Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 64

#1

Just in case you wanted some hugs (and tears) to go with your burger and fries, I present Tim’s Place.

#2

Cottonwood has long been my favorite North Carolina brewery, and they hit another one out of the park with Frostbite Black IPA. Highly recommended if you’re so inclined.

#3

Do the Baltimore Ravens have a linebackers coach named Wink Martindale?!

#4

I’ve never seen Dane Cook and Skylar Astin (of the movie “21 and Over”) in the same place at the same time. And if I did, I’m sure Astin would not be laughing at one of Cook’s bits.

#5

So there’s a Walking Dead drinking game called, appropriately enough, “Walking Drunk.” That is all.

#6

The “30 for 30” special on Chicago hoops legend Ben Wilson, titled “Benji,” was raw and powerful. The stark way in which it was shot and his story told really ramped up the emotional attachment to the story itself.

#7

So maybe life could pass you by while you’re tap-tap-tapping ...

#8

This guy is like my new personal hero and I would elect him the free and true leader of anything and everything. #drivinginrussia

#9

Just in case you thought the whole cops-at-Dunkin-Donuts thing is played out, here’s a tremendous story. Only a policeman could get away with the ol’ “I thought that cocaine was doughnut powder” defense. At least it’s not like cops get adjudicated differently or anything ...

#10

This story has it all: a perverted UNC professor, cocaine, a triple-D glamour model, almost incomprehensible arrogance and a catfish” of epic proportions. This dude makes Manti T’eo look like Don freaking Juan.

Calmer Than You Are

I encountered a poor man's Jeffrey Lebowski at the Super Target the other day. This "Dude" seemed genuinely puzzled by bacon for at least 20 minutes. I can only hope he wrote a check for it.

Rivers Wasn't Having A Bad Enough Year?!

Looks like Target ordered the wrong NC State Ragin' Cajuns Wolfpack jerseys. Or else there's a surprisingly large Louisiana-Lafeyette demographic in Raleigh, N.C.

Philip Rivers is weeping somewhere.

Irony, Thy Name Is Hyatt ...

On a recent trip to Chicago, it was hard to miss the drum-banging workers protesting against Hyatt. Making the scene more memorable was their proximity to a sign declaring Hyatt one of the "Top 100 Workplaces."

Good stuff.

You Must Be A Gynecologist ... ?

Saw this recently at the doctor's office and got the giggles.

And yes, comedically and from a maturity standpoint, I'm exactly 6 years old.

The Ever-So-Rare Wanchese Mullet

There's usually not a day that goes by that I don't think of the Outer Banks. It's epic for so many reasons ... not the least of which is seeing vintage-era mullets like this one, spotted outside the North Carolina Aquarium.

Viva la mullet.

"It's The Wood That Makes It Good!"

Never thought I'd see Newman anywhere other than at a Kenny Rogers Roasters, but lo and behold, he turned up at a chicken joint in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

This Happened, Douchey Litter Guy (Doesn’t) Goes Out With A Bang

First, PaperTowelGate debuted. Then, the janitor jumped on board with a response. I think. Finally, someone played the vagina card.

Only it wasn’t so final.

Soon after the vagina card both appeared and was removed, someone – perchance Douchey Litter Guy? – apparently thought he should get the last comment. So, naturally, they threw the toilet paper holder and toilet paper about the bathroom in some sort of Waspish tantrum.


And, in a semi-update, paper towels are still being thrown on the ground near the door, even though the sigh has been taken down. Amazing.

Or maybe not. *sigh*

This Happened, Paper Towel-Style: Somebody Plays The “Vagina” Card

I guess it was bound to happen eventually, but suffice it to say that PaperTowelGate has escalated dramatically. First, there was the sign imploring Douchey Litter Guy to stop, you know, throwing shit on the bathroom floor, followed by a confusing message from Douchey Litter Guy attempting to defend his actions. Then, the janitor eventually responded with some strongly worded (I guess) assertions that Douchey Litter Guy is “childish.”

Well, folks, you ain’t seen shite yet (pun intended).


Oh, no he di’n’t (yes, he did)! Let’s just say that, at this point, I don’t know whether this guy is my new personal hero -- after all, working "vagina" and "douche" into a single comment is pretty high on the awesomeness degree-of-difficulty scale -- or part of the problem. What is not up for debate is that he delivered a swift kick to the taco on Douchey Litter Guy with this one.

Unfortunately, this tool has had his sensibilities offended and is threatening to tear down the note. I told him not to F with my summer, but I fear that the budding battle between Douchey Litter Guy and Taco Kicker could be over before it truly begins.

And if that’s the case, we all lose.

This Happened, Paper Towel-Style: The Janitor Responds

So a while back, I clued you in on some of the disturbing bathroom shenanigans that have been going on in the building where I work. Well, after the paper towel perpetrator elected to offer up a half-assed excuse for why he justifies throwing dirty paper on the floor of a bathroom, there was silence for a while.

Until now.


Yes, the janitor has found his voice. I can’t decipher it all without a decoder ring, but I think he basically told Douchey Litter Guy that throwing paper towels on the floor is “childish.”

As a statement about true “childish”-ness, this was apparently Douchey Litter Guy’s response.


See, this is what happens when a black janitor and a white, Republican WASP insurance jackass square off over bathroom litter …

VH1, are you listening?

This Happened, Paper Towel-Style

Apparently, the custodian in our building (which is populated largely by bankers and insurance types) is getting a bit tired of picking up used paper towels off the floor and has asked that folks start throwing them away in a, you know, trash can. A reasonable request, no?

Instead, some insurance banking genius has apparently responded to the sign with his own message: “To open the door, you usen (sic) paper towel, (sic) please place a trash can nearby to hold the towels”

So this dude is using a paper towel to operate a door handle? And afterward, with no trash can in sight, he thinks the best move is to throw the paper towel on the ground?

Where the fuck am I again?

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 15

#1
Florida coach Urban Meyer, who retired for like six hours because he was stressed, has found creative new ways to not avoid stress in his life. Apparently, he took his time off to enroll in the Nick the Prick Satan School of Influencing Media And Berating Reporters. This time, Not Really That Urban thought he would threaten a reporter for using a quote from a Gators player about Tim Tebow not being a “real quarterback.” First of all, the kid said the quote, not the reporter—maybe, just maybe, you may want to discuss it with him? And second, you’re the reason Tebow is not considered a “real” quarterback, by the way.
So gimme a fucking break, you fraud. Why don’t you just retire for another hour and catch your breath?

#2
My daughter got bit at school the other day. The next day I sent her into her class with a shiv tucked discreetly into her tiny pink sock.
That’s how we roll on the North Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide.

#3
Overheard at work as part of the worst segue ever:
This guy: “Dude, you know what’s sweet about having a gay hairstylist?”
Me: [stunned silence]
Me: “Um … no, I can’t say that I do.”
This guy: “They send you texts that refer to you as ‘Sunshine.’”
I’m not going to ask why your fairy hairstylist is sending you text messages. And I’m sure as hell not going to ask why they include the word “Sunshine” in any context.

#4
Tremendous story developing at Butler, where 12-year-old coach Brad Stevens has led the Bulldogs to the Final Four, which will be held seven miles from Butler’s campus. The dude looks young enough to convince you that this has all been staged as part of secretly filming “Little Big League 2.”

#5
Serious question: Are stabbings becoming more in vogue instead of shootings because knives are cheaper in this economy?

#6
Let me get this straight: Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington tests positive for cocaine, and because he confessed to it prior to his drug test coming back positive, there is no punishment whatsoever? I’m no lawyer, but aren’t we suspending guys for huge portions of seasons for what could be argued is taking the wrong kind of vitamin? I’m having a difficult time with this one, MLB.

#7
Was watching Saturday morning cartoons with Ube and “Tom & Jerry” came on. It took a very short amount of time for me to be mortified … I had little to no recollection that much of the plot surrounded Tom chasing everyone around with a shotgun, blasting away. Jeezus. Where’s the remote?

#8
So Joey Porter interferes with the police arresting his boy in a Taco Bell parking lot, slaps a cop’s hand, rolls his window up in cop’s face, then refuses to comply with orders to lay on the ground at gunpoint? Talk about putting your life on the line for a fucking chalupa. Where’s Taco Bell Denise to give you a “special deal” on not getting your ass shot for being a goddam ‘tard?
Welcome to my list of Players Who I Hope Suffer Serious Injury Soon.

#9
Are Blue Diamond Smokehouse almonds the best snack ever? Discuss.

#10
It was comical to see not-black-enough-to-pull-it-off Nolan Smith get into a shoving match with a Baylor player at the end of Duke’s Elite Eight game with the Bears. His facial expression when he realized who he was dealing with, just before he began backpedaling, was priceless. Nolan, you’re a nice player and I know you want to show that Dookies can be “tough,” but you want none of a fracas with a team whose players kill each other.
[Too soon?]

This Happened: Held Hostage By A Small Cardboard Box

There was this company once; it was based overseas. They had a salesperson; for the sake of this exercise, we’ll call her, oh, Worthless Piece of Shit … WPOS for short. In the span of 20 months as a sales rep charged with closing, WPOS closed no deals. Zip. Nada. Not shite. What did she do during this time? Well, she managed to work on her personal companies, steal money from her current company by arranging “business trips” to visit her significant other and personal-business contacts in other parts of the country, clip her nails at her desk, stab bosses and colleagues in the back to lead to dismissals, and manipulate the internal lead tracking system to make it appear as if she was doing, you know, worky-type stuff. Oh, did I mention WPOS made more money than either the CEO or COO of this company?

After finally accruing the stones necessary to cut ties after a seemingly interminable length of time, WPOS was sent packing. Except by “sent packing,” I mean, no arrangements were made for her to gather her personal effects or have them sent to her whereabouts. Instead, her possessions sat in her cubicle for a week before enterprising former coworkers took it upon themselves to box up her shite for her—with the side benefit that her primely located former cubicle would be quickly usurped by those more deserving. Following the process of carefully delineating WPOS’s possessions from company property and placing them in requisite separate boxes, the boxes were moved five feet outside of her former cubicle in an effort to ready said cube for takeover.

Not so fast, my friend. The overseas-based company, grossly overestimating American fondness for jobs that they are both fired from and don’t want in the first place, panicked, wondering if WPOS would sue them for firing them and try to “come back to the company.” [Pause for you to think about that] A hastily constructed e-mail was sent out instructing the remaining team not to touch WPOS’s belongings in case she changed her mind or was made uncomfortable by the fact that the cubicle she no longer works in at the company she no longer works at was disturbed. As the days passed, word finally filtered down that WPOS had made arrangements to retrieve her stuff from said company after-hours on a Friday evening—which would mark the first time WPOS had ever set foot inside company offices after 5 p.m. on any day.

Not surprisingly, Monday morning arrives and the previously mentioned boxes remain where they are. WPOS never showed up, never called, never explained. Queries are raised as to whether the remaining team still can’t move their cubicles. Finally, the team is instructed that WPOS has “rescheduled” the time when she will pick up her possessions for several more days. However, the remaining former coworkers are still not allowed to move cubes, apparently for fear that evidence that the company has moved on from an employee that engaged in theft and fraud during a memorable year-and-a-half tenure would somehow hurt her feelings. You know, more than getting shit-canned for not doing shit would.

Essentially, you have a company firing a worker for not doing shit, then relying on that fired person to actually do shit in order to move on as a company. Apparently, the company engaged in a fear that moving WPOS’s boxes five feet might cause her to change her mind and sue the company? Keep in mind that this is a company that has an SOP for how long employees are allowed to have computers remain on at an unattended desk for fear that sensitive information could be seen by uncleared eyes … yet the company is allowing a fired, disgruntled employee whose gravy train derailed access to the company offices a week and a half after she has been axed? Never mind that most companies won’t allow jettisoned former workers past the front desk and would have packed up the possessions, erased all evidence of the former employee’s existence from the records, and made arrangements with security to preside over the possessions until they are collected by the fired person. Hell, never mind that many companies would have sued the fired worker to claim stolen funds.

Someday, this episode will be one of many chronicled in a tell-all book about inane and mind-numbing work experiences … in a chapter titled “That Time I Was Held Hostage By A Small Cardboard Box.”

This Happened: No-Talent Ass-Clown Pulls A Vanilla Ice

So I looked in the rear-view mirror while stopped at a light on the corner of Six Forks and Atlantic and saw a white dude with Oakley sunglasses swaying and gesticulating to gangsta rap. Dear lord, if he only knew how much he looked like Michael Bolton from “Office Space” in this epic opening scene.

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 12

#1
Someday I’m going to become a millionaire by opening up a tattoo removal shop focused solely on former NBA and college basketball players. Some of these jackasses are going to wake up one day and be 60 years old, wondering why the hell they have a tattoo of a flaming basketball with a random number in the middle of it.

#2
I love some of the return-to-the-roots and old-school-references type of stuff that is taking place on “Lost” as they enter the home stretch. Things like Jack and Hurley revisiting the caves and finding Shannon’s inhaler are nice reminders of the “simpler” days of the show.
Also, the actor who does the Martin Keamy role (Kevin Durand) does a TREMENDOUS job. Severely underrated character.
Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say … WHERE THE HELL IS DESMOND?!

#3
Witnessed: Old dude in a business suit rolling down Spring Forest Road on a Segway in the rain. I can’t exactly explain why, but that made my day.

#4
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool us all three times, shame on Ben Roethlispervert.

#5
This happened: Saw an “ECU Engineering” sticker on a car stopped at a stoplight. I laughed and I laughed.

#6
With 4:10 remaining in the first of the Clemson-Florida State game, Clemson had 6 points. SIX. And the halftime score was 21-19. Rather embarrassing for the #3 and #5 teams in the ACC at time, no?
Just one of the reasons why I believe no ACC team will advance past the Sweet 16.

#7
If my tattoo removal biz doesn’t work out, I want to be reincarnated as Gibril Wilson’s agent. That piece of shit earned $24 million guaranteed the last two years, both of which ended in him getting cut, by the Raiders and the Dolphins, respectively. The worst safety in the league makes $24 million and gets cut by the two of the worst teams in the NFL over the last decade?
God bless America.

#8
This happened: A complete rectal wizard driving east on Six Forks Road in the far left lane tries to cross three lanes of traffic in a 100-foot span during rush hour. And how does this dick-monkey commence this effort? By attempting to simply ran his car into other cars in the next lanes to force them to stop so he can pull in front of them. Nice job, dick monkey! Where the F do these people come from? Better yet, when are they going back?

#9
Mind-numbing sports cliché of the week: “Despite being down by 35 points, Roy Williams continues to coach his team like it’s a one-point game.” Really? What the fuck else is he going to do? Can I ask, quite honestly, what the hell his other options are? Go have a Coke and a smile out on the concourse? Go hide in the locker room and rock in the fetal position in the corner of a shower stall? Go up in the stands and have someone removed while the game is going on? Gimme a break, guys.

#10
By now, you’ve undoubtedly seen those InventHelp commercials on ESPN. Is it me, or is that guy Clarence McGhee the whitest black dude in the history of the world? Hell, he makes Theo Huxtable look like Flavor Flav.

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 10

#1
There may not be an actor better-suited for his particular TV role than Jim Parsons of the “Big Bang Theory.” Playing uber-geek Sheldon Cooper, Parson is so ideally cast in this role that he actually seems to become Sheldon at times. He was nominated for an Emmy, but hopefully next year is his year to win it.

#2
Is it me, or has Luke Harangody been at Notre Dame forever? I swear that bucket-headed bastard roomed with Rudy in the freshmen dorm.

#3
It was tough to hear the news about Warren Sapp’s arrest for domestic violence without going, “Damn.” I’ve always been an unapologetic Sapp fan, but his arrest and the NFL Network not allowing him to work the Super Bowl means there must have been something to allegations that he choked a woman in a hotel room. I really want to believe you’re better than that, Warren.

#4
In this week’s installment of “Who’s Stealing from ‘Seinfeld?’”, we call out “Accidentally on Purpose.” During a recent episode, there was a scene involving a dude struggling to pull off pants that were stuck on another dude. This, of course, was a direct ripoff of the epic Kramer dungaree scene from “The Wait Out” (which featured, as well, the always-tremendous Mickey).

#5
Who here can’t wait for the John Swofford “In My Own Words” special? Maybe they’ve captured footage of the ACC commish living in Dean Smith’s garage while wearing Roy Williams’s boxers around his head.
Here’s something “In My Own Words,” Swoffsticka; you’ve taken ACC basketball from the pinnacle to mediocrity by allowing for the favoritism of a couple of hand-picked schools and you’ve made ACC football into a bigger joke by chasing the buck and bringing in schools that don’t belong in the league. And for good measure, you’ve presided over officiating in both sports that make the ACC the laughingstock of the nation when it comes to officials.
There’s your documentary.

#6
Has anyone ever seen “Fringe” bad guy Thomas Jerome Newton (Sebastian Roche) and Chef Gordon Ramsay in the same place at the same time?

#7
It’s hard not to respect Peyton Manning as a quarterback, but the guy has taken the term “tool” to completely new levels. I mean, I read that he asked his teammates to start watching game film instead of the in-flight movie on the team plane. How do you think stuff like that goes over with the third-string special-teams linebacker from East Compton High School and the University of Detroit? Does anyone else think that there are a lot of eyerolls and mutterings of “Dork-ass cracker” over shit like that?

#8
Tremendous winter season finale of “Fringe,” punctuated by Broyles’s line of “There are times when the only choices you have left … are bad ones.” On a side note, you gotta feel for Pacey in his pursuit of Agent Dunham—how much bad luck do you have to have to get cock-blocked by a freaking building from another goddam universe?

#9
I recently saw two more of my favorite “King of Queens” episodes: “Hi, School,” where Burt Reynolds guest stars as Doug’s old high school football coach and utters two all-time lines: “He ran like he was mad at the grass” and “When you’re a little kid and you moon somebody, it’s funny. When you’re approaching middle age, shaped like you are, it’s … disturbing.”
The other was “Tank Heaven,” where Doug submarines Carrie’s efforts to make friends at work by doing stuff like lifting up his shirt and saying, “Is this a lot of hair? Seriously? I mean, a lot of people say I’m hairy, but I don’t think I’m hairy enough.” The episode also unveils “Nachos 101” (“You don’t take the nucleus; you work around it. You honor it.”) and a Scoot go-to line: “… And all is quiet under the dome.”

#10
So we went to get Ube’s three-month pictures done, and among the frightening melting pot of fellow customers were some, shall we say, urban-looking fellas dressed out in minister garb. One of them was apparently nervous, because his mentor chided him at one point, “Remember, these are your priest pictures … Try not to look like you just got of jail.”
Yes. This happened.

This Happened: Drama At The Dry Cleaners

So, a coworker thought it would be a good idea to take some dress clothes to a sketch-ass dry cleaner that is housed in the bottom of our office building—next to a café. Well, when said coworker got back his three pairs of dress pants, they all had holes and burn marks in them. When he confronted the dry cleaner, he was told that he must have moths. Yes, moths were to blame for this catastrophe.

My coworker, enraged, almost punched the dude (and I’m going to assume that the dry cleaner is gay here), leaving me to ponder the odd image of an infuriated guy screaming at a dry cleaner next to a café as folks are walking into work early on a weekday morn. Anyway, the coworker took the pants to his tailor, who said, definitively, that the damage could not have been done by moths.

When my coworker ran into the dry cleaner again in the elevator, he informed him of what the tailor had said, which preceded another argument, which led to raised voices, which naturally resulted in my coworker calling the Better Business Bureau and lodging a formal complaint. Now the dry cleaner has to pay to have the pants sent to a special lab in Charlotte that will determine whether the property destruction could have possibly been due to a moth infestation.

And yes, this happened.

Anyway, like so many other events in my life, this episode reminded me of a “Seinfeld” episode …

This Happened, The Halloween Version

So, for the second straight year since we've lived here, our neighborhood has decided that it would be eminently epic to "haunt" each other (click on the image for the gory details). Apparently, this involves sneaking onto a complete stranger's property and depositing a poorly rendered and photocopied "ghost" on their house, complete with cheap, autumn-like gift from Wal-Mart.

And a lot of sighs. And shakes of the head.

Because nothing says "Happy Halloween" like trespassing, dollar-bin shopping and furtive glances.

This Happened: Tucked Independence Day Parking Lot Old Fella

Now, I try to be as patriotic as the next guy, and considering some of the struggles of our times, it seems a little easier these days. But it never occurred to me to rock a Star-Spangled Banner shirt in public.

So I salute you, Random Tucked Weird Dude With Flag Shirt In Lowe's Parking Lot. Hope you all had a happy Fourth of July ...

Cameron Village Has MILFs -- And ALFs

"Sixty years of serious style," my arse.

That's the slogan of Raleigh's Cameron Village. Yet this video of "sewer monsters" raced around the Intertubes this morning, potentially destroying a tagline while documenting an alleged alien life form feeding on yuppie leftovers just below this swanky (now stanky?) shopping area. The terrifying footage reveals what can only be described as something hideous, disturbing and utterly not of Wake County. Hell, I think I saw this particular creature on an episode of "Fringe" at one point.

Apparently, the animal anomaly has now been safely identified as tubifex worms … yet, somehow, that doesn’t make me feel any better or make it any easier to retrieve my breakfast off of my laptop keyboard. Besides, tubifex worms aren't nearly as cool as learning what ET might look like nowadays after years of chain-smoking crack and snorting Reese's Pieces in a meth lab on Jupiter's version of Detroit.

So … remind me never to have an omelet at Café Carolina & Bakery in the Village ever again.