Since I’m feeling the holiday spirit (translation: shotgunning Irish coffee and passing out under the desk in my cubicle) and since many of you will be out for most or all of next week for Christmas, I expanded Limerick Friday this week. Therefore, I am proud to introduce and give you … the Ultra-Extravagant, Super-Sized, Double-Whammy, Feats-Of-Strength, Airing-Of-Grievances Festivus Limerick Spectacular!
Carry on …
It’s Christmas-time in our Raleighwood city
I’m guessing no bonuses coming down the SEO chimney
Use Amazon to avoid trips to the mall
Chewbacca shops at Wookie Big ‘N’ Tall
Marco and Etoria are coming over to put up my Christmas tree
Where are all the good TV shows?
I miss Seinfeld and even Klinger’s nose
There ain’t a damn thing good on TV
Don’t wait for commercials anymore to pee
Creative ideas went somewhere that nobody knows
Casie’s posts are staring to scare me
Every weekend, a vomiting jamboree
Tricking drunk dudes into bed
Then hooking up with Muppets instead
The hobbit’s in for quite a time on New Year’s Eve
Holiday goodies galore
Excuses to eat like a boar
Everything ends in “chocolatey prize”
Got tree trunks where you once had thighs
Don’t complain when you can’t fit through the door
Family hides from him on Thanksgiving
Mentions a girlfriend and they all know he’s fibbing
Can’t use a car wash without breaking shite
Helps girls move and then they just say, “Good night”
Try something else because this ain’t much of a living
“Stranger Than Fiction” was a pretty good flick
You just never know when from these movies you pick
Like the “The Truman Show” for Jim Carrey
Will Farrell wanted a drama he could carry
Still liked him better on “Old School” when he was getting sick
Dad gets a sailing calendar annually
Mom wanted some freaking Enya CD
It’s a banner year in our holiday household
Predictable, cheesy gifts just never get old
I spiked the egg nog, so I think I’ll have a drink or three
One writer left and he’s got humps like a camel
Schizophrenic and dumb as a wood panel
If he hears a laugh he’ll shit in his pants
Then go off on more paranoid rants
Hell, now he’s lying about going to Channel
Two struggling bachelors who just don’t know what to do
From George Costanza they could learn a thing or two
What you’re doing is a disaster and a fright
So the opposite must necessarily be right
You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit, that’s your cue
A former coworker meeting at Danny’s
Literace can’t attend, he lunches with trannies
More people at lunch than where we used to work
Laughing and joking over cole slaw and pork
Wondering why Will keeps talking about dudes’ fannies
Limer-inks
Limerick Friday I
Limerick Friday II
Limerick Friday III
Limerick Friday IV
Limerick Friday V
Limerick Friday VI
Limerick Friday VII
Best of … Limerick Friday
Limerick Friday IX
Limerick Friday X
34 comments:
Scooters Limerick made quite the impression
I'm not feeling very inspired this early morning session
Casie dresses up her geese
which made me laugh at least
Chuck Berry will teach you lifes lessons.
No bonuses, but a speech from a boor
And our stockings just lay on the floor
Hell, no one left here anyway
Should be a festive MSI X-Mas Day
Now Tom sells magazines door to door
Dangerous toys abound for a holiday looter
Brent's sister, with a BB gun he did shoot her
Missile launchers we all did love
Lawn darts were basically death from above
That picture on Brent's blog looks a lot like Scooter
no vomiting coming from me
and dudes come to my bed willingly
sad to miss the reunion lunch
I'll be sitting at my desk eating captain crunch
oh well pour one out for your homie
limerick day is pretty slow
was there an increase in work flow?
how am i supposed to make it through the day
limerick friday is usually the only way
so come on now and give it a go
went to a bar last night
man in a reindeer sweater was an awful sight
remember when brent wrapped the gnome
and minnette took it home
too bad the xmas sweater contest never took flight
Work is definitely stemming the flow
Of limericks that make you go "Ho ho!"
Deadlines before the holiday break
Make Scooter say, "For christ's sake!"
Remember when Brent beat Steven Seagal at Yu-Gi-Oh?
There's a manatee joke in there somewhere
Maybe Brandow can make you aware
I liked Minnette personally
Even though she weighed 3-0-3
All that dood Tyler did was stare
I miss barbecue and sweet tea
And coworkers whose names rhymed with "pansy"
I used to sit next to the printer
And wore turtlenecks in the dead of winter
If anyone would fly cross-country for Danny's, it would be me
Festivus is my favorite time of year
To hell with all this fake holiday cheer
I have a grievance that I’d like to air
My company doesn’t have a dime to spare
TGRK once sodomized a reindeer
You limerickists should just pack it in
Either that or you better start crackin'
Every good thing eventually ends
So remember, my good friends
Life is a ponytail and we are all Robert McCracken
wow is that a limerick from the west coast
tony austin the former host?
that definitely makes my day
more than pauls post on rudy gay
glad you could put up a post
A minimalist limerick
Friday
Payday
With Austin
I miss walkin'
Holiday
A limerick for Raleigh's own Clay Aiken
Loves men like Tony Austin love bacon
Seen more weiners than a certified moyel
But without the prayers and with cooking oil
Why he claims to be straight leaves my head shakin'
A sweater with tinsel and bells
A triple double from Courntney Fells
I'm not asking for much
Maybe something from Hot Dog Costumes & Such
Or maybe an autograph from my man Tim Wells
Why do all of these limericks rhyme?
Usually there is at least one crime
No limericks thus far from Will
Maybe he has decided to chill
Or taken a job as a street mime
Steals reviews from Rolling Stones
Then juggles other doods cajones
Lies just to try to get a job
Sends Chinless out the door with a sob
When he thinks of Clay Aiken he moans
still nothing from will, paul or brent?
my day of limericks is almost spent
all you people doing work
are making me look like a big jerk
screw you guys i'm going home so get bent!
hahahahaha not really
Poor Donald Rumsfeld's last day
Resigns with plenty of Halliburton back pay
Don't stand in front of Cheney while hunting
Ignore any presidential grunting
Follow these tips and you'll be A-OK
They'll miss Rumsfeld over in Iraq
Even though in truthiness and strategy he did lack
"Goodbye," say the soldiers with dismay
"We'll be shooting Jawas with an Iran-Contra AK"
"Maybe next Christmas with my family I'll be back"
Some won made off with my butt plug
I dissappeared after a sharp tug
I'll bet it was that jabroney Cord
Can't tell us lies anymore so he's bored
What he doesn't know is i put my balls in his coffee mug
Casie is a hard girl to impress
Sees our limericks and dimisses them as a mess
Back to the locker room for a young-boy peep show
Then off clubbing down at Hobbits and Mo'
At midnight, a costumed Chuck E. Cheese forbidden caress
I rock and I shake and I rock some more
Love my puppet so much I am sore
Monosyllabic, so I make a strange sound
But when a bunch of golf balls fall on the ground
I immediately say, "They number exactly 54"
We've all been treated like gimps
By managers who are no more than chimps
After the new year this place is done
No lies left to be spun
more integrity resides in pimps
I miss when Eleanor was our greeter
Now she works in produce at Harris Teeter
Xavier was a dead ringer for Mr. Peanut
That Homer Simpson lookalike had quite a gut
Cal the robot said, "Take me to your leader"
I miss the chicks with their fake tits
Now i have only Ely and her hissy fits
Kelly, Cheryl and Cheryl's hot daughter
Now we are likes lambs to the slaughter
All this coffee is giving me the shits
Any writers left for that sad sack Jack?
He'll whine himself into a heart attack
Payback is definitely a mofo
Wouldn't you agree, you spineless schmo?
Pardon me, can you take this knife out of my back?
Great, Anonymous has made a return
And it looks like they have some fury to burn
For the last time, leave that place
Like everyone else in this rat race
Jeezus, it's like some jackasses never learn ...
The Question I want to know
is one for Mr Brandow
Last night was the Cary Hoops Championship game
I hope he did not come u lame.
So Brent, How did it go?
the Haiku Master gives limericks a go
Dice K is going to blow
The sox are wasting their money
but i find it very funny
They paid 100 million for another Hideo Nomo!
I'm guessing Brent's game was a folly
Other team so big he said "Gollee"
Then he wished he'd hired Serge Zwikker
With him, at least their hopes would flicker
Instead, he got schooled by Migjen Bakalli
If you could have anything for Christmas what would it be?
For me that's really easy to see.
A Learjet, Citation or a pretty Beaver.
But selfish I don't want to be here.
I would give my wish to Brent so he could have a yellow scooter and the key.
Hell yeah we won. Now i will hiberante for the winter.
You chumps know i'm the champ
We'd settle it on the court but you'd fake a cramp
This streetball legend from the LBC
Will break your ankles and in your pants pee
No jumpin punks couldn't throw my shit with a ramp
Cheryl's daughter was definitely a babydoll
Drew stares from wall to wall
The HR 'bot had good genes
Her girl wore the hell out of some jeans
If they ever made another sale I'd dance with her under that disco ball
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