Wednesday, December 29, 2010

CONS: Reasons Why Tony Sparano Should Lose His Job In Miami


To paraphrase “Animal House,” boring, losing and conservative is no way to go through life, son. And it has to suck to be Tony Sparano when you’re asked by your owner how in christ’s name you managed to lose to Cleveland, Buffalo and Detroit AT HOME in December. Yet that’s the position he finds himself in these days, with one game left in a season that might be break-even at best.

Yesterday, I took a look at some of the reasons why Sparano could keep his job. In the interest of being fair and balanced (#FeauxNewsjoke), today I offer up just as many reasons why he’ll find himself watching “Sparanos” reruns this offseason instead of game film.

His support is gone. Let’s face it: Sparano was a relative nobody who was hand-picked by a fraud in Bill Parcells. Who is left to have his back, really?

He’s with a franchise where learning on the job isn’t acceptable. Sparano had never even been a coordinator on the NFL level when he was tabbed for the Dolphins job. A lot went very right in his first season, but ever since, Miami’s been run of the mill and he hasn’t established a strong identity as a coach. At what point do you realize that you’re simply hoping that he becomes a good coach and then realize that, as many sales bibles repeat, hope isn’t a strategy?

His specialty has become a weak link. An offensive line coach by trade, Sparano encouraged the Dolphins to spend tons of resources up front. Yet outside of the tackles -- Jake Long and Vernon Carey -- the team has been dominated on the interior, leading to an inability to protect the passer and establish a ground game. Considering the amount of money and the number of draft picks invested along the offensive line, this should at least be the strongest unit on the team, if not in the league. Instead, it’s a borderline disaster, which might be one of the biggest disappointments of the Sparano tenure.

He’s too conservative. Michael Lombardi of NFL Network called Miami a “field goal offense,” and that is as apt a description as I’ve heard. The Dolphins have pissed away a number of games that they dominated throughout simply due to the fact that they play for field goals, leaving themselves no room for error. If that approach is due to personnel, that’s no excuse -- it is his personnel. And I would say that seemingly being willing to allow Chad Henne to drag him onto the unemployment line with him fits under this category as well.

He’s too reliant on Cowboy castoffs. Yes, both Bill Parcells and general manager Jeff Ireland came from Dallas along with Sparano, but Sparano is the guy who signs off on personnel moves. Way too often, this group has targeted rejects from Dallas, and when those guys lose jobs to Cowboys players that brutally underachieved this year, that tells you everything. Unfortunately, this brings back memories of Prick Saban drafting only SEC players or kids he recruited once upon a time, one of the many reasons for his cowardly departure.

He’s a horribly bad fit for the new ownership. Steve Ross announced his arrival at Dolphins headquarters by courting every Latino pop star and C-list celeb who would answer his calls. He’s Little Havana’s answer to Jerry Jones, more interested in the glitz, glam and pub than football. So, needless to say, an owner looking to turn Miami football into an event (like Heat basketball) isn’t going to fall in love with a coach who looks more like a sanitation worker in clothes that don’t fit and loves to play for field position and 13-9 victories. The bottom line is Ross wants to fill seats, and Sparano’s style simply isn’t going to make that an achievable priority.

His tenuous status is already working against him. With all the hubbub about when, not if, he’ll be shit-canned, Sparano finds himself in an exceedingly difficult position: Who is going to want to join the staff of a potentially dead-man-walking coach when offensive coordinator Dan Henning retires after this season? Better yet, what top candidate will want to come when they may -- legitimately -- feel they have a better resume for the head coaching job than the current coach does?

He’s done little to justify passing up sure-thing candidates. The presence of proven commodities like Bill Cowher and Jon Gruden sitting in announcing booths thinking about which job they’d like best hurts young, unproven coaches like Sparano more than most. You have to think some franchise is going to be willing to be a year early in giving up on a coach so as not to miss out on guys like Cowher and Gruden, who likely won’t be around if you need to let Sparano go next year. And to be brutally honest, Sparano simply hasn’t given any reasons to believe a Dolphins team under his leadership would be better in 2011 than one led by someone like Cowher or Gruden.

He’s got a moustache. I like Sparano, I do; but the motorcycle-cop look is pretty hard to take seriously on an NFL sideline. And to be perfectly honest, Miami has already failed in a really, really big way with a mustachioed coach in Dave Wannstedt. The bottom line is Sparano should have shaved the ‘stache the day he got the job.

So there you have it: Nine reasons Sparano will lose his job vs. nine reasons he’ll keep it. We’ll find out in a matter of days which argument wins out in the end.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

PROS: Reasons Why Tony Sparano Should Keep His Job In Miami


On the heels of wrapping up a 1-7 home record and in danger of a second consecutive losing season headed into the finale Sunday, Tony Sparano is in more danger than (#mandatorysopranosjokefollows) “Big Pussy” was after being discovered as a rat. Everyone from Bill Cowher to Jon Gruden to Brian Billick has been discussed as a potential successor, but in this immediate-news world, folks are picking over Sparano’s bones way too early. So I offer up a “Pros” list for why Miami might retain Sparano.

He’s fiery and no-nonsense. Yes, his fist pumps for field goals are becoming the butts of jokes, but that’s what happens when you’re losing. He’s emotional, and I think that’s a good thing for a franchise and a fanbase that has had to fabricate energy over the past dozen years or more.

He’s offensive-minded. OK, fill in your own jokes here, because Miami has been admittedly moribund (yep, I like that word) this year. But for too long, the Dolphins have relied on defensive-minded coaches and philosophies, and if the team could just find a quarterback it trusts, it would be refreshing to have a guy who understands and respects that side of the ball.

He’s proven himself willing to make moves on his staff. Jettisoning Paul Pasqualoni and replacing him with Mike Nolan as defensive coordinator was one of the only bright spots of the 2010 campaign. He changed out special teams coaches midseason when the third phase cost Miami a couple of early games. Of course, the pessimist could argue that he’s putting the wrong guys in place to begin with, but I respect a coach who recognizes a problem and is willing to rectify it.

He deserves a season outside of Parcells’s shadow. He and general manager Jeff Ireland were initially labeled the “Tuna Helpers,” seen only as sycophantic “yes” men for Bill Parcells. With Parcells slinking out of town a failure, quitting on the team he was trying to create, it could be argued that Sparano and Ireland have earned the right to have an offseason and regular season without the Tuna around. This is also another way of saying that it’s too soon, that three years isn’t long enough to determine his worth as a coach despite the troubling trending in the win-loss column.

He treats the fans and media with respect. This is a small thing, seemingly and admittedly, but I spend a lot of money and time following this team. There have been way too many douchebags coaching the Dolphins since Shula left, so I can appreciate the way Sparano interacts with the local scribes, although that relationship has been strained as the losses have mounted. So even though this doesn’t impact the bottom line of wins and losses, I’m still including it because it is important to me to have a coach that I can respect as a person.

His players respect him. This is another welcome change, considering that I got the sense that the players lost respect for Jimmy Johnson (quitter), Nick Saban (insufferable douche) and Cam Cameron (in over his head) in recent years. Sparano has demanded and would have appeared to have earned the respect of his players, and I think that deserves a check mark in his favor.

He wears his sunglasses at night. ‘Nuff said.

He loses weight the right way. Hear that, “Lapband Larry” up there in New York?

He doesn’t broadcast a foot fetish. OK, so this is just another F you to Rex Ryan. I've earned that.

So there you have it: nine iffy reasons that Tony Sparano could earn another year as the head of the Dolphins. Stay tuned for the, um, other side of the argument.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Festivus Is Who We Are


So my company holds a cubicle-decorating contest every year. This year, I won in the category of Best Theme. My theme, obviously, was Festivus. Another Festivus miracle.

Happy Festivus to you and yours ...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 36


#1
The alphabet according to Star Wars? “A is for Ackbar”? Sign me the F up. Very cool and clever.

#2
In the time before he became a quarterback-butt-licking announcer, Ron Jaworski could sling it a bit himself, earning the nickname “The Polish Rifle” during his days with the Philadelphia Iggles. Along those lines, hugely bearded Buffalo signal-caller Ryan Fitzpatrick has gained the moniker, “The Amish Rifle.” Tremendous.

#3
Ever seen an incredible underwater sculpture? This is certainly one of those situations where the picture speaks for itself. Wow.

#4
Dear Sidney Lowe,
Consider this your official warning that any seat you sit on over the next four months will be hot to the touch.
Love and holiday cheer,
Debbie Yow

#5
Say, Donovan McNabb? In the wake of losing your job to Rex Grossman, even Butt Favre thinks it’s high time you called it quits.

#6
Twice in the last couple of weeks, coworkers have claimed that they didn’t complete a project because they didn’t save their work and “lost” it. Um, didn’t that excuse lose any relevancy like a decade ago? How could anyone possibly not save their work in this day and age? Is that the equivalent of “My dog ate my homework” these days?

#7
I keep hearing Rams coach Steve Spagnuolo getting touted for NFL Coach of the Year honors. Yes, he’s had quite a turnaround there in St. Louis, but has there ever been a Coach of the Year who finished the season with a losing record?!
As opposed to the ACC, where they like to shit-can their coaches of the year, then get them cast on “Biggest Loser.”

#8
So Justin Timberlake is unveiling a line of biker gear-themed clothing exclusively for Target. Because that’s where most of the “Sons of Anarchy” and “Hell’s Angels” do their road-wear shopping. Jeezus, can someone just end this jackass already?

#9
A week and a half after undergoing an emergency appendectomy, Matt Cassel started at quarterback for Kansas City and endured a number of tremendous shots without flinching. Matt Cassel is tough.

#10
Another pet peeve: People who use the phrase, “I kid you not.” Really? And is there a reason you decided to turn into fucking Yoda for no reason whatsoever?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

"Rudolph" Meets The Police



The animated "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was one of my childhood favorites -- hell, who am I kidding, it still is. But despite the dozens of times I've seen it, I never caught on to the fact that Burl Ives can straight pick it on the banjo!

Happy holidays ...

Monday, December 20, 2010

Better Anti-Theft Deterrents




Take note, ADT.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: Scarlett Needs Consoling, Plus Jets Douchebag Wiseguy Should Be Shitcanned


Her marriage ends in two years
A good run for celebrity peers
To dear Scarlett I say
Don’t trust Canadians … eh?
I’m happy to wipe away those tears

SMU cheated every way under the sun
But you know, at least they won
Are they listening in Chapel Hill today?
Or rearranging the Carolina Way?
Craig James was a douche, then he raised a douche son

Julian Assange is free on bail
His arrest was an epic fail
They’ve created a monster in WikiLeaks
Behind the curtains, we’re getting secret peeks
Hackers now united to keep him outta jail

Snow has come Raleigh way
But slushy, so no fun to play
Folks flock to the Teeter for milk
Rough driving for ‘necks and their ilk
Just say inside, that’s what I say

The Jets add cheating to the mix
Trip other players for kicks
While ESPN applauds
They’re exposed as frauds
Send their lapband-wearing coach to the sticks

Last time

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Despite Disappointing Finish, The Scooters Rewarded For Surprising Campaign


And just like that, they were gone.

The Scooters were hammered in the playoff semifinals, putting up almost nada beyond Pierre Garcon’s 22-point outburst. In a sickening series of misfortunes, the Saints’ Chris Ivory got injured in the second quarter after quickly piling up 47 yards (five points kick in at 50, then a point for every 10 yards after that) and the Chiefs’ Jamaal Charles was sunk by an emergency appendectomy to normal quarterback Matt Cassell, ending up with just 40 yards. The Broncos’ Kyle Orton put up a stellar MINUS 8 points, while the 49ers’ Michael Crabtree contributed a yard—yep, a single yard (that’s hard to do). Completing the Denver debacle, the Broncos put up exactly three points even though they were facing a horrific Arizona team playing a rookie free agent signal-caller.

Suffice it to say that the entire team imploded on the same day; it was just one of those matchups. Yet it can’t completely take the luster off a gutty season that saw an 8-5-1 record, a 7-2 division mark and a Central Division championship -- all despite losing seven starters for multiple games due to injury during the course of the campaign. Wow (luckily, I had a strong draft). So while I’m reduced to wondering what might have been possible with a fully stocked and healthy lineup, I’m still proud of the fellas.

Which means it’s annual (well, at least 2009 and 2007 as well) awards time. Giddyup.

The Annual Clemson Fast Start, Late Implosion Award: Eddie Royal, WR, Denver
Taking a flyer on Royal in the 10th round looked like a helluva move after he tallied 39 points in the first four weeks of the season. Orton was looking his way an awful lot and seemed to be a security blanket of sorts for the quarterback. Little could anyone have known that Royal would go on to score more than two points in only one other week the rest of the way.

Jim Kelly Annual Choker of the Year: Kyle Orton, QB, Denver
Last year’s Comeback Player of the Year is this year’s Choker of the Year; my, how quickly things change in fantasy football. Granted, Orton’s 42 points helped me earn a playoff berth in the regular-season finale, but he followed that up with a combined -10 points (-2 in the first round, -8 in the semifinals) in my playoff run. His disappearance was one of a few in the semis, but it was impossible to overcome at a position where you need around 20 points a week just to remain competitive.


Braylon Edwards Bustout Player of the Year: Kenny Britt, WR, Tennessee
Despite getting in bar fights, being criticized for immaturity from all sides and essentially acting like a bitch a lot, Britt was phenomenal once he got going this season. He racked up five straight games with a touchdown, capped by a 225-yard, three-score outburst before going down with a hamstring injury for a crucial six-week stretch. Which leads us to …

Bo Jackson “What Might Have Been” Award: Britt/Kevin Kolb, QB, Philadelphia
There is no telling the type of numbers Britt might have put up had he not torn his hammy—it is scary what he was doing up until that time. On the other hand, Kolb had the misfortune of getting concussed in the second quarter of the season, and even though he reappeared briefly after Michael Vick got hurt, he quietly disappeared yet again as Vick put up huge numbers. Had Kolb stayed healthy and put up the numbers that I—and most observers—expected, my team would have been almost insanely stacked: Kolb, Frank Gore, Jamaal Charles, Megatron, Britt, Pierre Garcon … wow. Yet because of the rotten Kolb luck, I had to deal Megatron for Orton and Michael Crabtree, which ended up getting me to the playoffs, but still, it is frightening to think of how loaded the Scooters might have been had the injury gods shone on us.

Darrell Jackson Honorary Clutch Player of the Year: Pierre Garcon, WR, Indianapolis
Garcon was a mystery most of the season, but his 22-point outing on the Thursday of my playoff semifinals matchup launched me into the weekend on a high note. Unfortunately, he was the only one of the Scooters who showed up for the ultra-important elimination game, but he was huge when it counted.

Mike Tyson Memorial Manic-Depressive Player of the Year: Orton/Michael Crabtree, WR, San Francisco
After a five-week start to the season that saw him post fewer than 30 points just once, Orton got on the rollercoaster just after I traded for him (not uncoincidentally). The next stretch went 14, 12, 24, bye, 44, 11, 42, -2, -8.
Similarly, Crabtree almost incomprehensibly had SEVEN weeks this year where he had exactly zero points—including the last two, which happened to coincide with my playoff games. Basically, this douche was going to get you 13 points or none, and you just could never tell.

Honorary John Avery Bust/Bitch of the Year: Marion Barber, RB, Dallas
It wasn’t all his fault, but Barber was an unmitigated disaster this season. The staff couldn’t seem to make up their minds when and if they wanted to use him, played favorites with Felix Jones and then relegated him to spot duty before he got hurt. Maybe I should have seen the writing on the wall, but then again, there’s a reason why Wade Phillips got shit-canned during the season.

Most Consistent Player, Sponsored By IRS: Frank Gore, RB, San Francisco
Sure, he got injured at the worst possible time for me, essentially ending my championship dreams, but Gore was a dynamo and a workhorse on a really bad team all season long. He was good for double-digit scoring essentially every week, and though he didn’t score as many touchdowns as one would like, he was a yardage machine all year long.


Curtis Enis Huge Disappointment Award: Vikings, D/ST, Minnesota
When the Minnesota defense/special teams was on the board in the seventh round and other Ds were already going off the board, I thought I landed a coup in the Vikings. Yet injury after injury devastated Minnesota’s back seven (and some migraines for Percy Harvin), turning them into an enormous fantasy liability. A couple of respectable late-season showings were timely, but overall, they degenerated into an unplayable defense at key stretches of the season.

Dan Marino Annual Best Draft Pick: Britt
I actually had a couple of good choices here, which is always a good problem to have for your team. I’m going with Britt because he went in the 11th round as my fourth wideout, and even with his inopportune injury, emerged as one of the more dynamic receivers in the NFL when he was healthy.

Honorary Ryan Leaf Worst Draft Pick: Kolb/Barber
Again, there were extenuating circumstances in both of these situations, but the harsh reality is that this dud duo represented my fourth- and fifth-round picks. I overcame both crappy selections with some nice later-round pickups, but the whole what-might-have-been question raises its ugly head with these guys.

Jim Jensen Unsung Player: Zach Miller, TE, Oakland
He was simply not the same after he suffered a foot injury he tried to play with for weeks, but he had a tremendous five-game stretch early in the campaign that saw him put up 65 points—stellar for a tight end. He totaled exactly six points the rest of the way (ouch), but he joins a long line of Scooters players who were in the midst of stellar seasons until injury waylaid them.

Eugene Robinson Solicitation’s Lesson Learned Player: Reggie Bush, RB, New Orleans
I loved the selection of Bush in the eighth round as my fourth running back as a hedge against Barber. Based on receiving yardage alone, he was worth the pick, and considering how hard he ran at the end of the Super Bowl championship year, I figured he’d get more of an opportunity in traditional sets in 2010. Unfortunately, any and all plans for Bush were ended when he broke his leg in Week 2. All in all, 2010 is not going to be a great year for Bush to look back on—on any level.

Jamaal Charles Waiver Wire Pickup of the Year: Chris Ivory, RB, New Orleans
I snuck Ivory off the waiver wire late in the regular season without any other owner claiming him, which is incredible in our league. He responded with four touchdowns in two weeks for the Scooters, giving my squad a vital boost at a crucial time. Unfortunately, he got hurt after getting off to a great start in the semifinals, yet another Scooters performer to fall victim to the injury curse at the worst possible moment.
Ivory’s ascension was huge at a most important time, which narrowly edged him out over Miami kicker Dan Carpenter. With 10 field goals in a two-week span, Carpenter was a fantasy beast for most of the season, and since his acquisition coincided with the loss of San Diego’s Nate Kaeding due to injury, his was a vital pickup for the Scooters.


Brian Urlacher Team MVP: Jamaal Charles, RB, Kansas City
I scooped Charles off waivers late last year (hence the name of the award above), then made him my third-rounder this year. Despite some rather mind-numbing delegation of carries with Thomas Jones (especially early in the season), Charles was nothing short of beastly all year long. He ripped off yardage on the ground and through the air every week, despite a head-scratching lack of touchdowns. Of course, like the rest of the team, he went into the Scooters’ Bermuda Triangle in the semifinals, but that can’t take the luster off what was a tremendous season for Charles.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A Sequel To "Bad Santa"?



I have no idea how he bounced back so quickly after head-butting the christ out of a bumper like that.

Pure epicness.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Bipartisanship In The Modern Age ...

You'll laugh.


You'll cry.


But will you vote?

Monday, December 13, 2010

“Happiest Toddler” Riffs On Cave-Kids, Body Language, Food Disguising … And Boobs


“Where did your baby go? One day you’re cradling a tiny newborn in your arms, all of parenthood stretched out in front of you. Then before you know it, you’ve living with an all-new creature—cuter than ever, but suddenly opinionated, stubborn, and lightning fast. Welcome to toddlerhood!”

“You’ll be most successful if you keep in mind this one key fact: Toddlers act less like little schoolkids than they do like uncivilized little … cavemen.”


Just as Ube was turning our lives upside down, I made myself read Dr. Harvey Karp’s “The Happiest Infant on the Block,” which had come highly recommended. It turned out to be an essential tome, full of some vital tips and tricks without which I have been reduced to rocking in the corner, muttering gibberish and shotgunning Jim Beam. “The Fetus Whisperer,” as I dubbed him, led us to the 5 S’s, which played a big role in helping us to survive the first few months.

Well, with Ube rapidly racing toward and into toddlerhood, I figured I’d go back to the well and check out Karp’s “The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year-Old.” The book introduced intriguing concepts such as the Fast Food Rule, Toddler-ese, you-I messages, the side door of the mind, time-ins, hand-checks and patience-stretching. I could see eventually employing most of them as time goes on -- though it’s going to take a lot for me to embrace the creepy-odd clap-growl tactic.

Despite the use of the word “boob” seeming to appear perhaps more than one would expect for a book about toddlers and a questionable reference to “tossing the salad,” the book was a quick and easy read, and I found it to be quite useful. What resonated with me most were an apropos characterization of your child as a mini-cave person and the idea of acting as an ambassador.

“The truth is we don’t live in a black-and-white world. Sometimes you’ll act like your child’s buddy and sometimes her boss, but the best way to understand your job is to think of yourself as an ambassador … an ambassador from the 21st century to the ‘uncivilized’ little munchkin living in your home.”

“Happiest Toddler” also offered up maybe the most compelling anti-spanking argument I’ve read. Additionally, the importance of nonverbal cues are completely overlooked in most circles, so I found some of Karp’s assertions on that front pretty amazing (“Your toddler’s right brain has one absolutely spectacular ability that will become one of your best tools for connecting with her and civilizing and calming her, too: the capacity to respond to ‘nonverbal’ communication.”)

The book also partly served as a motivational, up-with-parents work, outlining four fitting and honest struggles that all parents face: lack of help/guidance, feelings of failure, your toddler’s ability to push your buttons and clashing temperaments. I was also interested to read the theory that toddler behavior can also spark distant memories of painful past experiences, leading to overreactions and unexpected emotions. That’s why it was good to read the bit about how that should be balanced by a recognition that toddlers are only doing what they are programmed to do, so why fight it so much?

“Toddlers literally can’t stop themselves from exploring, touching, and pulling on everything. That’s how they learn about the world and about themselves. So while you may feel that your little friend keeps defying you, she may feel you’re unfairly blocking her greatest joy -- discovery.”

Anyway, I found myself frantically jotting down notes as I pored over the text. I’m not naïve enough to be able to convince myself that the majority of these tactics will work with a rather independent-minded Ube, but it’ll certainly be good to know they’re there just as I’m getting ready to pull a Rain Man with a bottle of Beam.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVII: Imagine 30 Years Have Passed, Plus A Chicago Icon Passes


30 years later made some cry
As they pondered above, only sky
You gave peace a chance
Gave joy through song and dance
Imagine if John Lennon didn’t die?

Another program ruined by a mad dash
As he makes off with a pile o’ cash
Pitt fans shake their heads for miles
Bears and ‘Fins fans have knowing smiles
He struck again and left -- that’s the ‘Stache

The playoffs are well underway
The Scooters still alive for today
Playing with heart and a little luck
Despite injuries and players not worth a f&^k
Orton, need more than -2, m’kay?

Losses, crimes he wasn’t curbin’
So he quit for family time and bourbon
The hypocrite had a moment of zen
And left the Gators once again
This time don’t come back, Urban

Almost a Cubs mascot, like a beloved puppy
Hilarious, opinionated and chubby
Moaned and groaned in press box
Cheered against the White Sox
Farewell, Ron Santo -- an all-time favorite Cubby

Last time

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

That's One H-Eel Of A Christmas Tree ...



How about a Christmas tree that lights up courtesy of an electric eel? Yup, that happened. Kinda cool.

And I'm not sure why, but I found the reference by the Japanese dude to an "unimaginably large Christmas tree" pretty amusing.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

The Scooters Take The Next Step


Powered by the consistency of Jamaal Charles, the outburst of Chris Ivory and the return to form of the Vikings defense, the Scooters withstood a Monday night game in which my opponent had four Jets players to advance to the semifinals of the WFFL playoffs. Suffice it to say that the 45-3 thumping of the J-E-T-S by the Patsies worked out well for the Scooters.

I won 92-68 over my opponent, who I beat in back-to-back weeks -- with survival on the line -- and an unheard-of three times this season. That is with -2 points from Kyle Orton, mind you, to go with another no-show from Reggie Bush, a three-quarter disappearing act by Michael Crabtree and just half a game from Pierre Garcon. I also had Dan Carpenter on the bench when he crushed a 60-year field goal, which is good for a tidy 14 points in my league.

The Scooters advanced to 8-4-1 on the season thanks to the win. As the Central Division champion, I’ve locked down the No. 2 seed in the playoffs, but a difficult rematch with the commish looms. I have some tougher lineup decisions looming, including the potential return of Kenny Britt, the probable benching of Bush and the question of what happens with Orton now that Josh McDaniel is out on his arse.

For now, though, I’m giving myself a 24-hour window to enjoy this victory before moving on to the next task. The Scooters have clutched the F up in recent weeks, so we’ll see whether we turn out to be a team of destiny … or a team of density.

Monday, December 06, 2010

A Long Time Ago, In A Classroom Far, Far Away


Young man, in about 15 years you will thank your parents for ensuring that you will always be the coolest kid in school.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVI: Saying Goodbye To Leslie Nielsen, Plus The Office Is Wuphfing It Up


He made us chuckle in “Airplane”
Glad Leslie Nielsen’s no longer in pain
In “Naked Gun,” a bumbling fool
But he made idiocy cool
You’ll live on in laughter again and again

Spygate 2 … surely you jest?
Josh McDaniel, a joke out west
Still his team is no-goody
By working for the Hoody
He learned cheating from the best

The NCAA gave up on being fair
Turned their backs on amateurism on a dare
Gave Cam Newton a free pass
Chose money over morality and class
A shame and a crime for those who care

The Scooters have been written off before
Have now lost Frank Gore and more
In the playoffs, given no chance
But I believe, despite my rants
So will this team go down in lore?

Cornered the market on being clever
“The Office” in their final-season endeavor
As Michael Scott is ready to head
(That’s what she said)
They’ve been funnier than ever

Last time

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 35


#1
Cam Newton cheats and gets a pass because his team is going to play for a national championship. Butch Davis cheats and gets a pass because his school is in the midst of a multi-, multimillion dollar construction project for a new football building.
Can we just go ahead and call this semipro football and end the charade now?

#2
Here’s a stunning Star Wars-themed print. Just a tremendous Gothic, dramatic rendering of the infamous cantina fight.

#3
And the myth of the Bill Parcells “genius” continues to be perpetuated by the NFL Network and ESPN. Anyone can get really bad teams back to respectability by taking advantage of high picks and the advantages of weaker schedules. But Parcells hasn’t proven he can see it through. He’s also proven that he gets bored and defensive when things don’t go exactly as planned, and he jets at the first sign of criticism or stagnation. The better question isn’t whether he is a genius, it’s whether he still understands the modern player and league.

#4
This 80-gigapixel panorama of London took like three days to shoot and many more to put together. Pretty awesome.

#5
The Eagles disembowelment of the Redskins in a Monday night game was admittedly something to behold. Yet I give you this quote from receiver DeSean Jackson about the team’s reaction to a pregame altercation: “We were like pit bulls, ready to get out of the cage.”
Seriously? Pit bulls? And you catch balls from Ron Mexico? Fuck off, douche.

#6
Alabama fired its PA announcer for playing “Son of a Preacher Man” and “Take the Money and Run” during pregame warmups for the Iron Bowl against Auburn, directed (obviously) toward Tigers quarterback and incessant cheater Cam Newton. The guy got shitcanned for that?! Hell, he should get a raise, because that’s hysterical!

#7
Warren Sapp has dubbed New York Giants tailback Brandon Jacobs “The Tiptoe Burglar.” That is goddam genius.

#8
I walked past legendary Sports Illustrated writer Curry Kirkpatrick on the concourse at the State-UNC game. He looks kind of like Yoda now.

#9
So Buffalo wideout Steve Johnson dropped a game-winning touchdown against Pittsburgh, then subsequently Tweeted this (in ALL CAPS in case Jeezus doesn’t check his Twitter feed all that often): (sic) “@StevieJohnson13: I PRAISE YOU 24/7! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS? HOW?! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS! EVER! THX THO”
I seriously don’t have anything to add to that.

#10
On “Big Bang Theory,” Leonard called Sheldon a “yammering sphincter.” Yup, I now have another band name to add to my ever-growing list.