Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXIV: J.D. Salinger Passes On, Plus Hope Lives On As Snow Bears Down

Success came with “Catcher in the Rye”
Though he became reclusive and shy
Holden Caulfield was a hero to many
Even if some saw him as a bad penny
Hope Salinger writes novels in the sky

As a bagboy he was a no-namer
‘Til he proved to be an NFL gamer
Kurt Warner is rags to riches
Turned cornerbacks into his bitches
He leaves a borderline Hall of Famer

Back down? Obama says “Nope”
Still running a campaign of hope
He’s fighting the ignorant, closed-minded
By partisan politics they are blinded
With change, they just can’t cope

Quite a week for the schizo Pack
Beat down Duke with a resounding smack
Got rolled by Mexi-Melt and the Terps
A home setback to UNC’s team of perps
Oh Sidney, it’s consistency your team lacks

A forecast of 10 inches of snow
A frightened city races to and fro
Big storm headed toward Raleigh
Trying to drive is pure folly
To Harris Teeter everyone does go

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 9

#1
“24” is back with a bang (great tagline, Fox), and this season features a CTU analyst named Arlo who looks exactly like J.J. Redick, as well as an Islamic leader with a pompadour that makes him look like a Mexican Elvis. Good times are certain to follow.

#2
Has anyone ever seen Larry Bird and Michael Rappaport in the same place at the same time?

#3
Thank christ I finally found a way to “unfriend” and block folks on Facebook. Let’s just say it has become much easier to cut down on requests to join Farmville and being forced to read ignorant, transparently racist views about how health care is the work of the devil.

#4“The Office” came back with a vengeance with what was essentially a “greatest moments” show. Normally I would take a show to task for being lazy for opening up a new season by stringing together highlights … but I was laughing way too hard to be upset.

#5
If you have a problem with pulling for New Orleans, you have a problem with yourself. The Saints and their relationship with their city and their people are a great story that they’re going to make a Disney movie out of some day. Laissez les bon temps rouler.

#6
Is there any question that Stephen Colbert represents the greatest combination of humor, sophistication and political commentary that we have today? I think the dude is nothing short of brilliant. He’s Bill Maher with charisma.

#7
“Fringe” is my favorite drama on TV, but they screwed the pooch in a big way when they trotted out their first new episode of the season—and it featured a character that was killed off last season. Running shows out of order happens in the TV biz, and I get that, but c’mon “Fringe” … you’re better than that.

#8
Dear Jets, Congratulations on your good fortune in getting opponents to roll over and miss field goals. I offer begrudging praise for your play in recent weeks. I’m sure it has been a memorable ride for you and your fans. Every playoffs in any sport should have a Cinderella story.
Now shut the fuck up.

#9
Dear Butt Favre,
Please stay retired this time.
Also, shut the fuck up.

#10
I’m hoping Eko and Charlie show up in some form during the last season of “Lost.” Not that I’m looking forward to it or have been anticipating it for seven months or anything.

This Happened: Drama At The Dry Cleaners

So, a coworker thought it would be a good idea to take some dress clothes to a sketch-ass dry cleaner that is housed in the bottom of our office building—next to a café. Well, when said coworker got back his three pairs of dress pants, they all had holes and burn marks in them. When he confronted the dry cleaner, he was told that he must have moths. Yes, moths were to blame for this catastrophe.

My coworker, enraged, almost punched the dude (and I’m going to assume that the dry cleaner is gay here), leaving me to ponder the odd image of an infuriated guy screaming at a dry cleaner next to a café as folks are walking into work early on a weekday morn. Anyway, the coworker took the pants to his tailor, who said, definitively, that the damage could not have been done by moths.

When my coworker ran into the dry cleaner again in the elevator, he informed him of what the tailor had said, which preceded another argument, which led to raised voices, which naturally resulted in my coworker calling the Better Business Bureau and lodging a formal complaint. Now the dry cleaner has to pay to have the pants sent to a special lab in Charlotte that will determine whether the property destruction could have possibly been due to a moth infestation.

And yes, this happened.

Anyway, like so many other events in my life, this episode reminded me of a “Seinfeld” episode …

True Story Of “Grey Gardens” Highlights Barrymore’s Well-Rounded Talents

My first impression of “Grey Gardens” was that, while it was an intriguing story, the material was perhaps not substantive enough for a complete movie. It was only later that I learned that it was actually originally an HBO special, so that made everything make more sense. It was a little surreal to basically watch a movie about a documentary about a real-life family, but getting past that, I found this work was really well-done. Of course, it helps that I find Drew Barrymore utterly charming and enchanting.

Barrymore plays Edith “Little Edie” Bouvier Beale, and we follow her progression from debutante to broken old maid, ushered by her mother, Edith “Big Edie” Ewing Bouvier, played by a frighteningly old-looking Jessica Lange. After divorcing her husband, the overbearing Big Edie becomes a recluse, moving from Park Avenue to the East Hampton, Long Island, estate of Grey Gardens. Big Edie essentially tricks her daughter into coming to live with her, then saps her daughter’s confidence at every turn, fearful of allowing Little Edie to find the strength to leave her alone.

The aunt and first cousin, respectively, of Jacqueline Bouvier, Big Edie and Little Edie wind up living at Grey Gardens for half a century. In their heartbrokenness and growing fear of the outside world, the pair succumbs to extreme poverty, apathy and isolation, slowly allowing the estate to slip into extreme disrepair, disarray and squalor. The once-beautiful house is infested with stray animals and devolves into a complete dump, becoming a health hazard that the neighbors eventually alert the local authorities to, setting the scene for a raid that results in a truly heart-rending and emotional scene. Just as the city is prepared to evict them and condemn the house, Jackie comes to the rescue, paying to have the house cleaned and repaired.


Along the way, it seems we’re challenged to decide for ourselves whether Big Edie and Little Edie are eccentric, crazy or both. For example, Little Edie’s flair for exotic turbans is only partially attributed to her alopecia condition, which made all of her fall out. But the documentary, by the brother team of Albert and David Maysles, uses a direct cinema technique to show a highly dysfunctional relationship between mother and daughter. Their days at Grey Gardens centered around song and dance, harsh arguments, quick reconciliations and psychological warfare. After a burglary during a party in the house, the Edies slipped further into isolation, increasingly afraid to lose their possessions -- which had become their lives -- and increasingly distrustful of the world at large.

Directed by Michael Sucsy, “Grey Gardens” was nominated for 17 Primetime Emmys, winning six, along with a pair of Golden Globe Awards. Barrymore is nothing short of captivating as Little Edie, while Lange seems to truly capture the essence of loss and resignation that surrounds Big Edie. All in all, this can be a difficult and confusing movie to follow at times, but the payoff is worth it … as long as you value the story and don’t work too hard to try to find some deeper meaning in it all.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXIII: Massachusetts Pisses On Kennedy’s Grave, Plus Loss And Gain(es) In Football

In Massachusetts they took to the polls
With no compassion within their souls
When the “Liberal Lion” ceased his roar
Shady Republicans knocked down the door
Way to cave to a nobody, goddam Massholes

A promising athlete named Gaines
Succumbed to his heart pains
Chicago never knew him, it seems
But Adams himself had big dreams
In such times, football’s importance wanes

Relevancy has escaped the Big 10
Now expansion might be a win-win
Missouri is said to be a good fit
But the natural would seem to be Pitt?
Grasping at straws to be taken seriously again

Two candidates said, “No thanks”
The search was firing blanks
But Mike Nolan fell in their laps
The Tuna must be good at craps
Quite a coup for the Fins’ “D” ranks

Bogged down by concerns quite weighty
Devastating issues numbering more than 80
One earthquake after another
Children dying in the arms of their mother
My heart goes out to you, poor Haiti

Last time …

Wolf. Freaking. Pack.

Haiti: In An Unfair World, A Country At The Bottom Finds New Depths

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
—Martin Luther King

When I was in school at NC State, I wrote an article on Haiti for my Environmental Politics class. The more research I did, the more depressing it became to learn of the island country’s desperate poverty, ruinous ecological practices, rampant political corruption and inarguable status as the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere.

From an environmental point of view, in essence, a lack of resources and resource stewardship led to deforestation, which led to soil erosion, which led to desertification, which led to the land having no natural defenses, which led to Haiti becoming an ideal target for and frequent victim of horrific flooding and mudslides. This month’s earthquake -- and now word of an aftershock to the magnitude of 6.1 today -- was the latest in a string of natural disasters, and the resulting destruction of infrastructure and hellacious damage to such a poverty-stricken region feels like some unfeeling god’s version of kicking the christ out of a dead horse.

Now, as the world turns its eye toward Haiti and extends a helping hand in its destruction, our planet’s scum has risen from the depths to take advantage. I maintain that there is a special spot in Dante’s hell for those who would steal money intended to help people who have less than nothing, yet this type of fraud and abuse persists.

You’re already being asked by so many to give as much as you can, so I’m not going to add my voice to the fray, in the hopes that those who know more and better how you can assist can carry their voices as far and clearly as possible. But I will say that if you live in Raleigh, and you’re interested in ways to get involved in the Haiti situation, NewRaleigh can point you in the right direction. On a national level, the Clinton Bush Haiti Fund and the American Red Cross are two other proven ventures that will ensure that your money makes it to the right hands.

Nothing that any of us can say, or write, or pray, or give, seems like enough in such a dark and desolate situation. Yet it falls to each of us to ensure that something is said, words are written, prayers and thoughts are delivered, and hope is given. For Haiti’s motto is “Strength Through Unity” … and in a time when strength is wanting and bonds have been broken, it falls upon the global community to unify for the strength needed to lift up a fallen neighbor.

To Ube From Cup A Joe, Volume VII

Speed and soar, languish and burn, I plod thru stretches and race thru mountains, me, us, three, wandering but on a found path, chosen but not selected, picked but not preferred, a life of second choices, an existence of do-overs, a world of informed decisions, me, sugar in my pocket, a tater tot for a heart, kicked into awakeness and lied into awareness, the tricks, the pleas, the games unplayed, cynicism unfurled, hope unleashed, memories unremembered, I walk on, wise man's burden, the former me walking in my shadow, who I was only yesterday, who I am a lurking tomorrow, so chase that mirage, pursue the brilliance, up around that bend isn't what you thought it was, because that music plays on another realm -- or plane?-- the realm I live in a barrier to sound, strong enough to bear, smart enough to release, but don't release, pile it on me, keep kicking my wakefulness, I carry all I need on my back and shoulders, this new shell has shed that other skin, in the pinprick of a heartbeat, so lo my optimism, lay down that cynic's heart, cast aside that ironic banner, it's me, who I always was and knew was always there, in that shadow, behind that other shadow, waiting for that perfect place in the valley, in the mountain, in the canyon, to step out into the light, my light, now only to carry it to this next place, where no shadows dwell where the light always shines, my light, my valley, my mountain, my canyon, my light, hear this feel this, it is, it must be, my light. My light.

LT Speeds Career Freefall With Urkel-Like Rap

Um ...

You see ...

But ...

What had happened ...

I can't. I'm speakless.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXII: Turmoil At USC And Tennessee, Plus A Genuine Heroine Passes

A bonus limerick for a busy week ...

He looks like one Dr. Seavers
His teams were underachievers
Probation doesn’t go well with his calamari
So he skated out of town like Calipari
He’ll fail again in the NFL, for all you believers

Under a cloud, he did retire
Now an admission by Mark McGwire
“Will you forgive me if I sob?
“I really need this coaching job”
Nice try, but you’ll always be a liar

A guitar he pretended to stroke
In the tunnel he seemed to be on coke
But if there’s a constant in January
When there’s pressure and things get hairy
It's that McNabb will once again choke

With the media, he can be rather coy
Working for more calls was his ploy
He thinks the game is too physical
Does he not remember Tyler (and Will)?!
Hypocrisy, they name is Bitch Roy

After Carroll’s shady riffin’
On Mike Riley, they were whiffin’
So they got the Vols’ coach on the line
Their fans now crying in their moonshine
For USC has hired Lane Kiffin

Helped hide Anne Frank from the hate
And risked her family’s fatal fate
Miep Gies has passed away
Soon after her 100th birthday
Our world lost a heroine to heaven’s gate

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 8

#1
You know what makes me want to order Domino’s? When I see a commercial about how much they suck, how much everyone hates their pizza and how much they’re “experimenting” on how to make edible pizza. Mmm, good. Where’s the phone?

#2
So NBC finally lands a playoff game, and to celebrate, they compile their “dream team” of announcers to paint the audience the most vivid picture possible. Tom Hammond? Joe Theismann? Joe Gibbs? Tiki Barber? Are you fucking kidding me? Hell, at one point, Hammond referred to the best cornerback in the game, Darrelle Revis, as “Darrell Reeves.” Those guys missed a great game. And NBC missed a great opportunity.

#3
Seeing fake, stuffed antlers sticking out of the windows on either side of a minivan is bad enough … but on freaking January 5?!

#4
You gotta love the take by the Washington Wizards’ Gilbert Arenas after he pistol-whipped Jarrett Crittenton in the locker room –that it was a “joke.” “You know what would be hilarious? If I pretended to threaten your life at gunpoint with a fake pistol—except I wouldn’t pretend and it would be a real gun—piss-your-pants funny, right?” You know he’s going to say that he “wasn’t aware” (*cue Costanza*) that you couldn’t bring guns to the arena … did he think he could just stick a 9 mm in his sock and play the game? Did anyone else think of Billy Cole gunning down the other team during a run in the “Last Boy Scout” when you read this?

#5
Here’s a faceoff: Indian women (dots not feathers) drivers vs. Asian women drivers … who is worse?

#6
This is a big moment for the Cleveland Browns organization (I never thought I would type those words). How they handle the Joshua Cribbs situation (although his agent needs to stfu) will go a long way toward determining if anything at all has changed in that organization. That dude is a bonafide star, and whether they pay him or not will show whether they are the same ol’ Browns or if they are actually “different” with Mike Holmgren involved.

#7
I obviously don’t follow women’s basketball closely, but it sounds like State has knocked one out of the park with new coach Kellie Harper. She seems to have achieved a nice balance of acknowledging what former coach and forever legend Kay Yow created and recognizing to take that torch and elevate the entire program. This recent article on her included the thoughts of a writer who really seems to “get it” (sad that journalists around here are either too scared or too biased to recognize it): “And not to speak in rank generalizations, but … oh, you know how it is. NC State folks are used to rolling their eyes at the perceived elitism of Duke and self-reverence of North Carolina. If you're from outside the Triangle and have no allegiance to any of the schools, can you possibly not find yourself at least a little in the Wolfpack's corner?”

#8
Has anyone ever seen Golden Globe-nominated actor Stanley Tucci and Virginia Tech basketball coach Seth Greenberg in the same place at the same time?

#9
Shake-your-head NFL moment of the weekend: Baltimore running back Willis McGahee scores an essentially meaningless touchdown late in the romp over the Patsies. One offensive lineman hugs him before McGahee gets mad, shrugs him off and walks away. Another offensive lineman grabs him to celebrate, interrupting McGahee again and making him even more pissed. Finally, he pushes his teammates away so he can start his choreographed dance. For a guy who has basically become irrelevant on his own team, he came off looking not only selfish, but stupid. One day, the networks will get together and realize that if they cut away just after the touchdown is scored and don’t show these largely retarded celebrations, these jackasses will eventually stop doing them.

#10
Sometimes I watch “How I Met Your Mother,” and while it still has its entertaining moments, I think it’s largely jumped the shark. Maybe that is one of the reasons that the writers appear to be getting both lazy and desperate. To wit: In this week’s episode, Ted asks a girl, “Do you date idiots?” (or something like that) and she responds “Almost exclusively.” Being the “Seinfeld” fanatic that I am, I recognize the line immediately from "The Stakeout," where Jerry asks Vanessa, “Do you date immature men?” and she says, “Almost exclusively.” C’mon, now we’re going to frolic down the plagiarism path? Quit stealing shit from “Seinfeld,” “How I Met Your Mother”!

“Call To Action” Reveals No Secrets, But Offers A Panoramic View Of The Online Space

“Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons.”
—R. Buckminster Fuller

“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.”
—Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"

As I was headed full-bore back into the SEO world, I had the book “Call to Action: Secret Formulas to Improve Online Results” by Bryan and Jeffrey Eisenberg (“with Lisa T. Davis,” is added onto the end, like some creepy addendum referencing some type of brother-led threesome) passed along by a former colleague for review. I found it be a wide-ranging, fairly comprehensive look at several tactics necessary to achieve online success. Since my most intensive work in that world came from a company later described as “an enigma wrapped inside a riddle wrapped inside a chicken finger,” “Call to Action” was a welcome re-introduction, even if it was found to be less of a guidebook than it was billed.

Much of the book dealt with user pathing and usability, a subject that’s pretty intriguing to me. The authors repeatedly hammered home the idea that, due to the huge volume of sites vying for the attention of potential customers (e.g., “We constantly get inquiries from companies like WeCanSellOverpricedIceToEskimosBecauseWeHaveAWebSite.com. They are beyond help. Don’t be one of them.”), you need to hold the prospect’s hand all the way through the buying cycle, so they’re not catapulted away at some of the confusing points of the sales funnel: “The bottom line: each evolutionary step [of sales] has forced the merchant to work harder and systematically to remove friction from the buyer’s experience … It’s up to you—the buyer is always one click away from goodbye.”

The biggest issue was that some of the information was slightly dated, since the book was initially published in 2005. Getting past that, however, the book touched on a variety of subjects that have an impact on online marketing: color, design, usability, writing, campaigns, lead nurturing, hyperlinks, scenarios, planning, conversion, metrics and testing were among the many topics touched on by the Eisenbergs (and their oddly referenced assistant-type lady).

Through pure repetition, it was hard to miss that the Eisenbergs pet baby is Persuasion Architecture (they’ve written other books on it), and its inherent phases: uncovery, storyboarding, development, wireframing, prototyping and optimization. As a writer, I found myself most interested in some of their ideas about online copywriting. None of them were exactly revelatory or even anything I had not heard before, but it is always good to be reminded of some of the content pitfalls. The book quoted Dr. Duane Lakin, who said, “Too often, people talk or write they way that makes THEM feel comfortable and ignore what is necessary to make the audience feel good or be open to the message.” So the authors’ advice? "Speak to the dog in the language of the dog about what matters to the heart of the dog." Along these lines, they also shared a copywriting reference that I had not heard before that got me to chuckling a bit: “Copy should be as long as a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to keep it interesting.”

In terms of a marketing and public relations slant, I thought “Call to Action” did a good job of acknowledging their roles in the online sales space, briefly touching on these topics without delving too deeply into areas where they’re not as comfortable. I would say one of the few concerns about this book was that it seemed to attempt to cover a bit too much ground without dwelling too deeply into any one area; to me, it was the literary equivalent of being a jack of all trades and a master of none. In the sense that it wasn’t supremely focused on any one subject for long and didn’t really include anything groundbreaking, I don’t think it quite lived up its tagline of “Secret Formulas to Improve Online Results,” even though I think there is some kind of publishing rule that states that the word “secret” has to be in any book such as this. But overall, I found this book to be a good read and a valuable desktop reference tool -- images of a Lisa T. Davis sandwich notwithstanding.

Prioritization Is Key For The Dolphins Lengthy Offseason Agenda

Injuries, turnovers and an inability to finish games doomed the Miami Dolphins in 2009. The ‘Fins started out with three losses to start the season and finished up with three losses to end the season, but went 7-3 in between. In the good news department, it was a nice bit o’ luck to remain in playoff contention all the way up until the final regular-season game, yet still end up picking 12th overall in April’s draft.

So let’s take a look at the five positions that need the most dire attention this offseason, whether that be the draft, free agency or trade. Since we’ll revisit the likely draft targets in the coming months, this outlook isn’t meant to offer up specific draft suggestions or names. One of the challenges facing coach Tony Sparano, general manager Jeff Ireland and vice president of operations Bill “The Tuna” Parcells is to do a better job of making evaluations in free agency. Outside of a few exceptions, this braintrust has really only had transactional success with players they have experience with or have had a chance to groom. To the point, they have been poor in terms of breaking down players from other systems, franchises and backgrounds. That trend simply has to change if the Dolphins are to make drastic improvement in the third year under this regime.

Keeping that in mind, without further ado, here is a quick look at what should be the Dolphins’ primary offseason priorities, starting last Sunday at roughly 4:15 p.m.:


Priority: #1
Position: Nose Tackle
Situation: CRITICAL

Longtime vet and Tuna fave Jason Ferguson is held together with floss, Cheesy Poofs and fruit roll-ups at this point. He’s making noise like he wants to come back from the torn quadriceps he suffered halfway through the season, but there’s no way the ‘Fins can count on him fully even if he does make it back. Third-year project Paul Soliai had a few nice moments initially, but he’s not starting caliber on a team with playoff aspirations. Thus, the nose tackle position simply HAS to be addressed in the draft, arguably with Miami’s top selection. Identifying and landing someone similar to last year’s stud NT draftee, Boston College’s B.J. Raji, will be difficult, but anchor NTs for the 3-4 are too valuable to find anywhere else but in the draft (unless New England somehow incomprehensibly lets Vince Woolfork hit the open market).


Priority: #2
Position: Wide Receiver
Situation: CRITICAL

So, I saw Ned Ginn go out of bounds backwards in the regular-season finale. Yes, he’s become a favorite whipping boy of the Dolphins fanbase, but it’s for pretty good reason. At least we can thank him for cementing the fact that he will never be a No. 1 receiver this year, because I think the staff wanted him to be that so long that they were holding onto any flashes as promise of the future. Now, his future in Miami is cloudy even for next season.

Essentially, the rest of the corps is a collection of No. 3 receivers forced into roles higher than they would excel at on the wideout hierarchy. Brian Hartline was a revelation as a rookie, evoking some memories of Ed McCaffrey, but whither third-rounder Patrick Turner, who didn’t sniff the field? Starter Greg Camarillo is ideally suited as a No. 3, while fellow starter Davone Bess would truly shine as a slot guy.


The reality is that a true game-changer is needed at wide receiver (and all the better if he's a return man, too, because that's another weak area), whether that is through the draft, free agency or an offseason trade. Anquan Boldin’s compensation may be diminishing and I think at this point he might pay Miami to take him out of Arizona, so he remains an outside option. San Diego’s Vincent Jackson has been thrown out there as a free agent, but I doubt the Chargers let him walk, and if they do, Miami will have to deal with a long list of suitors. The most intriguing playmaker to me is Cleveland’s Josh Cribbs: he’s the league’s top return man, he plays wideout and he is proficient in the Wildcat, making him an ideal fit in every way for the ‘Fins. So how about Ned Ginn for Josh Cribbs? Hell, we already gave them Matt Roth for free in the most perplexing transaction of the Tuna Era. Maybe new Browns honcho Mike Holmgren had a high grade on Ginn coming out of college? Can’t hurt to ask …


Priority: #3
Position: Free Safety
Situation: High

If you read any of my blog, you know that I think Gibril “The Gerbil” Wilson is the worst safety in the league. He was benched a couple of times this year, and thankfully was again in the season finale. Considering the money he is due in the upcoming years, he has to be considered a 50-50 proposition to even return next year. In his stead, however, Chris Clemons looked overmatched, so the Dolphins will need to make a bold move in order to give the entire secondary and the strong safety, Yeremiah Bell, some needed help. They simply can’t afford to have a failure at one safety spot, not with two second-year cornerbacks who still are finding their way. Drafting a safety high or doling out a big contract for a free-agent safety would mean admitting they made another mistake in evaluation on the free agency market and pissed away significant money -- and do they have the collective egos to admit that?


Priority: #4
Position: Linebacker
Situation: Medium to High

This is a tough one, because at all four linebacker positions, massive questions exist. Outside linebackers Jason Taylor and Joey Porter are on their last legs and saw their production fade badly this year. But the situation at inside linebacker may be even more dire, because the Dolphins desperately need a playmaker at one of these two spots. Akin Ayodele was a complete mess down the stretch, getting victimized in the passing game and missing a tremendous number of tackles during the year’s defining three-game losing streak. Channing Crowder still has the problem of his words speaking much more loudly than his actions, and his tackles fell off dramatically this year. Ayodele and Crowder are both serviceable ‘backers in the right scheme, but having both lined up beside each other in a 3-4 is a recipe for disaster. Miami needs at least one playmaker in the middle of the field -- are you sensing a theme here?



Priority: #5
Position: Tight End
Situation: Medium

Anthony Fasano apparently wants a big-money deal, and he’s just not going to get it from the ‘Fins. After fumbling twice in the season opener to help gift-wrap a win for the Falcons, Fasano was M.I.A. for most of the year. The team really missed David Martin, who had something of a breakthrough a season ago, but was lost in the preseason. Joey Haynos and Kory Sperry are just guys, and Miami needs a speedier tight end to stretch the middle of the field and open up more passing lanes. A young quarterback’s best friend is a good tight end, and signal-caller Chad Henne would be hugely aided if Miami brought in a true weapon at that position.

Sandler Finds Niche In The Safety Of “Bedtime Stories”

Now that I have a child, it’s a little more socially acceptable to watch kid’s movies (right?). So I didn’t feel too immature when “Bedtime Stories” hit the mailbox recently. Honestly, I figured it’s more in Adam Sandler’s ballpark than most any other genre, and I thought he’d probably hit this one out of the park if he stuck to what he knew and did best. And he did.

Sandler directed in addition to starring, and he helped create a clever, well-constructed story that is undoubtedly a hit with kids but still has enough funny stuff to please the adults as well. The plot wasn’t too complicated, and you get away with a lot more “coincidences” in kid’s movies because that kind of stuff goes over their heads and they’re more interested in fart noises and bug-eyed rodents. So I just kind of accepted that Sandler’s sister (a strung-out-looking Courtney Cox) sort of randomly disappeared at one point and Sandler had to watch her kids, with the help of another randomly placed babysitter, that chick from “Felicity.”

Hilarity ensues as Sandler (the aptly named Skeeter Bronson) tries to recapture his youth by telling the kids bedtime stories. He spins fantastic tales that gain momentum after he learns that, on some levels, they actually begin to come true. The side story is that his sister never allowed her children any of the benefits of being kids, like hamburgers, TV and destroying the environment (one of their books was “The Organic Squirrel Gets His Bicycle Helmet” -- I laughed).

Anyway, I’m sure you can figure most of the rest out on your own. Predictably, Sandler enlists many of his usual cast of characters from his buddy circle (although Guy Pearce seemed like a rather strange inclusion), but it all works and delivers about what you hoped and expected -- get in, get laughs, get out in right at 90 minutes. I, for one, was happy to see Sandler acknowledge his wheelhouse and give up the notion that he was going to become a “serious” actor. To borrow a line from “Hitch,” this is where you live, Sandler. This is where you live.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXI: You’re Still A Douche, Saban, Plus New Decade Is Off To A Roaring Start

Was McCoy hurt or really just fakin’?
He’ll be the subject of some Texas hatin’
Just enough luck and a conservative approach
For a miserable state and a douche of a coach
Choke on that Gatorade, lil’ bitch Satan Saban

An outfield answer? Maybe Bay is
Mets better? I wish I could say this
Need someone who brings energy
And adds to a building synergy
The name of my band is “The Hammy of Reyes”

He patrolled the field over in left
He hit home runs with mighty heft
“The Hawk” was a childhood hero for the Cubs
He inspired Harry Caray’s drunken flubs
Welcome to the HOF, without you it was bereft

In the Wiz locker room, he pulled a gun or three
But they’re no longer the Bullets, you see
Like George Costanza, he asked, “Was that wrong?”
But David Stern was not laughing along
How ‘bout an indefinite suspension, Hibachi?

6-10 and he threw like fire
Now the “Big Unit” is set to retire
He wore a porn ‘stache and a mullet
His fastball was faster than a bullet
But he was a prick who drew teammates’ ire

Could it really be the year 2010?
And the same resolutions once again?
A new year full of optimism and hope
Old mistakes and memories washed out with soap
New Ube, new family is what I’ll remember of way back when

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 7

#1
I honestly never thought Queefer Sutherland would be back for yet another season of “24.” Didn’t he say that this was going to be the “last” season like five years ago? I guess passing out in hotel lobbies was getting too boring. Will Kimmy Bauer come back to rescue this season, too (and I will say that bringing back Agent Renee Walker was a strong move as well)? Oh well, I keep saying I can’t take it anymore, but yet I keep watching. I can’t quit you, Jack Bauer!

#2
Has anyone ever seen Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell and former Pack guard Scooter Sherrill in the same place at the same time?

#3
About the time that Sebastian Janikowski started date-rape-drugging himself at shady bars, he became a national joke, and deservedly so. But has anyone noticed that he has quietly become one of the best kickers I can ever remember in the NFL? I guess if you're kicking for a hellaciously shitty team and you don’t roofie yourself anymore, the pub isn’t exactly going to be knocking down your door. But the dude crushed a 61-yarder the other day and it got zero play anywhere. I see you working, Sea Bass.

#4
On a completely unrelated note, what is the consensus on cutting meat: Do you cut the entire piece into bite-sized pieces all at once, or do you cut pieces off one at a time as you’re eating them? I guess, to me, cutting them all at once feels childish. Discuss amongst yourselves.

#5
OK, time for another mind-numbing football pet peeve: A quarterback underthrows a receiver on a downfield route, either because he was hit or because it was just a terrible throw, the wideout tries to jump through the cornerback to get back to where the ball lands and a defensive pass interference flag is thrown. Now, I understand that every rule these days is in place to facilitate offense, but dear lord … sometimes I wonder how the hell a guy is legitimately supposed to play cornerback these days.

#6
Fox’s BCS studio show has to be among the worst pieces of sports programming I have ever seen. Chris Rose hosting with Eddie George and Jimmy Johnson on a Technicolor-orange set surrounded by life-sized Reese’s wrappers on everything within 60 feet? Really? That’s the best you could do? A Ryan Seacrest wannabe with no sports background (Rose), a guy who can’t form complete sentences or coherent thoughts (George) and a burnout who cheated his way through college football and only covers the NFL all season long (Johnson)—how could that possibly miss?

#7
That new show “The Deep End” looks pretty bad. It’s surprising to see that Chris Paul will get a chance to cross over to acting so quickly.

#8
At the risk of dating myself (*that’s what she said*), I’ve been going to the Man Mur Barber Shop across from State’s campus for, I don’t know, 15 years? Aside from the occasional racist joke and still getting questions about what classes I’m taking, it’s quick, professional, cheap and top-notch. I guess that’s why I was only mildly surprised that Playboy apparently named it one of the top 10 barber shops in the nation. The barbers have been bitching about the Hillsborough Street construction for months, so hopefully the added pub will help them make up for the business they think they’ve lost.

#9
Serious question: Has ESPN college football “analyst” Mark May ever been right about anything, ever?

#10
I appreciate what Pat Summerall has done for the game of football, and I applaud his effort to get sober after so many years. But isn’t he one of those guys who should just fade away? How in the hell does he land a gig calling a bowl game when he can barely identify which teams are playing, much less who the players are? Am I a bad person if I suggest that he was a much better announcer when he had a few Cutty and waters in him?

To Ube From Cup A Joe, Volume VI

Listen. Always take the chance. Try not to second guess. Find an outlet for creativity. Learn how to conversate. Don't just wait until the other person stops talking; actively listen. Don't drink and drive. But drink. And become a good driver. Don't ever say "I wish" -- do it or forget it. Be fair to whoever you're with. Don't cheat; you'll never improve. Try to be amicable -- but remember that everything ends badly, or else it wouldn't end. Forgive, but don't forget. Sometimes it is OK to be bitter. Do something just for you every once in a while. Don't expect or chase credit; it only comes when you're not looking for it. Work hard. Inspiration comes in the unlikeliest of places and when you're not expecting it -- don't let it pass. Take advantage of it. Learn to spell well. Be thankful. Nothing takes you further than a handwritten note. Make yourself essential. Make eye contact. Be the person that you'd be drawn to. Don't give third chances. Remember that people don't ever really change—always remember this. You are going to like -- or even love -- more than one person at a time. There is nothing wrong with that that can't be solved with a decision. Be tender; be true. Always remember who you are -- even if you're not really sure -- because the only thing you have in this world is your name. Protect it with your life. Don't make excuses; come up with solutions. Usually it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Don't do anything halfway. Find at least one thing that you are truly passionate about. Try to find the instrument inside you. Music truly makes the world go 'round. Be artistic. Cultivate a sense or humor -- there are few things more important and few possessions more prized. Be political. Have an opinion. Take a stand. Vote. Develop a positive self-image. Don't measure yourself with anyone else's scale but your own. Disagree with your parents. But cherish them. Listen to a child's laugh sometimes. Look at things through a child's eyes sometimes. Sit outside whenever you can. Lose yourself in books as often as you can. Read. Not online, but something you can have and hold. Especially the classics. They are the foundation of our culture. Be bold. Laugh at yourself as often as at others. Accept constructive criticism. But defend yourself against criticism. Think whether this will be important in five years. Think in context. Find heroes. Believe in the unbelievable. Be a cynic. But never lose hope. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Be the one who reaches out. Fiercely protect your friends. One day you will wake up and realize that they are actually your family. Choose them wisely. Remember that who you're with is who you are. Do something you're not supposed to. But don't do it twice. Challenge yourself -- no one else might. You are never going to get anything you don't ask for. "No" isn't ever as bad as you think it will be. Laugh a lot. You can wonder, but limit that. If it becomes "if only," take action. You can change the world in you. Be a hero to one other person. Cry a lot. Pick something to really throw yourself into. Pick one thing every year that you'd like to learn about. Question the world. Raise your hand. Show your heart. Have a dog. They are the only thing in our world that loves you more than it loves itself. You can learn things you never knew existed simply by looking in their eyes. You can change yourself. Never give up. Be your own biggest fan. Ask for help. More people love you than you know. Love yourself first. Be able to turn it off. Be able to walk away. Be able to laugh it off. Be a person who talks to at least one other person they don't know at every party. Have a great toast memorized. Take relationships seriously. If you decide to be in one, be in one. If you think you like someone else, you're not in the relationship you think you're in anymore. Communicate. It's OK to move on. Your heart will be broken. You will break a heart. It's one more thing that isn't as important as it seems, except to show you you're alive. Be impulsive. Travel. Immerse. Stand in awe sometimes. Find a way to be spiritual. But not for anyone else -- for you. Spend time in quiet thought every day. Turn off the TV sometimes. Don't waste time very much -- maybe a little. Take a nap every now and again. Be open-minded. Don't let one person represent a culture. Learn about the world. Educate yourself. Be a skeptic. There's a reason the word "healthy" usually comes in front of "skepticism." Form your own opinions. Create your own conclusions. Go against the flow. Swim against the tide. Walk apart from the herd; be your own herd. Don't let others determine what you believe.

Despite Weak Ending, “Eagle Eye” Is Akin To George Orwell’s “1984” On Steroids

“They changed every traffic light to get us here. The woman, she called me on a stranger's cell phone who happened to be sitting next to me - never met the guy in my life. And then they broke me out of maximum security custody in a way I'm not even going to describe to you because it sounds crazy, and then they lift us off the face of the earth and drop us into this shitpile. She could probably derail a train … she could probably turn a train into a talking duck.”

“Eagle Eye” looked intriguing to me in the commercials months ago, so when the opportunity came to toss it onto the NetFlix list, I took it. After all, it was billed as being “co-produced” by Steven Spielberg (which likely only means that he used the script as a coaster at one point) and it looked like a heart-pounding thriller. And for about half of the flick, that was a pretty apt description.

The first part of the movie features something like the headquarters of CTU gone haywire, with crazy-ass technology both enabling and battling political will. The plot circles around a pair of identical brothers, both played by Shia LaBeouf (you can laugh). Rather predictably, one is a sarcastic slacker and one is a militaristic overachiever. When his brother’s actions impact his going-nowhere life, Jerry Shaw is sucked up into a conspiracy-worthy storyline that evoked memories of the “Bourne Supremacy.” What ensues are a tremendous number of scenes that make you have to catch your breath, with epic car chases, lots of shit blowing up and bleeding-edge technology that makes your head spin.

Director D.J. Caruso begins with a tremendous premise, but some of the plot seemed a bit overly intricate, drawn-out and unnecessary. In some ways, it reminded me of the “Austin Powers” bit about “Why don’t you just shoot him now! I mean, come on, I’ll go get a gun.” At least LeBouef is solid (when he’s not getting DUIs in Yugos in real life), injecting a little humor into the Big Brother-like hyper-intensity of the film. He starts out on this venture involuntarily trying to vindicate his brother, but ends up on a quest to vindicate himself and his worth. Michelle Monoghan was OK as Rachel Holloman, who gets sucked up in Jerry’s dilemma, but the scene-stealer in this one was easily Billy Bob Thornton. As Agent Thomas Morgan, he uncorks a few stellar lines, such as, “If you're staring at me, it better be because I'm the goddamn suspect. Because if I don't get some good leads soon, you're all gonna be demoted into something that's gonna require touching shit with your hands.”


Apparently, many of the initial reviews centered around a feeling or perception that “Eagle Eye” was unrealistic. I admit that it was scary, but I don’t buy the unrealistic part. I’m sure this level of intrusive surveillance goes on to some extent already, and I know it was taken much further under the paranoia of “W.” It’s hard to debate the fact that the technology already exists, and while this film arguably takes it to a level that asks for a suspension of disbelief, it doesn’t take it far enough that it seems far-fetched. For some, maybe it is scarier to think of it that way and easier to dismiss it as unrealistic.

Now, where I can get on board with some of the critics is on the idea that some of the plot spokes never quite made sense. I think there was some measure of hiding plot holes with special effects, which is often the technique of a lazy director with a lack of respect for writing chops and an over-emphasis on the magic of effects. The movie was apparently released initially on IMAX, which would have been rather amazing for many scenes, including one set in a cornfield that brought flashbacks of “Se7en.”

The ending admittedly becomes rather cheesy, highlighted by a computer that is akin to HAL on trucker speed. Unfortunately, some of the late-flick decisions speed the degeneration of the movie in the second half and take away from what was, to that point, a very interesting film. And while the conclusion left at least me with a bitter taste in my mouth, there was apparently an alternate ending filmed that left open the possibility and opportunity for a sequel. If Caruso could find a way to make a second “Eagle Eye” that retains the intensity and intrigue of the first half of his first effort, he could be on to a franchise; however, the way he left “Eagle Eye” and the computer makes one think that a sequel would result in a big screen of death.