Limerick Friday #640: Embarrassment Reigns Again In Queens For The No-Shame Mets -- Day 2,023

A collapse for the ages

Happened in stages

But we've seen it all before

It's part of Mets lore

You have to laugh through the rages

Usually enjoy the Ryder Cup

But the world's got me all shook up

Embarrassed to be American now

Always asking what, why, and how

So I definitely was rooting for Europe

The talent is beyond thin

Coach is a dead man walkin'

But fuck the Jets

So celebrate, let's

For our first (and maybe only) win

Break up the Big Four

They're frauds at the core

Play grabass at crunch time

Then choke when it's on the line

This is the Mets, less or more

The league logo should be a tool

Every goddam owner a fool

Offering asinine trades

Or reneging in spades

Guess I'll just take 'em all to school

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #621: Juggling All The Things As Summer Beckons -- Day 1,557

These kids are gonna rad

Even when I think they're bad

One wins in an academic way

One nailed their tryout day

These are great days for a dad

Don't look now

Or even have a cow

But on their way across the pond

The Mets, of which I am fond

Won three straight -- I don't know how

Every day comes with a whammy

'Til I just don't give a dammy

So get fucked with your games

Stop saying my team's names

And quit making work a shit sammie

Old as time, his story

As he vied for golf glory

Seems like a good bloke

But all he does is choke

Your heart hurts a bit for Rory

Work is a bummer

Politics couldn't be dumber

But school is done

So let's find the fun

Because here comes the summer

Last time ...

Day 1,553, Quasi-Quarantine: Pinehurst No. 2 Wins Again

 

I was fortunate enough to be able to attend single rounds of the 2005 and 2014 U.S. Opens that were held in Pinehurst, N.C. 

My buddy Norm and I went in '05, seeing even-par Michael Campbell fend off the people's choice, Tiger Woods, and the Scooter's choice, Tim Clark (go Pack!). In 2014, Martin Kaymer led wire to wire, winning by an absurd eight strokes.

Pinehurst No. 2 is diabolical, with turtle-shell-shaped greens, sand and weeds everywhere, and blistering heat. So for Rory McIlroy to play so well all week only to give a win away based on missing a pair of three-foot putts in the final few holes was devastating.

Unfortunately, it's also part of McIlroy's legacy. Perhaps the most talented golfer of his generation, he's become known for an inability to put away majors. This time, Bryson DeChambeau took his lead back when it counted most for his second major (McIlroy has four and zero in the last decade).

I was rooting for Rory, but certainly not surprised that he found a way to hand the trophy back. But it was fun as always to watch the final round on Father's Day, with a cold beer, memories of Norm ... and recollections of past days in Pinehurst.

Day 120, Quasi-Quarantine: Dusting Off The Ol' Wrenches

A coupla weeks back, my brothers and I decided to brave a round of socially distanced golf. Despite not having played in eight months, I broke 100 -- which is a notable feat for me -- by parring a tricky par-5 18th with this featured drive. It was one of four pars on the day for me, another highly respectable number for me.

Above all else, it was so good to be out in the fresh air with family I've been missing.

Limerick Friday #431: “Twin Peaks” Returns With More Loony-Ness Than Ever, Plus A National Soap Opera About Cheetos And Vodka

David Lynch’s world of freaks

Has undergone a few tweaks

Still delightfully nuts

With quarter-century-old jump cuts

Welcome back, you zany “Twin Peaks”

Through all the Big Apple noise

The injury bug still toys

With the Mets, for whom I fear

It’s gonna be wait ‘til next year

It just ain’t happenin’, boys

A plot line kind of in shards

Against ridiculousness it guards

But Frank Underwood seems OK

Compared to the batshits of today

I can’t quit you, “House of Cards”

Usually the U.S. Open

Involves lotsa hittin’ and hopin’

But Brooks Koepka destroyed

And the field really toyed

With a course that required no copin’

On democracy we’ve taken a dump

As James Comey was put on the stump

At some point, John McCain

Went senile or insane

Reality TV in the era of Trump

Last time …

Limerick Friday #427: “Veep” Is Back And All Is OK Again Across The Land, Plus The Strange Metaphors Of “The Young Pope”

Of sanity, there is not a peep

The horseshit is more than deep

In this political season

The only voice of reason

Comes with the return of “Veep”

A ‘bag he always did seem

Tended to always whine and preen

But after many a year

Sergio got his “Ole” cheer

And took home a jacket of green

He was prickly and fickle

With well-timed rib tickles

The original angry comic

Furrowed brow and a gin & tonic

RIP to the incomparable Don Rickles

The Pack’s own Michael Cera

About defense he did not care-a

Just a hired gunner

His departure not a stunner

Mav Rowan, good luck in Bavaria

Jude Law is all sneer and mope

As Pius XIII, all sadism and hope

Eviscerates the Catholic church

From his hypocritical perch

HBO did it again with “The Young Pope”

Last time …

Limerick Friday #426: Red-White Game Becomes A Family Affair, Plus After A Barrage Of Promos, The Masters Is Upon Us

Football in March is welcome, certainly

Though tackling was approached thinly

The cousins cheered on the Pack

And laughed all the way back

They even got to meet Ryan Finley

Every final minute was the same

Key whistles in every game

The glass slipper shackles fitted

But even Cheaters admitted

The championship was pretty lame

A ‘Fins draft bust roll call

Would last the entire fall

From Avery to Green to Ginn

Bosa, Kumerow, we never win

But Dion Jordan’s the worst bust of all

Each headline worse than the last

Good thing nothing gets passed

Apologies to the world at large

We’re trying to escape a sinking barge

Somebody explore impeachment, fast

 

Masters Week has arrove

WASPs descend in droves

Augusta conducts a spring dance

Led by the insufferable Nance

Let’s see whose green jacket gets wove

Last time …

Limerick Friday #414: Benched Back Salvages ‘Fins Season, Plus TWD Goes All In On Reboot

A team making a gain

Can the Dolphins sustain?

Gase finally finding his footing

The proof is in the pudding

All aboard the J-Train

They once called him the King

Had panache and a ferocious swing

A stylish raker

A helluva drink maker

Arnold Palmer, your praise golfers sing

Poor acting was all it took

To kinda ruin a great book

“11.22.63” wasn’t terrible

The story made it bearable

Stephen King deserved a better look

Players dropping like flies

But this fantasy coach really tries

I’ve moved to 6-1

But health, I need a ton

Before another great season dies

The uneven “Walking Dead”

That every fan did dread

The time had long come

To lose key cast and then some

But didn’t need to see that part of Glenn’s head

Last time …

Limerick Friday #408: Stenson Puts On A Show For The Ages, Plus Another Monster Of The Midway Bids Adieu

Royal Troon set the scene

A British Open more gray than green

Mickelson threw darts all week

But Stenson was at an impossible peak

The best major Sunday I’ve seen

All the pitchers find harm

The Mets don’t have a live arm

Setback after setback it seems

That would ruin any teams

Is Jesse Orosco still down on the farm?

Cleveland is a dump

An apt site for Trump

The GOP is in shambles

As this moron rambles

Might as well vote for Forrest Gump

At RB, they needed a vet

So they searched for what they could get

Arian Foster is now in the fold

A lot injured and slightly old

But maybe he’ll surprise us yet

Forced turnovers by the bunch

Even ate Randy Moss’s lunch

A Bear legend, no doubt

Charles Tillman, on his way out

How about a final Peanut Punch?

Last time …

Limerick Friday #406: LeBron Resuscitates Believeland, Plus Dustin Johnson Shoots His IQ To Win

Curry deserves many blames

As the Warriors went up in flames

The mistake by the lake

A trophy they did take

Thanks to mercurial King James

A trek through southern lands

In search of Legos and white sands

Fueled by coffee and water fizz

Discovered South Carolina is

Just kudzu and fireworks stands

The king of the summer

Pulled off another stunner

State with another coup

To team with Dennis Smith and Abu

Recruiting anything but a bummer

I admit from the start

I’m a pessimist at heart

But after years of losing

Can’t help musing

That I’m optimistic about the ‘Fins, in part

At Oakmont he drove it pure

While others couldn’t be sure

A real fiend for coke

A skeeve who used to choke

Dustin Johnson, finally a major on tour

Last time …

Limerick Friday #404: Frightened Rabbit Lays Siege To Saxapahaw, Plus Baseball Used Well-Thrown Punch To Get Mildly Exciting

From Scotland to Saxapahaw

One of the best concerts I ever saw

A set list to make you shiver

Tore up all of Haw River

Frightened Rabbit left me in awe

Under pretty high stakes

Some key recruiting takes

All of a sudden the Pack

Looks a little stacked

The difference a month makes

A strong Wyoming lass

The epitome of class

Left a legacy of grace

And plenty of Vogies in place

As a beloved Grandma did pass

Beat every foe on his plate

Took home the Players late

Even without his best game

Jason Day cruised with no shame

Well-played as always, mate

 

On their shoulders they had a chip

Thanks to Bautista’s bat flip

So the next time they had a look

Made him eat a right hook

Odor made him eat meals with a sip

Last time …

Limerick Friday #402: The British Overrun Augusta, Plus “Vinyl” Turns Finale Up To 11

 For all those who had a golf hanker

The Masters went to a wanker

Danny Willett a great story

But no Day, Johnson, or Rory

Spieth reacted like a pissy banker

As spinoffs goes

“Fear the Walking Dead” kinda blows

Have always liked Kim Dickens

The rest of cast lame chickens

Like a made-for-TV movie shows

Miami’s got needs and musts

For their annual festival of busts

The offseason quietly good

Can they draft like they should?

Or leave me head-shaking and cussed

John Oliver is an heir

To the genius of Colbert

Meticulous details

With laughter regales

Cross him only if you dare

 

A memorable “Vinyl” finale

Richie with a nice little rally

The Nasty Bits rock

Boosting Alibi stock

Season 2 should be interesting, pally

Last time …

Limerick Friday #401: “The Walking Dead” Whimpers Into The Offseason, Plus Augusta Takes Over The Sports Stage

Once a pulse-pounding show

Is quickly losing mojo

Negan with his Lucille banger

Reduced by a needless cliffhanger

TWD is losing audience as they go

Goodbye to the Martin twins

As the Pack roster thins

A crossroads time for Gott

As his seat starts to get hot

Only way out is recruiting and wins

“Vinyl” has made the leap

Digging into issues deep

From race to religion to murder

The writers keep pushing it further

Makes you laugh, dance, and weep

A dramatic buzzer beater

Fans cried at Harris Teeter

Quite a run, but now it’s ovah

The year belonged to Villanova

Karma for each and every cheater

 

The morning dew is clear

Green grass that could bring a tear

Magnolias scent the air

The vision of a golf love affair

Masters means spring’s truly here

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVII: “True Detective” Feels False, Plus An Amazing Open

Casting choices with no reason

Rapt fans they are teasin’

“True Detective” can’t find its stride

A weak plot you can’t hide

In a clunker of a second season

The “No Name Defense” guru

And “The Killer Bees,” too

Bill Arnsparger was Shula’s right hand

His D’s were sound and well-planned

RIP to a Fins legend who never got his due

An Open for the ages

Played in wind-blow stages

A leaderboard made up of stars

But when it came down to pars

Zach Johnson blew up Twitter pages

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVXXVII: Spieth Humiliates Augusta National, Plus When Will Don Draper Start Swinging Back?

Tiger’s involuntary bequeath

The title to Jordan Spieth

Trounced the field at the Masters

His ascents just got even fasters

He and Rory could be a rivalry with teeth

“True Detective” trailer

Couldn’t really be any fail-er

Casting choices gone wrong

Gonna pay for it for long

Can Fukunaga find a way to tailor?

The draft is quickly approaching

Insanity the ‘Fins usually encroaching

A receiver or running back, perhaps indeed

Or a corner or guard, both needs

But does it really matter, with the coaching?

“True Detective” captivated

“The Jinx” agitated

Now “Silicon Valley” is back

Plus “Veep” returns to attack

With HBO, no one’s equated

Don getting beaten down

By women all around

Loneliness pervades his pores

The ad life, it only bores

Will he skip New York town?

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVXXVI: “Better Call Saul” Chicago-Sunroofs Its Way To End Of Remarkable Season One, Launching Hotbed of TV News

Fate, Jimmy couldn’t duck it

After Marco kicked the bucket

Took a deal to fill his coffer

Then got a plum job offer

Saul Goodman was born and said “Fuck it”

Coulda been one for the ages

Instead, Wisconsin rages

Duke’s rookies led the way

But the refs held full sway

Handed it to the Devils for higher wages

Mortality the theme of the day

As hemlines rise and sideburns sway

Don wonders what it all means

Legacy’s worth a hill of beans

“Mad Men” time is slipping away

While the media reported on Tiger’s smile

They missed real stories by a mile

At 21, Spieth made every birdie

At 65, Watson’s game is still sturdy

The Masters opened in fine style

TV is gonna get bolder

With the return of Scully and Mulder

For six epis, anyway

Good material in the NSA

Conspiracies and “X-Files,” shoulder to shoulder

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI: Comedy Will Never Be The Same, Plus A Jarring Transition Back To Reality

A comedic genius lost too soon

Spark criticism from many a loon

But what can’t be lost

Is a legacy at all cost

Robin Williams took us all to the moon

The ‘Fins can’t seem to avoid

Suspensions for the steroid

First it was Jordan the bust

Then Reshad Jones thought it a must

With placebos they seem to have toyed

Like a forgotten Christmas toy

“The Killing” returned to my joy

A mini-season on NetFlix

Overall, wouldn’t be in my favorite picks

But the ending was perfect, oh boy

Reliving an epic PGA

Rory capped a remarkable day

Outdueled Fowler and Philly Mick

Even Stenson before he lost his stick

Tigger’s been unseated, I’d say

The planning was more than clever

It rained almost freaking never

A week in Nogs Head

Nothing I’d rather do instead

Only the best vacation of ever

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIV: Taking In A Route At Hot, Dusty Pinehurst, Plus We Won’t See The Likes Of Tony Gwynn Again

Kaymer made putts that were obscene

And drove like a German machine

We hung out on five tee

Where Dustin Johnson had to pee

It was over early, but it was a scene

Was definitely pretty droll

Got the Steelers on a title roll

An oft-overlooked coach

His teams beyond reproach

RIP to Chuck Noll

Around the world, it’s thriving

In the US, they say, “Too much diving”

Have you seen a basketball game?

With too many flops to name?

I, for one, glad the World Cup’s arriving

Analysts kept blowing the Heat

Refused to accept defeat

‘Til the Spurs wrecked ‘em soundly

Then were applauded roundly

Sports coverage a laughable feat

Farewell to the best hitter I ever saw

His swing made you drop your jaw

To Tony Gwynn all fans were connected

His passing hit me harder than expected

Always had a smile and guffaw

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI: Many Giant Leaps For “Mad Men,” Plus Farewell To The Gifted Maya Angelou

A furious midseason finale

Chose nerd over douche, did Sally

Bert Cooper died in high style

For divorce Megan will file

Don and Roger threw Cutler down a valley

Peg fabricated a family

Nailed a presentation emotionally

Against a moon landing backdrop

Roger steps up to stop Cutler’s co-op

Are the best things in life really free?

A douche and fiancé soon parted

O’er the phone? A bit retarded

Ah well, such is Rory

A new chapter for his story

Check out the 63 he just carded

For murder, he put his teaching on the shelf

That’s how Walter White found himself

“Dead man walking,” in the doctor’s voice

Cooking meth the natural next choice

The best pilot ever, I do say myself

From sex worker to cook

From singer to the book

Maya Angelou, an extraordinary life

Balancing achievement with strife

With words and sentiment she did hook

Last time …

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVII: Letterman Lets Us Down Easy, Plus TWD Finale In-Terminus-Able

Late night he did save
Funnies and tricks he gave
So if there’s any comedic timing
Within this simplistic rhyming
It’s all thanks to Uncle Dave

A seven seed vs. an eight

Two programs many love to hate

UConn rode its guards

Kentucky its borderline ‘tards

The Huskies won it all on fate

The “How I Met Your Mother” finale

Panned everywhere consistently

This show always made me sleepy

A bold move in the finale to go creepy

Ted always had a stalker side to me

The Tigger bandwagon emptying quick

No Masters for that lying prick

Surgery a back injury couldn’t avoid

Because he had to quit ‘roids?

Jason Day is my true Augusta pick

Rick went cannibal mode

To save his boy on the road

Terminus an obvious trap

They’ve landed in the crap

Bad Rick like cheesy Arnold in code

Last time …