Friday, September 26, 2014

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIV: Months Before It Airs, Season 2 of “True Detective” Already Blows, Plus Please Leave Philbin With The Wankers

I loved the first “True Detective”
But now their casting’s defective
Colin Farrell and Vince Vaughn?
Were all the real actors gone?
Expectations now put into perspective

Coach K got hammered ‘til the bell
By a name even harder to spell
Wojnarowski blistered the coach
For using USA hoops to poach
When Calipari complains, your tactics must really smell

Nuck dodging hits in Havana
Part of the “Boardwalk Empire” panorama
Meyer Lansky lurking around
Chalky escaped underground
Luciano now Brooklyn’s top banana?

Undefeated with a third win
By the hair of my chinny-chin-chin
Now I’m in bye week hell
My backups have a distinctive smell
Pop that champagne, Garo Yepremian

The body blows don’t abate
As Philbin engenders hate
He’s got Tanny saying, “Why me?”
And a nation saying, “Blimey!”
Shitcan him in London, why wait?

Friday, September 19, 2014

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIII: The ‘Fins Are Who We Thought They Were, Plus The Scooters’ Depth Tested Early

Back to earth with a thud
Every Tannehill pass like a scud
A predictable loss to the Bills
Has fans running for the hills
The future of this team, clear as mud

The reigning Man of the Year
Reinjured and shed a tear
Charles Tillman is what’s right
In a league that’s full of blight
For Peanut, well wishes and a cheer

On the other hand, we read
About Adrian Peterson’s need
To beat his illegitimate 4-year-olds
With trees instead of scolds
Purple Jesus, indeed

The last season has finally hit
“Sons of Anarchy” has violence with no wit
Jax trying to avenge Tara’s killing
Believe his mom, he’s still willing?!
He’s losing control bit by bit

Everywhere, they were dropping like flies
Lost four of my starting guys
In a single cursed afternoon
A 2-0 team with an injury swoon
Fantasy football, I shake my fist at your skies

Friday, September 12, 2014

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXII: Bullying The Hoody, Plus Missing Mo

Finally got a running game
Of the Dolphins, no longer ashamed
Forced Brady into the fetal position
Pounded the Patsies into submission
No more of the same ol’ same?

Fitzgerald made me say uh-oh
My kicker was kinda of a no-show
But Lynch went into beast mode
Vernon Davis never really slowed
Just feels good to be 1-0

An emotional “The Leftovers” finale
Took no time to dilly or dally
The Guilty Remnant got torched
So many memories got scorched
Kevin and Nora may just rally

The NFL repeatedly liared
Guess TMZ they should have hired
Hard to get worse than Ray Rice
He’s like a maggot with lice
But it’s time for Goodell to be fired

Two years gone by
Yet each week I cry
At the loss of you
The one thing that was true
Robbed of the chance to ask why

Friday, August 29, 2014

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI: Comedy Will Never Be The Same, Plus A Jarring Transition Back To Reality

A comedic genius lost too soon
Spark criticism from many a loon
But what can’t be lost
Is a legacy at all cost
Robin Williams took us all to the moon

The ‘Fins can’t seem to avoid
Suspensions for the steroid
First it was Jordan the bust
Then Reshad Jones thought it a must
With placebos they seem to have toyed

Like a forgotten Christmas toy
“The Killing” returned to my joy
A mini-season on NetFlix
Overall, wouldn’t be in my favorite picks
But the ending was perfect, oh boy

Reliving an epic PGA
Rory capped a remarkable day
Outdueled Fowler and Philly Mick
Even Stenson before he lost his stick
Tigger’s been unseated, I’d say

The planning was more than clever
It rained almost freaking never
A week in Nogs Head
Nothing I’d rather do instead
Only the best vacation of ever

Friday, August 01, 2014

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: Sun Rises On A New Season, Plus Football Has Arrove

As fall does begin
A do-over for the Pack again
Expectations are all moot
When you get down to it, shoot
Let’s start with a conference win

Just before getting married
Unconscious, so Rice carried
Off an elevator, what a thrill
A pre-honeymoon if you will
A story Goodell couldn’t buried

The O line a continuing prob
Making Tannehill want to sob
Pouncey a punk and galoot
Will miss half the year to boot
But still ‘Fins optimism you can’t rob

An end to incessant movin’
Three months in, I’m proven
Go above and beyond a bit
Then they put a ring on it
Go permanent and keep groovin’

The last pick once again mine
Though that’s really just fine
I pick 14th, this is true
But 15th is mine, too
Draft spot never slowed my incline

Monday, July 28, 2014

Dolphins Draft Results: Another Roll Of The Dice, Another Brick In The Wall

1st round: OT Ju’Wuan James
2nd round: WR Jarvis Landry
3rd round: OT/OG Billy Turner
4th round: CB Walt Aikens
5th round: TE Arthur Lynch
5th round: OLB Jordan Tripp
6th round: WR Matt Hazel
7th round: DE Terrence Fede

Usually, three months or so is long enough (like last year) for me to get over all the inevitable and redundant mistakes the Miami Dolphins have made during Draft Day, so as training camp gets hopping in earnest, it’s high time to take a look at the rookie class.

Under new general manager fill in unknown dead man walking here Dennis Hickey, the ‘Fins spent its first three picks on offense. That’s the good news; the bad news is that Miami wasted little time earning guffaws around the league by choosing fast-riser (only for the ‘Fins?) Ju’Wuan James, a tackle out of Tennessee. Considering Miami left a lot of talent on the board and whiffed mightily on a high-round Tennessee offensive lineman just a season ago, the criticism was earned.

The Dolphins were involved in three trades on Friday, but there are legitimate questions (still) on whether Miami got enough. Unfortunately, the Billy Turner pick seemed to ruin all the efforts that went into drafting LSU receiver Jarvis Landry, which seemed to be shifting Miami’s draft in a positive direction when it happened.

The rest of the haul was littered with a whopping five players from non-BCS schools, pegging this is as a bit of a high-risk draft for a first-year GM. In three years or so, we’ll have an indication of what these draft results are returning, but the early impression is that Miami had a middling draft that is largely dependent on how quickly James can land—and solidify—the right tackle position on a woeful offensive front.
Now to the specifics and player profiles

First Round (19th overall): Ju’Wuan James, OT, Tennessee
 If you’re a Dolphins fan, this was the sort of trainwreck-in-slow-motion move you were expecting. Sure, he’s a right tackle by trade, is experienced with 40+ starts in the ACC and has the stature at 6-6, 311 pounds … but most had him pegged as a mid-second-round talent. Not only that, but Miami turned down trade requests to move down and acquire an extra third-rounder. So essentially, the ‘Fins elected to not only reach for a guy, but basically use first- and third-round picks on a second-rounder, which is quintessential Miami math and reason #6,408 how bad teams stay bad.
Other guys that were still on the board and intriguing were Alabama safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, Michigan State corner Darqueze Dennard, Oregon State wideout Brandin Cooks and USC receiver Marquise Lee. Again, I understand the need for James and I don’t hate the pick, but I take issue with the inability or unwillingness to parlay the 19th overall spot into a higher value. Also, I question where his eyebrows are.

Second Round (63rd overall): Jarvis Landry, WR, LSU
I almost never say this in conjunction with a Miami Dolphins draft selection, but I absolutely loved this pick. Using a pick from Denver through San Francisco, Landry was the result of a couple of shrew trade-downs that allowed Miami to pick up extra fourth- and fifth-rounders while still adding a playmaker. At 5-11, 205, Landry has great hands, strong slot skills and brings an element of toughness and swagger to a position and an offense that has lacked that for too long. With three wideouts coming off ACLs, he’ll have a great chance to impact right away, and in my estimation, represents the best draft pick in recent memory for this franchise.

Third Round (67th overall): Billy Turner, OT, North Dakota State
OK, so remember all the praise I bestowed on the ‘Fins braintrust, like, 30 seconds ago? This pick, to me, took a dump on all those shrewd moves. Turner was arguably the second major reach in three picks, and not only was he graded a fifth-rounder by many, but he cost Miami a third- and a fourth-rounder as part of a tradeup with Oakland. That’s an awful lot for a small-school project guy headed for a position change right off the bat.
So that’s the bad news. The good news is Turner is 6-5, 315, has a nasty disposition and likely will have a chip on his shoulder with all the non-BCS talk. He projects to left guard, which is a vacant spot for the Dolphins, so he will certainly have a shot at starting. The biggest issue here, to me, is that this seemed a bit panicky and undid a lot of the strong work done throughout the second round to address value and ammunition.

Fourth Round (125th overall): Walt Aikens, CB, Liberty
So Aikens was kicked out of Illinois for stealing a laptop, but that’s where the Cam Newton similarities end. He has good size (6-1, 205) and speed, and the hope is that the character concerns have been addressed through a humbling process that lands you somewhere like Liberty. This would appear to be a good spot to take a chance on a risk like Aikens, but it also points up the pervasive sentiment that Miami whiffed badly on second- and third-round corners a year ago in Jamar Taylor and Will Davis.

Fifth Round (155th overall): Arthur Lynch, TE, Georgia
At 6-5, 258 pounds, Lynch is a massive dude and an SEC-tested talent—an anomaly in the midst of a run on small-school diamonds in the rough. However, he’s not a seam threat, which is what Miami ostensibly needs. However, the ‘Fins have been investing heavily in drafting tight ends in recent years, and this is a good draft slot to draft a guy for a position that has increased in importance—and a position at which the Dolphins are by no means set. I’m not sure I see the fit, but hell, if he’s a good in-line blocker who can help the running game while also helping out struggling tackles in pass pro, it’s certainly a worthwhile pick.

Fifth Round (171st overall): Jordan Tripp, OLB, Montana
My initial thought was that size (6-3, 234) could be a concern for Tripp, but this selection has been roundly lauded and pointed out as a good sleeper by most draft analysts. At the very least, he could be a special-teams ace, and the promising aspect is that this is a guy who was rising up many draft boards through the process. Chosen with a pick from the Broncos through the 49ers, Tripp is an addition to a position group that struggled mightily a season ago, and he could be a guy to watch throughout the preseason.

Sixth Round (190th overall): Matt Hazel, WR, Coastal Carolina
The analysts seemed to really like this pick, with the thought process being that the 6-1, 198-pound Hazel could fit on the outside or in the slot. However, the Dolphins are stacked with similarly regarded wideouts, and one gets the impression that a receiver with more of a definitive strength and with kick-return potential would have had a better shot to impact the roster. As it stands now, it would be an upset if Hazel made the practice squad.

Seventh Round (234th overall): Terrence Fede, DE, Marist
Fede is the first player ever taken from Marist. He is 6-4, 276 pounds. I can't tell you much more than that, other than that he is joining perhaps the strength of the 'Fins roster. At the very least, as a representative of the smallest of small schools, he'll be an easy dude to root for.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIX: A Memorable Open Championship, Plus A Big Day For An Impish Wee One

The runaway story
Was an on-fire Rory
Sergio made a run
By a bunker undone
McIlroy coated in glory

The prose does more hum than sing
The story more clank than ring
Ambivalence the word of the day
For “Mr. Mercedes,” I’d say
Expect more than “enh” from Stephen King

Blood, tears, bruises and sweat
For training camp, we’re all set
Players gained and lost
But hey, fingers crossed
No freaking losses yet!

“Downton Abbey” created all kindsa buzz
So I wanted to see why ‘cause
Buncha wankers sitting around talking?
If I wanted to watch that kinda squawking
Woulda stayed working where I was

A huge fan of Artoo
And anything choo-choo
Even Elmo now and again
For my irrepressible Finn
Hard to believe that you’re two