You’re Going To Do Less Shite Than Ever This Month

Even if your cube isn’t equipped with a Beer Launching Fridge, it’s going to be difficult to hide the fact that the “Big Dance” has overtaken your brain. But it’s OK … your bosses know that you’re more concerned with NCAA reports than TPS reports, that you’re more focused on hoops brackets than Excel spreadsheets and that you’re more involved in halftime speeches than motivational speakers.

A recent survey revealed that there will be an estimated $1.2 billion in lost productivity during the NCAA Tournament. Employees are predicted to spend an average of 13.5 minutes on various hoops sites, which translates to $3.78 in average hourly wages. Live streaming video of tourney games could add to the lack of productivity and a simultaneous increase in mysterious sicknesses – think the West Bracket Virus instead of the West Nile Virus.

With 22 million workers nationwide expected to check results on college basketball Web sites during the tourney, there are two approaches that businesses can take to account for the three-week-long presence of the “Road to the Final Four.” One, companies can try to turn it into a way of boosting morale and fostering conversations and interpersonal relationships, hosting small viewing parties during lunch hours or offering refreshments related to the tournament. Or, companies can attack the trend … which, apparently, 6 percent of businesses surveyed apparently intend to do. How? By installing tracking software that will monitor where employees are pointing their browsers and offering periodic reminders that they should be working and not concerned with the basketball going on. Come to think of it, you can probably tell a lot about the company you are working for and your long-term prospects with that organization by which approach they take to deal with March Madness.

Either way, I trust you’ll find a way to follow your brackets, get a modicum of work done and enjoy the country’s premier sporting event all at the same time. Or, if you think random thuggery and Rucker Park hoops is the pinnacle of the sport, you can watch an NBA game and hope to witness six different misdemeanors, a possible felony, no charges drawn and zero bounce passes. The choice is yours … but HR is waiting for your answer.

A capsule look at “Big Dance” predictions form Scooter the Irish:

Pool One (“Blind Midget Patrol”):
Elite Eight: No. 1 Florida vs. No. 3 Oregon (Midwest); No. 1 Kansas vs. No. 2 UCLA (West); No. 4 Texas vs. No. 2 Georgetown (East); No. 1 Ohio State vs. No. 3 Texas A&M (South)
Final Four: No. 1 Florida (Midwest); No. 1 Kansas (West); No. 2 Georgetown (East); No. 3 Texas A&M (South)
Title Game: No. 1 Florida vs. No. 3 Texas A&M
Champion: No. 1 Florida (86-79)

Notable Upsets (by region):
Midwest: No. 11 Winthrop over No. 6 Notre Dame, No. 10 Georgia Tech over No. 7 UNLV
West: No. 12 Illinois over No. 5 Virginia Tech, No. 10 Gonzaga over No. 7 Indiana
East: No. 8 Marquette over No. 1 UNC, No. 11 George Washington over No. 6 Vanderbilt, No. 10 Texas Tech over No. 7 Boston College
South: No. 12 Long Beach State over No. 5 Tennessee, No. 12 Long Beach State over No. 4 Virginia


Pool Two (“Tyler’s Deviated Septums”):
Elite Eight: No. 1 Florida vs. No. 3 Oregon (Midwest); No. 1 Kansas vs. No. 2 UCLA (West); No. 4 Texas vs. No. 2 Georgetown (East); No. 1 Ohio State vs. No. 3 Texas A&M (South)
Final Four: No. 1 Florida (Midwest); No. 1 Kansas (West); No. 4 Texas (East); No. 3 Texas A&M (South)
Title Game: No. 1 Kansas vs. No. 3 Texas A&M
Champion: No. 1 Kansas (78-71)

Notable Upsets:
Midwest: No. 10 Georgia Tech over No. 7 UNLV, No. 10 Georgia Tech over No. 2 Wisconsin
West: No. 13 Holy Cross over No. 4 Southern Illinois, No. 11 VCU over No. 6 Duke
East: No. 12 Arkansas over No. 5 USC, No. 14 Oral Roberts over No. 3 Washington State
South: No. 10 Creighton over No. 7 Nevada

Don’t Leave The Couch Without It

Have you been looking for the quintessential must-have March Madness purchase?

A co-worker recently stumbled across the phenomenal Beer Launching Refrigerator. Inventor John Cornwell has managed to singlehandedly challenge the belief that all Duke students and graduates are frightened-of-the-real-word, unbathed, English-struggling dorks-hiding-as-elitists while also destroying the perception that a Dookie has never actually contributed anything worthwhile to the average American. Of course, whether the Beer Launching Refrigerator can be linked as the catalyst to the Duke Lacrosse Scandal remains to be seen, but hey … this is a day for celebrating. (P.S. If you’re a tool and you are interested in the actual science, bells and whistles that go into making this thing work, click here. Then kick yourself in the cornflakes.)


The Hole - video powered by Metacafe

The Beer Launching Refrigerator is deadly accurate up to 15 feet and holds 10 beers, meaning that if you can train your dog to reload the mini-fridge, grab a box of Depends, order delivery from your cell phone and adequately juggle four remote controls, you could conceivably never have to move from your spot on the shoulder of the Road to the Final Four. Couch sores and the twitching that comes along with Clark Kellogg’s incessant hand-speaking are obstacles, to be sure, but you’re a trooper. And if you just can’t handle Dickie V. or “One Shining Moment” for even one moment longer, well … you can always adjust the launch codes of your Beer Launching Refrigerator to send a Schaeffer Light directly through your idiot box.

And obviously, it doesn’t take a giant leap of faith to envision a lull of boredom during the Long Beach State-Central Connecticut State game, which leads to a drunken bout of shite-talking, which leads to programming the suds launcher to whip Natty Lights at your “friends” at roughly 38 miles per hour. A warning label and an accompanying Tyler Hansbrough face mask could be helpful additions to this offering at some point. But we’ll let the rocket (beer-launch) scientists work out the details.

In the meantime, put this item on your March Madness wish list, and keep your heads up … and bottoms up!

Stand-Up Community Takes Another Hit

Comedian and actor Richard Jeni committed suicide over the weekend in West Hollywood, California. The 45-year-old was my favorite stand-up comedian, appeared in a variety of films, was a writer for Chris Rock and authored perhaps the greatest stand-up special title of all time on HBO: “A Big Steaming Pile of Me.”

I saw Jeni locally at Charlie Goodnight’s years ago and considered him a master of a dying art, as judged by a couple of his one-liners:

About Chicago:
“I think that’s how Chicago got started: a bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'”

On a bad fisherman:
“He couldn't catch a yeast infection if he f#%ked Betty Crocker without a condom!”

His loss is a big one for the comedy world, putting him among the ranks of gone-too-early fallen funny men such as John Belushi, Phil Hartman, Chris Farley, Sam Kinison and others. You’ll be missed, Richard Jeni.

Green Day Had It Right All Along ...

Why am I not surprised that half these "interviews" were conducted in a Wal-Mart parking lot? To be fair, the interviewees did mispell "surprisingly" (as "suprisingly") in the video, significantly bumping up the Irony Factor.

Limerick Friday XXII: March Madness Arrives

The Pack ruined the Weasel’s night
He’ll blame Gerald Henderson’s vicious right
NC State had too much for the Dookies
Now they’re off to steal someone else’s cookies
Whoever gets the Red and White is in for a fight

Will “W” pardon Libby and let corruption thrive?
Will he backslap the fall guy who took a dive?
Libby gives Scooters a bad name everywhere
Even the ones with impeccable hair
But the Prez is just trying to get his approval rating up to 35

Sports radio in the Triangle still blows
Why that is the case, nobody knows
Craziest ACC Tournament ever is underway
Still they talk about NASCAR and hockey today
620 the Bull sucks and that’s just how it goes

946 billionaires around the world as we speak
Together, they make $3.5 trillion at their peak
Government gives them as many tax cuts they can
Then pass off the biggest taxes to the little man
I hope they all finally get a rap in the beak

March Madness is truly in full swing
Lots of losses that will make your bracket sting
Upsets abound for teams that don’t grow a pair
Dick Vitale just wet his pants on the air
It’s like the higher seed doesn’t mean a damn thing

Limer-inks

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Limerick Friday X

Limerick Friday XI

Limerick Friday XII

Limerick Friday XIII

Limerick Friday XIV

Limerick Friday XV

Limerick Friday XVI

Limerick Friday XVII

Limerick Friday XVIII

Limerick Friday XIX

Limerick Friday XX

Limerick Friday XXI

ACC Tourney Predictions: “Mask,” “West Side Story” and “Iron Eagle IV” All Rolled Into One

Earlier, Scooter & Hum broke down the ACC Tournament field. Today, we get down to bidness, make some by-god picks and sort out the bracket. Without further ado … giddyup …

THURSDAY, MARCH 8

Noon: #8 Clemson vs. #9 Florida State
Al Thornton is due for one of those climb-on-my-back games (*fill in your own UNC pedicure joke here*), and he isn’t going to be denied. Oliver Purnell is going to wonder how a 17-0 season went down the drain so quickly – and why he ruined a once-promising acting career by “starring” in “Iron Eagle IV.”
Winner: #9 Florida State

2 p.m.: #5 Maryland vs. #12 Miami
Brutal matchup for the Hurricanes, but when you finish last in the ACC, you don’t get much pull in who you play. Mike Jones has finally decided that he can be a scoring machine for Maryland, and that is bad news for the rest of the league. The Terrapins coast while Ekene Ibekwe spends most of the second half staving off rickets.
Winner: #5 Maryland

7 p.m.: #7 Duke vs. #10 NC State
Spin-control meister Coach Krazooski has done a phenomenal job of painting his Dookies as the victims and underdogs this year. The Devils’ intense denial defense is a bad fit for a State team whose only backup guard is the kid from “Mask”, but Engin Atsur is going to dial up a shutdown of Greg Paulus. With Courtney Fells taking John Scheyer out of the game and no Gerald Henderson, Dook is going to struggle to score. Migben BaCauley finally busts out of his slump for the Wolfpack in the tourney’s first big upset.
Winner: #10 NC State

9 p.m.: #6 Georgia Tech vs. #11 Wake Forest
The season highlight for “Bangs” Prosser and the Deacs came when they took the ACC regular-season title out of Virginia’s grasp. They’ve got a couple of athletic, young players and a big man in the middle, but Kyle Visser can’t stay out of foul trouble against the Yellow Jackets’ Ra’Sean Dickey and Jeremis Smith. Tech is playing its best ball of the season and Wake Forest is … well, they’re a football school now.
Winner: #6 Georgia Tech



FRIDAY, MARCH 9

Noon: #1 UNC-Chapel Hill vs. #9 Florida State
The Tar Heels don’t have a good candidate to check Al Thornton, but they do have 23 players to rotate and wear out a one-man team. Tywon Lawson will have his way with the drive-and-dish game, leaving little drama in this one after halftime. The only excitement will come when Tyler Hansbrough takes the floor in his newly fitted mask and officially states his case as the goofiest-looking ACC player since Rafael Vidauretta.
Winner: #1 UNC-Chapel Hill

2 p.m.: #4 Boston College vs. #5 Maryland
The Eagles have shown a propensity for sleepwalking through games, losing their composure and getting their arses handed to them lately. They’ve got a lot of guys who like to look for their own shots and don’t play defense when they don’t get them, which plays right into Maryland’s hands. The Terrapins thrive on forcing their tempo on other teams, with their pressing defense and flex offense. ACC Player of the Year Jared Dudley keeps his team in the game for a half or so, but the Terps pull away. Boston College responds by trying to trade Al Skinner to NC State for Sidney Lowe and a swimming coach to be named later.
Winner: #5 Maryland

7 p.m.: #2 Virginia vs. #10 NC State
It’s hard to beat a team three times in a single season in the ACC. The Wahoos haven’t shot as well late in the year and they blew their chance at the top seed, making this a tougher matchup than expected. Sean Singletary and J.R. Reynolds can do a lot, but they can’t do it all, especially against a Pack team that can slow the tempo down and beat you in the halfcourt. Brandon Costner hits the go-ahead three in the waning seconds and Jason Cain finds out that his porn ‘stache is good for catching tears.
Winner: #10 NC State

9 p.m.: #3 Virginia Tech vs. #6 Georgia Tech
A strong closing stretch by the Jackets earns them a berth in the NCAAs, but it comes to a close against the Hokies here. Defensive Player of the Year Jamon Gordon and backcourt mate Zabian Dowdell both made the ACC All-Defensive team, and they’ll put the clamps down on Tech rookie sensation Javaris Crittenton. In a fast-paced game, Virginia will prove to be the better of the Techs by doing just enough to get by. The Yellow Jackets pass the time on the bus ride home by trying to spell each other’s names (Palestinian barnstorming team or ACC hoops squad? You make the call: Alade Aminu, D’Andre, Paco Diaw, Crittenton, Ra’Sean, Mouhammad and Thaddeus)
Winner: #3 Virginia Tech



SATURDAY, MARCH 10

1:30 p.m: #1 UNC-Chapel Hill vs. #5 Maryland
The Heels don’t do well against teams that match their strength on the interior, and Ibekwe, James Gist, Bambale Osby and Will Bowers can hold off Hansbrough, Brandan Wright and Deon Thompson in the paint. Maryland’s backcourt is also more physical than UNC’s and Gary is the tougher big-game Williams coach than Roy. This one will be a nail-biter, but the Terrapins will manage just enough in the final seconds to eke(ne) one out. A really steamed Tar Heels team will take out their frustrations by going home and challenging the Blue Devils to a West Side Story-style dance-off rumble in a Durham pedicure parlor.
Winner: #5 Maryland

3:30 p.m. #3 Virginia Tech vs. #10 NC State
As we’ve established, it’s hard to beat a team three times in one year in the ACC. After sweeping Virginia Tech in the regular season, a depleted Pack squad finally runs out of gas after its third game in three days, falling to the more physical and deeper Hokies. The Wolfpack takes some small solace in the fact that Sidney Lowe makes it through three straight games without having to leave the bench. Of course, this fuels speculation that Lowe was, in fact, poisoned by a drunk Phil Ford during the State-UNC game at the Dean Dome a few weeks earlier.
Winner: #3 Virginia Tech



SUNDAY, MARCH 11

1 p.m.: #5 Maryland vs. #3 Virginia Tech
Years of bitching and moaning by Gary Williams have helped make an ACC Tournament outside of North Carolina a possibility. Unfortunately, when it was in Washington, D.C., a couple of years ago, relatively close to Maryland’s campus, the Terps folded like a cheap deck of cards in the opening round against Clemson. This time, though, Williams leads the hottest team in the country right through the Hokies, leaving Seth Greenberg merely to say, “Oy ve.” Sadly, the celebratory mood is dampened when Darryl Strawberry, the father of Maryland guard D.J., mistakes Terps point guard Greivis Vasquez for Keith Hernandez and assaults him at midcourt of the St. Pete Times Forum.
Winner: #5 Maryland

Is Anonymous The Greatest Unemployed Worker In The Land?

A colleague recently let me know about the release of the latest “Best of Young American Novelists,” a list compiled by the magazine Granta. The publication enlisted six judges to selected novelists under the age of 35 years old who are seen as up-and-coming stars in the literary world. Twenty-one wordsmiths were picked, receiving the prestigious honor of being considered one of the best young American novelists.

The catch? Seven of these lucky tours-de-force are unpublished.

Un.
Published.

As in “I haven’t put a novel out there. Just take my word for it, please. Please.”

As in “I can’t hand you my novel, but trust me, it is freaking great and I am a misunderstood genius.”

As in “Just wait ‘til I’m discovered. I’m mysterious like that.”

I’m confused (well … moreso than usual). Using this criterion as a standard, can I now claim to be America’s Greatest Young Football Coach?* One of the country’s Best Young Beer Drinkers?** Perhaps our nation’s premiere Young Midget Tosser***? Possibly the United States’ Most Promising Young Limerickist****? Even the land’s Top Young Boss Ridiculer and Sarcasticist?*****

So dream big, young bloggists, artists, search engine-ists and whatever-Will-does-isists … In the immortal words of Jerry Seinfeld, “I’m not sure how official any of these rankings really are.”

* Never technically coached a football game on any level.
** Never technically won a sanctioned drinking contest.
*** Never technically launched a wee person across a room (though I did curse at a blind dwarf with wrenched pants once).
**** Never officially recognized by one of the country’s limerick-judging organizations.
***** Never technically announced as such, though I should humbly say that I would win this hands-down.

It’s Tourney Time In Tampa, Toddlers

The 2007 ACC Tournament kicks off on Thursday afternoon in Tampa, Fla. Since football is over, “24” sucks, “Lost” is drowning and Britney hasn’t done anything interesting in hours, I figured I’d take a look at the field. Later in the week, I’ll make a few predictions to keep it interesting …

1. UNC
Wow. Lose vs. Duke and you are the fifth seed and have to play four games in four days. Win and you are the regular-season champ and top seed. Will Gerald Henderson’s elbow wake up a team that doesn’t seem to care sometimes? Will Roy Williams settle on a smaller rotation that makes sense? Will the freshmen respond to the tournament setting? How goofy will Tyler Hansbrough look with a mask on? These are a few of the questions surrounding the conference’s most talented, yet enigmatic, team.

2. Virginia
Dave Leitao may deserve Coach of the Year for bringing a team picked to finish eighth in the league to the brink of the regular-season title … but to lose to Wake Forest when you have a chance for the crown? Doesn’t that eliminate you from Coach of the Year consideration right there? Obviously, the Wahoos will go only as far as Sean Singletary and J.R. Reynolds take them, but this is a dangerous team when a third player plays well on any given night. The Cavaliers will hope that opponents are distracted by Jason Cain’s porn ‘stache so they can steal a win or two.

3. Virginia Tech
I’ve never seen Seth Greenberg madder than he was yesterday, and that’s saying something. He looked like someone ate the last knish while he wasn’t looking. Granted, the Hokies got screwed at the end against Clemson with a shot at the championship, but you can’t let yourself get to that position. VT has been playing somewhat over their heads this season, and unless Zabian Dowdell keeps playing lights-out, this could be a candidate for an early exit.

4. Boston College
The classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde team, you have to question the Eagles’ mental toughness. Here’s a squad that had two players suspended earlier in the year, managed to stay in the ACC race, then lost four out of five down the stretch. Against the Techs (Virginia and Georgia), BC simply got manhandled and lost their composure. In the pressure cooker that is the ACC Tournament, can they maintain their poise (yes, I’m trying to write this without using the word “thug”) and lean on likely Player of the Year Jared Dudley and whirling dervish Tyrese Rice? Not if they play No. 5 …

5. Maryland
Seven in a row in the ACC? Holy crap. Amazingly, the Terps are still a team that isn’t getting much pub, which is just the way Gary Williams likes it. Above all else, the Terrapins are just so physical and tough. With “General Greivis” Vasquez, D.J. Strawberry and Mike Jones on the perimeter to supplement a rugged frontline, nobody wants to play Maryland right now. What better way for Ebene Ibekwe to celebrate his decade of ACC hoops than with a trip to the finals? Williams is a terrific big-game coach who relishes the challenge of facing the teams that hog the headlines, so this may be another year to fear the turtle.

6. Georgia Tech
Rookie Javaris Crittenton just may be the best point guard in the league right now, and he’s getting plenty of help from bomber Anthony Morrow, versatile Thaddeus Young, and big men Ra’Sean Dickey and Jeremis Smith. If the Jackets have a solid leader, perimeter shooting, “glue” players and bruisers on the interior, what are they missing? Experience. The growing-pains part of their season may be behind them, but the league tourney is a difficult place to put such beliefs to the test. Plus, it has to be hard for Paul Hewitt to coach with that inchworm constantly itching his nose while he’s trying to berate an official.

7. Duke
The Blue Devils' bookstore may be getting a lot of requests for Gerald Henderson jerseys from around the league right now, but his absence for the first game of the ACC Tournament certainly won’t help Duke’s cause. This is still a team without an identity beyond Coach Krazooski’s trademark pressure, denial defense, and even if Greg Paulus has turned into an offensive threat, he hasn’t gotten much help from turnover machine Josh McBob, disappearing man DeMarcus Nelson and Public-Enemy-No. 1-in-waiting Jon Scheyer, who makes a lot of funny faces, but he hasn’t lived up to his reputation as a deadeye shooter just yet. Coach K and the intimidation factor will always give the Devils a legitimate chance, but this is the wrong year to have a weak bench, offensive woes and inexperience.

8. Clemson
The Tigers made a late bid for an NCAA Tournament berth with an impressive win at Virginia Tech, but they will have to win a couple in the league tourney to ensure a spot. Clemson started out 17-0, but then what happened? They remembered that they have to play in the ACC and that they are Clemson. Oliver Purnell has a couple of nice players at his disposal and the Tigers’ press can be stifling against teams with poor backcourts – but there aren’t many of those left in March. The good news is that Clemson can spend the rest of the offseason declining admission to UNC football recruits.

9. Florida State
A promising season derailed down the stretch for Leonard Hamilton, but anytime you have Al Thornton, you have a chance. Fresh off a 45-point outing, Thornton is a darkhorse pick for Player of the Year and an absolute matchup nightmare for just about anybody. He is actually reminding me of Tim Pickett, who was incredible a couple of years ago for the Seminoles and scared the crap out of anybody who had to try to check him. Unfortunately, Thornton is surrounded by underachievers and you can’t win four games in four days without significant help from a couple of inspired teammates. A bad idea would be to have Chuck Amato give the pregame pep talk …

10. NC State
The Pack has made for a good story all season long, knocking off UNC and sweeping Virginia Tech, but the frightening lack of depth has taken its toll every other game. State has enough juice to rise up and play a terrific game, but usually plays leg-weary and unfocused the next time out. That’s a recipe for disaster in the ACC Tournament. If Courtney Fells comes out of witness protection and Brandon Costner learns the art of the pass, NC State could be as dangerous as anyone. Expect a lot of references to the 1997 “Iron Five” that made a dramatic run to the tourney finals, but asking players to play 160 minutes in four days is too much for Sidney Lowe’s crew. But the best-dressed coach in America will certainly still look good if and when the Pack is dismissed.

11. Wake Forest
Skip Prosser has had another difficult year without Chris Paul, though the Deacs rose up and smacked Virginia on Senior Night. When Kyle Visser gets the ball and appears motivated, he’s a force down low, but as when Eric Williams wore the black and gold, those moments are few and far between. Instead, Wake Forest likes to jack it up from the outside and chill out on defense. The 406 Tampa octogenarians who show up for the 9 p.m. game on Thursday will likely get their first and only look Prosser’s legendary bangs.

12. Miami
Frank Haith has a roster littered with streaky shooters, but injuries and a lack of size have hamstrung the Hurricanes this year. Guards Anthony Harris, Dennis Clemente and Jack McClinton can occasionally shoot well enough to keep Miami in games, but sustaining accurate long-range shooting over the course of a tournament is a tough gig – if you’re not named Randolph Childress. As an added kick in the cornflakes, the ‘Canes drew the ACC’s hottest team, Maryland, in the first round. But hey … South Beach is a great place to hang out and watch the rest of the tourney.

Limerick Friday XXI: Mr. Anonymous Goes To Cary

After a one-week hiatus, Limerick Friday is back in full effect today, bigger and more nonsensical than ever. Without further ado ...

An Evan-Will war of words
About whether Will loses girls to nerds
Anonymous must be a drama queen
Stir up trouble, then slip away clean
Whoever you are, your posts are for the birds

March Madness time quickly draws near
You’ll learn new mascots like Banana Slug and Chanticleer
You’ll see Greg Gumble’s jerry curl every day
And realize Billy Packer has nothing good to say
Then you’ll piss away $10 on a pool and say, “Well, there’s always next year”

A Teflon vice president named Dick
For the Grim Reaper he’s far too quick
That dude’s like Friday the 13th’s Jason
He’s not worried even when his heart’s racin’
Grabs his shotgun and says, “I’ll never die, I’m way too slick”

Became a trailer bride, had a coupla kids, got left by K-Fed
Forgot to wear panties and shared Paris Hilton’s bed
My question amidst all this Britney smuck
Is, seriously, who really gives a f$#k?
There wasn’t half this much drama when Will shaved his head

A wee hobbit went north to celebrate a new season
Drank too much grog and looked pale beyond reason
Thought he would woo the fair princess
Yet wound up with a troll from the land of Hostess
Cried bitter hobbit tears and blamed the princess for teasin’

The ACC Tournament’s in Tampa Bay
Couldn’t think of a worse place to play
They don’t like hoops in the Sunshine State
Their elderly citizens are in REM sleep by eight
Bring it back to Greensboro, and there it should stay

Free agency starts today in the NFL
Millions of dollars thrown about at the sound of the bell
Rooting for an impact signing for the Dolphins
Someone who can help us finally get to nine wins
If it’s another Hebrew quarterback I’m going to give up and say, “What the hell”

Coach Lowe, you gotta get healthy, man
Maybe mix in a salad every now and again
Hit the treadmill when you have time
Then hydrate with water and a lime
Need you wearing that red jacket as long as you can

Saw John McCain on Letterman trying to quench his presidential thirst
Think you might want to figure out which party you’re in first
Cracked a coupla cheesy jokes
Even worked in a few Iraq pokes
But with Obama, Hillary, Edwards and more, your bubble may be burst

Off to the salon they sashay
Giddy as schoolgirls in May
They recline and whisper, “We need a pedicure for our toes
“Meany Coach Roy makes it hard for our nails to grows”
Now try to tell me being a Tar Heel isn’t gay

'Cuz Throws Hard And Stuff

In his first career start, my cousin John Cody threw five shutout innings and got his first college win at the University of New Orleans. He struck out seven and gave up just two hits in a 5-0 victory over Nicholls State in the first night game at Maestri Field since Hurricane Katrina hit. The Privateers have now won four in a row and stand at 6-5 on the season.

There were two things I liked in particular about his performance. First, he plunked the first batter. Good stuff, Johnny; keep those bastards honest and set the tone early. Second, he appears to have all the clichés down already:

"After I hit him, I had to gain my composure and move on," Cody told The Times-Picayune. "My defense played really well behind me, and our offense put the runs on the board … It was a cold day, and I threw a good game. We caught some balls, and really the team played good defense. It was a team win … [The relievers] were just phenomenal. They just came in and shut Nicholls down.”

Every good player in any sport masters the trite remarks toot-sweet. So keep it up, John … your ‘cuz is gonna need a fly new pad someday soon and your MLB millions are gonna come in handy.

Remember who played catch with you when he was drunk at our aunt’s wedding reception until my hand started to hurt and we began endangering obscure relatives’ lives …

Kurt In Reverse

Most of those who followed his rise and fall will tell you that Kurt Cobain of Nirvana was a mystery wrapped inside a riddle wrapped inside an enigma wrapped inside a stiff flannel shirt. Somehow, he managed to be both overrated and underrated at the same time. I never bought into the commonly held belief that he was the voice of Generation X (I think he would laugh at that if he were alive today ... and then throw up), but I also feel that he remains one of the most misunderstood and underrated musicians of the past generation.

Anyway, here is "Smells Like Teen Spirit" played backwards. The lyrics can be interpreted in a variety of ways. Some observers look at Cobain's fascination with his own death and use that to derive some truth, clue or meaning about his suicide in these words. Be your own judge.

"Thank You For Smoking" Suffers From Multiple Personality Disorder

Sometimes a good movie misses out on being a great movie simply because it couldn’t decide what it wanted to be. Most of us applaud directors who meld various genres or themes into one film, but sometimes we can also recognize when a director couldn’t quite decide. Unfortunately, I think Jason Reitman fell into this trap in his film “Thank You For Smoking.”

It’s not that this wasn’t an enjoyable flick. As a tobacco shill and spin-control wordsmith, Aaron Eckhart (as Nick Naylor) perfectly captured the smug depiction of a lobbyist who is easily able to disassociate himself from what he is doing, and William H. Macy is terrific as always as over-the-edge Vermont Senator Ortolan K. Finistirre. The M.O.D. (Merchants of Death) Squad meetings between Nick, Polly (Maria Bello, representing alcohol) and Bobby Jay (the hilarious David Koechner, repping firearms) were very funny and a nice touch. Hell, even Rob Lowe was actually pretty damn funny in a cameo, which is weird since I figured that, these days, he and Corey Haim sniffed airplane glue all day and hung out outside E! headquarters trying to get them to do another “True Hollywood Story” on them. There were a lot of laughs, even though I didn’t “laugh ‘til it hurts,” which is what Rolling Stone insisted I would do. In fact, your laughs actually start to acquire a nervous tinge when watching, because some of the “ridiculous” discourse and events are actually probably not very ridiculous at all. Like “Idiocracy,” the movie hits closer to home than many people are willing to admit, forcing you to cringe in your seat at times – as you chuckle involuntarily.

This was inarguably a humorous and clever film, but it suffered from its inherent schizophrenia. Was it supposed to be a satirical view of big tobacco? A father-son story wrapped inside larger issues? A redemption story about a man able to overcome his moral subjectivism? A scathing commentary on lobbyists in general? An attack on consumerism? A denouncement of the media and the lengths it will go to follow or create a story? A statement about the double standards of bureaucracy? Maybe my own confusion tainted my view of the film, since I had heard how funny it was and came in expecting a comedy with few thought-provoking plotlines. But this film did a good job of not taking sides and it managed to delve deep into the seamy underside of big business without going overboard.

You could argue that “Thank You For Smoking” can be viewed as a missed opportunity, but the bottom line is that it’s a fun, easy-to-watch flick. It’s just not great … though I think it could have been. I’ll always file it under my personal What Might Have Been category, but it’s still a movie you should check out at some point.

Q-List Celebrity Moment: Theo Von

You never know what you are going to see or experience at a wedding reception, especially a very large one filled with people you don’t know. At such moments, you can re-invent yourself as whoever you like, try to pick out the person most likely to be a wedding crasher (hint: it is usually the middle-aged guy with the rarified ‘stache-mullet combo who scoffs at signing the guestbook, then loudly introduces himself to the bartender with a “We gonna be good friends t’night, pardner!”), people watch like a champ and covertly pound free alcohol.

During the ceremony, I saw a severely underdressed person one-handing his communion during the Mass, and I realized that I actually somewhat recognized the dude. Being that I was in New Orleans, this would have been more than a coincidence. After wondering who he was and pointing him out to some fellow wedding-goers at the reception, a couple of the girls quickly announced that it was “Theo! You know, from ‘Road Rules’” (later, I would find out that I actually recognized him from “Last Comic Standing”). Shrugging, I didn’t think much of it, until I bumped into him at the bar later in the evening. He saw me ordering a beer and said, “What’s up, man.” After I returned the greeting, his girlfriend sidled up. She was a six-foot, brunette, anorexic, possibly coked-up model type, so apparently reality TV has treated him fairly well.

Anyway, I corralled the groom at one point and asked him how he knows the guy from “Flavor of Love,” and he laughed and said that Theo was his bride’s first boyfriend. I guess Theo has since changed his name from “Vonkurnatowksi” to “Von” and uses a lot of Hurricane Katrina jokes in his stand-up repertoire. Since he’s “from” New Orleans, he must have license to do so.

So there you have it … in the first (and probably only) installment of Q-List Celebrity Moment, I salute Theo Von. He seemed like a nice enough dude (you can even support him through his MySpace page), so I wish him good luck, many “Road Rules” reunions and several more minutes of psuedo-fame.

Limerick Friday Takes A Vacation

I just wanted to give the six people who read this site a heads-up that Limerick Friday is taking a hiatus tomorrow since I'll be out of town. We'll return in March ... zestier than ever! Now with more rhyming!

I leave you with a small peace offering and a plea to come back stronger than ever in a coupla weeks:

There once was a thug who defined low-class jackass
Thought he'd star as Pac Man in a real-life GTA San Andreas
He thought beating up strippers was fun
To add to the enjoyment he pulled a gun
Good luck "making it rain" in prison when Death Row Junkyard Jose makes a pass

Bradshaw Makes His Last Pass (Get It?) For THK

In perhaps a final distancing move from WebMarketCherishKeySmartInterRanking, Think Partnership Inc. parted ways with one-time president of consumer services George F. Douaire on February 16. Billed as a “voluntary resignation,” Douaire had his stock warrants voided and will not be allowed to compete against THK for the span of one year.

Our friend Tony dug up this information, so in his honor we will enjoy a final haiku about the man who began a presentation with photos of his children in front of Mount Rushmore and then commenced to immediately skeezing on employees (here's a poem dedicated to him from one of his biggest fans).

Curious George lies
Bullish on a sinking ship
Kodak still loves you

Farewell, Terry Bradshaw. We hardly knew ye.

Time Killers For Round Eyes

This is a slightly creepy, mildly entertaining and quite amusing site in case you are looking for a way to pass the time. It was created by Short Round as a way to kill a few minutes while Indy heated up the monkey brains. Giddyup.

Dookie V. and Coach K: A Very Public Love Affair

Clever job, though the creator could have gone a lot deeper with some of the "classy" Dook players who have come through (Shelden Williams, Cory Maggette, Chris Duhon, etc.) and some of the stories that have been buried under the Coach K tyranny ... I mean, the guy had a fire code reversed?!

Anyway, enjoy ...

You're Not Supposed To Watch This Movie ...

“Idiocracy,” Mike Judge’s first live-action feature since cult classic “Office Space” (1999), was released to DVD on January 9. It’s now gaining momentum as The Film That Fox Didn’t Want You To See, proving that the harder a bureaucracy tries to hide something, the more the populace wants to see it (it grossed $8.2 million in rentals in its first month of availability). After all, any publicity is good publicity. Well, except for Britney.

Without giving too much of the film away, here goes … Private Joe Bowers (Luke Wilson) is your quintessential Average Joe, and since he has no family or prospects, he is selected as the guinea pig for a secret military project, along with a hooker named Rita (Maya Rudolph). When the hibernation experiment goes awry and the test subjects wake up 500 years in the future instead of just one, hilarity ensues.

This movie has some very clever explanations for the regressive dumbing down of America, based mostly on trailer park dwellers reproducing like bunnies while yuppies sacrifice parenthood for careers … resulting in the lowest common denominator eventually ruling the world. That’s just one of the reasons why Joe and Rita wake up to a country that has a House of Representin’, a President who is a champion wrestler, a Starbucks that doles out sexual acts and a Cabinet that is sponsored by Carl’s, Jr. (new tag line? “F$#k you! I’m eating!”), plus has seen the de-evolution of Fuddrucker’s into Buttf&^@*ers.

The film’s distributor, 20th Century Fox, dropped the movie to a limited release, based mostly on the movie’s sarcastic criticism and depiction of Fox News and the media in general. The flick – originally titled “The United States of Uhh-merica” – also rails against corporate America and consumerism, fueling speculation that Fox (here’s a searing condemnation of the network) didn’t want to anger current and potential advertisers.

As a result, any success the movie might enjoy will likely have to come in the underground, cult level, but it is certainly worth checking out. Even if you don’t appreciate the in-your-face irony and satire, there are more than enough easy laughs to go around.

It’s Good To Be A Pack Fan

It was one of those weekends where you could puff your chest out like Tuffy the Wolf and howl about NC State.

Coach Sidney Lowe’s Pack blasted 25th-ranked Virginia Tech, 81-56, on Sunday at the RBC Center, shooting a scintillating 67% from the floor. The victory gave State a season sweep of Virginia Tech, with both wins coming by double-digits. The Hokies had already swept UNC and were fighting for the top spot in the ACC, as well as trying to sweep the Triangle, already boasting wins at Chapel Hill and Duke. The Wolfpack never gave them a chance, getting everyone involved and hitting shots from all over the building. I wound up relishing the 25-point beatdown, but wishing we could have saved about 20 of those points for Wednesday’s rematch with the Heels at the Dean Dome.

On the women’s side, Friday started with ESPN.com releasing a moving and inspirational story about coach Kay Yow, who is enduring her third bout with breast cancer. That evening, the floor at Reynolds Coliseum was named Kay Yow Court … then NC State went out and beat second-ranked UNC, 72-65. As if that weren’t enough, the Wolfpack Women earned their 20th win of the year Sunday afternoon, with a 68-63 victory at Virginia Tech.

For the Pack faithful, the weekend had it all … a near-perfect performance, emotion, inspiration and a win over a rival. It was a welcome stretch of days in a month that has been bitterly cold and gray both on and off the court. Congratulations to Coach Yow, Coach Lowe and all of the Wolfpack!

Limerick Friday XX: The Return of Vanilla Millie

What the hell, Tim Hardaway?
Talking about hating everyone who is gay
It’s always better to be thought an idiotic lout
Than to open your mouth and remove all doubt
Remember that next time you have something to say

Now Bush is setting his sights on Iran
Gung-ho to start another war while he can
Says they’ve got deadly bombs, it seems
They must be right next to those WMDs
Sure as hell wish it was 2008 already, man

Another wasted episode of “Lost”
I wonder how much that one cost?
The story is not moving forward
Desmond sees the future, I (bored) heard
I saw the future too and your ratings got tossed

Swept by freaking Virginia Tech?!
Heels lovers saying, “What the heck?!”
So go ahead, Roy, and take a bow
Whose brownies got stolen now?
Your team’s playing like a Hebrew with no neck

Proof of the world’s end: a Milli Vanilli flick
Hollywood has to got to be down to its very last trick
Maybe Tim Hardaway can star
With Isaiah Washington admiring him from afar
Between takes they could discuss the merits of dude-on-dude $#%*

Limer-inks

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Limerick Friday X

Limerick Friday XI

Limerick Friday XII

Limerick Friday XIII

Limerick Friday XIV

Limerick Friday XV

Limerick Friday XVI

Limerick Friday XVII

Limerick Friday XVIII

Limerick Friday XIX

Jimmy V Always Did Have Perspective

After a third straight loss, the NC State hoops team has hit the proverbial wall. Of the six scholarship players that the Wolfpack uses, one (freshman Dennis Horner) has a broken nose and wears a mask, another (sophomore Courtney Fells) has a bruised tailbone and had to sit out almost all of the second half last night, and a third (senior Engin Atsur) is still at about 70% with a hamstring injury. Throw in some shaky rotations, some lackadaisical play by a couple of different players and sheer exhaustion, and it's no wonder the Pack is freefalling and in danger of missing out on even the NIT.

Wolfpack Nation is in serious need of some good mojo ... for that, we will always turn to Jim Valvano.

Scooter Finds Illeism Quite Confusing

One of the greatest episodes on the greatest TV show of all-time was centered around third-person references. On Seinfeld’s “The Jimmy,” the title character constantly refers to himself by his own name … confusion and hilarity ensue:

Jimmy: "Jimmy doesn’t like misunderstanding … Jimmy and misunderstanding kinda clash."

Jerry: "You said, ‘George likes spicy chicken.’"
George: "No I didn't."
Elaine: "Yes, you did. You said, ‘George likes spicy chicken.’"
Jerry: "You're turning into Jimmy."
George: "George is getting upset!"

Jimmy: "Well, Jimmy's very unusual."

That real-life sitcom, Rickey Henderson, elevated third-person references to an art form. Even Wikipedia recognizes this phenomenon, writing, “Henderson has also been reported to take practice swings in the locker room in front of a mirror completely naked while repeatedly saying, ‘Rickey’s the best! You tha man, Rickey!’”

One of the few teams that Henderson didn’t play for was the Chicago Cubs, but a current Windy City player has apparently been visited by the illeist (Scooter learned a new word today) spirit of Rickey. According to ESPN.com, Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano has been stumping for a new contract, saying, “If they don't sign me, sorry, but I must go. That's what Carlos Zambrano thinks.” If that wasn’t enough, he took the third-person reference to new heights by invoking a nickname – a self-imposed, little-known one!

“[Cubs general manager] Jim [Hendry] spent a lot of money,” he said. “I hope he has more for 'Big Z.’”

It’s enough to make Jimmy roll over in his grave and make Scooter shake his head ... because illeism makes Scooter weep for the future.

"The Diamond Is Forever"

Now that the college baseball season is officially upon us, here's a story on Wolfpack pitcher Andrew Brackman that I wrote for the March 2007 issue of Pack Pride. "Brack" used to play both baseball and basketball for State, but since he's considered one of the top couple of prospects for this year's Major League Baseball Draft, he elected to just play baseball this year for the Pack. Click here if you're interested in reading the article.

On a side note, my cousin, John Cody, is a freshman pitcher for the University of New Orleans this year. He was redshirted last year because he was one of many UNO students transferred to the University of Nevada after Hurricane Katrina hit. After a tough year and some second-guessing, he is back with the Privateers and hoping to make an impact this season. Best of luck, John!

“DiePods” Fuel Unwinnable Human-On-Vehicle War

I see people using iPods everywhere … in the mall, on walking trails, in their cars, at coffee shops, while running, on bikes, in the grocery store. But I have yet to see someone wearing one walk directly into an oncoming vehicle.

Apparently, I haven’t spent enough time in the Big Apple. Since September, three pedestrians using iPods have been killed in the Brooklyn area alone. The tale of a 23-year-old Brooklyn man walking into the path of a bus while donning iPod headphones generated a buzz about the phenomenon recently, and New York Senator Carl Kruger has seen enough.

“In our gadget-hungry society, where iPods have become the accessory du jour, one lawmaker wants device devotees to wake up and hear the traffic,” writes TopTechNews.com of Kruger. “He's pushing a proposal to make plugging in on New York streets a crime.”

Apparently, Kruger wants these people alive so they can re-elect him — so he can go to Washington and attend sessions while reading his paper and listening to his own iPod while fancy bill-making is going on.

Kruger dubs the trend of iPods causing accidents “iPod oblivion,” and you can bet that Hollywood is already screentesting a film of headphoned zombies that try to head-butt SUVs off the road. If Senator Kruger gets his way, anyone spotted crossing the street using any electronic device will receive a $100 fine.

The proposed bill has stirred up more than a little controversy, with the Daily Evergreen complaining that the ban would take away basic rights and the New York Times, via “The Lede,” putting the question of the bill’s fairness to its readers.

I guess I wonder where such a ban might stop. This weekend, I saw a turtlenecked suburbanite perform a W-turn while trying to back into his own driveway – all because he couldn’t be bothered to interrupt a cell-phone call long enough to park his car. Plus, I see people now with those earpiece thingies in their ear, looking like Lando Calrissian’s buddy from “The Empire Strikes Back.” Originally, I thought those devices were going to be reserved for lying salespeople at failing marketing companies, but now they are everywhere.

Common sense should apply, though that is asking way too much in our world. If you were an acrobat, you wouldn’t try to balance your checkbook between jumps if it meant you would fall 150 feet to the ground, would you? If you can’t drive a car and conduct a phone call at the same time, don’t answer your cell phone. If you can’t use a laptop and have a real conversation at the same time, don’t bring your laptop. And if you can’t listen to The Flaming Rectal Wizards and simultaneously cross the street without French-kissing the grill of an H3, turn off the tunes and save your life.

Otherwise, it’s like you’re letting the terrorists win.

“Children Of Men” Boot-Kicks Hollywood Out Of Its Sleep

Kneeling down before our three-second attention spans, mass marketing today asks us only to pay attention to piecemeal images and concepts. So when something comes along that makes us — nay, demands that we — open our hearts and minds for longer than 15 minutes, it is left no middle ground. Such a channel or medium will be tabbed immediately as either a pretentious piece of directorial hubris or a revolutionary, brave foray. In an age when political statements are ridiculed, derided career-enders, an undertaking of bold creativity registers as a breath of fresh air.

Director Alfonso Cuaron encompasses all that and more with his powerful “Children of Men.” Based on the book by P.D. James, this film takes us to a fractured world 20 years into the future, set in 2027 England. The work imagines a dark, barren society that has not seen a new child enter it in 18 years. Cuaron masterfully attains entertainment with relevance, weaving a captivating tale while injecting a host of societal ills and issues that puncture us in headlines every day: terrorism, fertility, environmental degradation, immigration, consumerism … From “fugees” to “Fishes,” Cuaron helps create a riveting landscape with the help of instant Oscar contenders Clive Barker, Michael Caine and Claire Hope-Ashitey. Rarely will you find a film that succeeds in freezing you in your seat with drama — it’s the first time I’ve found myself putting a death grip on the armrests since the opening 10 minutes of “Saving Private Ryan” — while also blending in humor, irony and satire (his use of a state-sponsored suicide treatment called Quietus, combined with a character chiding another for smoking by saying, “Those things’ll kill you,” hit the mark with perfect understatement).

This riveting, daring film has been lauded in some quarters, with Rolling Stone assigning it 3.5 stars. “Is it possible to capture the terrible absence of a world without children?” writes Peter Travers. “Cuaron does it … Cuaron has a gift only the greatest filmmakers share: He makes you believe.”

The picture’s last half an hour is heart-pounding, moving and emotional, and the final 15 border on absolute brilliance. Cuaron succeeds in blurring the lines between today’s transgressions and tomorrow’s bills come due — breathing a landmark film into life in the process.

OK Lego!

Much ado was made of OK Go's "Here It Goes Again" treadmill video, and for good reason. But there are some people out there aiming to prove that even a buncha Legos can do it ...

Limerick Friday XIX: Who The Hell Stole The Brownies?

They brought in a cocky third-ranked team looking sly
Thinking, “We’ll win by 30 and be back before ‘Queer Eye’”
They forgot what a rivalry is and how far hatred can go
Then Roy got a free coaching lesson from Sidney Lowe
All across the state you could hear Wal-Mart fans cry

It’s finally cold enough to have a winter party
To brave the weather you have to be hale and hearty
But I saw a guy with a scarf driving in his car
Dudes should be willing to freeze before they go that far
As masculine as a Literace Tupperware party

Three straight losses for Coach K’s determined bunch
Friggin’ Florida State came into Cameron and ate their lunch
Even bogus calls can’t save K’s team anymore
He can scream all he wants, until his throat is sore
I’m guessing his back is starting to hurt … just a hunch

A moment of silence for Anna Nicole
She shouldn’t have had that last buttered roll
Her chest could be described as legendary
Married Abe Lincoln’s Defense Secretary
Drugs, diets and old dudes must’ve taken their toll

I always knew Congress was more than a little daft
Filled with jackasses front to back and fore to aft
Still questioning what global warming is involved with
I have to wonder if they’re going to keep calling it a myth
Up until they’re using a polar bear as a life raft

Limer-inks

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Limerick Friday X

Limerick Friday XI

Limerick Friday XII

Limerick Friday XIII

Limerick Friday XIV

Limerick Friday XV

Limerick Friday XVI

Limerick Friday XVII

Limerick Friday XVIII

"Lost" v. 3.5: Let The Games Begin

Thinking out loud after last night's premiere of "Lost" ...

So the girl that saved them is the daughter of Rousseau and Ben? If so, was Rousseau exiled into the jungle for some reason by Ben? Is she sane enough to play a role later in the show?

What will Juliet’s punishment be for killing one of the “Others”? Will Ben really allow her to finally get off the island after three years? What is the “past” that Ben and Juliet share?

What are they going to do with Jack now that he has performed the surgery? Is Ben willing to basically trade him for Juliet?

Next week’s preview gives away the fact that they did, indeed, let Sawyer and Kate cross the two miles across the ocean back to the original island. Part of the show would be over if they simply heeded Jack’s wishes and let him martyr himself back on the Others’ island, but how did they intend on mounting an attack/prisoner release?

How did the co-op/commune pursuing Juliet as a doctor factor into killing her ex-husband with a bus crash? Did they truly make it happen simply because she mentioned it in a mildly longing way? What is the relevance of Portland and how is this organization tied into the Dharma Initiative? It appears that Juliet was forcibly moved to Portland, but how did she then get to the island(s)? Was her sister truly left behind? What is Ethan’s role in all of this since he seems to pop up everywhere?

In the opening scene, Juliet is giving her sister a shot and then looks out the window to reveal Miami and an extremely low-flying airplane. Was this plane also about to crash?

How did Sawyer know who Carl was? I know they had some type of interaction earlier on, but what was that about? And what was the sensory overload/hypnosis experiment being performed on Carl? What was the goal or objective of that?

What type of research was Juliet doing that people were so interested in that it could cost lives? What was the affliction affecting her sister that made it so improbable that she would be pregnant? Did her sister have cancer?

We still have no idea what happened to Walt and Michael. For that matter, there was no mention or peek-in at any of the crash survivors at all.

“Ever since the sky turned purple” … what does this mean?

Is anyone else still fascinated/fixated on that enormous four-toed statue that we saw last season? For that matter, the black smoke? The polar bear? The ghosts?

Do the writers expect us to simply forget Michael and Walt? We hardly heard from Sayid in the mini-season, not to mention Jin and Sun? How about Bernard and Rose -- are they still alive? What of Hurley and Locke?

Obviously, it was an action-packed premiere to the “season 3.5” of 16 straight new episodes after a long, lost winter, but as is par for the course with this show, it raised more questions than answers. The flashbacks continue to be a key and useful device for building character, but this episode needed to catch us up more on the essential characters and roles instead of giving us Juliet’s backstory. I hope they address the original survivors a little more in the next episode and start to give us some insight into how all of these webs are connected …

Box In A Box

Saturday Night Live hit the jackpot with “D*%k In A Box,” one of the funnier sketches they’ve had in years. We know this because we’ve been bombarded with reminders from friends and coworkers for weeks.

Kudos to this delicate young lady’s answer to the latest fashion trend …

Check Out “30 Rock”

One of the most overlooked shows this season has been “30 Rock.” For those confused, this is the “good” show based on “Saturday Night Live.” If you can read these quotes and not want to start watching, you’re a stronger person than I am:

Tracy: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

Liz: On the count of three, tell me what level of cousin we would have to be for this to be OK.
Gray: Fifth—
Liz (same time): Not happening, ever.
Gray: Wait … I think we’re third cousins.
Liz: Yeah. I’ll see you at the reunion.

Liz: I can't believe you bet your wedding ring.
Pete: I know. Weird thing is ... I had money left.

Jenna: Yeah, but this is different because I know Jack Donaghy. I know what he likes.
Liz: Yeah. So now you just have to make yourself 10 years younger and Asian.

Jack: Lemon, I don't know how to do this.
Liz: I know.
Jack: [looking out window]: I don't get it. It's not the fear. I thrive on fear.
Liz: Yeah, you're lookin' out a fake window right now, by the way.
Jack: I bull hunt polar bear. I once drove a rental car into the Hudson to practice escaping. And it's not the public speaking, there's just something about performing I can't wrap my brain around … All this creative crap. Acting. Ahhh. I've never been able to do it. Never.

Liz: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.

Jack: Lemon, today is the first day of the rest of your life; and what is the first thing you need to do?
Liz: I have to break up with Dennis.
Jack: And if you don't break up with him now?
Liz: He'll just keep showing up at work to sell beepers; we'll just get more and more tangled up in each other's lives 'til I can't even get away and we're just like ... [gasps] Oh, my God!
Jack: That's right! He's the Rat King. And there's only one way to break up with a rat, you have to cut him off completely
Liz: I know.
Jack: You have to stuff your heart with steel, wool and tin foil. You must be ruthless, you must be absolute. Remember always: You are the exterminator. Say it!
Liz: I am the exterminator!
Jack: Say it like you mean it!
Liz: [louder] I am the exterminator!
Jack: Louder!
Liz: [shouting] I am the exterminator!
Jack: Okay, not that loud. People are trying to work around here.

Jack: Look at him. Most people would be angry with their family for centuries of in-breeding. But he’s too busy trying to stave off infection.

Jack: Conan, Tracy’s really excited to be back on your show.
Conan: I don’t know. He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me.
Jack: Well, Tracy’s feeling a lot better now. He’s under a doctor’s care.
Conan: That’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Conan: What’s the hard way?
Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
Conan: Tell Tracy I’ll see him tonight, you black Irish bastard.
Jack: Back at you, Red.

Tracy: I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.
Toofer: Okay, well. Just tell us some things about your life, and we’ll try to punch it up and make it talk show-worthy.
Pete: Maybe something about you and your wife.
Tracy: Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I’ll put on a ski mask …
Frank: Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.
Tracy: I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who’s still got the biggest ding-dong.
Pete: No.
Tracy: … Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.
Pete: What was that?
Tracy: I was pooping in the ladies’ room at The Ivy …
Pete: No.

Jack: Leo's an excellent physician and a pretty good dentist.

Tracy: But I want you to know something: You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.
Kenneth: Oh, OK.
Tracy: So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.

Liz: How you doing?
Jenna: There is no way I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia? And that he once felt asleep on Ted Danson's roof?
Liz: Yeah, Tracy has mental health issues.
Jenna: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face!
Liz: When you hear his version, she was kind of asking for it.
Jenna: I can't even believe that you are doing this to me!
Liz: Listen, I understand this is tough for you, OK? But what did I tell you?
Jenna: Not to freak out?
Liz: Right. And what else?
Jenna: Stop falling in love with gay guys?

Tracy: Thank you, Jack. Yo, I’m a make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I have two ears and a heart, don’t I?

“NC State Rules The Triangle”

Wow. File that under Headlines I Would Never Expect To See, Ever. But Lowe and behold, the Pack has been named ESPN’s “Team of the Week” after knocking off the ACC’s first-place team not once, but twice in the past six days. Here’s what ESPN analyst Andy Katz had to say about the Wolfpack today:

"Can't say I saw this coming. That would be a lie. But what I did see way back in November, when NC State came back to beat Michigan in the ACC-Big Ten Challenge, was a team that had plenty of heart, desire and passion, and believed in everything its first-year coach said.

"The Wolfpack maybe didn't get enough credit earlier in the week for a surprising win at Virginia Tech. Maybe that was because the win came on the same night Indiana beat Wisconsin, while Texas' Kevin Durant lit up Texas Tech for 37 points and 23 rebounds. But clearly the victory in Blacksburg set up Saturday's raucous win over rival North Carolina.

"The atmosphere at the RBC Center seemed Stanley Cup-like, at least through the TV screen. The Wolfpack continued to attack the Tar Heels and never seemed to be fazed as UNC responded.

"What has made this season so hard to predict is the way the Tar Heels smoked Arizona one Saturday in Tucson only to get pushed around, and look a bit displaced, seven days later in Raleigh against a collection of gritty players.

"Every game will still be a struggle for the Wolfpack, but be certain about this: NC State won't be an easy out under Sidney Lowe. This week, the Wolfpack became the headline team in The Triangle -- and with UNC and Duke as competitors, that's something to savor."

Fear The Red Menace

No comment needed.

Limerick Friday XVIII: Weathering the Siege Of Leningrad

Foot-in-mouth disease for Nick Satan
Ruins his reputation more any time he can
First there were lies that he made occur
Now he throws out a racial slur
Good luck recruiting Florida or Louisiana ever again

The Pack played like almighty heck
And knocked off first-place Virginia Tech
A road win in the ACC is hard to find
Thought Seth Greenberg was going to lose his mind
Now the poor bastard has to buy his knishes from no-neck

Now the Heels come to our own RBC
They have 15 players and State has like three
Rumors that Alex Stepheson is gay
Fill in your Chapel Hill fairy joke of the day
If the Wolfpack keeps it under 20 I’ll be filled with glee

How about them Virginia Wahoos
Against mighty Dook they refused to lose
The shoe polish in Coach K’s hair started to run
The timekeeper made sure the right job is done
Now the Devils can experience some well-deserved boo-hoos

The Bears and the Colts in the big game
Expect more Manning commercials that are lame
Chicago has been the underdog for weeks
Indianapolis has a defense with lotsa leaks
I envision four Peyton picks and him passing the blame

Limer-inks

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Limerick Friday X

Limerick Friday XI

Limerick Friday XII

Limerick Friday XIII

Limerick Friday XIV

Limerick Friday XV

Limerick Friday XVI

Limerick Friday XVII