Don’t Leave The Couch Without It

Have you been looking for the quintessential must-have March Madness purchase?

A co-worker recently stumbled across the phenomenal Beer Launching Refrigerator. Inventor John Cornwell has managed to singlehandedly challenge the belief that all Duke students and graduates are frightened-of-the-real-word, unbathed, English-struggling dorks-hiding-as-elitists while also destroying the perception that a Dookie has never actually contributed anything worthwhile to the average American. Of course, whether the Beer Launching Refrigerator can be linked as the catalyst to the Duke Lacrosse Scandal remains to be seen, but hey … this is a day for celebrating. (P.S. If you’re a tool and you are interested in the actual science, bells and whistles that go into making this thing work, click here. Then kick yourself in the cornflakes.)


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The Beer Launching Refrigerator is deadly accurate up to 15 feet and holds 10 beers, meaning that if you can train your dog to reload the mini-fridge, grab a box of Depends, order delivery from your cell phone and adequately juggle four remote controls, you could conceivably never have to move from your spot on the shoulder of the Road to the Final Four. Couch sores and the twitching that comes along with Clark Kellogg’s incessant hand-speaking are obstacles, to be sure, but you’re a trooper. And if you just can’t handle Dickie V. or “One Shining Moment” for even one moment longer, well … you can always adjust the launch codes of your Beer Launching Refrigerator to send a Schaeffer Light directly through your idiot box.

And obviously, it doesn’t take a giant leap of faith to envision a lull of boredom during the Long Beach State-Central Connecticut State game, which leads to a drunken bout of shite-talking, which leads to programming the suds launcher to whip Natty Lights at your “friends” at roughly 38 miles per hour. A warning label and an accompanying Tyler Hansbrough face mask could be helpful additions to this offering at some point. But we’ll let the rocket (beer-launch) scientists work out the details.

In the meantime, put this item on your March Madness wish list, and keep your heads up … and bottoms up!