Limerick Friday XXV: Bunnies, Wolverines and Monsters, Oh My!

Casie’s giving Britney a run for her money
Though the pictures are a little more funny
It’s like she’s in Real World Beantown
Or maybe it should be called Survivor: Boston’s Going Down
All the stories include liquor, butt cracks, lesbians and the occasional dead bunny

The Attorney General is the latest to lie
Covering up for a corrupt administration by and by
Speedy Gonzalez is as crooked as the rest
He must’ve aced the lie detector test
W said, “You know, my little Mexican buddy, you have to be the fall guy”

Apparently Anna Nicole died of a drug overdose
Also, this just in, asparagus with milk is gross
Our media has a firm grasp on obvious stuff
When they aren’t taking pictures of Paris Hilton’s muff
And passing it off as news with which we should be engrossed

Misconduct and errors have befallen Dell
Somewhere, No Neck Monster is saying, “What the hell?!
I founded the company and was a 9/11 hero
Only now to see the stock go to zero?
It’s time to take the CEO to a Bulls game and convince him to sell"

A trespassing chick masturbator, what the hay?!
Surprised the frat reaction wasn’t, “Dude, this is A-OK!”
You can call this chick “The Ecstasy Wolverine”
Breaking into Michigan with an act that’s obscene
Will has put up the first bid for the couches on eBay

Limer-inks

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Limerick Friday X

Limerick Friday XI

Limerick Friday XII

Limerick Friday XIII

Limerick Friday XIV

Limerick Friday XV

Limerick Friday XVI

Limerick Friday XVII

Limerick Friday XVIII

Limerick Friday XIX

Limerick Friday XX

Limerick Friday XXI

Limerick Friday XXII

Limerick Friday XXIII

Limerick Friday XXIV

The Resurgence Of “Lost”?

Facing a dwindling viewer base, the braintrust behind “Lost” has responded with a run of five straight episodes that have hit the mark in terms of relevance, tone, backdrop and character building. With an estimated 2 million viewers voting themselves off the island this year after simply tiring of the roundabout storytelling fashion, the introduction of five more questions for every answer, and the incessant, occasionally exasperating flashback device, the powers-that-be behind the show realized that, at worst, a tweak of the process was needed.

Perhaps as a result, starting with “Tricia Tanaka Is Dead,” the season’s 10th episode, the show seems to have made a conscious effort to market more closely to the existing audience by providing a somewhat lighter tone in its teases and by offering more compelling storyline previews. “Expose” was the fifth in this series of elevated story-spinning, dealing with the tale of the mysterious duo of Nikki and Paulo.

Introduced only in season three, these two began to receive lines seemingly out of nowhere, leading faithful watchers to wonder, “Where the hell have these two been the entire time? Is there a Tropicana shoot going on on the other side of the island or something?” It could have been an awkward introduction, but the writers covered it up cleverly by intimating that Paulo had a grudge against Jack and the others for not including him in some of their adventures.

Instead, the writing staff developed a very neat and unique device by replaying key scenes from Nikki (hotter than a box of stolen tamales, by the way) and Paulo’s perspective, showing the duo’s relation to the island and other survivors during the crash, subsequent meetings and other decision-making scenarios. It helped you see that the two were always just barely in the background, involved in some aspects of the island but also dealing with their own internal and moral issues.

At the end, the episode displayed a large writing departure from the rest of the show, using an Edgar Allen Poe-worthy twist involving Nikki and Paulo being buried alive. At one point, Walt’s dog, Vincent (does anyone else remember him being on the boat with Walt and Michael when they left the island?!), drags the cover off of Nikki and Paulo, who were being prepared for burial. Was this him knowing they were alive and trying to find a way to alert the survivors? Are the two actually dead, and how long will the writers take before they revisit this plot line? How will the presence of $8 million in diamonds in a shallow grave affect the other island dwellers? Will Artz’s collection of new, undiscovered species of animals and insects make any other contributions to the island? Will the Sun-Sawyer feud escalate, and where does Charlie fit into that?

Here was an episode that was devoted to and isolated some very minor characters and had no bearing on the “Others,” Jack’s dilemma, Locke and his father, Kate and Sayid, Claire and Aaron, Sun and Jin’s child, etc. However, unlike at past points during the season, you didn’t feel like you were cheated out of the overriding story arc or that it was a wasted episode that gave you nothing. While the Los Angeles Times made a compelling argument that Locke is the straw that stirs the “Lost” drink, I think the dominant character in this show remains the island itself. Whether it is or has healing powers, the ability to hide secrets, a monopoly on the future, a malevolent force in terms of actual monsters, an inherent guilt complex that manifests itself into dwellers’ realities, or a living, breathing, Gaia-like force, the island itself remains the integral, misunderstood thread that weaves itself through every other element of plot, denouement, resolution and conclusion.

And that’s what keeps Faithful Viewer coming back every week …


Lost Links

February 8, 2007: “Lost” V 3.5: Let The Games Begin

November 9, 2006: Mini-Season Makes For Long, “Lost” Winter Months

November 2, 2006: Vaya Con Dios, Mr. Eko

October 4, 2006: “Lost” In A Sea Of Questions

Pacman Jones Framed By Q-Bert?

First, Pacman Jones made it rain. Now, facing jail time, he might have to fight to protect where the sun don’t shine. Life is not a game …

This Happened, Too

Last week after softball practice, I thought I would get something for a late dinner at Harris Teeter before I headed home. My only goal was to get something and be home in time to catch “Lost,” and considering it was 9:40 p.m., I figured the place would be near-empty and this would be a doable task. Little did I know what I was stepping into.

Moving with an unnerving determination, I quickly selected my dinner and made for the self-checkout lane. At this hour, one of the two self-checkout facilities was closed, which was a little off-putting, but I shrugged it off. Of course, one of the machines in the only remaining self-checkout lane was broken (I believe this is a Harris Teeter mandate), but after a sigh and a slight shake of the head, I was still confident.

At the first of the three remaining machines, I notice a disheveled-looking lady ringing in a variety of fruit, apparently prepping for a redneck luau. Of course, she has to call the 16-year-old tool at the booth over to help her ring in each one individually. At the end of this interminable menagerie, she decides that she should write a check now. I mean, isn’t that the point of this fucking lane?! And who uses checks anymore – especially at a grocery store?! Does this lane double as a transporter that has taken me back to 1982 all of a sudden!? And is she even wearing shoes?!

Heart-rate increasing, I turn my attention to the second machine. Here, a puzzled-looking guy in his mid-50s, wearing suspenders and dress shirt, appears to be trying to make sense of using his credit card. He stares at the pen where you sign your name electronically for about 10 seconds before he comes to the realization that it isn’t for sticking up your tailpipe. Obviously a self-checkout novice, which leads me to wonder why, every time you go to this lane, someone seems to be using it for the very first time? Where do these people come from? Where do they find their food before they break down and endorse the grocery store system? These people seem cautious and wary, like they are about to use a time machine instead of a goddam checkout device. I mean, this ass clown looks like he’s trying to apply for a low-cost mortgage instead of just paying for his Gatorade and toilet paper and going home.

At this point, I begin to look around for hidden cameras, convinced that I am being Punk’d or an unwilling participant in a grocery-store variant of the Boiling Point reality show. With half-hearted optimism, I look to the third machine … of course, an oldish lady is puzzling through her change purse and force-feeding nickels and pennies into the machine. She keeps checking the monitor like she’s playing the slots at fucking Bally’s. I suppress the urge to scream, “Hey, Gertrude, you’re not going to get three Jokers this time, so live a little, whip out the $20 bill and pay for your Meuslix and D batteries all at once like a big girl!”

Behind me, no fewer than a dozen people are now waiting impatiently in this “convenient” lane, affixing death stares to Butner Buelah, Confused Suspenders Crisis and Trudy “Buffalo Nickel” Trotsky. Since the Teeter only has like two lanes open in addition to this one, mass chaos is looming. Livid at this point, I am contemplating firing my food across the store and marching out, but just then, Butner Buelah autographs her check with an “X,” gets confirmation and shuffles out to her Pacer/living room. I feel like I’ve won the lottery, amazing since you would think that a purveyor would make it as easy as possible for you to exchange currency for desired goods.

I race home in time for the start of “Lost,” silently promising myself once again that I would swear off the Teeter and start living off squirrels I catch in the backyard. Then I remember that I am a Very Important Customer … and I am able to put aside that this happened, and I am reborn once more.

Barton Wins D2 Title With Crazy Comeback

Down seven points with 45.6 seconds left to the defending national champion and a team that has won 57 games in a row isn't a good place to be. Unless you're Anthony Atkinson and the Barton Bulldogs.

Atkinson scored 10 points in final 39 seconds of the Division II national championship game against Winona State, including a layup that beat the final buzzer by a sliver to lift Barton to a 77-75 victory and the crown.

As an honorary Sig Ep at Barton who has been to many a blurry Founder's Day in Wilson, N.C., I salute the Bulldogs and my alum friends P-Man, Fikel, Kid and Sypher. Congrats fellas!

Limerick Friday XXIV: Right It Down – Will Found The Write Home

A new crib for our resilient friend Will Stanley
A dapper home in his adopted town of Raleigh
It’ll be good for him to live in a house with no tires
The Jaycees will be celebrating with many bonfires
Make sure Stalking Anonymous isn’t watching while you pee

Hats off to Sid and his gutty Pack team
They’ve got Wolfpack fans daring to dream
Of lotsa banners hanging on high
Of championships for which we will vie
Of a future so bright you can’t help but beam

I once knew a guy who passed out coming home from the bars
When awoken by the cops in his car, he called them retards
Took a nap in the middle of Six Forks Road
Listening to Springsteen’s “Ghost of Tom Joad”
Who knew he’s now qualified to manage the Cards?

A disastrous situation now and forever overseas
Saying “Mission Accomplished” was a moronic tease
Almost 40 percent on the approval rating?
Now spends his time Democrat-baiting
Do the world a favor and just follow Rumsfeld out the door, please

Gone is the Turkish Tornado, our very own Istan Bull
Engin Atsur righted a slumping team with a mighty pull
As clutch as could be with no swagger
Broke many a team’s heart with a three-point dagger
With European hoops money his wallet will be full

A tough week for cancer in the news
Giving everyone everywhere a reason for the blues
Elizabeth Edwards and Butch Davis now join the fight
We don’t know how Kay Yow finds the strength every night
We all hope that this battle is one that none of them lose

Limer-inks

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Limerick Friday X

Limerick Friday XI

Limerick Friday XII

Limerick Friday XIII

Limerick Friday XIV

Limerick Friday XV

Limerick Friday XVI

Limerick Friday XVII

Limerick Friday XVIII

Limerick Friday XIX

Limerick Friday XX

Limerick Friday XXI

Limerick Friday XXII

Limerick Friday XXIII

Raleigh Rockers Unveil Demo, Web Site

Combining elements of jam, punk, folk, grunge and bluegrass, Raleigh band Mason Dixons officially rolled out their four-song demo on March 21, announcing the release in conjunction with their new Web site, where you can go to give the demo a listen. The quartet has been working hard on the demo and their first full album ever since playing last St. Patrick’s Day at the Pour House in downtown Raleigh, and they’re currently putting the finishing touches on a new slate of live dates. Keep checking back here to find out when and where you can see them next!

Congrats and best of luck to Rick & Roll, Pistol Pete, Mike and A.B. as the band takes this impressive next step. As unofficial director of marketing and promotions, I’ll be keeping you all updated on the Mason Dixons whether you’re interested or not.

I’d also like to take this time to let everyone know that they are currently taking applications on their site to join their contingent of groupies, affectionately known as the “Dixons Vixens” …

Cuz Update From The Bayou

Flame-throwing cuz John Cody led the University of New Orleans to a 14-2 win over crosstown foe Tulane last night, ending a seven-game losing streak to the rival Green Wave. With local reports dubbing his performance a “brilliant start” and the “story of the night,” he tossed five shutout innings, giving up just two hits and four walks while starting out seven.

“I could tell from the first pitch that he was ready to go,” UNO coach Tom Walter told the school’s athletic Web site. “He established himself early and was just exceptional today.

"I thought the key to the game was John Cody," the coach added to The Times-Picayune. "He pitched with a lot of confidence, and that gave our team confidence."

After redshirting last year following shoulder surgery, John has a 2-1 record this year, with a 1.59 ERA and 15 strikeouts in 11.1 innings. He’s only given up eight hits and five walks on the season and has helped the Privateers to a 14-9 record.

Keep it up, John!

Triangle Hug-A-Coach Day

All of us give coaches a hard time, which is mostly justified considering the amount of money these people make to teach a game. We usually give coaches too much of the blame for losses and credit the players too much for victories. These coaches are all aware of the things that come along with the professions they’ve chosen, so they understand and better be able to handle the criticism – right or wrong – that comes along with the job. We have plenty of examples right here in the Triangle of coaches who do or did have trouble with this aspect of the position.

The flip side of these lucrative, highly coveted and prestigious positions involves the inherent stress and lack of job security. Just look at what has been going on this year with UNC and NC State, outside of the rivalry. The Tar Heels fire football coach John Bunting halfway through the season, and the Pack follows suit by canning their own football head man, Chuck Amato, following the campaign. Wolfpack women’s basketball coach Kay Yow suffers a recurrence of breast cancer and has somehow found the strength to come back and lead State to 12 of 14 wins and a berth in the Sweet Sixteen. NC State men’s hoops coach Sidney Lowe suffered dehydration and fell out during a game in Chapel Hill and dealt with after-effects during the next game in Tallahassee, leading him to re-evaluate how he copes with the day-to-day responsibilities of his job and his health habits.

Now, we’ve learned that new UNC football coach Butch Davis has had to undergo chemotherapy for adult non-Hodgkins lymphoma after a cancerous growth was discovered during a routine dental exam. It certainly makes you put the rivalry side and appreciate what these men and women give of themselves and their families every single day. They are well-compensated and treated like royalty much of the time, but I think most of us would agree that they aren’t exactly getting a free pass and they are working hard for that money.

Best of luck to Coach Davis for the strength he needs as he deals with this latest development. He has a great resource down the road in Coach Yow, and I wish both of them a speedy and full recovery.

As always, consider a donation to The V Foundation for Cancer Research if you don’t already, and take some time to appreciate and support all of our coaches today.

Weekend At Anna's

Easy laughs for a Tuesday ...

This Happened

I was driving to work on Friday, March 16, listening to 620 the Bull and wincing, when I pulled up to a stoplight. Ahead of me, I noticed an enormous Jeep SUV. This was not noteworthy, since our roads are clogged with gas-guzzling, monoxide-spewing vehicles that are capable of excavating a quarry … or just going to Home Depot to pick out some wallpaper, then maybe hit Bed Bath and Beyond if you have time. What made the observation stand out was that I noticed that the license plate holder read “Civil War Reenactor.” A bemused grin appeared on my face. Directly to the right of the license plate was a “W ‘04” sticker. Head-shaking commenced. Above the sticker was a huge NASCAR No. 6 sticker with an illegible autograph on it (I don’t pretend to know or care who that is). A weary sadness came over me.

Three elements on one car that all contribute to things like Raleigh being considered Mayberry and the Hurricanes as “redneck hockey” on a national stage. It was a motorized cliché and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. But it certainly made my commute a memorable one.

Back in the “Red Barn” …

The Pack’s return to Reynolds Coliseum for an NIT matchup with Marist was met with glee by rabid Wolfpackers … to the point where it sold out in like two hours, and myself and some friends were faced with the prospect of watching it on ESPN-Unavailable in some sports bar with a waitress who shows up every half an hour or so. So you can imagine my delight when Pack Pride contacted me to gauge my interest in covering the game for them as their intrepid reporter. So I went from spending $25 on a ticket to getting a courtside ducat and food — and getting paid for it! Giddyup.

Anyway, some random observations …

*** Sidney Lowe is a by-god rock star. Since seating was first-come, first-serve, Reynolds was packed to the rafters a good hour-plus before the game. Fashionably late, Lowe sauntered in—wearing his trademark red jacket—a couple of minutes before tipoff, and it sounded as if the roof of the building was going to come off. He’s got an impeccable sense of timing, style, history and what it takes to be the face of a program. Afterward, he had some emotional words about being back in Reynolds and referred to the place as the “Red Barn.” That’s going to stick.

*** The pep band, the smell of popcorn, the deafening cheers, the wave, Mr. and Mrs. Wuf … brought back a lot of memories from my student days. Of course, missing was Les Robinson on the sideline clapping at Donnie Seale as we lost to Florida Atlantic, but hey … they were still great times.

*** On a game-related note, I like Gavin Grant and think he is a versatile player who impacts the game in a lot of ways. Sure, he occasionally gets in trouble when he thinks too much, but beyond that, he has leadership qualities, an ability to get to wherever he wants to go off the dribble, is a strong rebounder for his size and is a terrific passer when he wants to be. That being said, he should never, ever in-bounds the ball again for the rest of his career at NC State. As a decision-maker, he makes Britney Spears look like Claire Huxtable. I have never seen a player with less awareness of the entire court and the five-second count while in-bounding, yet he continues to get lead responsibilities there. Ugh.

*** In my capacity writing for The Wolfpacker and, before that, the Technician, I have covered a lot of basketball games. I’ve sat courtside for more than four full NC State seasons, plus four ACC Tournaments. I can say that this Marist contest was quite possibly the worst-officiated game that I have ever attended.

One of the refs was straight out of Central Casting, but he had this perpetual smile on his face even as he blew call after call. Another guy looked like Neidermeyer from “Animal House” (Mark Metcalf, also “The Maestro” from Seinfeld and the father from Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It” video). The third guy looked like Webster’s older brother. Together, they called 43 fouls and ensured that the game had no flow, consistency or pace. It was like they had marginal comprehension of the rules and violations that govern the game, and beyond that, it was as if they had never worked together before. Maybe that was the case, I’m not sure; all I know was that there were more head-scratchers in this one than I could ever recall. If the ACC compiled an All-Dildo officiating team comprised of “Cheatin’” Larry Rose, Dick “Smear” Paparo and Teddy Valentine (with Mike Kitts on the scorer’s table in case one of the above-mentioned trio injured himself solely as a result of pure-tee sucking), it would give this crew a run as the worst officiating threesome on the planet. It was shocking to the point where anger turned into near-bemusement; security had to walk the officials off the court at the end of the game to preserve their safety. In an NIT game. In a game in which NC State won. That should give you an idea of just how horrific they were. I even heard a rumor that these guys have officiated middle-school games in the area. Seriously.

So wherever you are, Don Daily, Lamont Simpson and Kevin Mathis, rest assured you helped put a damper on a return to Reynolds Coliseum and take away from a great evening of Wolfpack basketball. You give the three blind mice a bad name.

*** Coming out of a timeout midway through the first half, I was speaking to the reporter on my left, and when I turned back around, I noticed new football coach Tom O'Brien sitting in the seat right next to me. He seems a little uncomfortable being out in public and dealing with the attention, but he was tapping along with the fight song at every opportunity and was definitely into the game. It was very cool to see him enter the arena and quietly take a seat on press row, almost like he didn't want to take any of the attention off the hoops team. He seems to be enjoying Tobacco Road and forging a strong relationship with all the sports, which is always good to see.

*** Dennis Horner is going to be a really good player for the Pack. He’s obviously lacking muscle right now, but he is still growing into his frame and he continues to get taller. He could potentially be a 6-10 kid who can handle, pass and knock it down from the perimeter. I challenge anyone to find a sweeter-looking shooting stroke than Horner has right now, and he has shown a willingness to mix it up on the interior and talk the occasional smack with the other team. It’s looking more and more like the Wolfpack landed the right guy of the three incoming freshmen after Larry Davis (Seton Hall) and Dan Werner (Florida) jumped ship.

*** It took people 45 minutes or more to get out of the Reynolds Coliseum parking garage following the game. I love having an on-campus basketball building and miss that aspect of State hoops a lot, but say what you want about the RBC Center, they get people in and out of that joint with a quickness.

*** Big ups to the Reynolds Rowdies. Marist seemed amazed at the volume and intensity of the crowd, and afterward Grant suggested that State should play UNC and Dook in Reynolds every year. He realized that it would cost the program a lot of money to do so, but you just can’t come near the Reynolds atmosphere in the RBC Center. I’d be in favor of making the annual Heritage Game a more significant matchup than Stetson or Prairie View A&M, and I think it would be terrific to make it a conference game if the right wheels could be greased.

*** Cool move by the players to hang around at midcourt after the game and applaud the Pack fans. It's the last home game of the year for State and the players wanted the Wolfpack faithful to know how much they appreciated the support, on Friday night and all year long.

*** Posting 20 wins is a huge accomplishment for this particular Pack team. Before the year, I optimistically picked us to finish around 15-15 and be at least in the mix for an NIT bid—and that was before Engin Atsur got hurt. To go 15-14 in the regular season and then win five of six games in postseason play (and still going!) is a credit to Lowe and his staff, as well as the Wolfpack players who have logged so many minutes this year. Kudos!

Limerick Friday XXIII: Adopt-A-Scooter Drive Underway

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You’re Going To Do Less Shite Than Ever This Month

Even if your cube isn’t equipped with a Beer Launching Fridge, it’s going to be difficult to hide the fact that the “Big Dance” has overtaken your brain. But it’s OK … your bosses know that you’re more concerned with NCAA reports than TPS reports, that you’re more focused on hoops brackets than Excel spreadsheets and that you’re more involved in halftime speeches than motivational speakers.

A recent survey revealed that there will be an estimated $1.2 billion in lost productivity during the NCAA Tournament. Employees are predicted to spend an average of 13.5 minutes on various hoops sites, which translates to $3.78 in average hourly wages. Live streaming video of tourney games could add to the lack of productivity and a simultaneous increase in mysterious sicknesses – think the West Bracket Virus instead of the West Nile Virus.

With 22 million workers nationwide expected to check results on college basketball Web sites during the tourney, there are two approaches that businesses can take to account for the three-week-long presence of the “Road to the Final Four.” One, companies can try to turn it into a way of boosting morale and fostering conversations and interpersonal relationships, hosting small viewing parties during lunch hours or offering refreshments related to the tournament. Or, companies can attack the trend … which, apparently, 6 percent of businesses surveyed apparently intend to do. How? By installing tracking software that will monitor where employees are pointing their browsers and offering periodic reminders that they should be working and not concerned with the basketball going on. Come to think of it, you can probably tell a lot about the company you are working for and your long-term prospects with that organization by which approach they take to deal with March Madness.

Either way, I trust you’ll find a way to follow your brackets, get a modicum of work done and enjoy the country’s premier sporting event all at the same time. Or, if you think random thuggery and Rucker Park hoops is the pinnacle of the sport, you can watch an NBA game and hope to witness six different misdemeanors, a possible felony, no charges drawn and zero bounce passes. The choice is yours … but HR is waiting for your answer.

A capsule look at “Big Dance” predictions form Scooter the Irish:

Pool One (“Blind Midget Patrol”):
Elite Eight: No. 1 Florida vs. No. 3 Oregon (Midwest); No. 1 Kansas vs. No. 2 UCLA (West); No. 4 Texas vs. No. 2 Georgetown (East); No. 1 Ohio State vs. No. 3 Texas A&M (South)
Final Four: No. 1 Florida (Midwest); No. 1 Kansas (West); No. 2 Georgetown (East); No. 3 Texas A&M (South)
Title Game: No. 1 Florida vs. No. 3 Texas A&M
Champion: No. 1 Florida (86-79)

Notable Upsets (by region):
Midwest: No. 11 Winthrop over No. 6 Notre Dame, No. 10 Georgia Tech over No. 7 UNLV
West: No. 12 Illinois over No. 5 Virginia Tech, No. 10 Gonzaga over No. 7 Indiana
East: No. 8 Marquette over No. 1 UNC, No. 11 George Washington over No. 6 Vanderbilt, No. 10 Texas Tech over No. 7 Boston College
South: No. 12 Long Beach State over No. 5 Tennessee, No. 12 Long Beach State over No. 4 Virginia


Pool Two (“Tyler’s Deviated Septums”):
Elite Eight: No. 1 Florida vs. No. 3 Oregon (Midwest); No. 1 Kansas vs. No. 2 UCLA (West); No. 4 Texas vs. No. 2 Georgetown (East); No. 1 Ohio State vs. No. 3 Texas A&M (South)
Final Four: No. 1 Florida (Midwest); No. 1 Kansas (West); No. 4 Texas (East); No. 3 Texas A&M (South)
Title Game: No. 1 Kansas vs. No. 3 Texas A&M
Champion: No. 1 Kansas (78-71)

Notable Upsets:
Midwest: No. 10 Georgia Tech over No. 7 UNLV, No. 10 Georgia Tech over No. 2 Wisconsin
West: No. 13 Holy Cross over No. 4 Southern Illinois, No. 11 VCU over No. 6 Duke
East: No. 12 Arkansas over No. 5 USC, No. 14 Oral Roberts over No. 3 Washington State
South: No. 10 Creighton over No. 7 Nevada

Don’t Leave The Couch Without It

Have you been looking for the quintessential must-have March Madness purchase?

A co-worker recently stumbled across the phenomenal Beer Launching Refrigerator. Inventor John Cornwell has managed to singlehandedly challenge the belief that all Duke students and graduates are frightened-of-the-real-word, unbathed, English-struggling dorks-hiding-as-elitists while also destroying the perception that a Dookie has never actually contributed anything worthwhile to the average American. Of course, whether the Beer Launching Refrigerator can be linked as the catalyst to the Duke Lacrosse Scandal remains to be seen, but hey … this is a day for celebrating. (P.S. If you’re a tool and you are interested in the actual science, bells and whistles that go into making this thing work, click here. Then kick yourself in the cornflakes.)


The Hole - video powered by Metacafe

The Beer Launching Refrigerator is deadly accurate up to 15 feet and holds 10 beers, meaning that if you can train your dog to reload the mini-fridge, grab a box of Depends, order delivery from your cell phone and adequately juggle four remote controls, you could conceivably never have to move from your spot on the shoulder of the Road to the Final Four. Couch sores and the twitching that comes along with Clark Kellogg’s incessant hand-speaking are obstacles, to be sure, but you’re a trooper. And if you just can’t handle Dickie V. or “One Shining Moment” for even one moment longer, well … you can always adjust the launch codes of your Beer Launching Refrigerator to send a Schaeffer Light directly through your idiot box.

And obviously, it doesn’t take a giant leap of faith to envision a lull of boredom during the Long Beach State-Central Connecticut State game, which leads to a drunken bout of shite-talking, which leads to programming the suds launcher to whip Natty Lights at your “friends” at roughly 38 miles per hour. A warning label and an accompanying Tyler Hansbrough face mask could be helpful additions to this offering at some point. But we’ll let the rocket (beer-launch) scientists work out the details.

In the meantime, put this item on your March Madness wish list, and keep your heads up … and bottoms up!

Stand-Up Community Takes Another Hit

Comedian and actor Richard Jeni committed suicide over the weekend in West Hollywood, California. The 45-year-old was my favorite stand-up comedian, appeared in a variety of films, was a writer for Chris Rock and authored perhaps the greatest stand-up special title of all time on HBO: “A Big Steaming Pile of Me.”

I saw Jeni locally at Charlie Goodnight’s years ago and considered him a master of a dying art, as judged by a couple of his one-liners:

About Chicago:
“I think that’s how Chicago got started: a bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'”

On a bad fisherman:
“He couldn't catch a yeast infection if he f#%ked Betty Crocker without a condom!”

His loss is a big one for the comedy world, putting him among the ranks of gone-too-early fallen funny men such as John Belushi, Phil Hartman, Chris Farley, Sam Kinison and others. You’ll be missed, Richard Jeni.

Green Day Had It Right All Along ...

Why am I not surprised that half these "interviews" were conducted in a Wal-Mart parking lot? To be fair, the interviewees did mispell "surprisingly" (as "suprisingly") in the video, significantly bumping up the Irony Factor.

Limerick Friday XXII: March Madness Arrives

The Pack ruined the Weasel’s night
He’ll blame Gerald Henderson’s vicious right
NC State had too much for the Dookies
Now they’re off to steal someone else’s cookies
Whoever gets the Red and White is in for a fight

Will “W” pardon Libby and let corruption thrive?
Will he backslap the fall guy who took a dive?
Libby gives Scooters a bad name everywhere
Even the ones with impeccable hair
But the Prez is just trying to get his approval rating up to 35

Sports radio in the Triangle still blows
Why that is the case, nobody knows
Craziest ACC Tournament ever is underway
Still they talk about NASCAR and hockey today
620 the Bull sucks and that’s just how it goes

946 billionaires around the world as we speak
Together, they make $3.5 trillion at their peak
Government gives them as many tax cuts they can
Then pass off the biggest taxes to the little man
I hope they all finally get a rap in the beak

March Madness is truly in full swing
Lots of losses that will make your bracket sting
Upsets abound for teams that don’t grow a pair
Dick Vitale just wet his pants on the air
It’s like the higher seed doesn’t mean a damn thing

Limer-inks

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Limerick Friday X

Limerick Friday XI

Limerick Friday XII

Limerick Friday XIII

Limerick Friday XIV

Limerick Friday XV

Limerick Friday XVI

Limerick Friday XVII

Limerick Friday XVIII

Limerick Friday XIX

Limerick Friday XX

Limerick Friday XXI

ACC Tourney Predictions: “Mask,” “West Side Story” and “Iron Eagle IV” All Rolled Into One

Earlier, Scooter & Hum broke down the ACC Tournament field. Today, we get down to bidness, make some by-god picks and sort out the bracket. Without further ado … giddyup …

THURSDAY, MARCH 8

Noon: #8 Clemson vs. #9 Florida State
Al Thornton is due for one of those climb-on-my-back games (*fill in your own UNC pedicure joke here*), and he isn’t going to be denied. Oliver Purnell is going to wonder how a 17-0 season went down the drain so quickly – and why he ruined a once-promising acting career by “starring” in “Iron Eagle IV.”
Winner: #9 Florida State

2 p.m.: #5 Maryland vs. #12 Miami
Brutal matchup for the Hurricanes, but when you finish last in the ACC, you don’t get much pull in who you play. Mike Jones has finally decided that he can be a scoring machine for Maryland, and that is bad news for the rest of the league. The Terrapins coast while Ekene Ibekwe spends most of the second half staving off rickets.
Winner: #5 Maryland

7 p.m.: #7 Duke vs. #10 NC State
Spin-control meister Coach Krazooski has done a phenomenal job of painting his Dookies as the victims and underdogs this year. The Devils’ intense denial defense is a bad fit for a State team whose only backup guard is the kid from “Mask”, but Engin Atsur is going to dial up a shutdown of Greg Paulus. With Courtney Fells taking John Scheyer out of the game and no Gerald Henderson, Dook is going to struggle to score. Migben BaCauley finally busts out of his slump for the Wolfpack in the tourney’s first big upset.
Winner: #10 NC State

9 p.m.: #6 Georgia Tech vs. #11 Wake Forest
The season highlight for “Bangs” Prosser and the Deacs came when they took the ACC regular-season title out of Virginia’s grasp. They’ve got a couple of athletic, young players and a big man in the middle, but Kyle Visser can’t stay out of foul trouble against the Yellow Jackets’ Ra’Sean Dickey and Jeremis Smith. Tech is playing its best ball of the season and Wake Forest is … well, they’re a football school now.
Winner: #6 Georgia Tech



FRIDAY, MARCH 9

Noon: #1 UNC-Chapel Hill vs. #9 Florida State
The Tar Heels don’t have a good candidate to check Al Thornton, but they do have 23 players to rotate and wear out a one-man team. Tywon Lawson will have his way with the drive-and-dish game, leaving little drama in this one after halftime. The only excitement will come when Tyler Hansbrough takes the floor in his newly fitted mask and officially states his case as the goofiest-looking ACC player since Rafael Vidauretta.
Winner: #1 UNC-Chapel Hill

2 p.m.: #4 Boston College vs. #5 Maryland
The Eagles have shown a propensity for sleepwalking through games, losing their composure and getting their arses handed to them lately. They’ve got a lot of guys who like to look for their own shots and don’t play defense when they don’t get them, which plays right into Maryland’s hands. The Terrapins thrive on forcing their tempo on other teams, with their pressing defense and flex offense. ACC Player of the Year Jared Dudley keeps his team in the game for a half or so, but the Terps pull away. Boston College responds by trying to trade Al Skinner to NC State for Sidney Lowe and a swimming coach to be named later.
Winner: #5 Maryland

7 p.m.: #2 Virginia vs. #10 NC State
It’s hard to beat a team three times in a single season in the ACC. The Wahoos haven’t shot as well late in the year and they blew their chance at the top seed, making this a tougher matchup than expected. Sean Singletary and J.R. Reynolds can do a lot, but they can’t do it all, especially against a Pack team that can slow the tempo down and beat you in the halfcourt. Brandon Costner hits the go-ahead three in the waning seconds and Jason Cain finds out that his porn ‘stache is good for catching tears.
Winner: #10 NC State

9 p.m.: #3 Virginia Tech vs. #6 Georgia Tech
A strong closing stretch by the Jackets earns them a berth in the NCAAs, but it comes to a close against the Hokies here. Defensive Player of the Year Jamon Gordon and backcourt mate Zabian Dowdell both made the ACC All-Defensive team, and they’ll put the clamps down on Tech rookie sensation Javaris Crittenton. In a fast-paced game, Virginia will prove to be the better of the Techs by doing just enough to get by. The Yellow Jackets pass the time on the bus ride home by trying to spell each other’s names (Palestinian barnstorming team or ACC hoops squad? You make the call: Alade Aminu, D’Andre, Paco Diaw, Crittenton, Ra’Sean, Mouhammad and Thaddeus)
Winner: #3 Virginia Tech



SATURDAY, MARCH 10

1:30 p.m: #1 UNC-Chapel Hill vs. #5 Maryland
The Heels don’t do well against teams that match their strength on the interior, and Ibekwe, James Gist, Bambale Osby and Will Bowers can hold off Hansbrough, Brandan Wright and Deon Thompson in the paint. Maryland’s backcourt is also more physical than UNC’s and Gary is the tougher big-game Williams coach than Roy. This one will be a nail-biter, but the Terrapins will manage just enough in the final seconds to eke(ne) one out. A really steamed Tar Heels team will take out their frustrations by going home and challenging the Blue Devils to a West Side Story-style dance-off rumble in a Durham pedicure parlor.
Winner: #5 Maryland

3:30 p.m. #3 Virginia Tech vs. #10 NC State
As we’ve established, it’s hard to beat a team three times in one year in the ACC. After sweeping Virginia Tech in the regular season, a depleted Pack squad finally runs out of gas after its third game in three days, falling to the more physical and deeper Hokies. The Wolfpack takes some small solace in the fact that Sidney Lowe makes it through three straight games without having to leave the bench. Of course, this fuels speculation that Lowe was, in fact, poisoned by a drunk Phil Ford during the State-UNC game at the Dean Dome a few weeks earlier.
Winner: #3 Virginia Tech



SUNDAY, MARCH 11

1 p.m.: #5 Maryland vs. #3 Virginia Tech
Years of bitching and moaning by Gary Williams have helped make an ACC Tournament outside of North Carolina a possibility. Unfortunately, when it was in Washington, D.C., a couple of years ago, relatively close to Maryland’s campus, the Terps folded like a cheap deck of cards in the opening round against Clemson. This time, though, Williams leads the hottest team in the country right through the Hokies, leaving Seth Greenberg merely to say, “Oy ve.” Sadly, the celebratory mood is dampened when Darryl Strawberry, the father of Maryland guard D.J., mistakes Terps point guard Greivis Vasquez for Keith Hernandez and assaults him at midcourt of the St. Pete Times Forum.
Winner: #5 Maryland

Is Anonymous The Greatest Unemployed Worker In The Land?

A colleague recently let me know about the release of the latest “Best of Young American Novelists,” a list compiled by the magazine Granta. The publication enlisted six judges to selected novelists under the age of 35 years old who are seen as up-and-coming stars in the literary world. Twenty-one wordsmiths were picked, receiving the prestigious honor of being considered one of the best young American novelists.

The catch? Seven of these lucky tours-de-force are unpublished.

Un.
Published.

As in “I haven’t put a novel out there. Just take my word for it, please. Please.”

As in “I can’t hand you my novel, but trust me, it is freaking great and I am a misunderstood genius.”

As in “Just wait ‘til I’m discovered. I’m mysterious like that.”

I’m confused (well … moreso than usual). Using this criterion as a standard, can I now claim to be America’s Greatest Young Football Coach?* One of the country’s Best Young Beer Drinkers?** Perhaps our nation’s premiere Young Midget Tosser***? Possibly the United States’ Most Promising Young Limerickist****? Even the land’s Top Young Boss Ridiculer and Sarcasticist?*****

So dream big, young bloggists, artists, search engine-ists and whatever-Will-does-isists … In the immortal words of Jerry Seinfeld, “I’m not sure how official any of these rankings really are.”

* Never technically coached a football game on any level.
** Never technically won a sanctioned drinking contest.
*** Never technically launched a wee person across a room (though I did curse at a blind dwarf with wrenched pants once).
**** Never officially recognized by one of the country’s limerick-judging organizations.
***** Never technically announced as such, though I should humbly say that I would win this hands-down.

It’s Tourney Time In Tampa, Toddlers

The 2007 ACC Tournament kicks off on Thursday afternoon in Tampa, Fla. Since football is over, “24” sucks, “Lost” is drowning and Britney hasn’t done anything interesting in hours, I figured I’d take a look at the field. Later in the week, I’ll make a few predictions to keep it interesting …

1. UNC
Wow. Lose vs. Duke and you are the fifth seed and have to play four games in four days. Win and you are the regular-season champ and top seed. Will Gerald Henderson’s elbow wake up a team that doesn’t seem to care sometimes? Will Roy Williams settle on a smaller rotation that makes sense? Will the freshmen respond to the tournament setting? How goofy will Tyler Hansbrough look with a mask on? These are a few of the questions surrounding the conference’s most talented, yet enigmatic, team.

2. Virginia
Dave Leitao may deserve Coach of the Year for bringing a team picked to finish eighth in the league to the brink of the regular-season title … but to lose to Wake Forest when you have a chance for the crown? Doesn’t that eliminate you from Coach of the Year consideration right there? Obviously, the Wahoos will go only as far as Sean Singletary and J.R. Reynolds take them, but this is a dangerous team when a third player plays well on any given night. The Cavaliers will hope that opponents are distracted by Jason Cain’s porn ‘stache so they can steal a win or two.

3. Virginia Tech
I’ve never seen Seth Greenberg madder than he was yesterday, and that’s saying something. He looked like someone ate the last knish while he wasn’t looking. Granted, the Hokies got screwed at the end against Clemson with a shot at the championship, but you can’t let yourself get to that position. VT has been playing somewhat over their heads this season, and unless Zabian Dowdell keeps playing lights-out, this could be a candidate for an early exit.

4. Boston College
The classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde team, you have to question the Eagles’ mental toughness. Here’s a squad that had two players suspended earlier in the year, managed to stay in the ACC race, then lost four out of five down the stretch. Against the Techs (Virginia and Georgia), BC simply got manhandled and lost their composure. In the pressure cooker that is the ACC Tournament, can they maintain their poise (yes, I’m trying to write this without using the word “thug”) and lean on likely Player of the Year Jared Dudley and whirling dervish Tyrese Rice? Not if they play No. 5 …

5. Maryland
Seven in a row in the ACC? Holy crap. Amazingly, the Terps are still a team that isn’t getting much pub, which is just the way Gary Williams likes it. Above all else, the Terrapins are just so physical and tough. With “General Greivis” Vasquez, D.J. Strawberry and Mike Jones on the perimeter to supplement a rugged frontline, nobody wants to play Maryland right now. What better way for Ebene Ibekwe to celebrate his decade of ACC hoops than with a trip to the finals? Williams is a terrific big-game coach who relishes the challenge of facing the teams that hog the headlines, so this may be another year to fear the turtle.

6. Georgia Tech
Rookie Javaris Crittenton just may be the best point guard in the league right now, and he’s getting plenty of help from bomber Anthony Morrow, versatile Thaddeus Young, and big men Ra’Sean Dickey and Jeremis Smith. If the Jackets have a solid leader, perimeter shooting, “glue” players and bruisers on the interior, what are they missing? Experience. The growing-pains part of their season may be behind them, but the league tourney is a difficult place to put such beliefs to the test. Plus, it has to be hard for Paul Hewitt to coach with that inchworm constantly itching his nose while he’s trying to berate an official.

7. Duke
The Blue Devils' bookstore may be getting a lot of requests for Gerald Henderson jerseys from around the league right now, but his absence for the first game of the ACC Tournament certainly won’t help Duke’s cause. This is still a team without an identity beyond Coach Krazooski’s trademark pressure, denial defense, and even if Greg Paulus has turned into an offensive threat, he hasn’t gotten much help from turnover machine Josh McBob, disappearing man DeMarcus Nelson and Public-Enemy-No. 1-in-waiting Jon Scheyer, who makes a lot of funny faces, but he hasn’t lived up to his reputation as a deadeye shooter just yet. Coach K and the intimidation factor will always give the Devils a legitimate chance, but this is the wrong year to have a weak bench, offensive woes and inexperience.

8. Clemson
The Tigers made a late bid for an NCAA Tournament berth with an impressive win at Virginia Tech, but they will have to win a couple in the league tourney to ensure a spot. Clemson started out 17-0, but then what happened? They remembered that they have to play in the ACC and that they are Clemson. Oliver Purnell has a couple of nice players at his disposal and the Tigers’ press can be stifling against teams with poor backcourts – but there aren’t many of those left in March. The good news is that Clemson can spend the rest of the offseason declining admission to UNC football recruits.

9. Florida State
A promising season derailed down the stretch for Leonard Hamilton, but anytime you have Al Thornton, you have a chance. Fresh off a 45-point outing, Thornton is a darkhorse pick for Player of the Year and an absolute matchup nightmare for just about anybody. He is actually reminding me of Tim Pickett, who was incredible a couple of years ago for the Seminoles and scared the crap out of anybody who had to try to check him. Unfortunately, Thornton is surrounded by underachievers and you can’t win four games in four days without significant help from a couple of inspired teammates. A bad idea would be to have Chuck Amato give the pregame pep talk …

10. NC State
The Pack has made for a good story all season long, knocking off UNC and sweeping Virginia Tech, but the frightening lack of depth has taken its toll every other game. State has enough juice to rise up and play a terrific game, but usually plays leg-weary and unfocused the next time out. That’s a recipe for disaster in the ACC Tournament. If Courtney Fells comes out of witness protection and Brandon Costner learns the art of the pass, NC State could be as dangerous as anyone. Expect a lot of references to the 1997 “Iron Five” that made a dramatic run to the tourney finals, but asking players to play 160 minutes in four days is too much for Sidney Lowe’s crew. But the best-dressed coach in America will certainly still look good if and when the Pack is dismissed.

11. Wake Forest
Skip Prosser has had another difficult year without Chris Paul, though the Deacs rose up and smacked Virginia on Senior Night. When Kyle Visser gets the ball and appears motivated, he’s a force down low, but as when Eric Williams wore the black and gold, those moments are few and far between. Instead, Wake Forest likes to jack it up from the outside and chill out on defense. The 406 Tampa octogenarians who show up for the 9 p.m. game on Thursday will likely get their first and only look Prosser’s legendary bangs.

12. Miami
Frank Haith has a roster littered with streaky shooters, but injuries and a lack of size have hamstrung the Hurricanes this year. Guards Anthony Harris, Dennis Clemente and Jack McClinton can occasionally shoot well enough to keep Miami in games, but sustaining accurate long-range shooting over the course of a tournament is a tough gig – if you’re not named Randolph Childress. As an added kick in the cornflakes, the ‘Canes drew the ACC’s hottest team, Maryland, in the first round. But hey … South Beach is a great place to hang out and watch the rest of the tourney.

Limerick Friday XXI: Mr. Anonymous Goes To Cary

After a one-week hiatus, Limerick Friday is back in full effect today, bigger and more nonsensical than ever. Without further ado ...

An Evan-Will war of words
About whether Will loses girls to nerds
Anonymous must be a drama queen
Stir up trouble, then slip away clean
Whoever you are, your posts are for the birds

March Madness time quickly draws near
You’ll learn new mascots like Banana Slug and Chanticleer
You’ll see Greg Gumble’s jerry curl every day
And realize Billy Packer has nothing good to say
Then you’ll piss away $10 on a pool and say, “Well, there’s always next year”

A Teflon vice president named Dick
For the Grim Reaper he’s far too quick
That dude’s like Friday the 13th’s Jason
He’s not worried even when his heart’s racin’
Grabs his shotgun and says, “I’ll never die, I’m way too slick”

Became a trailer bride, had a coupla kids, got left by K-Fed
Forgot to wear panties and shared Paris Hilton’s bed
My question amidst all this Britney smuck
Is, seriously, who really gives a f$#k?
There wasn’t half this much drama when Will shaved his head

A wee hobbit went north to celebrate a new season
Drank too much grog and looked pale beyond reason
Thought he would woo the fair princess
Yet wound up with a troll from the land of Hostess
Cried bitter hobbit tears and blamed the princess for teasin’

The ACC Tournament’s in Tampa Bay
Couldn’t think of a worse place to play
They don’t like hoops in the Sunshine State
Their elderly citizens are in REM sleep by eight
Bring it back to Greensboro, and there it should stay

Free agency starts today in the NFL
Millions of dollars thrown about at the sound of the bell
Rooting for an impact signing for the Dolphins
Someone who can help us finally get to nine wins
If it’s another Hebrew quarterback I’m going to give up and say, “What the hell”

Coach Lowe, you gotta get healthy, man
Maybe mix in a salad every now and again
Hit the treadmill when you have time
Then hydrate with water and a lime
Need you wearing that red jacket as long as you can

Saw John McCain on Letterman trying to quench his presidential thirst
Think you might want to figure out which party you’re in first
Cracked a coupla cheesy jokes
Even worked in a few Iraq pokes
But with Obama, Hillary, Edwards and more, your bubble may be burst

Off to the salon they sashay
Giddy as schoolgirls in May
They recline and whisper, “We need a pedicure for our toes
“Meany Coach Roy makes it hard for our nails to grows”
Now try to tell me being a Tar Heel isn’t gay