Friday, December 29, 2006

Limerick Friday XIII: Vaya Con Dios, 2006 ...


A time of year to be with at least one good friend
No significant other doesn’t mean it’s the world’s end
So call some pals and leave the house
Get ripped and get out and carouse
Toast the new year and say, “For myself, I can fend!”

A young boy who can’t stay up late
He’s bushed at a quarter to eight
Ate his Salisbury steak in bed
Yawned and then excitedly said,
“The cobbler in my TV dinner is great!”

A top-notch party host named Evan
He’ll recommend beers that taste just like heaven
So quit whining like a bunch of damn queers
And head to his home for New Year’s
And remember everything’s possible in 2007!

Just six players was enough for the Pack
After giving the pesky Pirates some slack
State ran its EZU record to 17-0
And said, “Lose to the Pirates?! Hell no!”
“To the trailer park is where we’re sending you back”

Another year passed with the speed of a jet
Some good times and others to forget
Everything happens for a reason
Is one sentiment to remember this season
If you ask for nothing, then nothing you’ll get



Limer-inks

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Limerick Friday X

Limerick Friday XI

Limerick Friday XII

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Doppelganger Day!

Bill Belichick has led the Patsies to three straight Super Bowl titles, cementing his spot as one of the game’s best coaches ever and earning him a seat in my Hall of Hate. He may be a football genius, but he has the personality of a block of government cheese and endorses a look on the sideline that can only be described as “Unabomber le Autumn.”

I don’t know much about Ted Forrest except that he is a professional poker player, he is a very awkward-looking person and when he smiles, it looks like someone is slowly twisting a knife into his back and he’s trying to laugh it off. But hell, he’s won almost $4 million in live tournaments thus far, so he must be doing something right.

As in my initial installment of this ill-conceived "weak"-ly project, I happen to think these two socially inept people look alike.

And yes, there is not much to do this week and, yes, this is as good as I can do right now.


Bill Belichick


Ted Forrest


Bill Belichick


Ted Forrest


Bill Belichick


Ted Forrest

Friday, December 22, 2006

Limerick Friday XII: Happy Holidays!


Festivus Day is tomorrow
A great holiday you can borrow
Grievances to be aired
Feats of strength to be shared
A metal pole to celebrate in sorrow

For Brent, a hot dog costume
For Casie, some North Carolina perfume
For Evan, great rankings on Google
For Will, some women to ogle (pronounced “oogle”)
To say you’ve all been good is too much to assume

A lunch without any phonies
A good meal with my former MSI cronies
We had some great barbecue
The laughs, they came right on cue
Then we poured out sweet tea for our homies

We bid farewell to the 2006 year
Some of us may even shed a tear
Yet we welcome the arrival of ‘07
May it be the next best thing to heaven
Or at least may it help make our futures clear

Limerick Friday is short but sweet
For vacation everybody has beat feet
So I wish you all a great holiday
Whether it’s Kwanzaa, Hanukkah or Christmas Day
May it be full of beer, love and a variety of meat

Limer-inks

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Limerick Friday X

Limerick Friday XI

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Liquor, Liquor Everywhere, And Nary A Drop To Steal ...

A liquor store robbery attempt turns into a one-man destructive assault on a quiet and still place of business.

“LaJamal sits down on a keg of beer, lights a stolen cigarette and massages nine broken ribs as he waits for the authorities to arrive.”

Actually, this might happen to me on Christmas Eve as I sit through more kayaking and thrift store stories from Mom and Dad alone …

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Wolfpack Trio Earns Pro Bowl Honors


Three former NC State stars will be packing their suntan oil in February, as their stellar play was rewarded with a well-deserved trip to Honolulu for the annual AFC-NFL Pro Bowl. San Diego quarterback Philip Rivers, St. Louis wide receiver Torry Holt and Arizona strong safety Adrian Wilson were all selected to the teams, announced yesterday.

In his first year as a starter, Rivers has thrown for 2,976 yards and 18 touchdowns through 14 games, with a completion percentage of 62.8 and only eight interceptions. The Chargers are 12-2 this year, with Rivers ranking fourth in the AFC in passer rating, fourth in touchdown throws and fifth in passing yardage.

Interestingly, Rivers made the Pro Bowl while the New York Giants’ Eli Manning did not. The two will forever be linked due to a draft day trade in 2004, when San Diego selected Manning first overall and the Giants picked Rivers fourth. New York then traded the rights to Rivers and three draft picks to the Chargers for the rights to Manning. Two of those draft selections, linebacker Shawne Merriman and kicker Nate Kaeding, were also named to the Pro Bowl this year along with Rivers. How’s that trade working out for you, New York?

Making his sixth Pro Bowl appearance, Holt eclipsed the 1,000-yard mark for the seventh straight year. In 14 games, he has 80 receptions for 1,044 yards and 10 touchdowns, averaging 13.1 yards per grab. He’s tied for second in the NFC in receiving scores, tied for third in receptions and fourth in receiving yards. He’ll start for the NFC squad in Hawaii.

Long considered one of the game’s top safeties, Wilson finally earned his first selection to the Pro Bowl this year. A season ago, he was snubbed after establishing an NFL record for sacks by a defensive back with eight. This year, he has registered 76 tackles, four sacks, four interceptions, four forced fumbles and two fumble recoveries for the Cardinals. Amazingly, he has two 99-yard returns for touchdowns on the campaign, one on an interception and one on a fumble. He’ll line up as the starting strong safety for the NFC.

The total of three alumni in the Pro Bowl game puts NC State in a tie for second-most among colleges this year. Congratulations to these former Pack standouts and good luck the rest of the way …

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Creativity Is The Great Uncompensated Gift

This one's for all my writer friends who hold onto the fantasy that they can achieve a sustainable living through writing. In the equivalent of "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!", Santa Claus definitively dashes those dreams.

"All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up." --Pablo Picasso

Hang in there, all you starving artists.

Monday, December 18, 2006

That Dude Kinda Looks Like ...

For as long as I can remember, I have always had a knack for picking out look-a-likes and doppelgangers … people who look freakishly alike. It is sort of like that game “Concentration” that some were forced to play as kids.

Anyway, I was watching ESPN last week and NBA analyst Marc Stein was called onto Sportscenter to discuss the impending Allen Iverson trade. As he eagerly pounced on the questions to demonstrate how “inside” he was, I noticed that he looked disturbingly like a grown-up version of Angus T. Jones, who plays Jake Harper on “Two and a Half Men.” This may be humorous only to me and the two NBA fans left in the world – actually, I’m guessing the odds of finding an NBA fan AND someone who watches “Two and a Half Men” are next to nil – but I’m going with it anyway. After all, it’s Monday of the week before Christmas and no one is doing anything and pretending to look busy.

Stay tuned for an obscure poker player who looks sorta like an NFL head coach ...


Marc Stein


Angus T. Jones


Marc Stein


Angus T. Jones

Friday, December 15, 2006

Limerick Friday XI: A Festivus For The Rest Of Us


Since I’m feeling the holiday spirit (translation: shotgunning Irish coffee and passing out under the desk in my cubicle) and since many of you will be out for most or all of next week for Christmas, I expanded Limerick Friday this week. Therefore, I am proud to introduce and give you … the Ultra-Extravagant, Super-Sized, Double-Whammy, Feats-Of-Strength, Airing-Of-Grievances Festivus Limerick Spectacular!

Carry on …

It’s Christmas-time in our Raleighwood city
I’m guessing no bonuses coming down the SEO chimney
Use Amazon to avoid trips to the mall
Chewbacca shops at Wookie Big ‘N’ Tall
Marco and Etoria are coming over to put up my Christmas tree

Where are all the good TV shows?
I miss Seinfeld and even Klinger’s nose
There ain’t a damn thing good on TV
Don’t wait for commercials anymore to pee
Creative ideas went somewhere that nobody knows

Casie’s posts are staring to scare me
Every weekend, a vomiting jamboree
Tricking drunk dudes into bed
Then hooking up with Muppets instead
The hobbit’s in for quite a time on New Year’s Eve

Holiday goodies galore
Excuses to eat like a boar
Everything ends in “chocolatey prize”
Got tree trunks where you once had thighs
Don’t complain when you can’t fit through the door

Family hides from him on Thanksgiving
Mentions a girlfriend and they all know he’s fibbing
Can’t use a car wash without breaking shite
Helps girls move and then they just say, “Good night”
Try something else because this ain’t much of a living

“Stranger Than Fiction” was a pretty good flick
You just never know when from these movies you pick
Like the “The Truman Show” for Jim Carrey
Will Farrell wanted a drama he could carry
Still liked him better on “Old School” when he was getting sick

Dad gets a sailing calendar annually
Mom wanted some freaking Enya CD
It’s a banner year in our holiday household
Predictable, cheesy gifts just never get old
I spiked the egg nog, so I think I’ll have a drink or three

One writer left and he’s got humps like a camel
Schizophrenic and dumb as a wood panel
If he hears a laugh he’ll shit in his pants
Then go off on more paranoid rants
Hell, now he’s lying about going to Channel

Two struggling bachelors who just don’t know what to do
From George Costanza they could learn a thing or two
What you’re doing is a disaster and a fright
So the opposite must necessarily be right
You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit, that’s your cue

A former coworker meeting at Danny’s
Literace can’t attend, he lunches with trannies
More people at lunch than where we used to work
Laughing and joking over cole slaw and pork
Wondering why Will keeps talking about dudes’ fannies

Limer-inks

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Limerick Friday X

Thursday, December 14, 2006

“Fuck It, Dude. Let’s Go Bowling.”

As most know from my September 28 post, “The Big Lebowski” is one of my favorite movies of all time. If you don’t hold it in the same regard quite yet, you will after watching this video. As an added bonus, the video also serves as a stress reliever if you are having a tough day at work.

“Fuck sympathy. I don't need your fucking sympathy. I need my fucking johnson!”

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Report: Human Bobbleheads Are Poor Drivers


The incredible shrinking pretend-celeb, Nicole Ritchie, was arrested in the early morning hours of Dec. 11 after failing a field sobriety test. Apparently, the appearance of a black Mercedes SUV roaring the wrong way down the 134 freeway in Burbank, piloted only by a human bobblehead, alarmed motorists enough to call 911. When cops tracked her down at 1:45 a.m., Ritchie had apparently thought it would be a good idea to turn in the correct direction, park in the car-pool lane and make a call on her cell phone. Despite being the only car on the road, she told police officers that she was following a “friend.” No truth to the rumor that her father’s song “Zoomin’” was playing on the radio at the time.

She told authorities that she had imbibed a Vicodin-and-marijuana cocktail, but they said that she was both “cooperative” and “humble,” alleged to be the first time she has ever experienced these adjectives and fueling speculation that the medical profession, for the first time, is advocating a permanent Vicodin-and-THC IV for Ritchie.

Considering that she endangered countless lives while careening the wrong way down a major road in one of the most densely populated areas in the country, Ritchie is lucky that the only charge she faces is DUI, with a Feb. 7 court date. After being processed, the 25-year-old “skelebrity” was released from Glendale Police Department at 7:15 in the morning after a $15,000 bail was posted. I’m going to assume that she then skipped breakfast.

It was not Ritchie’s first “scrape” with the law; she was nabbed for heroin possession in February 2003. Perhaps most alarmingly, the Ritchie arrested in 2003 was a 5-2, 90-pound white woman; this Ritchie is a 5-1, 85-pound black woman. Most are assuming that it is the same person and that starving yourself can have side effects such as shrinkage and changing of race. When asked for comment, Christina Ricci’s representatives issued a statement reading simply, “Sho nuff, cracker bitches. Word.”

Reportedly, Lindsay Lohan immediately released a letter begging her one-time friend to “hafta” be “adequite,” referring to Ritchie as the grandmother she never had. She also wrote that, for the “12st” time, getting arrested is “tedious” and that the wind had been knocked out of her heart. There were no comments from Paris Hilton or Britney Spears, who have been allegedly shopping for crotchless baby outfits for days.

E! Television is reportedly already working on a script based largely on Saturday Night Live’s “Toonces the Driving Cat” skit, a reality show in which Ritchie is forced to vomit every mile while her miniature poodle navigates a Hummer the wrong way down the Santa Monica Boulevard. Disney has optioned the movie rights as a possible “Herbie the Love Bug” sequel.

Fight the good, fight, Nicole. Let your father’s words from “Running With the Night” serve as your motto:

“On the boulevard wild and free
Giving all we got, we laid it down
Taking every shot, we took the town
We were running with the night”

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Five Questions with Justin Gainey


Justin Gainey was certainly not the biggest, nor the fastest, nor the strongest point guard to ever wear the Red and White, but as former coach Herb Sendek often said, no player ever maximized their abilities like Gainey did. He cemented his role in NC State history quickly, establishing a record that will likely never be broken by playing every minute of the Pack’s miraculous run from the No. 8 seed to the finals of the 1997 ACC Tournament—160 minutes in four games. What makes the mark even more amazing is that Gainey was a freshman at the time, and the diminutive youngster often found himself matched up with much larger opponents in the post due to the Pack’s lack of depth.

Gainey is now working as an administrative coordinator for NC State under new hoops coach Sidney Lowe. I recently did an interview with Justin for Pack Pride, and here are five questions and answers.

This year’s version of the Wolfpack does not have a deep bench, relying on a six-man rotation through most of the early part of the season. Does this team remind you of the 1997 team that you were a part of, with the “Iron Five” that played just about every minute of the ACC Tournament that season?
“It does a lot. It’s kind of like déjà vu for me, with guys getting injured and a slim bench. But the guys continue to work hard every day in practice and they’re bringing it, and that’s what really makes it all seem like ‘Groundhog Day.’”

What made you want to get into coaching?
“I had been overseas playing ball for a couple of years and then I played in the USBL, and when I came back and settled down, I actually started working over at the athletics office. When Coach Lowe was hired, a position came open.

“Initially, when I first came back from overseas, I decided I wanted to get back into coaching, and this was the perfect opportunity to get a taste of it and get my foot in the door. The position was open and I got the job, and it’s just been great. Coach Lowe is great to work for; he has a lot of basketball knowledge and he’s a Wolfpacker through and through. He welcomed me in, and it’s been good to be back a part of it and in what’s going on. It’s great to see the Wolfpack family back together; it’s been a dream come true.”

You are one of three former NC State point guards on this staff, and one of five—out of seven—on this staff who played hoops for the Wolfpack. In your opinion, how important is that to a coaching staff on this level?
“I think it’s great for all of us with experience playing for NC State … Having that connection of being part of it as a player and to be here now and you’re coaching. It’s easy for you to explain to prospects that it’s a great place to be. You can say, ‘I’ve seen it from the playing level, and I’ve seen it from the coaching level also.’

“And you’re always welcomed back because of the family atmosphere. I see a lot of former players back at games, and it’s unbelievable. We had a little player reunion earlier this year, and all these guys were there. I mean, I got to meet Hawkeye Whitney! All these former great players that you had heard about when you played here, and you got to see them and meet them. It was a treat for everybody to be in the same room.”

What was your reaction when you found out that your former coach, Herb Sendek, was leaving State?
“I was surprised, especially because it was April Fool’s Day. I was out in the mall with my family, and I got a call from someone saying that Coach Sendek was leaving, and I told them they have to be joking, that it was April Fool’s. But then I got home and saw it on TV. I was stunned, because I knew how much he loved NC State. But it was a good opportunity out there for him also, so he had to do what’s best for him and his family. I wish him and [assistant] Arch [Miller] and Coach [Mark] Phelps the best.”

Did you keep up with the ensuing coaching search much?
“It got pretty interesting, and the News & Observer did a good job of making it interesting, with their countdown saying ‘39 days’ or whatever. But I tried to track and see what’s going on with how they were figuring out the right person. It seems like the News & Observer had a new head candidate every other day, but I didn’t put too much time into it. I had faith in [athletics director Lee] Coach Fowler and the Wolfpack Club and those guys, that they would make the right decision. And they made a great decision, a great choice by hiring Coach Lowe.”

Friday, December 08, 2006

Limerick Friday X: Adrian Fights Mickey’s Ghost


Crazy Google searches find your blog space
Will usually types in “How to defeat mace”
Casie inspires ones like “Locker room escapades”
Paul’s are more, “Sixteen Candles panty raids”
Somebody found mine once with “tattoos on the face”

A shoutout to my friend Samwise Dingo
Landed a great job and now he’s raring to go
Ready to leave keywords in the dust
For a place where common sense is a must
That’ll be a nice change, as all of us well know

NC State hired an Irish redhead
Though some wanted Navy’s coach instead
He wins and he graduates players
While that Johnson coaches future sailors
O’Brien knows our school color ain’t yellow, it’s red

Collects college sweatshirts, you see
Cheers for Dook, EZU and UNC?!
Pirates and Devils and Heels, oh my
Ugly enough to make a blind date cry
Now he’s stalking poor kids as a Jaycee

Evan’s friend decided that poker he’d ditch
Everyone realizes that’s the move of a bitch
If you break plans with your boys,
All your excuses are just noise
Unless you’re the meat in a Scarlett-Salma sandwich

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Tommy O’Irish Comes To Raleigh


Reports from every corner of the universe indicate that Boston College coach Tom O’Brien will be NC State’s new head man, and it says here that this is a terrific hire for the Wolfpack.

O'Brien felt slighted at B.C. in terms of fan support, facilities and pay. O’Brien goes 9-3 every year at with the Eagles and goes to crap bowls like the George Foreman Meineke Car Care Bowl ... 9-3 at State gets you to the Peach Bowl or better because our fans travel so well. I always felt Boston College teams played hard-nosed, fundamentally sound, disciplined football -- kinda like the Big 10, actually, in my opinion -- with dominant play in the trenches. The more I hear about this hire, the more I am liking it. Hell, who wouldn’t like a redheaded Irishman running your football team?

O'Brien was vastly underpaid (making roughly $250K less than Amato after 10 years at B.C.!) and had floated his name for several jobs in the last few years, INCLUDING UNC's before they hired Butch Davis. I think the ACC frowns on these situations in most cases, but there are no repercussions or recourse for punishment. Hell, State is the redheaded-stepchild of the league and always gets the crap end of the stick anyway, so I'm glad we didn't hesitate. Most people will tell you that commissioner John Swofford actually pushed State to interview Miami coach Frank Haith when Herb Sendek left, so I guess the "unwritten law" only extends so far.

NC State fans are running about 50-50 on this hire, with the ill-informed mouth-breathers who used to curse at Melanie Sendek in the RBC Center threatening to give up seating rights and typing things like, “Why dint we go own en get dat Johnsun boy from Naval?!!!!1111 Dang Foolwer11!!!” To be fair, here are some of the cons that have come up thus far:

He’s Herb Sendek: This is the most popular one. There is a notion among Boston College fans that O’Brien had taken their program as high as it could go under his direction and that he couldn’t win the big game. Except the Eagles have gone to eight consecutive bowls – a school record – and have won six of those in a row, the best streak in the country. Boston College has gone 9-3 three straight years. Sendek led State to five straight NCAA Tournament appearances and one Sweet Sixteen berth, but this is a school with two national championships, brought basketball to the forefront in the South and boasts the greatest player to ever lace up sneakers in the conference. Eagles fans remember Doug Flutie skipping around, throwing jump passes, doing dropkicks and sporting a wicked midget mullet. News flash, folks: that was almost a quarter of a century ago!

He’s not a “sexy” hire: No, he’s not -- but State couldn't have gotten that from anyone but Pittsburgh Steelers coach and NC State alum Bill Cowher.

He’s not on par with Bitch Davis: Why does it matter what UNC does? What have the Tar Heels ever done in football to make them a program to mirror for NC State? They are a basketball school who is trying to make a commitment to football by throwing millions of dollars around and trying to buy relevance on a national scale. He may be all they hope he can be; but can you honestly say that a guy who hasn’t coached on the college level in six years and has been out of football for almost three will do better right away than O’Brien, who has proven himself in this conference and over the past decade in college football?

He’s too old: O’Brien is 58 – two years older than Davis and two years younger than Chuck Amato. One of the positives there is that if he gets burned out in a few years, that may put NC State in a more feasible position to go after Cowher, if he is itching to get back in the game at that point.

Here is a list of a few of the other candidates on NC State’s list and a summary of how I feel about them in relation to the Wolfpack:

Paul Johnson, Navy:
This guy proved only one thing to me: that his stubborn attitude wouldn’t cut it in Raleigh; we already tried that with Amato. Apparently, Johnson likes to tell interested teams that he won’t interview if he isn’t one of the top two candidates … plus, he told State that he wouldn’t come to them to interview, they had to come to him. Dude, I don’t know if anyone told you this … but you are the coach at NAVY. Also, he makes $1.3 million a year at Navy! Can I justify paying a guy with stops at only Georgia Southern and Navy upwards of $1.5 million? No chance … especially with an option-based offense. I like to win as much as anyone, but am I going to sit there for three hours every Saturday watching a series of three-yard fullback dives? Nope. His attitude, questions about his recruiting ability and wondering whether he would be willing to tailor his offense to our personnel made me very glad we passed. Our strength on offense is the skill position guys like Justin Burke and Harrison Beck at quarterback, Andre Brown and Toney Baker at running back, and a flurry of tall, promising wide receivers. That doesn’t fit the flex option at all and I think Johnson is just stubborn enough to say, “I am going to prove to everyone that my offense works on the highest levels of college football, personnel be damned.” No thanks.

Jimbo Fisher, LSU, offensive coordinator:
This was the No. 1 guy on my list. Fisher recruits Florida for LSU, won a national title as the top coordinator, is only 41 years old, could have been had at a bargain price, would have assembled a top-notch staff and wanted the job badly. I still wish we would have at least interviewed him.

Norm Chow, Tennessee Titans, offensive coordinator:
I wanted us to interview him, too. Ask him why he has never been a head coach? Does he really want to be one? Does he have the passion and energy to attend to every detail that goes along with running your own program? Look him in the eye, ask him these questions, hear his answers and make an informed decision on how to proceed.

Steve Logan, radio host:
If we hired a coach that EZU fired, I would have driven myself into a bridge abutment. I really don’t know what else to say about that.

Mike Sherman, Houston Texans, assistant head coach:
I would have talked to him, but that’s about it. He’s looking to get back into the NFL because he’s floating his name for every job.

Steve Kragthorpe, Tulsa:
He’s looking to land a gig at one of the powerhouse programs and is content to stay put until he gets one.

Here a neat trick I like to use sometimes. Take out one variable – the coach’s name.

Coach A is one of the best coaches in America. Coach A has the longest bowl winning streak in the nation. Coach A graduates players. Coach A wins in a part of the country where college football is about fourth-fiddle on the sports hierarchy. Coach A is a member of your conference. Coach A has won and successfully recruited within your conference. Coach A is interested in your job. Wouldn’t you be interested in Coach A?

Coach A is Tom O’Brien … and he’s the new leader of the Pack.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

George Foreman Bowl To Decide Newest Pack Coach?


On December 30, Navy and Boston College will tangle in the Meineke Car Care Bowl in Charlotte, N.C. At stake? Not only does the winner take home a beautiful crystal muffler (OK, I may be making that up), but it could very well be that the winning coach will be the new leader of the Pack.

Ever since Chuck Amato was ousted as State’s coach just after Thanksgiving, baseless speculation and a flurry of rumors have surrounded the vacant Wolfpack job. Jimbo Fisher, Bo Pellini, Paul Johnson, Mike Sherman, Steve Kragthorpe, David Cutcliffe, Dick Sheridan, June Jones, Norm Chow, Bobby Johnson, Jerry Glanville, Jim Donnan and Larry Coker are just a few of the names that have popped up in connection with the position.

The name gaining the most momentum in recent hours has been Boston College head man Tom O’Brien. Among the many checks in O’Brien’s favor are that he churns out NFL offensive linemen like they’re going out of style; his teams exhibit a disciplined, hard-nosed fundamentally sound style of play; he has carved out a niche for the Eagles in an area in which college football plays about fourth-fiddle; he has come to be known as a strong recruiter in the Northeast; he is highly, highly respected within the coaching community, leading most observers to believe that he should be able to assemble a strong staff; and he consistently wins. B.C. just finished its third straight regular season with a 9-3 record and will be playing in its eighth bowl in a row while trying to build on its streak of sixth straight bowl victories – best in the nation. In 2004, O’Brien earned the American Football Coaches’ Association’s Academic Achievement Award by posting a 100-percent graduation rate; he’s garnered honorable-mention accolades in this category seven other times.

A native of Ohio, O’Brien ironically is a graduate of the Naval Academy. He served as an assistant at Navy and Virginia before taking over the Eagles program a decade ago. Rumor has it that O’Brien has been unhappy over the lack of facilities, support and commitment at Boston College when it comes to football. He reportedly has campaigned for a few jobs in recent years due to this dissatisfaction.

On the downside, O’Brien is 58 years old and is relatively unfamiliar with the Southeast, though his experience at Virginia and within the Atlantic Coast Conference should make the learning curve easier to handle. Also, in the interest of full disclosure, he is the subject of this humorous, yet thought-provoking site. As an interesting side note, O’Brien’s title at Boston College is actually sponsored: he is the Gregory P. Barber and Family Head Football Coach at Boston College. Interestingly, I was the Marco Mirales y Familia Content Strategist at KeywordSourcedMarketRankingSmartCherishInteractive for a little while. But I digress …

Johnson proponents cite the Navy coach’s consistent winning, North Carolina roots (he’s a Western Carolina alum from Newland, N.C.) and relative youth (48). However, many folks question how his flex option offense will translate into the ACC, his ability to recruit at the highest levels, his attitude concerning his availability for other coaching positions and the price tag that comes along with his hire. Multiple sources have indicated that Johnson will refuse to interview for any opportunity unless he is assured that he is one of the top two candidates, which seems a little too uppity for my liking, coming from the coach at Navy. Media outlets report that Johnson makes $1.3 million per year (with incentives) at Navy … could NC State justify paying a coach with stops at Georgia Southern and Navy upwards of a million-and-a-half beans per year? Would Pack fans be willing to sit through (potentially) a series of fullback dives for three hours every Saturday? Could Johnson tailor his offense to match the existing Wolfpack personnel, especially the potential talent available at the skill positions? Would Johnson be able to put together a staff that would ease his transition to the ACC and its recruiting trails?

To the dismay of many Pack fans, Fisher’s candidacy has apparently been ended prematurely, with NC State cancelling his interview that was slated for this week. This leads most to speculate that the Wolfpack’s focus has been narrowed to Johnson and O’Brien. While this writer believes that it is shortsighted of State to eliminate prospects such as Fisher, Chow and Kragthorpe without as much as an interview, if the Pack is indeed down to the above two candidates, it appears that the search has been a relative success.

Could the Meineke Car Care Bowl winner’s next stop be in Raleigh, to set up shop in the Murphy Center? If so, Meineke pitchman George Foreman is somewhere smiling … and likely grilling something. And the eternal debate on whether State did the right thing in firing Amato and made the right choice in selecting the new coach will continue until results can actually be seen on the field.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Pork-Rinding the Vote and Promising Not to Get Sick


Last month, Brent and Paul had some spirited back and forth concerning the relative academic and intelligence merits of Virginia vs. North Carolina. Even though Paul ended the conversation with a strange reference to the fact that he has no asshole and that Asian kids can vary their height according to how many burgers and fries they eat, it was an interesting debate.

To further the argument, I scoured the AP wire and found two highly disturbing stories emanating from Virginia and West Virginia. The first dealt with a Medicaid pilot project taking place in West Virginia. According to the New York Times,

“In a pilot phase starting in three rural counties over the next few months, many West Virginia Medicaid patients will be asked to sign a pledge ‘to do my best to stay healthy,’ to attend ‘health improvement programs as directed,’ to have routine checkups and screenings, to keep appointments, to take medicine as prescribed and to go to emergency rooms only for real emergencies.”

“I promise to stay healthy?!” Priceless. “I’ll do my best to avoid having other cars run into me and I’ll try not to fall as much or juggle sharp objects.” Ah, the forward-thinking ideology of health insurance reform during the final term of the antichrist …

On a lighter note, the Richmond Times-Dispatch shares a charming story of a former mayor in Virginia who was caught trying to rig a local election with bribes of – wait for it – pork rinds. Yes. Freaking pork rinds. Plus, in addition to forging absentee ballots, potential voters were also offered bribes of “booze, cigarettes, prescription medication and snacks.”

Unsurprisingly, this took place in Appalachia …

“Hey, Billy Joe Jim Bob Jason Ray, Jr., I’ll a-give ye some Rohypnol and some Nabs if ye’un vote fer me. I done bet Myrtle Bea will like that, sure ‘nough.”

Hopefully, Paul will take a little time away from playing Galaga and Defender with his Hari Krishna buddies down at the arcade and ponder why his part of the world is now dominated by the ideas of “rubbing dirt” on open wounds, “walking off” major knee injuries and carving a path to the White House using only fried, processed pig parts.

Monday, December 04, 2006

The Heffernans Return to Prime-Time, Beating Out Other Pilots


A coupla months back, I lamented the absence of “King of Queens” in the fall prime-time lineup. The geniuses at CBS – obviously avid Scooter & Hum readers – finally bowed to the groundswell of support for the ousted show and have agreed to put Doug, Carrie, Arthur-itis, Deac, Spence, Danny and Holly back on the air. The show debuts this season on Wednesday at 8 p.m. on CBS with back-to-back episodes, with 13 episodes slated to be aired between now and May. It sounds like these baker’s dozen will be the swan song for this hilarious show, making way for these 10 pilots:

“PunyK’d”: the tale of a blind midget publisher having tricks played on him by his employees

“Big Madre”: the tale of an irate Cuban woman running a nursery

“My Jaycee Life”: the tale of a semi-retarded redneck going on dates armed only with a box of ice cream, a coffeemaker and a hand truck

“A Hard Hobbit to Break”: the tale of a diminutive techie who is fired in new and creative ways by the Bobs from “Office Space”

“We’re All In”: the tale of a group of startup executives who base major corporate decisions on hands of Texas Hold ‘em poker

“Track Gruesome Recluse’s Kudos: TGRK”: “America’s Most Wanted”-style show following a suspected serial killer through his daily activities

• “That Liberace Had Style”: a game show in which the contestants ask 20 questions of a guest in a quest to guess his/her preference

“Fletch Got Nuthin’ On Me”: reality show depicting a habitual liar as he goes on interviews in an attempt to convince human resource departments that he is the “right guy for the job”

“Pippy Bong-Stocking”: colorful, gum-chewing free spirit bitches higher-ups into submission in an attempt to accrue as much pot money as she can while doing the least amount of work possible

“Givin’ ‘Em Dell”: video game-style show that combines “Operation” and “Donkey Kong,” requiring online viewers to attach a neck to an inanimate body, climb to the top of a building to save would-be suicide jumpers and then attempt to start a computer company using only a pitching wedge, a dradle and a chicken finger.

Honorable Mention: "Got My Back, Hack?": in a Pac Man parody, a paranoid manic-depressive maneuvers his way through stacks of his own reports in a dimly lit office, trying to find his spine. Sadly, even Fox would not touch this one.

OK, I am guessing on most of these ideas. But if they are not in development, they should be. Wait … do I smell a new “Project Greenlight” season?

Friday, December 01, 2006

Limerick Friday IX: Farewell Sweet November


After a brief hiatus, Limerick Friday is back, obviously … hell, it’s Sweeps Week! The material is rampant, so there’s no excuse for half-arsed limericks this week.

And off we go …

All of the fans Chuck thought he could fool
‘Til his team started to look like a dog’s stool
Losing to EZU at the Finley was the final straw
All you saw was fat chicks wearing purple, chewing chaw
I guess it’s back to being just a basketball school

Casie had an eventful Thanksgiving break
Went to a gigantic disco, for christ’s sake
The Cookie Monster fondled her body
Then she hooked up in a Port-A-Potty
The poor Muppit said “Dammit, I knew those were fake”

Brent’s growing a ‘porn stache for fun
Buying Amber Vision stock by the ton
His poor wife simply has to be a saint
Putting up with hi-jinx that would make most faint
What’s next? He’s auditioning for “Reno 911”

On sausage balls he chews to no end
Wears purple like he’s Barney’s “male friend”
His grammar even worse than Marco’s
Tries roofies but his dates take No-Doze
Got his degree by counting to 10 and pressing “Send”

Thinking of MSI is where the sadness begins
I miss all those farewell lunches at Bennigan’s
Luckily we’ve all moved on from there
Tho some no farther than the freaking State Fair
Now I play the triangle for the Port-A-John Shenanigans

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Monday, November 27, 2006

Amato Era Ends With Thoughts Of What Might Have Been


“We’re just trying to get these guys to believe in themselves. We want them to believe that they can do things aggressively and not get intimidated by anybody. We want to do the intimidating.

“We want to chase the football hard, and we want to get there with a bad disposition.”

With those words in the spring of 2000, Chuck Amato ushered in one of the most exciting eras in the storied history of NC State football. The brash, energetic Amato had finally received the opportunity he had been waiting for at his alma mater, and he was determined to make sure that everyone knew that he planned on turning the college football world on its ear.

Amato was the captain of the famed 1967 “White Shoes Defense” as a linebacker for the Wolfpack, and he also captured two ACC wrestling titles during his time as a student-athlete. While at State, he earned a bachelor’s degree in mathematics in 1969 and a master’s degree in education in 1973. After assistant-coaching stops at his prep alma mater, Easton Area High School; his college alma mater, NC State; and the University of Arizona, Amato joined Bobby Bowden’s staff at Florida State. He spent 18 years in Tallahassee, helping the Seminoles win eight straight conference championships. However, Amato yearned to return to NC State to guide his own program, and in 2000, he got his chance.

The coach with the predominant pecs had barely a month to put together a 20-man recruiting class that was widely regarded as the ACC’s worst. However, the group included a pair of lightly regarded Alabama natives in quarterback Philip Rivers and receiver Jerricho Cotchery, and the duo would go on to become one of the most prolific aerial tandems in the history of the Atlantic Coast Conference.

Amato’s first team had some top-notch talents in tailback Ray Robinson and wideout Koren Robinson on offense and linebacker Levar Fisher and safeties Adrian Wilson and Terrence Holt on defense, but most observers scoffed at the notion that a true freshman—even one as precocious as Rivers—could lead a team through the rugged ACC. Quickly, however, Amato made believers of his players.

“We’re going to shock the world, I promise you,” said Fisher that spring.

Fisher proved to be prophetic. Every week, NC State seemed to be involved in a contest that game down to the final moments, leading to Amato joking about taking nitroglycerine tablets by the handful. In Amato’s first game, State upended Arkansas State in double overtime, and a nearly three weeks later, in a nationally televised Thursday night game, the Pack outlasted Georgia Tech in overtime again. The Wolfpack’s overtime magic would come to an end in a double-overtime loss to Maryland late in the year, but Amato’s first team had qualified for the MicronPC.com Bowl. In a fitting end to a year that had featured the motto “Finish,” the Pack overcome a 24-0 deficit to beat Minnesota, 38-30, finishing the year at 8-4. Behind Rivers’s right arm and offensive coordinator Norm Chow’s offensive genius, the Wolfpack established single-season school marks for pass completions, attempts and fewest turnovers, and finished second all-time in NC State annals in passing yardage.

Amato parlayed the strong initial campaign into a highly acclaimed recruiting class. The 30-man group was considered the No. 9 haul in the country by guru Max Emfinger and No. 12 nationally by ESPN.com, who called NC State “the big surprise this year.” Among the notable developments were landing Dovonte Edwards out of rival UNC-Chapel Hill’s backyard; the arrival of three junior college standouts—Shawn Price, Terrance Chapman and Terrance Martin—to bolster the defensive line; and landing 10 players out of the state of Florida. Sunshine State natives Tramain Hall, Jay Davis, Greg Golden, Sterling Hicks, Marcus Hudson, Andre Maddox and Patrick Thomas would become mainstays of Amato’s first few teams.

Debuting the motto “Full Speed Ahead,” Amato’s 2001 squad finished at 7-5, with the signature victory coming when State dealt Florida State its first-ever ACC home loss. A tearful Amato embraced his former mentor, Bowden, at midfield following the game. While the Pack was defeated by Pittsburgh in the Tangerine Bowl, NC State established another impressive school record, turning the ball over just 13 times in 11 regular-season contests.

On the recruiting trails, Amato & Co. landed arguably the nation’s top cornerback, A.J. Davis; one of the finest receivers in the country, Richard Washington; and All-American tailback T.A. McLendon in the Class of 2001. The 24-man class was rated No. 30 in the land by Prep Football Report, but an argument could be made that the group could be considered Amato’s best in terms of top-to-bottom depth. Among the lesser-ranked players who proved to be huge contributors to the Pack were receiver Brian Clark, kicker/punter John Deraney, offensive lineman Leroy Harris, safety Garland Heath, linebacker Oliver Hoyte, defensive end/linebacker Manny Lawson, linebacker Patrick Lowery, defensive tackle John McCargo, offensive tackle James Newby and tight end T.J. Williams.

Off the field, Amato fought the erroneous perception, perpetuated by in-state schools, that the Wolfpack was concentrating its recruiting efforts in the state of Florida instead of its home state.

“We signed more people from in-state than anywhere else,” Amato said in 2001. “This is the base.

“We were in every school in this state in May. Our coaches knocked on every door in North Carolina, and we’re going to do it again this May.”

No one was questioning NC State’s reputation on the field. The breakthrough season that Amato had dreamed about had arrived, with the Pack reeling off nine straight wins to start the season and earning a No. 8 ranking in the polls. Even after three consecutive heartbreaking losses, the Wolfpack lived up to its “Step Up” motto, beating Florida State once more and then hammering Notre Dame in the Gator Bowl for its school-record 11th victory. Raleigh had a downtown parade to honor the team’s accomplishments, and amidst the fanfare and confetti, no one could have predicted that it would turn out to be Amato’s only year with a winning conference record (5-3).

Amato and his coaches responded by fashioning its finest recruiting haul, on paper. Headlined by All-Americans Mario Williams, Derek Morris and Marcus Stone, the group was considered the best in the conference and No. 8 nationally by SuperPrep. Standouts Darrell Blackman, Raymond Brooks, Jamesly Jean, James Martin, LeRue Rumph, Miguel Scott, Jimmie Sutton III, Stephen Tulloch and DeMarcus “Tank” Tyler were also part of a class that earned attention with a remarkable seven early enrollees. When the brand-new Wendell H. Murphy Football Center opened a couple of months later, NC State football was arguably riding as high as it had at any other point in the program’s history.

In 2003, Rivers’s final season, the team’s motto was “Cut It Loose”—and Rivers did just that. He and the Pack set school records for total offense, first downs, passing attempts, completions, yards, completion percentage, touchdowns and points scored. Rivers was tabbed ACC Player of the Year, but the 8-5 record was something of a disappointment, even after the Pack took apart Kansas, 56-26, in the Tangerine Bowl.

State’s Class of 2004 featured in-state standouts Andre Brown, Gerard Miller and DeMario Pressley, plus Florida natives Octavius Darby, John Dunlap, DaJuan Morgan and Willie Young, but, for the first time, the high-risk, high-reward recruiting strategy employed by assistants such as Doc Holliday and Chris Demarest began to falter in this class. The group was tabbed as the No. 27 class in the country by G&W Recruiting, but in recruiting circles, the 18-man haul was marked more for its near-misses than the players who ultimately signed with the Pack.

The following season, cracks began to appear in the façade constructed by Amato. The motto of “Discipline” became something of a running joke among observers after the Wolfpack finished at 5-6 and was decimated by penalties and turnovers. State boasted the nation’s top overall defense, but inconsistency at the quarterback position and undisciplined play stymied their efforts all year long. State didn’t qualify for a bowl game for the first time in the Amato era, leading the coach to vow never to have another losing season.

The recruiting Class of 2005 included blue-chippers such as Toney Baker, Curtis Crouch, J.C. Neal and Kyle Newell, but did not contain the depth and athleticism of previous classes, marking two straight years that the recruiting haul had declined in quality.

When NC State won just two of its first six games in 2005, Amato realized that a change was needed at signal-caller. He removed redshirt senior Davis for redshirt sophomore Stone, and despite a similar lack of passing production, the Pack responded by winning four of its last five games to earn a bid to the Meineke Car Care Bowl in Charlotte, N.C. The Wolfpack’s rock-solid defense lifted the squad to a shutout win over South Florida and a 7-5 mark for the campaign. The good vibes from the fantastic finish were short-lived, however, with Williams, McCargo, Tulloch and Morris all deciding to leave NC State early for the NFL Draft. Though the season motto had been “Trust,” onlookers began to question whether these departing players trusted whether Amato still had the program on the right track.

The Wolfpack’s Class of 2006 was stacked mostly with lightly regarded athletes, many of whom were considered projects or ‘tweeners, players without an obvious position who would be fitted into the right spot in time. For the first time, questions about Amato’s future had a tangible impact on off-the-field recruiting efforts.

Instead of answers to the queries about the head coach, the beginning of the 2006 season brought only more questions. State lost two of its first three games, with a controversial loss to Akron at home and a blowout road loss to Southern Mississippi. Amato benched Stone for hometown product and legacy recruit Daniel Evans, and he helped the Pack pull out dramatic wins over Boston College and Florida State, giving the Wolfpack back-to-back conference victories over ranked opponents and a leg up on the fight for the ACC championship. Improbably, though, NC State lost its final seven games of the year, with each and every week seeming to bring a narrow loss in which NC State had every opportunity to win.

Like in 1999, NC State lost to rival UNC and in-state foe East Carolina to end the season, creating the circumstances that paved the way for Amato to land his dream job. Seven years before, it had cost Mike O’Cain his job—and it did the same for Amato.

The final report card on Amato showed his final overall record to be 49-37, with a 25-31 mark in conference play. The record was similar to his predecessor O’Cain’s (41-40, 26-30) and paled in comparison to that of O’Cain’s predecessor, Dick Sheridan, 52-29-3. Say what you will about the relative strength of the Atlantic Coast Conference in these respective tenures, but Amato’s ultimate demise likely came from an underwhelming 7-7 mark against Big Four foes UNC and Wake Forest. Amato’s teams consistently appeared to play down to the level of competition and find ways to allow the other team multiple opportunities to win.

Amato was also hit hard by attrition on his coaching staffs just about every year, leading to speculation that he was a micro-manager who made it difficult for coaches to exhibit creativity or correct their own mistakes. In seven seasons, he had four different offensive coordinators (Chow, Marty Galbraith, Noel Mazzone and Marc Trestman) and four different defensive coordinators (Buddy Green, by committee, Reggie Herring and Steve Dunlap). The lack of continuity hindered the growth of offensive and defensive philosophies, relationships between players and coaches, and the approach to recruiting.

What cannot be underestimated, however, was the role that Amato played in generating excitement among the fanbase and motivating the powers-that-be to build facilities that rank among the very finest in the nation. Amato dared to dream and to bring up the possibilities of what might be achieved at a place that he held close to his heart.

“When I came to North Carolina State University, I set my dreams very high,” said Amato in a statement announcing his dismissal. “My vision was to take this program to places that it had never been before in 100-plus years of playing football.

“I didn’t come here to use this job as a stepping stone like many others have or could. I wanted to surround myself with people who would help me stretch my vision and not choke my dreams.”

When Amato addressed his team for the final time, he urged his players to continue getting good grades and to play hard for their new coach. He emotionally told them that he would be the first one to buy tickets when NC State finally earned its rightful spot in an ACC championship game. The players were moved by the words of the man they had come to play for and respect.

“Chuck went up there, heart on the outside of his chest, and just had all his emotions on his sleeve,” said sophomore cornerback Levin Neal. “After hearing that, I feel a whole lot different about everything now. He loved every one of us, and I do believe that. I believe he wants the best for us.”

With dramatic wins over Florida State, tooth-and-nail battles with Ohio State, ESPN Gameday appearances, gleaming new facilities, headline-making recruiting victories, NFL first-round draft picks and school-record fan attendance, Amato breathed life into a moribund program and made everything seem truly possible. Many fans will always look on the renovated Carter-Finley Stadium as the “House That Chuck Built” and will wonder how things might have been different if the “game of inches” had eventually turned NC State’s way.

In the end, however, Amato’s downfall was not that he dreamed too big; it is that the details that go into consistent success and resounding accomplishments were too often overlooked. That is why Pack fans say goodbye to one of their own and wish good luck to a fellow alumnus today—and why they will hold their new coach to a higher standard for having come to know and cheer for one Charles Amato.

This story also appears on Pack Pride. Thx.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Best Of ... Limerick Friday!


You know how sitcoms have crappy reruns during the holidays or when major sporting events are going on? You know how writers of shows like “Lost” get bored and just have a “recap show,” splicing together “season highlights”? Since there will be no Limerick Friday this week, I went back and put together a “Best of” compilation for your amusement. I included limericks from all our faithful readers. There were actually some funny ones that “Anonymous” had posted, but he/she seems like sort of a buttnugget, so I didn’t include those.

I also had an honorable-mention category for limericks that sort of like, well, sucked. Kind of like the handicapped kid getting a blue ribbon since he couldn’t compete in the three-legged race. The limericks aren’t ranked in any particular order, for no good reason – except I didn’t feel like it. I also didn’t edit these or put them in correct grammatical context, frankly because some of you are beyond help. I swear Borat has a better handle on the English language than some of you degenerates.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. As Michael Richards would say …

“Up here … I’m already gone.”

What?

What did you think I was going to say?

Without further ado, here are the top 15 limericks of the season. Happy holidays!

TOP 15
Once there lived a monster with no neck
He was dumb, loud and obnoxious as heck
His favorite big word was literally
He led in a way referred to as pitifully
Now he’ll have to sell knishes off Hooters’ deck

haha no dating tips from me
or maybe let me see…
will stop being such a schmuck
Paul so serious? What the f$#k?
stop trying so hard and just be

Zhao took a break from googling "guy's butts"
And searching MySpace for sluts
To make rude comments about my sister
I gave her a call and have sad news mister
She said she's not into guys with hairless nuts

Pondering a life without BizFlow,
There’s a hole in my heart, don’t you know
I’m sure it cost several mil
But it made sense to no one but Bill
A Speak ‘N’ Spell woulda been a better way to go

2 desks covered in glamour shots
2 men's wives for none had the hots
One dweeb watched the Tide through this glasses
The other excelled in kissing people's asses
No one else would touch their bathing suit spots

Creepy as hell and named Green River
He made every last one of us shiver
Dressed up for Halloween as a priest
Introduced himself to Casie 10 times at least
His favorite meal is Chianti, fava beans and liver*

will is full of tension
dood is so old he should collect pension
He needs to get some like Now
so he can layoff Mr. Brandow
Or maybe Will just likes the attention

There once was a writer named Dave
Who toiled away like a slave
He had a hack boss named Jack
Who sputtered and twitched like on crack
Porn, his life it does save

Like Nicholson in “The Shining”
His manic depression was quite binding
Looked like a worn Fred Flinstone
He tried to dig up dirt alone
Then got offended at what he was finding

A no-neck lying cult leader
Like Jim Jones except a little creepier
Pretended to fight for the rest
A Bulls game made them say, "He's the best!"
Now he sneaks away while the boat gets leakier

somenone is jealous you keeping getting bigger
while your wife's the real bread winner
you kickback sunkists
and blame xbox for limp wrists
I think for once you should cook dinner

With WebSourced Paul is in cahoots
Gives bad advice and for Will roots
Employees are hearing the alarm sound
Remember the words of your twin, Short Round
"Indy, Indy -- No more parachutes!"

That hobbit-like dude was pretty nice
Even if he got let go twice
Knocking back O'Mulligan's brews
While he tried to fit lifts in his shoes
Will he try to come back and be fired thrice?

Oh, Casie I really miss the snow
No real winter in Raleigh can really blow
But we do have a great redneck coalition
They’re the same characters you saw with the Gimp in Pulp Fiction
I’m wondering if Brent was Zed’s little leather friend in tow

Farewell to lovely Sy Snootles
We're sure to all miss her oodles
Triangle rock will never be the same
Stockings will go back to being lame
But soon she'll be back home eating Cup o' Noodles


EXTRA CREDIT
[Editor’s Note: This one was not technically a limerick, but it was pretty damn good nonetheless.]

In the span of time
That you'll read this rhyme
You'll understand what ails me
Unfortunate labor that
I no longer faovr
and feel very much like it jails me
when I first signed on
I was sold on a song
And a dance that sounded inviting
Now 12 months have passed
And all I've amassed
Is a a useless title and uncredited writing
What a way to spend a year
Leaving now would shed no tear
Going to work drunk on beer
would be enitrely satisfying
but sitting there in an empty abyss
people have left that are no longer missed
Only makes me feel like crying
as I feel my poor brain dying


HONORABLE MENTION
[Editor’s Note: Basically, these blew or, frankly, just didn’t make any goddam sense.]

Suck it up u bunch of loser dinks
Do u really think just management stinks?
Take yor heads out of asses and breathe
A lack of oxygen is making u seethe
U can cry and moan that “we were screwed”
But look in the mirror – you’re the finks

Confused Brent was feeling quite massage-y
A tight back and neck made him feel somewhat stodgy
Stripping to his boxers by choice was a little gay
But was only uncomfortable when it came time to pay
It was always free when his masseuse was Literace

Gotta Love my Virginia Tech Hokies
Last night they did better than okie-dokie
The Tigers they did spank
Next, we're taking Miami to the bank
Oh how we love to do the Hokie-Pokey!!!

Will has a blog about datin'
He's trying but all those women are hatin'
It's all good cuz you're the man
And you almost got the master plan
Just tell them byches you ain't playin'

Harry Potter is a brown-nosing bitch
About marketing his doesn't know a stitch
He hangs around because he's a shortsighted fool
But say this for that bespectacled tool
That fucker knows his way around some Quidditch

Limerick Friday I (4 comments)
Limerick Friday II (2 comments)
Limerick Friday III (42 comments)
Limerick Friday IV (56 comments)
Limerick Friday V (58 comments)
Limerick Friday VI (37 comments)
Limerick Friday VII (62 comments)

Monday, November 20, 2006

Who's The Next Coach At NC State?



The State-UNC game at Kenan Stadium on Saturday—between two teams who had lost a combined 12 games in a row—set football in the state of North Carolina back 20 years, with the Tar Heels winning, 23-9. The question becomes whether it takes the Wolfpack 20 years to realize that coach Chuck Amato is a snake oil salesman, a used car dealer, an emperor with no clothes. There is rampant speculation that the power brokers—i.e., the big-money boosters—at NC State want Amato out, and are simply hammering out the details of how to do so most smoothly and respectfully.

At the core of the issue is the looming presence of Bill Cowher 329 miles away in the Steel City. The former State linebacker and current head coach of the Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers has reportedly grown disenchanted with the pro ranks, and after taking home the Lombardi Trophy last year, could be wondering what else there is to accomplish at that level. He and his family recently bought a new home in Raleigh and Pack diehards want desperately for that to mean he would be open to taking the reins of the Wolfpack program. One potential snag is that Cowher and Amato have a good relationship, and Cowher would want to distance himself from any appearance that he was pushing Amato out the door. All this assumes that Cowher would want to jump right back into the coaching ranks; some will tell you that he will likely want a year away to recharge his batteries, while others will say that the idea of him taking over at State is farfetched at best.

If we accept that the powers-that-be at NC State oust Amato or that he resigns for the good of his alma mater following Saturday’s game vs. East Carolina, and if we also accept that Cowher is a longshot candidate as an immediate successor, what are some of the other names that would be bandied about?

Perhaps at the top of that list is one-time Pack quarterbacks coach and offensive coordinator Norm Chow. Arguably the most respected offensive mind in the college ranks, Chow fashioned high-powered attacks at BYU, NC State and USC before moving on most recently to serve as offensive coordinator of the Tennessee Titans. The quarterback guru has tutored gunslingers like Jim McMahon, Steve Young, Ty Detmer, Philip Rivers, Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart. The idea of him working with promising young State signal-callers like Justin Burke, Harrison Beck, Russell Wilson and Daniel Evans has many NC State fans understandably excited, and this is no message board frenzy. The Denver Post and other outlets have discussed the possibility of him emerging as a top candidate for the Wolfpack, while Sports Illustrated guesses he may follow Titans coach Jeff Fisher wherever he goes if Fisher leaves and the Deseret Morning News tosses him out as a name to remember for the job at Utah.

Some feel that Chow’s easygoing demeanor fits him best as a career assistant, while others question whether he would want to try his hand at head coaching for the first time at 60 years of age. He also has West Coast ties and missed his family quite a bit during his one year in Raleigh, another factor that would certainly enter into the equation. However, it would be a coup for the Pack if Chow took the job and set the table for Cowher down the road.

Some other names to remember for Wolfpack fans eager for a change at the top include Paul Johnson, the head man at Navy and a North Carolina native who holds degrees from Western Carolina and Appalachian State; Shane Montgomery, a former Pack quarterback who has endured some struggles after taking over as head coach at Miami (Ohio); John “Doc” Holliday, former associate head coach and wide receivers coach under Amato and current associate head coach and safeties coach at Florida; and Mike Canales, the passing game coordinator and quarterbacks coach at Arizona and one-time quarterbacks coach at NC State. Former State quarterback and ex-Georgia coach Jim Donnan’s name will also likely be brought up, although it is doubtful that he would emerge as a viable consideration.

With the facilities that State has put in place—and Amato rightfully deserves the bulk of the credit for this as a top-notch fundraiser—and the increased exposure of the expanded ACC in football would make the Wolfpack job an attractive one in coaching circles. Amato may yet make it through the offseason, but that would make 2007 almost an unfair environment in which to allow his coaching staff and student-athletes to grow. Each and every game would spark status reports and updates on his job security and coaching skills. Say this for Amato: he is a loyal guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and bleeds Wolfpack red. His love for NC State would allow the thought of stepping aside to enter the argument for him, but his never-say-die, fighting spirit would never let him admit that he couldn’t get it done. For that reason, it will be up to athletics director Lee Fowler and the behind-the-scenes money men to pull the plug, and Amato’s chances of keeping his job are much closer to a coin flip than anyone would have thought even three weeks ago.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Limerick Friday VII: Go To Hell Carolina


NC State travels to Chapel Hill to take on the Tar Heels tomorrow at high noon at Kenan Stadium. Since the teams have a combined three wins over Division I teams--zero by UNC--all we are left with is bad football and the potential for slightly amusing limericks.

Have at it ...

At a bachelorette party, Casie got insane
At the airport, she almost got detained
Didn’t know you could party in Ohio
Gotta watch for snipers in your Volvo
Will Steve allow weenie straws on his plane?

Along comes Butch to save Chapel Hell
Bunting’s wife was a butch too, near as I can tell
Will John put Chuck’s job on the hot seat
Or will the Pack send him off with another defeat
Either way, I’m taking a dump in the Old Well

I died laughing at Brent’s parenting tips
Though they are mostly made up of funny quips
Breast feeding is as natural as snowfall
But it’s more than that to Will and Paul
It means they finally get to see a girl’s nips

A rivalry game that always gives me a fright
If State loses it will be a long flight
Nightmares of T.A. McLendon all day
And the touchdown that was taken away
T.A. bagged my groceries at Piggly Wiggly last night

Last Limerick Friday before Thanksgiving Day
A nice reprieve from limericks that begin “Will is gay”
Turkey and potatoes and gravy for me
Then watch my sorry Dolphins on the TV
I wish you all the best straight away!

Happy T-Bird Day, everyone ...

Limerick Friday I
Limerick Friday II
Limerick Friday III
Limerick Friday IV
Limerick Friday V
Limerick Friday VI

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Post Your Good NC State News Here ...


It has been a rough go of it lately for Wolfpack sports:

* We have lost five straight ACC games by a total of 29 points.
* We just gave up 88 points to Wofford in hoops.
* The girls in blue just hired one of the top college coaching candidates in the country.
* Our Florida players historically have a hard time getting up for a game against the Heels.
* We're going to be underdogs to a Conference USA four-year junior college in our own stadium to end the season.
* The EZU game is at 7 p.m., meaning that a flood of illiterate inbreds will be drinking grain alcohol all day before the game and be ready to fight anyone who went to NC State for "fancy book-learnin'."
* Even if we lose out to end the season on a seven-game skid, there is no guarantee that Chuck Amato will be fired due to financial reasons.
* Bill Cowher is still the coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers.
* We have like six recruited scholarship players on our active basketball roster.

On the plus side, the addition of Tracy Smith to the hoops program could give State a top-10 recruiting class in Sidney Lowe's first full year on the job -- which would be nothing short of remarkable considering the circumstances in which he took over in Raleigh.

If you can think of anything else that us State fans can cling to right now, please add it here.

Signed,
Perpetually Sighing in Raleigh

Friday, November 10, 2006

Limerick Friday VI: Casie's Revenge


Ahhh ... Limerick Friday is finally here.

We've gone from four responses to two to 42 to 56 to 58.

Let the games begin ...

Confused Brent was feeling quite massage-y
A tight back and neck made him feel somewhat stodgy
Stripping to his boxers by choice was a little gay
But was only uncomfortable when it came time to pay
It was always free when his masseuse was Literace

Goodbye to disgraced Rumsfeld
A joke for the job that he held
“A war!” he said as he planted the seed
Wrote memos for a boss who couldn’t read
Will he answer to the soldiers that he felled?

Where’s Honaker since he got put in detention?
I wonder if they even gave him a pension?
I miss his hilarious weekly newsletter
But methinks he’s in a place even better
Wearing PJs, Googling “naked Scarlett Johansson”

An Evan-sponsored trip to Nags Head
Former Sauceboxes sunburned all red
Collecting seashells the whole day around
Pumpkin lattes and ice cream when the sun goes down
Just make sure Casie has her own room and bed

K-Fed will still be able to pay the rent
Kicked Britney to the curb when she finally was spent
He’ll be able to find more trailer trash
And if he runs out of enough spending cash
He can charge to get a massage from a worshipful Brent

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Mini-Season Makes for Long, "Lost" Winter Months


The “Lost” braintrust has heard all the criticisms: they don’t give enough to their loyal viewers, they bring up 10 questions with every one answer, they get lost in their own creativity, you never know when a rerun is going to pop up in the middle of the season, etc. To make it very clear that they are listening, they broke new ground with last night’s fall finale. In a revolutionary move, “Lost” broke off the first six episodes into a “mini-season,” allowing them to tease the full season—starting February 7—while also giving them the creative license to be able to market two cliffhangers in one season.

Last year, their audience became frustrated and infuriated when the show would rely on reruns or flashback shows for weeks at a time. To ensure their viewers that they gotten the message, they’re packaging the resumption of the rest of the season in no uncertain terms. The text of the February preview was as subtle as a kick in the ‘nads: “No repeats. Not. Even. One.”

The fall finale gave viewers plenty of questions to ponder in the months and weeks in between. Will the February-May run provide any more clarity than the mini-season did? Will there be a resolution to the Pickett-Sawyer feud? Will Kate’s love for Sawyer make her stay or will her feelings for Jack allow her to try to get off the island? Will she heed Sawyer’s warning that they are trapped on a separate island? Will Jack really let Ben die? Where do Juliet’s loyalties really lie? What the hell happened to Sun, Sayid and Jin? Are Michael and Walt gone for good? Why does Desmond hang around and make strange, constipated-looking faces all the time? What does the engraving that Locke espied on Mr. Eko’s “Jesus stick”—“Lift up your eyes and look north”—really mean? Will it lead the other survivors to the other island, a four-toed statue, a giant polar bear, a whisp of black smoke or a pair of Hurley’s Depends?

I guess we’ll have to wait until February. In the meantime, we’re offered up “Daybreak” as an alternative … a painful-looking combination of “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” and “Groundhog Day.” Giddyup.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Strickland Talks Wolfpack Hoops


Doing some freelance work for Pack Pride, I had an opportunity to speak with one of the members of basketball coach Sidney’s Lowe’s new staff at NC State. Pete Strickland was most recently the head coach at Coastal Carolina (1999-2005), leaving as the second-winningest coach in that program’s history. He helped coach Lowe and fellow Wolfpack great Dereck Whittenburg as an assistant under legendary coach Morgan Wootten at DeMatha Catholic High School in Maryland. Here’s an excerpt of the interview with Strickland.

What has it been like so far to be part of a new staff trying to start a new era at an ACC school?
“I’m the only guy [on the staff] who’s not ‘back’ at NC State, really. But I feel like it is going well. We’ve got a young, enthusiastic squad that’s thirsty for direction. I’ve been pleased in the two outings we’ve had; they’ve played well and played within themselves. I was worried with the Red-White Game, that they might want to show what they had individually, so I was pleased with that [unselfishness]. Courtney Fells is a great example; he was 8-10 from the field in that game. And then Friday, against Northern, we showed good togetherness and good receptiveness. Those are the early signs you look for, that chemistry that will allow you to hit on all cylinders as a team.”

Was there any reaction within the program when NC State was picked to finish last in the ACC?
“We really haven’t yet kind of loaded it as ammo for motivation—but the time will come. I don’t think we needed sobering up, so it didn’t serve that purpose. We’re just hard at work right now, and I’m not avoiding the question, but that’s really where we are. We haven’t put it in the gun to use it yet. But the players didn’t seem daunted; they’re hard at work. We’re just busy trying to be the best we can be, because we’re so young that we want to spend all of our energies on helping them grow up as players.”

What do you remember of Lowe as a player when you were at DeMatha?
“He was remarkably poised and was older than his years as a player. He was never, never rattled. Coming back from Pitt, I was coaching him and ‘Whitt’ [Dereck Whittenburg] in the summer leagues. Coaches on the highest level would say, ‘I’m not sure, we like them a little taller, a little more streamlined, a slight bit more quicker …’ But [DeMatha coach] Morgan [Wootten] maintained that no one had come through that was any better [than Sidney]—and that’s a pretty good pedigree. And lo and behold, he won a national championship in 1983.

“And with all due respect to Jimmy V., Sidney was the one out there making sure Houston scored 52 points. Jimmy threw up the ‘Stop’ sign a few times, but … Even if I would have predicted Houston would have lost—and no one in their right mind would have—I never would have predicted the score to be 54-52. And that’s really my memory of him as a player, how he could control the pace of a game.

“And what I’ve found out in working with him is that, technically, there’s nobody better. In terms of understanding and the grasp of offensive and defensive movements and the adjustments players have to make within those, it’s unbelievable. He’s used those 21years in the pros very well, because he has a lot of insight and he’s experienced. So we’ll be fine. He has an acute awareness—and he doesn’t refer to paper much. It’s all in his head, because he lived that for 21 years. He’s on a different level; I thought I knew some things, but he’s just on a different level.”

Some of the current players have commented that it was difficult to endure the job search, in the sense that they started to feel that no one wanted to coach them. Has that made it more difficult for this staff to build and repair relationships?
“We’re still doing that. It’s hard to meet somebody the first day and say, ‘I’m your best friend.’ It takes time to develop trust, because these guys did feel jilted at the altar to a degree. With different guys, it takes longer, so individually, we’re still working to try to do that. Your actions speak louder than words, so they need to see you work and care.

“The fall didn’t help. Like we talked about, in playing catch-up in the recruiting wars, by necessity, we’re not here as much, so it’s been a process. I like where we are, and we’re getting there. There is a commitment to this place, and Sidney and [assistant] Monte [Towe], plus [staff members] Justin [Gainey] and Levi [Watkins] and those guys, they wear that commitment on their sleeve. It’s evident, and players see that. And obviously, [assistant] Larry’s [Harris] loyalty to them is unquestioned.

“But time will heal that [feeling of being slighted]. We are here to make them succeed.”

Lowe has spoken at length about the importance of making sure that the current players and recruiting targets are aware of State’s storied tradition. He’s also spoken very candidly about how the Pack doesn’t need to take a backseat to anybody, much less Duke and UNC. How important do you feel that is?
“It allows them to see the passion that Sid and Monte bring to the table. Larry’s developed that, too. It’s also, practically, a very good kind of strategy. I remember Morgan telling Sidney and [staff member] Quentin [Jackson] and I, and others over the years, to always prepare to beat the best teams in the league. We were always the best team, so he was talking about the second-best, I guess. But if you take care of that, everything else will take care of itself.

“Those guys [Duke and UNC] are successful, and we tip our hat … but now we go about trying to change that. So it’s an obvious emotional piece that Sidney and Monte can’t deny if they tried, so why try? And practically, it’s a good piece, a good barometer and strategy for us being successful.”