Tina Fey Is A Better Sarah Palin Than Sarah Palin

According to my friend at Static in the Attic, the following piece of paper was found among Sarah Palin's trash after the vice presidential debate. Say it ain't so, Sarah.

Also, the following video immediately becomes one of the top SNL sketches of all-time.

It's all about Jews and Cuban food, "my friend."

This Happened: You Had Me At "Vintage Prada Wallet"

So, a friend of friend decided to try to sell his turn-of-the-century model car on Craig's List, and the following -- arguably, the greatest e-mail of all-time -- is what happened. Names have been changed to protect the retarded.

"Hi there. I was just cuirous if you were considering trades for the [car] for sale? I would be willing to consider trading a group of valuable items I have available for your [car]. These items include:

Ikea computer desk (missing keyboard holder)
Pretty Paws litter box in "almost new" condition (retails for $35)
Brand new, in box pair of Air Jordan basketball shoes size 11 (red and white)
Vintage Prada wallet from 1984 (white & pink with very few stains)
Set of 10 brand new, with tags "posie purple" washcloths from Target
Full shipment box (24 bottles) of sampler bottles of "happy" perfume by
Clinque
One wool, color: gray blazer, size 14 by "South Pole"
10 unopened boxes (unused) of Kleenex with lotion tissues
Full shipment box (40 pairs, assorted sizes) of Free Spirit white knee socks
Vintage 1978 Oreck XL vacuum (still works, however, bags are out of
production)
Brand new (still in plastic wrap) Jumanji board game
Rarely used, universale remote control by Zenith
4 Firestone Tractor trailer tires (brand new)

I have calculated based on the "blue book value" of your car that the value of these items bypasses the value of your item by far, so really, this is a big loss for me, however, I am in need of a car right now. If you may consider this trade, please feel free to email me back to schedule a meeting with some notice so I can be sure to have all items packed in my truck and ready for show. I am in Raleigh as well though, so traveling to show off the lot of items I have available is no problem.

Thank you very much,"
Dude with shit to unload [Editor's Note: Not actual name]

[speechless]

Serpico Can't Throw The Out Pattern

Former Pack alum Adrian Wilson didn't do my fantasy football team any favors by knocking the shite out of Buffalo quarterback Trent Edwards like two plays into the game and giving him a concussion, but I still won rather convincingly. First-round bust J.P. Losman even got a chance to fire interceptions all over the field.


Of course, my attention was quickly captured by Losman's disturbing beard. He's the doppelganger of Serpico and Adam Goldberg -- and no football team can overcome that resemblance and win.

Limerick Friday LXXXXV: October In, Common Sense Out

Transparent and folksy, representing hockey moms everywhere
She backed non-answers by wearing a smirk and a vacant stare
Spoke like she was running for school council in seventh grade
Refused to talk about policy or any decisions that were made
Pundits gave her credit for forming sentences; that seems fair

Another year, another epic Mets choke
It's become a pathetic, not-so-funny joke
The worst is it came in the last game at Shea
One of my favorite places back in the day
The season and the stadium went up in smoke

A dork with huge headphones and a goat with a hex
Cubbies fans looking for excuses as their team wrecks
"Wait 'til next year" already heard on the North Side
Down two games, can Sweet Lou stop this slide?
Chicago fans can agree to just blame this all on Rex

Fall weather is here, the Triangle's no longer hotter than hell
It's also Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I'm here to tell
Those are two (or is it three?) of my favorite things
So it's time to open up your wallet or purse strings
Supporting a good cause is certain to make you feel well

An economy that has turned into a black hole
Gas prices that are spiraling out of control
Money concerns for all in this wide land
Now hopes are a bailout will give us a hand
It all has me looking at homes in the North Pole

Last time …

Miss Congeniality Is Ready For Big Wordy-Type Thingies

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It's debate time, ladies and gents. "Smokin'" Joe Biden vs. Sarah "Badly Failin'" Palin. Word is Palin has been prepped for the debates by her pageant sister, Miss South Carolina, so it should be good times.

Ding, ding, ding.

Bud 'Round The Office

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Word to the swear jar.

A Dark Day In Scooterville ...

Apparently, Scarlett Johansson went ahead and got married in secret, thus destroying a potentially electric relationship between us that the paparazzi was bound to dub "Scootlett."

Oh, well. Her forehead was always too big for me anyway.

Limerick Friday LXXXXIV: Matt Millen, Pete Carroll And Skip Holtz Walked Into A Bar …

Can't believe Matt Millen finally lost his job
As a general manager, he was quite a fat slob
He had blackmail pictures of the owner with goats
But fans finally voted him out with their booing throats
He and Joey Harrington can now meet for a beer and a sob

The last game for the stadium in the Bronx
When you visit, all you hear are screams and honks
I went to a Yankees game there one time
Saw a bum pissing on the sidewalk while in line
Lotsa history ruined by its many bandwagon, red-hat-wearin' wonks

The economy has experienced a record drop
Who can fix it? Everyone's favorite grandpop
But is McCain's campaign now failin'?
And is he trying to hide Sarah Palin?
You're part of the problem, not the solution, so just stop

It's just like shootin' fish in a barrel
Happens every year under choking Pete Carroll
Another head-scratching loss for a team that's fakin'
They're the NCAA equivalent of Clay Aiken
The Pac 10 bottom-feeders always put USC at peril

The Fins kicked the shite out of the Pats
The Pack ruined the season of the delusional Pi-Rats
LSU took down Auburn in the fourth quarter
UNC lost to a coach with a giant goiter
A damn good football weekend, to my teams I tip my hats

Last time …

"Cujo" + "Prison Break" = Ratings Winner

Classic part is you can basically read the "W ... T ... F ..." in the other dogs' eyes.

The Greatest Worst Thing Ever: Scattered, Ironic, Smothered, Humiliated, Covered, Terrified And Diced

For years, one of my mottos has been, "Nothing good ever happens at the Waffle House." Now, I humbly say that I have been wrong for years. Consider me an enormous fan of any wedding vows that begin, "Well, since he had to work anyway …" and include the words "banana pancakes" anywhere within them.

Rings in waffles, amazing Christian-related wardrobes, kids picking noses, T-shirts saying "Father forgive them" …

Too many jokes. Brain hurting. Must. Look. Away.

[Editor's Note: This version has freaking audio if you're brave enough.]

Partial Qualifier Gets Fully Slammed

At the end of the day ... you're still just East Carolina.

Belichick Gets Bitch-Slapped, Soils Self, Doesn't Notice

38-13.

Irony, thy name is New England.

Cheat your way out of that one, Homeless Hoody and the Patsies.

Limerick Friday LXXXXIII: OSU Is Sports' Tina Turner: The Beatings Just Won't Stop

Before the game, "Go Bucks" is heard far and wide
After, Herbstreit and Musburger held each other and cried
It's like being in the Kentucky Derby and getting lapped
To repeatedly get in big games and get bitch-slapped
If Ohio State had any self-respect, they'd run away and hide

The Ryder Cup is off to a great start in Kentucky
It's time for the Americans to be more than plucky
Tiger always plays only for himself
So it's better for the U.S. that he's on the shelf
The Europeans always play for fun, like they don't give a fuck-y

It's hurricane season for a decimated Wall Street
Yet it hasn't been a storm that's knocked the economy off its feet
It's been an administration that's got its head up its ass
Stupider than DeSean Jackson going out for a long pass
Time to start over from scratch so we can avoid a repeat

'Bama and Arkansas is considered the Weasel Bowl
Between Saban and Petrino, who's the bigger asshole?
They both lie to the fans and media left and right
And both are prone to pick flight over fight
They'll compare notes about to which devil they sold their soul

Troubles ranging from melanoma to high cholesterol
Can McCain even make it through the campaign's long haul?
It's a far question to ask, every smart person says
So we're not left with a pageant winner as prez
Make the hypocrite's records public, unless you'd rather hide than stand tall

Last time …

"The Illusionist" Rules The Magic Genre In La-La Land

A couple of years back, Hollywood went through a minor, short-lived run of magician movies, highlighted by "The Prestige" and "The Illusionist." These two films came out at nearly the same time, but "The Illusionist" was far the superior, mostly because of the uncanny acting.

Edward Norton gives his best performance since "American History X" and "Primal Fear," starring as master magician Edward Eisenheim. His showing is bolstered by the always-phenomenal Paul Giamatti, who is captivating as Inspector Uhl.

Based on a short story by Steven Millhauser, "The Illusionist" follows a forbidden-love story in 20th-century Vienna. The familiar plot of the peasant boy (Eisenheim) and the duchess (Sophie, played by Jessica Biel) falling in love makes up the first half an hour or so of the film, but that aspect of the tale ends when Eisenheim is forced to flee by the duchess's family and guards.

Years later, fate intervenes to reunite the two. Eisenheim has ascended to the level of being considered the finest magician in the realm, while Sophie is engaged to be married to the philandering and abusive Crown Prince Leopold. During one of his shows after he returns to Vienna, Eisenheim calls Sophie on stage for a trick, and upon recognizing her, cleverly asks, "We've never met before, have we?"

After a personal invitation for a private performance in front of Leopold and his entourage, Eisenheim finally has a chance to speak with Sophie and rekindle their relationship. They begin meeting on the sly to try to understand how they lost track of each other and try to come to terms with what has brought them back together. She still wears a wooden charm necklace that he made for her as a child, and he tells her about how he journeyed to all corners of the globe in an effort to perfect his craft and penetrate all mysteries … yet, "the only mystery I never solved was why my heart couldn't let go of you." Of course, this reunion ends with the two of them rolling around Eisenheim's cabin in the woods, with the magician trying several lewd tricks to Sophie's apparent delight.

Jealous and frustrated by Eisenheim's amazing tricks and suspicious of his background, Leopold has his inspector, Uhl, begin to keep tabs on the magician. The shared childhood of Eisenheim and Sophie is eventually discovered by Uhl, who serves as a middle man between the battle of wills being waged by Eisenheim and Leopold. When Leopold is told of the secret rendezvous' and pre-existing relationship between the magician and his fiancé, the prince tells the inspector to find a way to bring down Eisenheim.

Meanwhile, Leopold confront his fiancé, telling her, "You think you're clever—and quite democratic in your friendships." After he hits her, she flees, and is later found dead in a stream, the mortal wound caused by a sword that most suspect belongs to Leopold himself.


Even though we are showed the body of Sophie and told that she is killed, it is hard to get past the belief that it is all a ruse, calling into question whether a magician's greatest trick might just be stealing a woman. It's a somewhat odd resolution to follow, because it's hard to get past the idea that something shady is up, that Sophie must still be alive somewhere and Eisenheim is undoubtedly behind it all.

After a pawn is put up and punished for being Sophie's murderer—which no one believes—a bitter and driven Eisenheim returns to the entertainment scene in Vienna, firing his manager, buying an old theater, renovating it and unveiling a new show, marked by a poster that simply states "Eisenheim." The magician tells his audience that he bends nature's laws, that he calls into question life and death, time and space, fate and chance. Uhl is ordered to continue following him, and when Eisenheim begins to summon illusions of dead people — which makes him truly become "The Illusionist" — the inspector basically arrests him for ghosts. Accused of charlatanism, necromancy, subverting the monarchy and double-parking, Eisenheim is repeatedly hassled by the authorities and threatened.

However, at some point, we recognize that Eisenheim has slowly started to win over the inspector, who tells someone, "A magic trick is not evidence." Uhl begins to see things the magician's way partially because of Eisenheim's apparent true love for Sophie and partially because of the recognition that Leopold is truly a sadistic bitch. Uhl eventually learns that Leopold has forged a hidden plot to overthrow his father, the king, and install himself as the monarch by way of coup.

The last scene where a disguised Leopold attends Eisenheim's final show is marked by incredible tension, and ends with a finale in which Eisenheim seemingly fades into nothingness. Afterward, when the magician cannot be found, Uhl confront his boss, Leopold, saying, "Perhaps there's truth in this illusion." Leopold then commits suicide, which would appear to have ended the speculation about Sophie's murderer and saved the monarchy.

But Uhl is unable to get Eisenheim's words — "What does it mean to die?" — out of his head and can't shake the feeling that the magician has pulled off his most amazing trick. Teased by the magician's purposely placed clues, Uhl finally unravels Eisenheim's plan and how he pulled it all off. The memorable final scene is marked by a montage and music that reveals the incredible twist.

The movie is shot like a dream at times, using slow-motion and blurred-edge techniques. These directorial decisions lend to the fairy-tale feeling that this film inspires, which only adds to the various plot lines, ranging from reunited lovers to the dark arts to conspiracies.

On an acting level, Biel just may have the best caboose in Hollywood, but her big teeth and inconsistent accent made her a difficult fit here. I've been an Edward Norton fan for quite a while—aided in no small way by admiration for anyone who has dated Salma Hayek—and his understated demeanor is perfectly complemented by the versatile, near-manic Giamatti.

The bottom line is that if you like fairy-tale-like period pieces carried by tremendous actors, then "The Illusionist" is certainly worth giving a spin.

"Groundhog Day 2" Being Replayed In Queens By Gutless Mets

After last season's epic collapse, this year's follow-up choke job for the Metsies was simply inevitable. And yesterday, after the fourth loss in five games, New York finally fell out of first place. On top of that, a pregame team meeting was promptly followed by being shut out again.

As manager Jerry Manuel gives vain pep talks and assumes the fetal position in the corner of the clubhouse, former Mets skipper Willie Randolph is somewhere sipping a gin and juice and laughing with Isaiah Thomas.

Serenity now.

From Zero To 60 -- To Zero -- In 61 Seconds

It didn't last long enough to qualify for fight of the year -- hell, it didn't last long enought to quality for round of the year -- but the Kendall Holt and Ricardo Torres rematch was scintillating. In 61 seconds, there were three knockdowns, one cheap shot, one completely overlooked accidental head butt, one of the best boxing quotes of all-time, a brutal body shot and one guy knocked completely the f out.

As I watched the final sequence, I was struck by a) there had to be more to it than the great body punch by Holt, b) his finishing right hand was a thing of perfect beauty and c) I caught a vicious accidental head butt that the announcers completely missed.

Then, this pearl of wisdom from Holt afterward: "I don't back down -- I lay backs down."

One of the announcers called it "61 seconds of searing action," and I'm not prepared to disagree with that. Awesome.

Limerick Friday LXXXXII: Charter Member, Bernard Pollard Fan Club

There was once a safety named Bernard
Who liked to blitz the quarterback very hard
Now he's got his own fan club
For putting a man named Brady in the tub
Now the Hoody has to play a different cheating card

Yet another hurricane approaches, name of Ike
The citizens of Texas have begun to take a hike
Flooding is predicted far and wide
Hope for all to avoid the deathly tide
But it would be kind of cool if the Bush compound it did strike

He threw jump balls to Moss for the Vikes
Tossed out of Miami, too hurt to take hikes
If an overrated QB falls without fanfare
Does anyone in the forest really care?
Daunte will spend the rest of his days on cruises with dykes

First he said the Prez doesn’t care about black folks
Now he's busy assaulting the paparazzi with kicks and pokes
Vandalism and battery are the charges for Kanye West
Who certainly seems to have a lot to get off his chest
But the world may be a bit safer if he took a few more tokes

To the desert she has gone away
To celebrate more than one birthday
How to make it through a week
Without her heart and soft cheek
Return to me soon, are the words that I say

And one more as a bonus …

Has it really been seven years
Since 9/11 brought to light all our fears?
Even as memories begin to fade
Can't forget the sacrifices that were made
New York, in your honor, I shed these tears

Last time …

"American Gangster" Is A Black "Scarface" Without The Edge

"See, ya are what ya are in this world. That's either one of two things: Either you're somebody … or ya ain't nobody."—Frank Lucas

I had high hopes for "American Gangster," based on the presence of accomplished actors like Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. However, not far into this one, it was apparent that director Ridley Scott had set out to make the "Black Scarface," (want a dose of subtlety? Check out the movie poster above, then click here for the Scarface version) making this flick fall far short of the goal.

This movie follows the story of Frank Lucas, who rises from a position as a driver and personal bodyguard for a street-level gangster named Bumpy Johnson to unparalleled power in Harlem. Soon after Johnson's death, Lucas sees a void in the area's gang structure, and he quickly makes moves to fill it to pre-empt power grabs by rival leaders.

Supposedly, "American Gangster" is based on a true story, although there is some question as to how much of the story is actually attributable to Frank Lucas, especially the alleged close ties to Johnson. Interestingly, Lucas's daughter Francine later went into the witness protection program and started up a program called Yellowbrickroads that offers resources to the children of incarcerated parents. Also, one of his sons, Frank Lucas, Jr., is now a hip-hop artist who has started the Frank Lucas brand with his dad. Lucas himself was confined to a wheelchair as of 2005, due to a car accident that broke his leg in two places.

Borrowing heavily from elements of the "Godfather" (obviously) and "Scarface" (as noted before), Lucas seizes onto the themes of order and discipline in his quest for success. Part of Lucas's rise to prominence is that he dresses and carries himself like a prominent businessman ("Listen to me, the loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room."), always immaculately and nattily (yeah, I used it) attired. Lucas fights hard to maintain the family structure and uphold his status as a good citizen, son and brother. He portrays himself as a church-going businessman, leading to some interesting juxtapositions. Ironically, the onset of his downfall begins when his wife gives him a fur pimp jacket as a present, which puts him on the radar of local police after they notice him at a boxing match schmoozing with some local crime-syndicate bigwigs.

When a rival gang leader tells him that the life they've chosen mandates a choice between having success and having enemies, or being unsuccessful and having friends, we begin to see the isolation that Lucas feels. He is warned repeatedly—"Quitting while you're ahead is not the same as quitting," he's told in a poignant moment—but nothing comes between him and his reckless downfall (Tony Montana, anyone?).

Fat Russell Crowe was stellar as always, shining as burned-out detective and wannabe lawyer Richie Roberts. This is the role that Bruce Willis tried to play in "16 Blocks," but simply came across as a little too world-weary and uncaring. But Crowe owns it, capturing the essence of a divorced bachelor who has nothing left but his job and a vague sense of morality. Early on in the film, Roberts finds a million dollars in unmarked bills, but he gives it back, which shows his principles, but also makes him a pariah among his police peers, for which bribery and extortion is a way of life. The turned-down money is a running theme in the flick, as it is mentioned over and over by characters who know Roberts only as the legendary (read: stupid) cop who won the lottery … then gave the ticket away. Crowe is also facing the uphill battle that comes along with a realization that those at the upper levels of government don't really want him to succeed at the job they've assigned him to—he says, "Judges, lawyers, cops, politicians … They stop bringing dope into this country, about a hundred thousand people are gonna be out of a job."

Even after his surprising turn in "No Country for Old Men," Josh Brolin is a bit hard to take seriously as the dirty cop, Detective Trupo. "Boyz N Da Hood" washup Cuba Gooding Jr. was insufferable even in a bit role as small-time hood Nicky Barnes; Gooding just always comes across like he's trying way too hard to revive a nonexistent career. Stunning Carla Gugino plays Roberts's ex-wife, Laurie, and my stance has always been that any movie is only going to get better the more Carla Gugino is in it. Unfortunately, they relegated her to a bit role, so they deserve the subpar end result.

Lucas's ace card is the development of Blue Magic, which is uncut, pure heroin directly from Southeast Asia. The kicker is he has made several deals that allow the heroin to be smuggled into the United States inside the coffins of dead Viet Nam soldier. The result is that he is able to eliminate the middle man and sell a product that is eminently better and much cheaper than his competition, creating a runaway train in the drug underworld of Harlem. What slows the pursuit of Lucas and helps keep the spotlight off him for a while is a bureaucratic indignation and disbelief that a black man has ascended to a kingpin position that is actually above the mafia in terms of power in New York City.

When Roberts is able to flip Lucas's cousin, a junkie, the task force begins to make the headway it needs to make a real and relevant push toward bringing Lucas's operation down. Some crucial scenes took place in the projects, a forbidding, dangerous, dark area, especially during that time in our country's history, with Watts, a tension-filled burgeoning civil rights movement and an ongoing war. In the climactic shootout scene, a soccer ball is shown in slow motion rolling down the hallway with a kid chasing it, sort of an overly used technique to build drama before the raid.

There is a strong, highly dramatic scene between Lucas and Roberts near the end, after Lucas is arrested, where Lucas alternately attempts to bribe and threaten Roberts. Instead, Roberts only wants to know how far the dirty-cop thread runs, and Lucas finally relents and says he'll reveal it all for some level of immunity. More than $250 million is confiscated from the Lucas empire and 30 members of Lucas's family are convicted of trafficking and sent to prison. Amazingly, 75% of the New York City Drug Enforcement Agency is convicted with Lucas's help, with more than 100 convictions in all.

Lucas is sentenced to 70 years, which is reduced to just 15, while Roberts eventually becomes a district attorney. In the cheesy final scene, when Roberts is finally released from prison, Roberts is there to meet him and buy him a cup of coffee. The ensuing meander through the streets of Harlem doesn't fit the rest of the movie and stamps the ending with a weak, off-the-mark note.

One of the problems is that I've seen Denzel Washington in this role too many times; it becomes the equivalent of a Will Ferrell movie or character that you feel like you've watched five times already. Combine that sense of familiarity and déjà vu with some rather blatant rip-offs of gangster flicks like "Scarface," "Godfather" and "Goodfellas," and you're left with the resulting lack of originality that makes it seem like you have seen this one before. Ridley Scott appeared to have all the pieces in place, but came up with a hollow flick that strived for a bang … but left with a whimper.

The Solution For Our Country? Unquestionably, Monty Python

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For anyone who disagrees … I fart in your general direction.

We Are Here To Pump ... You Up

Epic mullet from Patrick Swayze, vintage-era Dana Carvey and the understated brilliance of Kevin Nealon (who's had a career resurgence on "Weeds").

That's good medicine for a case of the Mondays.

Saturday Smells Like Foster's And Mayhem

An ode to bouncing back ...

Gentle pretzels
May you carry me away
To Carter-Finley
With visions of the Foxy
And an angry liver
Make it rain
Then run home in it
Drive through it
Pac Man Jones would be proud
Four a.m.
The soul's midnight
Life tastes
Of Tylenol and White Russians
Shut the fuck up, Donnie
Recovery time
Like dog years
Football is here
Bring me a headache and haze
From Bill & Mary

I blame it all on Sam.

Limerick Friday LXXXXI: Creepy Old Man + Pageant Contestant = Welcome To Your New Republican Party

Right-wing psychos praying for rain is a bit strange
Scared of Obama's convention speech about change
Ironically, Focus on Family is what these wingnuts are called
Yet at Miss Teen Alaska's daughter's baby daddy, they're not appalled
McCain is a desperate old man out of touch and out of range

Jackass Jay Mariotti quitting is rich
Chicago sports fans burned him like a witch
His best column simply read "I quit"
Said newspapers are dying bit by bit
"Around the Horn" just gained a full-time bitch

David Duchovny has always been a rather creepy dude
Now he finds himself in treatment for basically being rude
At 48, he's got a sex addiction and a failing career
But Scully has known about this for many a year
She once found him in an X-Files-rated situation with an alien, nude

Joe Pa has more convicts than a pep rally
Turns out pot is the reason it's called Happy Valley
"It's a witch hunt!" he yells at the printed page
Then he goes out for a spin and some road rage
Enjoys 3 p.m. dinners as the arrests continue to tally

In Motor City, it's all about Gucci-Gate
Ripping your teammate's gear is about hate
Luggage, money and boxers stolen by Tatum Bell
Rudi Johnson got back to his locker and said, "What the hell?!"
Unfortunately, the theft was the longest carry by Bell of late


Last time …

Light Up Your Night At Solas

Admirably representing the Gaelic word for "light," Solas jauntily rises phoenix-like from the heart of trend-setting Glenwood South, achieving a literal and figurative pinnacle of culinary excellence and cultural decadence the likes of which have never been seen in North Carolina's versatile and amiable capital city.

Or maybe it's just a really cool three-story restaurant and club that attracts equal parts hotness and cheese from the surrounding area. I guess you'll have to decide for yourself.

Owned by Hibernian founder Niall Hanley, Solas blends the best parts of gastro-fusion cuisine, big-city nightlife and small-city atmosphere. I'll admit to a smidgen of impartiality, considering that my brother is executive chef, but I've been there twice to eat and several times to tour during the construction process, and I've been struck by the ambitious nature of Niall's design and the all-inclusive variety of the menu. Having been open only a month or so, Solas has already been visited by pop celeb John Mayer, stomach-stapled crooner John Popper and Olympic gold medalist swimmer (and NC State grad) Cullen Jones, among others.

The Web site has been a trifle hit or miss, but here are a coupla other links (News & Observer, Raleigh Chronicle and Independent Weekly) to check out if you are interested. So go get your best duds, head down to Solas and get your Chicago on.

This Happened, Pig Pickin' Style

Skullet: "An aging mullet that is bald on the top with normal mullet in back." (Source: Mullet Definitions)

The oft-seen, rarely captured skullet in action.

Enjoy.

Limerick Friday LXXXX: Gustav And Ocho Cinco Are Hot-Air Twins

Three years since Katrina turned New Orleans into a lake
And left destroyed lives and dreams in its wake
Now Gustav is on a dangerous path
Hope it doesn’t give the area another bath
It's about time that the Crescent City got a freaking break

Some work for an Olympic medal all their life
Others randomly give away golds to a casino owner's wife
Three weeks at the Wynn, treated like a king
In return for some international bling
And people wonder why the NBA is filled with thugs and strife

Authorities foil an Obama assassination plot
Now off to prison four deadbeats go to rot
Amped on crystal meth and sniffing hair dye
They grabbed rifles and headed to Denver's Mile High
A country's in great shape when change can get someone shot

A blogger arrested for illegally releasing a G 'N' R song
Guess he thought people cared anymore, which is wrong
One day, the dude has to explain to his grandkids why he paid a $10K bail
While the ironically titled "Chinese Democracy" is destined to fail
No one knows who Guns 'N' Roses is anymore, the album has taken so long

Makes strange comments and comes off as quite vain
Chad Johnson is starting to make Mike Tyson look sane
Now he's taken his act to the courts, oh no
And legally changed his name to Ocho Cinco
I guess Pac Man and He Hate Me were taken, what a pain

Last time …

I've Never Seen Tom O'Brien and Charlie Brown In The Same Place At The Same Time

"I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell."—Harry S. Truman

NC State football is undergoing a sea change right now. Former Marine Tommy O'Irish is laying down the law, and if you ain't on board, you're swimming your arse to Elon for the rest of your career.

Unfortunately, the attrition involving transfers and a suspension or two has come at the same time that the Pack has been hammered by injuries, which has become an annual occurrence. Jamelle Eugene, Toney Baker, Clem Johnson, Javon Walker and Donald Bowens, just to name a few. None of the above will be playing tonight when the Wolfpack kicks off the college football season at South Carolina. So, to sum up:

Best running back—out.
Best wide receiver—out.
Best offensive lineman—out.
Best safety—out.
Freshman quarterback—in.
90,000 hostile 'necks—in.

NC State's chances—in or out?

We'll find out tonight.

Go Pack.

"The Mist" Saved From Mediocrity By Defining Final Scene

I read the Stephen King novella "The Mist" probably 17 or 18 years ago. After being introduced to King's work, I found a beat-up, dog-eared copy of "Skeleton Key" at a garage sale somewhere, and I remember being blown away that King could blend so many emotions into a single plot, in the Maine equivalent of a Piggly Wiggly.

Yes, "The Mist" primarily takes place in a grocery store. Published in 1980, it represents a perfect example of King's early period, when he was still finding his way as a writer, experimenting with moving outside the bonds and restrictions of the horror genre.

King once described "The Mist" as a prison story, perhaps the precursor to "Shawshank Redemption." As such, it was ideally suited for writer/director Frank Darabont, who had adapted and directed two other King prison-type stories, "Shawshank Redemption" and "Green Mile," for the big screen. You could tell Darabont jumped into this tale of an army experiment gone horribly wrong, and his respect and near-reverence for King is apparent throughout this film.

As to the cast, Tobie Jones was perfect as Ollie Weeks, assistant manager of the supermarket. Thomas Jane was passable as David Drayton, an artist (there was a great nod to the "Dark Tower" and the gunslinger at the beginning, in a painting that Drayton was working on) who takes his son and a neighbor (an overly authoritative Andre Braugher) to the supermarket to load up on supplies in the wake of a destructive storm. But the in-location aspect of the film was carried by Marcia Gay Harden, who was tremendous as Mrs. Carmody, a Puritanically religious freakshow who eventually begins to win over the other captive shoppers with her end-of-days speeches. By the end of the movie, Mrs. Carmody's power within the grocery store reminded me of many elements of "Lord of the Flies." Jeffrey DeMunn and William Sadler stood out as other members of the party who were initially trying to escape the market.

Any discussion of "The Mist" doesn't have any resonance until the ending is mentioned. The novella itself had no real ending, King admits, instead leaving the ultimate fate of a band of survivors up in the air. Darabont came up with a more fitting ending, one he grew so attached to that he turned it into a dealbreaker when he was shopping the film. Give me no money and no time, and that's fine, he said; but try to change the conclusion, and I'm taking this flick elsewhere. In fact, he began developing "The Mist" initially for Paramount Pictures, adapting the novella for the screen; however, it eventually ended up at Dimension Films. That's why the movie was shot in just 37 days in Shreveport, Louisiana—but the ending remained the same.

Was Darabont's stand on the untouchable ending worth it? While it did represent a much darker conclusion than King had initially written, the answer is yes. King signed off on the adaptation, and when I first saw the movie, I was struck by the feeling that the ending was vaguely reminiscent of "Planet of the Apes." The scene gave Jane a vehicle to go outside himself somewhat as an actor, displaying a raw, guttural emotion that borders on the disturbing. As a ho-hum, average actor, this was an opportunity for him to find another side to his character, and he answered the bell.

The beautiful, haunting music ("The Host of Seraphim," by Dead Can Dance) complemented the conclusion perfectly, imbuing it with an overriding feeling of loss and tragedy. The profound final scene singlehandedly turned this film into a movie instead of just a horror flick, marking "The Mist" with a sense of arrival and significance that had been missing throughout.

It Knocks Your Cold Out — While You're Out Cold

HiberNol (from the makers of ComaDose — "month after month after month, nature works its healing magic") is one of my favorite all-time SNL commercial parodies. And somehow fitting for an already-frustrating Monday …

Limerick Friday LXXXIX: Chinese Girrs To Rittre for Orympics?

Shady gymnastic scores at the Olympic games
Nastia Luken's dad calls a judge nasty names
Now the IOC is investigating the Chinese brats
Saying they're under the age limit for the mats
Listening to Hannah Montana before vaulting supports these claims

Obama tackling the task of picking a VP
Conventions are around the corner, you see
Tricky business, naming a vice prez
But he's down to a short list, he says
Don't bother waiting for that 3 a.m. call, Hillary

How you do know it's time for football?
When State players start to get injured and fall
A receiver with a freaking fractured spine?
A broken jaw sends a safety to the sideline?
Methinks Chuck Amato has a Tom O'Brien voodoo doll

It turns out that the found Bigfoot was another hoax
Who knew that park rangers had such funny jokes
Got an ape costume that was once used on "Blossom"
Then filled it with roadkill of a freaking 'possum
But that means Julius Peppers is still out there somewhere, folks

Russian continues to occupy Georgia
(No, W, not the one that's near Florida)
Promised to withdraw a while ago
Changed their minds like Ivan Drago
I miss Boris Yeltsin, always drunk on vodka

Last time …

Short Round Done Got Jacked Up

This one is reminiscent of the scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" where the guy flashily brandishes the sword for like 30 seconds, then Indy just shoots him with a bored expression. I'm not totally positive that this is real, but it is pretty funny either way.

"Sweep the leg, Johnny!"

Reason #2,609 Why Bill O'Reilly Is A Piece Of Shite

I really don't have anything to add here. Carry on.

"X-Files: I Want To Believe" Turns Into "X-Files: I Want To Understand"

After heading into the theater with high hopes, seeing "X-Files: I Want to Believe" was a somewhat confusing experience for me. Technically, the movie itself was very well-made; however, on a deeper level, the entire point of the film was hard for me to ascertain.

This flick was not at all what I was expecting. There were no instances of paranormal activity and nothing along the extraterrestrial or abduction lines, either. There were a few references to Agent Fox Mulder's sister being abducted and a passing mention of William, the supernatural son born to Mulder and Agent Dana Scully, but these seemed to be tossed out as bones to intrepid X-Files junkies who would have hunted down creator Chris Carter if some aspect of the television series wasn't touched upon in the film. On a side note, it was a little difficult to believe Amanda Peet in the lead investigator role, but that's just a casting decision that was balanced out by Billy Connolly, who was terrific as Father Joseph Crissman.

With a 10-year span between the release of this movie and the first one, and a six-year stretch between this film and the end of the TV series (although counting the years with the guy from "Terminator 2" and Annabeth Gish is questionable at best), I guess my perception was that some of the over-arching storylines that were left off would be revisited. Though it was a strong flick, it felt more like a really long episode of "Bones" or "CSI"; it didn't have a feature-film feel to it. I, for one, kept expecting to see a plume of smoke that introduced Cigarette Smoking Man to the proceedings or a dim light in a warehouse indicating the presence of the Lone Gunmen.

In a sense, my feeling is, why make a movie about this show after a decade if you're not going to stay true to what made the series so tremendous? It was unexpected and slightly disappointing to not get more answers out of a feature-length film a decade after "X-Files" went off the air. I understand the approach of trying to appeal to a broader crowd, but how many people who weren't reeled in the first time are going to give it a chance when the predominant perception is that it's a show about E.T.'s?

Also, as pointed out by a friend, there is no real explanation of the sudden relationship between Scully and Mulder. It is highly believable that Mulder lost faith in the government and has spent the ensuing years bunkered up and dropping out of sight, but what has he been doing? What happened to bridge the professional gap that stood between he and Scully that eventually bloomed into love? I can also see Scully becoming a doctor at a Christian hospital, which has some ready-made chances for her to question her faith and the decision-making of higher-ups, but what really happened to William?


To be fair, there was a cool—albeit brief—appearance by FBI Assistant Director Walter Skinner at the end, there were some good chase scenes and the plot line of organ thieves was pretty interesting. There were also some cool nods to the TV show (pencils stuck in the ceiling, the "I Want to Believe" poster, the music), but that almost made it even harder to understand why the movie chose to go down a path that is seemingly unrelated to anything of importance related to the show.

I saw this film with someone who wasn't familiar with the TV series, but who really enjoyed the movie on its own merit. Yet while I can appreciate the well-done aspects of the film, I can't get past the sense that, after six years of unanswered questions, this one felt like a lost opportunity.

Freaking "Massive Head Wound Harry."

Do I have to say anything else?

Vintage Dana Carvey from one of the heydays of SNL. Good times.

Limerick Friday LXXXVIII: Butch Uses Raise To Create UNC-Valdosta Campus

Admissions at Clemson turned him down
That says it all about this Dwight Jones clown
Suspended from high school, left Hargrave early
Went to Valdosta State, guess he learned to spell in a hurry
Mysteriously ended up at UNC, already with a cap and gown

Back-to-back majors for Paddy
He's officially become Sergio's daddy
Garcia usually misses a clutch putt or pitch
Then starts to act like a little bitch
Or pulls a Tiger and blames it all on his caddy

Condoleezza got packed off to Georgia the other day
On a peace mission is what the White House has to say
The irony is pretty hard not to see
As ironic as Mike's Hard Lemonade to me
Russia and Georgia have to be saying, "What the hay?"

On a related note, apparently Poland is now in the news
We're putting missiles there, which is giving Russia the blues
A defense shield in case we need to attack Iran's blokes
Leads to a lot of potential Pollock jokes
Once again, we have nothing to gain and everything to lose

"Bigfoot found in Georgia!" scream some folks
While others say it's a weak attempt at a hoax
His corpse in a freezer, imagine the Bigfoot stank
Like when Chewie dropped a grumpy in the Think Tank
I think they'll find it's Julius Peppers after many shaves and soaks

Last time …

"Sandpeople Killed My Mom"

There are a few things in the Star Wars sixology that make you go, "Huh?", but perhaps the one that stands out the most is when Anakin slaughters like 100 sandpeople, goes and tells his girlfriend Padme, and she is like, "That's all right. Shit happens."

One of my buddies decided to take that ridiculous scenario and turn it into a parody song on Funny or Die (well-timed for the release of the new Star Wars movie). It's sort of like Weird Al meets a Trekkie, with a dash of "sandpeople stink" thrown in for good measure. The line about drinking blue milk killed me.

Anyway, here 'tis. …

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

John Knoxville + Parkour + Evil Kneivel + Human Crash Test Dummy = True Rudy

He was "Rudy" before a hobbit walked onto the Notre Dame football team. He was a human crash test dummy before the Crash Test Dummies ever released an album. He was Johnny Knoxville in cleats, he was Evil Knievel in shoulder pads, he was Parkour on a football field. He was Tom Waddle, #87, wide receiver, Chicago Bears.

The other day, I was listening to Mike & Mike in the Morning on the way into work, and Waddle was serving as guest host. As he bantered with Greenie, the topic shifted to his playing career, and it brought back some vivid memories of his career. Waddle was five-foot-nothing, 180 pounds soaking wet, and there are two things I remember distinctly about him: 1) he caught anything that was thrown within a 15-foot radius of his hands and 2) he was on the wrong end of some of the most brutal hits I have ever seen in football.

On the show, Waddle mentioned a hit he took in 1994 from safety Thomas Everett of Tampa Bay, one that would effectively end his career. He sustained a gash on his chin that required 30 stitches, tore the MCL in his knee and suffered a bone chip in his hip—all on the same hit. Yet he still tried to walk off the field until the trainer forced him to stay on the ground because he was concerned that his helmet was basically holding his jaw on.

After a contract dispute with coach Dave "the 'Stache" Wannstedt—who was embarking on dismantling the first of two teams he would eventually ruin—Waddle retired at 28 years old, which seems like it was a very smart decision. Not only can he still form coherent sentences, but he now has a successful career as a radio personality in the Chicago area.

These characteristics led him to be much-loved by Bears fans (including my brother) and made him a favorite of then-coach Mike Ditka. Even though Chicago signed and released him six times over the course of his six-year career (1989-94), Waddle represented the gutsy, tough-as-nails nature of the Windy City perfectly, and also led the team in receiving twice in that stretch. In one of the most amazing playoff performances ever, Waddle caught nine passes for 104 yards and a touchdown against the Dallas Cowboys in 1991—while setting an unofficial record by having to use smelling salts three times during the course of the game. In addition to the triple-smelling-salt dosage, Waddle was also taken back for X-rays and seemed to always have a fleet of doctors surrounding him. On Mike & Mike in the Morning, he admitted that he has no recollection of playing the fourth quarter of that game. As if that weren't remarkable enough, Waddle actually caught a touchdown pass in that quarter. Perhaps the defining image of his career came in that game, with Waddle laying on the ground as the Soldier Field crowd chanted his name.



On the strength of that game and his remarkable display of courage (or stupidity, depending on your point of view), Waddle was singled out by broadcaster John Madden, who gushed about him all game and said, "What a warrior he has been today," then later named Waddle to his 1991 All-Madden Team.

With modest career marks of 173 receptions for 2,109 yards and nine touchdowns, Waddle is more of a footmark in Bears history than anything else, but he is still fiercely beloved by the Chicago faithful. He was on the receiving end of a lot of passes, but even more devastating hits. He was the quintessential slow white wideout from Boston College, but he once beat Deion Sanders deep for a touchdown. And on top of everything else, he had kind of a spiked mullet, to boot.

He was an average player who beat out scores of players with more talent simply because of his heart. He never made a Pro Bowl and he seemed to pass in and out of Bears lore in a heartbeat … but if I found a #87 Waddle jersey and gave it to my brother, I'm pretty sure he would shed a tear. Because Tom Waddle personifies the team and the town about as much as Dick Butkus, Walter Payton, Gale Sayers and Mike Singletary.

And something tells me that if he had to beat a hobbit in a footrace for the true title of "Rudy," he might not win—but he would trip him, punch him in the neck and cross the finish line first.

Go Waddle.

"Tommy Just Made Trojan Scout!"

"Butt Favre's Back and Your Defense Is In Trouble ..."

As if I needed another reason to hate the Jests, some guy named Brett Favre apparently was traded to them recently. Favre is something of a mystery man; there was some mention that he had retired, but he sort of fell off the radar and avoided the media for a long time. Anyway, now he is back, and according to John Madden, he is so good that he will apparently play the entire 2008 season wearing Wranglers.

Madden is about two pork rinds away from a massive coronary, so hopefully they had defibrillators standing by when Favre announced he was coming out of retirement. I heard Madden and Peter King fought over Favre's affections in the cafeteria at the Hall of Fame ceremonies earlier this month. Dan Dierdorf started to break it up, but was entranced by Joe Montana's eyes.

Check out Madden's new song celebrating Favre's return to the league, as shared by Frank Caliendo on "Mike & Mike in the Morning" …

Limerick Friday LXXXVII: Awesome Opening Ceremony … Do You Smell Something Burning?

A ceremony to remember in Beijing
Don't worry about that pesky Tibet thing
And pay no attention to the pollution
Or that guy burning himself as a solution
At the Olympics, human rights ain't exactly king

The national convention will have a surprise speaker?
And it's not a pants-suit-wearing presidential seeker
The Democrats have turned to Clinton, but it's Bill
Not aging well, but he knows how to give crowds a thrill
For conservatives and Fox News, the outlook keeps getting bleaker

Preparing for the my fantasy draft
Taking Brett Favre would be pretty daft
Do I get points for Steve Smith's teammate punches?
Will Matt Leinart keep throwing picks in bunches?
I thought about picking a Dolphin, then just laughed

The White House is the next goal for Tyra Banks?
As what, the Cabinet Interior Secretary of Skanks?
She dressed up as Michelle Obama for Bazaar
With weight fluctuation that is rather bizarre
A manic-depressive joke as First Lady? No thanks

Jim Tressel runs a tight ship there at OSU
Suspended a coupla players for a game or two
Except one was supposed to miss last year's title game
But mysteriously reinstated, Donald Washington was his name
But Cheatie McSweatervest will make sure he's back for USC, 'tis true

Last time …

"I'm, Like, Tired Of The Old, Wrinkly, White-Haired Guy"

This one was pointed out to me this morning. It represents Paris Hilton's response to McCain's decision to "attack" Obama for being a "celebrity" like Paris or Britney. Only a Republican could try to spin popularity into being a bad thing, but anyway.

Enjoy.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

"Dat's A Baker's Dozen For Me, Bob"

It ain't football time 'til Bill Sweksis and the Super Fans say it is.

Da ... Bears!

Best-Teammate Bout: Michael Westbrook vs. Steve Smith

Yesterday, in the heat and humidity of Spartanburg and the monotony of NFL training camp, Carolina Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith got tired of looking across the line of scrimmage into the eyes of cornerback Ken Lucas. So he began to punch one of those eyes repeatedly.

It was the second such incident in Smith's career, and when you throw in his blowup at his coaches on the sidelines of a playoff game, you'll see that Smith either has 'roid rage, manic-depression or deep, Adam Sandler-level anger management issues. It harkens back to the days of Michael Westbrook, an enormous draft bust of the Washington Redskins whose beat-up-teammate total nearly eclipsed his number of career touchdowns.

Maybe it's just me, but I think I read about enough players falling by the wayside with injuries each and every day. You would think that teams would be against injuries inflicted by players on the same damn team. So who would make the better teammate? Let's take a look at 17 (don't ask) defining factors in this …

Tale of the Tape!

Middle Name …
Westbrook: Deanailo
Smith: Latrall
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Both guys have normal-sounding names until you get to the middle. It's like the naming party simply couldn't help themselves. Apparently, Michael was named for both Dean Martin and Kato Kailin

College …
Westbrook: Colorado
Smith: Utah
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Colorado pays its players and brings them to strip clubs on recruiting trips; Utah is smack dab in the middle of Mormon country

Drafted …
Westbrook: Fourth overall, 1995, Washington Redskins
Smith: 74th overall, 2001, Carolina Panthers
Advantage: SMITH. Westbrook entered the league with much hype, then slipped away like Keyser Soze; Smith came into the NFL fueled by the perception that Carolina wasted a third-round pick on a punt returner, and quickly developed into a star wideout

Name Sounds Like A …
Westbrook: Tennis player
Smith: Golfer
Advantage: SMITH. Tennis players usually have one big arm and one little arm, and they smell like cabbage; golfers basically have slaves and can make a quarter of a million dollars by finishing in 23rd place

Known For …
Westbrook: Dropping passes; dropping a teammate
Smith: Being awesome; dropping teammates
Advantage: SMITH. If you're going to be an asshole, you might as well be good

Leadership skills …
Westbrook: Once demolished teammate Stephen Davis
Smith: Once farted in teammate Stephen Davis's locker and closed it really fast
Advantage: PUSH. Smith enjoys eating habanero wings at Mexican joints

Details …
Westbrook: Attacked Davis (see #9) during a 1997 practice, caught by several TV cameras
Smith: Attacked Anthony Bright during a 2002 film session, breaking his nose and putting him in the hospital for two days; attacked Ken Lucas during a 2008 training camp practice, blackening Lucas's eye and forcing him to be carted off the field
Advantage: SMITH. Westbrook never had to defend his title, while Smith is asking management to bring in Miguel Cotto to boost his record

Punishment …
Westbrook: Fined $50,000; out of league five years later
Smith: Suspend for one game, jailed; selected to three Pro Bowls, signed to $27 million contract
Advantage: SMITH. That's a lot of money to be spent on out-of-court settlements and hospital bills. Conceivably, he could assault teammates for years and not feel the pinch

What Happened Soon After …
Westbrook: Kids repeatedly egged Westbrook's house for repeatedly dropping passes
Smith: Forced to go to anger management, sued by Bright, settled out of court
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Westbrook apparently lived near Albert Belle, a Baltimore Oriole at the time, so children quickly learned that petty vandalism is not worth being run over by an SUV (see #4) piloted by a large, disturbed black man

What We Learned …
Westbrook: Don't call Michael Westbrook "gay"
Smith: Don't fight Stephen Smith unless your health-care insurance is up-to-date
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Teaching yourself not to call someone a homo seems easier than trying to avoid getting pounded simply because you wear the same uniform as Smith

Suspected Of …
Westbrook: May have killed Heath Shuler
Smith: May have killed Fred Lane
Advantage: WESTBROOK. A Congressman vs. a journeyman back? Well-played, Michael; well-played

Interesting Fact …
Westbrook: Caught the winning touchdown over the Wolverines on a last-second Hail Mary, dubbed "The Miracle in Michigan"
Smith: Has tattoos of Papa Smurf, Superman symbol and the Tasmanian devil
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Everyone hates Bitchigan. Tattoos of diminutive, slightly creepy cartoon characters does not improve your street cred; in fact, they may be the source of Smith's repeated confrontations

The Probably Not-a-Good Idea File …
Westbrook: Has fought in a steel-cage match
Smith: Coaches a youth soccer team
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Guy turned beating up teammates into a career choice. Big ups. At least Westbrook seems equipped to handle himself in this setting; on the other hand, I'm not sure you want Smith teaching your 7-year-old how to rabbit punch an unsuspecting, acne-wracked kid chasing a soccer ball

Relationship With Media …
Westbrook: Surprisingly, obscure Brazilian martial arts don't bring too many media hordes into Westbrook's everyday life—aside from the Goiania Jiu-Jitsu Journal
Smith: Once referred to writers as "buttholes" and keeps negative clippings in his locker; suffers from black Irish Alzheimer's: he forgets everything but a grudge
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Am I the only one who thinks that it's only a matter of time before Smith drops Peter King like a bag of dirt? Wait … on second thought, change this one to SMITH

Post-Playing Career Plans …
Westbrook: Competes in mixed martial arts and Brazilian jiu-jitsu
Smith: Olympic soccer coach who beats the ever-lovin' christ out of anyone who gets a yellow card
Advantage: WESTBROOK. "Jet Li. Jackie Chan. Chris Tucker. Michael Westbrook. In 'Shanghai Rush Hour 6'." A man can dream, can't he?

Post-Playing Career Accolades …
Westbrook: Won 2008 IBJJF World Championship at purple belt
Smith: Wins 2014 bronze medal in soccer; celebrates by punching Freddy Adu in the beans, karate-chopping Beckham in the throat and scissor-kicking Posh Spice
Advantage: SMITH. I mean, everybody wants to see the Beckhams writhing on the ground, right?

Thoughts On Favre …
Westbrook: "Stay retired. Fucker throws the ball too hard anyway. But I do like his Wranglers commercials."
Smith: "Shut the fuck up and go dig mud in Mississippi, bitch. Unless you want to play for the Panthers, in which case, I have a strict policy against pummeling old men, quarterbacks, or both."
Advantage: SMITH. I think any football fan would pay to see the interaction between Butt Favre and "Prick" Smith on the sidelines

WINNER
Eight for Westbrook, eight for Smith, one push. A tie. I guess they'll have to fight it out amongst themselves …

Limerick Friday LXXXVI: McCain, Favre To Star In "Grumpy Old Men 2"

McCain fighting rickets and trying every last trick
But increasingly just looking like a prick
The latest from Bush's confused great grand-dad
Compares Obama to Britney and Paris in an ad
Too bad he's just turning off more with his schtick

Screwed over for years by the Hall
Had him asking, "Can't I get in at all?"
With stats that jump off the page
Art Monk deserves his induction stage
What the f took so long is the question for football

You sit back and read it for a hoot
An Asian in an arcade in a zoot suit
Like a train wreck you can't look away from
A disturbing blog that is funny, sad and then some
Girls try to get away, then say, "No more parachute!"

Green Bay said, "We'll give you 20 million bucks
If you'll just go to Del Boca with the other old fucks"
That certainly buys a lot of Vicadin
So you can quit retiring again and again
The Packerazzi is standing by to film Favre's intercepted ducks

It's finally college football time for the Pack
Fall camp started with a thump and a whack
A tough schedule requires a coach that is calm
Even if questions abound for State and Major Tom
For now, it's just good to see the Red and White back

Last time …