Limerick Friday LXIII: Who Wants To See A Mayor On “Cheaters”?

When Rudy Giuliani cheated on his wife for a thrill
It turns out New Yorkers had to foot the bill
He had cops to watch his back
As he fondled his mistress’s rack
Of lying, cheating Republicans, haven’t we all had our fill?

So many injuries early on, I’d say what the hell
My team was good, but how good I couldn’t tell
When healthy, I finished on a league-best high
Even earned myself a needed first-round bye
But the Scooters won’t be satisfied until we rule the whole WFFL

A 45-point loss for the horrific New York Knicks
Even worse, the team is made up a bunch of pricks
Led by the A-No. 1 piece of shit, Isaiah Thomas
Destroys all he touches, that’s a certain promise
All he does is lose games and harass women for kicks

Speaking of loser pieces of shit
Who screw up everywhere that they sit
W is back at it yet again
Warning Congress to approve more money to spend
So he can ruin another Christmas for soldiers stuck in that Iraq pit

Another taken too early, for sure
Sean Taylor has been killed at just 24
They say you’d turned your life around
Your feet firmly planted on the ground
He’ll still be knocking out receivers at heaven’s door

Last time ...

Nike: Just Got Caught Doing It

Man, I had no idea that TGRK could run that fast ...

New Rule: Get Your Rabies Shot Before Designing An End-Zone Dance

I have a friend who had a philosophy that anyone caught kneeling in prayer in the end zone after a touchdown was subject to being speared in the back without penalty. Under his theoretical commissioner rule, any opponent had a free eight-second window in which to drill the player sans punishment. Seemed like a reasonable rule to me … and one that should probably be expanded to some of these ridiculous end-zone celebrations. I know that when Donovan McNabb scored against the Dolphins one time and starting doing some retarded “Teen Wolf” dance, I was praying that Zach Thomas would enjoy a 35-yard full-speed sprint at him and deliver a spleen-rupturing shiver to the lower-back area.

This philosophy also brings me to the greatest moment in the Auburn-Alabama game (well, besides the fact that the Tigers won—money well-spent, Tide!). The Auburn cornerback Jerraud Powers decides to do some gay celebration roughly four inches from an attack dog’s mouth, then gets bit on the hand. Perhaps the best part is the dude takes a swing at the dog and the dog easily ducks it and continues to stare him down. In the meantime, the cop just stands there watching, with no reaction whatsoever. Hell, you come over and start doing a stupid dance too close to a dog, you’re going to get bit. And if you take a swing at said dog, you’re going to get hit. What the hell was the cop doing? Also, why couldn’t the pup take a nip at Alabama coach Nick Satan while he was at it?



So to borrow from Bill Maher, new rule*: Anyone caught doing anything more than spiking the ball or hugging a teammate will be attacked by a rabid dog for a period no shorter than 35 seconds, the length of the play clock. Who’s with me?

* EDITOR'S NOTE: This rule will be tested on an experimental basis during the Norfolk Correctional Facility intramural flag football game, starring Michael Vick himself. The Scooter & Hum in-box has been flooded with dogs volunteering to take part in this venture for free.

Guru.com: Haley Joel Osment Needing Big Money-Time German Singing Song

I’ve written previously about some outstanding Guru.com assignments here, here and here, so I thought it was high time to give an update on some of the “special” projects that have been rolling down the Guru.com pike …

Title: The Real Sixth Sense
Project ID: 339411
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
"Need help writing facts on an additional sixth sense that everyone is born with
-- like we are born with the other 5: taste, smell, touch, sight, sound.
Unless one is born with a birth defect of one or more of these "senses".

"We all have it. I just need to let everyone else know. I don't know how to
write it to express how important this "six sense" is. I need someone to help
me to express this new reality. I also need someone who is and will be very
confidential and loyal to the project and its mission of enlightenment. It may
one day help "individuals" to understand confusion, controvesy and chaos and,
more importantly, how to avoid it at all costs."

Commentary: I have been trying to understand confusion, controversy and chaos for years, but this sounds like an X-Files episode. Unless you can produce Agent Scully toot-sweet, I’m going to count my blessings that I don’t have any sixth-sense birth defects or know any “facts” about the new reality. In fact, in matters such as these, I usually turn to “Seinfeld”:

"I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."
"Cheapness is not a sense."
- George and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"



Title: Creating copywriting for Web content
Project ID: 349387
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
"I upload draft for reference. Need creating rewriting for web content."

Commentary: You e-mail will.stanley@ezutrailerpark.com info for help giving. Help too writing reading Web time happy hour. Rain comin roll windos stay away dumpster at dark.




Title: Need a song/songwriter
Project ID: 352592
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
"My Daughter Alexa is very close to achieving a record deal in Germany with either one major record company very interested her or another Independent that is interested. They are working on one particular R&B Ballad which is a potential front runner for her first single and she has a number of other songs already prodyuced towards her first album. However, everyone agrees that she needs a more upbeat song of quality and potential which could potentially overtake the Ballad for the likely first single release.

"Alexa is currently touring as a vocalist with the Tran Siberian Orchestra. Check out www.trans-siberian.com and www.Alexa1.co.uk ( TSO are huge in America.) Alexa is really a solo artist or lead vocalist but with the TSO she is one of the backing vocalists. At 18 she is the youngest person ever to be selected for TSO and normally it is at least 21 years of age before you even get a slim chance so they recognise her talent and potential and they also have big things in mind for Alexa BUT what we desperately need is a potential number 1 hit for her solo career that is a bit upbeat in a sort of Rhianna type mode. can you help???? I would like to speak to/hear from anyone who genuinely feels that they have already written or could write a song for Alexa that will give the record company and her producers in Berlin what they are asking for and looking for. Please contact me as soon as possible if you feel you can achieve this for us but please chexck out her site before so you can get a feel of what she is all about."

Commentary: I don’t know who Rhianna is, but the idea of a mustachioed German pop tart overtaking the airwaves is frighteningly appealing. In fact, I’m frightened at how much I am appealed. But this sounds more like a job for the toast of Germany … David Hasselhoff.

I’ll Have The F%$king Flapjacks With A Side of God@#*& Grits

It was difficult to say goodbye to HBO’s “Deadwood,” especially coming on the heels of the “Sopranos” taking their journey into that good night. Al Swearengen was one of the most memorable dramatic characters in recent memory. Most “respecatable” folks will tell you that cursing represents the utterings of the ignorant, but Ian McShane’s Swearengen elevated it into an absolute art form.

Hell, he turned ordering pancakes into a soliloquy on swearing …

Enjoy The Fucking Cranberry Sauce

Just wanted to wish everybody out there a happy T-Bird day. Travely safely and be healthy …

“Gee Ma, sorry, I thought since we massacred his people and all, the least we could do is give him a little fucking cranberry sauce.”



Happy Thanksgiving to everyone -- even Chief Running Bull.

Shit-Canned SNL Cast Is Out Of Sight … Out Of Mind

As the writer’s strike continues, rumors are filtering down that many shows are starting to axe much of their staffs. At NBC, Saturday Night Live has fired a reported 90% of the members of the program. Meanwhile, over at rival CBS, David Letterman has apparently informed his staff that he will pay them out of his own pocket until the strike is over.

You can fill in your own joke here about how bad SNL has sucked over the past five years or more and how it will be hard to tell that they don’t have writers anymore, but it sure makes you wonder just how long this strike will persist. It also makes me hearken back to the days when Saturday Night Live was a staple, carried by talents just as Phil Hartman, Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon, Jan Hooks, Victoria Jackson, et al. I don’t recognize Dennis Miller as part of that ensemble anymore since he has turned into an unfunny, raving Republican lunatic.

The SNL news made me go looking for some of my favorite old-school skits, and I quickly stumbled upon one of my favorites. I’ve been lobbying Target to carry this item for years …

‘Roid You Very Much

State plays Maryland this week on Senior Day in the last regular-season game of the year. The winner gets a bowl game; the loser gets to watch Kirk Herbstreit use ESPN to singlehandedly try to vote fraudulent Ohio State into the championship game.

In honor of the arrival of the hated Terrapins, I offer this video of Maryland posterboy convict Shawn Merriman. As a proven steroid freak, he can easily blow through a running back’s block to sack the quarterback, right?



Perhaps not. Because Maurice Jones-Drew looks like Mighty Mouse and has bigger legs than Roseanne Barr.

Sorry, Mr. Merriman … for you, HGH now stands for Hit Ground Hard. And Chris Tucker’s got a coupla words for you here …

At Top Gun Car Lot, Jester's Dead!

The Dolphins are 0-10 after snatching defeat from the jaws of victory once again.

The Rex Grossman Era is back on in Chicago.

State football has 15 guys on the injury report and just lost two unsigned recruits to knee injuries.

Pack hoops features players who are already bitching about playing time two games into the season.

Chuck Amato and Herb Sendek got together to sacrifice a pair of Oakleys in a day-tight compartment to put a curse on the Wolfpack.

Even my fantasy football team lost this week.

I just needed something to make me smile ...

Limerick Friday LXII: Bonds Jailed; Head Assigned Separate Cell

Your head is bigger than that of a sperm whale
Took so many steroids that you began to grow a tail
You lied and you lied and we said, “Tsk, tsk”
Everything you’ve done comes with an asterisk
Hey Barry, you might want to bring that bat with you to jail

There once was a rookie named J.J.
Everyone thought he’d turn out OK
Then he scored 31, which is a lot
And he did it without missing a shot
Could you please get us a title before you go to the NBA?

I have a pet peeve that makes my head ache
And I’m not sure how much more I can take
It’s when people walk on the hall’s left side
And with me they almost always collide
It works like the rules of the road, for christ’s sake!

They say Beck throws a spiral like a frozen rope
And now Ricky Williams is back from smoking dope
This Dolphins season is in the back of a hearse
At 0-9, it certainly can’t get much worse
But at least with some new blood, there’s a reason to hope

Edwards says Hillary can’t be trusted
Obama says her waffling must be busted
The Democrats take aim at each other
Clinton fights back like a bad mother
I don’t care as long as the Republican gets dusted

Against Arizona, a tough break for the Ducks
When Dennis Dixon got hurt, they said, “Aw, shucks”
They turned to the second-string quarterback for relief
Then gave up when they saw his name was Leaf
“Ryan’s brother is our backup?! Oh, what the fucks!”

Last time ...

Oh, What the Heck — Give It To Beck ...

Beck sang songs like “Loser” and “Totally Confused.” Was he talking about the Dolphins’ Cam Cameron? Beck also sang “He’s a Mighty Good Leader,” and Miami coach now has to hope that the musician’s namesake, rookie quarterback John Beck, represents that for the 0-9 ‘Fins.

At least one game too late, Cameron finally pulled the trigger and pegged rookie John Beck to take over the Miami offense. So what’s next for Beck? Back-to-back road games in hostile Philadelphia and in Pittsburgh against the NFL’s No. 1 defense. Thanks, coach.

For no apparent reason, Cameron elected to stick with Band-Aid Cleo Lemon — and by “Band-Aid,” I mean “not a Band-Aid at all” — against Buffalo in Miami, following the Dolphins bye. The situation screamed for Beck, a winnable home game after giving him two full weeks to prepare as the starter. Making the decision even worse, Cameron later said that Beck was the signal-caller “most prepared to play, even against Buffalo.” When he realized that he had openly admitted that he played the wrong quarterback against the Bills, he reversed field and said, “He wasn’t quite ready in my view.” You can almost hear the stuttering from here.

Getting the “honor” of piloting this Dolphins attack is a little like earning the promotion of engineer to a train wreck. Though Beck gives Dolfans hope, Miami has thrown in the towel on the campaign, trading away one of the few weapons in Chris Chambers in an effort to force-feed dubious first-rounder Ned Ginn, Jr. Tailback Ronnie Brown was lost for the year during his breakout season, though the ‘Fins could get Ricky Williams back. No matter what happens, Cameron has to hope that his young signal-caller doesn’t feel like he has to “Go It Alone” (another Beck song).

The defense that is charged with bailing Beck out of tough situations features star linebacker Zach Thomas, who has missed two games after being in a car accident – the same year he missed a few others with a concussion. Plus, ‘Fins fans just got a thumbs-up report that a rookie defensive end had successful surgery – on BOTH knees. As a bonus, Miami has started five different strong safeties this year.

What does Beck have going for him? As the 40th overall pick, he represented the third-highest pick Miami has spent on a quarterback in the past 30 years for the Dolphins. The other two – Hall of Famers Bob Griese and Dan Marino – turned out all right. Unlike former ‘Fins quarterbacks, he isn’t Hebrew, his ears and nose appear to be normal-sized, and he isn’t named Sage, Cleo or Gus.

He’ll be the 12th quarterback to start for the Dolphins since Dandy Dan Marino retired in 1999 (I don’t have the stomach to name them all here; if you’re a masochist, there’s a list here). At 26 years old, he’s theoretically mature and poised enough to handle the difficult road environments and the pressure that comes with finally trying to live up to the cleat marks left by legendary No. 13.

With the Dolphins likely plummeting toward the top overall pick, Cameron and general manager Randy Mueller simply have to find out what they have in Beck. If he doesn’t appear to be the answer, the franchise will have to look hard at standabout quarterbacks like Boston College’s Matt Ryan or Louisville’s Brian Brohm or Kentucky’s Andre’ Woodson in April's draft. Plus, as a previously mentioned 26-year-old, the clock is ticking with Beck; if he doesn’t show signs that he can be “the guy,” he likely isn’t going to develop into one before the end of his career.

If Beck chokes or falls flat on his face, it’s going to be even more demoralizing for Miami fans. After all, Beck also sang “I Feel Like A Piece of Shit” … which more and more has the sound of the Dolphins theme song for 2007.



EDITOR’S NOTE: The opening photo is courtesy of FamousMormons.net. Seriously.

... It Ain’t Tricky – Bring Back Ricky

“We’re 0-9 … I don’t care who you get. If you get bin Laden and he could run the ball like Ricky, I’d do anything for a victory.”

That’s a quote from Miami linebacker Joey Porter. After Dolphins coach Cam Cameron had asked the entire team not to comment on the Ricky Williams situation. But I guess when you’re making like $4 million per sack, you can say whatever you want.

Anyway, Porter echoes the sentiment reflected all across the ‘Fins locker room. Williams is a five-time loser in the NFL’s substance-abuse program, though he didn’t test positive for marijuana last time, when it cost him an 18-month absence from the game. He had been taking dietary supplements in conjunction with his intense immersion into yoga, and they registered as a banned substance for the NFL, which refused to hear his appeal and banished him once again. Fair enough. When you’ve dropped the ball (or the bong) as many times as Ricky has, it’s understandable when you don’t get the benefit of the doubt.

But now he’s back. After spending the past five months in Boston treatment center seeking psychological counseling, Williams was reinstated by the NFL yesterday and will meet with Cameron and team officials today.

Agent Leigh Steinberg said Ricky has been waiting to hear his fate on “pins and needles” – wrong choice of words there, Leigh. Pro Bowl defensive end Jason Taylor met with Cameron to discuss the Williams matter, then refused to discuss the content of the meeting. If he was there to voice his concerns or his disagreement with bringing Williams back aboard, the Hypocrite Train has room left for plenty more. Taylor has had enough bad publicity over the past few years over domestic issues to understand that there is more to the Williams story than meets the eye.

The best-case scenario for the Dolphins involves Ricky reporting to the team in game shape at 230 pounds – as has been reported – then debuting against Pittsburgh on Monday Night Football on November 26 and helping this team find some way, any way to win a ballgame. With Ronnie Brown out for the year and backup Jesse Chatman dealing with a bunch of nicks and scrapes, if Williams could come anywhere near the bulldozing force he was even a coupla years ago, he could really provide a needed boost of energy and attitude. Then Miami could keep Williams and his cap-friendly contract next year to provide relief for Brown or insurance in case Brown doesn’t return to form as quickly as hoped, or they could trade him in the offseason after proving and boosting his worth down the stretch of this season.

The worst-case scenario is that Williams still struggles with his social anxiety disorder and proves to be a distraction for the Dolphins and rookie quarterback John Beck – the pairing of Williams and Beck, who went to BYU, has already been dubbed “Marley Meets Mormon” by one Miami beat writer. Williams could fail another drug test and earn a lifetime ban.

It’s a justifiable risk-reward scenario for Miami and Cameron. Williams’s work ethic has never been questioned, and the Dolphins basically have nothing to lose at this point. He’s well-liked in the locker room, and if he has truly received the help he needs to deal with his social anxiety disorder and related use of pot to dull the effects of it, he deserves the chance to prove that with the Dolphins.

I’m not ready to dust off my No. 34 ‘Fins jersey just yet, but it’s easy to pull for Ricky the person. In a lost season, he could give Dolfans something to believe in, on and off the field.

B-Deuce Has Got Your Goat

So ... what’s M.I.A. Brenty Brandow been up to of late, you ask? Raising children the by-god right and proper way. That’s what.


RAM PINATA from JBOOTY on Vimeo.

Shula Said What Everyone Else Is Afraid To Say

“The Spygate thing has diminished what (the Patriots) have accomplished.”

That’s what Don Shula was quote as saying to the New York Daily News. If you’re a knowledgeable football fan, the only response you could possibly have to such a statement is, “Yeah, that’s true.”

So why is Shula getting blasted by everyone from the San Francisco Chronicle to USA Today? Because he said what everyone else is thinking, but is afraid to voice. He compared the Patsies’ spying scandal to Barry Bonds breaking Major League Baseball’s treasured home run record, wondering if an asterisk should be applied to either. He never once said that the record should have an asterisk, as has been widely attributed to him.

Apparently, every talking head on ESPN can talk about whether Bonds belongs in the Hall of Fame, how his record should be recognized by the league, whether an asterisk needs to be placed alongside his name and whether Cooperstown has a room big enough to fit his steroids-inflated head. But question a borderline sociopath like Bill Belichick – after he has been caught cheating! – and all of a sudden you’re a washed-up, grumpy old man.

Here are the facts in this story: Shula is the winningest coach in the NFL, boasting 347 career victories. He’s recognized as one of the innovators of the game. He served on the NFL’s competition committee for 21 years. The Patriots are 9-0. They were caught cheating and punished by the NFL after the first game of the season. They had their No. 1 draft choice taken away and the owner was fined $250,000. Belichick was fined half a million dollars. The league destroyed the tapes that caught New England in the act of cheating.

Shula did not go chasing this story; he was asked a question about the possibility of the Patriots going 19-0 and asked whether the cheating situation earlier in the year would blemish such an achievement. He answered honestly, as he always has. While commissioner Roger Goodell and the NFL would love to sweep the whole pesky cheating thing under the same rug that hides the way it treats its former players, the reality is that they won’t be able to hide the facts of the Patsies’ transgression. Hell, even in April, during the NFL Draft, the ESPN scroll will come to New England’s pick at No. 32 and it will have to read: “New England, No. 32 (forfeited – cheating).”

How will Bill Simmons explain that to his son someday?

SportsBoyWhoGetsBeatUpALot: Wow, Dad, New England had a great team in 2007!
SportsGay: You bet, son. That’s the year I tried to have sex with Kevin Garnett.
SBWGBUAL: I read some of your 6,409 articles about that year, Dad. It sounds like they did an amazing job of drafting and trading a fourth-rounder for Randy Moss!
SG: No kidding. Back then, they couldn’t do any wrong. Everyone they picked in the draft became a real impact player for them. Belichick certainly had an eye for talent. And a great fashion sense as well.
SBWGBUAL: Really? Man, that must have been something. Who did they pick in the first round after they won the Super Bowl? A speedy running back as insurance against Maroney’s injuries? Another hard-hitting linebacker since Bruschi and Vrabel were getting older?
SG: Oh … first round? They, uh, they didn’t have a first-rounder that year.
SBWGBUAL: What? But they only gave up a fourth-rounder for Moss … who did they get if they traded the first-rounder?
SG: Well, they didn’t technically trade it. Well, they sort of traded it to the commissioner as a cover-up for … listen, son, we don’t really talk about this.
SBWGBUAL: I don’t get it, Dad. The commissioner?
SG: Well, they got caught cheating that year.
SBWGBUAL: Cheating?!
SG: Well, it’s complicated. I blame Rick Pitino.
SBWGBUAL: Why didn’t you tell me, Dad?! Cheating? But you gave me one of Tom Brady’s old cups for Christmas last year! Those guys were cheating?!
SG: I didn’t think you were ready to hear it. It’s all untrue, I swear!
SBWGBUAL: You’re not my father!
SG: I always thought you did look a lot more like Jimmy Kimmel than me …

Everyone in the media is quick to gloss over the cheating, but when LaDanian Tomlinson, one of the most standup guys in the game, laughs, shakes his head and says everyone knows the Patriots are cheaters, that can’t be forgotten. When other coaches bring up anecdotes about how their headsets mysteriously stopped working at crucial times in New England, that can’t be swept aside.

And why do you think the NFL quietly destroyed the incriminating tapes, without reason? Because they didn’t want nosy media types replaying the tapes over and over during the two-week buildup to the Super Bowl, highlighting the league’s “model” franchise as dogged and repeat cheaters. The NFL doesn’t want anyone to know just how deep the cheating goes, and they don’t want to give the same “journalists” who blow Belicheat and Brady on-air 24/7 any more ammunition to go digging for anything more.

As Greg Cote of the Miami Herald wrote, Shula was not only fair to question the Patsies – but he was right. He just has more stones than the media that wants to glorify cheaters and the NFL that wants to protect its ratings by propping up one of its more marketable teams.

Shame on Shula? Horseshit. Shame on Goodell. Shame on the NFL. And shame on the “men” that are paid to cover it.

State 31, UNC 27

Hi.Freaking.Larious.

Limerick Friday LXI: Go To Hell, Carolina

It’s State-UNC once again
Tough seasons for both coming in
Questions about Butch’s future in blue
So much Arkansas money, what will he do?
Oh well, may the best (non-gay blue) team win

Misguided W tried yet another veto
Congress overrode and told him just where to go
He’d rather keep funding the disaster in Iraq
Then spend to help bring New Orleans back
He’s spreading the bullshit instead of helping the water flow

Once again, Tom Cruise got dissed
He had a dinner and co-stars were missed
Robert Redford has had enough Scientology
Meryl Streep not a fan of his acting methodology
Put Cruise and Katie Holmes on the “crazy eyes” list

It’s California vs. the EPA
The Governator wants clean air today
Limiting emissions will get Hummers off the street
Making Hollywood jackasses drive hybrids is no easy feat
Good for Arnold—our lazy government needs to pay

George Clooney and freaking Fabio?
Shoving each other in clothes made for disco?
Fabio said “Pass the butter, not Parkay!”
Clooney said “I love Matt Damon, and that’s OK!”
When Fabio drove off, everyone said, “I can’t believe that’s a Geo”

Last time ...

"I'm A Man! You're A Donut Bumper!" Revisited

So you probably remember this unforgettable tirade by Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy from a coupla months back.

Well, Coach Gundy "Rhymes with Ted Bundy" is back. And this time he's pissed at the weather. I mean, isn't it always partly cloudy? Am I right, people!

I'm 40!

SiLo Getting Pack Geared Up For Regular Season

I was able to cover NC State’s exhibition victories over Barton College and UNC-Pembroke for Pack Pride, and I came away even more optimistic about the Wolfpack’s chances this year. Apparently, ESPN.com’s Pat Forde feels the same way. In this well-researched article, he ranks State as the #10 team in the land.

In the same piece, he mentions the ACC as the #3 conference in the country, former Pack star Dereck Whittenburg as the #1 coach doing an underrated job and the state of North Carolina as #4 in the top five general fan bases in the nation.

It’s also interesting to note (nod to broadcaster Vin Scully for the turn of phrase) that UNC is #4 on the list of teams trying to forget how last year ended, while Travelin’ Tyler Hansbrough is considered the top guy to boo in the country. No truth to the rumor that his will was ranked #2.

As for the Pack, the question that will be asked for the next five months certainly won’t be answered after two exhibition games: is there a point guard on the roster that can steer the ship? Transfer Farnold Degand is as quick as advertised, but he didn’t knock down a perimeter shot in the first two exhibitions and didn’t show much of an inability to penetrate zone defenses. He passed up a few open looks, but did show that his greatest strength might be his stifling defense.

The best news for State on the evening might have been freshman Javy Gonzalez taking part in the shootaround prior to the game, a smaller cast on the thumb he broke a couple of months ago. A combination of Degand, Gonzalez and even transfer Marques Johnson, who will be eligible after the fall semester, should work together to give NC State enough firepower at the point guard spot to challenge for the top of the ACC — because all the other pieces are in place.

P.S. Apparently, Ohio State lost to Findlay last night in an exhibition game, 70-68. No, not the national team from Finland -- Findlay. A Division II team. For comparison's sake, NC State beat the Division II defending champions ... by 37 points. Of course, Buckeye Fan will tell you that only football matters in C-Bus -- well, except for last year, when they went to the title game. Oh well. At least it gives me an opportunity to revisit the greatest Ohio State video tribute of all time.

Photo courtesy of Jeff Reeves of Pack Pride …

What Happened While Tedy Bruschi Tied His Cleats

That dude above broke one of the most significant NFL records of all-time yesterday. But you probably didn’t hear about it because he wasn’t playing in the game of the millennium. And you probably don’t know who he is because he hasn’t been caught cheating, doing ‘roids, shooting up strip clubs or impregnating supermodels.

Adrian Peterson, aka "Purple Jesus," ran for 296 yards yesterday, breaking the record of 295 yards previously held by Jamal Lewis. Adrian Peterson ran for 253 of those yards in the freaking second half alone. Adrian Peterson also became the first rookie in the history of the game to rush for more than 200 yards in a single game twice in one season. Yes, you read that right — Adrian Peterson is a rookie.

Granted, football isn’t a stats-driven sport like baseball. But I find it odd and insulting that no one found this accomplishment worthy enough to break into the Colts-Patriots game to mention it. I mean, Peterson broke one of the most prestigious single-game records in the game. Did we really need another shot of Bill Belicheat frowning or Tom Brady rubbing his chin butt or Peyton Manning massaging his horse neck instead? After all the hype surrounding “Super Bowl 41 and a Half,” you would have thought that the sheer amount of air generated by the amazing spirals tossed by Brady and Manning would have put out wildfires in San Diego or evaporated floodwaters in Haiti. But actually, all we learned was that it was only a game between two really good teams — and that Jim Nance wants to have sex with Tom Brady while Phil Simms watches with a Natty Light in his hand.

So I apologize on behalf of the football world, Adrian Peterson. Good on you. I’m just sorry that no one noticed the best story of the day -- during the most overhyped game of all time.

Limerick Friday LX: Coke, Candidates, Casting and Copywriting

The Swiss Miss has taken her racket and run
Tested positive for cocaine at Wimbledon
We thought she was just promoting Coke
But doing lines instead of just taking a toke?
Hon, the “I never took drugs” defense ain’t a winning one

Would you vote for Stephen Colbert?
As Prez, he’d bring a humorous air
Everyone’s scared that he’d do better
Than that illiterate, alcoholic Daddy debtor
Four more Republican years, none of us can bear

Do you pull for Peyton Manning, that tool?
Do you root for Belichick, who cheats like a fool?
They’re calling it Super Bowl 41 and a half
Marketing so out of control you have to laugh
I think I’d rather watch a girl drop a grumpy in a pool

Barack drops by Durham to make things clear
But he’ll have a tough time getting votes here
Especially when he won’t talk to the press
Even to clear up his related-to-Cheney mess
Yo Obama, don’t fall for it when Dick asks you to go hunting deer

Writers’ strike threatening Hollywood
If anyone could fill in, I could
I’ll be a scab and everything will be fine
I’ll script “Grey’s Anatomy” when I cross the picket line
“Mr. Vogelsberg, the network says Izzy topless doing surgery isn’t good”

Last time ...

Stop The Zombies -- Bomb Iran!

Our dazed and confused leader goes nucular on the latest threat to our national security ...