Limerick Friday #653: Another Year, Another National-Stage Humiliation -- Day 2,354

When State rains, it's pourin'

The signs we all kept ignorin'

Creativity and preparation we lack

Such is the life of the Pack

Especially under Snorin' Doeren

TCU fell apart at the seams

Fulfilling the N&O's Belicheat dreams

Michael Lombardi's office cleared?

Steve Belicheat has disappeared?

Ignore all that while the media creams

A party of ignorant bitches

Full of ass-kissing pitches

To an 80-year-old senile predator

Who shits his pants on the regular

This is the cult of bigotry and temporary riches

$180 million in dead cap money

The outlook ain't sunny

The 'Fins can barely field a squad

And the talent? Good god

If it wasn't so sad, it would be kinda funny

A fraud at quarterback

Missing a rushing attack

Receivers just can't get open

And instead of tacklin', we're hopin'

Meet this year's Wolfpack

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #651: The Soccer Manages To Overcome The Most Blatant Of Favoritism -- Day 2,319

The competition was heady

The excitement was steady

Despite FIFA's incessant corruption

And every water-break disruption

I miss the World Cup already

Despite toil and strife

Some signs of life

Won a series from the hated Braves

Can the Mets make playoff waves?

Not if the injured list says rife

"Idiocracy" looks normal in compare

To this admin's depravity laid bare

The world's laughingstock

Nothing can be seen as a shock

When these bitches show how little they care

Another year, another infraction

Lombardi getting in on the Cheaters action

A laughingstock is Chapel Bill

The Holes want to die on that hill

More ammo for the sell-your-soul faction

Training camp has begun

Another low-expectations one

For the struggling 'Fins

The rebuilds outnumber the wins

But still ready for that football fun

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #647: Make It Five In A Row Over UNC-Fraud -- Day 2,083

Bitching the Cheats

To the sound of hoarse bleats

Despite frigid cold

It'll never get old

Even when it repeats and repeats

Never a huge Nimmo fan

A brain-dead MAGA stan

Ship him anywhere

Let's get better there

And find good dudes where we can

Sports media's degradation

Both local and across the nation

Many factors at play

But you just have to say

Frauds and clowns on every station

Embarrassing the entire team

And coming apart at the seam

They make us all look bad

And don't care a tad

Them quitting would be a dream

Literally asleep on the job

Propped up by his pedo mob

A half-dead fatass felon

Without working cells in his melon

Wakes up only to lie, cheat, and rob

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #646: Yet More Grist For A Most-Awaited Obit -- Day 2,602

The latest scandal does really smell

But it's hard to actually tell

What will rattle his sycophants

Enough for them to pull up their pants

Hoping that sound is a death knell

Performances for the trash bins

Offset by easy wins

A different team every week

Collective schizophrenia at its peak

How do you figger the goddam 'Fins?

The Triangle media's afraid

After years being lazy and paid

Wolfpack hoops needs attention

From reporters with anal retention

Chalk it up to freaking Will Wade

Another Aaron Judge MVP snore

Critical thinking by votes was poor

The catcher got jobbed

You could even say robbed

Cal Raleigh deserved the award more

After horseshit luck in bunches

Decided to start playing hunches

Then things got even more rough

And lost to someone named Tyler Shough

And this is why I now just drink my lunches

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #645: Another Epic Night At The Finley -- Day 2,057

Carter-Finley was lit

The crowd would barely sit

In the seasonal cold

The Wolfpack got bold

Memories created as the field we hit

Another ridiculous fantasy loss

My hands I did toss

So I'm changing my tack

And trading for a viable back

Swinging for the fences as Scooters boss

The reaper took the long way

But all evil does finally pay

Burn in hell, Dick

You criminal prick

It's a helluva start to today

So many screams and screeds

Who actually hears and heeds?

Thought Stephen A. Smith was ignored years ago

But ESPN has tripled down on his show

Who actually listens to these anal beads?

Giving up the most points

'Tis a kick in the beans and joints

Third in points scored

But I can't afford

The BS that fantasy football anoints

Last time ...

Day 2,055, Quasi-Quarantine: Remembering When SNL Skewered The "Undecided" Voters

I've never understood "undecided" voters and never will, so until one of them can offer a coherent explanation of their existence, I'm just going to assume that they are incapable of critical thinking and never outgrew a sense of elementary-school entitlement.

Limerick Friday #643: Teleport Us Out Of This Newscycle -- Day 2,043

Deep in fascism's throes

In the lowest of all the lows

But even for the world's worst grouse

Literally destroying the White House

Feels just way too on the nose

His ineptitude you have to applaud

As he drags down an entire squad

The broad side of a barn he couldn't hit

Just another MAGA piece of shit

Tua, the noodle-armed fraud

This is the bed we've made

Under Doeren for more than a decade

NC State Shit shall not pass

It's here to stay, alas

But at least we now have Will Wade

Four or five days a week

Youth soccer is not for the meek

But the smell of grass at dawn

I'll miss when it's gone

So excuse me if my eyes leak

Will we ever get to fall

It's still too warm, y'all

When will it be hoodie season

Will we ever have a reason

To wear cold-weather clothes at all?

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #641: Off On A Midwest Football Weekend -- Day 2,030

Headed off to Indy

And climes more windy

To see the Colts game

And if State beats Notre Dame

I'll do a hotel-pool Triple Lindy

The Mets just choked

The 'Fins getting smoked

State missed a golden chance

Now all I've got are rants

Because every joke I've already joked

The state of the Scooters

Has me doing shooters

Rebuilding the roster

Tossing every impostor

'Til I wake up .500 in a Hooters

"Follow the herd" bitches

Got me rolling in stitches

Pissing their pants perceptibly

In fear of Belicheat pre-emptively

Now UNC is steering straight into ditches

Of sanity they're bereft

Of morality, there's no heft

A government with no frontal lobe

Got me looking at the globe

Wondering if there's anywhere free left

Last time ...

Day 2,013, Quasi-Quarantine: Kino Loy Has The Words We're All Trying To Find

Thank the maker for "Andor," for lo so many reasons.

Locate your inner rebel.

Find your alliance.

Limerick Friday #639: Once-Proud Franchise Continues Wandering In The Wilderness -- Day 2,009

Been listening to this same song

For entirely too goddam long

Another tank job from the 'Fins

I see it before it happens

But just once I'd like to be fucking wrong

A country in need of a vacation

Embracing fascism without hesitation

Every truth is a lie

That will make another person die

Welcome to Gaslight Nation

Often play lazy and dumb

The Mets make me crazy and numb

So rely on every rook

And let the phenoms cook

And hope it's enough to overcome

Keep running into buzzsaws

Now injuries without pause

A third of the roster hurt

Now pick ourselves up from the dirt

And break all the fantasy football laws

Find good where you can

Then get up and do it again

Overwhelming it can feel

That's part of the deal

Happy is possible now and then

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #638: Belicheat Embarrasses Every Chapel Shill -- Day 1,995

The bandwagon couldn't wait to applaud

And pretended to be suitably awed

The local media cupped his balls

Ignoring his cheating and falls

'Til they recognized a fellow fraud

Bobby Kennedy was a hero of mine

The most promising of his line

Now his son is killing kids

And selling out to the highest bids

Of American destruction, just the latest sign

Par for the course at UNC

Hoping to skip steps 1, 2, and 3

Tried to buy a culture and team

They've always been more "to seem"

Rather than "to be"

In football's return we bask

But so many questions to ask

Can the Wolfpack compete?

Can the Scooters repeat?

And how many issues can the 'Fins mask?

A heartless, creepy old man

Lies and deceives each spineless fan

On the young he preys

While every sycophant obeys

Trump or Belicheat -- decide if you can

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #637: Farewell To A True Blood -- Day 1,974

Had to swallow a tough pill

Struggling to understand it still

You looked out for the new kid

Saved my whole year, you did

Rest in peace, my friend Phil

Living in baseball hell

Turning every W into an L

Every move backfires

Turning contenders into liars

Will any Mets rise for that final bell?

Look for beauty in small things

And any happy tidings

They're there if you look

Sometimes in a book

And remember there are no kings

Getting punked day after day

Need any hope, just a ray

The coach is a lame duck

The GM is clueless as fuck

The 'Fins just can't find their way

It's that time of year

When the salt air feels near

Saying goodbye to summer

Is always a bummer

But the beach helps me hold back each tear

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #636: Nothing Is Great, And Everything Feels Bad -- Day 1,968

Find hope where it belongs

Despite all of the world's wrongs

Heard "Ohio" played off the shelf

And it made me ask myself

Where are this generation's protest songs?

"Ted Lasso" for golf is "Stick"

Owen Wilson does his normal schtick

But it's the summer's feel-good show

If you just let yourself go

And forget how much our country is sick

Football's coming fast

The summer nearly passed

I can't get unhooked

But the 'Fins already seem cooked

Who will play cornerback at last?

A demented, racist coot

And a pedophile to boot

As he wandered around the roof

Hoped someone could make him go poof

And cut out the problem at its root

A dismal June and July

And August makes me want to cry

The Mets are choking something rare

And really don't seem to care

Where does rock bottom actually lie?

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #635: A Sticky And Turbulent Summer Looms -- Day 1,912

The summer is nigh

Spirits are high

Another school year past

It goes by so fast

Treasure it more, my guy

When your franchise is a meme

Your fandom can run outta steam

Bring mercenaries in

And then you don't win

This is what happens to your team

Haven't situationally hit worth beans

Who knows what that means

But the wins keep coming

And the Mets keep on humming

Could get pretty interesting in Queens

It's so hard even trying

Amidst all of the lying

Overwhelm and crowd

Commit crime out loud

All the wrong people are dying

Out in the Edinburgh milieu

There's Kelly Macdonald, too

Has a bit of a "Fringe" feel

Gritty and grey as steel

What a godsend has been "Dept. Q"

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #634: Cassian & Crew Ripped From The Headlines -- Day 1,877

 

Story-telling you have to see

With "Bladerunner" vibes, to me

The pace of a hellion

Love in a rebellion

"Andor" is the best thing on TV

A legend in every way

Changed everything with "College Gameday"

"The Sunshine Scooter" was my fave

Every ounce he gave

Lee Corso, an institution we can't repay

Will the injuries calm down

Will the bats ever come to town

The pitching has been sublime

But it's high time

For the Mets stars to come around

A rapist, liar, and thief

Is the bitch in chief

Intentional crime is the point

How is he not in the joint?

His obituary would be a relief

Called NFL games in the nineties

Then moved on to ACC's

A legendary voice he had

Kinda like a friendly dad

Mike Patrick, all the RIPs

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #631: Steaming Pile Of Keatts Manages To Destroy Every Last Shred Of Final Four Goodwill -- Day 1,807

Keatts should have a small amount of fear

For State's tumble to the rear 

The play is too brutal to bear

The fans even struggle to care

Hell, I've turned off two games this year

Entitlement across the team

Solipsism a constant theme

Favoritism a leadership pillar

Management by marketing filler

Fire up every tiny violin meme

Headlines you can't comprehend

Hope you can't even pretend

Ignorance to the core

The evil is what matters more

As our society continues to descend

Every day another lost player

Fans should probably say a prayer

You know it's baseball season

When the Mets have injuries beyond reason

An onion peeled layer by layer

"White Lotus" season three

Is finally winning over me

Was on the fence for a while

But the end of epi two made me smile

Mostly because of "Tune in Tokyo" Chelsea

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #630: It's Been A Month And Nothing Is OK -- Day 1,800

 

While our reps cower

The tools have seized power

Brain cells are lacking

And the crimes are stacking

Locked away in the Irony Tower

For years, they've been stuck in a mire

No matter the talent they did acquire

Culture change needed

With Ben Johnson, they heeded

Did the Bears just nail a coach hire?

Ethics never matter to ESPN

Hypocrisy is a matter of when

Kirk Herbstreit crying on air?

Because OSU won the title, I swear

Journalism just died yet again

"Loudermilk" a breath of fresh air

I giggle at almost every swear

But not just raunchy and overdone

It's got a heart as big as the sun

The emotions for which I did not prepare

As winter storms clear

Spring training is here

As the Mets chase a pennant

Getting used to Soto will take a minute

For Iglesias, I do shed a tear

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #627: Weeks Of So, So Many Losses -- Day 1,697

Racism won

Plus love of the gun

We chose the criminal zoo

Time to look somewhere new

America had a solid run

Still not over the Mets

Almost as good as it gets

A season to remember

Even in November

Do it again next year, lets

So many now gones

Dikembe to James Earl Jones

Pete Rose bid adieu

Fernando Valenzuela, too

Childhood memories called home

6-3 is OK, I guess

Two L's by 10 points or less

The Scooters are back

For talent, we don't lack

Kinda missed fantasy, I confess

By the Final Four run, we're haunted

Not the football team we wanted

Early oil we did leak

But improving week by week

Let's finish strong and undaunted

Last time ...

Day 1,695, Quasi-American: America Just Out Here Petting Bears

There's a metaphor here for half of the American electorate, but I'm happy to just celebrate it as a light moment in a dark day. 

I'm hearing this quote roughly 53 times a day, so I went and looked it up.

It's worth it. 

Day 1,460, Quasi-Quarantine: Going In On Clarence Thomas And The Supreme Con

 

Clarence Thomas and the Supreme Court are indicative of everything wrong in America 2024, and Ruben Bolling nails it as per usual in "Tom the Dancing Bug."

Best read in a Pedro Pascal laughing/crying sorta way ...