#1 Say hello to Canna Cola, the so-called “pot soda.” But shouldn’t it be packaged with a bag of Funyuns?
#2 If you’ve flown anywhere recently (boy, are my arms tired, ha ha hee hee ho ho), you have gained an appreciation of the beauty in air travel that is possible when you don’t have any luggage. The ScotteVest can accompany you ‘round the world sans suitcases … though it may garner you a couple of askew looks from airport security, if you’re willing to risk that sort of thing.
#3 This seems like a lot of research to find out the game Ferris Bueller attended in the movie, but … it’s sort of worth it, too, in terms of flat-out awesomeness.
#4 Desmond Howard vs. Phil Simms would be better than any boxing match I’ve seen in years. In fact, let’s make it a thing: the Announcers Boxing Federation (ABF). Am I the only one who would pay to see one-eyed Stuart Scott square off against Dan “Captain Obvious” Dierdorf? Who’s with me?
#5 As a corollary to #1, I introduce you to “Marijuanaman,” the comic brainchild of one Ziggy Marley. I really have nothing to add here.
#6 I’m certainly not one who is going to tell a guy where to live, but I do understand some of the controversy surrounding the decision of Saints coach Sean Peyton to move from New Orleans to Dallas. The Times-Picayune's Jeff Duncan nails the sentiment perfectly when he writes, “New Orleans is the most proudly provincial city in America, and there’s no room for fence-sitters in post-Katrina New Orleans. You’re all in or you’re all out.”
#7 The camera caught this kid on the concourse during a recent ACC hoops game, and I thought he looked so much like Penn State coach Joe Paterno that I did a triple-take. I'm calling him Mini JoPa.
#8 I’m too tired and depressed about the Mets and baseball in general to even make a compelling joke about the team’s $300 million Ponzi scheme. How sad is that?
#9 Put me in the corner of those who didn’t quite get all the fawning over what would have been Ronald Reagan’s 100th birthday. Maybe I’m just a little more aware of the many myths surrounding his presidency than some.
#10 Why has no one else noticed that UNC freshman Kendall Marshall looks exactly like former Tar Heels douche Jason Capel? While it will be hard for anyone to be as epically annoying as Capel was (is?) considering how high he set the bar, anyone nicknamed “K-Butter” certainly gives himself a shot.
Thanks to another in a long line of neat twists of phrase by Stephen King, one of my favorite answers when someone asks me how I'm doing is, "I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest." Well, that phrase takes on new meaning when you consider the story of Carl "Sugarfoot" Joseph, a recent inductee to the Florida High School Athletics Hall of Fame.
I can't do as much justice to Joseph as the video can (there's even a requisite Dan Queerdorf quote included), so going against my normal tendency, I'm going to shut up and let the images speak for themselves.
The NHL vs. the NFL. They're certainly not on par when it comes to popularity or relevance in the United States, but occasionally it's interesting to see how each league elects to handle sticky situations.
On the frozen pond, Sean Avery of the Dallas Stars thought it would be a good idea to gather the assembled media and deliver a blast directed at Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf. Did he attack Phaneuf's manhood on the ice? Did he denigrate his skills? Did he question Phaneuf's ability to match up with Avery? Nah. He basically called Phaneuf's girlfriend a tramp.
You see, Avery once dated actress (term used loosely) Elisha Cuthbert, who is best known for playing Jack Bauer's daughter on "24" and portraying a porn star with a heart o' gold on "Girl Next Door." So, Avery thought it would be humorous to call attention to the fact that he "knew" (in the biblical sense) Elisha early and often, long before Phaneuf arrived on the scene. It was also a reference to the fact that Avery once dated the ex-Mrs. Rod Stewart, model Rachel Hunter, at one point, and Hunter now resides on the arm of Los Angeles Kings defenseman Jarrett Stoll.
"I just wanted to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds," said Avery, with a mock look of disgust. "I don't know what that's about, but … enjoy the game tonight."
Apparently, it is widely accepted around the NHL that Avery is an "instigator and knucklehead" (in the words of the Chicago Sun-Times), so while his words didn't exactly catch everyone off-guard, they were certainly met with ridicule. While I don't know whether Elisha pulls the train at the All-Star Game or is being passed around the NHL (apparently, she also used to date Montreal defenseman Mike Komisarek), I do know that the comments were in poor taste, out of bounds, below the belt, uncalled for, immature, childish, and basically whatever other way you want to describe them. Agreed.
However.
Were they strong enough that they merited an indefinite suspension for Avery? Were they crass enough that his own team said they would have suspended him if the league had not stepped in? Keep in mind that not only did Avery never refer to Phaneuf, Stoll, Cuthbert or Hunter at all, but that, despite being considered the league's most-hated player, Avery has never been suspended. Yet NHL commissioner Gary Bettman acted swiftly, citing Avery's "inappropriate public comments, not pertaining to the game." A day later, Avery delivered a forced apology prior to a mandatory meeting with Bettman in New York, but it was way too little, way too late.
Compare that to the NFL. In the Nov. 23 game at Miami, New England left tackle Matt Light got tangled up with Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder on a field-goal attempt. Light ripped off Crowder's helmet, grabbed him by his dreadlocked hair and began raining punches down on him. Mind you, Crowder was attempting to extricate himself the entire time, not punching back but trying to dance away as Light pulled his hair like a girl. On watching the event live, I assumed a multiple-game suspension for Light, especially considering the league's stance on fighting and basically any type of hard hitting on the field at all, much less sans helmets. The outcome? Both players were fined $15,000, and neither was suspended.
So, basically, Crowder got to pay $15,000 to have a roided-up cheater yank off his helmet, pull his hair and punch him repeatedly about the head and face. Light got to pay $15,000 to take some punishment-free swings at a defenseless player who, admittedly, is annoying and whose bark is much fiercer than his bite. Keep in mind that this is a league that issues fines and 15-yard penalties for breathing on a quarterback (check the last line in the below video, from Dan Queerdorf: "This is not hockey.").
Do you think that the Patriots' following-week matchup against the sack-happy Steelers, in a game with major playoff implications, had anything to do with commissioner Roger Goodell's decision not to suspend an essential offensive lineman for the Pats? Goodell, based on his long-standing relationship with New England owner Robert Kraft, has been a staunch Patriots apologist, even when the Patsies were caught cheating redhanded. Luckily, Pittsburgh beat the shite out of the Cheatriots anyway, but it was another telling development in the NFL's protection and favoritism shown toward New England. Despite their well-documented cheating and Tom Brady's absence, the Pats remain the NFL's favorite sons, demonstrated by favorable rulings, timely penalties against opponents at key moments, and a complete disregard for the infraction of holding against New England at any time.
For those of you scoring at home, in one league, it's OK to attack an unprotected, defenseless player with unreturned punches. In another, if you hint that another player's unnamed girlfriend might be an unmitigated skank, you're basically banished from the league.
Needless to say that, much like "wags" in Europe, Drew Barrymore with losers and Kate Hudson with musicians, Elisha Cuthbert can't resist toothless NHL defensemen. But it looks like Avery would have been better off just punching her instead of questioning her chastity. Because everyone knows that, if you hint that she gets around the NHL more than a Zamboni, you won't only have to worry about Jack Bauer killing your family and destroying your country, but you'll have to deal with the NHL's resident Mr. Bean—Gary "She seems like a sweet girl" Bettman.
And you thought "As the World Turns" was the best soap opera on TV. Not even close.
I think most rational people would agree that Dan Dierdorf is the worst football commentator of all time, and I posit that he's the worst sports broadcaster, period, that has ever stumbled off the assembly line. Cliches, mispronunciations, horrific jokes, man-crushes, repetition … he's got it all. And, as an added bonus, he provides a stunning lack of insight or knowledge for someone who allegedly played the game. How he has sustained a lengthy career for CBS only leads me to believe that he has a picture of the president of CBS in a compromising position with a goat, stealing the tactic used by his doppelganger, Matt Millen.
Since the Dolphins are an AFC team and CBS carries AFC games, I've had to endure Queerdorf for longer than I bear to remember. I always cringe when I hear his voice leading off a Miami game, both for myself and for his partner, Greg Gumbel.
Dan Dierdorf has two dreams in his life: to be the meat in a Tom Brady-Joe Montana sandwich and to eat his bodyweight in Funyuns. Not many can claim to have maxed out their lives' hopes and dreams by age 40, so kudos to you, Douchedorf.
