#1 “Flashforward,” “24,” “Heroes,” “Lost” … All gone. Killed by reality TV. God help us all.
#2 I see both sides of the Gale Sayers vs. Brian Urlacher thing. But I think it’s all pretty petty and have to believe Urlacher has bigger issues to worry about at this stage of his career.
#3 On the “New Adventures of Old Christine,” they booked a flight on Shanif Mormon Airlines, only to find that every one of their flights goes through Salt Lake City. I laughed. But I can: some of my best friends are Mormon.
#4 It was neat to see the Dolphins finally do right by #54, Zach Thomas. A throwback player from another era, we’ll never see another one like him. But to those who think the franchise has finally learned a lesson in humility, keep in mind that Thomas had to reach out to them to make this happen.
#5 Check out 108 cool "Lost" T-shirts. You gotta love #29, #34 and #56, but #45 is hands-down my favorite.
#6 So, when did women’s tennis players all get so freaking huge? I miss the days of Amanda Coetzer, Chris Evert and the like, who were not only excellent players, but rather nice to look at as well. I'd settle for just a bit of estrogen at this point; they all look like dudes in wigs now.
#7 The arrival of the remakes of “Karate Kid,” “Hawaii 5-0,” “A-Team” and the like to the big and little screen tells me two things: one, I’m getting pretty goddam old, and B, Hollywood has even less creativity than I thought if they’re not only recycling things so early, but recycling shit like that.
#8 I almost lost is when Jim Nance started quoting a Bette Midler song at the end of the Memorial Tournament to somehow “honor” Justin Rose. In such situations, is it too much to ask Nick Faldo to backhand him? I mean, isn’t that his duty? Somebody has to reign in Nance, that sanctimonious bastard, at some point.
#9 I’m sure a bit late to this party, but it just strikes me as rather funny that the actor in the wheelchair in “Glee” (although he’ll always be the kidnapped pizza delivery boy from “The Office” to me) is named Kevin McHale. I always hated Kevin “Frankenstein” McHale when he played for the Celtics.
#10 John Wooden lived the idea of love and balance. He was a coach at UCLA for 28 years, married for 53 years, lived in LA for 61 years, didn’t have a drink in 77 years and didn’t curse in 85 years. And he loved his wife as much in the quarter-century after she passed as he did while she was alive. He was the last best thing about college athletics, in my humble opinion.
#1 There really isn’t much I can add to this to make it any funnier. So behold … the Better Marriage Blanket.
#2 I admit that I got the giggles watching Walter toking the kind bud on the retro episode of “Fringe.” Then Throwback Dunham walked in and those giggles quickly turned into gasps.
#3 Do you remember when Indiana Jones was forced to drink the blood of kali ma in the “Temple of Doom”? Well, when Ube is on the changing table, her shimmying looks almost exactly like Indy’s (5:38 mark of this video). Makes for some nervous moments.
#4 We love El Rodeo. To paraphrase “City Slickers,” “It’s hot, cheap and plenty of it.” And no one is claiming that it’s going to win any awards in the Mexican culinary realm. But even they could not have been thrilled one Friday night when a horse trailer showed up in their parking lot. And now to quote “Seinfeld” during the episode about Kenny Rogers Roasters: “That’s not going to be good for business.” “That’s not going to be good for anybody.”
#5 I loved the A-Team as a kid. Hell, maybe my first shoplifting experience involved ripping open a Mr. T action figure package and bogarting some of his weaponry. That being said, I don’t think I can adequately describe how freaking stupid the new A-Team movie looks.
#6 If rumors are true and “24” is going off the air for good after this season, they’re certainly not holding back anything. In a scene that had to challenge the censors, Jack Bauer gives his hostage an awake stomach exam with a knife in order to retrieve a SIM card. And apparently, stomach acid has little effect on SIM cards, because it still worked. Kudos, Sprint!
#7 How is Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing different than San Diego’s Shawne Merriman? After it was announced that Cushing would receive a four-game suspension for failing a drug test, the AP decided to revote on the Defensive Rookie of the Year Award, which Cushing had won. After the 2005 season, Merriman won Defensive Rookie of the Year, even though he failed a drug test and was suspended for the first four games of 2006. He finished third in the Defensive Player of the Year voting after that season, sparking Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor, who won the award, to ask how a guy who was doing ‘roids could be eligible for such a reward. What has changed since then?
#8 A few great recent references on “30 Rock”: a church called “Our Lady of Reluctant Integration” and a product called Pajamaralls -- yup, a Snuggie knockoff that combines pajamas and overalls. Love it.
#9 I consider myself very open-minded when it comes to social media channels and emerging social networking platforms. But I just can't shake the opinion that FourSquare is really, really fucking stupid.
#10 Huge ups to former NC State golfer Timmy Clark. Recently dogged by criticism that he’s the best player never to have won a PGA event (although nearly $15 million in career earnings isn’t a bad consolation prize), all he did was go out and win the freaking Players Championship, the so-called “fifth major.” Powered by a mesmerizing four-birdie-in-a-row streak in the middle of his final round, he came from behind and drained a clutch eight-footer to prove he wouldn’t be denied on this day. Great “W” for T.C., and one that was celebrated throughout Wolfpack Nation.
#1 I can’t tell you how much I would pay for a Doug Heffernan bobblehead doll. Hell, for that matter, I would also kill for a George Costanza one as well.
#2 Brandon Marshall and a fifth-rounder for Ned Ginn and two second-rounders? Sold.
#3 Not to dwell on Ned Ginn too much, because he took an insane amount of heat in Miami, and even though it was deserved, it’s not like the guy ever embarrassed the team off the field or anything. But his “fuck” and “bitch”-laden Twitter tirade was just more proof that it was time for him to go -- anywhere. And note to Ned: Don’t have a Twitter account if you can’t handle the occasional buttnugget weighing in with some criticism. And best of luck in San Francisco … seems like the right town for you.
#5 Strong speculation is that Wolfpack rising junior guard Julius Mays is transferring out of the program after recognizing that he won’t be seeing many minutes in the next couple of years as the Pack dramatically upgrades its backcourt talent. I for one will always remember Mays as only State player who played with any heart at all during the ACC Tournament loss to Maryland in 2008-09, when he dropped in a career-best 18 points. Best of luck to Mays wherever he ends up.
#6 I had vomit-accompanied déjà vu when Jack W. Bauer dropped a “nucular” during a recent episode of “24.”
#7 “Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.” Learn it. Know it. Live it.
#8 Another clue to some of the answers to “Lost” was revealed when the Man In Black admitted that he had occasionally taken the form of dead loved ones in order to influence the survivors for his own purposes. So some of the “ghosts” are those who are essentially in purgatory and can’t “move on” (Michael’s words) while others are appropriated by the MIB for mischievous reasons. There is also a theory that Desmond is replacing Jacob as the “fix-it man” while Jack is being groomed to replace the MIB as the “mischief man.” However, a more plausible theory could be that Desmond is trying to reunite the survivors to force those off the island to remember their on-island lives, thus blending and merging the alternate timelines. Also, is the “mysterious child” the judge between good and evil? Carry on.
#9 Hey C.J. Leslie, Kate Gosselin thinks you’re attention-starved. Quit looking for a spotlight that isn’t there and make a big-boy decision.
#10 Coupla thoughts about Jason Taylor to the New York Jets, outside of the do-I-even-have-to-say-it dry-heaving reaction. First thing to keep in mind is Taylor has the Miami media in his pocket, so you have to take half the reaction from the hand-wringing, up-in-arms columnists with a grain of salt, because their opinions are rife with his ready-made phrasing. The second thing is that the Dolphins do have a lot to learn about PR, lest they travel down the road of Jimmy Johnson and combine failure with fan acrimony. I agree with Zach Thomas in that there is a right and wrong way to treat a player who is and was a pillar of the franchise, and too often, Miami is taking the wrong way. All that being said, F you JT. You still chose to dance with the devil.
#1 I kind of dig where “Flashforward” is going. But I think they’d better get there a little quicker than “Lost,” because I get the sense that they’re not going to get as much time to reveal all the answers.
#2 I’ve always felt Donovan McNabb was pretty overrated (marking the one and only time I have ever agreed with pill-popping fraud Rush Limbaugh on anything). But even I was surprised that the Iggles traded him within the division to the Redskins. I guess Philly figures that if the ‘Skins ever actually contend for the NFC East title, McNabb will play to form and choke in the biggest game?
#3 Pet peeve #614: People who don’t understand body language. Say, for instance, you have a chair in your cubicle, and you always put your bag on it, yet someone likes to come into your cube, move your bag and sit their fat arse down and start talking to you. Meanwhile, you’re using every non-verbal cue in your repertoire to communicate to this person that you would like them to leave without having to tell them that they are the most annoying fucking person on Earth. Next step: leaving a goddam cinder block in the chair.
#4 Peeps have so many chemicals that after a period of time passes, the material inside them becomes concrete-like, capable of withstanding untold exposure to the elements without losing its adhesive qualities. Legend has it that you can see an ongoing exhibit of this phenomenon under the Round Table at the Profile.
#5 Congratulations, Coach Krazooski. Teaching players to constantly flop as part of an effort to ruin the college game notwithstanding, eight title game appearances and four championships is crazy. Now, get the F over yourself and learn how to take a goddam joke.
#6 Not that I don’t enjoy hearing a “joke” a good 9 or 10,000 times, but can we finally retire the whole Duke-New Jersey bit? On top of being unfunny and untrue, it’s just downright lazy and played out by about 20 years. Carry on.
#7 Ollie Purnell getting $15 million over seven years to coach at DePaul? Nice work if you can get it. I don’t think anyone at Clemson noticed, though; they’re too busy trying to convince themselves they should be in the SEC for football. The ACC will miss you, Lou Gossett Jr.
#8 Have to admit I was a big fan of the Presidential bitch-slap on “24.”
#9 So after Jack Bauer takes a bit of time out of his day to bag Renee Walker (half an hour in “real time”; well-played, sir) on “24,” they pull a page out of the James Bond playbook and kill her off 90 seconds after coitus. I’m going to miss her—though not her use of the same face to portray sadness, anger, anguish, surprise, confusion, excitement, depression, turmoil, loneliness, frustration, boredom, suspicion and satisfaction.
#10 I’ve been rather surprised at the lack of feedback on the new NFL Draft format. The first round will take place in prime time (7:30 p.m.) on Thursday, April 22, and the second and third rounds will begin at 6:30 p.m. on Friday, April 23. The last four rounds will start at 10 a.m. on Saturday, April 24. Gone are the days of having a draft party starting on Saturday morning, passing out after about seven picks, then waking up in time to see who your team takes (goaded by news of fake trades to get your arse moving). Just another great tradition ruined by a pro sports money grab. *sigh*
#1 If you’re like me, it was a bit off-putting to see Elaine’s ponytailed boyfriend, Craig (Harry Van Gorkum), from “Seinfeld” making an appearance as British emissary Louis Dalton on “24.” I cannot put a ceiling on the amount of money I would pay to have Jack Bauer finish an interrogation of him by saying, “The Nicole Miller was never arriving from Milan, was it, pal? WAS IT?!” before choking him with his own ponytail.
#2 Darrell Green recently ran the 40-yard dash in 4.43 seconds. Not bad, you’re saying? He’s. Freaking. 50. Years. Old. There really isn’t anything I can add to that.
#3 So, in the Scoot Cave, my 8-year-old niece saw a bobblehead of Michael Scott from “The Office.” She promptly asked why I have a bobblehead of George Bush. She doesn’t know me very well.
#4 It is impressive how far Dabo Swinney has come. From a struggling skater in the movie “The Cutting Edge” all the way to Clemson football coach? Wow. Excuse me just a second, sorry … OK, I’m being told that was D.B. Sweeney in “The Cutting Edge.” Carry on.
#5 Has anyone ever seen NC State wingman Scott Wood and Matt Saracen (Zach Gilford) of “Friday Night Lights” in the same place at the same time? (Work with me here, the Jimmy Chitwood resemblance is played out.)
#6 The father of American speed skater Apollo Anton Ohno is named Yuki Ohno. Goddam that guy for breaking up the Beatles.
#7 First off, to those who say they are disappointed in Tiger Woods because he was the kind of guy you hoped your child would grow into, well, you have no concept of parenting. Choosing to have your child aspire to be like someone because they can hit a little white ball really well is really, well, sad. Second, if you needed this episode to figure out that Tiger Woods is a complete and utter douche, then you need to turn off ESPN and start forming your own opinions.
#8 LaDainian Tomlinson got kicked to the curb by the Chargers, begging the question: Has anyone ever fallen faster and harder than LT? Hell, Shaun Alexander thinks LT dropped off the face of the earth pretty quick. Tomlinson certainly sped his downfall with his petulant behavior and refusal to play injured -- and this certainly didn’t help, either. Oh, well. Thanks for that one year you carried my fantasy football team, dude. Late.
#9 Went for a walk at Shelly Lake recently. In the parking lot, we noticed a dog locked in a car. What kind of complete piece of shit takes his dog to a park … and then leaves it in the goddam car!? How much of a tease is that for a dog?! How freaking cruel can you be!?
#10 It was a bit eerie to hear The Stooges’ “Search and Destroy” playing on “Lost” during the scene where Sawyer is getting drunk in his old home. I was listening to that song and album (“Raw Power”) in the car prior to that episode coming on. The question becomes: Am I part of the flash-sideways? If so, I’m volunteering to be conned by Kate.
#1 “24” is back with a bang (great tagline, Fox), and this season features a CTU analyst named Arlo who looks exactly like J.J. Redick, as well as an Islamic leader with a pompadour that makes him look like a Mexican Elvis. Good times are certain to follow.
#3 Thank christ I finally found a way to “unfriend” and block folks on Facebook. Let’s just say it has become much easier to cut down on requests to join Farmville and being forced to read ignorant, transparently racist views about how health care is the work of the devil.
#4“The Office” came back with a vengeance with what was essentially a “greatest moments” show. Normally I would take a show to task for being lazy for opening up a new season by stringing together highlights … but I was laughing way too hard to be upset.
#5 If you have a problem with pulling for New Orleans, you have a problem with yourself. The Saints and their relationship with their city and their people are a great story that they’re going to make a Disney movie out of some day. Laissez les bon temps rouler.
#6 Is there any question that Stephen Colbert represents the greatest combination of humor, sophistication and political commentary that we have today? I think the dude is nothing short of brilliant. He’s Bill Maher with charisma.
#7 “Fringe” is my favorite drama on TV, but they screwed the pooch in a big way when they trotted out their first new episode of the season—and it featured a character that was killed off last season. Running shows out of order happens in the TV biz, and I get that, but c’mon “Fringe” … you’re better than that.
#8 Dear Jets, Congratulations on your good fortune in getting opponents to roll over and miss field goals. I offer begrudging praise for your play in recent weeks. I’m sure it has been a memorable ride for you and your fans. Every playoffs in any sport should have a Cinderella story. Now shut the fuck up.
#9 Dear Butt Favre, Please stay retired this time. Also, shut the fuck up.
#10 I’m hoping Eko and Charlie show up in some form during the last season of “Lost.” Not that I’m looking forward to it or have been anticipating it for seven months or anything.
#1 I honestly never thought Queefer Sutherland would be back for yet another season of “24.” Didn’t he say that this was going to be the “last” season like five years ago? I guess passing out in hotel lobbies was getting too boring. Will Kimmy Bauer come back to rescue this season, too (and I will say that bringing back Agent Renee Walker was a strong move as well)? Oh well, I keep saying I can’t take it anymore, but yet I keep watching. I can’t quit you, Jack Bauer!
#2 Has anyone ever seen Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell and former Pack guard Scooter Sherrill in the same place at the same time?
#3 About the time that Sebastian Janikowski started date-rape-drugging himself at shady bars, he became a national joke, and deservedly so. But has anyone noticed that he has quietly become one of the best kickers I can ever remember in the NFL? I guess if you're kicking for a hellaciously shitty team and you don’t roofie yourself anymore, the pub isn’t exactly going to be knocking down your door. But the dude crushed a 61-yarder the other day and it got zero play anywhere. I see you working, Sea Bass.
#4 On a completely unrelated note, what is the consensus on cutting meat: Do you cut the entire piece into bite-sized pieces all at once, or do you cut pieces off one at a time as you’re eating them? I guess, to me, cutting them all at once feels childish. Discuss amongst yourselves.
#5 OK, time for another mind-numbing football pet peeve: A quarterback underthrows a receiver on a downfield route, either because he was hit or because it was just a terrible throw, the wideout tries to jump through the cornerback to get back to where the ball lands and a defensive pass interference flag is thrown. Now, I understand that every rule these days is in place to facilitate offense, but dear lord … sometimes I wonder how the hell a guy is legitimately supposed to play cornerback these days.
#6 Fox’s BCS studio show has to be among the worst pieces of sports programming I have ever seen. Chris Rose hosting with Eddie George and Jimmy Johnson on a Technicolor-orange set surrounded by life-sized Reese’s wrappers on everything within 60 feet? Really? That’s the best you could do? A Ryan Seacrest wannabe with no sports background (Rose), a guy who can’t form complete sentences or coherent thoughts (George) and a burnout who cheated his way through college football and only covers the NFL all season long (Johnson)—how could that possibly miss?
#7 That new show “The Deep End” looks pretty bad. It’s surprising to see that Chris Paul will get a chance to cross over to acting so quickly.
#8 At the risk of dating myself (*that’s what she said*), I’ve been going to the Man Mur Barber Shop across from State’s campus for, I don’t know, 15 years? Aside from the occasional racist joke and still getting questions about what classes I’m taking, it’s quick, professional, cheap and top-notch. I guess that’s why I was only mildly surprised that Playboy apparently named it one of the top 10 barber shops in the nation. The barbers have been bitching about the Hillsborough Street construction for months, so hopefully the added pub will help them make up for the business they think they’ve lost.
#9 Serious question: Has ESPN college football “analyst” Mark May ever been right about anything, ever?
#10 I appreciate what Pat Summerall has done for the game of football, and I applaud his effort to get sober after so many years. But isn’t he one of those guys who should just fade away? How in the hell does he land a gig calling a bowl game when he can barely identify which teams are playing, much less who the players are? Am I a bad person if I suggest that he was a much better announcer when he had a few Cutty and waters in him?
“They changed every traffic light to get us here. The woman, she called me on a stranger's cell phone who happened to be sitting next to me - never met the guy in my life. And then they broke me out of maximum security custody in a way I'm not even going to describe to you because it sounds crazy, and then they lift us off the face of the earth and drop us into this shitpile. She could probably derail a train … she could probably turn a train into a talking duck.”
“Eagle Eye” looked intriguing to me in the commercials months ago, so when the opportunity came to toss it onto the NetFlix list, I took it. After all, it was billed as being “co-produced” by Steven Spielberg (which likely only means that he used the script as a coaster at one point) and it looked like a heart-pounding thriller. And for about half of the flick, that was a pretty apt description.
The first part of the movie features something like the headquarters of CTU gone haywire, with crazy-ass technology both enabling and battling political will. The plot circles around a pair of identical brothers, both played by Shia LaBeouf (you can laugh). Rather predictably, one is a sarcastic slacker and one is a militaristic overachiever. When his brother’s actions impact his going-nowhere life, Jerry Shaw is sucked up into a conspiracy-worthy storyline that evoked memories of the “Bourne Supremacy.” What ensues are a tremendous number of scenes that make you have to catch your breath, with epic car chases, lots of shit blowing up and bleeding-edge technology that makes your head spin.
Director D.J. Caruso begins with a tremendous premise, but some of the plot seemed a bit overly intricate, drawn-out and unnecessary. In some ways, it reminded me of the “Austin Powers” bit about “Why don’t you just shoot him now! I mean, come on, I’ll go get a gun.” At least LeBouef is solid (when he’s not getting DUIs in Yugos in real life), injecting a little humor into the Big Brother-like hyper-intensity of the film. He starts out on this venture involuntarily trying to vindicate his brother, but ends up on a quest to vindicate himself and his worth. Michelle Monoghan was OK as Rachel Holloman, who gets sucked up in Jerry’s dilemma, but the scene-stealer in this one was easily Billy Bob Thornton. As Agent Thomas Morgan, he uncorks a few stellar lines, such as, “If you're staring at me, it better be because I'm the goddamn suspect. Because if I don't get some good leads soon, you're all gonna be demoted into something that's gonna require touching shit with your hands.”
Apparently, many of the initial reviews centered around a feeling or perception that “Eagle Eye” was unrealistic. I admit that it was scary, but I don’t buy the unrealistic part. I’m sure this level of intrusive surveillance goes on to some extent already, and I know it was taken much further under the paranoia of “W.” It’s hard to debate the fact that the technology already exists, and while this film arguably takes it to a level that asks for a suspension of disbelief, it doesn’t take it far enough that it seems far-fetched. For some, maybe it is scarier to think of it that way and easier to dismiss it as unrealistic.
Now, where I can get on board with some of the critics is on the idea that some of the plot spokes never quite made sense. I think there was some measure of hiding plot holes with special effects, which is often the technique of a lazy director with a lack of respect for writing chops and an over-emphasis on the magic of effects. The movie was apparently released initially on IMAX, which would have been rather amazing for many scenes, including one set in a cornfield that brought flashbacks of “Se7en.”
The ending admittedly becomes rather cheesy, highlighted by a computer that is akin to HAL on trucker speed. Unfortunately, some of the late-flick decisions speed the degeneration of the movie in the second half and take away from what was, to that point, a very interesting film. And while the conclusion left at least me with a bitter taste in my mouth, there was apparently an alternate ending filmed that left open the possibility and opportunity for a sequel. If Caruso could find a way to make a second “Eagle Eye” that retains the intensity and intrigue of the first half of his first effort, he could be on to a franchise; however, the way he left “Eagle Eye” and the computer makes one think that a sequel would result in a big screen of death.
“But there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men.”
A tattoo artist I know once told me that they had a rush of youngsters coming into their parlor asking for “the tattoo from ‘Boondock Saints’” (an Irish cross on the inside of the arm). Setting aside the idiocy and unoriginality stemming from asking for a tattoo that means nothing except that you saw it in a movie that was made a decade ago, it pointed out the rise of this flick as a cult classic. So, I had to check it out for myself.
Originally released in 1999, it was re-released in theaters in 2006. It was written and directed by Troy Duffy, who apparently had been inspired to write the screenplay when he witnessed a drug dealer rob a corpse for heroin money in Los Angeles. Casting problems stymied the production of the film itself, along with Duffy’s own ego problems; at one point, Mark Wahlberg and Stephen Dorff had been tabbed for the lead brother roles—which, obviously, would have been met with horrible results.
The movie deals primarily with the concept of vigilante justice. Twin brothers Connor and Murphy McManus, played by Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus, respectively, are intent on avenging their dead mother, who was killed under circumstances we’re not privy to—or so we are somewhat led to believe. Either that or they are inspired by a sermon about the sad, incredible tale of Kitty Genovese. Living in poverty in an old jail or locker room, the brothers toil at dead-end jobs, brawl, go to church, punch women, speak many languages and, of course, drink. A lot. All of those factors eventually lead to them getting caught in the cross-fire between the Irish and Russian mafia, thrust into the middle of an international gang war they wanted little part of. After an evening in their favorite bar (served by a hysterical old bartender with Tourette’s), they get into a dustup with Russian gangsters that leads to a couple of dead Ruskies—and the brothers emerging as prime suspects for the Boston PD.
Cue the arrival of FBI Special Agent Paul Smecker, an eccentric, flamboyantly gay character played by Willem Defoe (apparently channeling Denis Leary). Using a Discman (which is funny, for some reason), Smecker listens to classical music as he investigates crime scenes and creeps out his colleagues with his effeminate ways. However, in a movie riddled with gay overtones, the agent attempts to fight back against the stereotypes in some ways; in one scene, after an intimate encounter with an Asian man, he kicks him out of bed, saying, “Cuddle? What a fag.”
The shot-up brothers eventually turn themselves into Smecker, playing up the fact that they acted in self-defense and using the jail as a safe haven against Russian mafia reprisals. The McManus brothers turn out to be local heroes among the cops, giving them even more protection, and Smecker realizes that they will bear close watching. In a strange scene set in the jail in the middle of the night, God supposedly revealed to the brothers simultaneously that their mission is to punish the wicked; the revelation isn’t clear in the movie and I only read about it in other quarters, so that’s a pretty major plot point to leave clouded in confusion.
Using foreshadowing and flashbacks, more characters are woven into the story, including a surprise appearance by the “Hedgehog,” Ron Jeremy, as a mafia henchman and the husband of Chloe from “24,” Carlo Rota, as boss “Papa Joe” Yakavetta. Somewhat accidentally, the McManus brothers stumble into the Yakavetta line of fire by intercepting a shit-ton of money involved in a Yakavetta drug deal, aided by the hysterical Rocco, a “Serpico” lookalike and Yakavetta mule with a variety of issues. The brothers put coins over the eyes of their adversaries, an ancient ritual intended to pay the toll for the dead to get across the river Styx.
Eventually, the brothers realize that they can steal from the evil while removing them from the world (they refer to themselves humorously as 7/11), so they establish a vendetta against Boston’s criminal underworld, eventually incorporating Rocco into their exploits. Rocco gets off to an auspicious start in overcompensating for his pushover reputation, killing a few Mafioso in a café (including one who looked liked Borat), accidentally murdering his sometimes-girlfriend’s cat, fondling an unconscious stripper (to which he says, “I’ll tip her!”) and shooting up a strip joint.
Driven by the credo “Evil man. Dead man.”, the trio’s efforts to exterminate as many pieces of shit in Beantown as possible forces the Yakavetta family to bring an animal out of retirement. “Il Duce” is painted as a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Kaiser Soze, a caged and imprisoned weapon to be used only as a last resort. He’s played by the always-underrated Billy Connolly, and after his pardon is bought, he goes after the threesome with an unstoppable, demonic pursuit. The epic moment of the movie comes when Il Duce tracks down the brothers and Rocco, and what ensues is a slow-motion, hellacious gunfight set to classical music in a really neat scene.
Smecker keeps stumbling across and investigating gorier and gorier scenes, and his inability to track down the culprits leads to something resembling a mental breakdown. He envisions a reenactment of the gunfight in another tremendous effect that depicts him walking through the flashbacks as bullets, blood and body parts fly all around him. The haunted Smecker gets his big break when he finds Rocco’s finger (somewhat predictably) lying in a bush. When the trio realize that Smecker will eventually find out who they are, some in-fighting ensues, although they team back up to fix their wounds with an iron, in a rather disturbing and pain-inducing scene.
Also somewhat predictably, Rocco goes over the edge during an intense confrontation with a priest inside a confessional booth. When the Yakavetta family eventually catches the three, Rocco meets an untimely end, marked by his final words of “Don’t ever stop.” The McManus brothers gain a couple of unlikely partners when Smecker enables them and Il Duce joins their cause as well. Again, in a rather unclear scene, the audience is asked to make the supposition that Il Duce is, in fact, the brothers’ father. In the next-to-last scene, the brothers and their father execute “Papa Joe” in a courtroom, gaining access thanks to the help of the police and Feds.
The credits run to a pretty cool documentary-type treatment of Boston citizens (even though the flick is filmed in Canada) reacting to the question of whether “The Saints” (they are never referred to as “The Boondock Saints” in the movie) are good or evil, asked by a reporter played by the girl who plays Holly on “The Office.” We listen in as Bostonians pontificate on whether killing is ever justified, whether the McManus trio are purely murderers or whether they are actually doing a service in protecting the city and its people from the harshest criminals.
It’s an intriguing movie, buoyed by some cool scenes, a unique premise and an aggressive soundtrack. However, the promise delivered in the first half of the flick disappears in the latter half, as the film devolves into a shoot-‘em-up. Sure, there is lots of blood and some timely one-liners, but the philosophical bent and discussion of morality offered up in the beginning are quickly forgotten at the end. Among other holes, are we really led to believe that the brothers just worked in a slaughterhouse and moped around up until their revelation? Is it not strange that they fell into their mission as evil exterminators accidentally? Failing the authenticity of his name, Flanery is simply not believable in his role as a badass; he’s just too dainty to pull it off. Also, there should simply be zero confusion as to major plot points such as God telling a couple of layabouts to start killing criminals, the references to the mother and Kitty Genovese, and whether or not Il Duce was father to the McManus brothers.
All told, it was an interesting, cool movie and well worth watching, but it fell far short of most of the elements that turn a forgotten flick into a cult classic. But it may be too late to stop the momentum; apparently, the sequel, “Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day,” has already been filmed. I didn’t quite get what all the hubbub was about, but apparently more blood is on the way.
Oh well. Maybe it’ll at least have some awesome-like tattoos in it.
Every week, lots packed into a single hour Jack perseveres with his superhuman power The one thing I can say about "24" Is this show is surely never a bore Now even better with the return of Kimmy Bauer
Angel Cabrera finally delivered the goods He and K.P. might as well have been playing under hoods CBS ignored the best performers at the Masters Jim Nance fell in love with Lefty even fasters Tired of the media hating others to chase Tiger Woods
They robbed a cookie-selling 9-year-old Girl Scout When they had to return the money, they proceeded to pout This story of the dumbest girls ever made me loller They make Miss South Carolina look like a scholar The crumbling of our society makes me want to shout
It's the return of basketball's very own Teflon Man Once faked an ankle injury in the NBA, was never a fan Then he proceeded to harass as a coach with no quibble And reduced the once-proud Knicks to bits of kibble The hoops world should have given him a lifetime ban
From starting to the bench was the path of his career To allegations that he and Christian Laettner were queer This is the tale of the untalented Mr. Paulus Whose soccer-like flopping skills used to appall us Could it be that he'll play football for Dick-Rod and his sneer? Miles is capable of talking to a dead soul His dad, Marvin Candle, is a big-time a-hole Hurley's writing Empire Strikes Back He looks a bit like Chewie, that's a fact Sawyer had to knock out a potential mole
The only thing I remembered about "Premonition" before seeing it was that it had one of the best movie posters I'd ever seen and a forgettable trailer. But I'm a sucker for thrillers, so when I saw it was on cable the other evening, I forced myself to sit down and check it out.
Starring Sandra Bullock and one of the dudes from "Nip/Tuck", this flick started out by examining this pair's descent from a glowing, newly engaged couple (even the names, Jim and Linda, are a cliché) into a family with a couple of kids, waging separate battles against mind-numbing domesticity. But merely 10 minutes in, Linda receives a strange voice-mail message from her husband, then a visit from a cop telling her her husband has just been killed in a car accident, which understandable jars her into a near-catatonic numbness.
Ten minutes after that in the flick, Linda awakens to her husband having mysteriously reappeared. We quickly are submerged into a series of questions about whether she is having a dream or whether she is experiencing déjà vu and what has taken place while she has slept and who she has met and who she hasn't. The audience is left to wonder just what is real and what isn't—especially after Linda discovers her oldest daughter on the swingset, her face covered with cuts from an accident that Linda doesn't remember occurring. The youngest daughter sets the tone of the movie by asking her mother, if she wasn't there to see her father die, how do you know he died, then?
Beheadings, electrocutions, shattered glass doors, mirrors covered with towels, a mysterious woman appearing at the funeral, lithium, wine, creepy-ass psychiatrists (played by Peter Stormare, best remembered as Nihilist #1 from "Big Lebowski"), crow symbolism, interventions and forced committals … Linda endures a host of incidents and characters that she can't understand, remember or place. With her sanity running thin, Linda tries to determine chronology and come to a realization of what day she is living and why by creating a calendar that aligns incidents with days of the week. After she discovers that Jim was having an affair, Linda begins to see husband's impending death as a punishment for future adultery and how that would impact the family. "If I let Jim die," she wonders, "is that the same thing as killing him?"
Eventually, with nowhere else to turn, Linda finds her way to church, where she relates her story to Father Kennedy (played by the dude who was Mike Novick in "24"), who tells her that her experiences aren't unusual throughout history, and are usually attributed as "dangers of the faithless." "Nature abhors a vacuum," he tells her, and these unexplained phenomenon are what fill the void. With this realization, and a joint one by Jim to not go through with his affair, a potential happy ending is set up, with a reconciliation featuring everything but singing angels taking place between Jim and Linda. But then …
BAM!
Something slightly crazy and mostly predictable happens, and we cut back to the priest saying, "Every day we're alive can be a miracle." The ending is nicely filmed, with fitting music, and the slow-motion reveal at the end shows a very unexpected, surprise twist. At its worst, "Premonition" is hard to follow, repetitive, difficult to understand and analyze, and formulaic. On the bright side, however, this flick subtly morphs from a horror/thriller into a love story with a memorable ending; I consider this "bright" because it's interesting and unique, which is what passes for welcome these days in the world of cinema.
The older you get, the more cynicism sets in, the more jaded you become, the more you realize how much in this life is dictated by perspective. The winds of change shift, opinions ebb and flow, and sentiment grows or diminishes, all largely based on the subjective way that individuals shaped by different experiences perceive the same emotions and circumstances. The movie "Vantage Point" capitalized on this truism by capturing how many sets of eyes can offer disparate points of view on how a single event can be judged.
Director Pete Travis uses Salamanca, Spain, as his stage, painting it as the backdrop for a terrorism summit that draws 150 world leaders. Aging stars Sigourney Weaver (as a frantic television producer) and Dennis Quaid (looking particularly ancient, beat-down and world-weary as a Secret Service agent haunted by a past assassination attempt) are supplemented by a surprise appearance by Jack from "Lost" — unfortunately, he did not bring Kate along.
Without giving too much away, basically the President is shot … or is he? And it was an Arab terrorist behind it all … or was it? And it's going to cause a war on Morocco … or is it? Five different flashbacks, each 23 minutes in length, provide differing views of the assassination, from five very distinct perspectives from five very different people driven by very different motives.
In one flashback, a sketchy-looking Spaniard refers to himself as a member of the mayor's security detail, then basically proves to be the Spanish Jack Bauer by trying to set a world record for number of times a person can get hit by a car and continue running. In another, Forest Whitaker (in pretty much a throwaway role for such an incredible actor) covers the shooting from his personal videocamera, and moments later, we're shown the point of view from the President (a holy-crap-is-he-still-around? William Hurt) himself.
The final flashback covers the last hour or so of the movie, somewhat predictably revealing an intricate plot that we had to wait a long time to begin the process of understanding. Marked by a memorable quote — "That's the beauty of American arrogance: They cannot imagine a world where they are not a step ahead" — the scheme unfolds in front of our very eyes, leading up to a memorable-yet-slightly-cheesy conclusion. Along the way, however, we're treated to an awesome little chase scene and we also learn that, sometimes, rifles can basically be controlled by iTouch from hundreds of yards away.
As with so many movies, the ending detracts from the overall power of the movie, but to be fair, this movie, using these techniques, was a difficult one to end. So some of the momentum is last at the end, but "Vantage Point" still accomplishes the task of being a very intriguing, different flick — which is an ever-so-rare and to-be-treasured commodity in Wholly Homogenized Hollywood.
A season premier numbering hours of four So much action an ADDer wouldn't think it a bore A terrorist has control over the U.S. A government dealing with a conspiracy mess No, it's not "Groundhog Day," it's "24"
The Ravens let other teams fall on their sword So many thugs and convicts, you say, "Dear lord" The Cards left Delhomme with nothing to do but cry The Iggles keep advancing, thanks to that choker Eli The Steelers are so complete they almost make you bored
Last place in the ACC and still ranked five The undefeated season has taken a nosedive A team full of me-first prima donnas Get pedicures and hang out in saunas They've gone off the tracks like a car Phil Ford might drive
The Triangle to get nailed by an arctic blast Temps under 30, who knows how long it will last It's about time that it feels like winter around here Water and milk will be gone thanks to widespread fear If you share the road with terrified drivers, best to go fast Against all odds, finally a role-model Seminole Much to learn from the story of one Myron Rolle He's decided to attend Oxford as a Rhodes scholar Instead of chasing the NFL's almighty dollar Not even Bobby Bowden could turn him into an asshole
A team strong of body, but with a mind weak After 11 straight ACC losses, just a win they seek The freshmen at least play like they care The upperclassmen don't give Elon a scare Sorry, Javy, but like a bad burrito, you reek
Even though “24” is currently specializing in shark-jumping and it’s lead character is constantly getting crooked in new and creative ways, the show was once somewhat cutting-edge. Now, a new wave of interns will look to take what they learn at “24” and apply it to the real world …
Small-fry superspy Kiefer Sutherland celebrated the 40th anniversary release of “Lost Boys” on DVD by racking up his second DUI in the span of three years the other night. Reports indicate that Sutherland was stopped for an illegal U-turn following a cast party in Hollywood, then proceeded to blow more than twice the legal blood-alcohol limit of 0.08. Not even President Wayne “I swear to god I’m not Gary Payton” Palmer could lower Keifer’s $25,000 bail.
Described as “cooperative and mellow” – who wouldn’t be mellow after hanging out at a Hollywood jail for four hours after “24” beers? – Sutherland was released and will face the judge on October 16. If convicted, he is supposed to face mandatory jail time of at least five days in jail … but hey, we know how quirky the L.A. “justice” (just ask "Odd Justice" Simpson) system can be.
After seeing pictures of Sutherland passed out in the lobby of a hotel a couple years back, it sounds like good ol’ Jack Bauer needs to be spending a little less time driving helicopters upside-down with one arm while wrestling an alligator with the other – and a little more time reconvening with the Rat Pack in A.A.
After the end of yet another far-fetched season of “24,” the show took on a melancholy, overly dramatic tone, with a reeling Jack Bauer gazing numbly off a cliff at the ocean before the fade. Was he contemplating suicide after losing killing his father and losing yet another love interest? Was he wondering if Audrey’s father was dead on when he said that everyone that Jack touches is either killed or ruined? Was he thinking about doing a triple-lindy off the cliff, sticking the landing on the top of a wave and walking across the ocean to stop a volcanic eruption near Iwo Jima?
Early on this season, the show began hitting new levels of ridiculousness, seemingly in an attempt to differentiate this “day” from all the others. The season settled into an entertaining, if familiar, plot, throwing viewers a bone by digging a little deeper into Jack’s upbringing and the odd family dynamics that have edged him closer to monster than human. After all, we’re talking about a man who had to kill a friend, torture his brother, come on to his sister-in-law and assist in the murder of his father in the span of a single day … paging Dr. Freud?
The two-hour finale was somewhat predictable, with the occasional spectacular special effect thrown in. There were also some unintentional-comedy scenes interspersed with the tension, such as Jack and his father sharing a Darth Vader-Luke Skywalker moment, where they both are jolted by the arrival of a furrowed brow and stare off into the distance, in the direction of one another. The consternated looks and abrupt gazes harken back to when Luke and his father felt each other’s minds in Empire Strikes Back. In another scene, Jack is swimming back to shore after leaping off a helicopter’s ladder when he is crushed by a wave near the shore. Here’s a guy who is a cold-blooded assassin, sharpshooter, top-notch communications expert, international politics expert, accomplished linguist, heartbreaker, pilot of 20 different kinds of vehicles … it’s good to know that he has one minor flaw – he can’t bodysurf worth a shit. Similarly to “Lost,” “24” occasionally suffers from an overabundance of relevant characters, though it does a fairly good job of killing them off at times. In this season, we were often left to wonder what happened to Gary Payton look-alike and President Wayne Palmer after he suffered another brain seizure; what took place with the previous President after he was stabbed in the neck by his crazy ex-First Lady; what the story was with Audrey, who was only cursorily addressed in the season’s final moments; and where the crikey hottie daughter Kim was all day long?
There were a few storylines that were seemingly unearthed to possibly set up and lead into next season, such as Chloe’s pregnancy, the strange appearance and disappearance of Milo’s brother, and Jack’s impending crossroads decision. Is it possible that the Chloe and Milo’s brother backstories are related? How did Chloe seemingly know him so well? Who is really her baby daddy – her ex-husband (how did Chloe get married and divorced so quickly)? Milo’s brother? Jack? Lisping Edgar? The Russian premiere? And what about Jack’s nephew-son? Are they setting him up to be the heir apparent to Jack after he had the stones to shoot his grandfather? How big of a variable will he be in the next season?
The question for “24” legitimately becomes, “How can we possibly fill two more seasons of a show that is losing viewers faster than panties disappearing in a Brit-pari-dsay limo?” And further, “How can we make the show original enough again to placate our faithful viewers while expanding the audience base to include newcomers?” I mean, Jack defies so many orders that he’s to the point where he aims his gun at colleagues and coworkers more often than at the enemy … how many times is this going to be deemed “just Jack being Jack”? In addition, is Bill Buchanan really going to get a free pass after assaulting two CTU agents, stealing a helicopter and attacking an enemy against Presidential order – AFTER he’d already been fired?! The lack of accountability was seemingly justified in previous seasons, but the screw-the-bureaucracy mentality on this day was taken to new, defiant, anarchistic levels. How many times can these people go “off the reservation” before they wake up scalped and drunk in an Indian casino? The finale appeared to suggest that Jack was ready to take stock of his life and consider a stark departure from what had led him, literally and figuratively, to the edge of the cliff. Yet it felt like a scene we had seen before – like at the end of just about every other season of “24.” In that respect, the ending didn’t make a whale of a lot of sense, but the show has been creeping in that direction for a couple of years now. It seemed to be a fresher, more creative series when it was on a year-to-year leash, but with the announced extension through 2009, it certainly seemed to lose a lot of steam this season in particular.
At the end, Jack, in a rare moment of sarcasm, tells Audrey’s father that he’s “pretty good” at killing and disappearing. But as a producer of the show itself, he’ll have to be pretty good at making a leopard change its spots in order to make “24” relevant again.
Has “24” jumped the shark? That’s the question facing viewers this season. Keep in mind that these are viewers who accepted a treasonous president (cough, cough), two black Commanders-in-Chief, Elisha Cuthbert with a haircut that made her look like Debbie Harry, and more outlandish plot twists and near-misses than an episode of “Survivor: Morrisville.” So to make one of these people say, “Wait a second, that’s not believable” is something not to be taken lightly.
Already this season, Jack Bauer was traded from China to the United States for the rights to the location of a suspected terrorist and second baseman Kaz Matsui; was tortured for 20 minutes, but still mustered enough strength to chew a man’s neck off (apparently channeling his role from “Lost Boys”), tear off his bonds, uproot a floor grate and crawl away, all in the span of an ill-timed phone call; scaled a house in time to pull off the door of a helicopter and save the pilot before the ‘copter crashed to the ground; spit in the face of a nuclear blast and lived to laugh about it; shot his friend in the neck in order to keep a promise to a terrorist; gave bedroom eyes to his brother’s wife; and then bitch-slapped said brother in his own home.
I know Kiefer Sutherland just signed a three-year extension, so we know he’s not exactly going to get “disappeared” for a while. However, the writers have turned him into some sort of superhero … in the last few years, the guy has singlehandedly kicked a heroin habit without the benefit of a raincoat or a bucket, watched his wife die, forced his daughter to hate him, gone through three disturbing courtships, been left at the altar by Julia Roberts (OK, I'm not positive about this, but I missed a couple of episodes), been tortured in a Chinese prison for months, killed a couple of his best friends, saved the world like nine times, served as a presidential bodyguard on the side and killed more people than Pol Pot. Those things can make for a full day, especially considering he has done that without ever having to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom in the middle of a national security meeting (a.k.a., "pull a Chewie").
Can the brains behind “24” actually keep these scenarios up for three more years without treading over old ground or crossing the border into complete ridiculousness? How many terrorist cells, nuclear strikes and stolen missiles can the audience accept before they’re like, “Maybe they should stop electing this connected line of Presidents and send Jack Bauer to Pakistan to take the war to them”? How many disturbingly long, lingering shots of Chloe wrinkling her forehead in worry can they endure? How many CTU employees have to die before they expect prospective workers to be like, “Well, the compensation is good and the benefits package is great, but like 86% of the people that work here eventually die, so I don’t know …”? How many spies can make it to the upper levels of the U.S. administration before viewers become a tad suspicious? And how come, considering all of this, I can’t stop watching? So give ‘em hell, Jack. I’m waiting for the perfect storm to come together to create the perfect episode: Bauer rips his brother’s leg off, beats his father to death with it, impregnates his brother’s wife, delivers his son/nephew, grinds a terrorist to death in a Slurpee machine, forcefeeds the Slurpee to another terrorist to give him brain-freeze, jumpstarts an aircraft carrier, stages a one-man attack on China for revenge and then beats the absolute christ out of MacGyver for no apparent reason other than that he can and he by-god feels like it.
You are a living tall tale, Jack Bauer – you are the real Bill Brasky.
“So anyway, Bauer would put on a white tie and tails and walk his cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra Beverly, and he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Brasky had to shoot the maid.”
