Scooter & Hum’s Best Movies Of 2007!

As we bid adieu to 2007, it’s time to recognize my top five movies of 2007. We’ve already covered the finest books and the best albums in earlier incarnations of “The Scooties,” and now it’s time to rank the most worthy films of the year. I found it harder to delineate these movies in terms of when they were actually released, so I confined my choices to the pictures that I actually saw in the theater at some point during the year.*

And “The Scootie” goes to …

1. "Once"
Link to Scooter & Hum’s Review (July 30)
What I Said Then: “If you’re good with thoughtless, spoon-fed entertainment this summer, you’ll be sure to find a dozen movies that will fill that void for the requisite two hours and 15 minutes. But if you have 85 minutes to spare and a yearning for something moving and original, put “Once” on your list … without even realizing it, your laughing, crying and humming will chase you out of the theater and stick with you for hours.”
What Worked: A complete redefinition of the term “musical.”
What Didn’t: At times, the lack of acting experience—after all, these were musicians acting for the first time—was recognizable.
Why It Ranks Here: It may not technically be the finest film of the bunch, but the fact that it was brave enough to challenge the conventions of an entire genre, and the fact that it came out of nowhere to stun me into an inability to move, land it atop my list.
Trailer:




2. "Children of Men"
Link to Scooter & Hum’s Review (July 20)
What I Said Then: “The picture’s last half an hour is heart-pounding, moving and emotional, and the final 15 border on absolute brilliance. Cuaron succeeds in blurring the lines between today’s transgressions and tomorrow’s bills come due — breathing a landmark film into life in the process.”
What Worked: Re-envisioning an entire society and reinventing an entirely new moral subset was incredibly handled by Cuaron.
What Didn’t: The dark, stark, bleak portrayal could potentially wear on your average movie-goer.
Why It Ranks Here: Because of, basically, a coin flip. Just a stunning picture that didn’t catch me quite as off guard as the No. 1 choice, “Once,” simply because I was somewhat aware of the tale through P.D. James’s groundbreaking book of the same name.
Trailer:




3. "Last King of Scotland"
Link to Scooter & Hum’s Review (May 3)
What I Said Then: “Whitaker’s flawless performance does more than enough to cover up some of the minor flaws inherent in “The Last King of Scotland,” making it easy to understand why it has been lauded as one of the most memorable pictures in recent memory and one of the finest historical portrayals of all-time.”
What Worked: Forest. Freaking. Whitaker.
What Didn’t: Some of the violence seemed a tad gratuitous and one left feeling that part of the entire story hadn’t been told.
Why It Ranks Here: Bad luck, honestly. In any other year, I could have put this movie at No. 1 without a second’s thought. Whitaker’s unbelievable performance wasn’t enough to overcome two films that were more complete and edgy.
Trailer:




4. "Reign Over Me"
Link to Scooter & Hum’s Review (April 2)
What I Said Then: “Whether the Oscar juggernaut is brave enough to recognize Sandler, Cheadle, Binder and “Reign Over Me” and match the courage it took to make this film remains to be seen, so you may have to judge for yourself whether this is a landmark movie or just another take on a tragedy. The truth may lie somewhere closer to the middle, but this is among the more poignant and well-crafted films I have seen of late.”
What Worked: Cheadle is one of the finest actors of his generation, and his presence works well with Sandler’s bravest foray into serious, mature acting.
What Didn’t: Sandler’s character occasionally lapsed into some of his comedic caricatures, making it hard at times to separate the Sandler we know from the one he’s trying to become in this film.
Why It Ranks Here: Again, it had the misfortune of going up against three really, really strong films. But I maintain that this was one of the more underrated and overlooked pictures of the year.
Trailer:




5. "Hurricane On The Bayou"
Link to Scooter & Hum’s Review (January 29)
What I Said Then: “The final version is a moving, visually stunning, educational, thought-provoking, involved, musically sweeping film that touches on one of the many aspects of the hurricane that have gone underreported, or in many cases, even unreported. Environmental destruction can now join the long list of documented failures that led to the hurricane and have stymied recovery efforts as well.”
What Worked: The IMAX format fit perfectly with the subject matter, and like “An Inconvenient Truth” and any Michael Moore film, it educated as it entertained.
What Didn’t: It got limited run and very little marketing, so it just didn’t get out there enough.
Why It Ranks Here: Because it’s a niche picture that doesn’t really fit in any specific genre in a relatively strong year for movies. But it certainly deserved some presence on this list.
Trailer:



Honorable mention: “Idiocracy” was good, but limited; “Thank You For Smoking” left you thinking that there was an opportunity missed, a chance not taken on a directorial level.

* To be perfectly honest and in the spirit of complete candidness, the top three are nearly interchangeable for me. They're all stunning in their own way, and the ranking of the trio would probably be different if you asked me on different days.

Horseshoes, Hand Grenades, Fantasy Football ...

All told, I raked in $400+ from finishing runner-up in the Wolfpack Fantasy Football League this year, so I can’t be too upset. But after boasting the league’s top record, earning a first-round bye and losing the two-week championship match by just seven goddam points (221-214), forgive me if I’m a little torqued off.

Of course, my opponent became the first back-to-back winner of our 14-team, 11-year-old league, making a miraculous run down the stretch. When you’re seeing guys named Aaron Stecker, Earnest Graham and Mason Crosby racking up 30 points for his team, you would think he had god on his side. When you consider that his father passed away during the year and he sent out a great mass e-mail to the league thanking us for sending flowers to the funeral, saying what a welcome distraction fantasy football was for him this season and noting that it was an honor to be part of such a tremendous league, just maybe god was. I can’t say for sure, but all I knew was that, karmically speaking, I had no shot in hell when I read the mass e-mail on the eve of our two-week championship matchup.

To my team’s credit, I was down 34 points after the first week of the title stretch, and I made up 25 of those points heading into Monday night’s game that featured the Chargers vs. the Broncos. With all his players having already played, I had Antonio Gates going with a nine-point deficit to make up. Something as little as a short touchdown grab and 40 yards receiving and I’m the champ. So when I checked the score at halftime and saw San Diego was up 16-0, I felt confident that Gates’s stats would be in my favor—when I read that he didn’t have a single forking catch to that point, I knew that all was lost. O-u-c-h.

That leads me to the first award for my fantasy football team ...

Jim Kelly Annual Choker of the Year: Antonio Gates
The top tight end in all of football, Gates put together another strong year, if a little more uneven than in years past. He was more prone to a two-touchdown, 10-catch game, followed by a three-catch, 28-yard performance. In crunch time, however, Gates was nowhere to be found for The Scooters; during the two-week championship matchup, he tallied a grand total of two receptions for 32 yards, with no scores. When he had a chance to bring home the trophy for The Scooters, he simply and utterly shit the bed with no drawers on.

Rocky Bleier Comeback Player of the Year: Stephen Jackson
He sunk many teams by missing four complete games and half of another with a severe groin injury early in the year (hence The Scooters’ decision to spend $43 on someone named Brian Leonard). However, he rewarded those who stuck with him, putting up steady numbers for a really bad team, with the occasional enormous contest. You would have liked to have seen more touchdowns from S-Jax, but he cemented his reputation as the hardest-running tailback in the league.

Darrell Jackson Honorary Clutch Player of the Year: Ben Roethlisberger
He was a middle-round pickup in just about every league, including mine. I chose him a little earlier than I normally would a second signal-caller, simply because I had to hedge my bets with Matt Leinart (I can’t believe I just typed that). Leinart quickly was hurt for the year, leaving The Scooters to hitch their wagon to Big Ben. He rewarded the shrewd pick with a tremendous 32 touchdowns. He cooled down some late in the year, but he kept The Scooters’ pulse alive with six touchdown tosses during the two-week title matchup.

Mike Tyson Memorial Manic-Depressive Player of the Year: Marion Barber III
He got off to a blazing start, but you never knew whether to count on him for 60 total yards or a three-touchdown explosion. Tony Romo occasionally forgot about Barber out of the backfield, and those were invariably the games that the Cowboys lost. I will never understand the decision to rotate Barber with the pedestrian Julius Jones every other series, but I blame that on Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips. When given ample opportunities, Barber nearly always lived up to his nickname of “Marion the Barbarian.” And when teamed with Jackson, those two gave me the hardest-running duo possible in fantasy football.

Honorary John Avery Bust/Bitch of the Year: Santana Moss
I wasn’t expecting 2005 numbers (nearly 1,500 yards, 10 TDs), but something more than 700 yards and two scores would have been nice. He revealed himself to be the inconsistent, injury-prone bitch many thought was who he truly was, and when Jason Campbell was upright and healthy, he almost never looked Moss’s way. To make matters worse, he would invariably have a decent game when breakout wideout Roddy White of the Falcons wouldn’t, making it nearly impossible to choose the right option from week to week.

Most Consistent Player, Sponsored By IRS: Larry Fitzgerald
Even with a painful groin injury, Fitz gutted out some solid performances down the stretch. He let me down somewhat during the championship games, reeling in just eight catches for 99 yards and a score, but he was super-consistent all year long and was a workhorse for a horrible team. Eight scores isn’t exactly what you need and the presence of Anquan Boldin hurts Fitzgerald’s numbers each and every year, but you could almost always count on 10+ points from Fitz week in and week out.

Honorary Ryan Leaf Worst Draft Pick: Santana Moss
Looking back, taking Moss at the top of the fifth round was a risky selection that didn’t pay off. Using my keeper option on Matt Leinart for the price of a sixth-round pick also looks very Nick Saban-like as well.

Dan Marino Annual Best Draft Pick: Roddy White
How about 1,180 yards, 78 receptions and five scores for a 14th round selection in a 14-team draft? Roddy White. ‘Nuff said. Landing Roethlisberger in the 10th, Edwards in the seventh and the Packers in the 11th round also deserve mention.

Jim Jensen Unsung Player: Green Bay Defense/Special Teams
The defensive scoring rules in our league are a bit controversial, but I couldn’t ask for too much more than what Green Bay gave me this year. I could usually pencil them in for 20 points per week, and that was more than good for me.

Eugene Robinson Solicitation’s Lesson Learned Player(s): Phil Dawson
There are a few different theories out there concerning kickers in fantasy football, and I have almost always subscribed to the one that says you use your 17th- and 18th-round selections in an 18-round draft on your kickers. This year, that landed me guys named Olindo and Remy ... and before you ask, no, those aren’t members of a Eurotrash boy band. Dawson was a decent pickup, but he gave me just 14 points in the all-important two-week championship matchup—as opposed to 28 points from my opponents’ kicker. Once again, against all odds, a kicker decided a fantasy football title; methinks I’ll give this position a little more attention in 2008.

Brian Urlacher Team MVP: Braylon Edwards
If you subscribe to the third-year-wideout-breakout theory, Edwards is your posterboy. He caught 32 and 61 passes in each of his first two years, and I took a chance that he would improve on those stats in 2007. Of course, I didn’t count on Derek Anderson becoming a TD-tossing machine and the Browns developing into a legitimate powerhouse offense, but Edwards will end this season with 80 receptions for 1,300 yards and 15+ scores. Huge year for Edwards, who is trying his best to end the curse of Michigan wide receiving busts.

Even though this is about the third year I've had the best team in the league and haven't won the championship, that's the way the fantasy cookie crumbles. Luck plays a huge part, whether we like it or not ... but that's one of the reasons we all keep coming back. I do have one championship on my resume, and I look forward to the chance to add to that total in the future.

Congrats go to Soup ... you deserved it, my friend. See you next year!

Limerick Friday LXVI: From Tight End To Wide Receiver: The UNC Football Story

They finished the season with a collective limp
But they hailed Butch as A-No. 1 pimp
UNC is fruiter than a Christmas cake bakin’
All Tar Heels completely love Clay Aiken
But now their football players dress up like the gimp?

The Big Tuna takes over the Dolphins for a bit
A more-than-curious move, from where I sit
He’s 66 and fatter than Santa Claus
Complete asshole and that gives me pause
But what the hay—nothing else is working worth a shit

The Wolverines searched for a new coach far and wide
As their athletic director waited for high tide
Ponied up a boatload of cash to steal a West Virginian hillbilly
All their talk about class just winds up sounding silly
Bo Schembechler just rolled over in his grave and cried

16-year-old preggers pop tart with no baby daddy
Will she end up like Britney, just another fatty?
Jamie Lynn received a $500 gift basket
As Mama Spears nearly blew a gasket
Time to pack up the trailer and move to Cincinnati

The time of year when people fight over a doll
And bagels are off limits, even at the mall
Airing of grievances may make you weepy
The feats of strength can be a little creepy
But still and yet, I wish a merry Festivus to one and all

Last time ...

Scooter & Hum’s Top Five Albums Of The Year

In saying goodbye to 2007, I took a look at some of my favorite books of the year last week. In this week’s version of "The Scooties", I thought I’d run down some of the albums that had me cabbage-patching through the seasons. Enjoy …

And the "Scootie" goes to …

1. Arcade Fire “Neon Bible”
Release Date: March 6, 2007
Best Songs: “Keep The Car Running”, “(Antichrist Television Blues)”
Rolling Stone rating: 3.5 stars
Rolling Stone review link and quote: “Like almost everything on Neon Bible, the follow-up to Arcade Fire's 2004 full-length debut, Funeral, "No Cars Go" is excess with a point: We are drowning in the unspeakable and running out of air and fight. If only everything else on Neon Bible made that point with the same dynamic overkill.”—David Fricke
Thoughts: Think Springsteen meets old-school U2 meets Radiohead. “Neon Bible” has been derided in some quarters as being more studio-smooth and not as raw as the debut “Funeral,” but I believe both pieces can be appreciated on their own merits, without comparison. The near-frantic “Keep The Car Running” will forever be the song that always makes me think of 2007.



2. The Shins “Wincing the Night Away”
Release Date: January 23, 2007
Best Songs: “Sleeping Lessons”, “Phantom Limb”
Rolling Stone rating: 3.5 stars
Rolling Stone review link and quote: “The melodies are very nearly on a par with the curlicues and knockout drops of the band's breakthrough, and [James] Mercer is still singing so lithe and refined you'd think Ray Charles had never existed.”—Robert Christgau
Thoughts: Most people know that the Shins were vaulted into mainstream recognition thanks to Natalie Portman, who claimed that the band would “change your life” in the Zach Braff movie “Garden State.” That led many who would otherwise have ignored “Oh, Inverted World” to discover that terrific album. I know I always do whatever Natty Port says; she has a convincing, er, way, about her. “Wincing the Night Away” builds on that success with a little harder edge and some better-considered lyrics. They still are the type of band that feels like you’re listening to something in the background instead of really involved, but that just makes them different, not lacking. And that’s more than OK.



3. White Stripes “Icky Thump”
Release Date: June 19, 2007
Best Songs: “Icky Thump”, “You Don’t Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You’re Told)”, "300 M.P.H. Torrential Outpour Blues"
Rolling Stone rating: 3.5 stars
Rolling Stone review link and quote: “Like his sometime heroes Led Zeppelin, Jack White builds monuments. They're suitable for awestruck visits. But they're no place to settle down.”—Robert Christgau
Thoughts: Dug it. Loudier, noiser, harsher, grungier, meaner. I read that “Icky Thump” was their first song that made the top 20 or something, but while that is a complete turnoff for some hoity-tooty musicophiles, I can look the other way. Jack and Meg always have fun and always include some throwaway songs, but no one generates more sound per band member and they are constantly refining their sound and experimenting. “You Don’t Know What Love Is” veers close to ‘80s hair rock, but the thumping sound of the well-named “Icky Thump” is mesmerizing. You can’t beat a lyric like “White Americans, what? / Nothing better to do? / Why don’t you kick yourself out? / You’re an immigrant, too. / Who’s using you? / What should we do? / Well, you can’t be a pimp, / And a prostitute, too.” Or how about "I'm breakin' my teeth off / Tryin' to bite my lip / There's all kinds of red-headed women / That I ain't supposed to kiss" from "300 M.P.H. Torrential Outpour Blues"? Some wondered whether Jack’s side projects (e.g., the Raconteurs) would adversely affect his White Stripes work, but this album dashes those beliefs toot-sweet. This is one of the few bands left that always have me eagerly anticipating their next work — and never leave me disappointed.



4. "Once" Soundtrack
Release Date: May 22, 2007
Best Songs: “Say It To Me Now”, “When Your Minds Made Up”
Rolling Stone rating: 2.0 stars
Rolling Stone review link and quote: “Thanks to [Glen Hansard’s] soulful wail, cuts like the excellent "Trying to Pull Myself Away" and "Leave" have a solid roots-rock magnetism.”—Kevin O’Donnell
Thoughts: A terrific accompaniment to one of my finest films of 2007 (stay tuned for that list). Not only does the movie leave you wanting to see more, see it again, but it makes you leave the theater wondering, “Where the hell do I get the soundtrack?” Glen Hansard mixes some of his songs from The Frames with some great collaboration with the young, sublimely talented Marketa Irglova. The result is some very emotional, hard-hitting tracks that complement the film well, but can also be thoroughly enjoyed as standalone pieces. Some of the songs miss the mark (inevitably, every soundtrack has a few), but overall, a very strong effort and one of the better soundtracks you’ll ever find.



5. Joss Stone “Introducing Joss Stone”
Release Date: March 20, 2007
Best Songs: "Tell Me ‘Bout It", "Put Your Hands On Me"
Rolling Stone rating: 3.0 stars
Rolling Stone review link and quote: “But for the most part, Stone employs her remarkable instrument with focus and nuance on Introducing, and the result is an album full of solid pop-wise R&B.”—Christian Hoard
Thoughts: Hot. 19 years old. British. What’s not to like? Do you really need to actually listen? I mean, good music would be a bonus, right? In all seriousness, if you were to be locked in a room and played the album without knowing who the singer was, and then someone told you it was a 19-year-old white chick from Britain, you’d probably laugh and say no way. But Stone seizes your attention right off the bat with a shockingly powerful voice that puts the en vogue pop tarts that litter our soundwaves to shame. I’m not as familiar with her previous work, but I’ve read that this album is a departure from her soul roots to more R&B, and that definitely came across. This isn’t the type of music I’d normally like and in a normal year this album wouldn’t make my top five, but it was recommended to me and I found myself digging at least a couple of tracks on the album. I’m not sure I would go out and buy more Joss Stone pieces, but I can certainly appreciate the immense talent and potential that her voice alone offers. Personally, I’d like to see her lean more toward soul and put the hip-hop tinges aside, but this piece is worth the get just to hear the middle portion of “Put Your Hands on Me.”

Honorable mention:
Bob Dylan’s “Modern Times” and the Raconteurs’s “Broken Boy Soldiers” were both released in late 2006, narrowly missing the cut for inclusion in this list. I was expecting a little more from Jack White and the Raconteurs, to be honest, but this was still a funky disc that leaned a little more toward poppy than I prefer. Still worth a listen or five. Dylan’s latest was terrific, and he gets a lot of bonus points for casting Scarlett Johansson in his video for “When the Deal Goes Down.” Need more convincing? See for yourself …

Yukon Cornelius Eats The Peanuts Out Of Santa’s …

“Full Metal Jacket” + “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” + cursing that nearly reaches the level of poetry = big funnies.

Reason #419 Why The Jelly Of The Month Club Blows

Clark W. Griswald + egg nog + Cousin Eddie + screwed over by the boss = quite simply, one of the greatest tirades in the history of cinema. Perhaps the defining moment of Chevy Chase's career:

"Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one ... I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a ...
cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!

"Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?"

And in case you're interested in the preamble, here 'tis. Happy Holidays. Holy shit.

Timmy'Z New X-MAs liST

Dear sAnta Klaus,

All I wanT for Chrismas thIs Yeer is a Greg Caramel-Armadillo jerzee. He wEars nummer 83 and hE scored a TouchDown for MIaMi yesterday. My dAddy alWayS puts a bad worD that starts with the big F letter in front of when he Sez MIaMi. And then sometimes when I fall down On the GrounD and gets dizzy, he will Call me TrenT GREEN. I do’nT no what for shor That Meens. But dAddy also sed ThaT was Our first GodDamm win Of the Yeer, too. So he Was VEry haPPy with BeeR, Than he Went Pee outSide an Than hE thrEw up in FiDo’s doGGy Bowl.

Thanx you for bringin Me A New Jerzee. Also, pleez fire Mr. Cameroon from The SideLine. Becuz he sucks a lot and He looks Like Alf’s dAddy On tHe TV.

Bye,
TiMMy the Dolfin FaN

P.S. Is It reaLLy true ThaT the Patriots aRe cheeters? Becuz MiSS WilkinS at schooL said that we should'NT cheet. An also, Than why come theRe coach LooKs LiKe the homeLess guy Who lives Neer my Bus Stop an is alWayZ aSKing to Give A Wejjie an alWays Saying thAT Henrry KiSSinger sTole HiS DiaPers? If they aRe cheeters, pleez bring TheM jus COAL thIs YeeR.

Limerick Friday LXV: Injecting Some Truth Into Baseball

“A dark day for baseball,” they said
Problems bigger than Barry Bonds’s head
‘Roids were the rage in MLB
A game with no integrity
Used to like baseball, but to me it’s dead

Katrina victims waited and waited for relief
No federal assistance gave them all a legitimate beef
Now dirty FEMA trailers make it hard to breathe
It’s enough to make any sane person seethe
Too much to ask for a trailer without formaldehyde, good grief

Debate season arrives just in time, without fail
Affecting the pecking order on the campaign trail
But Hillary isn’t holding her own
When it’s her turn on the microphone
She looked like a sure thing, but she’d better bust her tail

It’s 75 degrees at Christmas time
Drinking cocoa with an umbrella and a lime
Gotta cut carbon emissions right now
Or the world’s going to be flooded, and how
Sidewalk Santa wearing shorts when I gave him a dime

Coaching searches gone awry from the start
Candidates without a soul or a heart
Michigan can’t give away their job
Petrino looking like a colossal knob
It all makes Mark Mangino want another chocolate Pop Tart

Last time ...

Scooter & Hum’s Top Five Books of the Year

As 2007 winds to a close, I thought I would share some of the works of art -— henceforth to be known as “The Scooties” —- that spoke to me or affected my perspective in some way throughout the course of the year. Along those lines, here are the top five books that I found myself engrossed in this year, making time fly by in bed, on trains and planes, in Cup A Joe, in the atrium here at work, and many other places.* Without further ado, here is Scooter & Hum’s Top Five Books of 2007 … sponsored by Charmin:

And the “Scootie” goes to …


1. “Shutter Island” by Dennis Lehane

From the author of “Mystic River,” Lehane weaves a tale centered on a U.S. Marshall directed to investigate a murder on a mysterious New England island in the 1950s. As he delves deeper and deeper into the setting and the circumstances surrounding the dangerous mental institution he’s investigating, he discovers implications that reach to the highest levels of state government and involve a variety of institutions for the criminally insane. As the ending approaches, the cracks that appear within the lead character and the leads he’s chasing bring you closer and closer -— with an increasingly thumping heart -— to the truth that has seemed so farfetched from the story’s beginning.

It’s another home run for Lehane on the heels of “Mystic River,” and word is that the tale is slated to be released as a movie. It’s in pre-production now and will be out in 2009, directed by the amazing Martin Scorcese. The lead role to be handled by Leonardo DiCaprio, with Mark Ruffalo, Michelle Williams and Ben Kingsley rounding out a strong cast.



2. “On Writing” by Stephen King

The kindest, gentlest textbook on writing you could ever find, complete with examples, background on King and his formation as one of the finest craftsmen of his generation and genre, and samples of the tales that inspired him. I haven’t decided whether King went a little too light on the actual mechanics of writing, but the maxim of the entire art -— “a writer writes” -— is hammered home with authority and proven by the author himself. A true classic, a must-read for any interested in the craft and perhaps the easiest-reading self-help book of all time.

His approach to the creation aspect of penning a tale earned a place on my wall:

“You can approach the act of writing with nervousness, excitement, hopefulness, even despair -— the sense that you can never completely put on the page what’s in your mind and heart.
“You can come to the act with your fists clenched and your eyes narrowed, ready to kick ass and take down names.
“You can come to it because you want a girl to marry you or because you want to change the world.
“Come to it any way but lightly. Let me say it again: you must not come lightly to the blank page.”



3. “Tropic of Capricorn” by Henry Miller

I don’t think I liked it as much as Miller’s searing breakthrough book, “Tropic of Cancer,” but it was a fascinating, ironic look at the class division, evolution of industry and social mores of New York City in the 1920s. It’s a true gift to be able to pick up a book 70 years after it is written and still be able to appreciate the satire, humor and backdrop. It was a touch less controversial than “Tropic of Cancer,” but still forced readers to contemplate the world in a different way and fix their eyes on the seamy underbelly of society that they would prefer to remain averted to.

One of the dozens of memorable lines from the book include:

“My understanding of the meaning of a book is that the book itself disappears from sight, that it is chewed alive, digested and incorporated into the system as flesh and blood, which in turn creates new spirit and reshapes the world.”

So true, Hank. So true.



4. “Lisey’s Story” by Stephen King

I hesitated to include a second King book on such a short list, but I simply couldn’t exclude this memorable tale. Plus, I’m a relatively slow reader, so there’s only so many books I can get through in a year. I have a long list of books that are on my must-read list, but, with a tip of the cap to Herb Sendek, I just have to keep chopping wood and whittle it down.

In my opinion, “Lisey’s Story” is the image of a future imagined by King had he been killed by the van that ran him down in real life in 1999, and how his wife Tabitha may have had to try to deal with the fallout of his death. Morbid, I know, but hell ... this is Stephen King we're talking about, and that is the world he deals in. The book itself revolves around a famous novelist dying, leaving his wife to sort though his life’s work and discover a side of him that she never knew while he was alive. This novel deals a lot with the human psyche and the walls and barriers people erect to deal with the problems, experiences and issues that plague us all; a topic that has threaded itself through much of King’s recent work. It’s a very revealing book with a frantic pace and tone that relates to how time is alternately affected in a possible second world, leaving the reader to feel like they’re reading against the clock at times -— yet leaves you with no desire to have it end.



5. “Beach Music” by Pat Conroy

This was a really long novel, but highly enjoyable. Going strictly by prose, I wouldn’t consider Conroy a particularly memorable writer, but as a story-teller, he has few peers. Unfortunately for me, “Beach Music” read like a bunch of different short stories stuffed into a novel format, with some of the plot appearing to be too coincidental and far-fetched (it could have been alternately titled “The Amazing But True Adventures of Superhero Jack McCall”). Yet the story-telling reels you on in a number of levels, encompassing a wide range of controversial topics, from the Vietnam War to racism to the Holocaust to our legal system to Southern culture to religion.

One line jumped right off the page at me: “I wanted to warn her, to tell her that my love was all fury and sharp edges”; the writer in me wanted more of that, more sentiments that revealed depth of character. Prose, tone and believability are all subject to the personal preferences of individual readers, but you can’t argue with the fact that this a winner in terms of the pure magic involved in captivating a reader with a well-told tale.


*These weren’t books necessarily released in 2007 (obviously). They were merely the best ones that I got around to reading this year. Feel free to let me know if you agree, disagree, have other suggestions or just want to get jiggy with it.

A Very Cajun Christmas ...

Twenty four days before Christmas, in a state in the south,
Les Miles was pissed as he opened his mouth.
"Miles to Michigan," was reported as fact.
To which Miles responded, "Herbie you don't know jack!"

The Tigers had suffered a gut wrenching loss,
At the hands of McFadden and the rest of the hogs.
And Bo in his sweatshirt, and Miles in his Hat.
Were determined to prove they were better than that!

When the Tennessee Vols ran out on the field,
There were ruckus applause from the mentally ill.
Still in the locker room, Les told his team,
"This season ain't over. We still have a dream."

The hurt throwing arm of QB Matt Flynn
Meant Ryan was the man they put their faith in.
Then the fans all heard, what Les said in the Dome.
"I ain't goin' anywhere. I'm happy. I'm Home!"

The fans were still thinking "This might be a trick."
'til someone pointed out "Hey, this guy ain't Nick!"
The Hat took the field for this championship game,
And he brought all his Tigers, and called them by name;

"Now, Hester! Now, Early! Now, Highsmith and Putt!
Let's let 'er rip and shut these guys up!
Take to the field Men! Give it your all!
Then later we'll watch numbers 1 & 2 fall."

The fans still weren't sure as to what team would show,
The Virginia Tech game seemed like so long ago.
But there in the stands, the fans they did cheer,
As Perrilloux played his game of the year.

While out in Ar-Kansas, the hogs claimed the boot,
The tigers were focused on far better loot.
With the game knotted up, Ainge threw a quick out
But Zenon was ready and took six to the house.

He wore an LSU jacket, and a white turtle neck,
The same as he wore when his team beat La Tech.
With the hat on his head, and a childish grin,
Les put his team in the title picture again.

His smile-how it widened! as Pitt won its game!
He cheered Oklahoma, when it did the same.
The stars were aligning, it couldn't be true.
Turns out Miles WAS destined, to play O-S-U.

With a month to prepare and a month to heal up,
We're all pretty sure which team will show up.
He ain't going to Michigan, and we're sure of that.
But Tressel and the Buckeyes should still Fear the Hat.

On December first, he called L-S-U home.
Then set up the Tigers, to play again in the Dome.
It soon will be legend, how Les started that day,
"Can't talk now. . . . I'm busy. . . . [Y'all] hav e a great day."

“I Must Break Casper. If He Dies … He Dies.”

Note to all Dolph Lundgren impersonators: You should never fight anyone named James Thunder. People named James Thunder tend to be, like, real fighters, not much interested in the whole, “Tee hee, I’m Ivan Drago, ha ha.” If your name is Crawford Grimsley, you should be a golfer; under no circumstances should you be standing in a boxing ring across from someone named James Thunder.

I mean. Dude got knocked out so bad he started seeing ghosts. When Grimsley started throwing half-punches at visions of Haley Joel Osment at the 1:10 mark, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Holy crap.


KO With The 1st Punch! - More amazing video clips are a click away

From Genius To Clueless In Only Nine Months? — The SiLo Story

In just his first season as a college coach, Sidney Lowe put one of the most memorable ACC Tournament runs in the history of the event under his belt. Just nine months later, Lowe now has perhaps the most embarrassing back-to-back losses in the long, storied history of NC State basketball on his record.

Despite having 10 days to try to erase a 23-point setback at Michigan State and prepare for a trip to lowly East Carolina, the Pack managed to become the first ACC team the Pirates have ever beaten. Lowe has managed to turn an energetic, closely knit squad into a team that appears to have lost all enjoyment out of playing basketball and looks like they don’t like playing together. Brandon Costner has pouted and sleepwalked through the first quarter of the season. Ben McCauley has been reduced to an uninvolved observer. Courtney Fells has regressed from last year to this instead of improved in his assertiveness and aggressiveness. The squad is missing a consistent perimeter shooter to break up zones, and there appears to be no other offensive idea other than to throw it into constantly double-teamed fab frosh J.J. Hickson. Collective effort has been oddly missing. The rotation has been inconsistent from the first game, with players going from large roles to completely disappearing.

State athletics director Lee Fowler is the only one who looks like he knows what he’s doing in all of this (besides the fact that he still doesn’t understand that he shouldn’t be playing EZU in either football or basketball). He resisted the opportunity to extend Lowe’s contract and provide him with a raise amidst all the hoopla over last year’s dynamic finish and increased interest in Lowe from other quarters. A couple of NBA teams came sniffing around Lowe following last season, fueling speculation that the Pack would have to make a stronger commitment to its coach. Fowler elected to take a wait-and-see approach, preferring to see whether Lowe could follow up a promising start as an underdog with a solid sophomore campaign as a front-runner. With Lowe completely choking and allowing his team to fall apart at the seams, Fowler’s philosophy of caution is looking wiser and wiser.

Sidney Lowe has proven that he can get the most out of very little talent. Now, he has also proven that he can get the least out of a lot of talent. It’s up to him to show that he can now find the balance … or else his stay in Raleigh is going to be much shorter than anybody could have anticipated back in March.

Limerick Friday LXIV: Laugh, Cry And Think

It seems the athletics director at EZU is a cheat
Not exactly surprising enough to knock you off your feet
His 40-year-old son getting illegally paid
At EZU he was at the top of his grade
Those in-bred Pirates just never skip a beat

The referees had an important plan to employ
They included referring to Ravens players as “boy”
Making shady calls time after time
When Belichick tried to give them a dime
They said, “No thanks, but watching Brady shower would be a joy”

A teen opens fire at an Omaha mall
Injuring many and killing nine in all
Now we are left to grieve and try to understand
Because you were fired from McDonald’s PlayLand?
This Christmas, my heart is in Nebraska with those who did fall

An unexpected guest named O.J.
Showed up at a funeral one day
To pay home to fallen Sean Taylor?
To escape the clutches of his jailor?
Instead, he said, “I need my machete back, what do you say?”

66 years ago today, the world changed forever
The attack on Pearl Harbor started our World War II endeavor
I once looked upon that memorial in the breeze
Thought of all the lives lost underneath those solemn seas
We can’t forget the sacrifices they made ... not ever

Last time ...

Yassir, Hu Doesn't Like Kofi Every Now And Again

The scary part is I believe this conversation actually happened and was only discovered because W accidentally wire-tapped himself ...


Funny President Bush And Rice - The funniest videos are a click away

Auburn Cheap Shot Helped Lead To BCS Headaches

Little could BCS voters and decision-makers have known that an incident that flew below most radars in mid-October could contribute to the avalanche of criticism and angst that would come their way roughly six weeks later.

In one of the most underreported plays of the entire season, Auburn offensive linemen Chaz Ramsey and Lee Ziemba combined to illegally chop-block LSU star defensive tackle Glenn Dorsey, as seen below:



LSU would go on to win the October 20 home game vs. then-18th-ranked Auburn, 30-24, but the cheap shot would severely hamper Dorsey’s play and lead to further injuries for LSU’s emotional leader.

Amazingly, no flag was thrown on the play, but Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville admitted that the play should have been whistled as an illegal chop block on his team. LSU coach Les Miles considered it an "immoral play" and called the SEC offices to ask why no punishment was forthcoming for the conference, but was basically told that since the penalty was not called on the field, it would be up to Tuberville to discipline his players. Shockingly (and by “shockingly,” I mean, “not shockingly at all”), Tuberville elected not to punish or even reprimand either player, though he did publicly apologize, which was eventually accepted by an exasperated Miles. To be fair, Tuberville was busy angling for a contract extension and/or inquiring about possible openings at other SEC schools.

When asked about the chop block in his first interview following the incident, Ramsey, the right guard, said, “I don’t want to worry about it.” Yeah, I bet you don’t; cheap shots are most palatable when swept under the rug. Ramsey went on to say that labeling the play a chop block “messes with my head and gets me mad.” Really? I have a solution: Don’t take cheap shots. That way, you don’t jeopardize the career of a consensus top-five NFL draft pick and your head doesn’t hurt. That’s called a win-win … as opposed to the loss-loss that Auburn suffered.

Ziemba, the tackle on the play, waxed even more poetic: “It’s not the way we intended it to be; it’s just the way it happened. Football’s a hard game. Things like that happen all the time.” Football is a hard game, agreed; something tells me that “things like that” will happen “all the time” soon—like September 20, 2008, when LSU journeys to Auburn to face you.

With Dorsey sidelined or playing at half-speed with a bum knee and a bad back that resulted from compensating for the injury, the LSU defense was pushed around during the final five games of the campaign. Consider that the Tigers gave up just 14.1 points in the seven games prior to the Auburn contest; after the cheap shot, with Dorsey hobbled, LSU gave up 26 points in the final six games—and even that stat is skewed since it includes allowing just 10 points to lowly Louisiana Tech. The unit lacked the fire and intensity it drew from Dorsey down the stretch, which helped lead to some lackluster performances that culminated in giving up 50 points in a triple-overtime setback to Arkansas.

While it’s unfair to say that LSU would have beaten the Razorbacks with a healthy Dorsey, it is fair to open the point up to discussion. The loss to Arkansas threw open the race for the BCS title game and contributed to the havoc that surrounded the final weekend and the controversial bowl selections. Fortunately, the cheap shot didn’t completely ruin LSU’s chances, and Dorsey could be back to closer to full strength for the championship matchup against Ohio State. But hopefully the SEC will consider harsher sanctions against such plays in the future—instead of leaving it up to the teams to levy retaliation in future meetings.

Votes Show That BCS Now Stands For Bob “Cheater” Stoops

In the spirit of accountability, the voting results of the final USA Today Coaches Poll are made public. This decision to open the voting up to dissection and assessment is aimed toward putting coaches in the spotlight for voting their teams unfairly high or voting other teams unfairly low. Based on the last Coaches Poll of the season, the BCS should now stand for Bob “Cheater” Stoops.

Just so we have our bases covered, here are the 10 BCS teams and their bowl matchups:

Rose Bowl: USC vs. Illinois
Sugar Bowl: Georgia vs. Hawaii
Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Kansas
BCS Title Game: LSU vs. Ohio State

And here are the final results of the Coaches Poll:

1. Ohio State
2. LSU
3. Oklahoma
4. Georgia
5. VT
6. USC
7. Missouri
8. Kansas
9. West Virginia
10. Hawai’i

Predictably, there were a number of strange items that jumped out at me: Six of the 60 coaches who voted put Ohio State at #3 or lower; seven Big 10 coaches have a vote, and all of them placed the Buckeyes at #1. Mario Cristobal of Florida International and Steve Spurrier of South Carolina were unimpressed with Ohio State’s weak schedule; they voted the Buckeys #6 and #5, respectively. Meanwhile, eleven coaches voted LSU #1, while 29 more had the Tigers at #2.

On an individual basis, Hal Mumme of New Mexico State earns big points from Scooter & Hum for voting Hawai’i #1.

For discussion’s sake, what follows is how the BCS coaches voted*:

#1 Ohio State. Jim Tressel’s Top 5: #1 Ohio State, #2 LSU, #3 USC, #4Oklahoma, #5 Virginia Tech
Notable others: Georgia at #6

#2 LSU. Les Miles’s Top 5: #1 LSU, #2 Ohio State, #3 Georgia, #4 Virginia Tech, #5 Oklahoma
Notable others: Missouri at #11

#3 Oklahoma. Bob Stoops’s Top 5: #1 Oklahoma, #2 Ohio State, #3 Missouri, #4 Kansas, #5 Virginia Tech
Notable others: LSU at #6, Georgia at #8

#4 Georgia. Mark Richt’s Top 5: #1 Ohio State, #2 Georgia, #3 LSU, #4 Oklahoma, #5 Missouri
Notable others: Virginia Tech at #8

#5 Virginia Tech. Frank Beamer’s Top 5: #1 LSU, #2 Virginia Tech, #3 Oklahoma, #4 Ohio State, #5 USC
Notable others: Georgia at #6

#9 West Virginia. Rich Rodriguez’s Top 5: #1 Ohio State, #2 LSU, #3 Georgia, #4 Virginia Tech, #5 Oklahoma
Notable others: Missouri at #10

#13 Illinois. Ron Zook’s Top 5: #1 Ohio State, #2 LSU, #3 Oklahoma, #4 USC, #5 Georgia
Notable others: Kansas at #11

For local flavor, here is how a couple of the Triangle schools voted:

NC State. Tom O’Brien’s Top 5: #1 Ohio State, #2 LSU, #3 Oklahoma, #4 Virginia Tech, #5 USC
Notable others: Georgia at #7

UNC. Butch Davis’s Top 5: #1 LSU, #2 USC, #3 Ohio State, #4 Virginia Tech, #5 Georgia
Notable others: Oklahoma at #6

Obviously, Stoops is the biggest transgressor if you’re being kind, and the biggest jackass if you’re being truthful. Somehow, he managed to put three Big 12 teams in the top four, while dropping the top SEC teams, LSU and Georgia, to #6 and #8 respectively. To try to balance the jackassery, Florida State’s Bobby Bowden voted Stoops’s Sooners at #10, while his son Tommy of Clemson placed Oklahoma at #7.

The final results show that, when there is nothing to be personally gained for their specific team, coaches tend to vote along conference lines. In addition, the votes show that some coaches still don’t understand that they’ll be called on the carpet for illogical, irrational stupid votes.

* Editor’s Note: USC’s Pete Carroll, Kansas’s Mark Mangino and Hawai’i’s June Jones do not have a vote in the poll. Neither does Missouri’s Gary Pinkel, whose team got almost unbelievably screwed.

Celebrate National Baby Seal Day ...

... and support the Green Team!

BCS, Herbstreit Bitch-Slapped During A Memorable Weekend

Whew. I'm glad everything was tied up so neatly and tidily in college football this year, without any controversy whatsoever.

There are people more plugged in than me that I’ll let handle the relative cases each of the BCS-worthy teams can put forth, whether you’re Georgia, USC, Oklahoma, Virginia Tech or whoever. But here’s a quick recap of the voting that took place that resulted in LSU and Ohio State being selected to play for a national title that will be even more mythical than usual this year …

LSU
Two hours before the SEC title game and Les Miles has to hold a press conference to tell people that he’s the coach of the Tigers. Big 10 pimp and former Ohio State quarterback Kirk Herbstreit decides it’s a good idea to go on the air with a false report about Miles taking the Michigan job and hiring Jon Tenuta as defensive coordinator. Not being a journalist or having any background involving journalistic integrity, Herbstreit doesn’t realize that you shouldn’t run with rumors involving a coach hours before his team is playing for a conference championship. Not only does Herbstreit go on with a vague sense of authority, but he basically accused Miles of turning his back on his team, taking a new job and already making staff hires in his new capacity. So Miles calls an impromptu press conference two hours before his game, forcefully and adamantly denies the false report, announces he’s staying at LSU, takes a few shots at ESPN and walks off the stage.



ESPN is ESPN, so they’ll always have the last word (which includes editing out any reference of ESPN in some of the clips of the conference). It’s a fight Miles can’t win, but good on him. ESPN has decided to take the approach that they want to create the news now rather than report it, and they got called on the carpet. Predictably, ESPN tried to spin the press conference into Miles ducking responsibility, but Miles did exactly what we ask our coaches to do: he refused to be pushed around by the media, he acted quickly, he spoke firmly in his own voice. In other words, he was the anti-Nick Satan. And he gets dumped on for that? Yeah, that makes sense. By the way, when he walked off the stage after pointing and saying, “Have a great day,” I nearly peed my pants.

Ohio State
As Mike Golic noted on “Mike & Mike in the Morning,” Ohio State is in simply because they worked the system best. Schedule three crap out-of-conference games. Go without an impressive victory in a weak league. Resist a conference title game. Make sure you have byes the last coupla weeks of the season. Sit back and hope the right teams lose. Celebrate like you did something. Then wonder why everyone hates you and doesn’t give you respect. Respect is earned on the football field, not in the easy chair as you root for better teams to lose to each other.

Georgia
Unfortunately, Kentucky couldn’t make that one key play in the four-overtime loss to Tennessee that the Dawgs needed to get into the SEC title game. You didn’t win your division, much less your conference. Great season and you were playing as well as anyone down the stretch, but the way the system is set up, you don’t have much of an argument.

Oklahoma
You’re a damn good team who had some key injuries at inopportune moments. I’d like to see you in the championship game especially because you’re back at full speed now. Two losses by a combined 10 points on the road aren’t too damning, but you can’t fall to Colorado; you just can’t. You’re more deserving than Ohio State, but you can’t measure up to the Big 10 hype machine.

USC
You had two months to try to overcome a home loss to Stanford and you nearly pulled it off. A seven-point loss at a Dennis Dixon-led Oregon is respectable, but you needed Cal to have a better year and you needed someone more impactful than Arizona State and UCLA on your slate late. Playing on the West Coast meant not enough of us got a chance to see you play and all we remembered you for was losing to a tree.

Virginia Tech
The ACC was down all year (again) and you got bitched by 41 points by LSU. Be happy you’re in a BCS game and enjoy it.

Hawai’i
I’m sorry. You got screwed probably worse than anyone this year. You’re in a catch-22 because you’re good enough that no one meaningful outside your conference wants to play you, but not good enough to get the votes needed to get all the way to the top. The system fails you because you have no way of getting the vote-changing games you need to be a bigger factor.

Missouri
You should have gone for it on fourth-and-goal from the 1 against Oklahoma instead of kicking a field goal to make it 7-6. You’re a Cinderella story and an underdog as the #1 team in the nation … you should know that field goals can’t be kicked with glass slippers. Go for it. Show the Sooners that you’re here to win, not to stay in the game. To make matters worse, you got f’ed out of the BCS mix.

Kansas
With a Dom Deluise doppelganger as your head coach, it’s hard to use the word “tiptoe” when I talk about you, but somehow you managed to tiptoe into the BCS while no one was looking. The fact that your football team scores more points than your basketball team doesn’t hurt, but it’s a joke that you got past Missouri. I guess Mangino is laughing all the way to the … butcher.

West Virginia
If you’re Rich Rodriguez, you had to wake up Sunday morning, look yourself in the mirror, and admit that you were outcoached by Dave “The ‘Stache” Wannstedt. At home. With a national title shot on the line. As a four-touchdown favorite. How do you bounce back from that?


So What The Hell Is Going To Happen?

I don’t tend to quote Shakespeare too much, but Buckeye Nation doth protest too much. They are spending most of the time trying to justify their backing into the title game, and yet, they seem to be the ones most bitching about LSU getting in as well. Why? Because they don’t want to get hammered in the national spotlight yet again by a faster, more talented SEC team, like last year.

Ohio State would seemingly be fine with backing all the way into a national championship game against a team like Missouri, and be thrilled with the idea they didn’t face anyone all season long on the way to a ring.

Here’s why they have every right to be nervous: They’re playing LSU in New Orleans. The flip side of not playing and hoping everyone else loses is that you are dormant for a long time. LSU has plenty of time to get Glenn Dorsey, Matt Flynn, et al, healthy. The Tigers players won’t take too kindly to a team representing the conference that tried to steal their coach in the midst of a national championship run. The LSU coach is a “Michigan Man” playing against the hated Buckeyes. Said coach believes Ohio State may have been behind the effort to undermine LSU’s preparations and stick it to Michigan with the false rumor by one of their alums.

The Tigers got a second life, whether they deserved it or not; such teams usually don’t take second opportunities lightly. So be careful what you wish for, Buckeyes … you just might get it.

Limerick Friday LXIII: Who Wants To See A Mayor On “Cheaters”?

When Rudy Giuliani cheated on his wife for a thrill
It turns out New Yorkers had to foot the bill
He had cops to watch his back
As he fondled his mistress’s rack
Of lying, cheating Republicans, haven’t we all had our fill?

So many injuries early on, I’d say what the hell
My team was good, but how good I couldn’t tell
When healthy, I finished on a league-best high
Even earned myself a needed first-round bye
But the Scooters won’t be satisfied until we rule the whole WFFL

A 45-point loss for the horrific New York Knicks
Even worse, the team is made up a bunch of pricks
Led by the A-No. 1 piece of shit, Isaiah Thomas
Destroys all he touches, that’s a certain promise
All he does is lose games and harass women for kicks

Speaking of loser pieces of shit
Who screw up everywhere that they sit
W is back at it yet again
Warning Congress to approve more money to spend
So he can ruin another Christmas for soldiers stuck in that Iraq pit

Another taken too early, for sure
Sean Taylor has been killed at just 24
They say you’d turned your life around
Your feet firmly planted on the ground
He’ll still be knocking out receivers at heaven’s door

Last time ...

Nike: Just Got Caught Doing It

Man, I had no idea that TGRK could run that fast ...

New Rule: Get Your Rabies Shot Before Designing An End-Zone Dance

I have a friend who had a philosophy that anyone caught kneeling in prayer in the end zone after a touchdown was subject to being speared in the back without penalty. Under his theoretical commissioner rule, any opponent had a free eight-second window in which to drill the player sans punishment. Seemed like a reasonable rule to me … and one that should probably be expanded to some of these ridiculous end-zone celebrations. I know that when Donovan McNabb scored against the Dolphins one time and starting doing some retarded “Teen Wolf” dance, I was praying that Zach Thomas would enjoy a 35-yard full-speed sprint at him and deliver a spleen-rupturing shiver to the lower-back area.

This philosophy also brings me to the greatest moment in the Auburn-Alabama game (well, besides the fact that the Tigers won—money well-spent, Tide!). The Auburn cornerback Jerraud Powers decides to do some gay celebration roughly four inches from an attack dog’s mouth, then gets bit on the hand. Perhaps the best part is the dude takes a swing at the dog and the dog easily ducks it and continues to stare him down. In the meantime, the cop just stands there watching, with no reaction whatsoever. Hell, you come over and start doing a stupid dance too close to a dog, you’re going to get bit. And if you take a swing at said dog, you’re going to get hit. What the hell was the cop doing? Also, why couldn’t the pup take a nip at Alabama coach Nick Satan while he was at it?



So to borrow from Bill Maher, new rule*: Anyone caught doing anything more than spiking the ball or hugging a teammate will be attacked by a rabid dog for a period no shorter than 35 seconds, the length of the play clock. Who’s with me?

* EDITOR'S NOTE: This rule will be tested on an experimental basis during the Norfolk Correctional Facility intramural flag football game, starring Michael Vick himself. The Scooter & Hum in-box has been flooded with dogs volunteering to take part in this venture for free.

Guru.com: Haley Joel Osment Needing Big Money-Time German Singing Song

I’ve written previously about some outstanding Guru.com assignments here, here and here, so I thought it was high time to give an update on some of the “special” projects that have been rolling down the Guru.com pike …

Title: The Real Sixth Sense
Project ID: 339411
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
"Need help writing facts on an additional sixth sense that everyone is born with
-- like we are born with the other 5: taste, smell, touch, sight, sound.
Unless one is born with a birth defect of one or more of these "senses".

"We all have it. I just need to let everyone else know. I don't know how to
write it to express how important this "six sense" is. I need someone to help
me to express this new reality. I also need someone who is and will be very
confidential and loyal to the project and its mission of enlightenment. It may
one day help "individuals" to understand confusion, controvesy and chaos and,
more importantly, how to avoid it at all costs."

Commentary: I have been trying to understand confusion, controversy and chaos for years, but this sounds like an X-Files episode. Unless you can produce Agent Scully toot-sweet, I’m going to count my blessings that I don’t have any sixth-sense birth defects or know any “facts” about the new reality. In fact, in matters such as these, I usually turn to “Seinfeld”:

"I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."
"Cheapness is not a sense."
- George and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"



Title: Creating copywriting for Web content
Project ID: 349387
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
"I upload draft for reference. Need creating rewriting for web content."

Commentary: You e-mail will.stanley@ezutrailerpark.com info for help giving. Help too writing reading Web time happy hour. Rain comin roll windos stay away dumpster at dark.




Title: Need a song/songwriter
Project ID: 352592
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
"My Daughter Alexa is very close to achieving a record deal in Germany with either one major record company very interested her or another Independent that is interested. They are working on one particular R&B Ballad which is a potential front runner for her first single and she has a number of other songs already prodyuced towards her first album. However, everyone agrees that she needs a more upbeat song of quality and potential which could potentially overtake the Ballad for the likely first single release.

"Alexa is currently touring as a vocalist with the Tran Siberian Orchestra. Check out www.trans-siberian.com and www.Alexa1.co.uk ( TSO are huge in America.) Alexa is really a solo artist or lead vocalist but with the TSO she is one of the backing vocalists. At 18 she is the youngest person ever to be selected for TSO and normally it is at least 21 years of age before you even get a slim chance so they recognise her talent and potential and they also have big things in mind for Alexa BUT what we desperately need is a potential number 1 hit for her solo career that is a bit upbeat in a sort of Rhianna type mode. can you help???? I would like to speak to/hear from anyone who genuinely feels that they have already written or could write a song for Alexa that will give the record company and her producers in Berlin what they are asking for and looking for. Please contact me as soon as possible if you feel you can achieve this for us but please chexck out her site before so you can get a feel of what she is all about."

Commentary: I don’t know who Rhianna is, but the idea of a mustachioed German pop tart overtaking the airwaves is frighteningly appealing. In fact, I’m frightened at how much I am appealed. But this sounds more like a job for the toast of Germany … David Hasselhoff.

I’ll Have The F%$king Flapjacks With A Side of God@#*& Grits

It was difficult to say goodbye to HBO’s “Deadwood,” especially coming on the heels of the “Sopranos” taking their journey into that good night. Al Swearengen was one of the most memorable dramatic characters in recent memory. Most “respecatable” folks will tell you that cursing represents the utterings of the ignorant, but Ian McShane’s Swearengen elevated it into an absolute art form.

Hell, he turned ordering pancakes into a soliloquy on swearing …

Enjoy The Fucking Cranberry Sauce

Just wanted to wish everybody out there a happy T-Bird day. Travely safely and be healthy …

“Gee Ma, sorry, I thought since we massacred his people and all, the least we could do is give him a little fucking cranberry sauce.”



Happy Thanksgiving to everyone -- even Chief Running Bull.

Shit-Canned SNL Cast Is Out Of Sight … Out Of Mind

As the writer’s strike continues, rumors are filtering down that many shows are starting to axe much of their staffs. At NBC, Saturday Night Live has fired a reported 90% of the members of the program. Meanwhile, over at rival CBS, David Letterman has apparently informed his staff that he will pay them out of his own pocket until the strike is over.

You can fill in your own joke here about how bad SNL has sucked over the past five years or more and how it will be hard to tell that they don’t have writers anymore, but it sure makes you wonder just how long this strike will persist. It also makes me hearken back to the days when Saturday Night Live was a staple, carried by talents just as Phil Hartman, Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon, Jan Hooks, Victoria Jackson, et al. I don’t recognize Dennis Miller as part of that ensemble anymore since he has turned into an unfunny, raving Republican lunatic.

The SNL news made me go looking for some of my favorite old-school skits, and I quickly stumbled upon one of my favorites. I’ve been lobbying Target to carry this item for years …

‘Roid You Very Much

State plays Maryland this week on Senior Day in the last regular-season game of the year. The winner gets a bowl game; the loser gets to watch Kirk Herbstreit use ESPN to singlehandedly try to vote fraudulent Ohio State into the championship game.

In honor of the arrival of the hated Terrapins, I offer this video of Maryland posterboy convict Shawn Merriman. As a proven steroid freak, he can easily blow through a running back’s block to sack the quarterback, right?



Perhaps not. Because Maurice Jones-Drew looks like Mighty Mouse and has bigger legs than Roseanne Barr.

Sorry, Mr. Merriman … for you, HGH now stands for Hit Ground Hard. And Chris Tucker’s got a coupla words for you here …

At Top Gun Car Lot, Jester's Dead!

The Dolphins are 0-10 after snatching defeat from the jaws of victory once again.

The Rex Grossman Era is back on in Chicago.

State football has 15 guys on the injury report and just lost two unsigned recruits to knee injuries.

Pack hoops features players who are already bitching about playing time two games into the season.

Chuck Amato and Herb Sendek got together to sacrifice a pair of Oakleys in a day-tight compartment to put a curse on the Wolfpack.

Even my fantasy football team lost this week.

I just needed something to make me smile ...

Limerick Friday LXII: Bonds Jailed; Head Assigned Separate Cell

Your head is bigger than that of a sperm whale
Took so many steroids that you began to grow a tail
You lied and you lied and we said, “Tsk, tsk”
Everything you’ve done comes with an asterisk
Hey Barry, you might want to bring that bat with you to jail

There once was a rookie named J.J.
Everyone thought he’d turn out OK
Then he scored 31, which is a lot
And he did it without missing a shot
Could you please get us a title before you go to the NBA?

I have a pet peeve that makes my head ache
And I’m not sure how much more I can take
It’s when people walk on the hall’s left side
And with me they almost always collide
It works like the rules of the road, for christ’s sake!

They say Beck throws a spiral like a frozen rope
And now Ricky Williams is back from smoking dope
This Dolphins season is in the back of a hearse
At 0-9, it certainly can’t get much worse
But at least with some new blood, there’s a reason to hope

Edwards says Hillary can’t be trusted
Obama says her waffling must be busted
The Democrats take aim at each other
Clinton fights back like a bad mother
I don’t care as long as the Republican gets dusted

Against Arizona, a tough break for the Ducks
When Dennis Dixon got hurt, they said, “Aw, shucks”
They turned to the second-string quarterback for relief
Then gave up when they saw his name was Leaf
“Ryan’s brother is our backup?! Oh, what the fucks!”

Last time ...