Best Of ... Limerick Friday!

You know how sitcoms have crappy reruns during the holidays or when major sporting events are going on? You know how writers of shows like “Lost” get bored and just have a “recap show,” splicing together “season highlights”? Since there will be no Limerick Friday this week, I went back and put together a “Best of” compilation for your amusement. I included limericks from all our faithful readers. There were actually some funny ones that “Anonymous” had posted, but he/she seems like sort of a buttnugget, so I didn’t include those.

I also had an honorable-mention category for limericks that sort of like, well, sucked. Kind of like the handicapped kid getting a blue ribbon since he couldn’t compete in the three-legged race. The limericks aren’t ranked in any particular order, for no good reason – except I didn’t feel like it. I also didn’t edit these or put them in correct grammatical context, frankly because some of you are beyond help. I swear Borat has a better handle on the English language than some of you degenerates.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. As Michael Richards would say …

“Up here … I’m already gone.”

What?

What did you think I was going to say?

Without further ado, here are the top 15 limericks of the season. Happy holidays!

TOP 15
Once there lived a monster with no neck
He was dumb, loud and obnoxious as heck
His favorite big word was literally
He led in a way referred to as pitifully
Now he’ll have to sell knishes off Hooters’ deck

haha no dating tips from me
or maybe let me see…
will stop being such a schmuck
Paul so serious? What the f$#k?
stop trying so hard and just be

Zhao took a break from googling "guy's butts"
And searching MySpace for sluts
To make rude comments about my sister
I gave her a call and have sad news mister
She said she's not into guys with hairless nuts

Pondering a life without BizFlow,
There’s a hole in my heart, don’t you know
I’m sure it cost several mil
But it made sense to no one but Bill
A Speak ‘N’ Spell woulda been a better way to go

2 desks covered in glamour shots
2 men's wives for none had the hots
One dweeb watched the Tide through this glasses
The other excelled in kissing people's asses
No one else would touch their bathing suit spots

Creepy as hell and named Green River
He made every last one of us shiver
Dressed up for Halloween as a priest
Introduced himself to Casie 10 times at least
His favorite meal is Chianti, fava beans and liver*

will is full of tension
dood is so old he should collect pension
He needs to get some like Now
so he can layoff Mr. Brandow
Or maybe Will just likes the attention

There once was a writer named Dave
Who toiled away like a slave
He had a hack boss named Jack
Who sputtered and twitched like on crack
Porn, his life it does save

Like Nicholson in “The Shining”
His manic depression was quite binding
Looked like a worn Fred Flinstone
He tried to dig up dirt alone
Then got offended at what he was finding

A no-neck lying cult leader
Like Jim Jones except a little creepier
Pretended to fight for the rest
A Bulls game made them say, "He's the best!"
Now he sneaks away while the boat gets leakier

somenone is jealous you keeping getting bigger
while your wife's the real bread winner
you kickback sunkists
and blame xbox for limp wrists
I think for once you should cook dinner

With WebSourced Paul is in cahoots
Gives bad advice and for Will roots
Employees are hearing the alarm sound
Remember the words of your twin, Short Round
"Indy, Indy -- No more parachutes!"

That hobbit-like dude was pretty nice
Even if he got let go twice
Knocking back O'Mulligan's brews
While he tried to fit lifts in his shoes
Will he try to come back and be fired thrice?

Oh, Casie I really miss the snow
No real winter in Raleigh can really blow
But we do have a great redneck coalition
They’re the same characters you saw with the Gimp in Pulp Fiction
I’m wondering if Brent was Zed’s little leather friend in tow

Farewell to lovely Sy Snootles
We're sure to all miss her oodles
Triangle rock will never be the same
Stockings will go back to being lame
But soon she'll be back home eating Cup o' Noodles


EXTRA CREDIT
[Editor’s Note: This one was not technically a limerick, but it was pretty damn good nonetheless.]

In the span of time
That you'll read this rhyme
You'll understand what ails me
Unfortunate labor that
I no longer faovr
and feel very much like it jails me
when I first signed on
I was sold on a song
And a dance that sounded inviting
Now 12 months have passed
And all I've amassed
Is a a useless title and uncredited writing
What a way to spend a year
Leaving now would shed no tear
Going to work drunk on beer
would be enitrely satisfying
but sitting there in an empty abyss
people have left that are no longer missed
Only makes me feel like crying
as I feel my poor brain dying


HONORABLE MENTION
[Editor’s Note: Basically, these blew or, frankly, just didn’t make any goddam sense.]

Suck it up u bunch of loser dinks
Do u really think just management stinks?
Take yor heads out of asses and breathe
A lack of oxygen is making u seethe
U can cry and moan that “we were screwed”
But look in the mirror – you’re the finks

Confused Brent was feeling quite massage-y
A tight back and neck made him feel somewhat stodgy
Stripping to his boxers by choice was a little gay
But was only uncomfortable when it came time to pay
It was always free when his masseuse was Literace

Gotta Love my Virginia Tech Hokies
Last night they did better than okie-dokie
The Tigers they did spank
Next, we're taking Miami to the bank
Oh how we love to do the Hokie-Pokey!!!

Will has a blog about datin'
He's trying but all those women are hatin'
It's all good cuz you're the man
And you almost got the master plan
Just tell them byches you ain't playin'

Harry Potter is a brown-nosing bitch
About marketing his doesn't know a stitch
He hangs around because he's a shortsighted fool
But say this for that bespectacled tool
That fucker knows his way around some Quidditch

Limerick Friday I (4 comments)
Limerick Friday II (2 comments)
Limerick Friday III (42 comments)
Limerick Friday IV (56 comments)
Limerick Friday V (58 comments)
Limerick Friday VI (37 comments)
Limerick Friday VII (62 comments)