Friday, October 31, 2008

Limerick Friday LXXXXVIII: Suffrage To End Suffering; Plus, Isaiah Thomas Loves Red Lobster


After eight years in a sinking boat
An entire nation energized to vote
An economy that's a stinking mess
Taxes only for those making less
I believe in change that's more than a copied quote

The final table is set for the World Series of Poker
I noticed Doyle Brunson looks a lot like Larry Coker
The field has been narrowed to just nine
After nearly 7,000 started off in line
Most of those didn't know a jack from a joker

Isaiah Thomas is back at it once again
He's the NBA version of Jones, Pacman
He tries to overdose on pills with a shiver
Then sells his daughter straight down the river
Everyone but Red Lobster has given this dildo a lifetime ban

Back in the news is that caricature, Joe the Plumber
After Sarah Palin got his vote in exchange for a hummer
Now he's got a deal to become a country singer
His five minutes of fame has become quite a hum-dinger
The GOP has latched on to yet another fraud, what a bummer

Samurai Mike is not one to suffer a clown
Determined to bring a winner to San Francisco town
He became my new favorite coach with a boom
By sending an underachieving tight end to the locker room
Click, clack, Vernon Davis; that's your career ticking down

Last time

Thursday, October 30, 2008

You Got Served, Badonkadonk Style



This might actually be the best way to decide this election ...

Be Sure To Remember To ...


Do the right thing. Giddyup.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

SNL Reset: Living In A Van ...



In this economy, this living arrangement is sounding more and more realistic ... and appealling.

Just a much-needed reset on a cold, quiet Tuesday a.m.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Living In Alaska + PTA + Watching "Northern Exposure" = More Qualified Than Nader

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

I lived in Alaska for a while and I went to a PTA bake sale once ... so ...

SCOOTER FOR PRESIDENT 2012!

I couldn't see Russia, tho. Guess I wasn't looking hard enough.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Limerick Friday LXXXXVIII: Palin, Butt Favre Love Expensive Makeup


All it cost was a mere 150 grand
To make this Alaskan look pretty and tanned
Campaign finance is pretty big for their ticket
But will this help reduce the feared deficit?
For the GOP, only truth and common sense are banned

They said, "This will be the end of the line for old 'B-Hop'
"When he feels Kelly Pavlik's punches, he'll want to stop"
Instead the "Executioner" went into the ring
Took all the pop out of the "Ghost's" sting
Now, is there anyone left that Hopkins can't stop?

Recession fears strike our country far and widenin'
From ethics concerns Sarah Palin can't be hidin'
Obama is looking after his sick grandma "Toot"
As McCain hopes his lies can somehow take root
While Meredith College welcomed VP Joe Biden

State game only available on freaking computers
Sending Pack fans scurrying off to Hooters
No ESPN360 thanks to Time Warner Cable
Where customer service is but a fable
No fun watching football on a laptop that's Scooter's

Called up Detroit to ask, "Need some help beating Green Bay?"
Spent 90 minutes diagramming plays in his Wranglers that were gray
Went hunting with his buddy, the hated Matt Millen
Popped some Vicodin, shot some turkeys while chillin'
He's good on Sundays, but a fraud and an asshole every other day

Last time

Thursday, October 23, 2008

SwiftJews For Truth

Too many jokes ... FaceBook movements ... head hurts ... D.G.B.N.H.F. ... No-Neck Monster ... too many ...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Street Sheet's Left-Coast Pearls of Wisdom: In Here, Out There


Earlier this year, I went to San Francisco, and before hopping on a trolley at one point, I gave a bean to a dude for a copy of the Street Sheet, the self-described "publication of the Coalition on Homeless San Francisco since 1989." I came across this copy recently and think I'll occasionally share a poem from it from time to time, as the mood strikes me.

Think about it.

In Here, Out There (by Leroy F. Moore, Jr.)

"In here, slouched in my oversized wheelchair
Locked down in this urine infested black cell
God! I'm not doing so well
Bleeding from my POW, POW daily beating

Out there, living on the hard, cold streets
No cot, no heat and nothing to eat
Living on the dirty, trashy streets or
In this tiny, smelly cell damn both is hell

In here inmates are family
Out there there's no community
Understand my reality

No rehabilitation in here
Force medication out there
No wonder I live in fear

Community leaders marching out there
My family walking on death row in here
Our savior is waiting for all of us up there

Out of my wheelchair,
Zzzzzz frying in the electric chair
Out on the mean streets, bang, bang shot by police
In here, out there, tell me what's the difference"

Monday, October 20, 2008

Ref Lowers The Boom, Spurrier Throws Visor, All Is Right In World

It looks like Gamecocks coach Steve Spurrier forgot to gameplan someone to block the umpire on this draw by quarterback Stephen Garcia. As one might imagine, South Carolina fans are in an uproar over this one … and not just because they are only now fully realizing that they live in Columbia.



Now that's what I call the proverbial "12th man" for LSU. Wow.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Limerick Friday LXXXXVII: Confucius Say They Who Hold Best Laugh Last


A great crowd prepared for the Criminoles
Who ascended on Raleigh with a legion of a-holes
Stated played them well for more than a half
'Til the refs' halftime meeting with the FSU staff
Suddenly, holding was OK and down went the Pack — poor souls

A championship for a husband and his long, tall Sally
You win beer equaling your wife's body weight tally
Five cases of beer went to the guy who got first place
After running 278 yards without falling on his face
Obviously, last place belonged to the hubby of Kirstie Alley

A midseason firing at Clemson, it seems
Uneducated locals coming apart at the seams
Tammy now has a real reason to cry
Got shit-canned like Terry, poor guy
Paying players couldn't save him from losing to lesser teams

An office that's alternately hot and cold
A dumpster desk that has charm but is old
Shoshana giggling, thanks to funny Rick
Adam sneezing, Adrian asking if he's sick
I'll be missing all that goes into being Bold

Some dude from Ohio that they're calling Joe the Plumber
Made the focus of the campaign for Dumb and Dumber
Another gimmick trotted out by the ol' GOP
As McCain can't stop himself from being petty
Crazy old man + godfreak hockey mom = a bummer

Last time

Thursday, October 16, 2008

What Time Is It? Game Time



Patting Cujo on the head, running out of the smoke, 60,000 people screaming their heads off for you … If that don't get you fired up, nothing will.

Go Pack.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

"The Zodiac" Differentiates Itself From "Zodiac" By Pure-Tee Sucking


A "C" list actor from "Grey's Anatomy," Bookman the library cop from "Seinfeld," creepy dude from "Lost" and random guy from "October Road" trying to carry a movie about a serial killer from 40 years ago, said film being released at a similar time as basically the same flick with a bigger budget. How can "The Zodiac" miss?

Oh, let me count the ways.

First of all, slapping a "The" in front of the title doesn't quite throw people off the scent that this is a different movie than "Zodiac" (Scooter & Hum review here), the acclaimed Jake Gyllenhaal and Mark Ruffalo vehicle of the same timeframe. The creepy opening montage and lover's lane scene—shot very similarly to how "Zodiac" handled it—got the movie off on the right foot, but for some unexplained reason, director Alexander Bulkley elected to shoot the movie sort of from the perspective of the lead detective's son, a Damien lookalike played by one of the creepy-time Culkin kids (the one who wasn't molested by Michael Jackson, I think).

The overly dramatic scene where the detective's wife breaks the biggest glass of water in the history of the world after being startled by their son tips you off that this one is not going to go well. The bad feeling starts to gain momentum as you realize that this is a fictional account of the search for the Zodiac Killer, with fictional characters and dramatized scenes. Part of the movie feel like an after-school special and others feel like the X-Files. Throw in the fact that the lead detective, Parrish, doesn't look nearly old enough to have a 12-year-old child and appears to be confused by just about everything he comes across, and … well, you start checking how long this flick is.

"The Zodiac" theorizes that much of the case involves a police coverup to try to keep the community calm, and tries to lead you to believe that the crime-beat reporter could even be involved in the killings. Bulkley does attempt to tie the killings into the times they happened—racism, Vietnam, drug culture, etc.—but this is done more in random montages than in any actual effort to establish a background.

I had a lot more to write about this film at one point (I will say that the scene involving the couple by the lake was pretty well-done), but it is exhausting to even rehash. One of the banner moments involved the detective coming home after being in a bar, and his wife angrily askikng him, "Have you been drinking?" Meanwhile, several scenes have already indicated that the guy HAS A BAR IN HIS HOUSE and the first thing he does at the end of every day is come home and fix himself a drink. So the teetotaler approach is a bit, shall we say, confusing.

Thankfully, this movie was barely 90 minutes—compared to more than two-and-a-half hours for David Fincher's "Zodiac." The final quote from the Zodiac Killer is pretty creepy and a nice touch—"I am waiting for a good movie. Who will play me? I am now in control of all things"—but most "experts" on this serial killer believe that was a forgery that can't be attributed to the actual killer. Anyway, there was a very abrupt ending without a clear focus or perspective, so maybe this review can save you an hour and a half and many head-scratching moments.

On a side note, there has been a potential break in this case, 40 years after the first murder. The stepson of one Jack Tarrance has come forward with evidence that he believes implicates his father as the Zodiac Killer. Apparently, the FBI is looking into the possibility that this could stand out from the many hoaxes and false alarms as the real thing. If it is, you can expect another round of movies shortly.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Hockey Mom Brings Out The Hate From … Hockey Fans?



They've chucked snowballs at Santa Claus. They've whipped D batteries at J.D. Drew. They've cheered madly when Michael Irvin broke his neck. And now, they've dropped one of the loudest sustained boos in non-sports history on an out-of-her-league political joke.

In yet another not-so-well-thought-out, last-ditch effort from the GOP, vice presidential wingnut extraordinaire Sarah Palin showed up at a Philadelphia Flyers game to drop the puck. According to the New York Times, she was booed so loudly and lustily that arena personnel had to pump up the volume to try to drown it out somewhat with music (here's the "nice" version of the booing, with music blaring over it).

Philadelphia fans have never been confused for being the standard bearers for class. But give them this: They know a grandstanding fraud when they see one. And they're certainly not going to bite their tongues when they do.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Limerick Friday LXXXXVI: Hypocrites, Frauds And Wingnuts Make It Rain



Lies about terrorists and then acts bemused
Drops her Gs and winks when she's confused
Her husband tried to secede from Alaska
Her pastor found a witch, she said, "You betcha!"
Keith Olbermann ripped her a new one—now who's amused

Pac Man's not really a reform case quite yet
Attacked a bodyguard as Jerry Jones did fret
Why does he even have a bodyguard?
The Cowboys pay a babysitter for this retard?
Pac Man in trouble—in other news, water is wet

Described as an undisciplined, spoiled brat and lush
His Napoleon complex and temper would make a sailor blush
The Make-Believe Maverick has finally been unveiled
Trying to distance himself from W, but that ship has sailed
Do we want to make another deal with the devil? I'm in no rush

SNL is finally becoming relevant again
Showing nothing is stronger than the pen
Tina Fey skewering Sarah Palin online
Causing Republicans to increase their whine
Controversial sketches aren't a matter of if, but when

Different year, same story for a Bowden named Tammy
Clemson's like an Olympic sprinter who always pulls a hammy
Was preseason top 10, now a fraud that can't block
Tigers fans attack Tammy's car with Howard's Rock
You can't be saved now, even tho Bobby's a member of your family

Last time

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Tina Fey Is A Better Sarah Palin Than Sarah Palin


According to my friend at Static in the Attic, the following piece of paper was found among Sarah Palin's trash after the vice presidential debate. Say it ain't so, Sarah.

Also, the following video immediately becomes one of the top SNL sketches of all-time.

It's all about Jews and Cuban food, "my friend."

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

This Happened: You Had Me At "Vintage Prada Wallet"


So, a friend of friend decided to try to sell his turn-of-the-century model car on Craig's List, and the following -- arguably, the greatest e-mail of all-time -- is what happened. Names have been changed to protect the retarded.

"Hi there. I was just cuirous if you were considering trades for the [car] for sale? I would be willing to consider trading a group of valuable items I have available for your [car]. These items include:

Ikea computer desk (missing keyboard holder)
Pretty Paws litter box in "almost new" condition (retails for $35)
Brand new, in box pair of Air Jordan basketball shoes size 11 (red and white)
Vintage Prada wallet from 1984 (white & pink with very few stains)
Set of 10 brand new, with tags "posie purple" washcloths from Target
Full shipment box (24 bottles) of sampler bottles of "happy" perfume by
Clinque
One wool, color: gray blazer, size 14 by "South Pole"
10 unopened boxes (unused) of Kleenex with lotion tissues
Full shipment box (40 pairs, assorted sizes) of Free Spirit white knee socks
Vintage 1978 Oreck XL vacuum (still works, however, bags are out of
production)
Brand new (still in plastic wrap) Jumanji board game
Rarely used, universale remote control by Zenith
4 Firestone Tractor trailer tires (brand new)


I have calculated based on the "blue book value" of your car that the value of these items bypasses the value of your item by far, so really, this is a big loss for me, however, I am in need of a car right now. If you may consider this trade, please feel free to email me back to schedule a meeting with some notice so I can be sure to have all items packed in my truck and ready for show. I am in Raleigh as well though, so traveling to show off the lot of items I have available is no problem.

Thank you very much,"
Dude with shit to unload [Editor's Note: Not actual name]

[speechless]

Monday, October 06, 2008

Serpico Can't Throw The Out Pattern


Former Pack alum Adrian Wilson didn't do my fantasy football team any favors by knocking the shite out of Buffalo quarterback Trent Edwards like two plays into the game and giving him a concussion, but I still won rather convincingly. First-round bust J.P. Losman even got a chance to fire interceptions all over the field.


Of course, my attention was quickly captured by Losman's disturbing beard. He's the doppelganger of Serpico and Adam Goldberg -- and no football team can overcome that resemblance and win.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Limerick Friday LXXXXV: October In, Common Sense Out


Transparent and folksy, representing hockey moms everywhere
She backed non-answers by wearing a smirk and a vacant stare
Spoke like she was running for school council in seventh grade
Refused to talk about policy or any decisions that were made
Pundits gave her credit for forming sentences; that seems fair

Another year, another epic Mets choke
It's become a pathetic, not-so-funny joke
The worst is it came in the last game at Shea
One of my favorite places back in the day
The season and the stadium went up in smoke

A dork with huge headphones and a goat with a hex
Cubbies fans looking for excuses as their team wrecks
"Wait 'til next year" already heard on the North Side
Down two games, can Sweet Lou stop this slide?
Chicago fans can agree to just blame this all on Rex

Fall weather is here, the Triangle's no longer hotter than hell
It's also Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I'm here to tell
Those are two (or is it three?) of my favorite things
So it's time to open up your wallet or purse strings
Supporting a good cause is certain to make you feel well

An economy that has turned into a black hole
Gas prices that are spiraling out of control
Money concerns for all in this wide land
Now hopes are a bailout will give us a hand
It all has me looking at homes in the North Pole

Last time

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Miss Congeniality Is Ready For Big Wordy-Type Thingies

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

It's debate time, ladies and gents. "Smokin'" Joe Biden vs. Sarah "Badly Failin'" Palin. Word is Palin has been prepped for the debates by her pageant sister, Miss South Carolina, so it should be good times.

Ding, ding, ding.