Friday, December 29, 2006

Limerick Friday XIII: Vaya Con Dios, 2006 ...

A time of year to be with at least one good friend
No significant other doesn’t mean it’s the world’s end
So call some pals and leave the house
Get ripped and get out and carouse
Toast the new year and say, “For myself, I can fend!”

A young boy who can’t stay up late
He’s bushed at a quarter to eight
Ate his Salisbury steak in bed
Yawned and then excitedly said,
“The cobbler in my TV dinner is great!”

A top-notch party host named Evan
He’ll recommend beers that taste just like heaven
So quit whining like a bunch of damn queers
And head to his home for New Year’s
And remember everything’s possible in 2007!

Just six players was enough for the Pack
After giving the pesky Pirates some slack
State ran its EZU record to 17-0
And said, “Lose to the Pirates?! Hell no!”
“To the trailer park is where we’re sending you back”

Another year passed with the speed of a jet
Some good times and others to forget
Everything happens for a reason
Is one sentiment to remember this season
If you ask for nothing, then nothing you’ll get


Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Limerick Friday X

Limerick Friday XI

Limerick Friday XII

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Doppelganger Day!

Bill Belichick has led the Patsies to three straight Super Bowl titles, cementing his spot as one of the game’s best coaches ever and earning him a seat in my Hall of Hate. He may be a football genius, but he has the personality of a block of government cheese and endorses a look on the sideline that can only be described as “Unabomber le Autumn.”

I don’t know much about Ted Forrest except that he is a professional poker player, he is a very awkward-looking person and when he smiles, it looks like someone is slowly twisting a knife into his back and he’s trying to laugh it off. But hell, he’s won almost $4 million in live tournaments thus far, so he must be doing something right.

As in my initial installment of this ill-conceived "weak"-ly project, I happen to think these two socially inept people look alike.

And yes, there is not much to do this week and, yes, this is as good as I can do right now.

Bill Belichick

Ted Forrest

Bill Belichick

Ted Forrest

Bill Belichick

Ted Forrest

Friday, December 22, 2006

Limerick Friday XII: Happy Holidays!

Festivus Day is tomorrow
A great holiday you can borrow
Grievances to be aired
Feats of strength to be shared
A metal pole to celebrate in sorrow

For Brent, a hot dog costume
For Casie, some North Carolina perfume
For Evan, great rankings on Google
For Will, some women to ogle (pronounced “oogle”)
To say you’ve all been good is too much to assume

A lunch without any phonies
A good meal with my former MSI cronies
We had some great barbecue
The laughs, they came right on cue
Then we poured out sweet tea for our homies

We bid farewell to the 2006 year
Some of us may even shed a tear
Yet we welcome the arrival of ‘07
May it be the next best thing to heaven
Or at least may it help make our futures clear

Limerick Friday is short but sweet
For vacation everybody has beat feet
So I wish you all a great holiday
Whether it’s Kwanzaa, Hanukkah or Christmas Day
May it be full of beer, love and a variety of meat


Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Limerick Friday X

Limerick Friday XI

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Liquor, Liquor Everywhere, And Nary A Drop To Steal ...

A liquor store robbery attempt turns into a one-man destructive assault on a quiet and still place of business.

“LaJamal sits down on a keg of beer, lights a stolen cigarette and massages nine broken ribs as he waits for the authorities to arrive.”

Actually, this might happen to me on Christmas Eve as I sit through more kayaking and thrift store stories from Mom and Dad alone …

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Wolfpack Trio Earns Pro Bowl Honors

Three former NC State stars will be packing their suntan oil in February, as their stellar play was rewarded with a well-deserved trip to Honolulu for the annual AFC-NFL Pro Bowl. San Diego quarterback Philip Rivers, St. Louis wide receiver Torry Holt and Arizona strong safety Adrian Wilson were all selected to the teams, announced yesterday.

In his first year as a starter, Rivers has thrown for 2,976 yards and 18 touchdowns through 14 games, with a completion percentage of 62.8 and only eight interceptions. The Chargers are 12-2 this year, with Rivers ranking fourth in the AFC in passer rating, fourth in touchdown throws and fifth in passing yardage.

Interestingly, Rivers made the Pro Bowl while the New York Giants’ Eli Manning did not. The two will forever be linked due to a draft day trade in 2004, when San Diego selected Manning first overall and the Giants picked Rivers fourth. New York then traded the rights to Rivers and three draft picks to the Chargers for the rights to Manning. Two of those draft selections, linebacker Shawne Merriman and kicker Nate Kaeding, were also named to the Pro Bowl this year along with Rivers. How’s that trade working out for you, New York?

Making his sixth Pro Bowl appearance, Holt eclipsed the 1,000-yard mark for the seventh straight year. In 14 games, he has 80 receptions for 1,044 yards and 10 touchdowns, averaging 13.1 yards per grab. He’s tied for second in the NFC in receiving scores, tied for third in receptions and fourth in receiving yards. He’ll start for the NFC squad in Hawaii.

Long considered one of the game’s top safeties, Wilson finally earned his first selection to the Pro Bowl this year. A season ago, he was snubbed after establishing an NFL record for sacks by a defensive back with eight. This year, he has registered 76 tackles, four sacks, four interceptions, four forced fumbles and two fumble recoveries for the Cardinals. Amazingly, he has two 99-yard returns for touchdowns on the campaign, one on an interception and one on a fumble. He’ll line up as the starting strong safety for the NFC.

The total of three alumni in the Pro Bowl game puts NC State in a tie for second-most among colleges this year. Congratulations to these former Pack standouts and good luck the rest of the way …

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Creativity Is The Great Uncompensated Gift

This one's for all my writer friends who hold onto the fantasy that they can achieve a sustainable living through writing. In the equivalent of "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!", Santa Claus definitively dashes those dreams.

"All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up." --Pablo Picasso

Hang in there, all you starving artists.

Monday, December 18, 2006

That Dude Kinda Looks Like ...

For as long as I can remember, I have always had a knack for picking out look-a-likes and doppelgangers … people who look freakishly alike. It is sort of like that game “Concentration” that some were forced to play as kids.

Anyway, I was watching ESPN last week and NBA analyst Marc Stein was called onto Sportscenter to discuss the impending Allen Iverson trade. As he eagerly pounced on the questions to demonstrate how “inside” he was, I noticed that he looked disturbingly like a grown-up version of Angus T. Jones, who plays Jake Harper on “Two and a Half Men.” This may be humorous only to me and the two NBA fans left in the world – actually, I’m guessing the odds of finding an NBA fan AND someone who watches “Two and a Half Men” are next to nil – but I’m going with it anyway. After all, it’s Monday of the week before Christmas and no one is doing anything and pretending to look busy.

Stay tuned for an obscure poker player who looks sorta like an NFL head coach ...

Marc Stein

Angus T. Jones

Marc Stein

Angus T. Jones

Friday, December 15, 2006

Limerick Friday XI: A Festivus For The Rest Of Us

Since I’m feeling the holiday spirit (translation: shotgunning Irish coffee and passing out under the desk in my cubicle) and since many of you will be out for most or all of next week for Christmas, I expanded Limerick Friday this week. Therefore, I am proud to introduce and give you … the Ultra-Extravagant, Super-Sized, Double-Whammy, Feats-Of-Strength, Airing-Of-Grievances Festivus Limerick Spectacular!

Carry on …

It’s Christmas-time in our Raleighwood city
I’m guessing no bonuses coming down the SEO chimney
Use Amazon to avoid trips to the mall
Chewbacca shops at Wookie Big ‘N’ Tall
Marco and Etoria are coming over to put up my Christmas tree

Where are all the good TV shows?
I miss Seinfeld and even Klinger’s nose
There ain’t a damn thing good on TV
Don’t wait for commercials anymore to pee
Creative ideas went somewhere that nobody knows

Casie’s posts are staring to scare me
Every weekend, a vomiting jamboree
Tricking drunk dudes into bed
Then hooking up with Muppets instead
The hobbit’s in for quite a time on New Year’s Eve

Holiday goodies galore
Excuses to eat like a boar
Everything ends in “chocolatey prize”
Got tree trunks where you once had thighs
Don’t complain when you can’t fit through the door

Family hides from him on Thanksgiving
Mentions a girlfriend and they all know he’s fibbing
Can’t use a car wash without breaking shite
Helps girls move and then they just say, “Good night”
Try something else because this ain’t much of a living

“Stranger Than Fiction” was a pretty good flick
You just never know when from these movies you pick
Like the “The Truman Show” for Jim Carrey
Will Farrell wanted a drama he could carry
Still liked him better on “Old School” when he was getting sick

Dad gets a sailing calendar annually
Mom wanted some freaking Enya CD
It’s a banner year in our holiday household
Predictable, cheesy gifts just never get old
I spiked the egg nog, so I think I’ll have a drink or three

One writer left and he’s got humps like a camel
Schizophrenic and dumb as a wood panel
If he hears a laugh he’ll shit in his pants
Then go off on more paranoid rants
Hell, now he’s lying about going to Channel

Two struggling bachelors who just don’t know what to do
From George Costanza they could learn a thing or two
What you’re doing is a disaster and a fright
So the opposite must necessarily be right
You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit, that’s your cue

A former coworker meeting at Danny’s
Literace can’t attend, he lunches with trannies
More people at lunch than where we used to work
Laughing and joking over cole slaw and pork
Wondering why Will keeps talking about dudes’ fannies


Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Limerick Friday X

Thursday, December 14, 2006

“Fuck It, Dude. Let’s Go Bowling.”

As most know from my September 28 post, “The Big Lebowski” is one of my favorite movies of all time. If you don’t hold it in the same regard quite yet, you will after watching this video. As an added bonus, the video also serves as a stress reliever if you are having a tough day at work.

“Fuck sympathy. I don't need your fucking sympathy. I need my fucking johnson!”

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Report: Human Bobbleheads Are Poor Drivers

The incredible shrinking pretend-celeb, Nicole Ritchie, was arrested in the early morning hours of Dec. 11 after failing a field sobriety test. Apparently, the appearance of a black Mercedes SUV roaring the wrong way down the 134 freeway in Burbank, piloted only by a human bobblehead, alarmed motorists enough to call 911. When cops tracked her down at 1:45 a.m., Ritchie had apparently thought it would be a good idea to turn in the correct direction, park in the car-pool lane and make a call on her cell phone. Despite being the only car on the road, she told police officers that she was following a “friend.” No truth to the rumor that her father’s song “Zoomin’” was playing on the radio at the time.

She told authorities that she had imbibed a Vicodin-and-marijuana cocktail, but they said that she was both “cooperative” and “humble,” alleged to be the first time she has ever experienced these adjectives and fueling speculation that the medical profession, for the first time, is advocating a permanent Vicodin-and-THC IV for Ritchie.

Considering that she endangered countless lives while careening the wrong way down a major road in one of the most densely populated areas in the country, Ritchie is lucky that the only charge she faces is DUI, with a Feb. 7 court date. After being processed, the 25-year-old “skelebrity” was released from Glendale Police Department at 7:15 in the morning after a $15,000 bail was posted. I’m going to assume that she then skipped breakfast.

It was not Ritchie’s first “scrape” with the law; she was nabbed for heroin possession in February 2003. Perhaps most alarmingly, the Ritchie arrested in 2003 was a 5-2, 90-pound white woman; this Ritchie is a 5-1, 85-pound black woman. Most are assuming that it is the same person and that starving yourself can have side effects such as shrinkage and changing of race. When asked for comment, Christina Ricci’s representatives issued a statement reading simply, “Sho nuff, cracker bitches. Word.”

Reportedly, Lindsay Lohan immediately released a letter begging her one-time friend to “hafta” be “adequite,” referring to Ritchie as the grandmother she never had. She also wrote that, for the “12st” time, getting arrested is “tedious” and that the wind had been knocked out of her heart. There were no comments from Paris Hilton or Britney Spears, who have been allegedly shopping for crotchless baby outfits for days.

E! Television is reportedly already working on a script based largely on Saturday Night Live’s “Toonces the Driving Cat” skit, a reality show in which Ritchie is forced to vomit every mile while her miniature poodle navigates a Hummer the wrong way down the Santa Monica Boulevard. Disney has optioned the movie rights as a possible “Herbie the Love Bug” sequel.

Fight the good, fight, Nicole. Let your father’s words from “Running With the Night” serve as your motto:

“On the boulevard wild and free
Giving all we got, we laid it down
Taking every shot, we took the town
We were running with the night”

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Five Questions with Justin Gainey

Justin Gainey was certainly not the biggest, nor the fastest, nor the strongest point guard to ever wear the Red and White, but as former coach Herb Sendek often said, no player ever maximized their abilities like Gainey did. He cemented his role in NC State history quickly, establishing a record that will likely never be broken by playing every minute of the Pack’s miraculous run from the No. 8 seed to the finals of the 1997 ACC Tournament—160 minutes in four games. What makes the mark even more amazing is that Gainey was a freshman at the time, and the diminutive youngster often found himself matched up with much larger opponents in the post due to the Pack’s lack of depth.

Gainey is now working as an administrative coordinator for NC State under new hoops coach Sidney Lowe. I recently did an interview with Justin for Pack Pride, and here are five questions and answers.

This year’s version of the Wolfpack does not have a deep bench, relying on a six-man rotation through most of the early part of the season. Does this team remind you of the 1997 team that you were a part of, with the “Iron Five” that played just about every minute of the ACC Tournament that season?
“It does a lot. It’s kind of like déjà vu for me, with guys getting injured and a slim bench. But the guys continue to work hard every day in practice and they’re bringing it, and that’s what really makes it all seem like ‘Groundhog Day.’”

What made you want to get into coaching?
“I had been overseas playing ball for a couple of years and then I played in the USBL, and when I came back and settled down, I actually started working over at the athletics office. When Coach Lowe was hired, a position came open.

“Initially, when I first came back from overseas, I decided I wanted to get back into coaching, and this was the perfect opportunity to get a taste of it and get my foot in the door. The position was open and I got the job, and it’s just been great. Coach Lowe is great to work for; he has a lot of basketball knowledge and he’s a Wolfpacker through and through. He welcomed me in, and it’s been good to be back a part of it and in what’s going on. It’s great to see the Wolfpack family back together; it’s been a dream come true.”

You are one of three former NC State point guards on this staff, and one of five—out of seven—on this staff who played hoops for the Wolfpack. In your opinion, how important is that to a coaching staff on this level?
“I think it’s great for all of us with experience playing for NC State … Having that connection of being part of it as a player and to be here now and you’re coaching. It’s easy for you to explain to prospects that it’s a great place to be. You can say, ‘I’ve seen it from the playing level, and I’ve seen it from the coaching level also.’

“And you’re always welcomed back because of the family atmosphere. I see a lot of former players back at games, and it’s unbelievable. We had a little player reunion earlier this year, and all these guys were there. I mean, I got to meet Hawkeye Whitney! All these former great players that you had heard about when you played here, and you got to see them and meet them. It was a treat for everybody to be in the same room.”

What was your reaction when you found out that your former coach, Herb Sendek, was leaving State?
“I was surprised, especially because it was April Fool’s Day. I was out in the mall with my family, and I got a call from someone saying that Coach Sendek was leaving, and I told them they have to be joking, that it was April Fool’s. But then I got home and saw it on TV. I was stunned, because I knew how much he loved NC State. But it was a good opportunity out there for him also, so he had to do what’s best for him and his family. I wish him and [assistant] Arch [Miller] and Coach [Mark] Phelps the best.”

Did you keep up with the ensuing coaching search much?
“It got pretty interesting, and the News & Observer did a good job of making it interesting, with their countdown saying ‘39 days’ or whatever. But I tried to track and see what’s going on with how they were figuring out the right person. It seems like the News & Observer had a new head candidate every other day, but I didn’t put too much time into it. I had faith in [athletics director Lee] Coach Fowler and the Wolfpack Club and those guys, that they would make the right decision. And they made a great decision, a great choice by hiring Coach Lowe.”

Friday, December 08, 2006

Limerick Friday X: Adrian Fights Mickey’s Ghost

Crazy Google searches find your blog space
Will usually types in “How to defeat mace”
Casie inspires ones like “Locker room escapades”
Paul’s are more, “Sixteen Candles panty raids”
Somebody found mine once with “tattoos on the face”

A shoutout to my friend Samwise Dingo
Landed a great job and now he’s raring to go
Ready to leave keywords in the dust
For a place where common sense is a must
That’ll be a nice change, as all of us well know

NC State hired an Irish redhead
Though some wanted Navy’s coach instead
He wins and he graduates players
While that Johnson coaches future sailors
O’Brien knows our school color ain’t yellow, it’s red

Collects college sweatshirts, you see
Cheers for Dook, EZU and UNC?!
Pirates and Devils and Heels, oh my
Ugly enough to make a blind date cry
Now he’s stalking poor kids as a Jaycee

Evan’s friend decided that poker he’d ditch
Everyone realizes that’s the move of a bitch
If you break plans with your boys,
All your excuses are just noise
Unless you’re the meat in a Scarlett-Salma sandwich

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday

Limerick Friday IX

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Tommy O’Irish Comes To Raleigh

Reports from every corner of the universe indicate that Boston College coach Tom O’Brien will be NC State’s new head man, and it says here that this is a terrific hire for the Wolfpack.

O'Brien felt slighted at B.C. in terms of fan support, facilities and pay. O’Brien goes 9-3 every year at with the Eagles and goes to crap bowls like the George Foreman Meineke Car Care Bowl ... 9-3 at State gets you to the Peach Bowl or better because our fans travel so well. I always felt Boston College teams played hard-nosed, fundamentally sound, disciplined football -- kinda like the Big 10, actually, in my opinion -- with dominant play in the trenches. The more I hear about this hire, the more I am liking it. Hell, who wouldn’t like a redheaded Irishman running your football team?

O'Brien was vastly underpaid (making roughly $250K less than Amato after 10 years at B.C.!) and had floated his name for several jobs in the last few years, INCLUDING UNC's before they hired Butch Davis. I think the ACC frowns on these situations in most cases, but there are no repercussions or recourse for punishment. Hell, State is the redheaded-stepchild of the league and always gets the crap end of the stick anyway, so I'm glad we didn't hesitate. Most people will tell you that commissioner John Swofford actually pushed State to interview Miami coach Frank Haith when Herb Sendek left, so I guess the "unwritten law" only extends so far.

NC State fans are running about 50-50 on this hire, with the ill-informed mouth-breathers who used to curse at Melanie Sendek in the RBC Center threatening to give up seating rights and typing things like, “Why dint we go own en get dat Johnsun boy from Naval?!!!!1111 Dang Foolwer11!!!” To be fair, here are some of the cons that have come up thus far:

He’s Herb Sendek: This is the most popular one. There is a notion among Boston College fans that O’Brien had taken their program as high as it could go under his direction and that he couldn’t win the big game. Except the Eagles have gone to eight consecutive bowls – a school record – and have won six of those in a row, the best streak in the country. Boston College has gone 9-3 three straight years. Sendek led State to five straight NCAA Tournament appearances and one Sweet Sixteen berth, but this is a school with two national championships, brought basketball to the forefront in the South and boasts the greatest player to ever lace up sneakers in the conference. Eagles fans remember Doug Flutie skipping around, throwing jump passes, doing dropkicks and sporting a wicked midget mullet. News flash, folks: that was almost a quarter of a century ago!

He’s not a “sexy” hire: No, he’s not -- but State couldn't have gotten that from anyone but Pittsburgh Steelers coach and NC State alum Bill Cowher.

He’s not on par with Bitch Davis: Why does it matter what UNC does? What have the Tar Heels ever done in football to make them a program to mirror for NC State? They are a basketball school who is trying to make a commitment to football by throwing millions of dollars around and trying to buy relevance on a national scale. He may be all they hope he can be; but can you honestly say that a guy who hasn’t coached on the college level in six years and has been out of football for almost three will do better right away than O’Brien, who has proven himself in this conference and over the past decade in college football?

He’s too old: O’Brien is 58 – two years older than Davis and two years younger than Chuck Amato. One of the positives there is that if he gets burned out in a few years, that may put NC State in a more feasible position to go after Cowher, if he is itching to get back in the game at that point.

Here is a list of a few of the other candidates on NC State’s list and a summary of how I feel about them in relation to the Wolfpack:

Paul Johnson, Navy:
This guy proved only one thing to me: that his stubborn attitude wouldn’t cut it in Raleigh; we already tried that with Amato. Apparently, Johnson likes to tell interested teams that he won’t interview if he isn’t one of the top two candidates … plus, he told State that he wouldn’t come to them to interview, they had to come to him. Dude, I don’t know if anyone told you this … but you are the coach at NAVY. Also, he makes $1.3 million a year at Navy! Can I justify paying a guy with stops at only Georgia Southern and Navy upwards of $1.5 million? No chance … especially with an option-based offense. I like to win as much as anyone, but am I going to sit there for three hours every Saturday watching a series of three-yard fullback dives? Nope. His attitude, questions about his recruiting ability and wondering whether he would be willing to tailor his offense to our personnel made me very glad we passed. Our strength on offense is the skill position guys like Justin Burke and Harrison Beck at quarterback, Andre Brown and Toney Baker at running back, and a flurry of tall, promising wide receivers. That doesn’t fit the flex option at all and I think Johnson is just stubborn enough to say, “I am going to prove to everyone that my offense works on the highest levels of college football, personnel be damned.” No thanks.

Jimbo Fisher, LSU, offensive coordinator:
This was the No. 1 guy on my list. Fisher recruits Florida for LSU, won a national title as the top coordinator, is only 41 years old, could have been had at a bargain price, would have assembled a top-notch staff and wanted the job badly. I still wish we would have at least interviewed him.

Norm Chow, Tennessee Titans, offensive coordinator:
I wanted us to interview him, too. Ask him why he has never been a head coach? Does he really want to be one? Does he have the passion and energy to attend to every detail that goes along with running your own program? Look him in the eye, ask him these questions, hear his answers and make an informed decision on how to proceed.

Steve Logan, radio host:
If we hired a coach that EZU fired, I would have driven myself into a bridge abutment. I really don’t know what else to say about that.

Mike Sherman, Houston Texans, assistant head coach:
I would have talked to him, but that’s about it. He’s looking to get back into the NFL because he’s floating his name for every job.

Steve Kragthorpe, Tulsa:
He’s looking to land a gig at one of the powerhouse programs and is content to stay put until he gets one.

Here a neat trick I like to use sometimes. Take out one variable – the coach’s name.

Coach A is one of the best coaches in America. Coach A has the longest bowl winning streak in the nation. Coach A graduates players. Coach A wins in a part of the country where college football is about fourth-fiddle on the sports hierarchy. Coach A is a member of your conference. Coach A has won and successfully recruited within your conference. Coach A is interested in your job. Wouldn’t you be interested in Coach A?

Coach A is Tom O’Brien … and he’s the new leader of the Pack.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

George Foreman Bowl To Decide Newest Pack Coach?

On December 30, Navy and Boston College will tangle in the Meineke Car Care Bowl in Charlotte, N.C. At stake? Not only does the winner take home a beautiful crystal muffler (OK, I may be making that up), but it could very well be that the winning coach will be the new leader of the Pack.

Ever since Chuck Amato was ousted as State’s coach just after Thanksgiving, baseless speculation and a flurry of rumors have surrounded the vacant Wolfpack job. Jimbo Fisher, Bo Pellini, Paul Johnson, Mike Sherman, Steve Kragthorpe, David Cutcliffe, Dick Sheridan, June Jones, Norm Chow, Bobby Johnson, Jerry Glanville, Jim Donnan and Larry Coker are just a few of the names that have popped up in connection with the position.

The name gaining the most momentum in recent hours has been Boston College head man Tom O’Brien. Among the many checks in O’Brien’s favor are that he churns out NFL offensive linemen like they’re going out of style; his teams exhibit a disciplined, hard-nosed fundamentally sound style of play; he has carved out a niche for the Eagles in an area in which college football plays about fourth-fiddle; he has come to be known as a strong recruiter in the Northeast; he is highly, highly respected within the coaching community, leading most observers to believe that he should be able to assemble a strong staff; and he consistently wins. B.C. just finished its third straight regular season with a 9-3 record and will be playing in its eighth bowl in a row while trying to build on its streak of sixth straight bowl victories – best in the nation. In 2004, O’Brien earned the American Football Coaches’ Association’s Academic Achievement Award by posting a 100-percent graduation rate; he’s garnered honorable-mention accolades in this category seven other times.

A native of Ohio, O’Brien ironically is a graduate of the Naval Academy. He served as an assistant at Navy and Virginia before taking over the Eagles program a decade ago. Rumor has it that O’Brien has been unhappy over the lack of facilities, support and commitment at Boston College when it comes to football. He reportedly has campaigned for a few jobs in recent years due to this dissatisfaction.

On the downside, O’Brien is 58 years old and is relatively unfamiliar with the Southeast, though his experience at Virginia and within the Atlantic Coast Conference should make the learning curve easier to handle. Also, in the interest of full disclosure, he is the subject of this humorous, yet thought-provoking site. As an interesting side note, O’Brien’s title at Boston College is actually sponsored: he is the Gregory P. Barber and Family Head Football Coach at Boston College. Interestingly, I was the Marco Mirales y Familia Content Strategist at KeywordSourcedMarketRankingSmartCherishInteractive for a little while. But I digress …

Johnson proponents cite the Navy coach’s consistent winning, North Carolina roots (he’s a Western Carolina alum from Newland, N.C.) and relative youth (48). However, many folks question how his flex option offense will translate into the ACC, his ability to recruit at the highest levels, his attitude concerning his availability for other coaching positions and the price tag that comes along with his hire. Multiple sources have indicated that Johnson will refuse to interview for any opportunity unless he is assured that he is one of the top two candidates, which seems a little too uppity for my liking, coming from the coach at Navy. Media outlets report that Johnson makes $1.3 million per year (with incentives) at Navy … could NC State justify paying a coach with stops at Georgia Southern and Navy upwards of a million-and-a-half beans per year? Would Pack fans be willing to sit through (potentially) a series of fullback dives for three hours every Saturday? Could Johnson tailor his offense to match the existing Wolfpack personnel, especially the potential talent available at the skill positions? Would Johnson be able to put together a staff that would ease his transition to the ACC and its recruiting trails?

To the dismay of many Pack fans, Fisher’s candidacy has apparently been ended prematurely, with NC State cancelling his interview that was slated for this week. This leads most to speculate that the Wolfpack’s focus has been narrowed to Johnson and O’Brien. While this writer believes that it is shortsighted of State to eliminate prospects such as Fisher, Chow and Kragthorpe without as much as an interview, if the Pack is indeed down to the above two candidates, it appears that the search has been a relative success.

Could the Meineke Car Care Bowl winner’s next stop be in Raleigh, to set up shop in the Murphy Center? If so, Meineke pitchman George Foreman is somewhere smiling … and likely grilling something. And the eternal debate on whether State did the right thing in firing Amato and made the right choice in selecting the new coach will continue until results can actually be seen on the field.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Pork-Rinding the Vote and Promising Not to Get Sick

Last month, Brent and Paul had some spirited back and forth concerning the relative academic and intelligence merits of Virginia vs. North Carolina. Even though Paul ended the conversation with a strange reference to the fact that he has no asshole and that Asian kids can vary their height according to how many burgers and fries they eat, it was an interesting debate.

To further the argument, I scoured the AP wire and found two highly disturbing stories emanating from Virginia and West Virginia. The first dealt with a Medicaid pilot project taking place in West Virginia. According to the New York Times,

“In a pilot phase starting in three rural counties over the next few months, many West Virginia Medicaid patients will be asked to sign a pledge ‘to do my best to stay healthy,’ to attend ‘health improvement programs as directed,’ to have routine checkups and screenings, to keep appointments, to take medicine as prescribed and to go to emergency rooms only for real emergencies.”

“I promise to stay healthy?!” Priceless. “I’ll do my best to avoid having other cars run into me and I’ll try not to fall as much or juggle sharp objects.” Ah, the forward-thinking ideology of health insurance reform during the final term of the antichrist …

On a lighter note, the Richmond Times-Dispatch shares a charming story of a former mayor in Virginia who was caught trying to rig a local election with bribes of – wait for it – pork rinds. Yes. Freaking pork rinds. Plus, in addition to forging absentee ballots, potential voters were also offered bribes of “booze, cigarettes, prescription medication and snacks.”

Unsurprisingly, this took place in Appalachia …

“Hey, Billy Joe Jim Bob Jason Ray, Jr., I’ll a-give ye some Rohypnol and some Nabs if ye’un vote fer me. I done bet Myrtle Bea will like that, sure ‘nough.”

Hopefully, Paul will take a little time away from playing Galaga and Defender with his Hari Krishna buddies down at the arcade and ponder why his part of the world is now dominated by the ideas of “rubbing dirt” on open wounds, “walking off” major knee injuries and carving a path to the White House using only fried, processed pig parts.

Monday, December 04, 2006

The Heffernans Return to Prime-Time, Beating Out Other Pilots

A coupla months back, I lamented the absence of “King of Queens” in the fall prime-time lineup. The geniuses at CBS – obviously avid Scooter & Hum readers – finally bowed to the groundswell of support for the ousted show and have agreed to put Doug, Carrie, Arthur-itis, Deac, Spence, Danny and Holly back on the air. The show debuts this season on Wednesday at 8 p.m. on CBS with back-to-back episodes, with 13 episodes slated to be aired between now and May. It sounds like these baker’s dozen will be the swan song for this hilarious show, making way for these 10 pilots:

“PunyK’d”: the tale of a blind midget publisher having tricks played on him by his employees

“Big Madre”: the tale of an irate Cuban woman running a nursery

“My Jaycee Life”: the tale of a semi-retarded redneck going on dates armed only with a box of ice cream, a coffeemaker and a hand truck

“A Hard Hobbit to Break”: the tale of a diminutive techie who is fired in new and creative ways by the Bobs from “Office Space”

“We’re All In”: the tale of a group of startup executives who base major corporate decisions on hands of Texas Hold ‘em poker

“Track Gruesome Recluse’s Kudos: TGRK”: “America’s Most Wanted”-style show following a suspected serial killer through his daily activities

• “That Liberace Had Style”: a game show in which the contestants ask 20 questions of a guest in a quest to guess his/her preference

“Fletch Got Nuthin’ On Me”: reality show depicting a habitual liar as he goes on interviews in an attempt to convince human resource departments that he is the “right guy for the job”

“Pippy Bong-Stocking”: colorful, gum-chewing free spirit bitches higher-ups into submission in an attempt to accrue as much pot money as she can while doing the least amount of work possible

“Givin’ ‘Em Dell”: video game-style show that combines “Operation” and “Donkey Kong,” requiring online viewers to attach a neck to an inanimate body, climb to the top of a building to save would-be suicide jumpers and then attempt to start a computer company using only a pitching wedge, a dradle and a chicken finger.

Honorable Mention: "Got My Back, Hack?": in a Pac Man parody, a paranoid manic-depressive maneuvers his way through stacks of his own reports in a dimly lit office, trying to find his spine. Sadly, even Fox would not touch this one.

OK, I am guessing on most of these ideas. But if they are not in development, they should be. Wait … do I smell a new “Project Greenlight” season?

Friday, December 01, 2006

Limerick Friday IX: Farewell Sweet November

After a brief hiatus, Limerick Friday is back, obviously … hell, it’s Sweeps Week! The material is rampant, so there’s no excuse for half-arsed limericks this week.

And off we go …

All of the fans Chuck thought he could fool
‘Til his team started to look like a dog’s stool
Losing to EZU at the Finley was the final straw
All you saw was fat chicks wearing purple, chewing chaw
I guess it’s back to being just a basketball school

Casie had an eventful Thanksgiving break
Went to a gigantic disco, for christ’s sake
The Cookie Monster fondled her body
Then she hooked up in a Port-A-Potty
The poor Muppit said “Dammit, I knew those were fake”

Brent’s growing a ‘porn stache for fun
Buying Amber Vision stock by the ton
His poor wife simply has to be a saint
Putting up with hi-jinx that would make most faint
What’s next? He’s auditioning for “Reno 911”

On sausage balls he chews to no end
Wears purple like he’s Barney’s “male friend”
His grammar even worse than Marco’s
Tries roofies but his dates take No-Doze
Got his degree by counting to 10 and pressing “Send”

Thinking of MSI is where the sadness begins
I miss all those farewell lunches at Bennigan’s
Luckily we’ve all moved on from there
Tho some no farther than the freaking State Fair
Now I play the triangle for the Port-A-John Shenanigans

Limerick Friday I

Limerick Friday II

Limerick Friday III

Limerick Friday IV

Limerick Friday V

Limerick Friday VI

Limerick Friday VII

Best of … Limerick Friday