Limerick Friday #623: When You Have To Form A Team To Ask What Your Culture Is -- Day 1,585

Myopic and weak
Ineptitude at its peak
Gaslighting the norm
In hypocrite form
So the outlook's pretty bleak

It's gone off the rails
With managerial fails
Stop making me say, "Newman!"
And just be a fucking human
This is how marketing fails

A much-needed break
A deep breath to take
It's All-Star week
And time to take a peek
At whether the Mets are real or fake

Frauds and posers
Barnacles and hosers
Take care of your shit
Stop being a nitwit
Buncha fucking losers

The bullshit piling
So much fake smiling
The beach beckons
Not soon enough, I reckons
So TPS reports I'll keep filing

Last time ...

Day 1,467, Quasi-Quarantine: Puddy Supports The Soarin' Team

As a massive "Seinfeld" fan and a modest Disney, this hits right in my wheelhouse. David Puddy greeting us at EPCOT as we're queuing up for Soarin' will never not induce giddiness, so I can only imagine the real-life experience.

Way too good.

Limerick Friday #604: Area Old Yells At Cloud Shaped Like A Wolf -- Day 1,376

Your weekly UNC bitching update

Now where they have manufactured hate?

Mack Brown's as old as dirt

And bad words make his tummy hurt

Obsessing after his latest beatdown by State

Laying a primetime turd

Both embarrassing and absurd

Outcoached and outplayed

This is the bed that they've made

Choking was the sound that you heard

This Festivus Eve

I've got a reprieve

From interminable work

As problems loom and lurk

Mostly in the form of Steve

The shit hit the fan

When Ronnie Mauricio got hurt again

Another big injury in the offseason

As if we needed another reason

To ban international baseball, man

The latest insufferable bitches

Are those wearing Chiefs britches

Over calls, they're weeping

As the Swifties keep creeping

The league won't stand for these Philly-KC glitches

Last time ...

Day 1,291, Quasi-Quarantine: Thursday Was Definitely A Vibe

The day started when I was voluntold to be part of an all-day workshop, which primarily consisted of people arguing about what constitutes a customer and what the best way to onboard them to the company is.

This was my view out the front window. Apparently the neighbor was having some yardwork done and street naps were in order.

 

Pest control came by to have a look at our wasp's nest. It was the largest one he has ever seen. And he is allergic. Pictures were taken. Reinforcements were called. Future plans to remove were made. 

For at least the third time since we've lived on the cul de sac, a delivery guy hit our basketball goal and knocked it over on to our mailbox. Random note found on door. Fourth mailbox ordered. Googled "sams club bulk mailbox bundle."

The day that would not end ended with Bell's Two Hearted Ale.

Day 649, Quasi-Quarantine: Seize Your Festivus For The Rest Of Us

 

As we prep for hiatus, I encourage you to make the most of your airing of grievances and feats of strength. This year has asked and taken a lot from us, so it's time to grab a marble rye and let the expletives fly.

Happy Festivus to one and all ...

Day 591, Quasi-Quarantine: Where Have All My Friends Gone?

 

Me coming to terms with the new state of chat now that none of my friends work here anymore ...

Reminds me in a big way of the "Seinfeld" episode where George and Elaine suggest he go to the movies alone.

Day 431, Quasi-Quarantine: Right There With Ya, Elaine

Relatable. 

Check out part two for a couple more epic lines ("Now we're celebrating a sick day?!").

Limerick Friday #466: I've Got A Lot Of Problems With Missing Jerry Stiller, Plus PTO To The Rescue -- Day 61

As a modern-day "Honeymooner"

'Twas epic as Arthur Spooner

And Frank Costanza, he wore

Jerry Stiller was hilarity's core

A comic genius gone too sooner

As days grow long and taller

The house is getting smaller

Fewer places to hide

As we're stuck inside

Resisting the urge to holler

Entertainment has become dire

Escaping reality's mire

Let's find a classic to binge

To save me from my last hinge

Ladies and gents, please welcome "The Wire"

The Pack needed a recruiting coup

A big name to serve as the glue

Cue an Aaron McLaughlin commit

To repel that NC State Shit

The next star at Quarterback U.?

A Friday to be a Lego geek

And maybe some hide-n-seek

Mounting, the head shakes and scoffs

So here's a much-needed day off

Releasing frustration from its peak

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #451: 'Fins Take A Flyer On Fiedler 2.0, Plus Arizona Plays Rough

As the draft began to unfurl

And storylines wrapped like a hair curler

A hope for the future was chosen

When Miami traded for Josh Rosen

And found their next Hebrew Hurler

Some days, it can be a bummer

Some days, it can make you feel dumber

But sometimes, to your surprise

A kid listens and applies

That's coaching the boys of summer

Can't really say a peep

Without wanting to weep

Down brilliance's home stretch

Laughing enough to retch

Farewell to the comedy gem, "Veep"

Exonerated? Pretty rich

Lying is definitely his niche

Treason with no pretense

But Mueller stayed on the fence

Just one more cowardly bitch

Rocks as gold as Kenny Banion

And bigger holes than Biff Tannen

Surrounded by desert dust

Sand kicked up by every gust

All worth it for a look at the Grand Canyon

Last time ...

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVXXIII: Late Rally Keeps Pack Dancing, Plus Every Walker Hates Noah On TWD

That’s the Cardiac Pack

With an epic LSU comeback

In the words of Kenny Bania,

“That’s gold!,” Bee Jay Anya

Survive and advance, that’s a fact

HBO gave it modest billing

But “The Jinx” has been more than chilling

Producers caught Robert Durst

Showing his murder thirst

Scarier than TWD and more thrilling

Spring training has just begun

The air of hope for everyone

Then the Mets lost another star

When Wheeler’s elbow went too far

Before it starts, another season undone

What do the ides of March mean?

You had better wear green

St. Patrick’s Day once more

Celebrate all the Irish lore

One big springtime festive scene

Alexandria’s dark current scene

An idyll that’s not quite so serene

Another loss on Walking Dead

As Noah’s ripped to shreds

Honeymoon’s over for Rick’s team

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 73

#1

My life and the world at large is in desperate need of Seinfeld emojis. Smarty techie types, please make this happen.

#2

Tony Dungy as the NFL’s moral authority, as I’ve said repeatedly, is a bad joke

#3

This is a crying baby video phone ad that kicks you right in the feels.

#4

I was in this position not all that long ago. But I couldn’t nail this level of honesty in a job interview. Priceless.

#5

Documentary filmmaker Ken Burns and actor Dave Foley look shockingly alike. They both also kind of look like Ellen Degeneres, but that’s neither here nor there.

#6

Senator Whitehouse of Rhode Island is my new hero, destroying reality climate deniers.

#7

I like “The League,” I really do. But their insistence on including the Rafi and Randy storyline goes beyond bizarre to out-and-out stupidity. I’ve never turned off one of these episodes halfway through until one about Rafi and Randy comes on, because they’re routinely unfunny, pointless, and non-football-related. [/rant over]

#8

I want to join this bank. I mean, maybe I really don’t, but still. They were cool before they were illegal.

#9

I’m not sure it’s really possible to describe how awful a broadcaster Boomer Esiason is. Wow.

#10

So let me get this straight: One of the greatest rock bands in the history of music gives away music for free (and one of their best albums in years, it should be noted), and the reaction is offended outrage? Think about that for a minute.

Judging by the response of a new U2 album landing on the iTunes front page, you would have thought that Bono was going around stealing people’s kidneys in the middle of the night. Welcome to the new world of faux entitlement and fabricated sensibility, ladies and gentlemen.

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 72

#1

If you’re planning a visit to the Big Apple, you can score marginal cool points (or, alternately, get punched) by brushing up on your NYC bar lingo.

#2

It’s not fully possible to convey what a tool this narrator is, but the virtual tour of Jerry Seinfeld’s apartment is simply not to be missed. Speaking of not to be missed, the narrator somehow failed to notice the puffy shirt in Jerry’s drawer. Unforgiveable.

#3

How about a slightly creepy, Mafioso-ish store owner trying to sell cups to little kids by discussing “laser swords” and Star Wars? Yes? Here you go.

#4

These ‘Shopped tattoos are utterly brilliant. I have nothing else.

#5

“Nobody’s Son” is a beautifully written reflection on collateral fallout of losing a parent …

#6

So how do you take a picture of arguably the world’s biggest tree, one that has more than 2 billion leaves and is more than 3,000 years old? National Geographic embarked on that challenge (get it?).

#7

Social media just got explained using beer.

#8

This mesmerizing time-lapse marine life photography is nearly overpowering. There’s a whole ‘nuther world out there, folks.

#9

Filed under the category “Incomprehensible Abilities,” this woman is able to say the words “Fart Aerobics” like, a lot, without laughing.

#10

I miss “True Detective.” The people behind “Time is a flat circus” feel my pain and raise it to hilarity.

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 71

#1

I would like to live to there ...

#2

“The rise of a different kind of mainstream press, devoted to telling the plain, unvarnished truth, without fear or favor, instead of propping up a false equivalency and calling it objectivity, would also be a great improvement.” ~Sean Wilentz, Rolling Stone

#3

OK, I’ll bite ... how is more not made of Gene Steretore performing as an NFL referee AND a high-Division-I college basketball official?! Dude has essentially reached the pinnacle of two professions.

#4

There was never enough time, manly pacifier. There was never enough time.

#5

There has never been a more Ohio State name than Jack Mewhort. Who plays for Ohio State.

#6

When TV is realer than real-life, or That Time When Edward Snowden Met Harold Finch.

#7

I’ve heard George Costanza described in a lot of ways and even more things that have been attributed to him, but a “hipster pioneer”? Hell, I’ll buy it.

#8

A four-year-old moved to tears by a song. No words from me, just two thumbs up.

#9

Finally, a rug that truly ties everything together ...

#10

When AT-ATs meet snowboarders in Hoth Sochi.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: Russia Can Even F Up The Olympics, Plus Get Your Shite Together, Canada

A nation of abuse and repression

Has lived up to their perception

Sochi a disaster of corruption

A gay-bashing, dog-killing eruption

The rules for these Olympics, not the exception

Russell Wilson represents what’s right

Punctuated on Super Bowl night

He’s got a State degree

So he’s a Wolfpacker by decree

But O’Brien extinguished his intrinsic light

Signing Day come and gone

Over 17-year-olds they fawn

State did well, it appears

But ask me in three years

Creepy hype just goes on and on

Inconsistency in hoops

Shooting like poops

Questions about competitive fire

Have drawn Pack fans’ ire

Costanza once called them “Moops”

Bieber enjoyed his jail stay

Ford seems to never pay

Two wrecking trains

Just a coupla Canadian stains

What’s in the water up there, eh?

Last time …

Get Your Festivus On ...

I've got a lot of problems with you people ...

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 69

#1

OK, yeah, so I could totally buy this assessment of Ohio State fans ...

#2

I think I have to agree with Sean Wilentz of Rolling Stone, who wrote this about the de-evolution of journalism, which echoes some of what the TV show “Newsroom” tries to depict:

“At some point over the past 40 years, the bedrock principle of journalistic objectivity became twisted into the craven idea of false equivalency, whereby blatant falsehoods get reported simply as one side of an argument and receive equal weight with the reported argument of the other side.

“There is no shortage of explanations for the press’s abdication: intimidation at the rise of Fox News and other propaganda operations; a deep confusion about the difference between hard-won objectivity and a lazy, counterfeit neutrality; and the poisonous effects of the postmodern axiom that truth, especially in politics, is a relative thing, depending on your perspective in a tweet. Whatever the explanation, today’s journalism has trashed the tradition of fearless, factual reporting pioneered by Walter Lippmann, Edward R. Murrow and Anthony Lewis.”

#3

When the whining around what color the grass is painted at midfield is more strenuously contested than the actual game, you know you’re watching college football in North Carolina.

#4

If you’re a true “Seinfeld” fan, I defy you to pronounce Roy Helu’s name without thinking of this “Seinfeld” episode.

#5

I don’t know who Ruby is, but she had a rather awesome “Star Wars” party.

#6

Most of life/the world is rigged. Accepting that and just trying your best would appear to be a big part of finding happiness.

#7

I often wonder what we’d do without the insights gleaned from science: A study indicated that men really do ogle women’s bodies. Also, this:

“Those bodies with larger breasts, narrower waists and bigger hips often prompted longer looks.”

Science at its most essential right here, folks.

#8

Watching “Legendary Nights” documentary about Arturo Gatti and Mickey Ward, I gained a newfound respect for Jim Lampley, a guy I had a hard time embracing as a commentator. Lampley was openly weeping when talking about Round 9 of Gatti-Ward I, to be followed in tears by Larry Merchant, the referee and essentially everyone involved in this emotional piece.

#9

To those who struggle with leaving the wee ones behind every morning, “The Lamentof the Working Parent” rings both true and timely ...

#10

I think Robert Kirkman of the “The Walking Dead” hit the nail on the head on our society in this Rolling Stone interview:

“A hundred years ago, we were living in houses we built, growing food we ate, interacting with our families. That’s a life that makes sense. Now, we’re doing jobs we don’t enjoy to buy stuff we don’t need. We’ve screwed things up.”

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 69

#1

Stormtroopers in pink? I think if C3PO wasn’t gay, he would totally dig this.

#2

There is a kid on Florida State named Sterling Lovelady. It’s hard not to envision him as this guy addressing the team before games.

#3

So who had odds that 2013 playoff goat Raheem Moore—he of the “epic blunder”—would not only still be a member of the Denver Broncos this year, but also the starting free safety?!

#4

Half of parenthood is trying to convince yourself that that stain isn’t what you know it is.

#5

Former Pack great (and Dolphins destroyer) Mario Williams looks like the deputy sheriff (LaMonica Garrett) “Sons of Anarchy.”

#6

41 “Seinfeld” references in a 5-minute sportcast, then the anchor is one-upped by his co-anchor doing an Elaine dance. This would be my every broadcast. Epic.

#7

This piece gets a bit abstract and existential, but bear with it: It’s well worth it to learn about being born as a parent.

#8

The Coast Guard, the Arctic and the Evelynbear. That is all.

#9

Sean Payton is a tweaker, a cheater and a douche. I guess those are the kinds of things that are celebrated by ESPN. Movin’ right along.

#10

A surfer cliff-jumping off Lighthouse Point in Santa Cruz? Why, sure.

Jim Beam Is Real ... And It's Spectacular

Dear bees,

Jackie Chiles is coming for you. And no balm will help.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXV: Newtown Redefines “Unspeakable,” Plus Frank Costanza Had It Right All Along

Horror played out at Sandy Hook

Tears made it hard to even look

One more coward with an assault rifle

Saw precious life as but a trifle

If there’s a hell, he’d better cook

To an older generation, a link

Even though he didn’t always think

Larry Merchant is stepping away

He was there during boxing’s heyday

Finest hour was clowning Mayweather with a wink

We bicker and argue and fight

And ignore others’ plight

Sure, it’s the holiday season

Credit card bills soar for no reason

And hope the Mayans weren’t right

Pete Carroll a douche to the core

Faking a punt up 30, you dirty whore?

Russell Wilson has made a career

Of making coaches better than they appear

Pete the Fraud will get his until he’s buttsore

Festivus Day is nigh

A holiday defined by a sigh

Grievances loudly aired

Feats performed with muscles bared

That metal pole, it stretches so high ...

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 57

#1

A beer-swilling, ammo-toting, Polish-joke spouting bear by the name of Voytek. Badass of the Week? Nay. Badass of the Forever.

#2

So the hysterical “Veep” (starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus in a role closer to 20-years-later Elaine from “Seinfeld” than anything else she’s ever done) is like “Spin City” on crack. And that’s a good thing.

#3

Three teams in the land won a bowl game, went to the Sweet 16 and advanced to the baseball super regionals. NC State was one of them. Good year for Pack athletics.

#4

The zombie apocalypse won’t look like you think it will look.

#5

The way Roy Williams has “handled” queries into UNC basketball’s role in the pervasive academic scandal and cheating running rampant in Chapel Hill only feeds a widespread perception that local media kowtows to entities like UNC hoops. Until the local media learns that legitimate questions can’t be adequately answered with a lot of grab-ass, aw-shucks non sequiturs punctuated by a lot of “fricking” and “crap,” regional sportswriting will always be viewed as a joke from a national perspective. Maybe when someone gets around to writing the book “Poisoning the ‘Ol Well,” it’ll dispel the image of “press conferences” filled with guffawing, back-slapping and painfully forced laughter.

#6

Just in case you were curious about what a day in the life of the Most Interesting Man in the World looked like ...

#7

The HBO documentary “Breaking the Huddle” offered a no-holds-barred look at the slow integration of football in the South, complete with surprising revelations about Lee Corso’s role, how Hayden Fry led the way and why Michigan State was deemed the “Underground Railroad” of college football More stellar documentary work from the best production company in the business—HBO.

#8

Virginia catcher Nate Irving shares the same name as the former Wolfpack linebacker, but doesn’t possess the epic dreadlocks or bone-crushing intensity or awesome nickname of the latter.

#9

No one covering the NBA will admit it, but officiating has arguably been the deciding factor halfway through the NBA Finals between the Heat and Thunder. If Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook got half the calls that LeBron James and Dwyane Wade do, the Thunder would have closed this thing out already.

#10

That sound you just heard is Shell’s PR guy getting shit-canned.