Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Scooter & Hum Takes A Break

I wanted to let all my loyal followers (both of you) know that I'll be on vacation for the next coupla weeks, so it'll be up to you to entertain yourselves. That sounded creepy, in a Pee Wee Herman kinda way. Anyway.


Scoot out.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXX: Fat Goes With Football, Plus Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

A fantasy camp for overweight, creepy men
They never get up when told to drop down and give them 10
Clemson is trying anything to raise money
They try so hard to cheat that it ain’t funny
It’s a sad state of fanship when this is your moment of zen

Another Earth Day has come and passed
We’ve got to find alternate fuels, and fast
The ice caps are melting at the North Pole
We’re turning our planet into a black hole
How much longer can Mother Earth last?

That fatass Ralph Friedgen is all about burning a bridge
He’s the lone voice blasting the ‘Noles on that ridge
But he’s right when it comes to cheating FSU
The penalty didn’t fit their crime, it’s true
Not afraid to open his mouth, is that hungry Fridge

Some people considered him a pretentious prick
While others think he’s a hoops genius on a stick
But now Pitino’s the target of an extortion plot
All I know is that they’re not going to get a lot
Pinstriped suits and an Italian name, don’t mess with Rick

Lots happening in this Scooter time and age
Birthdays, weddings, honeymoons are all the rage
This blog’s gotta go on hiatus for a while
As I work on my Mexican and my vacation smile
From kid to adult, am I ready for this new stage?

Last time

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Guru.com: "War And Peace" Is Worth $15 To This Rectal Wizard; Also, Other Stellar Opportunities

More mind-numbing "projects" cascade through the In-Box …

Title: Need A Dedicated Content Writer to Provide Quality and Original Articles for Long-term Relationship Project ID: 486487
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: Hi every one

We are looking for A Dedicated Content Writer to Provide Quality and Original Articles for Long-term Relationship

Here are the instructions:
We are looking for well written articles on financially related topics. Articles must be politically and religiously neutral. There can be no prejudice or derogatory language or ideas conveyed in the articles. All articles must be original content, not published anywhere else. We have a system that searches the net and checks for similarly written content.

Pick from a list of these keywords; payday loans, cash advance, unsecured personal loans, installment loans, and short term loans. You should add as many helping words as possible such as instant, online, faxless, no fax, no faxing, no credit check, without credit checks, same day, direct deposit, quick, fast, easy, secure, safe, today, cash, money, lenders, lending, etc. Example: if you pick “payday loans” keep this as your target keyword throughout the article. Use whichever keyword you pick 5 times in your article including your title. Modify the keyword by adding the helping words. Example: “fast payday loans,” “payday loans quickly,” “same day payday loans,” etc.

Here are the guidelines:

1.540 words is the minimum article size.

2.Break up your article with subtitles in each paragraph. This makes the article more readable.

3. Keywords: You must use one keyword in 5 places. Make sure, when you use the keywords, they’re used in a comfortable, natural way. Do not use them just to use them. The keywords choices to use are:

* Payday loan or payday loans
* Cash advance or cash advances
* Personal loan or personal loans

4.The 160-character maximum summary: Along with your article, you must include your summary. This must contain your keyword.

5. The 5 places to use the keyword are:

* In the maximum 65 character title
* In the first sentence of the first paragraph
* In the middle of the article, somewhere
* Within the last paragraph
* In the 160-character maximum summary

We give you Basic Requirement above

About the Commissions:
It’s important for you to receive payment.

$1-$5 for each article.

Payment will be weekly or bi-weekly.


Articles have to be 100% unique and must pass Copyscape.
You can not publish it elsewhere; The copyright will belong exclusively to us.

Articles must be written in perfect English and without any spelling, punctuation or grammatical errors. Substandard content will NOT be accepted.

We need your articles to drive more traffic to our website. So, please write some Fresh and Attractive topic of Payday loan and Cash Advance. However, you must follow our guidelines.

Need some advice?

Please see our samples provided(not forget to The 160-character maximum summary not provided in our samples, you can write it yourself as you like) If you are serious with this job please send us 2-3 samples according to our guidelines and samples in the attachment,

Thank you! We will look forward to doing business with you!

I don't know where to begin with this fucking degenerate. You want a minimum of 700 words of SEO-optimized copy, in perfect English and with no grammatical errors, and you want to pay a qualified writer who has taken the initiative to sign up with a supposedly serious freelance writing site "$1 to $5"? Are you goddam kidding me? You are a stinking douchebag who is trying to run a mortgage pyramid scheme at sweatshop rates, and if there's a Buddha anywhere to be found, you won't get a single freaking response. "Need some advice?" Go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut, ass monkey.

Title: Song Writer
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: i sing for a newly formed metal band called TragikSanity but i have never written lyrics before...can you help and how much per song? i need to have a 3 to 4 song demo done by Feb 3rd...

TragikSanity is certainly off to a rock star start if their lead singer has never written lyrics and they're trying to schlub songs off an Internet freelance writing site. I look forward to seeing you open for Unremarkable Anus at the Butner IHOP soon.

Title: Reference letter for former employee
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: A very good employee with my company for 9 years asked me to write a reference letter for her. I tried to write the letter but it stunk. It did not have the feeling that I felt of her value. After this last blunder, I would like to return with something that will work. for her.


Well, Wayne, if she worked for you for nine years and you had trouble thinking of just what it was that made her a good employee, I'm sure a perfect stranger will do a bang-up job demonstrating "her value." Because if there's one thing that freelance writers are good at, it's avoiding blunders when it comes to hammering out reference letters for random secretaries.

Title: Pandemic Flu Impact
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: We have a document which has been cut and pasted from several sources. We want to smooth out the document and do a complete re-write so we do not have to go out and get copyright persmission on most items (we will on graphs, charts, etc as needed).

The document is approximately 60 pages in length.

Literace, are you listening? This plagiarism special sounds right up your alley.

Title: Man lives in phone booth
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: This man is living in and currently halfway through 29 days in an original 1940's telephone booth to create a new world's record category. He's been traveling around America fokr years in this mobile phone booth asking "Can you hear me now Mr. President". This project is an effort to have "America's First National Tree" permanently planted on the White House lawn. This story has been and is currently being covered by TV newscasts, radio and print media.
There is much material and should be a fun undertaking for anyone willing to help me write this book. Thank you.

First of all, who am I to ignore a possible project that starts with the title, "Man lives in phone booth"? Hell, I want to write this as a freaking novel, much less a book. Although I could see some possible questions surrounding the idea of using a phone booth to promote an idea to plant a tree on the White House lawn. Not only does it make little sense, but aren't phones responsible for the destruction of millions of trees needed to string phone lines?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Scorsese Dials 9-1-1 With Tremendous "Bringing Out The Dead"

Somewhat lost amidst Martin Scorsese's incredible catalog of work is 1999's tremendous "Bringing Out the Dead." Armed with a phenomenal cast, a gritty plot line, an ideal backdrop and a universal message, this flick blends intensity, humor, drama and horror into a two-hour viewing session that will leave you exhausted. It's an emotional-enough experience to make you want to emulate the lead character and give yourself a shot of adrenalin—and maybe one of whiskey as well.

The story, based on the novel by Joe Connelly, follows the path taken by a haunted paramedic named Frank Pierce, played by Nicolas Cage. During the course of a nonstop 56-hour tour that proceeds at a break-neck pace, Frank is dogged by the spirits of those he could not save, personified by Rose, a Hispanic girl lost by Frank due to a poor decision as he treated her. Frank worries that he has lost his touch, that everyone he treats is dying, that the ghosts of Rose that he sees on every corner and in every face will never let him sleep.

His initial partner on the Thursday that this manic shift starts is Larry, played by the tremendous John Goodman. The Cage-Goodman dynamic is alternately hilarious and pain-evoking, as we increasingly see that Frank is a guilt-ridden alcoholic ("These are hard times … sobriety's killing me") that Larry can't reach or help. Worse, due to the demand for ambulances and paramedics in violence-torn New York City, nothing Frank does will result in his firing, which he practically begs for. Spurred on by the arrival of the lethal street drug "red death," every shift is heavy with the potential for blood, even as sunrise approaches, with Larry reminding Frank that it's always darkest just before the dawn.

Armed with an awesome soundtrack replete with plenty of Clash, the movie shows Frank as he progresses his way through other crazy partners, including the laid-back Marcus (a great Ving Rhames) and the overly violent Wolls (a tremendously memorable turn by Tom Sizemore). Frank deals with an endless series of disturbed characters, from the mentally challenged Noel (a surprisingly good effort by Marc Anthony) to the silky-smooth drug dealer Cy (Cliff Curtis), as well as a plethora of accidents and events that only add to the high-octane intensity of the three-day haul. Scorsese speeds up the cinematography at times, cranks up the soundtrack and pulls the curtains on the city to project a dark, downtrodden, gritty NYC.

Frank tries to find solace from his endless guilt by partaking in Cy's Dayrise Enterprises/Stress-Free Factory, but he has a bad trip and flips out, pursued even in his altered state by the ghosts who won't let him rest. His time is increasingly taken up by the mercurial Mary Burke (Patricia Arquette), a pained woman who draws Frank in due to her dueling personalities as a saint-like victim and a common junkie. The chemistry between the two is built through Frank's treatment of Mary's father, who begins to communicate with Frank telepathically while on his death bed, begging him to let him die. The budding Frank-Mary relationships is propelled by grief and guilt, and is undoubtedly aided on-screen by the fact that Cage and Arquette were married at the time.

Increasingly, we realize that "Bringing Out the Dead" is about much more than just the crazy lives of medics and the toll that profession takes on its participants; it's also about New York City itself. Mary tells Frank, "This city … it'll kill you if you're not strong enough." After a pause, Frank responds, "The city doesn't discriminate—it gets everybody." As the flick winds to a close, Frank helps Mary's father find peace, rescues Noel and consoles Mary ("We're all dying") leaving himself morally, mentally and physically exhausted, a shell of a human being. Yet he achieves some inner resolution when he confront's Rose's ghost, and then light begins to enter the film at the very end … the conclusion is marked with religious overtones, as Mary embraces Frank as they are bathed in light, effectively releasing his burden in a scene that echoes the Madonna-with-child portrait.

Despite its bleak, anarchic portrayal of NYC; realistic depiction of a life lived on the edge; and its excellent voiceover work, "Bringing Out the Dead" was largely overlooked when it came to award time. When you consider the stellar cast (which also featured Scorsese himself as a hysterical dispatcher, Queen Latifah as another dispatcher, and Judy Reyes, who also plays a nurse on "Scrubs," and Tony Soprano's sister, Aida Turturro, as nurses), it's amazing that this flick didn't get more run on the awards circuit. Cage is both hilarious and sad—does any actor more fittingly or easily play a beaten-down, world-weary character?—and the movie hits a home run as a no-holds-barred perspective of New York's hidden heroes. If you're like me and this one slipped past you amidst other, more publicized releases, do yourself a favor and check out Scorsese and Cage at or near their very best … you'll be glad you did.

Monday, April 20, 2009

"Full Frontal" Doesn't Necessarily Mean What You Think It Means

"So 'Full Frontal PR' is now a sort of verb. 'Full Frontal' is not reacting but creating. When you are 'Full Frontal' you aren't waiting for news to happen, you are the news. 'Full Frontal PR' is reinventing what you have in order to make it relevant to a newsy, cultural, or consumer need that is out there at that second. This is the path by which people begin to understand what's behind the curtain of image."

Packed full of examples and an enthusiastic writing style, "Full Frontal PR: Building Buzz About Your Business, Your Product, or You" by Richard Laermer has emerged as one of the true bibles of the public relations world.

It starts out by citing "Blair Witch Project" as perhaps the greatest modern story of the power of PR, then proceeds to offer pertinent advice on how to navigate obstacles in the public relations landscape. "Five Ways to a Reporter's Heart" (“Journalists aren’t as jaded as you’ve told or led to imagine … Faced with shrinking newsroom staffs and resources, plus far heavier workloads, journalists today can’t afford that brand of cynicism. No, they want help from good sources.”), "Do or Die Commandments for PR" and an examination of "E-tequitte" are just some of the interesting and necessary sections that can be applied to the PR expert or just a novice.

Not that this tome is an ideal resource. At times, "Full Frontal PR" feels a little dated, and it can often read as if it's suggesting that public relations is as easy as 1-2-3, not giving the PR world enough credit for its true cutthroat nature. The Web links are basically obsolete, and there is a feeling of an overreliance on examples rather than the helpful tips needed to jump into the PR fray. "Full Frontal PR" had been described to me as a little overly optimistic, and that perspective does permeate the book at times, to slight frustration.

At the end, however, "Full Frontal PR" also comes to a self-realization in describing the difficulty inherent in selling your company to a world that doesn’t take kindly to unsolicited opinions and information:

“There’s simply no just add water solution. Great PR takes time, patience, and a lot of talent, time, and effort. Anyone can land a story with enough phone calls, but remember, that’s not the goal. What you’re ultimately trying to achieve is to communicate through the media how your products or services promote exciting cultural developments, shifts, or trends.”

Overall, I found Laermer's book to be an easy read and highly quotable. Like "Guerrilla PR 2.0," the can-do spirit can feel a little too invasive, but there are sound, rock-solid, logical tips, tricks and strategies offered to get you on the road to good PR. It was an essential resource in my reintroduction to PR, allowing it to carve out an easy-to-reach spot in my cubicle.

“A smart PR guy once told us that the best way to approach PR was to try to figure out how to get your logo on the next orbit-bound space shuttle and work it from there.”

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Red-White Goes Pink As State Football Saves The Boobies

Maybe it just worked out that way, but it seemed to be no coincidence that State held its annual Red-White Spring Game on the most beautiful day of the year. Any excuse to tailgate in April is a good one, but throw in the fact that the spring game was held in the name of former Wolfpack women's basketball coach Kay Yow, who recently passed away after a long battle against breast cancer, and it was a tremendous day for NC State. The icing on the cake was the Pack welcoming back hundreds of former footballers for an emotional alumni reunion that gets bigger and better every year.

The headline of the spring game was the quarterback battle between incumbent and reigning ACC Rookie of the Year Russell Wilson and much-ballyhooed (yeah, I said it) redshirt freshman Mike Glennon. Both had their moments, with Glennon throwing darts all over the field and Wilson continuing to show the ability to throw on the move and put amazing touch on down-the-field aerials. The final score was 10-7, the Red over the White, but the second half featured no Wilson (he had to jet off to join the baseball team for a game) and a running clock to get it over as quickly as possible.

Fans were allowed on the field after the game, which became humorous as scores of middle-aged men jostled to rip up the field turf using car keys. State is replacing the field, which featured a pink ribbon in Yow's memory, immediately following this weekend, so whoever had the stamina and desire to take home bits of the field were more than welcome. Kids chased players around the field for autographs and pictures, and 40-year-old men were reduced to 9 years old as they did the same (this means you, P-Nut). In a really nice touch, coach Tom O'Brien and his staff all wore pink polos and hats for the game (as did I, so I was in good company), in a show of solidarity for Yow and the fight against breast cancer.

All in all, more than 21,000 Pack fans packed Carter-Finley Stadium, which is a number made all the more remarkable when you consider that UNC and Duke both had around 1,500 at their own spring games. Wolfpack Nation raised over $30,000 for the Kay Yow/WBCA Cancer Fund and the Kay Yow Memorial Endowment. A sneak peak at the '09 version of the Pack, tailgating and football in April, wearing pink without feeling fruity, a beautiful day, a beer in hand, and all for a good cause? Not a bad way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

Go Pack!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXIX: Kimmy B. Returns To "24," Plus Hurley Kinda Looks Like Chewbacca

Every week, lots packed into a single hour
Jack perseveres with his superhuman power
The one thing I can say about "24"
Is this show is surely never a bore
Now even better with the return of Kimmy Bauer

Angel Cabrera finally delivered the goods
He and K.P. might as well have been playing under hoods
CBS ignored the best performers at the Masters
Jim Nance fell in love with Lefty even fasters
Tired of the media hating others to chase Tiger Woods

They robbed a cookie-selling 9-year-old Girl Scout
When they had to return the money, they proceeded to pout
This story of the dumbest girls ever made me loller
They make Miss South Carolina look like a scholar
The crumbling of our society makes me want to shout

It's the return of basketball's very own Teflon Man
Once faked an ankle injury in the NBA, was never a fan
Then he proceeded to harass as a coach with no quibble
And reduced the once-proud Knicks to bits of kibble
The hoops world should have given him a lifetime ban

From starting to the bench was the path of his career
To allegations that he and Christian Laettner were queer
This is the tale of the untalented Mr. Paulus
Whose soccer-like flopping skills used to appall us
Could it be that he'll play football for Dick-Rod and his sneer?

Miles is capable of talking to a dead soul
His dad, Marvin Candle, is a big-time a-hole
Hurley's writing Empire Strikes Back
He looks a bit like Chewie, that's a fact
Sawyer had to knock out a potential mole

Last time

Thursday, April 16, 2009

"Groundhog Day" + "The Lake House" – Keanu = "Premonition"

The only thing I remembered about "Premonition" before seeing it was that it had one of the best movie posters I'd ever seen and a forgettable trailer. But I'm a sucker for thrillers, so when I saw it was on cable the other evening, I forced myself to sit down and check it out.

Starring Sandra Bullock and one of the dudes from "Nip/Tuck", this flick started out by examining this pair's descent from a glowing, newly engaged couple (even the names, Jim and Linda, are a cliché) into a family with a couple of kids, waging separate battles against mind-numbing domesticity. But merely 10 minutes in, Linda receives a strange voice-mail message from her husband, then a visit from a cop telling her her husband has just been killed in a car accident, which understandable jars her into a near-catatonic numbness.

Ten minutes after that in the flick, Linda awakens to her husband having mysteriously reappeared. We quickly are submerged into a series of questions about whether she is having a dream or whether she is experiencing déjà vu and what has taken place while she has slept and who she has met and who she hasn't. The audience is left to wonder just what is real and what isn't—especially after Linda discovers her oldest daughter on the swingset, her face covered with cuts from an accident that Linda doesn't remember occurring. The youngest daughter sets the tone of the movie by asking her mother, if she wasn't there to see her father die, how do you know he died, then?

Beheadings, electrocutions, shattered glass doors, mirrors covered with towels, a mysterious woman appearing at the funeral, lithium, wine, creepy-ass psychiatrists (played by Peter Stormare, best remembered as Nihilist #1 from "Big Lebowski"), crow symbolism, interventions and forced committals … Linda endures a host of incidents and characters that she can't understand, remember or place. With her sanity running thin, Linda tries to determine chronology and come to a realization of what day she is living and why by creating a calendar that aligns incidents with days of the week. After she discovers that Jim was having an affair, Linda begins to see husband's impending death as a punishment for future adultery and how that would impact the family. "If I let Jim die," she wonders, "is that the same thing as killing him?"

Eventually, with nowhere else to turn, Linda finds her way to church, where she relates her story to Father Kennedy (played by the dude who was Mike Novick in "24"), who tells her that her experiences aren't unusual throughout history, and are usually attributed as "dangers of the faithless." "Nature abhors a vacuum," he tells her, and these unexplained phenomenon are what fill the void. With this realization, and a joint one by Jim to not go through with his affair, a potential happy ending is set up, with a reconciliation featuring everything but singing angels taking place between Jim and Linda. But then …


Something slightly crazy and mostly predictable happens, and we cut back to the priest saying, "Every day we're alive can be a miracle." The ending is nicely filmed, with fitting music, and the slow-motion reveal at the end shows a very unexpected, surprise twist. At its worst, "Premonition" is hard to follow, repetitive, difficult to understand and analyze, and formulaic. On the bright side, however, this flick subtly morphs from a horror/thriller into a love story with a memorable ending; I consider this "bright" because it's interesting and unique, which is what passes for welcome these days in the world of cinema.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

999 Bottles Of Beer On The Dominoes …

I'm not sure about the opening, but I gotta give it up … pretty damn cool.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

"Man, You Can Ride My Tail, Anytime!"

Quentin Tarantino Taking on Top Gun - Click here for more free videos

The other day on one of my current favorite shoes, "30 Rock," a former high school boyfriend of Liz Lemon asks her, "Still think I'm gayer than the volleyball scene in 'Top Gun'?" The reference was lost on someone I know, but it immediately made me think of a tremendous scene from a movie I saw once that featured, of all people, Quentin Tarantino.

In the flick, titled "Sleep With Me" and filmed in 1994, Tarantino lays out the entire plot of "Top Gun," framing it as "one man's struggle with his own homosexuality." Calling it the best script written in Hollywood history due to its "subversion" and "subterfuge," Tarantino hilariously brings his theory full circle by examining the "gay fucking fighting force" and describing the memorable final exchange between Maverick and Iceman.

If you can watch the video without laughing your arse off, you're better than I am. And you probably never watched "Top Gun."

Monday, April 13, 2009

In Short (Story), "Just After Sunset" Highlights King In His Twilight

"But miracles do happen, it seems to me; each breath is another one. Reality is thin but not always dark. I didn't want to write about answers, I wanted to write about questions. And suggest that miracles may be a burden as well as a blessing. And maybe it's all bullshit."

As much as I love Stephen King's brilliant novels such as the incomparable "The Stand," the terrifying "It" and the epic series "The Dark Tower" -- among many others -- I've always been even more of a fan of his short stories. Having dabbled in the medium in the past, I know how brutally difficult it can be to sketch characters, build drama and create a plot that doesn't feel rushed, all within the constraints of the short-story format. Yet King has always been able to do it with a deft touch that makes it look frustratingly easy.

While serving as an editor of a book that discussed the best short stories of the year, King caught the short-story fever himself, and decided to develop his fifth collection of short stories with "Just After Sunset." Building on the setting he unveiled in "Duma Key," a couple of the tales are based in the Florida Keys, while a couple touch on religion and St. Christopher's medal. Among some of the other stories, "Harvey's Dream" ("Nothing must announce itself, it's Saturday morning and nothing must announce itself … It occurs to her that this is her punishment for dismissing life as thin. Life is actually like a Jethro Tull song, thick as a brick, how could she have ever thought otherwise?") is tremendous for being so short, "Mute" is perfectly crafted and memorable, and "A Very Tight Place" -- the last story, and very long -- is giggly-gross fun, and it highlights the first openly gay character that I can recall King writing about or examining. Displaying how far his writing has come and with a nod to the past, King also includes the scary "The Cat From Hell", which was written more than 30 years ago.

Some of the stories are informed by 9/11 and the tragic loss of life and destruction of the Twin Towers. The incredible "The Things They Left Behind" deals directly with 9/11 -- and was written just after that infamous day -- and "Graduation Afternoon," "Stationary Bike" and "The New York Times Special Bargain Rates" also use 9/11 as a foundation and backdrop. The terrific "N" ("He looks at me, pale and not smiling now, a man being pecked to pieces by invisible birds"), which first debuted in serial form online, was phenomenal in its treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder and the complex patient-psychiatrist relationship:

"Reality is a mystery … and the everyday texture of things is the cloth we draw over it to mask its brightness and darkness. I think we cover the faces of corpses for the same reason. We see the faces of the dead as a kind of gate. It's shut against us … but we know it won't always be shut. Someday it will swing open for each of us, and each of us will go through.
"But there are places where the cloth gets ragged and reality is thin. The face beneath peeps through … but not the face of a corpse. It would almost be better if it was."

Yet while "N" is regarded as the star of the book -- the "single," if you will -- I think "The Things They Left Behind" was the most powerful story in the collection. The prevalence of the 9/11 and Florida Keys themes were intriguing to me because I'm always drawn to where authors find their inspiration, put down their stakes and begin to explore.

After poring through "Just After Sunset," it's easy to say that -- paraphrasing Mark Twain -- rumors of Stephen King's demise (or retirement, which may amount to the same thing for someone like King) have been greatly exaggerated … and for that, I'm thankful.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXVIII: DUI The Hard Way, Plus Soccer Poots And Masters Time

Another jackass Ohioan acting the fool
Driving drunk on a motorized bar stool
Mouthed off to a cop on his Sit N' Spin
Asking, "Is drinking 15 beers really a sin?"
Only a Buckeye tool would think that was cool

It's high time for another memorable Masters
Including a few "Amen Corner" disasters
Wish it had a 900-yard par-three
I'll be pulling for the Pack's own T.C.
Anyone but Tiger and his adoring media bastards

Soccer's a game of dodging and darting
As well as lots of stopping and starting
When well-played, it's like ballet on the pitch
When bad, guys flop around like they're a little bitch
But I'd never heard of a yellow card for farting

Ben broke the rules by leaving and coming back
So prepare for the smoke monster's attack
Got choked by his daughter, Alex the Ghost
Then got thrashed by Desmond more than most
Now you have to listen to Locke, but definitely not Jack

College basketball is full of darkness and shade
Like hot dogs, you don't want to know how it's made
There's no question that Jim Calhoun is a pretentious douche
He's committed more violations than Nikes have the swoosh
When UConn and others are involved, someone's getting paid

Last time

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

"Vantage Point" Points Up The Power Of Perspective In Paralyzing Perceptions

The older you get, the more cynicism sets in, the more jaded you become, the more you realize how much in this life is dictated by perspective. The winds of change shift, opinions ebb and flow, and sentiment grows or diminishes, all largely based on the subjective way that individuals shaped by different experiences perceive the same emotions and circumstances. The movie "Vantage Point" capitalized on this truism by capturing how many sets of eyes can offer disparate points of view on how a single event can be judged.

Director Pete Travis uses Salamanca, Spain, as his stage, painting it as the backdrop for a terrorism summit that draws 150 world leaders. Aging stars Sigourney Weaver (as a frantic television producer) and Dennis Quaid (looking particularly ancient, beat-down and world-weary as a Secret Service agent haunted by a past assassination attempt) are supplemented by a surprise appearance by Jack from "Lost" — unfortunately, he did not bring Kate along.

Without giving too much away, basically the President is shot … or is he? And it was an Arab terrorist behind it all … or was it? And it's going to cause a war on Morocco … or is it? Five different flashbacks, each 23 minutes in length, provide differing views of the assassination, from five very distinct perspectives from five very different people driven by very different motives.

In one flashback, a sketchy-looking Spaniard refers to himself as a member of the mayor's security detail, then basically proves to be the Spanish Jack Bauer by trying to set a world record for number of times a person can get hit by a car and continue running. In another, Forest Whitaker (in pretty much a throwaway role for such an incredible actor) covers the shooting from his personal videocamera, and moments later, we're shown the point of view from the President (a holy-crap-is-he-still-around? William Hurt) himself.

The final flashback covers the last hour or so of the movie, somewhat predictably revealing an intricate plot that we had to wait a long time to begin the process of understanding. Marked by a memorable quote — "That's the beauty of American arrogance: They cannot imagine a world where they are not a step ahead" — the scheme unfolds in front of our very eyes, leading up to a memorable-yet-slightly-cheesy conclusion. Along the way, however, we're treated to an awesome little chase scene and we also learn that, sometimes, rifles can basically be controlled by iTouch from hundreds of yards away.

As with so many movies, the ending detracts from the overall power of the movie, but to be fair, this movie, using these techniques, was a difficult one to end. So some of the momentum is last at the end, but "Vantage Point" still accomplishes the task of being a very intriguing, different flick — which is an ever-so-rare and to-be-treasured commodity in Wholly Homogenized Hollywood.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Celebration Time On Brokeback Hill

The other day on the radio, one of the local sports hacks opined that, should UNC win the national championship, the Tar Heels will likely have a DUI to thank. He referenced the DUI accrued by point guard Toe Lawson, which allegedly caused him to withdraw his name from the NBA Draft and return to school, along with two other UNC players who were sliding down draft boards faster than Roseanne Barr on a Crisco slide. The domino effect led all players back to Chapel Hill, where they combined to take home the crown last evening. Hence, Lawson's decision to gin-and-juice it down Franklin Street in an attempt to imitate his idol Phil "Where did I wreck my" Ford led to happy man-love on Brokeback Hill.

The Heels certainly deserved to win, and essentially made a mockery of basically everyone they played. One could argue that they never got an opponent's best game and they were very lucky to avoid having to play any other No. 1 seed -- UConn, Louisville or Pitt -- but that's all moot now.

The only plus side I can see is that, next year, we'll hear much less about the "Travelin' Mouthbreather" Hansbrough and Lawson's big toe ... and that's what passes for consolation in Wolfpack Nation about now.

* Thanks to B-Deuce for passing the picture along. That Literace is one talented mofo.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Where Was I A Year Ago? Ireland Remembered ...

Another St. Patrick's Day has come and gone, and the tempered celebration at the Scooter household was tinged with a sense of nostalgia for Ireland, with memories of last year's trip to the Emerald Isle flooding back like a tilted pint o' Guinness. More than a few momentous things have happened over the course of that year, so forgive me some wistfulness …

A year ago today, we embarked on a life-changing (in many ways) journey. I'm going to relive that trip over the next week or so … mouse your arse here if you'd like to join me.

Erin go bragh

Friday, April 03, 2009

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXVII: Cutler Changes Chicago To "The City Of Big Arms" And Ashley Judd Gets A New Coach

Big news for every Chicago "Packers suck!" fan
They've grabbed their best QB since Sid Luckman
On the way is the big-armed, brash Jay Cutler
Memories turn to the '85 Bears and Kevin Butler
Gone are QB throws that made fans say, "What the f$%k, man?!"

But was he worth that crazy-high price?
For a guy who might have an egomaniacal vice?
Gotta hope he's not another Jeff George in disguise
Compare all KC had to give up for the Cassel prize
But for something to work out for the Bears would be nice

Ted Stevens was a good buddy of one Sarah Pailin
Thieving left and right while the economy was failin'
One of the most corrupt politicians alive
Kept on eye on Russia, then retired at the age of 85
Now he gets off scot-free; the Justice Department's bailin'

Sayid runs off after shooting the kid and decking Jin
Juliet and Kate are mad Jack won't save Linus again
Kate says to let a child die just ain't fair
She went back to the island to find Claire
It's off to the smoke monster temple for Richard and Ben

They thought "Dirty Sanchez" was actually his name
I guess only the ACC knows of Greivis's jackass fame
That dirtbag Vasquez ran his mouth one too many times
Memphis pounded the Terps like Greivis with Coronas and limes
Maryland got sent home and the ACC once again looked lame

Bought players for Memphis with the help of World Wide Wes
Then hammered Kentucky for $32 million -- not a penny less
Good luck to the Wildcats with the shady Calipari
He's slimier than an entire plate of raw calamari
Now all eyes are on him -- and on Ashley Judd in a sundress

Last time

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Oh, What An Untangled Web ABC Weaves ...

I had yet to look into "Lost: Untangled," so I spent a little time checking out this new offering from ABC.com. Turns out that it's pretty christing funny. Kinda like "Mysterious Science Theater 3000" meets "South Park" meets a bizarre sock puppet show meets "Lostpedia."

Anyway. So, yeah ... I can dig it.