Reason #419 Why The Jelly Of The Month Club Blows

Clark W. Griswald + egg nog + Cousin Eddie + screwed over by the boss = quite simply, one of the greatest tirades in the history of cinema. Perhaps the defining moment of Chevy Chase's career:

"Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one ... I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a ...
cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!

"Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?"

And in case you're interested in the preamble, here 'tis. Happy Holidays. Holy shit.

Timmy'Z New X-MAs liST

Dear sAnta Klaus,

All I wanT for Chrismas thIs Yeer is a Greg Caramel-Armadillo jerzee. He wEars nummer 83 and hE scored a TouchDown for MIaMi yesterday. My dAddy alWayS puts a bad worD that starts with the big F letter in front of when he Sez MIaMi. And then sometimes when I fall down On the GrounD and gets dizzy, he will Call me TrenT GREEN. I do’nT no what for shor That Meens. But dAddy also sed ThaT was Our first GodDamm win Of the Yeer, too. So he Was VEry haPPy with BeeR, Than he Went Pee outSide an Than hE thrEw up in FiDo’s doGGy Bowl.

Thanx you for bringin Me A New Jerzee. Also, pleez fire Mr. Cameroon from The SideLine. Becuz he sucks a lot and He looks Like Alf’s dAddy On tHe TV.

Bye,
TiMMy the Dolfin FaN

P.S. Is It reaLLy true ThaT the Patriots aRe cheeters? Becuz MiSS WilkinS at schooL said that we should'NT cheet. An also, Than why come theRe coach LooKs LiKe the homeLess guy Who lives Neer my Bus Stop an is alWayZ aSKing to Give A Wejjie an alWays Saying thAT Henrry KiSSinger sTole HiS DiaPers? If they aRe cheeters, pleez bring TheM jus COAL thIs YeeR.

Limerick Friday LXV: Injecting Some Truth Into Baseball

“A dark day for baseball,” they said
Problems bigger than Barry Bonds’s head
‘Roids were the rage in MLB
A game with no integrity
Used to like baseball, but to me it’s dead

Katrina victims waited and waited for relief
No federal assistance gave them all a legitimate beef
Now dirty FEMA trailers make it hard to breathe
It’s enough to make any sane person seethe
Too much to ask for a trailer without formaldehyde, good grief

Debate season arrives just in time, without fail
Affecting the pecking order on the campaign trail
But Hillary isn’t holding her own
When it’s her turn on the microphone
She looked like a sure thing, but she’d better bust her tail

It’s 75 degrees at Christmas time
Drinking cocoa with an umbrella and a lime
Gotta cut carbon emissions right now
Or the world’s going to be flooded, and how
Sidewalk Santa wearing shorts when I gave him a dime

Coaching searches gone awry from the start
Candidates without a soul or a heart
Michigan can’t give away their job
Petrino looking like a colossal knob
It all makes Mark Mangino want another chocolate Pop Tart

Last time ...

Scooter & Hum’s Top Five Books of the Year

As 2007 winds to a close, I thought I would share some of the works of art -— henceforth to be known as “The Scooties” —- that spoke to me or affected my perspective in some way throughout the course of the year. Along those lines, here are the top five books that I found myself engrossed in this year, making time fly by in bed, on trains and planes, in Cup A Joe, in the atrium here at work, and many other places.* Without further ado, here is Scooter & Hum’s Top Five Books of 2007 … sponsored by Charmin:

And the “Scootie” goes to …


1. “Shutter Island” by Dennis Lehane

From the author of “Mystic River,” Lehane weaves a tale centered on a U.S. Marshall directed to investigate a murder on a mysterious New England island in the 1950s. As he delves deeper and deeper into the setting and the circumstances surrounding the dangerous mental institution he’s investigating, he discovers implications that reach to the highest levels of state government and involve a variety of institutions for the criminally insane. As the ending approaches, the cracks that appear within the lead character and the leads he’s chasing bring you closer and closer -— with an increasingly thumping heart -— to the truth that has seemed so farfetched from the story’s beginning.

It’s another home run for Lehane on the heels of “Mystic River,” and word is that the tale is slated to be released as a movie. It’s in pre-production now and will be out in 2009, directed by the amazing Martin Scorcese. The lead role to be handled by Leonardo DiCaprio, with Mark Ruffalo, Michelle Williams and Ben Kingsley rounding out a strong cast.



2. “On Writing” by Stephen King

The kindest, gentlest textbook on writing you could ever find, complete with examples, background on King and his formation as one of the finest craftsmen of his generation and genre, and samples of the tales that inspired him. I haven’t decided whether King went a little too light on the actual mechanics of writing, but the maxim of the entire art -— “a writer writes” -— is hammered home with authority and proven by the author himself. A true classic, a must-read for any interested in the craft and perhaps the easiest-reading self-help book of all time.

His approach to the creation aspect of penning a tale earned a place on my wall:

“You can approach the act of writing with nervousness, excitement, hopefulness, even despair -— the sense that you can never completely put on the page what’s in your mind and heart.
“You can come to the act with your fists clenched and your eyes narrowed, ready to kick ass and take down names.
“You can come to it because you want a girl to marry you or because you want to change the world.
“Come to it any way but lightly. Let me say it again: you must not come lightly to the blank page.”



3. “Tropic of Capricorn” by Henry Miller

I don’t think I liked it as much as Miller’s searing breakthrough book, “Tropic of Cancer,” but it was a fascinating, ironic look at the class division, evolution of industry and social mores of New York City in the 1920s. It’s a true gift to be able to pick up a book 70 years after it is written and still be able to appreciate the satire, humor and backdrop. It was a touch less controversial than “Tropic of Cancer,” but still forced readers to contemplate the world in a different way and fix their eyes on the seamy underbelly of society that they would prefer to remain averted to.

One of the dozens of memorable lines from the book include:

“My understanding of the meaning of a book is that the book itself disappears from sight, that it is chewed alive, digested and incorporated into the system as flesh and blood, which in turn creates new spirit and reshapes the world.”

So true, Hank. So true.



4. “Lisey’s Story” by Stephen King

I hesitated to include a second King book on such a short list, but I simply couldn’t exclude this memorable tale. Plus, I’m a relatively slow reader, so there’s only so many books I can get through in a year. I have a long list of books that are on my must-read list, but, with a tip of the cap to Herb Sendek, I just have to keep chopping wood and whittle it down.

In my opinion, “Lisey’s Story” is the image of a future imagined by King had he been killed by the van that ran him down in real life in 1999, and how his wife Tabitha may have had to try to deal with the fallout of his death. Morbid, I know, but hell ... this is Stephen King we're talking about, and that is the world he deals in. The book itself revolves around a famous novelist dying, leaving his wife to sort though his life’s work and discover a side of him that she never knew while he was alive. This novel deals a lot with the human psyche and the walls and barriers people erect to deal with the problems, experiences and issues that plague us all; a topic that has threaded itself through much of King’s recent work. It’s a very revealing book with a frantic pace and tone that relates to how time is alternately affected in a possible second world, leaving the reader to feel like they’re reading against the clock at times -— yet leaves you with no desire to have it end.



5. “Beach Music” by Pat Conroy

This was a really long novel, but highly enjoyable. Going strictly by prose, I wouldn’t consider Conroy a particularly memorable writer, but as a story-teller, he has few peers. Unfortunately for me, “Beach Music” read like a bunch of different short stories stuffed into a novel format, with some of the plot appearing to be too coincidental and far-fetched (it could have been alternately titled “The Amazing But True Adventures of Superhero Jack McCall”). Yet the story-telling reels you on in a number of levels, encompassing a wide range of controversial topics, from the Vietnam War to racism to the Holocaust to our legal system to Southern culture to religion.

One line jumped right off the page at me: “I wanted to warn her, to tell her that my love was all fury and sharp edges”; the writer in me wanted more of that, more sentiments that revealed depth of character. Prose, tone and believability are all subject to the personal preferences of individual readers, but you can’t argue with the fact that this a winner in terms of the pure magic involved in captivating a reader with a well-told tale.


*These weren’t books necessarily released in 2007 (obviously). They were merely the best ones that I got around to reading this year. Feel free to let me know if you agree, disagree, have other suggestions or just want to get jiggy with it.

A Very Cajun Christmas ...

Twenty four days before Christmas, in a state in the south,
Les Miles was pissed as he opened his mouth.
"Miles to Michigan," was reported as fact.
To which Miles responded, "Herbie you don't know jack!"

The Tigers had suffered a gut wrenching loss,
At the hands of McFadden and the rest of the hogs.
And Bo in his sweatshirt, and Miles in his Hat.
Were determined to prove they were better than that!

When the Tennessee Vols ran out on the field,
There were ruckus applause from the mentally ill.
Still in the locker room, Les told his team,
"This season ain't over. We still have a dream."

The hurt throwing arm of QB Matt Flynn
Meant Ryan was the man they put their faith in.
Then the fans all heard, what Les said in the Dome.
"I ain't goin' anywhere. I'm happy. I'm Home!"

The fans were still thinking "This might be a trick."
'til someone pointed out "Hey, this guy ain't Nick!"
The Hat took the field for this championship game,
And he brought all his Tigers, and called them by name;

"Now, Hester! Now, Early! Now, Highsmith and Putt!
Let's let 'er rip and shut these guys up!
Take to the field Men! Give it your all!
Then later we'll watch numbers 1 & 2 fall."

The fans still weren't sure as to what team would show,
The Virginia Tech game seemed like so long ago.
But there in the stands, the fans they did cheer,
As Perrilloux played his game of the year.

While out in Ar-Kansas, the hogs claimed the boot,
The tigers were focused on far better loot.
With the game knotted up, Ainge threw a quick out
But Zenon was ready and took six to the house.

He wore an LSU jacket, and a white turtle neck,
The same as he wore when his team beat La Tech.
With the hat on his head, and a childish grin,
Les put his team in the title picture again.

His smile-how it widened! as Pitt won its game!
He cheered Oklahoma, when it did the same.
The stars were aligning, it couldn't be true.
Turns out Miles WAS destined, to play O-S-U.

With a month to prepare and a month to heal up,
We're all pretty sure which team will show up.
He ain't going to Michigan, and we're sure of that.
But Tressel and the Buckeyes should still Fear the Hat.

On December first, he called L-S-U home.
Then set up the Tigers, to play again in the Dome.
It soon will be legend, how Les started that day,
"Can't talk now. . . . I'm busy. . . . [Y'all] hav e a great day."

“I Must Break Casper. If He Dies … He Dies.”

Note to all Dolph Lundgren impersonators: You should never fight anyone named James Thunder. People named James Thunder tend to be, like, real fighters, not much interested in the whole, “Tee hee, I’m Ivan Drago, ha ha.” If your name is Crawford Grimsley, you should be a golfer; under no circumstances should you be standing in a boxing ring across from someone named James Thunder.

I mean. Dude got knocked out so bad he started seeing ghosts. When Grimsley started throwing half-punches at visions of Haley Joel Osment at the 1:10 mark, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Holy crap.


KO With The 1st Punch! - More amazing video clips are a click away

From Genius To Clueless In Only Nine Months? — The SiLo Story

In just his first season as a college coach, Sidney Lowe put one of the most memorable ACC Tournament runs in the history of the event under his belt. Just nine months later, Lowe now has perhaps the most embarrassing back-to-back losses in the long, storied history of NC State basketball on his record.

Despite having 10 days to try to erase a 23-point setback at Michigan State and prepare for a trip to lowly East Carolina, the Pack managed to become the first ACC team the Pirates have ever beaten. Lowe has managed to turn an energetic, closely knit squad into a team that appears to have lost all enjoyment out of playing basketball and looks like they don’t like playing together. Brandon Costner has pouted and sleepwalked through the first quarter of the season. Ben McCauley has been reduced to an uninvolved observer. Courtney Fells has regressed from last year to this instead of improved in his assertiveness and aggressiveness. The squad is missing a consistent perimeter shooter to break up zones, and there appears to be no other offensive idea other than to throw it into constantly double-teamed fab frosh J.J. Hickson. Collective effort has been oddly missing. The rotation has been inconsistent from the first game, with players going from large roles to completely disappearing.

State athletics director Lee Fowler is the only one who looks like he knows what he’s doing in all of this (besides the fact that he still doesn’t understand that he shouldn’t be playing EZU in either football or basketball). He resisted the opportunity to extend Lowe’s contract and provide him with a raise amidst all the hoopla over last year’s dynamic finish and increased interest in Lowe from other quarters. A couple of NBA teams came sniffing around Lowe following last season, fueling speculation that the Pack would have to make a stronger commitment to its coach. Fowler elected to take a wait-and-see approach, preferring to see whether Lowe could follow up a promising start as an underdog with a solid sophomore campaign as a front-runner. With Lowe completely choking and allowing his team to fall apart at the seams, Fowler’s philosophy of caution is looking wiser and wiser.

Sidney Lowe has proven that he can get the most out of very little talent. Now, he has also proven that he can get the least out of a lot of talent. It’s up to him to show that he can now find the balance … or else his stay in Raleigh is going to be much shorter than anybody could have anticipated back in March.

Limerick Friday LXIV: Laugh, Cry And Think

It seems the athletics director at EZU is a cheat
Not exactly surprising enough to knock you off your feet
His 40-year-old son getting illegally paid
At EZU he was at the top of his grade
Those in-bred Pirates just never skip a beat

The referees had an important plan to employ
They included referring to Ravens players as “boy”
Making shady calls time after time
When Belichick tried to give them a dime
They said, “No thanks, but watching Brady shower would be a joy”

A teen opens fire at an Omaha mall
Injuring many and killing nine in all
Now we are left to grieve and try to understand
Because you were fired from McDonald’s PlayLand?
This Christmas, my heart is in Nebraska with those who did fall

An unexpected guest named O.J.
Showed up at a funeral one day
To pay home to fallen Sean Taylor?
To escape the clutches of his jailor?
Instead, he said, “I need my machete back, what do you say?”

66 years ago today, the world changed forever
The attack on Pearl Harbor started our World War II endeavor
I once looked upon that memorial in the breeze
Thought of all the lives lost underneath those solemn seas
We can’t forget the sacrifices they made ... not ever

Last time ...

Yassir, Hu Doesn't Like Kofi Every Now And Again

The scary part is I believe this conversation actually happened and was only discovered because W accidentally wire-tapped himself ...


Funny President Bush And Rice - The funniest videos are a click away

Auburn Cheap Shot Helped Lead To BCS Headaches

Little could BCS voters and decision-makers have known that an incident that flew below most radars in mid-October could contribute to the avalanche of criticism and angst that would come their way roughly six weeks later.

In one of the most underreported plays of the entire season, Auburn offensive linemen Chaz Ramsey and Lee Ziemba combined to illegally chop-block LSU star defensive tackle Glenn Dorsey, as seen below:



LSU would go on to win the October 20 home game vs. then-18th-ranked Auburn, 30-24, but the cheap shot would severely hamper Dorsey’s play and lead to further injuries for LSU’s emotional leader.

Amazingly, no flag was thrown on the play, but Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville admitted that the play should have been whistled as an illegal chop block on his team. LSU coach Les Miles considered it an "immoral play" and called the SEC offices to ask why no punishment was forthcoming for the conference, but was basically told that since the penalty was not called on the field, it would be up to Tuberville to discipline his players. Shockingly (and by “shockingly,” I mean, “not shockingly at all”), Tuberville elected not to punish or even reprimand either player, though he did publicly apologize, which was eventually accepted by an exasperated Miles. To be fair, Tuberville was busy angling for a contract extension and/or inquiring about possible openings at other SEC schools.

When asked about the chop block in his first interview following the incident, Ramsey, the right guard, said, “I don’t want to worry about it.” Yeah, I bet you don’t; cheap shots are most palatable when swept under the rug. Ramsey went on to say that labeling the play a chop block “messes with my head and gets me mad.” Really? I have a solution: Don’t take cheap shots. That way, you don’t jeopardize the career of a consensus top-five NFL draft pick and your head doesn’t hurt. That’s called a win-win … as opposed to the loss-loss that Auburn suffered.

Ziemba, the tackle on the play, waxed even more poetic: “It’s not the way we intended it to be; it’s just the way it happened. Football’s a hard game. Things like that happen all the time.” Football is a hard game, agreed; something tells me that “things like that” will happen “all the time” soon—like September 20, 2008, when LSU journeys to Auburn to face you.

With Dorsey sidelined or playing at half-speed with a bum knee and a bad back that resulted from compensating for the injury, the LSU defense was pushed around during the final five games of the campaign. Consider that the Tigers gave up just 14.1 points in the seven games prior to the Auburn contest; after the cheap shot, with Dorsey hobbled, LSU gave up 26 points in the final six games—and even that stat is skewed since it includes allowing just 10 points to lowly Louisiana Tech. The unit lacked the fire and intensity it drew from Dorsey down the stretch, which helped lead to some lackluster performances that culminated in giving up 50 points in a triple-overtime setback to Arkansas.

While it’s unfair to say that LSU would have beaten the Razorbacks with a healthy Dorsey, it is fair to open the point up to discussion. The loss to Arkansas threw open the race for the BCS title game and contributed to the havoc that surrounded the final weekend and the controversial bowl selections. Fortunately, the cheap shot didn’t completely ruin LSU’s chances, and Dorsey could be back to closer to full strength for the championship matchup against Ohio State. But hopefully the SEC will consider harsher sanctions against such plays in the future—instead of leaving it up to the teams to levy retaliation in future meetings.

Votes Show That BCS Now Stands For Bob “Cheater” Stoops

In the spirit of accountability, the voting results of the final USA Today Coaches Poll are made public. This decision to open the voting up to dissection and assessment is aimed toward putting coaches in the spotlight for voting their teams unfairly high or voting other teams unfairly low. Based on the last Coaches Poll of the season, the BCS should now stand for Bob “Cheater” Stoops.

Just so we have our bases covered, here are the 10 BCS teams and their bowl matchups:

Rose Bowl: USC vs. Illinois
Sugar Bowl: Georgia vs. Hawaii
Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Kansas
BCS Title Game: LSU vs. Ohio State

And here are the final results of the Coaches Poll:

1. Ohio State
2. LSU
3. Oklahoma
4. Georgia
5. VT
6. USC
7. Missouri
8. Kansas
9. West Virginia
10. Hawai’i

Predictably, there were a number of strange items that jumped out at me: Six of the 60 coaches who voted put Ohio State at #3 or lower; seven Big 10 coaches have a vote, and all of them placed the Buckeyes at #1. Mario Cristobal of Florida International and Steve Spurrier of South Carolina were unimpressed with Ohio State’s weak schedule; they voted the Buckeys #6 and #5, respectively. Meanwhile, eleven coaches voted LSU #1, while 29 more had the Tigers at #2.

On an individual basis, Hal Mumme of New Mexico State earns big points from Scooter & Hum for voting Hawai’i #1.

For discussion’s sake, what follows is how the BCS coaches voted*:

#1 Ohio State. Jim Tressel’s Top 5: #1 Ohio State, #2 LSU, #3 USC, #4Oklahoma, #5 Virginia Tech
Notable others: Georgia at #6

#2 LSU. Les Miles’s Top 5: #1 LSU, #2 Ohio State, #3 Georgia, #4 Virginia Tech, #5 Oklahoma
Notable others: Missouri at #11

#3 Oklahoma. Bob Stoops’s Top 5: #1 Oklahoma, #2 Ohio State, #3 Missouri, #4 Kansas, #5 Virginia Tech
Notable others: LSU at #6, Georgia at #8

#4 Georgia. Mark Richt’s Top 5: #1 Ohio State, #2 Georgia, #3 LSU, #4 Oklahoma, #5 Missouri
Notable others: Virginia Tech at #8

#5 Virginia Tech. Frank Beamer’s Top 5: #1 LSU, #2 Virginia Tech, #3 Oklahoma, #4 Ohio State, #5 USC
Notable others: Georgia at #6

#9 West Virginia. Rich Rodriguez’s Top 5: #1 Ohio State, #2 LSU, #3 Georgia, #4 Virginia Tech, #5 Oklahoma
Notable others: Missouri at #10

#13 Illinois. Ron Zook’s Top 5: #1 Ohio State, #2 LSU, #3 Oklahoma, #4 USC, #5 Georgia
Notable others: Kansas at #11

For local flavor, here is how a couple of the Triangle schools voted:

NC State. Tom O’Brien’s Top 5: #1 Ohio State, #2 LSU, #3 Oklahoma, #4 Virginia Tech, #5 USC
Notable others: Georgia at #7

UNC. Butch Davis’s Top 5: #1 LSU, #2 USC, #3 Ohio State, #4 Virginia Tech, #5 Georgia
Notable others: Oklahoma at #6

Obviously, Stoops is the biggest transgressor if you’re being kind, and the biggest jackass if you’re being truthful. Somehow, he managed to put three Big 12 teams in the top four, while dropping the top SEC teams, LSU and Georgia, to #6 and #8 respectively. To try to balance the jackassery, Florida State’s Bobby Bowden voted Stoops’s Sooners at #10, while his son Tommy of Clemson placed Oklahoma at #7.

The final results show that, when there is nothing to be personally gained for their specific team, coaches tend to vote along conference lines. In addition, the votes show that some coaches still don’t understand that they’ll be called on the carpet for illogical, irrational stupid votes.

* Editor’s Note: USC’s Pete Carroll, Kansas’s Mark Mangino and Hawai’i’s June Jones do not have a vote in the poll. Neither does Missouri’s Gary Pinkel, whose team got almost unbelievably screwed.

Celebrate National Baby Seal Day ...

... and support the Green Team!

BCS, Herbstreit Bitch-Slapped During A Memorable Weekend

Whew. I'm glad everything was tied up so neatly and tidily in college football this year, without any controversy whatsoever.

There are people more plugged in than me that I’ll let handle the relative cases each of the BCS-worthy teams can put forth, whether you’re Georgia, USC, Oklahoma, Virginia Tech or whoever. But here’s a quick recap of the voting that took place that resulted in LSU and Ohio State being selected to play for a national title that will be even more mythical than usual this year …

LSU
Two hours before the SEC title game and Les Miles has to hold a press conference to tell people that he’s the coach of the Tigers. Big 10 pimp and former Ohio State quarterback Kirk Herbstreit decides it’s a good idea to go on the air with a false report about Miles taking the Michigan job and hiring Jon Tenuta as defensive coordinator. Not being a journalist or having any background involving journalistic integrity, Herbstreit doesn’t realize that you shouldn’t run with rumors involving a coach hours before his team is playing for a conference championship. Not only does Herbstreit go on with a vague sense of authority, but he basically accused Miles of turning his back on his team, taking a new job and already making staff hires in his new capacity. So Miles calls an impromptu press conference two hours before his game, forcefully and adamantly denies the false report, announces he’s staying at LSU, takes a few shots at ESPN and walks off the stage.



ESPN is ESPN, so they’ll always have the last word (which includes editing out any reference of ESPN in some of the clips of the conference). It’s a fight Miles can’t win, but good on him. ESPN has decided to take the approach that they want to create the news now rather than report it, and they got called on the carpet. Predictably, ESPN tried to spin the press conference into Miles ducking responsibility, but Miles did exactly what we ask our coaches to do: he refused to be pushed around by the media, he acted quickly, he spoke firmly in his own voice. In other words, he was the anti-Nick Satan. And he gets dumped on for that? Yeah, that makes sense. By the way, when he walked off the stage after pointing and saying, “Have a great day,” I nearly peed my pants.

Ohio State
As Mike Golic noted on “Mike & Mike in the Morning,” Ohio State is in simply because they worked the system best. Schedule three crap out-of-conference games. Go without an impressive victory in a weak league. Resist a conference title game. Make sure you have byes the last coupla weeks of the season. Sit back and hope the right teams lose. Celebrate like you did something. Then wonder why everyone hates you and doesn’t give you respect. Respect is earned on the football field, not in the easy chair as you root for better teams to lose to each other.

Georgia
Unfortunately, Kentucky couldn’t make that one key play in the four-overtime loss to Tennessee that the Dawgs needed to get into the SEC title game. You didn’t win your division, much less your conference. Great season and you were playing as well as anyone down the stretch, but the way the system is set up, you don’t have much of an argument.

Oklahoma
You’re a damn good team who had some key injuries at inopportune moments. I’d like to see you in the championship game especially because you’re back at full speed now. Two losses by a combined 10 points on the road aren’t too damning, but you can’t fall to Colorado; you just can’t. You’re more deserving than Ohio State, but you can’t measure up to the Big 10 hype machine.

USC
You had two months to try to overcome a home loss to Stanford and you nearly pulled it off. A seven-point loss at a Dennis Dixon-led Oregon is respectable, but you needed Cal to have a better year and you needed someone more impactful than Arizona State and UCLA on your slate late. Playing on the West Coast meant not enough of us got a chance to see you play and all we remembered you for was losing to a tree.

Virginia Tech
The ACC was down all year (again) and you got bitched by 41 points by LSU. Be happy you’re in a BCS game and enjoy it.

Hawai’i
I’m sorry. You got screwed probably worse than anyone this year. You’re in a catch-22 because you’re good enough that no one meaningful outside your conference wants to play you, but not good enough to get the votes needed to get all the way to the top. The system fails you because you have no way of getting the vote-changing games you need to be a bigger factor.

Missouri
You should have gone for it on fourth-and-goal from the 1 against Oklahoma instead of kicking a field goal to make it 7-6. You’re a Cinderella story and an underdog as the #1 team in the nation … you should know that field goals can’t be kicked with glass slippers. Go for it. Show the Sooners that you’re here to win, not to stay in the game. To make matters worse, you got f’ed out of the BCS mix.

Kansas
With a Dom Deluise doppelganger as your head coach, it’s hard to use the word “tiptoe” when I talk about you, but somehow you managed to tiptoe into the BCS while no one was looking. The fact that your football team scores more points than your basketball team doesn’t hurt, but it’s a joke that you got past Missouri. I guess Mangino is laughing all the way to the … butcher.

West Virginia
If you’re Rich Rodriguez, you had to wake up Sunday morning, look yourself in the mirror, and admit that you were outcoached by Dave “The ‘Stache” Wannstedt. At home. With a national title shot on the line. As a four-touchdown favorite. How do you bounce back from that?


So What The Hell Is Going To Happen?

I don’t tend to quote Shakespeare too much, but Buckeye Nation doth protest too much. They are spending most of the time trying to justify their backing into the title game, and yet, they seem to be the ones most bitching about LSU getting in as well. Why? Because they don’t want to get hammered in the national spotlight yet again by a faster, more talented SEC team, like last year.

Ohio State would seemingly be fine with backing all the way into a national championship game against a team like Missouri, and be thrilled with the idea they didn’t face anyone all season long on the way to a ring.

Here’s why they have every right to be nervous: They’re playing LSU in New Orleans. The flip side of not playing and hoping everyone else loses is that you are dormant for a long time. LSU has plenty of time to get Glenn Dorsey, Matt Flynn, et al, healthy. The Tigers players won’t take too kindly to a team representing the conference that tried to steal their coach in the midst of a national championship run. The LSU coach is a “Michigan Man” playing against the hated Buckeyes. Said coach believes Ohio State may have been behind the effort to undermine LSU’s preparations and stick it to Michigan with the false rumor by one of their alums.

The Tigers got a second life, whether they deserved it or not; such teams usually don’t take second opportunities lightly. So be careful what you wish for, Buckeyes … you just might get it.

Limerick Friday LXIII: Who Wants To See A Mayor On “Cheaters”?

When Rudy Giuliani cheated on his wife for a thrill
It turns out New Yorkers had to foot the bill
He had cops to watch his back
As he fondled his mistress’s rack
Of lying, cheating Republicans, haven’t we all had our fill?

So many injuries early on, I’d say what the hell
My team was good, but how good I couldn’t tell
When healthy, I finished on a league-best high
Even earned myself a needed first-round bye
But the Scooters won’t be satisfied until we rule the whole WFFL

A 45-point loss for the horrific New York Knicks
Even worse, the team is made up a bunch of pricks
Led by the A-No. 1 piece of shit, Isaiah Thomas
Destroys all he touches, that’s a certain promise
All he does is lose games and harass women for kicks

Speaking of loser pieces of shit
Who screw up everywhere that they sit
W is back at it yet again
Warning Congress to approve more money to spend
So he can ruin another Christmas for soldiers stuck in that Iraq pit

Another taken too early, for sure
Sean Taylor has been killed at just 24
They say you’d turned your life around
Your feet firmly planted on the ground
He’ll still be knocking out receivers at heaven’s door

Last time ...

Nike: Just Got Caught Doing It

Man, I had no idea that TGRK could run that fast ...

New Rule: Get Your Rabies Shot Before Designing An End-Zone Dance

I have a friend who had a philosophy that anyone caught kneeling in prayer in the end zone after a touchdown was subject to being speared in the back without penalty. Under his theoretical commissioner rule, any opponent had a free eight-second window in which to drill the player sans punishment. Seemed like a reasonable rule to me … and one that should probably be expanded to some of these ridiculous end-zone celebrations. I know that when Donovan McNabb scored against the Dolphins one time and starting doing some retarded “Teen Wolf” dance, I was praying that Zach Thomas would enjoy a 35-yard full-speed sprint at him and deliver a spleen-rupturing shiver to the lower-back area.

This philosophy also brings me to the greatest moment in the Auburn-Alabama game (well, besides the fact that the Tigers won—money well-spent, Tide!). The Auburn cornerback Jerraud Powers decides to do some gay celebration roughly four inches from an attack dog’s mouth, then gets bit on the hand. Perhaps the best part is the dude takes a swing at the dog and the dog easily ducks it and continues to stare him down. In the meantime, the cop just stands there watching, with no reaction whatsoever. Hell, you come over and start doing a stupid dance too close to a dog, you’re going to get bit. And if you take a swing at said dog, you’re going to get hit. What the hell was the cop doing? Also, why couldn’t the pup take a nip at Alabama coach Nick Satan while he was at it?



So to borrow from Bill Maher, new rule*: Anyone caught doing anything more than spiking the ball or hugging a teammate will be attacked by a rabid dog for a period no shorter than 35 seconds, the length of the play clock. Who’s with me?

* EDITOR'S NOTE: This rule will be tested on an experimental basis during the Norfolk Correctional Facility intramural flag football game, starring Michael Vick himself. The Scooter & Hum in-box has been flooded with dogs volunteering to take part in this venture for free.

Guru.com: Haley Joel Osment Needing Big Money-Time German Singing Song

I’ve written previously about some outstanding Guru.com assignments here, here and here, so I thought it was high time to give an update on some of the “special” projects that have been rolling down the Guru.com pike …

Title: The Real Sixth Sense
Project ID: 339411
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
"Need help writing facts on an additional sixth sense that everyone is born with
-- like we are born with the other 5: taste, smell, touch, sight, sound.
Unless one is born with a birth defect of one or more of these "senses".

"We all have it. I just need to let everyone else know. I don't know how to
write it to express how important this "six sense" is. I need someone to help
me to express this new reality. I also need someone who is and will be very
confidential and loyal to the project and its mission of enlightenment. It may
one day help "individuals" to understand confusion, controvesy and chaos and,
more importantly, how to avoid it at all costs."

Commentary: I have been trying to understand confusion, controversy and chaos for years, but this sounds like an X-Files episode. Unless you can produce Agent Scully toot-sweet, I’m going to count my blessings that I don’t have any sixth-sense birth defects or know any “facts” about the new reality. In fact, in matters such as these, I usually turn to “Seinfeld”:

"I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."
"Cheapness is not a sense."
- George and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"



Title: Creating copywriting for Web content
Project ID: 349387
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
"I upload draft for reference. Need creating rewriting for web content."

Commentary: You e-mail will.stanley@ezutrailerpark.com info for help giving. Help too writing reading Web time happy hour. Rain comin roll windos stay away dumpster at dark.




Title: Need a song/songwriter
Project ID: 352592
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
"My Daughter Alexa is very close to achieving a record deal in Germany with either one major record company very interested her or another Independent that is interested. They are working on one particular R&B Ballad which is a potential front runner for her first single and she has a number of other songs already prodyuced towards her first album. However, everyone agrees that she needs a more upbeat song of quality and potential which could potentially overtake the Ballad for the likely first single release.

"Alexa is currently touring as a vocalist with the Tran Siberian Orchestra. Check out www.trans-siberian.com and www.Alexa1.co.uk ( TSO are huge in America.) Alexa is really a solo artist or lead vocalist but with the TSO she is one of the backing vocalists. At 18 she is the youngest person ever to be selected for TSO and normally it is at least 21 years of age before you even get a slim chance so they recognise her talent and potential and they also have big things in mind for Alexa BUT what we desperately need is a potential number 1 hit for her solo career that is a bit upbeat in a sort of Rhianna type mode. can you help???? I would like to speak to/hear from anyone who genuinely feels that they have already written or could write a song for Alexa that will give the record company and her producers in Berlin what they are asking for and looking for. Please contact me as soon as possible if you feel you can achieve this for us but please chexck out her site before so you can get a feel of what she is all about."

Commentary: I don’t know who Rhianna is, but the idea of a mustachioed German pop tart overtaking the airwaves is frighteningly appealing. In fact, I’m frightened at how much I am appealed. But this sounds more like a job for the toast of Germany … David Hasselhoff.

I’ll Have The F%$king Flapjacks With A Side of God@#*& Grits

It was difficult to say goodbye to HBO’s “Deadwood,” especially coming on the heels of the “Sopranos” taking their journey into that good night. Al Swearengen was one of the most memorable dramatic characters in recent memory. Most “respecatable” folks will tell you that cursing represents the utterings of the ignorant, but Ian McShane’s Swearengen elevated it into an absolute art form.

Hell, he turned ordering pancakes into a soliloquy on swearing …

Enjoy The Fucking Cranberry Sauce

Just wanted to wish everybody out there a happy T-Bird day. Travely safely and be healthy …

“Gee Ma, sorry, I thought since we massacred his people and all, the least we could do is give him a little fucking cranberry sauce.”



Happy Thanksgiving to everyone -- even Chief Running Bull.

Shit-Canned SNL Cast Is Out Of Sight … Out Of Mind

As the writer’s strike continues, rumors are filtering down that many shows are starting to axe much of their staffs. At NBC, Saturday Night Live has fired a reported 90% of the members of the program. Meanwhile, over at rival CBS, David Letterman has apparently informed his staff that he will pay them out of his own pocket until the strike is over.

You can fill in your own joke here about how bad SNL has sucked over the past five years or more and how it will be hard to tell that they don’t have writers anymore, but it sure makes you wonder just how long this strike will persist. It also makes me hearken back to the days when Saturday Night Live was a staple, carried by talents just as Phil Hartman, Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon, Jan Hooks, Victoria Jackson, et al. I don’t recognize Dennis Miller as part of that ensemble anymore since he has turned into an unfunny, raving Republican lunatic.

The SNL news made me go looking for some of my favorite old-school skits, and I quickly stumbled upon one of my favorites. I’ve been lobbying Target to carry this item for years …

‘Roid You Very Much

State plays Maryland this week on Senior Day in the last regular-season game of the year. The winner gets a bowl game; the loser gets to watch Kirk Herbstreit use ESPN to singlehandedly try to vote fraudulent Ohio State into the championship game.

In honor of the arrival of the hated Terrapins, I offer this video of Maryland posterboy convict Shawn Merriman. As a proven steroid freak, he can easily blow through a running back’s block to sack the quarterback, right?



Perhaps not. Because Maurice Jones-Drew looks like Mighty Mouse and has bigger legs than Roseanne Barr.

Sorry, Mr. Merriman … for you, HGH now stands for Hit Ground Hard. And Chris Tucker’s got a coupla words for you here …

At Top Gun Car Lot, Jester's Dead!

The Dolphins are 0-10 after snatching defeat from the jaws of victory once again.

The Rex Grossman Era is back on in Chicago.

State football has 15 guys on the injury report and just lost two unsigned recruits to knee injuries.

Pack hoops features players who are already bitching about playing time two games into the season.

Chuck Amato and Herb Sendek got together to sacrifice a pair of Oakleys in a day-tight compartment to put a curse on the Wolfpack.

Even my fantasy football team lost this week.

I just needed something to make me smile ...

Limerick Friday LXII: Bonds Jailed; Head Assigned Separate Cell

Your head is bigger than that of a sperm whale
Took so many steroids that you began to grow a tail
You lied and you lied and we said, “Tsk, tsk”
Everything you’ve done comes with an asterisk
Hey Barry, you might want to bring that bat with you to jail

There once was a rookie named J.J.
Everyone thought he’d turn out OK
Then he scored 31, which is a lot
And he did it without missing a shot
Could you please get us a title before you go to the NBA?

I have a pet peeve that makes my head ache
And I’m not sure how much more I can take
It’s when people walk on the hall’s left side
And with me they almost always collide
It works like the rules of the road, for christ’s sake!

They say Beck throws a spiral like a frozen rope
And now Ricky Williams is back from smoking dope
This Dolphins season is in the back of a hearse
At 0-9, it certainly can’t get much worse
But at least with some new blood, there’s a reason to hope

Edwards says Hillary can’t be trusted
Obama says her waffling must be busted
The Democrats take aim at each other
Clinton fights back like a bad mother
I don’t care as long as the Republican gets dusted

Against Arizona, a tough break for the Ducks
When Dennis Dixon got hurt, they said, “Aw, shucks”
They turned to the second-string quarterback for relief
Then gave up when they saw his name was Leaf
“Ryan’s brother is our backup?! Oh, what the fucks!”

Last time ...

Oh, What the Heck — Give It To Beck ...

Beck sang songs like “Loser” and “Totally Confused.” Was he talking about the Dolphins’ Cam Cameron? Beck also sang “He’s a Mighty Good Leader,” and Miami coach now has to hope that the musician’s namesake, rookie quarterback John Beck, represents that for the 0-9 ‘Fins.

At least one game too late, Cameron finally pulled the trigger and pegged rookie John Beck to take over the Miami offense. So what’s next for Beck? Back-to-back road games in hostile Philadelphia and in Pittsburgh against the NFL’s No. 1 defense. Thanks, coach.

For no apparent reason, Cameron elected to stick with Band-Aid Cleo Lemon — and by “Band-Aid,” I mean “not a Band-Aid at all” — against Buffalo in Miami, following the Dolphins bye. The situation screamed for Beck, a winnable home game after giving him two full weeks to prepare as the starter. Making the decision even worse, Cameron later said that Beck was the signal-caller “most prepared to play, even against Buffalo.” When he realized that he had openly admitted that he played the wrong quarterback against the Bills, he reversed field and said, “He wasn’t quite ready in my view.” You can almost hear the stuttering from here.

Getting the “honor” of piloting this Dolphins attack is a little like earning the promotion of engineer to a train wreck. Though Beck gives Dolfans hope, Miami has thrown in the towel on the campaign, trading away one of the few weapons in Chris Chambers in an effort to force-feed dubious first-rounder Ned Ginn, Jr. Tailback Ronnie Brown was lost for the year during his breakout season, though the ‘Fins could get Ricky Williams back. No matter what happens, Cameron has to hope that his young signal-caller doesn’t feel like he has to “Go It Alone” (another Beck song).

The defense that is charged with bailing Beck out of tough situations features star linebacker Zach Thomas, who has missed two games after being in a car accident – the same year he missed a few others with a concussion. Plus, ‘Fins fans just got a thumbs-up report that a rookie defensive end had successful surgery – on BOTH knees. As a bonus, Miami has started five different strong safeties this year.

What does Beck have going for him? As the 40th overall pick, he represented the third-highest pick Miami has spent on a quarterback in the past 30 years for the Dolphins. The other two – Hall of Famers Bob Griese and Dan Marino – turned out all right. Unlike former ‘Fins quarterbacks, he isn’t Hebrew, his ears and nose appear to be normal-sized, and he isn’t named Sage, Cleo or Gus.

He’ll be the 12th quarterback to start for the Dolphins since Dandy Dan Marino retired in 1999 (I don’t have the stomach to name them all here; if you’re a masochist, there’s a list here). At 26 years old, he’s theoretically mature and poised enough to handle the difficult road environments and the pressure that comes with finally trying to live up to the cleat marks left by legendary No. 13.

With the Dolphins likely plummeting toward the top overall pick, Cameron and general manager Randy Mueller simply have to find out what they have in Beck. If he doesn’t appear to be the answer, the franchise will have to look hard at standabout quarterbacks like Boston College’s Matt Ryan or Louisville’s Brian Brohm or Kentucky’s Andre’ Woodson in April's draft. Plus, as a previously mentioned 26-year-old, the clock is ticking with Beck; if he doesn’t show signs that he can be “the guy,” he likely isn’t going to develop into one before the end of his career.

If Beck chokes or falls flat on his face, it’s going to be even more demoralizing for Miami fans. After all, Beck also sang “I Feel Like A Piece of Shit” … which more and more has the sound of the Dolphins theme song for 2007.



EDITOR’S NOTE: The opening photo is courtesy of FamousMormons.net. Seriously.

... It Ain’t Tricky – Bring Back Ricky

“We’re 0-9 … I don’t care who you get. If you get bin Laden and he could run the ball like Ricky, I’d do anything for a victory.”

That’s a quote from Miami linebacker Joey Porter. After Dolphins coach Cam Cameron had asked the entire team not to comment on the Ricky Williams situation. But I guess when you’re making like $4 million per sack, you can say whatever you want.

Anyway, Porter echoes the sentiment reflected all across the ‘Fins locker room. Williams is a five-time loser in the NFL’s substance-abuse program, though he didn’t test positive for marijuana last time, when it cost him an 18-month absence from the game. He had been taking dietary supplements in conjunction with his intense immersion into yoga, and they registered as a banned substance for the NFL, which refused to hear his appeal and banished him once again. Fair enough. When you’ve dropped the ball (or the bong) as many times as Ricky has, it’s understandable when you don’t get the benefit of the doubt.

But now he’s back. After spending the past five months in Boston treatment center seeking psychological counseling, Williams was reinstated by the NFL yesterday and will meet with Cameron and team officials today.

Agent Leigh Steinberg said Ricky has been waiting to hear his fate on “pins and needles” – wrong choice of words there, Leigh. Pro Bowl defensive end Jason Taylor met with Cameron to discuss the Williams matter, then refused to discuss the content of the meeting. If he was there to voice his concerns or his disagreement with bringing Williams back aboard, the Hypocrite Train has room left for plenty more. Taylor has had enough bad publicity over the past few years over domestic issues to understand that there is more to the Williams story than meets the eye.

The best-case scenario for the Dolphins involves Ricky reporting to the team in game shape at 230 pounds – as has been reported – then debuting against Pittsburgh on Monday Night Football on November 26 and helping this team find some way, any way to win a ballgame. With Ronnie Brown out for the year and backup Jesse Chatman dealing with a bunch of nicks and scrapes, if Williams could come anywhere near the bulldozing force he was even a coupla years ago, he could really provide a needed boost of energy and attitude. Then Miami could keep Williams and his cap-friendly contract next year to provide relief for Brown or insurance in case Brown doesn’t return to form as quickly as hoped, or they could trade him in the offseason after proving and boosting his worth down the stretch of this season.

The worst-case scenario is that Williams still struggles with his social anxiety disorder and proves to be a distraction for the Dolphins and rookie quarterback John Beck – the pairing of Williams and Beck, who went to BYU, has already been dubbed “Marley Meets Mormon” by one Miami beat writer. Williams could fail another drug test and earn a lifetime ban.

It’s a justifiable risk-reward scenario for Miami and Cameron. Williams’s work ethic has never been questioned, and the Dolphins basically have nothing to lose at this point. He’s well-liked in the locker room, and if he has truly received the help he needs to deal with his social anxiety disorder and related use of pot to dull the effects of it, he deserves the chance to prove that with the Dolphins.

I’m not ready to dust off my No. 34 ‘Fins jersey just yet, but it’s easy to pull for Ricky the person. In a lost season, he could give Dolfans something to believe in, on and off the field.

B-Deuce Has Got Your Goat

So ... what’s M.I.A. Brenty Brandow been up to of late, you ask? Raising children the by-god right and proper way. That’s what.


RAM PINATA from JBOOTY on Vimeo.

Shula Said What Everyone Else Is Afraid To Say

“The Spygate thing has diminished what (the Patriots) have accomplished.”

That’s what Don Shula was quote as saying to the New York Daily News. If you’re a knowledgeable football fan, the only response you could possibly have to such a statement is, “Yeah, that’s true.”

So why is Shula getting blasted by everyone from the San Francisco Chronicle to USA Today? Because he said what everyone else is thinking, but is afraid to voice. He compared the Patsies’ spying scandal to Barry Bonds breaking Major League Baseball’s treasured home run record, wondering if an asterisk should be applied to either. He never once said that the record should have an asterisk, as has been widely attributed to him.

Apparently, every talking head on ESPN can talk about whether Bonds belongs in the Hall of Fame, how his record should be recognized by the league, whether an asterisk needs to be placed alongside his name and whether Cooperstown has a room big enough to fit his steroids-inflated head. But question a borderline sociopath like Bill Belichick – after he has been caught cheating! – and all of a sudden you’re a washed-up, grumpy old man.

Here are the facts in this story: Shula is the winningest coach in the NFL, boasting 347 career victories. He’s recognized as one of the innovators of the game. He served on the NFL’s competition committee for 21 years. The Patriots are 9-0. They were caught cheating and punished by the NFL after the first game of the season. They had their No. 1 draft choice taken away and the owner was fined $250,000. Belichick was fined half a million dollars. The league destroyed the tapes that caught New England in the act of cheating.

Shula did not go chasing this story; he was asked a question about the possibility of the Patriots going 19-0 and asked whether the cheating situation earlier in the year would blemish such an achievement. He answered honestly, as he always has. While commissioner Roger Goodell and the NFL would love to sweep the whole pesky cheating thing under the same rug that hides the way it treats its former players, the reality is that they won’t be able to hide the facts of the Patsies’ transgression. Hell, even in April, during the NFL Draft, the ESPN scroll will come to New England’s pick at No. 32 and it will have to read: “New England, No. 32 (forfeited – cheating).”

How will Bill Simmons explain that to his son someday?

SportsBoyWhoGetsBeatUpALot: Wow, Dad, New England had a great team in 2007!
SportsGay: You bet, son. That’s the year I tried to have sex with Kevin Garnett.
SBWGBUAL: I read some of your 6,409 articles about that year, Dad. It sounds like they did an amazing job of drafting and trading a fourth-rounder for Randy Moss!
SG: No kidding. Back then, they couldn’t do any wrong. Everyone they picked in the draft became a real impact player for them. Belichick certainly had an eye for talent. And a great fashion sense as well.
SBWGBUAL: Really? Man, that must have been something. Who did they pick in the first round after they won the Super Bowl? A speedy running back as insurance against Maroney’s injuries? Another hard-hitting linebacker since Bruschi and Vrabel were getting older?
SG: Oh … first round? They, uh, they didn’t have a first-rounder that year.
SBWGBUAL: What? But they only gave up a fourth-rounder for Moss … who did they get if they traded the first-rounder?
SG: Well, they didn’t technically trade it. Well, they sort of traded it to the commissioner as a cover-up for … listen, son, we don’t really talk about this.
SBWGBUAL: I don’t get it, Dad. The commissioner?
SG: Well, they got caught cheating that year.
SBWGBUAL: Cheating?!
SG: Well, it’s complicated. I blame Rick Pitino.
SBWGBUAL: Why didn’t you tell me, Dad?! Cheating? But you gave me one of Tom Brady’s old cups for Christmas last year! Those guys were cheating?!
SG: I didn’t think you were ready to hear it. It’s all untrue, I swear!
SBWGBUAL: You’re not my father!
SG: I always thought you did look a lot more like Jimmy Kimmel than me …

Everyone in the media is quick to gloss over the cheating, but when LaDanian Tomlinson, one of the most standup guys in the game, laughs, shakes his head and says everyone knows the Patriots are cheaters, that can’t be forgotten. When other coaches bring up anecdotes about how their headsets mysteriously stopped working at crucial times in New England, that can’t be swept aside.

And why do you think the NFL quietly destroyed the incriminating tapes, without reason? Because they didn’t want nosy media types replaying the tapes over and over during the two-week buildup to the Super Bowl, highlighting the league’s “model” franchise as dogged and repeat cheaters. The NFL doesn’t want anyone to know just how deep the cheating goes, and they don’t want to give the same “journalists” who blow Belicheat and Brady on-air 24/7 any more ammunition to go digging for anything more.

As Greg Cote of the Miami Herald wrote, Shula was not only fair to question the Patsies – but he was right. He just has more stones than the media that wants to glorify cheaters and the NFL that wants to protect its ratings by propping up one of its more marketable teams.

Shame on Shula? Horseshit. Shame on Goodell. Shame on the NFL. And shame on the “men” that are paid to cover it.

State 31, UNC 27

Hi.Freaking.Larious.

Limerick Friday LXI: Go To Hell, Carolina

It’s State-UNC once again
Tough seasons for both coming in
Questions about Butch’s future in blue
So much Arkansas money, what will he do?
Oh well, may the best (non-gay blue) team win

Misguided W tried yet another veto
Congress overrode and told him just where to go
He’d rather keep funding the disaster in Iraq
Then spend to help bring New Orleans back
He’s spreading the bullshit instead of helping the water flow

Once again, Tom Cruise got dissed
He had a dinner and co-stars were missed
Robert Redford has had enough Scientology
Meryl Streep not a fan of his acting methodology
Put Cruise and Katie Holmes on the “crazy eyes” list

It’s California vs. the EPA
The Governator wants clean air today
Limiting emissions will get Hummers off the street
Making Hollywood jackasses drive hybrids is no easy feat
Good for Arnold—our lazy government needs to pay

George Clooney and freaking Fabio?
Shoving each other in clothes made for disco?
Fabio said “Pass the butter, not Parkay!”
Clooney said “I love Matt Damon, and that’s OK!”
When Fabio drove off, everyone said, “I can’t believe that’s a Geo”

Last time ...

"I'm A Man! You're A Donut Bumper!" Revisited

So you probably remember this unforgettable tirade by Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy from a coupla months back.

Well, Coach Gundy "Rhymes with Ted Bundy" is back. And this time he's pissed at the weather. I mean, isn't it always partly cloudy? Am I right, people!

I'm 40!

SiLo Getting Pack Geared Up For Regular Season

I was able to cover NC State’s exhibition victories over Barton College and UNC-Pembroke for Pack Pride, and I came away even more optimistic about the Wolfpack’s chances this year. Apparently, ESPN.com’s Pat Forde feels the same way. In this well-researched article, he ranks State as the #10 team in the land.

In the same piece, he mentions the ACC as the #3 conference in the country, former Pack star Dereck Whittenburg as the #1 coach doing an underrated job and the state of North Carolina as #4 in the top five general fan bases in the nation.

It’s also interesting to note (nod to broadcaster Vin Scully for the turn of phrase) that UNC is #4 on the list of teams trying to forget how last year ended, while Travelin’ Tyler Hansbrough is considered the top guy to boo in the country. No truth to the rumor that his will was ranked #2.

As for the Pack, the question that will be asked for the next five months certainly won’t be answered after two exhibition games: is there a point guard on the roster that can steer the ship? Transfer Farnold Degand is as quick as advertised, but he didn’t knock down a perimeter shot in the first two exhibitions and didn’t show much of an inability to penetrate zone defenses. He passed up a few open looks, but did show that his greatest strength might be his stifling defense.

The best news for State on the evening might have been freshman Javy Gonzalez taking part in the shootaround prior to the game, a smaller cast on the thumb he broke a couple of months ago. A combination of Degand, Gonzalez and even transfer Marques Johnson, who will be eligible after the fall semester, should work together to give NC State enough firepower at the point guard spot to challenge for the top of the ACC — because all the other pieces are in place.

P.S. Apparently, Ohio State lost to Findlay last night in an exhibition game, 70-68. No, not the national team from Finland -- Findlay. A Division II team. For comparison's sake, NC State beat the Division II defending champions ... by 37 points. Of course, Buckeye Fan will tell you that only football matters in C-Bus -- well, except for last year, when they went to the title game. Oh well. At least it gives me an opportunity to revisit the greatest Ohio State video tribute of all time.

Photo courtesy of Jeff Reeves of Pack Pride …

What Happened While Tedy Bruschi Tied His Cleats

That dude above broke one of the most significant NFL records of all-time yesterday. But you probably didn’t hear about it because he wasn’t playing in the game of the millennium. And you probably don’t know who he is because he hasn’t been caught cheating, doing ‘roids, shooting up strip clubs or impregnating supermodels.

Adrian Peterson, aka "Purple Jesus," ran for 296 yards yesterday, breaking the record of 295 yards previously held by Jamal Lewis. Adrian Peterson ran for 253 of those yards in the freaking second half alone. Adrian Peterson also became the first rookie in the history of the game to rush for more than 200 yards in a single game twice in one season. Yes, you read that right — Adrian Peterson is a rookie.

Granted, football isn’t a stats-driven sport like baseball. But I find it odd and insulting that no one found this accomplishment worthy enough to break into the Colts-Patriots game to mention it. I mean, Peterson broke one of the most prestigious single-game records in the game. Did we really need another shot of Bill Belicheat frowning or Tom Brady rubbing his chin butt or Peyton Manning massaging his horse neck instead? After all the hype surrounding “Super Bowl 41 and a Half,” you would have thought that the sheer amount of air generated by the amazing spirals tossed by Brady and Manning would have put out wildfires in San Diego or evaporated floodwaters in Haiti. But actually, all we learned was that it was only a game between two really good teams — and that Jim Nance wants to have sex with Tom Brady while Phil Simms watches with a Natty Light in his hand.

So I apologize on behalf of the football world, Adrian Peterson. Good on you. I’m just sorry that no one noticed the best story of the day -- during the most overhyped game of all time.

Limerick Friday LX: Coke, Candidates, Casting and Copywriting

The Swiss Miss has taken her racket and run
Tested positive for cocaine at Wimbledon
We thought she was just promoting Coke
But doing lines instead of just taking a toke?
Hon, the “I never took drugs” defense ain’t a winning one

Would you vote for Stephen Colbert?
As Prez, he’d bring a humorous air
Everyone’s scared that he’d do better
Than that illiterate, alcoholic Daddy debtor
Four more Republican years, none of us can bear

Do you pull for Peyton Manning, that tool?
Do you root for Belichick, who cheats like a fool?
They’re calling it Super Bowl 41 and a half
Marketing so out of control you have to laugh
I think I’d rather watch a girl drop a grumpy in a pool

Barack drops by Durham to make things clear
But he’ll have a tough time getting votes here
Especially when he won’t talk to the press
Even to clear up his related-to-Cheney mess
Yo Obama, don’t fall for it when Dick asks you to go hunting deer

Writers’ strike threatening Hollywood
If anyone could fill in, I could
I’ll be a scab and everything will be fine
I’ll script “Grey’s Anatomy” when I cross the picket line
“Mr. Vogelsberg, the network says Izzy topless doing surgery isn’t good”

Last time ...

Stop The Zombies -- Bomb Iran!

Our dazed and confused leader goes nucular on the latest threat to our national security ...