Poop Nazis, Celine Dion And A Beat You Can Dance To …

“Music makes the world go ‘round.” And requests from Guru.com to “please write a hit song” make me laugh my arse off. My in-box has been flooded with wanna-be musicians looking for a lively songwriter to help them get discovered so they can start the process of being underground, then selling out, then developing a substance-abuse problem, then acquiring an STD, then getting really fat, then going through a three-day rehab, then mowing down the paparazzi, then staging a comeback, then going to jail, then rinse, then repeat.

Courtesy of Guru.com, here is a sneak peek of some of the aspiring geniuses who will be fighting for your hard-earned money at Wal-Mart soon …


Title: Longleaf Song
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: “Looking for a funny song to perform at our neighborhood comedy night. Our community, Longleaf, is a neo-traditional neighborhood - where all the houses have front porches, tree lined streets, village greens, a (too small) Town Hall, an unfinished downtown, baseball,sand volleyball, basketball, childrens parks, tennis, hike & bike trails, etc. We have community events all year; bike
parade, comedy night, adult scavenger hunt (with limos),annual spring fling,
Buffet Carribean Memorial Day Party, easter egg hunts, movies on the green, etc. Residents use golf carts to get around town, socialize w/ neighbors, lots of
parties. We have issues with speeding & people not cleaning up after their dogs
(we have a resident 'Poop Nazi'). There are resident groups: Living Well
(Going Green), Over 50 Group, Crafty Ladies, Mommy & Me Group, Yoga, etc.

I am on a limited budget of $100.”

Problem: You’re asking me to rhyme “poop,” “Caribbean,” “Nazi,” “Mommy & Me,” “Crafty” and “Longleaft” for under $100. Impossible.

Solution: Call Gallagher. And clean up your dog shit.



Title: Looking for New Song
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: “Looking for new classical crossover/classical pop song for recording artist Angel Taormina. Must be a love song. In the style of Michael Crawford, Sarah Brightman, Celine Dion, and Andrea Bocelli. Vocal range is not a factor. Must be an original song that has not yet been recorded for profit. For more
information, please contact.”

Problem: You had me at Sarah Brightman. You lost me at Celine Dion. And “vocal range is not a factor”? Why not just write, “Awesome singer needed. Experience optional”?

Solution: Call Ashlee Simpson. Tell her you liked her better with the beak, slap her twice and ask her to write you a song or else you’ll name her father as Jon-Benet’s killer.



Title: Song writer needed
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: “Project Description:I would like a really great song that people can dance and vibe to. I want the song to be R&B/hip hop similar to artists like beyonce, 3lw, cherish, ect. The song would need to be up tempo and be something every girl and maybe even boys in their mid and late teenage years could relate to.

Project Category:Song Lyrics

Project Purpose:I will record the song in a professional studio for a demo
album, that will be sent to different record labels.

Target Audience:teenagers and young adults

Document Length:I would like the song to last for up to 3 min to 4 min.

I need the following:Writing

I will provide the following to the professional:Concept

The professional must provide the following:Melody, Lyrics

Project Start Date:9/27

Project Completion Date:11/3

I want to receive project drafts via:CD/DVD/Optical Media, Guru.com's Work Room

Payment(s) for this project will be processed via:SafePay Escrow

Additional Specifications for the Project:Additional information the the Pro
should know is that I would like this song to be a hit record. The song would
have be catchy and it has to grab the listeners attention.”

Problem: “The Pro should know is that I would like this song to be a hit record.” Really? Shouldn’t you have put that, like, at the beginning? “The song would have to be catchy and it has to grab the listeners attention.” Isn’t that another way of saying, “It has a good beat and it’s easy to dance to”? Dick Clark must be rolling over in his grave. Wait, that fucker isn’t dead yet?

Solution: Buy “Hooked On Phonics.” Stop watching Richard Simmons. And start stalking Dick Clark toot-sweet.