Limerick Friday #648: That's Fan Sentiment The Mets Are Flushing -- Day 2,090

Sugar and Polar Bear out the door

And looking at maybe more

Not considering the fans

As part of offseason plans

That's the only thing that's for sure

Made more than one roster tweak

Went on a three-game winning streak

Grabbed a playoff spot

Way to go, Scott

Now's the time to be bold and not meek

Boasts were made

Players were paid

Even though it's early

The fanbase is getting surly

Time to produce, Will Wade

Every hard lesson he learns

The more vitriol he earns

When sentiment has gotten you zero

The Mets need some kind of hero

Would not want to be David Stearns

A reputation I protect

For teammates I don't respect

Roll in like asses

And piss off the masses

An approach I flatly reject

Last time ...

Day 2,066, Quasi-Quarantine: Hey Look, It's That Kind Of Season Again!

The Scooters are in the midst of a three-game losing streak (5-6 overall), and I really wish there was something on the roster I could point to as the culprit. But the reality is that, beyond the relatively normal litany of injuries, there's nothing tangible to point to.

Except:

• Dudes you first heard of like a week ago being picked up the day before the games and going for 30+ points against you (see Tucker, Sean).
• Opponents with shite rosters having the week of their lives on the weekend they happen to play you (I'm the league leader in fantasy points scored against by a large margin).
• Impossible-to-bench superstar players turning in weekly performances that pale in comparison to practice-squad call-ups (see Jefferson, Justin).

It's also a strange-ass league. Not only do we operate under a Premier League format that features annual relegations, but I've had two owners back out of trades they proposed. There is no interaction in the league message boards, no chat exchanges (not even to shit-talk), and trade requests come through via an automated mechanism that features no explanation.

I mean, hell, there's someone in the league carrying four quarterbacks, three tight ends, and two defenses! He's fucking 6-4. 

Look, I've been playing fantasy football for more than a quarter-century at this point (jeezus, that hurt to type). You're simply going to encounter a season where everything feels stacked against you, from injuries to randos having career days against you on the regular to trade offers that feel designed to incite violence.

I've experienced this type of season before. While the natural reaction is to toss up your hands -- especially when you legitimately struggle to see how or where you'd improve your roster -- I'm reminding my crew that there are still three weeks left in the regular season.

Onward. 

Now who the fuck is Emari Demercado ...

Limerick Friday #646: Yet More Grist For A Most-Awaited Obit -- Day 2,602

The latest scandal does really smell

But it's hard to actually tell

What will rattle his sycophants

Enough for them to pull up their pants

Hoping that sound is a death knell

Performances for the trash bins

Offset by easy wins

A different team every week

Collective schizophrenia at its peak

How do you figger the goddam 'Fins?

The Triangle media's afraid

After years being lazy and paid

Wolfpack hoops needs attention

From reporters with anal retention

Chalk it up to freaking Will Wade

Another Aaron Judge MVP snore

Critical thinking by votes was poor

The catcher got jobbed

You could even say robbed

Cal Raleigh deserved the award more

After horseshit luck in bunches

Decided to start playing hunches

Then things got even more rough

And lost to someone named Tyler Shough

And this is why I now just drink my lunches

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #645: Another Epic Night At The Finley -- Day 2,057

Carter-Finley was lit

The crowd would barely sit

In the seasonal cold

The Wolfpack got bold

Memories created as the field we hit

Another ridiculous fantasy loss

My hands I did toss

So I'm changing my tack

And trading for a viable back

Swinging for the fences as Scooters boss

The reaper took the long way

But all evil does finally pay

Burn in hell, Dick

You criminal prick

It's a helluva start to today

So many screams and screeds

Who actually hears and heeds?

Thought Stephen A. Smith was ignored years ago

But ESPN has tripled down on his show

Who actually listens to these anal beads?

Giving up the most points

'Tis a kick in the beans and joints

Third in points scored

But I can't afford

The BS that fantasy football anoints

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #642: A Hoosier Of A Whirlwind Time -- Day 2,036

Predictably, the Pack laid an egg

May be time to sweep Doeren's leg

The Colts salvaged the trip

Around Indiana did we rip

Now I need a couch and a keg

Above average, more or less

Though the luck's been a mess

Unlikely opponent games

From fucking no-names

That's fantasy football, I guess

What would make UNC more of a snake?

If they were on the Saudi take!

Who are they trying to fool?

A joke of a fucking school

And will always be a fraud and a fake

A key win to go to 4-2

A romp was good to see, true

Made some shrewd moves

Got the team in good grooves

Now the Scooters gotta see it through

Of regrets, I'd be remiss

And long would be that list

An ache bittersweet as persimmon

For all kinds of redheaded women

That I ain't supposed to kiss

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #641: Off On A Midwest Football Weekend -- Day 2,030

Headed off to Indy

And climes more windy

To see the Colts game

And if State beats Notre Dame

I'll do a hotel-pool Triple Lindy

The Mets just choked

The 'Fins getting smoked

State missed a golden chance

Now all I've got are rants

Because every joke I've already joked

The state of the Scooters

Has me doing shooters

Rebuilding the roster

Tossing every impostor

'Til I wake up .500 in a Hooters

"Follow the herd" bitches

Got me rolling in stitches

Pissing their pants perceptibly

In fear of Belicheat pre-emptively

Now UNC is steering straight into ditches

Of sanity they're bereft

Of morality, there's no heft

A government with no frontal lobe

Got me looking at the globe

Wondering if there's anywhere free left

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #640: Embarrassment Reigns Again In Queens For The No-Shame Mets -- Day 2,023

A collapse for the ages

Happened in stages

But we've seen it all before

It's part of Mets lore

You have to laugh through the rages

Usually enjoy the Ryder Cup

But the world's got me all shook up

Embarrassed to be American now

Always asking what, why, and how

So I definitely was rooting for Europe

The talent is beyond thin

Coach is a dead man walkin'

But fuck the Jets

So celebrate, let's

For our first (and maybe only) win

Break up the Big Four

They're frauds at the core

Play grabass at crunch time

Then choke when it's on the line

This is the Mets, less or more

The league logo should be a tool

Every goddam owner a fool

Offering asinine trades

Or reneging in spades

Guess I'll just take 'em all to school

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #639: Once-Proud Franchise Continues Wandering In The Wilderness -- Day 2,009

Been listening to this same song

For entirely too goddam long

Another tank job from the 'Fins

I see it before it happens

But just once I'd like to be fucking wrong

A country in need of a vacation

Embracing fascism without hesitation

Every truth is a lie

That will make another person die

Welcome to Gaslight Nation

Often play lazy and dumb

The Mets make me crazy and numb

So rely on every rook

And let the phenoms cook

And hope it's enough to overcome

Keep running into buzzsaws

Now injuries without pause

A third of the roster hurt

Now pick ourselves up from the dirt

And break all the fantasy football laws

Find good where you can

Then get up and do it again

Overwhelming it can feel

That's part of the deal

Happy is possible now and then

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #638: Belicheat Embarrasses Every Chapel Shill -- Day 1,995

The bandwagon couldn't wait to applaud

And pretended to be suitably awed

The local media cupped his balls

Ignoring his cheating and falls

'Til they recognized a fellow fraud

Bobby Kennedy was a hero of mine

The most promising of his line

Now his son is killing kids

And selling out to the highest bids

Of American destruction, just the latest sign

Par for the course at UNC

Hoping to skip steps 1, 2, and 3

Tried to buy a culture and team

They've always been more "to seem"

Rather than "to be"

In football's return we bask

But so many questions to ask

Can the Wolfpack compete?

Can the Scooters repeat?

And how many issues can the 'Fins mask?

A heartless, creepy old man

Lies and deceives each spineless fan

On the young he preys

While every sycophant obeys

Trump or Belicheat -- decide if you can

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #629: "Star Wars" Finds Balance In The Dramedy Force-- Day 1,767

"Skeleton Crew" was a delight

Livening up Tuesday night

It's "Goonies" in space

We all did embrace

I miss it already, all right

Sloppy and one-dimensional play

Crushing losses the order of the day

Injuries and missed shots every night

This is NC State's plight

The Final Four feels so far away

"Severance" back tonight

"Silo" is trying with might

It all seems must-see

Across Apple TV

Bringing great stories to light

A playoff fantasy team

Trying to hold together at the seam

Tricky to navigate

Difficult to speculate

Enter that Galfianakis math meme

Fantasies bordering the absurd

Thought you could quit with a word

But the curves didn't quit

A hold that doesn't diminish a bit

Powerless against the Jaybird

Last time ...

Day 1,765, Quasi-Quarantine: The Scooters Make A Triumphant Return To Fantasy Football Land

 

My first experience in fantasy football in a few years was a reminder of how much I missed league play. Spending 20 years in an incredibly competitive 14-team league could be really demanding and intense, so joining a relegation league on one side of a 12-team slate was a welcome re-entry to the game.

Powered by a draft-day steal (Baker Mayfield in the ninth round), a shrewd trade (picking up Sam Darnold for Tony Pollard), and a straight-up freak (Ja'Marr Chase), the Scooters won the championship. I used the cash prize to upgrade my vinyl system 👌

Continuing the season, I accepted an invitation to join a playoff fantasy football league, which is a new challenge for me. We used a spreadsheet draft (thanks, Microsoft Teams) to build a roster out of playoff teams, with the approach being that you only accrue points cumulatively from players who are still active throughout the postseason.

So we'll see how that goes, as I acquired a co-GM in my son. No matter what happens, this has been a really fun and entertaining re-introduction to fantasy football, bringing back some cool memories (and yes, a little cursing of bad luck) along the way.

Go Scooters! 🏆

Day 1,731, Quasi-Quarantine: After Lo So Many Years, The Scooters Enter The Playoffs On A High Note

 

Heading into the final contest of my fantasy league's 14-game regular season, I was tied with the leader with a 9-4 record. Behind Sam Darnold and Ja'Marr Chase, I put up 166 points to win going away for my third straight victory to secure the regular-season title.

I ended up in an incredibly competitive 12-team relegation league, with four teams finishing at 9-5 and two more finishing at 8-6. As a further measure of competitiveness, two owners made more than 40 transactions during the course of the campaign.

The Scooters finished as the runner-up in points scored (by six points) and went a perfect 6-0 in away games (lol). The first-round bye is absolutely vital, so that was a coup for my squad.

For the last couple of years, I had been helping my son with his team, so steering my own club again revealed how much I had missed being in a league. 

After 20 years in the Wolfpack Fantasy Football League (WFFL, RIP), resuscitating the Scooters was the right decision.

Go, team!

Limerick Friday #627: Weeks Of So, So Many Losses -- Day 1,697

Racism won

Plus love of the gun

We chose the criminal zoo

Time to look somewhere new

America had a solid run

Still not over the Mets

Almost as good as it gets

A season to remember

Even in November

Do it again next year, lets

So many now gones

Dikembe to James Earl Jones

Pete Rose bid adieu

Fernando Valenzuela, too

Childhood memories called home

6-3 is OK, I guess

Two L's by 10 points or less

The Scooters are back

For talent, we don't lack

Kinda missed fantasy, I confess

By the Final Four run, we're haunted

Not the football team we wanted

Early oil we did leak

But improving week by week

Let's finish strong and undaunted

Last time ...

Day 1,660, Quasi-Quarantine: October Has Arrove. Queens Is Already Salvaging It.

 

• I just lost a fantasy football game after having a 98% chance to win on Monday night.
• NC State is woefully underperforming after being saddled with huge expectations (stop me if you've heard this one before).
• The Dolphins might be the worst team in the NFL.

But the Mets. 

My god, the Mets.

Limerick Friday #626: Fantasy Football Drags Me Back In Like Michael Corleone -- Day 1,634

At long last a fantasy draft

At many of the picks, I laughed

It's been a minute

Feels good to be in it

I believe I have skills in this craft

The summer went by in a flash

School has hit with a crash

New routines and friends

Oh, the feelings it sends

Along with emotions that smash

The verge of another season

The 'Fins now give us reason

To hope against hope

But will fate say "Nope"

Despite all the talent we're teasin'?

Lack of leadership skills

Leads to errors and spills

Awful promotions and hires

Though it sickens and tires

Should I die on these hills?

Against all odds and bets

They've put on the jets

Eyes on a wildcard spot

And whether you like it or not

Here come the fucking Mets

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #458: Godspeed To Normy, Plus FF Done Got Me Again

Jokes and laughs without end
Stubborn and refused to bend
Loved the Pack, he sure did
Rest in peace, grinning Kid
'Twas lucky to call you my friend

After a season so full of sucks
And so many shits and fucks
Doeren had to cover his arse
And make some assistants sparse
And fired a beleaguered Coach Hux

With contemporary issues it does wrassle
All of them weighty, not facile
Xenophobia and racism and more
Against the backdrop of constant war
Important work, "The Man in the High Castle"

The 'Fins have won about three mo'
Than anyone thought befo'
Bitched the Iggles
Which gave me the giggles
We've got something in Coach Flo

Luck bordering on obscene
More injuries than ever scene
So I say loudly to one and all
Fuck fantasy football
The same as it's ever been

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #457: "Castle Rock" Is Back With A Blast, Plus It's All Crashing Down Around Elliott

"Castle Rock" has Annie Wilkes on board

An intense backstory, good lord

Stephen King just got even funner

Season 2 is a freaking stunner

Lizzy Kaplan needs every award

A Rookie of the Year rules the town

A Cy Young winner mowing them down

Polar Bear crushed balls without reason

de Grom, another impeccable season

Yet the Mets still without a division crown

The injured have become a pile

While Goff misfires by a mile

A player lost each week

This year is just peak

Fantasy football Scooters style

Points leader losing games

Bad luck may be to blame

But isn't it strange

That the leagues change

Yet the horseshit stays the same

A "Mr. Robot" swan song

Intensity has been there all along

Elliott with memories suppressed

Split personalities to digest

Hacking capitalism cannot be wrong

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #455: HBO Wins Most, Loses Some, Plus The Beautiful Campiness Of "Black Spot"

Purveyor of comedy sublime

John Oliver is hard to rhyme

A stammering Brit

Who's funny as shit

A legitimate hero for our time

A comeback loss like a sneak attack

For bitterness, it did not lack

When that's how it goes

It's how you knows

That fantasy football is back

HBO intrigued with a new show

Then it got stupid and slow

"Righteous Gemstones" ran outta gas

Not enough John Goodman, alas

Great premise without any get up and go

As the tank got rank

And the culture sank

The fans got pissed

And players got dissed

My only approach: just to drank

With eerie atmosphere it does scare

One character translates to "Teddy Bear"

The foreboding woods of France

With mysticism the show does dance

"Black Spot" is stellar Netflix fare

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #453: The Staggering Genius of Flowers, Plus A Hole Where Fantasy Football Used To Be

Humor that only empowers

Drama that brings tears like showers

The brutalities of mental illness

Shattering the English stillness

The sublime brilliance of "Flowers"

After a decade, the story kept livin'

Despite pettiness and relationships riven

"Deadwood" returned intact

HBO's best ensemble cast, a fact

At the first Swearingen curse, all forgiven 

A staggering heat makes you number

As you mow to the tunes of Joe Strummer

You hit the pool and the beach

To camps and meets out of reach

All for a porch beer: This is summer

It returned just like it came

Amid subtitles and mystery and flame

A second season dropped out of the sky

Like a time travelin', cave-dwellin' guy

"Dark" vexes and intrigue stayed the same

Two decades of depth charts and boasters

Of rankings written on beer coasters

The WFFL was a tent post

When things got fucked up the most

An underestimated loss, I raise a glass to my toasters

Last time ...

Limerick Friday #447: Gase's Dolphins Are A-dam Shame, Plus Jimmy McGill Becomes Saul Goodman

Let me state my case
To fire one Adam Gase
His ego can't fit in the buildin'
While his record is worse than Joe Philbin
Another mistake it's time to erase

A team of bust after bust
Without any players to trust
Those who aren't busts are hurt
I guess I'm no fantasy expert
But I have lots of new words I've cussed

Too many chefs in the kitchen
Leads to stallouts and bitchin'
Or maybe no Indians and too many chiefs
If you're allowed to say that with beefs
Maybe it's "open" we should be ditchin'

The Pack came in riding high
'Til Doeren left 'em high and dry
Clemson bitched 'em up and down
Let Dabo treat 'em like a clown
Regroup and reset and retry

"Better Call Saul" getting a bit grim
As McGill becomes the Goodman him
Beautiful and sad
When you know who breaks bad
The ballad of Jimmy and Kim

Last time ...