Friday, August 29, 2008

Limerick Friday LXXXX: Gustav And Ocho Cinco Are Hot-Air Twins

Three years since Katrina turned New Orleans into a lake
And left destroyed lives and dreams in its wake
Now Gustav is on a dangerous path
Hope it doesn’t give the area another bath
It's about time that the Crescent City got a freaking break

Some work for an Olympic medal all their life
Others randomly give away golds to a casino owner's wife
Three weeks at the Wynn, treated like a king
In return for some international bling
And people wonder why the NBA is filled with thugs and strife

Authorities foil an Obama assassination plot
Now off to prison four deadbeats go to rot
Amped on crystal meth and sniffing hair dye
They grabbed rifles and headed to Denver's Mile High
A country's in great shape when change can get someone shot

A blogger arrested for illegally releasing a G 'N' R song
Guess he thought people cared anymore, which is wrong
One day, the dude has to explain to his grandkids why he paid a $10K bail
While the ironically titled "Chinese Democracy" is destined to fail
No one knows who Guns 'N' Roses is anymore, the album has taken so long

Makes strange comments and comes off as quite vain
Chad Johnson is starting to make Mike Tyson look sane
Now he's taken his act to the courts, oh no
And legally changed his name to Ocho Cinco
I guess Pac Man and He Hate Me were taken, what a pain

Last time

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I've Never Seen Tom O'Brien and Charlie Brown In The Same Place At The Same Time

"I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell."—Harry S. Truman

NC State football is undergoing a sea change right now. Former Marine Tommy O'Irish is laying down the law, and if you ain't on board, you're swimming your arse to Elon for the rest of your career.

Unfortunately, the attrition involving transfers and a suspension or two has come at the same time that the Pack has been hammered by injuries, which has become an annual occurrence. Jamelle Eugene, Toney Baker, Clem Johnson, Javon Walker and Donald Bowens, just to name a few. None of the above will be playing tonight when the Wolfpack kicks off the college football season at South Carolina. So, to sum up:

Best running back—out.
Best wide receiver—out.
Best offensive lineman—out.
Best safety—out.
Freshman quarterback—in.
90,000 hostile 'necks—in.

NC State's chances—in or out?

We'll find out tonight.

Go Pack.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

"The Mist" Saved From Mediocrity By Defining Final Scene

I read the Stephen King novella "The Mist" probably 17 or 18 years ago. After being introduced to King's work, I found a beat-up, dog-eared copy of "Skeleton Key" at a garage sale somewhere, and I remember being blown away that King could blend so many emotions into a single plot, in the Maine equivalent of a Piggly Wiggly.

Yes, "The Mist" primarily takes place in a grocery store. Published in 1980, it represents a perfect example of King's early period, when he was still finding his way as a writer, experimenting with moving outside the bonds and restrictions of the horror genre.

King once described "The Mist" as a prison story, perhaps the precursor to "Shawshank Redemption." As such, it was ideally suited for writer/director Frank Darabont, who had adapted and directed two other King prison-type stories, "Shawshank Redemption" and "Green Mile," for the big screen. You could tell Darabont jumped into this tale of an army experiment gone horribly wrong, and his respect and near-reverence for King is apparent throughout this film.

As to the cast, Tobie Jones was perfect as Ollie Weeks, assistant manager of the supermarket. Thomas Jane was passable as David Drayton, an artist (there was a great nod to the "Dark Tower" and the gunslinger at the beginning, in a painting that Drayton was working on) who takes his son and a neighbor (an overly authoritative Andre Braugher) to the supermarket to load up on supplies in the wake of a destructive storm. But the in-location aspect of the film was carried by Marcia Gay Harden, who was tremendous as Mrs. Carmody, a Puritanically religious freakshow who eventually begins to win over the other captive shoppers with her end-of-days speeches. By the end of the movie, Mrs. Carmody's power within the grocery store reminded me of many elements of "Lord of the Flies." Jeffrey DeMunn and William Sadler stood out as other members of the party who were initially trying to escape the market.

Any discussion of "The Mist" doesn't have any resonance until the ending is mentioned. The novella itself had no real ending, King admits, instead leaving the ultimate fate of a band of survivors up in the air. Darabont came up with a more fitting ending, one he grew so attached to that he turned it into a dealbreaker when he was shopping the film. Give me no money and no time, and that's fine, he said; but try to change the conclusion, and I'm taking this flick elsewhere. In fact, he began developing "The Mist" initially for Paramount Pictures, adapting the novella for the screen; however, it eventually ended up at Dimension Films. That's why the movie was shot in just 37 days in Shreveport, Louisiana—but the ending remained the same.

Was Darabont's stand on the untouchable ending worth it? While it did represent a much darker conclusion than King had initially written, the answer is yes. King signed off on the adaptation, and when I first saw the movie, I was struck by the feeling that the ending was vaguely reminiscent of "Planet of the Apes." The scene gave Jane a vehicle to go outside himself somewhat as an actor, displaying a raw, guttural emotion that borders on the disturbing. As a ho-hum, average actor, this was an opportunity for him to find another side to his character, and he answered the bell.

The beautiful, haunting music ("The Host of Seraphim," by Dead Can Dance) complemented the conclusion perfectly, imbuing it with an overriding feeling of loss and tragedy. The profound final scene singlehandedly turned this film into a movie instead of just a horror flick, marking "The Mist" with a sense of arrival and significance that had been missing throughout.

Monday, August 25, 2008

It Knocks Your Cold Out — While You're Out Cold

HiberNol (from the makers of ComaDose — "month after month after month, nature works its healing magic") is one of my favorite all-time SNL commercial parodies. And somehow fitting for an already-frustrating Monday …

Friday, August 22, 2008

Limerick Friday LXXXIX: Chinese Girrs To Rittre for Orympics?

Shady gymnastic scores at the Olympic games
Nastia Luken's dad calls a judge nasty names
Now the IOC is investigating the Chinese brats
Saying they're under the age limit for the mats
Listening to Hannah Montana before vaulting supports these claims

Obama tackling the task of picking a VP
Conventions are around the corner, you see
Tricky business, naming a vice prez
But he's down to a short list, he says
Don't bother waiting for that 3 a.m. call, Hillary

How you do know it's time for football?
When State players start to get injured and fall
A receiver with a freaking fractured spine?
A broken jaw sends a safety to the sideline?
Methinks Chuck Amato has a Tom O'Brien voodoo doll

It turns out that the found Bigfoot was another hoax
Who knew that park rangers had such funny jokes
Got an ape costume that was once used on "Blossom"
Then filled it with roadkill of a freaking 'possum
But that means Julius Peppers is still out there somewhere, folks

Russian continues to occupy Georgia
(No, W, not the one that's near Florida)
Promised to withdraw a while ago
Changed their minds like Ivan Drago
I miss Boris Yeltsin, always drunk on vodka

Last time

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Short Round Done Got Jacked Up

This one is reminiscent of the scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" where the guy flashily brandishes the sword for like 30 seconds, then Indy just shoots him with a bored expression. I'm not totally positive that this is real, but it is pretty funny either way.

"Sweep the leg, Johnny!"

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Reason #2,609 Why Bill O'Reilly Is A Piece Of Shite

I really don't have anything to add here. Carry on.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

"X-Files: I Want To Believe" Turns Into "X-Files: I Want To Understand"

After heading into the theater with high hopes, seeing "X-Files: I Want to Believe" was a somewhat confusing experience for me. Technically, the movie itself was very well-made; however, on a deeper level, the entire point of the film was hard for me to ascertain.

This flick was not at all what I was expecting. There were no instances of paranormal activity and nothing along the extraterrestrial or abduction lines, either. There were a few references to Agent Fox Mulder's sister being abducted and a passing mention of William, the supernatural son born to Mulder and Agent Dana Scully, but these seemed to be tossed out as bones to intrepid X-Files junkies who would have hunted down creator Chris Carter if some aspect of the television series wasn't touched upon in the film. On a side note, it was a little difficult to believe Amanda Peet in the lead investigator role, but that's just a casting decision that was balanced out by Billy Connolly, who was terrific as Father Joseph Crissman.

With a 10-year span between the release of this movie and the first one, and a six-year stretch between this film and the end of the TV series (although counting the years with the guy from "Terminator 2" and Annabeth Gish is questionable at best), I guess my perception was that some of the over-arching storylines that were left off would be revisited. Though it was a strong flick, it felt more like a really long episode of "Bones" or "CSI"; it didn't have a feature-film feel to it. I, for one, kept expecting to see a plume of smoke that introduced Cigarette Smoking Man to the proceedings or a dim light in a warehouse indicating the presence of the Lone Gunmen.

In a sense, my feeling is, why make a movie about this show after a decade if you're not going to stay true to what made the series so tremendous? It was unexpected and slightly disappointing to not get more answers out of a feature-length film a decade after "X-Files" went off the air. I understand the approach of trying to appeal to a broader crowd, but how many people who weren't reeled in the first time are going to give it a chance when the predominant perception is that it's a show about E.T.'s?

Also, as pointed out by a friend, there is no real explanation of the sudden relationship between Scully and Mulder. It is highly believable that Mulder lost faith in the government and has spent the ensuing years bunkered up and dropping out of sight, but what has he been doing? What happened to bridge the professional gap that stood between he and Scully that eventually bloomed into love? I can also see Scully becoming a doctor at a Christian hospital, which has some ready-made chances for her to question her faith and the decision-making of higher-ups, but what really happened to William?

To be fair, there was a cool—albeit brief—appearance by FBI Assistant Director Walter Skinner at the end, there were some good chase scenes and the plot line of organ thieves was pretty interesting. There were also some cool nods to the TV show (pencils stuck in the ceiling, the "I Want to Believe" poster, the music), but that almost made it even harder to understand why the movie chose to go down a path that is seemingly unrelated to anything of importance related to the show.

I saw this film with someone who wasn't familiar with the TV series, but who really enjoyed the movie on its own merit. Yet while I can appreciate the well-done aspects of the film, I can't get past the sense that, after six years of unanswered questions, this one felt like a lost opportunity.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Freaking "Massive Head Wound Harry."

Do I have to say anything else?

Vintage Dana Carvey from one of the heydays of SNL. Good times.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Limerick Friday LXXXVIII: Butch Uses Raise To Create UNC-Valdosta Campus

Admissions at Clemson turned him down
That says it all about this Dwight Jones clown
Suspended from high school, left Hargrave early
Went to Valdosta State, guess he learned to spell in a hurry
Mysteriously ended up at UNC, already with a cap and gown

Back-to-back majors for Paddy
He's officially become Sergio's daddy
Garcia usually misses a clutch putt or pitch
Then starts to act like a little bitch
Or pulls a Tiger and blames it all on his caddy

Condoleezza got packed off to Georgia the other day
On a peace mission is what the White House has to say
The irony is pretty hard not to see
As ironic as Mike's Hard Lemonade to me
Russia and Georgia have to be saying, "What the hay?"

On a related note, apparently Poland is now in the news
We're putting missiles there, which is giving Russia the blues
A defense shield in case we need to attack Iran's blokes
Leads to a lot of potential Pollock jokes
Once again, we have nothing to gain and everything to lose

"Bigfoot found in Georgia!" scream some folks
While others say it's a weak attempt at a hoax
His corpse in a freezer, imagine the Bigfoot stank
Like when Chewie dropped a grumpy in the Think Tank
I think they'll find it's Julius Peppers after many shaves and soaks

Last time

Thursday, August 14, 2008

"Sandpeople Killed My Mom"

There are a few things in the Star Wars sixology that make you go, "Huh?", but perhaps the one that stands out the most is when Anakin slaughters like 100 sandpeople, goes and tells his girlfriend Padme, and she is like, "That's all right. Shit happens."

One of my buddies decided to take that ridiculous scenario and turn it into a parody song on Funny or Die (well-timed for the release of the new Star Wars movie). It's sort of like Weird Al meets a Trekkie, with a dash of "sandpeople stink" thrown in for good measure. The line about drinking blue milk killed me.

Anyway, here 'tis. …

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

John Knoxville + Parkour + Evil Kneivel + Human Crash Test Dummy = True Rudy

He was "Rudy" before a hobbit walked onto the Notre Dame football team. He was a human crash test dummy before the Crash Test Dummies ever released an album. He was Johnny Knoxville in cleats, he was Evil Knievel in shoulder pads, he was Parkour on a football field. He was Tom Waddle, #87, wide receiver, Chicago Bears.

The other day, I was listening to Mike & Mike in the Morning on the way into work, and Waddle was serving as guest host. As he bantered with Greenie, the topic shifted to his playing career, and it brought back some vivid memories of his career. Waddle was five-foot-nothing, 180 pounds soaking wet, and there are two things I remember distinctly about him: 1) he caught anything that was thrown within a 15-foot radius of his hands and 2) he was on the wrong end of some of the most brutal hits I have ever seen in football.

On the show, Waddle mentioned a hit he took in 1994 from safety Thomas Everett of Tampa Bay, one that would effectively end his career. He sustained a gash on his chin that required 30 stitches, tore the MCL in his knee and suffered a bone chip in his hip—all on the same hit. Yet he still tried to walk off the field until the trainer forced him to stay on the ground because he was concerned that his helmet was basically holding his jaw on.

After a contract dispute with coach Dave "the 'Stache" Wannstedt—who was embarking on dismantling the first of two teams he would eventually ruin—Waddle retired at 28 years old, which seems like it was a very smart decision. Not only can he still form coherent sentences, but he now has a successful career as a radio personality in the Chicago area.

These characteristics led him to be much-loved by Bears fans (including my brother) and made him a favorite of then-coach Mike Ditka. Even though Chicago signed and released him six times over the course of his six-year career (1989-94), Waddle represented the gutsy, tough-as-nails nature of the Windy City perfectly, and also led the team in receiving twice in that stretch. In one of the most amazing playoff performances ever, Waddle caught nine passes for 104 yards and a touchdown against the Dallas Cowboys in 1991—while setting an unofficial record by having to use smelling salts three times during the course of the game. In addition to the triple-smelling-salt dosage, Waddle was also taken back for X-rays and seemed to always have a fleet of doctors surrounding him. On Mike & Mike in the Morning, he admitted that he has no recollection of playing the fourth quarter of that game. As if that weren't remarkable enough, Waddle actually caught a touchdown pass in that quarter. Perhaps the defining image of his career came in that game, with Waddle laying on the ground as the Soldier Field crowd chanted his name.

On the strength of that game and his remarkable display of courage (or stupidity, depending on your point of view), Waddle was singled out by broadcaster John Madden, who gushed about him all game and said, "What a warrior he has been today," then later named Waddle to his 1991 All-Madden Team.

With modest career marks of 173 receptions for 2,109 yards and nine touchdowns, Waddle is more of a footmark in Bears history than anything else, but he is still fiercely beloved by the Chicago faithful. He was on the receiving end of a lot of passes, but even more devastating hits. He was the quintessential slow white wideout from Boston College, but he once beat Deion Sanders deep for a touchdown. And on top of everything else, he had kind of a spiked mullet, to boot.

He was an average player who beat out scores of players with more talent simply because of his heart. He never made a Pro Bowl and he seemed to pass in and out of Bears lore in a heartbeat … but if I found a #87 Waddle jersey and gave it to my brother, I'm pretty sure he would shed a tear. Because Tom Waddle personifies the team and the town about as much as Dick Butkus, Walter Payton, Gale Sayers and Mike Singletary.

And something tells me that if he had to beat a hobbit in a footrace for the true title of "Rudy," he might not win—but he would trip him, punch him in the neck and cross the finish line first.

Go Waddle.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Monday, August 11, 2008

"Butt Favre's Back and Your Defense Is In Trouble ..."

As if I needed another reason to hate the Jests, some guy named Brett Favre apparently was traded to them recently. Favre is something of a mystery man; there was some mention that he had retired, but he sort of fell off the radar and avoided the media for a long time. Anyway, now he is back, and according to John Madden, he is so good that he will apparently play the entire 2008 season wearing Wranglers.

Madden is about two pork rinds away from a massive coronary, so hopefully they had defibrillators standing by when Favre announced he was coming out of retirement. I heard Madden and Peter King fought over Favre's affections in the cafeteria at the Hall of Fame ceremonies earlier this month. Dan Dierdorf started to break it up, but was entranced by Joe Montana's eyes.

Check out Madden's new song celebrating Favre's return to the league, as shared by Frank Caliendo on "Mike & Mike in the Morning" …

Friday, August 08, 2008

Limerick Friday LXXXVII: Awesome Opening Ceremony … Do You Smell Something Burning?

A ceremony to remember in Beijing
Don't worry about that pesky Tibet thing
And pay no attention to the pollution
Or that guy burning himself as a solution
At the Olympics, human rights ain't exactly king

The national convention will have a surprise speaker?
And it's not a pants-suit-wearing presidential seeker
The Democrats have turned to Clinton, but it's Bill
Not aging well, but he knows how to give crowds a thrill
For conservatives and Fox News, the outlook keeps getting bleaker

Preparing for the my fantasy draft
Taking Brett Favre would be pretty daft
Do I get points for Steve Smith's teammate punches?
Will Matt Leinart keep throwing picks in bunches?
I thought about picking a Dolphin, then just laughed

The White House is the next goal for Tyra Banks?
As what, the Cabinet Interior Secretary of Skanks?
She dressed up as Michelle Obama for Bazaar
With weight fluctuation that is rather bizarre
A manic-depressive joke as First Lady? No thanks

Jim Tressel runs a tight ship there at OSU
Suspended a coupla players for a game or two
Except one was supposed to miss last year's title game
But mysteriously reinstated, Donald Washington was his name
But Cheatie McSweatervest will make sure he's back for USC, 'tis true

Last time

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

"I'm, Like, Tired Of The Old, Wrinkly, White-Haired Guy"

This one was pointed out to me this morning. It represents Paris Hilton's response to McCain's decision to "attack" Obama for being a "celebrity" like Paris or Britney. Only a Republican could try to spin popularity into being a bad thing, but anyway.


See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

"Dat's A Baker's Dozen For Me, Bob"

It ain't football time 'til Bill Sweksis and the Super Fans say it is.

Da ... Bears!

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Best-Teammate Bout: Michael Westbrook vs. Steve Smith

Yesterday, in the heat and humidity of Spartanburg and the monotony of NFL training camp, Carolina Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith got tired of looking across the line of scrimmage into the eyes of cornerback Ken Lucas. So he began to punch one of those eyes repeatedly.

It was the second such incident in Smith's career, and when you throw in his blowup at his coaches on the sidelines of a playoff game, you'll see that Smith either has 'roid rage, manic-depression or deep, Adam Sandler-level anger management issues. It harkens back to the days of Michael Westbrook, an enormous draft bust of the Washington Redskins whose beat-up-teammate total nearly eclipsed his number of career touchdowns.

Maybe it's just me, but I think I read about enough players falling by the wayside with injuries each and every day. You would think that teams would be against injuries inflicted by players on the same damn team. So who would make the better teammate? Let's take a look at 17 (don't ask) defining factors in this …

Tale of the Tape!

Middle Name …
Westbrook: Deanailo
Smith: Latrall
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Both guys have normal-sounding names until you get to the middle. It's like the naming party simply couldn't help themselves. Apparently, Michael was named for both Dean Martin and Kato Kailin

College …
Westbrook: Colorado
Smith: Utah
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Colorado pays its players and brings them to strip clubs on recruiting trips; Utah is smack dab in the middle of Mormon country

Drafted …
Westbrook: Fourth overall, 1995, Washington Redskins
Smith: 74th overall, 2001, Carolina Panthers
Advantage: SMITH. Westbrook entered the league with much hype, then slipped away like Keyser Soze; Smith came into the NFL fueled by the perception that Carolina wasted a third-round pick on a punt returner, and quickly developed into a star wideout

Name Sounds Like A …
Westbrook: Tennis player
Smith: Golfer
Advantage: SMITH. Tennis players usually have one big arm and one little arm, and they smell like cabbage; golfers basically have slaves and can make a quarter of a million dollars by finishing in 23rd place

Known For …
Westbrook: Dropping passes; dropping a teammate
Smith: Being awesome; dropping teammates
Advantage: SMITH. If you're going to be an asshole, you might as well be good

Leadership skills …
Westbrook: Once demolished teammate Stephen Davis
Smith: Once farted in teammate Stephen Davis's locker and closed it really fast
Advantage: PUSH. Smith enjoys eating habanero wings at Mexican joints

Details …
Westbrook: Attacked Davis (see #9) during a 1997 practice, caught by several TV cameras
Smith: Attacked Anthony Bright during a 2002 film session, breaking his nose and putting him in the hospital for two days; attacked Ken Lucas during a 2008 training camp practice, blackening Lucas's eye and forcing him to be carted off the field
Advantage: SMITH. Westbrook never had to defend his title, while Smith is asking management to bring in Miguel Cotto to boost his record

Punishment …
Westbrook: Fined $50,000; out of league five years later
Smith: Suspend for one game, jailed; selected to three Pro Bowls, signed to $27 million contract
Advantage: SMITH. That's a lot of money to be spent on out-of-court settlements and hospital bills. Conceivably, he could assault teammates for years and not feel the pinch

What Happened Soon After …
Westbrook: Kids repeatedly egged Westbrook's house for repeatedly dropping passes
Smith: Forced to go to anger management, sued by Bright, settled out of court
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Westbrook apparently lived near Albert Belle, a Baltimore Oriole at the time, so children quickly learned that petty vandalism is not worth being run over by an SUV (see #4) piloted by a large, disturbed black man

What We Learned …
Westbrook: Don't call Michael Westbrook "gay"
Smith: Don't fight Stephen Smith unless your health-care insurance is up-to-date
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Teaching yourself not to call someone a homo seems easier than trying to avoid getting pounded simply because you wear the same uniform as Smith

Suspected Of …
Westbrook: May have killed Heath Shuler
Smith: May have killed Fred Lane
Advantage: WESTBROOK. A Congressman vs. a journeyman back? Well-played, Michael; well-played

Interesting Fact …
Westbrook: Caught the winning touchdown over the Wolverines on a last-second Hail Mary, dubbed "The Miracle in Michigan"
Smith: Has tattoos of Papa Smurf, Superman symbol and the Tasmanian devil
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Everyone hates Bitchigan. Tattoos of diminutive, slightly creepy cartoon characters does not improve your street cred; in fact, they may be the source of Smith's repeated confrontations

The Probably Not-a-Good Idea File …
Westbrook: Has fought in a steel-cage match
Smith: Coaches a youth soccer team
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Guy turned beating up teammates into a career choice. Big ups. At least Westbrook seems equipped to handle himself in this setting; on the other hand, I'm not sure you want Smith teaching your 7-year-old how to rabbit punch an unsuspecting, acne-wracked kid chasing a soccer ball

Relationship With Media …
Westbrook: Surprisingly, obscure Brazilian martial arts don't bring too many media hordes into Westbrook's everyday life—aside from the Goiania Jiu-Jitsu Journal
Smith: Once referred to writers as "buttholes" and keeps negative clippings in his locker; suffers from black Irish Alzheimer's: he forgets everything but a grudge
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Am I the only one who thinks that it's only a matter of time before Smith drops Peter King like a bag of dirt? Wait … on second thought, change this one to SMITH

Post-Playing Career Plans …
Westbrook: Competes in mixed martial arts and Brazilian jiu-jitsu
Smith: Olympic soccer coach who beats the ever-lovin' christ out of anyone who gets a yellow card
Advantage: WESTBROOK. "Jet Li. Jackie Chan. Chris Tucker. Michael Westbrook. In 'Shanghai Rush Hour 6'." A man can dream, can't he?

Post-Playing Career Accolades …
Westbrook: Won 2008 IBJJF World Championship at purple belt
Smith: Wins 2014 bronze medal in soccer; celebrates by punching Freddy Adu in the beans, karate-chopping Beckham in the throat and scissor-kicking Posh Spice
Advantage: SMITH. I mean, everybody wants to see the Beckhams writhing on the ground, right?

Thoughts On Favre …
Westbrook: "Stay retired. Fucker throws the ball too hard anyway. But I do like his Wranglers commercials."
Smith: "Shut the fuck up and go dig mud in Mississippi, bitch. Unless you want to play for the Panthers, in which case, I have a strict policy against pummeling old men, quarterbacks, or both."
Advantage: SMITH. I think any football fan would pay to see the interaction between Butt Favre and "Prick" Smith on the sidelines

Eight for Westbrook, eight for Smith, one push. A tie. I guess they'll have to fight it out amongst themselves …

Friday, August 01, 2008

Limerick Friday LXXXVI: McCain, Favre To Star In "Grumpy Old Men 2"

McCain fighting rickets and trying every last trick
But increasingly just looking like a prick
The latest from Bush's confused great grand-dad
Compares Obama to Britney and Paris in an ad
Too bad he's just turning off more with his schtick

Screwed over for years by the Hall
Had him asking, "Can't I get in at all?"
With stats that jump off the page
Art Monk deserves his induction stage
What the f took so long is the question for football

You sit back and read it for a hoot
An Asian in an arcade in a zoot suit
Like a train wreck you can't look away from
A disturbing blog that is funny, sad and then some
Girls try to get away, then say, "No more parachute!"

Green Bay said, "We'll give you 20 million bucks
If you'll just go to Del Boca with the other old fucks"
That certainly buys a lot of Vicadin
So you can quit retiring again and again
The Packerazzi is standing by to film Favre's intercepted ducks

It's finally college football time for the Pack
Fall camp started with a thump and a whack
A tough schedule requires a coach that is calm
Even if questions abound for State and Major Tom
For now, it's just good to see the Red and White back

Last time