ACC Tournament 2011, Part II: Heavy Hitters Dominate Quarterfinal Square-Offs

After tackling the first-day results earlier, let’s jump into the quarterfinal round. Crazy things usually happen on Friday, so let’s get to it …


QUARTERFINALS, MARCH 11

Game 5, Noon: #1 UNC vs. #9 Miami
With five of their ACC wins coming by a total of a dozen points, the Heels are vulnerable to a team that can control tempo and match up on the interior. Unfortunately for Miami, that’s not the Hurricanes.
The best the ‘Canes can hope for is that the refs call John Henson for some of his over-the-backs, travels and hacks, which would even things up in the paint, but Miami isn’t necessarily a strong perimeter team, either. Can Frank Haith’s squad get out fast enough to limit the Heels’ transition opportunities? Doubtful.

The ‘Canes are outmatched at just about every position, making this a relatively easy win for UNC, much to the chagrin of Larry Drew’s mommy. An opening-round victory would help take some of the heat off of Haith this offseason, while the question for the Tar Heels will be whether Miami can keep it close enough for long enough to force a relatively small rotation to play more minutes than Roy Williams would like in a tourney setting.



Game 6, 2 p.m.: #4 Clemson vs. #5 Boston College
Another day, another matchup of first-year head coaches. Brad Brownell has gotten the max out of a limited Tigers squad, while Steve Donahue has done the same with the Eagles. BC’s Reggie Jackson is a handful, but he can be spotty from the field, and he can caught up in the in-game battle, this time against Clemson’s Demontez Stitt.
Joe Trapani probably doesn’t get the rock enough for the Eagles, but the Tigers have a formidable inside presence with Jerai Grant.

This one’s going to be a real battle, but look for Boston College to pull off a mild upset that will cement their NCAA tourney bid and put the Tigers in an uncomfortable position come Selection Sunday. In a toss-up game that I’ve gone back and forth on, the best player on the floor, Jackson, comes up big at crunch time for the Eagles. Afterward, Brownell’s mood won’t be improved when Mike Patrick butchers his name five different ways.



Game 7, 7 p.m.: #2 Duke vs. #7 Maryland
After a humbling loss to UNC to lose the regular-season title, I expect the Blue Devils to come fired up for this one. The underrated rivalry they’ve built up with the Terrapins over the past decade or so certainly will only add to the intensity of this one. The Devils’ hand-checking aggressive perimeter defense is likely to throw off Terps frosh Terrell Stoglin, putting more pressure on big man Jordan Williams to dominate.
But Duke will have 15 fouls to throw at Williams between the Plumlee brothers and Ryan Kelly, and Kyle Singler and his dead eyes (and dead-eye shot) will finally reappear.

Maryland (with Williams’s return) is probably a year away from challenging the top of the league again, but under Gary they’ll always pose a huge threat to Duke. With Nolan Smith doing his thing, Singler showing up and strong defense stifling the Terps’ flex offense, the Devils are likely to cruise relatively easily in this one.



Game 8, 9 p.m.: #3 Florida State vs. #6 Virginia Tech
Will Chris Singleton return from injury for the Seminoles? Do the Hokies need to win this one in order to secure a trip to the NCAAs? Those will be the dominant questions headed into this intriguing matchup for Late Night in Greensboro. Few teams in the land play better defense than FSU, and that’s a nightmare scenario for the halfcourt-challenged Hokies.
The ‘Noles have the beef (and fouls) inside to neutralize Jeff Allen, and Malcolm Delaney and Erick Green will struggle to carry the load due to questionable shot selection.

This is the one the Hokies had to have, but they won’t get it. Florida State could get a huge lift from the return of Singleton, and this is the year when the ‘Noles truly believe they can make a momentous move in the conference hierarchy by taking home a banner. Seth Greenberg will probably start calling media outlets from the bench late in the game to lobby for his VT team to get in the Big Dance, but it’s not going to help as FSU wins.



Keep an eye out for Part III, where we’ll take a look at Semifinals Saturday and Finals Sunday. Cheers …

ACC Tournament 2011, Part I: Opening Day (Good Seating Available)

If you’ve been following along (and if you haven’t, wtf), you saw our tourney seeding breakdown (part I and part II) the other day. We also have a nice little history -- well, 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010, anyway -- of attempting to predict the ACC Tournament brackets as well, with little to no success. Undeterred, however, we’re giving it another shot this year, starting in our Part I, which covers the opening day/night.

Without further ado …


FIRST ROUND, MARCH 10


Game 1, Noon: #8 Virginia vs. #9 Miami
A nine-seed over an eight isn’t really an upset in the ACC Tournament, but I do see the ‘Canes outlasting the Cavaliers in this one. Sure, UVa is coming in on something of a hot streak, but how long can they really count on busted-leg, walk-on-ish Will Sherrill to drain triples and the four-guard offense to flourish in a tourney setting? Expect Miami to go inside early and often to Reggie Johnson to get Virginia’s lone inside presence, Assane Sene, in foul trouble.
That will open up plenty of opportunities for Malcolm Grant & Co. to take advantage of a Wahoos defense that employs pressure strategies around Sene’s shot-blocking at the rim.

The Hurricanes prevail in a victory that will be underrated in its importance for coach Frank Haith’s future in Coral Gables. Virginia coach Tony Bennett and Farrahkhan’s father, Louis, commiserate by undertaking a karaoke duet at a downtown G’boro dive bar.



Game 2, 2 p.m.: #5 Boston College vs. #12 Wake Forest
I’ll reiterate that I’ve never seen an ACC team as bad as the Deacs this year, so this one will be pretty quick. Reggie Jackson, Joe Trapani and B.J. Raji have all the focus and discipline that Wake doesn’t in this matchup of first-year head coaches.
Perhaps the lone bright spot for the Demon Deacons has been All-Rookie standout Travis McKie, but he has nowhere near enough help to offset Boston College’s experienced, veteran crew.

Throw in the fact that the Eagles are a bubble team in need of a strong showing in Greensboro and this is as no-brainer a pick as I can recall in ACC Tournament bracketology: BC rolls in front of about 900 fans or so. Wake athletics director Ron Wellman and football coach Jim Grobe share a hearty chuckle in a quiet corner in the rafters.



Game 3, 7 p.m.: #7 Maryland vs. #10 NC State
Sidney Lowe has made (part of) his coaching reputation on the seeingly annual runs that his Wolfpack makes at the ACC Tournament. He’s led State to the verge of a breakout postseason triumph a couple of times in his tenure, but there is no way to spin the fact that he has completely lost this version of the Pack. Right now, NC State’s a bad mix of veterans with glaring holes in their games, youngsters who make mind-numbing mistakes and gritty types who can’t overcome a lack of athleticism.
Gary Williams has owned State, and with Jordan Williams dominating a limping and weary Tracy Smith on the interior and Terrell Stoglin showing who is the best freshman guard in the conference this year, that won’t change in this one.

The Sidney Lowe Era ends not with a bang, but a whimper, as there is nothing to indicate that State has the intestinal fortitude or respect for their coach to be able to replicate the tourney magic of previous seasons. But at least C.J. Leslie will memorialize the experience in a poem after another 3-for-14, five-turnover “effort.” Terps by 14.



Game 4, 9 p.m.: #6 Virginia Tech vs. #11 Georgia Tech
The Yellow Jackets have their own dead man walking in coach Paul Hewitt, and one would think that with the Hokies in desperate need of a couple of victories in Greensboro, Virginia Tech should roll. However, with Iman Shumpert suiting up for GT, he always gives the Jackets a chance to pull a big upset—depending on which Glenn Rice Jr. shows up for GTech.
Seniors Malcolm Delaney and Jeff Allen don’t want to let their final shot at the Big Dance slip through their fingers, so this could be a surprisingly intense game, even though few will be watching due to the late hour and the non-North Carolina matchup.

In a contest that’s likely to be much closer than anticipated, VT finds a way to pull through for Stanley Tucci’s doppleganger, coach Seth Greenberg. Hewitt is left to sigh his way through the Greensboro night, cursing the name of Jarrett Jack.

Point your clicky thing here for Part II (the quarterfinals) ...

Fighting For Relevance: ACC Tournament Seeding Breakdown, Part II

Earlier, in Part I, we took a look at the top six seeds as the league and 4,000 fans descend on Greensboro for the ACC Tournament. In Part II, we analyze the disappointing, the bottom-dwelling, the up-and-coming and the middle of the pack: the bottom six seeds of the conference tourney.

Giddyup.

#7 Maryland (18-13, 7-9)
One gets the impression that Gary Williams would have liked to have centered (pun intended) his club around sophomore big man Jordan Williams, then relied on his experienced veterans (seniors Adrian Bowie, Cliff Tucker and Dino Gregory, plus junior Sean Mosley) to balance out the attack. Fortunately, rookie guard Terrell Stoglin also proved to be a dynamite newcomer; unfortunately for the Terps, those upperclassmen never gave consistent-enough contributions, allowing teams to double-down on Williams inside. The result was an up-and-down compaign in College Park, though there is hope for the future with Stoglin leading a promising group of four freshmen. Williams is a strong tourney coach, but the Terrapins are too inconsistent to make any kind of sustained run in Greensboro ... leaving Gary more time to eat buffalo wings as a spectator this year.

#8 Virginia (16-14, 7-9)
On the strength of winning four of their last five games to conclude the regular season, the Wahoos are a potentially dangerous matchup at the ACC Tournament. Virginia usually relies on a four-guard lineup around seven-footer Assane Sene, making the Cavaliers vulnerable to frontcourt-focused clubs, but when they’re knocking down treys, UVa can be very tough. Guards Mustapha Farrakhan, Sammy Zyglinski and Joe Harris are flighty on offense, but fit nicely in the Cavs’ defense-oriented approach. Former walk-on Will Sherrill gave Virginia a late-season lift as well. The ‘Hoos are a nice story, but are likely to run out of gas in Greensboro no matter how often coach Tony Bennett sings “I Wanna Be Around” …

#9 Miami (18-13, 6-10)
Folks have been waiting on coach Frank Haith’s breakthrough season in Coral Gables for quite a while now, and most expected a better campaign this year. Big man Reggie Johnson has improved by leaps and bounds, and there are intriguing pieces in Adrian Thomas, Malcolm Grant, DeQuan Jones and Durand Scott, but the ‘Canes always seem to be a playmaker away. Miami never seemed to recover from an early stretch of four straight losses by four points or less, and Haith has had trouble imprinting an identity on his Hurricanes squads. Haith would appear to be on safe ground for at least another year, but his ‘Canes team has shown nothing to indicate they’ll be a factor in Greensboro.

#10 NC State (15-15, 5-11)
There is no argument that can be made against the fact that State is the most disappointing team in the ACC. From lackluster defense to mind-numbing shot selection to late-game disappearing acts, the Pack has proven only that they are capable of 10 good minutes of play per game. There would appear to be a huge disconnect between coach Sidney Lowe’s staff and the players, and that would appear to be an issue that is resolved with an imminent coaching change. The most frustrating part for Wolfpack followers is that there are a lot of disparate talent that just don’t jibe well, from Tracy Smith to Lorenzo Brown to C.J. Leslie to Scott Wood. Mix in a lack of leadership from the roster and the staff and there is simply no reason to suggest that the Pack will make one of their patented ACC Tournament “mini-runs” this year.

#11 Georgia Tech (13-17, 5-11)
Iman Shumpert is perhaps the league’s most underrated player and Glen Rice Jr. can score in bunches, but outside of those two, the Yellow Jackets have fallen on difficult times in the final days of coach Paul Hewitt’s tenure in Atlanta. The blowout win over UNC feels like a million years ago, which coincidentally is about how long it seems like Hewitt has been on the hot seat. Can he muster up enough motivation for one more run in the conference tourney? Shumpert can do a lot on his own, but he just doesn’t have enough help to make GT anything more than a one-and-out team this year.

#12 Wake Forest (8-23, 1-15)
I don’t know whether there is a huge culture clash between Air Force import Jeff Bzdelik and his coaching staff and the players he inherited. I don’t know whether years of no-defense, shoot-it-quick approaches in Winston-Salem have caught up to the talent base. I don’t know all the variables that had to converge to drop the bottom completely out of the Demon Deacons program. All I know is that this is the worst team I’ve seen in the ACC. Ever. And that’s about the nicest I can manage in this space, so I’ll just leave it there.

Stick around for the tourney predictions tomorrow. Until then, cherish this time, in case the NFL really does enter a lockout.

Fighting For Relevance: ACC Tournament Seeding Breakdown, Part I

Though you can expect to see a slew of articles decrying the demise of the league tourney and the gradual decline of the conference as a whole, there’s still a bit of magic left in the event that is the ACC Tournament. In the past few years (2007, 2008 and 2009), we’ve broken down the tournament by seed before rolling out some predictions.

In Part I here, we’ll take a quick snapshot of the top six seeds, and then we’ll tackle the bottom six in Part II later.

Have at it:

#1 UNC (24-6, 14-2 in the ACC)
Count me among those who is super-surprised at how effective the Tar Heels have been during the bulk of the regular season. Say what you will about how down the ACC is (and it is, indeed, way down), UNC has won a bunch of nail-biters and knocked off Duke to take home the regular-season crown. There are still huge questions about the perimeter shooting and whether John “Black Gumby” Henson will continue to get the protection he gets from ACC refs, making the Heels a candidate for an upset at some point. But the team has jelled even after losing the Wear twins, Will Graves, Larry Drew and Reggie Bullock, thanks to the arrival of Kendall Marshall and the maturation of Harrison Barnes (who still takes a lot of ill-advised shots). If UNC continues to shoot the way they did late in the season and can avoid foul trouble on the interior, they’re going to be awfully tough to beat in Greensboro.

#2 Duke (27-4, 13-3)
Simply put, the Devils will go exactly as far as three-point shooting takes them. Nolan Smith, easily the ACC’s best player, has become Duke’s only threat from 20 feet in, and he has turned himself into a tremendous playmaker and finisher. Kyle “Creepy” Singler disappeared in the latter half of the conference slate, while Seth Curry seems to live only to light up UNC. The Plumlee brothers give the Blue Devils a formidable presence on the defensive end, but they can’t score and Ryan Kelly just isn’t ready for prime time. In the backcourt, foul-machine Tyler Thornton and Andre Dawkins aren’t much more than role players. The lack of a pure point guard has hurt Duke badly, which means that Smith could carry this team to the ACC title, but he’s going to need Singler to get off the milk box and into the game.

#3 Florida State (21-9, 11-5)
The Seminoles undeniably have a lot of pieces, but in my estimation they lack the go-to guy needed to win a crunch-time game in a tourney setting. Derwin Kitchen is coming out of his shell somewhat, but is still tentative on the offense end, while backcourt mate Deividas Dulkys has lost his long-range stroke, but still plays strong defense. Ian Miller is giving them instant offense as the third guard, while Xavier Gibson, John Kreft and Chris Weinke’s black twin, Bernard James, give the ‘Noles a formidable front line. Throw in key players like Michael Snaer, Luke Loucks and Okaro White, and it’s easy to see how FSU put together such a strong campaign even after Chris Singleton went down. If the rumors are true and Singleton ends up playing in Greensboro, Florida State can make some noise, but they feel more like a semifinalist with Leonard Hamilton drawing up late-game strategy.

#4 Clemson (20-10, 9-7)
Brad Brownlee has done a tremendous job in his first season with the Tigers, even if some of his late-season comments suggest he’s got an awful lot to learn about how the ACC works. Big man Jerai Grant is one of the league’s most improved players, and he’s getting help up front from versatile Devin Booker, the enigmatic Milton Jennings and the pesky Bryan Narcisse. At guard, Demontez Stitt always seems to play well in the ACC Tournament, while Andre Young has turned himself into a viable perimeter threat and the annoying Tanner Smith gives great minutes as well. The Tigers have been overachievers under Brownlee and a victory in the ACC Tournament would likely cement an NCAA berth, but it’s hard to envision them as a contender for the tourney championship this year.

#5 Boston College (19-11, 9-7)
Behind a tremendous campaign from Reggie Jackson, the Eagles have been perhaps the surprise team of the conference. Jackson is a dynamic, do-it-all performer from his guard spot, and he is aided by frontcourt senior standouts Joe Trapani and B.J. Raji. Josh Southern and Biko Paris are two more seniors who give this veteran squad (an unheard-of 11 upperclassmen, including eight seniors) a lot of complementary pieces. After a midseason lull that saw BC lose four of five, the Eagles finished strong with three straight victories. Can Jackson lift the team through the ACC Tournament? Possibly, but at the very least, this is the kind of squad that no one wants to see on the other side of the bracket in Greensboro, where Al Skinner’s teeth will certainly be missed.

#6 Virginia Tech (19-10, 9-7)
Coach Seth Greenberg could make a lucrative career as an endorser of bath soaps, because this is one bald man who lives life on the bubble. Improbably, VT overcame a slew of early-season injuries to seemingly punch their dance card with a primetime victory over Duke, but then suffered disastrous losses to fellow fringe teams Boston College (at home) and Clemson to end the regular season. Seniors Malcolm Delaney and Jeff Allen give the Hokies as good an inside-outside duo as you’ll find in the league, and Erick Green and Victor Davila also lend some firepower to a team that can bog down badly in the halfcourt offense. If tattoos were worth points, Virginia Tech would be in great shape, but this hasn’t traditionally been a strong tourney team under Greenberg, and an early loss will likely leave the Hokies yet again on the outside looking in come NCAA Tournament time.

Head on to part II now ...

Preach It ...

Spot on.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVI: Sheen Is Dying, Not Hilarious, Plus Press Box Cheering Gets You Unemployed

The train wreck that is Charlie Sheen
Can’t look away from this crime scene
He must have Keith Richards’s blood
Because now his name is mud
His issues aren’t laughable, they’re obscene

Brandon Davies got shown the door
Then #3 BYU got run off the floor
In the SEC, UNC, athletes get paid
BYU suspends you for getting laid
Sad, but NCAA could use this integrity and more

Faux News ain’t worth a wet poot
Yet they decided to get rid of Newt
Also jettisoned Rick Santorum
Both with a lack of decorum
But can’t earn legitimacy with a boot

An outcome that we all hate
But sealed is Sid’s fate
No reason Pack’s the worst
You read it here first:
A good coach is coming to State

Rule: no cheering in press box
SI racing guy had a head full o’ rocks
Both unprofessional and rude
So you got shit-canned, dude
Writing talks, bullshit walks

Last time …

"The Kings Speech" Re-Envisioned ...

Tyson. W. What took so long for these two to join forces?

Epicness.

Correcting The Fallacies Surrounding Wolfpack Hoops

"If you call one wolf, you invite the pack."
-- Bulgarian proverb

For the last 20 years or so, State’s been considered the redheaded stepchild of Tobacco Road basketball, used to being told by outsiders what can and cannot be expected of its program. In the last month or so, that has led a litany of has-been and never-will media types, along with some respected reporters, to declare open season on the Pack.

They took on a wounded fanbase that has been sparring with the hometown newspaper, rivals, the media and basically all comers for a quarter of a century. They’ve minimized a job that isn’t vacant, they’ve taken potshots at a struggling program, they’ve attempted to rewrite history for a school that has a storied past. All to poke the bear—or the wolf, in this case -- that is Wolfpack Nation, in hopes of getting ratings, hits and attention.

It worked. Sort of.

It certainly earned attention, with most of the mistruths, misconceptions and outright lies being lost in the chorus of raised voices and me-too journalism that forces lazy writers to piggyback on semi-stories. At least until the area’s most knowledgeable and best sportswriter, Al Featherston, had heard enough and decided to head to Duke Basketball Report to set the record straight.

I can’t add much, if anything, to what Al has already produced in his tremendous column. But I do have some thoughts on the matter, mostly cultivated over the course of covering Pack athletics in some form or fashion over the last decade or more. And I have to place this in the context of having all kinds of respect for Sidney Lowe, for what he did as a player at NC State and all of the contributions he’s worked hard to make as a coach. He continues to lead the Wolfpack hoops program, so I’ll couch much of this as a “what if” column.

Anyway, here are five fallacies that I’ve seen develop around the State program over the last few years, most of them largely unchallenged and most of them unsubstantiated in any way whatsoever. Here goes:


Fallacy #1: Herb Sendek Was Pushed Out

Pushed out. Fired. Forced to resign. Dismissed. Encouraged to leave. Replaced with a more attractive candidate. All misinformed characterizations of how Sendek’s era at NC State ended, at best; lies at worst. Enough already. You won’t find any knowledgeable basketball observer who wouldn’t agree that Sendek is a good coach; however, his personality and approach are likely better fits in the desert, where he is currently busy enough with his own hot seat.

You can bundle another, related fallacy under this one: that coaches around the nation somehow hold some type of grudge against NC State for how Sendek was treated. As laughable as it is off-base, this one couldn’t be further from the truth. There are only so many major-conference coaching positions available in this sport and in this land; you really think a coach worth his salt who is confident in his abilities would pass up one of those spots because of a media perception that someone named Herb got a raw deal in Raleigh? Is anyone gullible enough to get hooked like a fish by that one?


Fallacy #2: No One Wanted the NC State Job in 2005

You have to love lazy, revisionist history. So I’ll keep this one pretty short: Under athletics director Lee Fowler, State was involved with John Calipari, Rick Barnes, John Beilein and Steve Lavin, among others, with various degrees of interest or reciprocation. So to say that “no one” wanted the job is kind of, well, not smart.

You could argue -- compellingly, from my point of view -- that Fowler did a poor job of conducting the coaching search five years ago. But that is a separate and distinct issue from whether or not the job was viewed as attractive or desirous at that point in time. In fact, quite to the contrary of what many media pundits think, I actually feel that folks would be pretty surprised at how many “name” coaches would be and are highly intrigued by the NC State job.


Fallacy #3: Wolfpack Fans Expect Too Much

Being vocal is never a bad thing. Look around the country at the programs that are calling out for a coaching change or more success. Heck, how about a closer example: How about UNC when Matt Doherty was embarrassing the school, program and legacy? Were Tar Heel fans portrayed as bad fans for expecting different and more? What many miss is that years of being third fiddle and expecting the worst has actually created a generation of defeatist Wolfpack "fans" who have managed to combine rooting and mocking in a sad, tired, repetitive way.

The corollary to this fallacy is that Wolfpack fans will only settle for Duke- and UNC-level success. Not at all so; believe it or not, the vast majority of Pack backers understand that you need to crawl before you can walk. The fanbase wants a top-25-caliber program that consistently earns postseason inclusion and is at least competitive with its neighbors; if that is somehow expecting too much, than there are about 91.7% of college basketball fans around the country who are going to be sorely disappointed to hear that.

And what is more rational? For a program with no history of success anywhere in their background to hope for national relevance? Or for a program with a storied past to hope for a return to glory? All fans have a right to hope for a place in the national pecking order, as unlikely as it may be; and maybe, just maybe, NC State fans have more of a right to expect that than most.

Are Wolfpack fans passionate about their basketball? Absolutely. Does it occasionally go overboard? Sure. Does it make the fanbase an easy target for folks looking to fill airtime or online space? Definitely. But is it something that can be seen as a detriment to hiring a good coach? Of course not.


Fallacy #4: State Can’t Compete with UNC and Duke

In what context? On the court? The Pack plays UNC twice a year, but usually only has one matchup with Duke. Factor in a possible ACC Tournament matchup, and let’s just say that’s five games against the Heels and Blue Devils per season. That leaves 30 or more contests against teams not wearing those particular shades of blue.

In recruiting? Do you know how many scholarship kids NC State has on the roster from the state of North Carolina? Two. How about UNC? Also two. Well, what about Duke? Two as well. The truth is that all three schools recruit on a national scale, so they aren’t necessarily competing for the same players as often as folks would like to believe.

The reality is that, yes, matching what the programs are doing down the street in Chapel Hill and Durham would be great. But this perception that NC State can’t be great because it is already “too crowded” on Tobacco Road is patently ridiculous. There is always room for excellence—and it is never based on what other people are doing.


Fallacy #5: NC State is Not an Attractive Job

* The RBC Center.
* A vibrant fanbase.
* The Dail Practice Facility.
* Two national championship banners in the rafters.
* The OPPORTUNITY to compete against UNC and Duke, not necessarily the OBSTACLE.
* One of the most highly thought of cities in America.
* And say what you will about the ACC being overrated for the last decade or more (no argument here), it’s still a highly respected basketball conference.

To say that the head basketball coach position at NC State doesn’t have an awful lot of built-in advantages is sheer ignorance. Tobacco Road isn’t for the faint of heart; nobody is disputing that. Heck, Herb Sendek learned that over his decade in Raleigh. But that doesn’t preclude every good coach and personality; it only means that it takes a certain kind of coach and a certain kind of personality.

Every year when the NFL Draft approaches, one of the gurus makes the comment that it doesn’t matter if 32 teams like you or not; it only matters if one does. The same goes for the coaching search. So what if, as the national media “experts” swear that the coaching community hasn’t “forgiven” NC State for “firing” Herb Sendek. Not only is that statement patently ridiculous on many levels, but who cares? All it takes is one coach—the RIGHT coach—to see beyond the fallacies surrounding the Wolfpack program and appreciate it for what it is: a great job in a great area at a great school in a strong conference. New athletics director Debbie Yow understands that old sales credo of “Hope is not an option”; and is ready to sell all that State has to offer in an effort to ensure that the Pack is in good hands going forward.

So as the talk of ugly ducklings and comparisons to Khloe Kardashian persist, it’s become quite apparent that there are too many faux “journalists” who don’t spend quite enough time actually, you know, researching their subjects -- and spend a little too much time watching bad reality shows and misunderstanding children’s fairy tales.

Bukowski’s “Ham On Rye” Pulls No Punches In Portrayal of Depression-Era L.A.

“I hated all the god-damned people who were sunbathing or in the water or eating or sleeping or talking or throwing beachballs. I hated their behinds and their faces and their elbows and their hair and their eyes and their bellybuttons and their bathing suits … The whole earth was nothing but mouths and assholes swallowing and shitting, and fucking.”

“So, that’s what they wanted: lies. Beautiful lies. That’s what they needed. People were fools. It was going to be easy for me.”

“We were the way we were, and we didn’t want to be anything else. We all came from Depression families and most of us were ill-fed, yet we had grown up to be huge and strong. Most of us, I think, got little love from our families, and we didn’t ask for love or kindness from anybody. We were a joke but people were careful not to laugh in front of us. It was as if we had grown up too soon and we were bored with being children. We had no respect for our elders. We were like tigers with the mange.”

I don’t really remember who recommended or where I found a recommendation to Charles Bukowksi, but I do know he ended up on my reading list somehow. After all, sometimes I use Amazon’s Wish List as kind of a notes/placeholder deal, putting intriguing items on there for closer scrutiny later. Well, at Christmastime two of Bukowski’s books ended up in my lap as gifts, so I figured, “What the heck, let’s give this dude a shot.”

Smart move, Scooter. Smart move.

I found “Ham on Rye” to be eminently quotable (as you’ll see for yourself), a no-holds-barred, not-so-semi-autobiographical account of Bukowski’s own upbringing, childhood and adolescence in Depression Era Los Angeles. Bukowski’s rapid, abrupt, clipped sentences lend to the story’s tremendous pacing, while his accounts of rampant racism, violence and abuse are alternately horrifying and hilarious, forcing an open-mindedness in the reading.

Written in 1982, Bukowski somewhat ironically dedicates the book “for all the fathers,” despite the fact that his father is an abusive, sociopathic, warped, cheating man who demonstrates no traces of love or respect for his lone child. Despite the fact that the father is terrifying in many ways, he is also incredibly funny in others; think “Shit My Dad Says” gone horribly wrong and abusive.

“‘The trouble is that there are too many Chinks. When you kill a Chink he splits in half and becomes two Chinks.’
‘How come their skin is yellow?’
‘Because instead of drinking water they drink their own pee-pee.’
‘Daddy, don’t tell the boy that!’
‘Then tell him to stop asking questions.’”

“‘He just stares. He’s so quiet.’
‘That’s the way we want him.’
‘Still water runs deep.’
‘Not with this one. The only thing that runs deep with him are the holes in his ears.’”

“He was the dark covering the sun, the violence of him made everything else utterly disappear … I felt that even the sun belonged to my father, that I had no right to it because it was shining upon my father’s house. I was like his roses, something that belonged to him and not to me …”

The lead character, Henry Chinaski, encounters a series of demented characters that are either pitiful, violent or both, with both of those attributes permeating most of the story. The endless series of verbal and physical hammerings at the hands of his father quickly turn Henry into an outcast, misanthropic, no-shit-taking cynic at an almost impossibly young age. His disturbed views of sex and relationships hover over almost every encounter he has with people of both sexes throughout the story. (side note: Did Bukowski ever draw the lines between his incessant beatings at the hands of his father in the bathroom to his complex about going to the bathroom and it being “dirty”?)

It seems that Henry has a sense of going through life without an instruction book that everyone else had been issued at birth (“Everybody knew something I didn’t know” and “What a weary time those years were -- to have the desire and the need to live but not the ability.”).

“There was always somebody pushing me who had no right to push … What did they want? Why was I in their way?”

“There was no sense to life, to the structure of things … You needed love, but not the kind of love most people used and were used up by.”


As a result, Henry develops a firm hatred of entitlement and the entitled.

“But I had this feeling inside of me that something real was there. Just hardened shit, maybe, but that was more than they had … As I watched them I said to myself, someday my dance will begin. When that day comes I will have something that they don’t have.”

“Yet, despite their smooth untouched bodies and minds they still were missing something because they were as yet basically untested. When adversity finally arrived in their lives it might come too late or too hard. I was ready. Maybe.”

“They were soft, they had never faced any fire. They were beautiful nothings. They made me sick. I hated them. They were part of the nightmare that always haunted me in one form or another.”

Despite the barren, unfortunate circumstances cast in the light of the Depression, Bukowksi manages to add humor at almost every level, even in situations where laughs would seem to be almost impossible to accomplish. Early on, Henry reminds a little of Ralphie from “Christmas Story,” with his hilarious daydreams of sports heroism and his creative writings about physically scarred heroes with true beauty just underneath the surface (“ … since some people had told me that I was ugly, I always preferred shade to the sun, darkness to light.”).

Yet the overriding sense is that every person Henry comes in contact with is either mean or criminal, which may be a reflection of the era of extreme poverty (“The poor had a right to fuck their way through their bad dreams. Sex and drink, and maybe love, was all they had.”) in which the story is set. From harsh, evil schoolkids (“At Delsey we had a code. We never made a sound. Even the sissies took their beatings silently.”) to brushes with perverts and child molesters, to drunk seventh-graders to first-graders attempting to have sex, Bukowski seems to be trying hard to show man’s inhumanity to man (throwing in a parable-ish description of the entrapment of a cat for the purpose of a bulldog killing it).

“Not only did the grownups get mean, the kids got mean, and even the animals got mean. It was like they took their cue from the people.”

“Why did the guys need this? This wasn’t a matter of courage, it was just dirty play. Where were the grownups? Where were the authorities? They were always around accusing me. Now where were they? … The knowledge that I didn’t have the courage to do what was necessary made me feel terrible.”

“That cat wasn’t only facing the bulldog, it was facing Humanity.”

Bukowski has no problem taking on very anti-establishment, controversial, untouchable traditional issues such as religion (including a dog baptism), sexuality (involving a retarded kid masturbating in the middle of class every day to a teacher who continues to show leg and doesn’t stop it), deformation (Henry contracts an almost inconceivable case of adolescent acne and boils that makes you pity him even when he acts like a prick) and animal torture (and worse). Henry becomes so jaded (“When you’re bad you didn’t pretend, it was just there. I liked being bad. Trying to be good made me sick.”) that he quickly rejects any achievement whatsoever, even physically and metaphorically throwing a medal in the sewer at one point. He even leans toward Nazism almost sheerly out of contrarianism during his ill-fated stints in higher education.

“She had her skirt pulled especially high, it was terrifying, beautiful, wondrous and dirty. Such legs, such thighs, we were very close to the magic … The skirt was so high, pulled back, we all prayed for a glimpse of panty, a glimpse of something, Jesus Christ, it was like the world ending and beginning and ending again, it was everything real and unreal, the sun, the thighs, and the silk, so smooth, so warm, so alluring. The whole room throbbed.”

“That’s what made it so good and so terrible: the fact that she pretended that it wasn’t happening.”

“Getting drunk was good. I decided that I would always like getting drunk. It took away the obvious and maybe if you could get away from the obvious often enough, you wouldn’t become obvious yourself.”

“Drink was the only thing that kept a man from feeling forever stunned and useless. Everything else just kept picking and picking, hacking away. And nothing was interesting, nothing. The people were restrictive and careful, all alike. And I’ve got to live with these fuckers for the rest of my life, I thought.”


For me, Henry’s sexuality came into question near the end. As Henry devolved into a mid-20s drifter (and a hysterical drunk) who is still a virgin, I found myself wondering if he was gay, or at least a misogynist. He becomes nauseous at the prospect of being with his friend Jimmy’s mother, Clare, after he continued pursuing her and she eventually relented, and he seems to identify most with and maybe even be attracted to Becker. Finally, we are left with a somewhat sudden and forbidding ending as World War II begins in earnest for the US and we see Becker departing for the war as Henry continues to wander around, searching for meaning in empty arcades and emptier competitions.

“I wasn’t interested in world history, only my own. What crap. Your parents controlled your growing-up period, they pissed all over you. Then when you got ready to go out on your own, the others wanted to stick you into a uniform so you could get your ass shot off.”

“I felt I had to win. It seemed very important. I didn’t know why it was so important and I kept thinking, why do I think this is so important?
“And another part of me answered, just because it is.”

“Ham on Rye” was unquestionably a disturbing and depressing book, but also brave and unflinching, painting a rare picture of the Depression with no apologies or pretensions. In terms of the writing, it became very adolescent-oriented and highly sexualized (“Her breasts were something that no mere mortal would ever see—they were only for kings, dictators, rulers, Filipinos.”) in many parts, and a couple of typos here and there were a bit jarring as well. Yet the use of Henry as our eyes and ears was a brilliant technique by Bukowski: Henry is so ostracized that he exists almost outside of the world, observing and commenting on it instead of being actively involved and within it. That’s probably why the story also comes across as being largely about hiding and waiting (“I wallowed there in the dark, waiting for something.”).

Distilled all the way down, this is essentially a book about getting hit so many times that you’re numb physically, mentally, literally and figuratively—yet you never give up your willingness to keep getting back up after falling down. If you can get past the brutal, stark harshness of it all, you may even find, as I did, a belief that “Ham on Rye” deserves perhaps a higher stature in the catalogues of American literature.

“You’ve given me a supreme test with my parents and with these boils. I think that I have passed Your test. I am tougher than You. If You will come down here right now, I will spit into your face, if You have a face. And do You shit? … I think that You have been picking on me too much so I am asking You to come down here so I can put You to the test!”

“‘Maybe after a few beers I’ll beat the shit out of you.’
‘We’re friends, Hank.’
‘I don’t have any friends. Drink up!’”

“The problem was you had to keep choosing between one evil or another, and no matter what you chose, they sliced a little bit more off you, until there was nothing left. At the age of 25 most people were finished. A whole god-damned nation of assholes driving automobiles, eating, having babies, doing everything in the worst way possible, like voting for the presidential candidate who reminded them most of themselves.”

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXV: Reaching New Lowes In Raleigh, Plus Turmoil Continues Internationally

Zeller flopping like a Dookie kid
Henson asking for an elbow to the lid
Another last-second collapse for State
Against the team they most hate
The T was way too late, Sid

Murders in the Middle East
Oppression of those who have least
Freedom’s price too high?
Violence that makes you ask, “Why?”
Don’t stop ‘til the gunfire’s ceased

Carmelo headed to the Knicks
Traded for a collection of hicks
Isaiah involved at the end of the day
Dude’s an epic fail in every way
The NBA is about dunks and bricks

A quick trip to see Uncle Ben
LaGuardia, Connecticut, back again
We braved all the New York roadies
So Ube could meet all the Cody’s
100 years old? Here’s to 110!

A magnitude of 6.3
Destroying every building and tree
103 lost in the ‘quake
Devastation in its wake
New Zealand, best hopes for thee

Last time …

“Iron Man 2” Is Like “Iron Man” But With Scarlett’s 2 And A “2” At The End

“Iron Man 2” was the in-flight entertainment on a nine-hour flight from England, so as someone who has huge struggles sleeping on a plane, I sort of had to watch it. Having seen the first movie and been kind of ambivalent about it, I didn’t go into the viewing with lofty expectations -- and I wasn’t disappointed.

Scarlett Johansson certainly added immensely to the scenery and Don Cheadle is one of my favorite actors and I find Sam Rockwell amusing, but at this point I just find Mickey Rourke creepy terrifying. The dynamic between Robert Downey Jr. (Tony Stark) and Gwyneth Paltrow (Pepper Potts) was a bit ill-defined in "Iron Man 2," by design I’m sure, so it was hard to get a handle on whether they were dating or not and how the flirting with Natalie/Natasha (Scarlett) was supposed to be taken.

But in the end, I simply couldn’t escape the impression that I had seen this all before -- and in a very real sense, I had. Basically, the plot goes something like this: dude is on top, dude makes some bad decisions, dude has a nervous breakdown, dude imposes self-exile, dude is at bottom, dude rallies, dude is back on top, dude sort of gets girl. And for me, there is no special effect that can overcome the feeling that you’ve seen this before … and didn’t like it the first time.

5 Things I Learned From Watching “The Last Song”

1. Hannah Montana has a weird mouth and teeth.

2. Something really bad and unreported must have happened to Greg Kinnear’s career.

3. I’m still not convinced it isn’t the same movie as “Dear John.”

4. Kelly Preston is getting old, and that makes me sad inside.

5. This is what happens when the movie rights to a book are sold before the book is actually fucking written.

[that is all]

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIV: Farewell to Uncle Leo, Plus What It Means To Be From Alabama

Got upset when Jerry dissed
Fake eyebrows made him look pissed
Son Jeffrey’s job made him proud
He said “HELLO!” really loud
Uncle Leo, you’ll always be missed

Sure, Regis is old as dirt
But his humor is witty and curt
His retirement caused some furor
But all I know for sure:
Kelly Ripa’s career is gonna be hurt

For his signature, they were offering a bounty
The state of college football makes me frowny
An 18-year-old too big for his jock
Fittingly, he’ll be a Gamecock
“30 for 30: Whatever Happened to Jadeveon Clowney?”

Covering Egypt? A reporter’s job perk
Mubarak left, crowds went berserk
But then celebration turned to hate
Laura Logan assaulted and rescued too late
Democracy for subhumans? Won’t work

Auburn cheated for a title, but jeez
You poison their Toomer’s Corner trees?
The degenerate douche has been found
When led away, heard all ‘round:
“Roll Tide!” and “Mind my red neck, please”

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 39

#1
Say hello to Canna Cola, the so-called “pot soda.” But shouldn’t it be packaged with a bag of Funyuns?

#2
If you’ve flown anywhere recently (boy, are my arms tired, ha ha hee hee ho ho), you have gained an appreciation of the beauty in air travel that is possible when you don’t have any luggage. The ScotteVest can accompany you ‘round the world sans suitcases … though it may garner you a couple of askew looks from airport security, if you’re willing to risk that sort of thing.

#3
This seems like a lot of research to find out the game Ferris Bueller attended in the movie, but … it’s sort of worth it, too, in terms of flat-out awesomeness.

#4
Desmond Howard vs. Phil Simms would be better than any boxing match I’ve seen in years. In fact, let’s make it a thing: the Announcers Boxing Federation (ABF). Am I the only one who would pay to see one-eyed Stuart Scott square off against Dan “Captain Obvious” Dierdorf? Who’s with me?

#5
As a corollary to #1, I introduce you to “Marijuanaman,” the comic brainchild of one Ziggy Marley. I really have nothing to add here.

#6
I’m certainly not one who is going to tell a guy where to live, but I do understand some of the controversy surrounding the decision of Saints coach Sean Peyton to move from New Orleans to Dallas. The Times-Picayune's Jeff Duncan nails the sentiment perfectly when he writes, “New Orleans is the most proudly provincial city in America, and there’s no room for fence-sitters in post-Katrina New Orleans. You’re all in or you’re all out.”

#7
The camera caught this kid on the concourse during a recent ACC hoops game, and I thought he looked so much like Penn State coach Joe Paterno that I did a triple-take. I'm calling him Mini JoPa.


#8
I’m too tired and depressed about the Mets and baseball in general to even make a compelling joke about the team’s $300 million Ponzi scheme. How sad is that?

#9
Put me in the corner of those who didn’t quite get all the fawning over what would have been Ronald Reagan’s 100th birthday. Maybe I’m just a little more aware of the many myths surrounding his presidency than some.

#10
Why has no one else noticed that UNC freshman Kendall Marshall looks exactly like former Tar Heels douche Jason Capel? While it will be hard for anyone to be as epically annoying as Capel was (is?) considering how high he set the bar, anyone nicknamed “K-Butter” certainly gives himself a shot.

Somewhere, Under the Rainbow ...

Eisenberg Lifts “The Social Network” To Unexpected Heights

Despite being aware of this movie and talking about it here since last July, due to work, family and life in general, I was late to the “The Social Network” party. However, after being bombarded with recommendations from all directions, I was able to take this one in recently. While it was a bit different than what I was anticipating in regards to atmosphere and pacing, I found it fairly amazing how a tale about a computer geek (based on a nonfiction book called “The Accidental Billionaires” by Ben Mezrich) was elevated to such a tremendous film.

The first thing I found jarring about this movie was the soundtrack. The foreboding music was very unique and off-putting, seemingly lending itself more to a horror flick than anything else. Also, the opening scene was an interesting choice by director David Fincher; it certainly gave you no time to slowly evaluate the Mark Zuckerberg character. The back-and-forth in the breakup scene gave a not-so-subtle insight into the fact that Zuckerberg was a social inept, narcissistic control freak. I also found it amusing that the actress who played his girlfriend is named Rooney Mara—that’s a name only an NFL aficionado could love.

Fincher’s tremendous pacing quickly launches you into the story of Facebook, which on the surface sounds like it wouldn’t be so enthralling. However, the tale is weaved with so much unexpected intensity that the movie flies past.

Fincher and screenplay writer Aaron Sorkin seek to prove that, like just about every big invention in the history of the world, Facebook was really about impressing a girl. While the facts about Zuckerberg wouldn’t necessarily seem to back that up (he’s apparently been dating the same girl since before Facebook), all involved in “The Social Network” have been adamant in pointing out that this is not a bio pic, but more of a story about a lawsuit and an interpretation of the events surrounding it. However, one could certainly make the case that Zuckerberg was trying to find himself and a place where he fits in the society of Harvard, that he was motivated by a plea for acceptance.

As is often the case in the movie format, many of the characters are very cardboard-like; in this case, the Winklevoss brothers come across as dumb-jock douches. I found Justin Timberlake to be an extreme stretch as Sean Parker, the “Napster dude” who is portrayed as a shady fraud who is using Zuckerberg for money, girls and fame.

Yet the movie is validated and legitimized by the tremendous performance by Jesse Eisenberg. From language to body language to awkwardness, you just get the sense that Eisenberg absolutely NAILS everything that is Zuckerberg.

While one could make the argument that the ending left so much unanswered and unresolved, that is also what could be construed as the beauty of this movie: since Facebook itself is constantly evolving and facing myriad obstacles, how could a compelling “ending” truly be written?

There is little question that many will view this film as a searing condemnation of Zuckerberg’s character and actions—and maybe rightfully so. Personally, I choose to remember that this is certainly just one perspective of the events surrounding one of the most important inventions of this generation. Instead, I’ll elect to evaluate “The Social Network” on its own merits as a movie. What I found in the watching was a project that could have gone way wrong if the lead character wasn’t cast correctly; Eisenberg himself took a potential afterschool-special vehicle and was the key ingredient in turning it into an intense, complex story that was deserving all the accolades it received.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIII: Campaigning On Craigslist, Plus The Situation In Cairo Takes Another Twist

A Republican resigns from the House
Went on Craiglist to cheat on his spouse
He’s married, but you wouldn’t know
Went shirtless for his online photo
Christopher Lee the latest fraudulent louse

“Wear have you gone, Larry?”
A clever sign for all to see
Cameron the site of UNC-Duke
Makes other fans want to puke
But the Pack is so bad it’s scary

The Packers played with verve
Threw Pittsburgh for a curve
Only a coupla commercials were funny
But Rodgers was right on the money
Big Ben got what he deserved, the perv

Four defensive line coaches in a year
Over the hill at UNC-Queer
The last one was there for 30 days
Lied to recruits and they signed with pay
Cheating goes on, but Butch never fears

Is Mubarak finally out?
A sad state, there is no doubt
Pyramids made of ancient stones
Assaults made with pharaoh bones
Egypt, please come out of this stout

Last time …

“The Bounty Hunter”: Stuff Happened, I Think, And Then It Was Over

Jennifer Aniston looks like she’s had quite a bit of work done and Gerard Butler looks weird when he’s talking because he’s apparently a Scotsman trying to speak countrified English.

Outside of that, there was a chase scene, some fabricated sexual tension and a rumor about a plot of some sort. That’s all I really remember about “The Bounty Hunter,” sorry. But I’m sure you can learn anything else you might need to know about this flick from this informative trailer.

What Has To Happen To Like A Car Commercial

This is just tremendous. Well-played, Volvo. Well-played.

Fight Through The Macabre To Fully Appreciate Stephen King’s “Full Dark, No Stars”

“Bad writing is more than a matter of shit syntax and faulty observation; bad writing usually arises from a stubborn refusal to tell stories about what people actually do—to face the fact, let us say, that murderers sometimes help old ladies across the street.”
--Stephen King

No one does the short story like Stephen King; he’s pretty much perfected it. And as much as I love his novels, I am usually even more excited to read any new compilation of his short stories. So when I got “Full Dark, No Stars” for Christmas, I couldn’t wait to find the right opportunity to work it into the rotation. Suffice it to say that a lengthy plane ride to and a six-day stay in England were the perfect recipe.

This collection starts out with the 131-page “1922,” a novelette that watches the complete degeneration of a farmer who decided to murder his wife -- enlisting his son in the process. His decision is methodical and semi-rational (“The Bible says that an ungrateful child is like a serpent’s tooth, but a nagging and ungrateful Wife is ever so much sharper than that.”), lending an almost surreal quality to the writing and wording of the actual act. It’s an engrossing confession letter/story, with enough of King’s patented otherworldly, supernatural events to make it a bit more than just a documentation of a murderer losing his mind with guilt. One of the few qualms is that the 14-year-old son uses dialogue that feels much too mature for his age -- though the argument could be made that participation in a murder tends to age one rather quickly (“The rage in his eyes was of the raw, pure sort that only adolescents can feel. It is rage that doesn’t count the cost.”). And rather sadistically, this was the second straight book I read (along with “The Lost Symbol”) that featured a severed hand and a stump.

Regardless of how you feel about the actual crime and the decision behind it (“I believe that there is another man inside of every man, a stranger, a Conniving Man.”), it’s depressing to see how much of a shambles the farmer’s life becomes. And this lengthy tale ends with a newspaper account that calls into question how much of the farmer’s account of the matter you should believe or not -- always a nifty touch.

“He cried this so loudly that crows took wing from the fenceline and swirled away into the blue sky like charred paper.”

“In the end we are all caught in devices of our own making. I believe that. In the end we are all caught.”


“Big Driver” contains a few more lighthearted passages, including references to the Subaru-lesbian connection and George Costanza and “Seinfeld.” This tale is fairly long as well (112 pages), and turns out to be just as dark and twisted as the preceding story. It documents the brutal abduction and rape of a middle-aged female author who is returning from a book reading, after which she is left for dead amidst a collection of other murdered victims in a drain pipe (“At least there would be no more pain, no more waking to watch the monster-man dance in the burning sunset light.”).

The story follows the journey of a woman slowly going insane, drifting in and out of consciousness as she pursues blood revenge. Her ongoing conversations with her cat and her car’s TomTom begin to depict her loose grip on sanity, and the convention of using the TomTom as another character is another clever twist from King. You begin to notice small slipups and mistakes she may be making, and you subconsciouly attribute them to her understandably shaken state of mind. I thought the ending was a little bit contrived, as the protagonist confides in a stranger, making for a bit of an odd conclusion. Yet overall, it is a pretty fascinating read about the mindset of a victim in electing to dismiss the usual solution of hiding the truth (“The sound of the lie she would now live until it felt like the truth.”), instead plotting their own avenging path.

“When it came to the dark fuckery of the human heart, there seemed to be no limit.”

Continuing with the rather morbid content, “Fair Extension” was the next tale in the collection, and represented my least favorite of the quartet. Despite the presence of another “Seinfeld” reference and one of King’s popular descriptions of someone having too many teeth in their smile, this one turns a cancer victim (Dave Streeter) into a completely unlikeable and smug dude, moving him from pitiable to evil. It’s a little difficult to read and digest due to its harshness, but in a nutshell, it basically involves Streeter making a deal with the devil (“He supposed everyone’s shadow started to look sick as sunset approached, especially in August, when the end of the day was long and lingering and somehow not quite pleasant.”) to transfer his misfortune to his friend, who doesn't even suspect that he is also Streeter's arch-enemy as well.

There was a neat twist in putting the story into the context of real news, but the ending was a bit sudden and unexpected (even though I liked it). The lack of a comeuppance, the lack of a punishment for Streeter’s greed and lack of guilt is a bit jarring. At only 31 pages, it’s easily the shortest of the bunch -- which I found to be a good thing.

“‘Life is fair. We all get the same nine-month shake in the box, and then the dice roll. Some people get a run of sevens. Some people, unfortunately, get snake-eyes. It’s just how the world is.’”

“Janet laughed and shook her head. ‘What would I wish for? I have everything I want.’
‘Me too,’ Streeter said, and then, with his eyes fixed firmly on Venus, he wished for more.”


The most intriguing and compelling story of the collection fittingly brings the book to an explosive conclusion. “A Good Marriage” checks in at 83 pages, packing each and every word with emotion and almost mind-searing intensity. It starts out wistfully, painstakingly describing the minutiae of marriage in nostalgic language (“These things and ten thousand others comprised the secret history of marriage.”). Then, out of nowhere, the tale takes a mesmerizing turn, as the good wife makes a discovery about her husband that almost can’t be rationally processed (“Opening the box. Thinking, Does anybody really know anybody?”). Has a blood donor card ever carried more weight as a harbinger of impending pain and hidden, unthinkable violence?

Parts of it read a little bit like “Big Driver,” and there is a little bit of a “Fringe” feel to it as well. In broad stroaks, the wife discovers that her husband may be a serial killer, and based on a terrifying scene when she wakes up from a drifting sleep to discover him beside her it leads the reader to realize that his series of crimes just may have driven her nuts (“The sweet dream of one more ordinary evening in an ordinary life had been swallowed by a nightmare.”). She begins living outside of her own mind, obsessed with mirrors and a perceived other world that lies just beyond their surfaces.

While I felt an ending that ties more to the mirrors and a possible last forebidding glance into the world that was, is and could be might have been a nice touch, the interview at the end with the old codger was unbelievably well done. It was so fraught with tension, double meanings and layers of language that you felt like you were right there in that kitchen, experiencing all the same emotions and anxieties.

“The refrigerator whirred, the water dripped in the sink, and the raw seconds passed. This was the Darker Life, where every truth was written backward.”

“In that moment her understanding of him was complete. He loved nothing, least of all her. Every kindness, caress, boyish grin, and thoughtful gesture -- all were nothing but camoflauge. He was a shell. There was nothing inside him but howling emptiness.”

In the afterword, King offers up as close to an apology as he ever has for the supreme darkness that pervades these stories (“The stories in this book are harsh. You may have found them hard to read in places. If so, be assured that I found them equally hard to write in places.”). He writes very honestly about his quest to “provoke an emotional, even visceral, reaction in my readers,” then reminds that his work is always about the truth, about calling it like he sees it:

“Here’s something else I believe: if you’re going into a very dark place … then you should take a bright light, and shine it on everything. If you don’t want to see, why in God’s name would you dare the dark at all?”

He also freely offers up some tips about writing, specifically fiction. His definition of fiction is about as good a one as this writer has ever heard: “It’s the way we answer the question, How can such things be? Stories suggest that sometimes -- not always, but sometimes -- there’s a reason.”

In this book about secrets and the lengths folks will go to to hide them, to come to terms with a life of living with them, King has constructed a piece not for the faint of heart. But in his carefully crafted characters and environments, he painstakingly endeavors to write about emotion more than ever -- about the emotions in these people, and yes, even the ones in you.

So be brave … cast whatever light you can muster into the dark and shadows spread by King. Then revel in a genius at work in the medium he first mastered, then owned … and now redefined.

“From the start … I felt that the best fiction was both propulsive and assaultive. It gets in your face. Sometimes it shouts in your face. I have no quarrel with literary fiction, which usually concerns itself with extraordinary people in ordinary situations, but as both a reader and a writer, I’m much more interested by ordinary people in extraordinary situations.”

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXII: White Stripes Are No More, Plus UNC Continues To Moon The NCAA

The instruments, they will just pack
They say they will never come back
The White Stripes revolutionized blues sound
One of the few originals left around
Say it ain’t so, Meg and Jack

A top-20 haul? What a feat
Pay, bribe, rinse and repeat
Listen to Butch’s lies
He won’t look in your eyes
That’s the Carolina Way at UNC-Cheat

In Malawi, an interesting ban
Farting outlawed? If they can
Trying to give noses some peace
But flatulence hard to police
They should just buy a huge fan

Most of the country battered and how
The nation needs one enormous snow plow
“Thunder snow” is the latest thing
Wondering how long ‘til spring
Ready for an end to “Snowpocalypse Now”

To many, Signing Day is the suck
While others simply get star struck
Some sit in basements and dream
But until you play for my team
I’m more like, “Who gives a f%^k?”

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 38

#1
So there is an older lady who works at my new company. One day, I caught her sleeping in her cubicle. The next day I caught her exercising in her cubicle. I’m alternately confused and terrified. True story.

#2
Just a heads up if you’re ever looking for the departure gates in Newcastle Airport in England. You have to walk directly through a huge store to find them. True story.

#3
I take it that it’s a bad thing when the highlight of your rivalry game is when your boxer-turned-point guard (Javy Gonzo) elbows Gumby (Jon Henson) in the face. If I was Sidney Lowe and I knew I was going to lose my job anyway, I would start Lorenzo Brown, C.J. Williams and three walk-ons until the rest of his team decides they, you know, want to play and all.

#4
If you’re like a lot of people and you have little concrete idea of what is going on in Egypt, apparently it’s not unlike “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” as you can see from this helpful primer.

#5
These Gravity Defyer shoes from Skymall look pretty damn cool. Well, I mean, that’s if you don’t mind walking around with a sperm logo on your feet. Besides that, they are tremendous and all.

#6
Some of the more memorable beers I’ve sampled recently: OBX Moondog ESB, Wells Banana Bread, Oaked Arrogant Bastard, Bells Porter, Celebrator, Mothership Wit, Terrapin Big Hoppy Imperial Red, Bellhaven Wee Heavy, Weeping Radish Fest, Harpoon Oak-Aged Dunkel (100 Barrel Series) and (in Europe) San Miguel.
On the flip side, the Sam Adams Imperial was iffy at best.

#7
Few sports venues have a more checkered and controversial past than New Orleans’s Superdome. So perhaps it’s a good thing that more improvements are in store in the near future.

#8
You haven’t really lived until you’ve taken a nine-hour flight seated directly behind a homeless, crack addict-looking woman who pounds 10 rum & Cokes on the way.

#9
BYU’s Jimmer Fredette just might be the best basketball player in America. And I'm predicting his first sponsorship deal will involve his own line of Mormon magic underwear.

#10
It looks like Walgreen’s has made an interesting branding choice: they are now selling their own store-brand beer. It’s called Big Flats 1901, is supposed to be horrible and checks in at less than $3 a six-pack. So all of you hitting the pharmacy at midnight for toilet paper and Tylenol PM are fixin’ to stumble right into a party.

I Would Totally Watch This Movie

Yes, it's fake (dammit). But the thought of one of my favorite books of all-time hitting the silver screen with the star of "Silver Spoons" ... well, it just seems like such a tease.

Anyway, it's a cool fake movie poster.

Now Showing: "Jerry The Great"

I would watch it. Or maybe I did. Hard to tell sometimes.