player who couldn’t get his dude fill
A team full of ‘necks and trannies
Playing football with no teeth and panties
The locker room made he/she realize he was not a Jack, but a Jill

A quarterback with no sense of accuracy
Has led the Falcons to constant mediocrity
Now he kills dogs and blames it on cousins
Tortures pets and buries them by the dozens
Should put him in a cage with pit bulls and test his mobility

I skate because it makes me feel free
I’m a company shill who ends every sentence with me
I karate kick random street signs
And kiss George’s butt whether it rains or shines
Here’s a tattoo from me to you: maybe we’ll marry?

Out a spy for political reasons
Then blame others for acts of treasons
Put a CIA agent’s life at risk
The lawsuit dropped with a tsk, tsk
People wonder why we’re ready for the White House’s change of seasons

I read the Emmy nomination list
And noticed that the boat was missed
How do you ignore “Lost” and “The Wire”
Did voters lose their TVs in a fire?
If “Flavor of Love” wins something I’m going to be pissed

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“Sicko” Lifts The Lid On The Dirt And Moral Bankruptcy Of The Health Care Cesspool

Did you know that health care in the United States ranks No. 37 in terms of effectiveness among developed countries? Did you know that the list of conditions that aren’t covered under our health care system is longer than Pacman Jones’s rap sheet? Did you know that HMOs reward their employees for essentially writing death sentences for their “clients”?

I bet documentary filmmaker Michael Moore didn’t know all these things – and hundreds of others – about the flaws and evils of our health-care system before he began investigating. I bet he’d even admit that his new film, “Sicko,” was the easiest he’s ever made. This movie basically wrote itself after Moore solicited health care horror stories on his Web site on a whim – and wound up seeing more than 25,000 e-mails hit his In-Box in no time at all. Moore grabbed his camera and set out to interview these people, and he followed the story wherever it took him.

Somewhat surprisingly, the tale took him to Canada, England, France and even Cuba. These countries have implemented socialized health care based on the premise of “pay according to your means, receive treatment according to your needs.” Over Moore’s journey of thousands of miles, he was able to put the spotlight on why the U.S.’s health-care system is so fundamentally flawed that the HMOs rake in the money by screwing over as many other customers as possible. Can you imagine any other company in our nation that would succeed using this premise? Neither could Moore. That’s why this film might be the most important he’s ever made – which is quite a feat in itself considering "Fahrenheit 911" played a huge role in changing the way many people view our current administration.

The contrast between the systems that are in place in forward-thinking countries and the one we endure here is incredibly stark. In Europe, physicians are incentivized to actually treat and heal patients; in America, physicians are incentivized to deny treatment. Pharmaceuticals are free across the pond, while drug companies in the U.S. see their bottom lines skyrocket by prescribing unnecessary, insanely overpriced medications and avoiding scenarios where the patient actually knows and understands what he or she is taking. The approach taken by our country and those in Europe and elsewhere is completely and absolutely backwards.

Moore personalizes the story by focusing on a cross-section of people whose lives have been destroyed by HMOs and our culture of greed. He finds 9/11 rescue workers who were subjected to a collection of respiratory illnesses, rightly identified as heroes in the aftermath – and later abandoned by the government and HMOs, to suffer in silence. Since our government is largely in bed with the mind-boggling amount of health care lobbyists that deluge Capitol Hill and buy off our representatives, the impetus for change has no foundation. Hopefully, films like Moore’s and better media attention will help provide the momentum for reform.

“Sicko” ends with a look at a new practice that involves hospitals putting patients without adequate coverage in taxis in the middle of the night and having them dumped on curbs in other parts of cities. Incredulously, Moore asks us to ask ourselves who we are and who have we become. Are we really part of a nation that stands by and watches as fellow countrymen who need our help are literally tossed out like trash? Che Guevera’s daughter is a physician in Cuba, and she asks Moore why America is the richest nation in the word, yet has one of the worst health care systems possible? Why do Third World countries enjoy longer, healthier lives than Americans? Why is health care free in nations without the resources we have? Shouldn’t the more a country produces naturally lead to the better it treats its citizens?

Critics will try to say that “Sicko” is long on emotion and short on facts, but it’s the same argument they used to try to limit the impact of “Fahrenheit,” to their own embarrassment and shame. Check out “Sicko” … and you’ll start wondering if you wouldn’t be better off wearing a beret and ending all your sentences in “eh.”

Limerick Friday XXXVIII: College Alcohol Orientation

A required course on drinking for freshmen Wolfpack?
A three-hour course whose textbook is a six-pack?
Teach you to avoid Colders 29 and love PBR
Show you etiquette on dollar night at Crowley’s bar
Homework is funneling the Hornet and shotgunning Johnny Walker Black

Coach Yow’s inspirational story keeps going forward
She’ll head to the ESPYs for another award
She won the honor named for Jimmy V
Keeping it in the Wolfpack family
When the whole country hears her tale, they’ll get on board

As the war in Iraq spirals out of control
W ignores every anti-war poll
He keeps burying his head in the sand
Looking for WMDs with no leg on which to stand
Getting him out of office before he attacks Iran should be the goal

Check the weather before you use your iPod today
Downloading lightning is a tad dangerous, I’d say
You’re more likely to get hit by a bolt
When you’re listening to “Sonic Temple” by the Cult
Unless you’re Sy Snootles, rock worship in a storm doesn’t pay

Are people actually skipping work to see “Harry Potter”?
Do they then go to the park and play on the teeter-totter?
Was asked if this movie I’d seen
I replied, “No, I’m no longer 13”
TGRK enjoys films like this – just check the police blotter

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“Coach Rickey Says Hit The Ball Like Coach Rickey Do”

A while back, Rickey Henderson’s name came up in a post about why in crikey’s name someone would constantly refer to themselves in the third person (this is called illeism, apparently). Well, last night, Rickey re-entered our lives, having been named hitting coach of my beloved New York Mets.

Sure, the Mets have been surprisingly inept at the plate this year, carrying a .268 average that ranks them sixth in the National League. Yet they’re still leading the NL East by two games with a 48-39 record, and to be fair, they’ve suffered a number of nagging injuries throughout their lineup.

Rickey certainly has the credentials to help out; even Rickey would tell you that Rickey has those. He’s a 10-time All-Star and baseball’s all-time leader in runs (2,295) and stolen bases (1,406), defining what leadoff hitting should be and setting the standard for all leadoff hitters for generations to come.

On the flip side, Rickey is, well … Rickey is nuttier than almond-centered peanut brittle. In recent years, he’s been harassing ballclubs that he played with in the past, demanding and begging to be put back on their rosters. He’s 48 years old and hasn’t played in the bigs since 2003 -- but he still refuses to retire. His solution? He’s been bouncing around the country, toiling for independent minor-league teams in the middle of nowhere, trying to convince anyone that he can still get it done. A wise man (OK, it was Ken Chen) once said that when you think everyone else is wrong and you’re right, maybe you’re the bird in the hand in the mirror with the early worm … or something. Anyway, Rickey has become something of a pariah in MLB, and now, out of nowhere, he’s the hitting coach for one of the league’s best teams.

As a co-worker pointed out, would anyone be surprised if Rickey steals a uniform and jogs out to center field for his first game, thinking that he could be the game’s first hitting coach/player? Can you imagine Carlos Beltran trotting out to take his position, seeing a withered old man standing in his place, turning to the dugout with hands upraised and saying, “Que pasa?”? Couldn’t they have made Rickey the bullpen hitting coach? Heck, by the time he realized that there are no hitters in the bullpen, he might just fall asleep in the corner after his 4 p.m. dinner and wake up with no desire to coach again. Or maybe they can just make him assistant to the traveling secretary … if it worked for George Costanza and the Yankees, I’m sure it could work for the crosstown Metsies.

Anyway, Scooter is disturbed by this latest turn of events in Flushing … and Scooter’s getting upset.

Frank Caliendo Is Funnified

There's a lot of versatility to a guy who can do spot-on impressions of George Bush, John Madden, David Letterman and Robin Williams. Frank Caliendo of MAD TV is best known for his great Bush takes, but he showed many other talents during "Impressionist Week" on Letterman ...

"This Was Supposed To Be The Summer Of George!"

An homage to perhaps the greatest character in comedic sitcom history ...

Limerick Friday XXXVII: America Beats Asia In Gluttony Olympics

How the freak do you eat hot dogs numbering 66
And still avoid a ferocious case of the sicks?
12,000 calories for that dude Joey Chestnut
Check back in three years and check the size of his gut
Still, Kobayashi didn’t let an arthritic jaw slow his eating fix

Back in some old stomping grounds
No, not where CEO’s curse and you get hand pounds
Back rolling on the means streets of Cary
That will once be ruled by the Brandow that’s wee
Cube life ain’t half as glamorous as it sounds

You can’t contain someone named Libby
That Scooter got off freaking scot-free
When you’re a Bush crony, things always work out
Whether you shoot someone or there are other rules you flout
Hell, all he did was out an agent – W lied to invade a country

Russian after Russian hits the tennis courts
Like an assembly line of hotties in skorts
Ivanovic, Vaidosovic, Dementieva and Hantuchova, oh my
Of course, Maria Sharapova is rather easy on the eye
Whoever thought Wimbledon would be a turn-on with these teens’ grunts and snorts

A fast start in recruiting for Tommy O’Irish’s Pack
One of the nation’s best quarterbacks and a running back
Of course, games aren’t won on the recruiting trails
But State’s success has Butch Davis looking like Judge Smails
Just wait to see what O’Irish has in store for the Wolfpack Attack

Limer-inks

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

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Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

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Limerick Friday XXXVI

“Did You Ever Hear The One About The Punjabi And Raquel Welch?”

I’ve come to accept and realize that Guru.com is more a source of comedic material than it is an actual, valid resource for freelance opportunities. To wit:

Title: Hindi and/or Punjabi songs for album!
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: Looking for a Hindi / Punjabi songwriter to write songs for an upcoming album. The artist is a 24 year old Male Pop/ RnB singer from Toronto, Canada and songs must be youthful and vibrant. The album will be released independantly and songwriter will receive credits on the final CD as well. Songs needed ASAP!!

This is a fairly specialized request, no? I mean, there’s only so many times you can rhyme “Punjabi,” “Slurpee,” “Hindi," “camel jockey," "Mujibur" and "Sirajul" before someone takes offense, right?

Here’s another one:

Title: stand up comedy material
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: I need 5 minutes of original stand up comedy material based on my observations, and what I find is funny to me.

Someone is looking for a person to write “original” material – for them?! If only you know what is funny to you and only you know what your observations are … how in the purple Hades is someone else supposed to write a standup routine for you?!

Perhaps there is a way to combine these two freelance requests into a single song/act, but I don’t have the energy or the Hindi vocabulary. If any of you are feeling up to it, however, please feel free … and tell ‘em Scooter & Hum sent ya.

I Miss Mujibur And Sirajul

Before saying goodbye in January 2003, the unintentional-comedy duo of Mujibur and Sirajul was one of my favorite skits on Late Night with David Letterman. While “Great Moments In Presidential Speeches” sets the Letterman standard these days, here’s an old-school shoutout to my favorite Slurpee jockeys.