Limerick Friday LXXXXIX: Satan Descends On Baton Rouge, Napping At Hooters Is Fun

The douche returns to the bayou
Death Valley certain to be a drunken zoo
Saban lies, cheats and threatens the press
Blames everyone else for his self-made mess
Payback could be at hand for a fired-up LSU

Hope has become real, thanks to this brave man
As change has come to our hurting land
"Fix all this please," is all we can say
As America enters a bright new day
Now all seems possible as we whisper, "Yes we can"

From Wanchese to Corolla, beauty around every bend
A breeze off the sound casts your worries to the wind
A sunset that you always want to keep your eyes on
A bright future unrolling just beyond the horizon
Nothing like a trip to the OBX to help your soul mend

Only a coupla more months with W we're stuck
A brutal eight years ending with him a lame duck
Americans in every state are counting the hours
While he "leads" with the help of whiskey sours
I'm ready to say goodbye to a Prez who wasn't worth a $#@%

Stripes a 350-yard drive without hesitation or fear
Staggers to the next tee with a heater and a beer
Brought white trash to the PGA Tour
A fan favorite that everyone does adore
But not sure passing out in Hooters parking lot is good for his career

Last time …

Water Is Wet, Sky Is Blue, Sarah Palin Dumber Than Box Of Dirt

Now, I think it's widely accepted at this point that calling Fox News a news source is an insult to journalism itself. However, they have reached new lows, as revealed when the network basically admitted that it refused to air essential facts regarding Sarah Palin. For instance—she didn't know Africa was a continent. Read that again. Slowly.

I don't care how biased you are or how much of a shill for the GOP you are … but at some point, doesn't pure decency toward your fellow citizens lead you to actually feel ashamed for keeping such things from a voting public? People who are against the war are unpatriotic, but hiding the mind-numbing lack of qualification of a major-office candidate who is one skin-cancer recurrence away from being the leader of the free world is not?

I knew Sarah Palin was dangerous to our country long ago, around the time when she was talking about the end of days and claimed that living in Alaska means you're an expert on Russia. After all, I lived in Alaska for three years and never once picked up any fascinating insight into the tenets of communist thought by osmosis. I mean, I gained a mysterious affinity for vodka and potatoes, but I don't have any definitive proof that that was related to my newfound proximity to Moscow.

But Fox News and GOP have now shamed themselves to the point where it's difficult to see how they can even look in the mirror. Then again, I doubt they ever deign to do so … especially after anointing Sarah Palin the "brave new voice" of the Republic Party. Good luck with that.

Carry on.

Yes, We Did.

I've regained some hope in my country—and as our new President says, there can be nothing false about hope. Somewhere, RFK and MLK are smiling.



Today, I'm giving a well-deserved, long, slow clap for America. And I'm all cried out.

Yes, We Can.

"Sometimes it falls upon a generation to be great. You can be that great generation."
—Nelson Mandela

"The activist is not the man who says the river is dirty. The activist is the man who cleans up the river."
—Ross Perot

"Be the change you want to see in the world."
—Mahatma Ghandi

"Progress is a nice word. But change is its motivator. And change has its enemies.
There are those who look at things the way they are, and ask why ... I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?"

—Robert Kennedy

"For I am getting to an age where I have a sense of what satisfies me, and although I am perhaps more tolerant of compromise … I know that my satisfaction is not to be found in the glare of television cameras or the applause of the crowd. Instead, it seems to come more often now from knowing that in some demonstrable way I've been able to help people live their lives with some measure of dignity. I think of what Benjamin Franklin wrote to his mother, explaining why he had devoted so much of his time to public service: 'I would rather have it said, He lived usefully, than, He died rich.'"
—Barack Obama

R.I.P. Toot. We'll take it from here.

Yes, We Can.

The Scooters Update: Fantasy Football Blows Donkeys

Not as good as last year, but still alive. Gotta have some guys step up and be counted.


QUARTERBACK

This has been a problem spot for The Scooters all year long, with the guy on the bench almost always putting up a huge game.

Trent Edwards, Beefalo: While surpassing expectations, Edwards is the quintessential accurate quarterback who gives you around 200 yards, one touchdown and one interception per game. Nothing earth-shattering, but will usually keep you in the game—expect for that week where former Pack safety Adrian Wilson scrambled his brain on the second play of that contest. As the 241st overall selection, in the 18th and final round as an afterthought, Edwards has represented a net win for me.

Jeff Garcia, Tampa Bay: Unfortunately, being the only gay man in the history of the world to ever marry a former Playmate of the Year gives you no point in my fantasy league. "Chucky" Gruden is exasperating with his quarterback merry-go-round, and Garcia has killed me time and again by throwing for 330 yards on the weeks I don't play him and roughly 185 and an interception on the weeks that I do. Drafting Marc Bulger in the 7th round (96th overall) is looking "questionable" in hindsight.


RUNNING BACKS

Decimated by injury and underperformance, a perceived strength has turned into a huge question mark as the season has gone on.

Frank Gore, San Francisco: My first-round pick (12th overall), Gore has been a beast for much of the year. The only person that can stop him is 49ers offensive coordinator Mike Martz, who is allergic to running the ball more than 20 times per game and was apparently being blackmailed by J.T. O'Sullivan for most of the season. Gore would appear to be a perfect fit in an offense that features a lot of swing passes to the running back, but the hope is that interim coach Mike Singletary will force Martz to start pounding the rock in the second half of the season. After Singletary pulled down his pants in front of the team, I don't expect the 49ers to argue with him too much down the stretch.

Joseph Addai, Indy: In all respects, Addai has been a disaster. I pulled the trigger on a trade that brought me Addai for Marion Barber two weeks into the season, and while I stand by the rationale behind that deal (and Barber isn't exactly killing it this year), it's one I wish I had back. The former LSU Tiger has been hurt for much of the season and has been a dead man walking behind the Colts' brutal offensive line. I have faint hope he'll turn it around to become a respectable force the remainder of the season, but he's no longer a guy that teams can count on to put up consistent numbers.

Edgerrin James, Arizona: The end is near for the Rumblin' Rastafarian, my fourth-round pick (44th overall). He's been surpassed in the starting lineup by a late-round rookie back, and a coupla weeks ago, he got me a -2, thanks to a 12-yard, one-fumble effort. There was a time when I thought a Gore/Barber/James triumvirate at running back would carry me, but that seems like a distant memory. Unfortunately, James is basically unstartable for the rest of this season.

Felix Jones, Dallas: In the circus that surrounds the Cowboys, this kid began to seem like a steal as my late-round keeper pick (157th overall). He was scoring a touchdown every game, ripping off huge plays, stealing carries from Barber … until the bottom fell out when he didn't get a single touch in a matchup with Washington, then he pulled his hammy and has been out for weeks. Having Barber's handcuff helped me make the decision to deal Barber for Addai, but with Jones sidelined and Addai scuffling, the situation has become a weakness instead of a strength.

Kevin Smith, Detroit: Amazingly, this waiver-wire pickup might end up being one of my best transactions of the year. Of course, the Lions are horrific, but Smith can catch the ball out of the backfield and has passed up Rudi Johnson in the pecking order at tailback. When Jones returns to active duty, it looks like I'll have to throw Edge under the bus (off the bus?) and keep Smith around.


WIDE RECEIVER

The strength of the team has been in my top two wideouts, but the depth behind them has been marked by players at similar career stages who have simply not "arrived." Injuries have been staggering at this position as well. Giving up on Donnie Avery (my 15th-round-pick, 208th overall) after three weeks looks like a Steinbrenner-esque decision at this point.

Roddy White, Atlanta: Easily the Scooters midseason Most Valuable Player. My keeper from last year for the price of a sixth-rounder this year, White has turned out to be a great decision for me. He's gone from a tall red-zone target to a guy who can give you a 60-yard touchdown from time to time, and he's been my most consistent player. It looks like his rapport with rookie QB Matty "Ice" Ryan is only going to get better and better.

Steve Smith, Carolina: Smith has been a one-man wrecking ball since he came back from beating the ever-lovin' christ out of a teammate. I rolled the dice on him as my third-rounder (40th overall) even though I knew he'd be suspended for the first two games. He has rewarded that faith by ripping off monster games almost every week, and if I can ever get everyone healthy and past their byes at the same time, he could be a centerpiece for a second-half run.

Brandon Lloyd, Chicago: An early-season waiver-wire grab, Lloyd produced a couple of huge outings early on, emerging as Kyle "the Neckbeard" Orton's top target. However, a nagging knee injury has not only limited his productivity, but has knocked him out of several games. He is usually a game-time decision, so there have been a couple of weeks where I've put him in the lineup—only to learn later that he was not active for the game. His injury has hampered me big-time during other players' bye weeks.

Sidney Rice, Minnesota: Rice is one of those upside wideouts who had the looks late last year of a kid who might make the leap in 2008. Not so much. My ninth-rounder (124th overall) has snared a TD here or there, but usually doesn't catch more than one pass per game and has been battling injuries basically all season long. Obviously, you can't count too much on a ninth-rounder, but it would be nice to have him as a bye-week replacement from time to time.

Bryant Johnson, San Francisco: Johnson got off to a promising start, and there were signs that he could become the No. 1 wideout for the 49ers new fast-break offense. Grabbing him in the 10th round (129th overall) looked like a nice move for roughly a month, until he also got hurt and has become an afterthought behind the ageless wonder, Isaac Bruce. Yet another guy who has been hampered by injury and hasn't progressed as a receiver like many expected.

Donte' Stallworth, Cleveland: The winner of the "Fragile" Fred Taylor Award, Stallworth is quickly gaining a reputation for being a bitch. The first sign that he wasn't going to be a contributor is when he injured himself in PREGAME FREAKING WARMUPS for the season opener. This eighth-rounder (101st overall) has been another enormous disappointment for The Scooters.


TIGHT END

I have nothing to say here that doesn't involve curse words.

Kellen Winslow, Cleveland: Tabbed in the 5th round (68 overall), Winslow had breakout year written all over him. Unfortunately for me, Derek Anderson remembered that he was Derek Anderson, Winslow remembered that he is supposed to be hurt all the time and popping wheelies on tiny motorcycles, Winslow contracted syphilis, and Winslow blasted the Browns for being the Browns and got suspended. Terrible year at a position that could have helped separate me. "Soldier," my ass.

L.J. Smith, Philly: Between injuries and concussions, my 14th-rounder (185th overall) has chipped in with an occasional score in Winslow's stead. All in all, he's performed like a 14th-rounder, so I can't complain too much here. But I will anyway.


KICKER

Robbie Gould, Da Bears: I grabbed Gould with my second-to-last pick (17th round, 236th overall), and with the resurgence of the Bears offense combined with the disappearance of the Browns' attack, Gould has been steady and dependable.

Phil Dawson, Cleveland: If you can't tell, I drank the Browns Kool-Aid this offseason, thinking their offensive would put up beaucoup points. Not that a kicker in the 11th round (152th overall) is out of line, but Dawson's relative lack of productivity has been a by-product of Cleveland's stagnant offense.


DEFENSE

Buffalo: Losing Roscoe Parrish early on took a huge special-teams weapon away from this unit. However, the Bills are a more-than-solid defense when you consider where they were selected (13th round, 180 overall).

Atlanta: I've been able to take advantage of the Falcons' weak schedule from time to time by starting this unit against terrible opponents, and it has worked well for me. This 16th-round (213th overall) choice singlehandedly kept me in the game this week with an amazing effort at Oakland.


OUTLOOK

With my record (likely) sliding to 4-4-1, I'm a couple of games behind where I thought it would be. I've had some tight losses, a string of unfortunate injuries (this is the fantasy football version of the NC State Wolfpack) and some unlucky start-bench decisions, but I'm still in the thick of the race for the playoffs with three games left. I may have to win out to ensure a spot, but looking back at my draft, there are few choices I would have made differently. A little more patience with Avery and a little more foresight with Edge would have helped me out big-time, but it is what it is.

Go Scooters!

Limerick Friday LXXXXVIII: Suffrage To End Suffering; Plus, Isaiah Thomas Loves Red Lobster

After eight years in a sinking boat
An entire nation energized to vote
An economy that's a stinking mess
Taxes only for those making less
I believe in change that's more than a copied quote

The final table is set for the World Series of Poker
I noticed Doyle Brunson looks a lot like Larry Coker
The field has been narrowed to just nine
After nearly 7,000 started off in line
Most of those didn't know a jack from a joker

Isaiah Thomas is back at it once again
He's the NBA version of Jones, Pacman
He tries to overdose on pills with a shiver
Then sells his daughter straight down the river
Everyone but Red Lobster has given this dildo a lifetime ban

Back in the news is that caricature, Joe the Plumber
After Sarah Palin got his vote in exchange for a hummer
Now he's got a deal to become a country singer
His five minutes of fame has become quite a hum-dinger
The GOP has latched on to yet another fraud, what a bummer

Samurai Mike is not one to suffer a clown
Determined to bring a winner to San Francisco town
He became my new favorite coach with a boom
By sending an underachieving tight end to the locker room
Click, clack, Vernon Davis; that's your career ticking down

Last time …

You Got Served, Badonkadonk Style

This might actually be the best way to decide this election ...

Be Sure To Remember To ...

Do the right thing. Giddyup.

SNL Reset: Living In A Van ...

In this economy, this living arrangement is sounding more and more realistic ... and appealling.

Just a much-needed reset on a cold, quiet Tuesday a.m.

Living In Alaska + PTA + Watching "Northern Exposure" = More Qualified Than Nader

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

I lived in Alaska for a while and I went to a PTA bake sale once ... so ...

SCOOTER FOR PRESIDENT 2012!

I couldn't see Russia, tho. Guess I wasn't looking hard enough.

Limerick Friday LXXXXVIII: Palin, Butt Favre Love Expensive Makeup

All it cost was a mere 150 grand
To make this Alaskan look pretty and tanned
Campaign finance is pretty big for their ticket
But will this help reduce the feared deficit?
For the GOP, only truth and common sense are banned

They said, "This will be the end of the line for old 'B-Hop'
"When he feels Kelly Pavlik's punches, he'll want to stop"
Instead the "Executioner" went into the ring
Took all the pop out of the "Ghost's" sting
Now, is there anyone left that Hopkins can't stop?

Recession fears strike our country far and widenin'
From ethics concerns Sarah Palin can't be hidin'
Obama is looking after his sick grandma "Toot"
As McCain hopes his lies can somehow take root
While Meredith College welcomed VP Joe Biden

State game only available on freaking computers
Sending Pack fans scurrying off to Hooters
No ESPN360 thanks to Time Warner Cable
Where customer service is but a fable
No fun watching football on a laptop that's Scooter's

Called up Detroit to ask, "Need some help beating Green Bay?"
Spent 90 minutes diagramming plays in his Wranglers that were gray
Went hunting with his buddy, the hated Matt Millen
Popped some Vicodin, shot some turkeys while chillin'
He's good on Sundays, but a fraud and an asshole every other day

Last time …

SwiftJews For Truth

Too many jokes ... FaceBook movements ... head hurts ... D.G.B.N.H.F. ... No-Neck Monster ... too many ...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Street Sheet's Left-Coast Pearls of Wisdom: In Here, Out There

Earlier this year, I went to San Francisco, and before hopping on a trolley at one point, I gave a bean to a dude for a copy of the Street Sheet, the self-described "publication of the Coalition on Homeless San Francisco since 1989." I came across this copy recently and think I'll occasionally share a poem from it from time to time, as the mood strikes me.

Think about it.

In Here, Out There (by Leroy F. Moore, Jr.)

"In here, slouched in my oversized wheelchair
Locked down in this urine infested black cell
God! I'm not doing so well
Bleeding from my POW, POW daily beating

Out there, living on the hard, cold streets
No cot, no heat and nothing to eat
Living on the dirty, trashy streets or
In this tiny, smelly cell damn both is hell

In here inmates are family
Out there there's no community
Understand my reality

No rehabilitation in here
Force medication out there
No wonder I live in fear

Community leaders marching out there
My family walking on death row in here
Our savior is waiting for all of us up there

Out of my wheelchair,
Zzzzzz frying in the electric chair
Out on the mean streets, bang, bang shot by police
In here, out there, tell me what's the difference"

Ref Lowers The Boom, Spurrier Throws Visor, All Is Right In World

It looks like Gamecocks coach Steve Spurrier forgot to gameplan someone to block the umpire on this draw by quarterback Stephen Garcia. As one might imagine, South Carolina fans are in an uproar over this one … and not just because they are only now fully realizing that they live in Columbia.



Now that's what I call the proverbial "12th man" for LSU. Wow.

Limerick Friday LXXXXVII: Confucius Say They Who Hold Best Laugh Last

A great crowd prepared for the Criminoles
Who ascended on Raleigh with a legion of a-holes
Stated played them well for more than a half
'Til the refs' halftime meeting with the FSU staff
Suddenly, holding was OK and down went the Pack — poor souls

A championship for a husband and his long, tall Sally
You win beer equaling your wife's body weight tally
Five cases of beer went to the guy who got first place
After running 278 yards without falling on his face
Obviously, last place belonged to the hubby of Kirstie Alley

A midseason firing at Clemson, it seems
Uneducated locals coming apart at the seams
Tammy now has a real reason to cry
Got shit-canned like Terry, poor guy
Paying players couldn't save him from losing to lesser teams

An office that's alternately hot and cold
A dumpster desk that has charm but is old
Shoshana giggling, thanks to funny Rick
Adam sneezing, Adrian asking if he's sick
I'll be missing all that goes into being Bold

Some dude from Ohio that they're calling Joe the Plumber
Made the focus of the campaign for Dumb and Dumber
Another gimmick trotted out by the ol' GOP
As McCain can't stop himself from being petty
Crazy old man + godfreak hockey mom = a bummer

Last time …

What Time Is It? Game Time

Patting Cujo on the head, running out of the smoke, 60,000 people screaming their heads off for you … If that don't get you fired up, nothing will.

Go Pack.

"The Zodiac" Differentiates Itself From "Zodiac" By Pure-Tee Sucking

A "C" list actor from "Grey's Anatomy," Bookman the library cop from "Seinfeld," creepy dude from "Lost" and random guy from "October Road" trying to carry a movie about a serial killer from 40 years ago, said film being released at a similar time as basically the same flick with a bigger budget. How can "The Zodiac" miss?

Oh, let me count the ways.

First of all, slapping a "The" in front of the title doesn't quite throw people off the scent that this is a different movie than "Zodiac" (Scooter & Hum review here), the acclaimed Jake Gyllenhaal and Mark Ruffalo vehicle of the same timeframe. The creepy opening montage and lover's lane scene—shot very similarly to how "Zodiac" handled it—got the movie off on the right foot, but for some unexplained reason, director Alexander Bulkley elected to shoot the movie sort of from the perspective of the lead detective's son, a Damien lookalike played by one of the creepy-time Culkin kids (the one who wasn't molested by Michael Jackson, I think).

The overly dramatic scene where the detective's wife breaks the biggest glass of water in the history of the world after being startled by their son tips you off that this one is not going to go well. The bad feeling starts to gain momentum as you realize that this is a fictional account of the search for the Zodiac Killer, with fictional characters and dramatized scenes. Part of the movie feel like an after-school special and others feel like the X-Files. Throw in the fact that the lead detective, Parrish, doesn't look nearly old enough to have a 12-year-old child and appears to be confused by just about everything he comes across, and … well, you start checking how long this flick is.

"The Zodiac" theorizes that much of the case involves a police coverup to try to keep the community calm, and tries to lead you to believe that the crime-beat reporter could even be involved in the killings. Bulkley does attempt to tie the killings into the times they happened—racism, Vietnam, drug culture, etc.—but this is done more in random montages than in any actual effort to establish a background.

I had a lot more to write about this film at one point (I will say that the scene involving the couple by the lake was pretty well-done), but it is exhausting to even rehash. One of the banner moments involved the detective coming home after being in a bar, and his wife angrily askikng him, "Have you been drinking?" Meanwhile, several scenes have already indicated that the guy HAS A BAR IN HIS HOUSE and the first thing he does at the end of every day is come home and fix himself a drink. So the teetotaler approach is a bit, shall we say, confusing.

Thankfully, this movie was barely 90 minutes—compared to more than two-and-a-half hours for David Fincher's "Zodiac." The final quote from the Zodiac Killer is pretty creepy and a nice touch—"I am waiting for a good movie. Who will play me? I am now in control of all things"—but most "experts" on this serial killer believe that was a forgery that can't be attributed to the actual killer. Anyway, there was a very abrupt ending without a clear focus or perspective, so maybe this review can save you an hour and a half and many head-scratching moments.

On a side note, there has been a potential break in this case, 40 years after the first murder. The stepson of one Jack Tarrance has come forward with evidence that he believes implicates his father as the Zodiac Killer. Apparently, the FBI is looking into the possibility that this could stand out from the many hoaxes and false alarms as the real thing. If it is, you can expect another round of movies shortly.

Hockey Mom Brings Out The Hate From … Hockey Fans?

They've chucked snowballs at Santa Claus. They've whipped D batteries at J.D. Drew. They've cheered madly when Michael Irvin broke his neck. And now, they've dropped one of the loudest sustained boos in non-sports history on an out-of-her-league political joke.

In yet another not-so-well-thought-out, last-ditch effort from the GOP, vice presidential wingnut extraordinaire Sarah Palin showed up at a Philadelphia Flyers game to drop the puck. According to the New York Times, she was booed so loudly and lustily that arena personnel had to pump up the volume to try to drown it out somewhat with music (here's the "nice" version of the booing, with music blaring over it).

Philadelphia fans have never been confused for being the standard bearers for class. But give them this: They know a grandstanding fraud when they see one. And they're certainly not going to bite their tongues when they do.

Limerick Friday LXXXXVI: Hypocrites, Frauds And Wingnuts Make It Rain

Lies about terrorists and then acts bemused
Drops her Gs and winks when she's confused
Her husband tried to secede from Alaska
Her pastor found a witch, she said, "You betcha!"
Keith Olbermann ripped her a new one—now who's amused

Pac Man's not really a reform case quite yet
Attacked a bodyguard as Jerry Jones did fret
Why does he even have a bodyguard?
The Cowboys pay a babysitter for this retard?
Pac Man in trouble—in other news, water is wet

Described as an undisciplined, spoiled brat and lush
His Napoleon complex and temper would make a sailor blush
The Make-Believe Maverick has finally been unveiled
Trying to distance himself from W, but that ship has sailed
Do we want to make another deal with the devil? I'm in no rush

SNL is finally becoming relevant again
Showing nothing is stronger than the pen
Tina Fey skewering Sarah Palin online
Causing Republicans to increase their whine
Controversial sketches aren't a matter of if, but when

Different year, same story for a Bowden named Tammy
Clemson's like an Olympic sprinter who always pulls a hammy
Was preseason top 10, now a fraud that can't block
Tigers fans attack Tammy's car with Howard's Rock
You can't be saved now, even tho Bobby's a member of your family

Last time …

Tina Fey Is A Better Sarah Palin Than Sarah Palin

According to my friend at Static in the Attic, the following piece of paper was found among Sarah Palin's trash after the vice presidential debate. Say it ain't so, Sarah.

Also, the following video immediately becomes one of the top SNL sketches of all-time.

It's all about Jews and Cuban food, "my friend."

This Happened: You Had Me At "Vintage Prada Wallet"

So, a friend of friend decided to try to sell his turn-of-the-century model car on Craig's List, and the following -- arguably, the greatest e-mail of all-time -- is what happened. Names have been changed to protect the retarded.

"Hi there. I was just cuirous if you were considering trades for the [car] for sale? I would be willing to consider trading a group of valuable items I have available for your [car]. These items include:

Ikea computer desk (missing keyboard holder)
Pretty Paws litter box in "almost new" condition (retails for $35)
Brand new, in box pair of Air Jordan basketball shoes size 11 (red and white)
Vintage Prada wallet from 1984 (white & pink with very few stains)
Set of 10 brand new, with tags "posie purple" washcloths from Target
Full shipment box (24 bottles) of sampler bottles of "happy" perfume by
Clinque
One wool, color: gray blazer, size 14 by "South Pole"
10 unopened boxes (unused) of Kleenex with lotion tissues
Full shipment box (40 pairs, assorted sizes) of Free Spirit white knee socks
Vintage 1978 Oreck XL vacuum (still works, however, bags are out of
production)
Brand new (still in plastic wrap) Jumanji board game
Rarely used, universale remote control by Zenith
4 Firestone Tractor trailer tires (brand new)

I have calculated based on the "blue book value" of your car that the value of these items bypasses the value of your item by far, so really, this is a big loss for me, however, I am in need of a car right now. If you may consider this trade, please feel free to email me back to schedule a meeting with some notice so I can be sure to have all items packed in my truck and ready for show. I am in Raleigh as well though, so traveling to show off the lot of items I have available is no problem.

Thank you very much,"
Dude with shit to unload [Editor's Note: Not actual name]

[speechless]

Serpico Can't Throw The Out Pattern

Former Pack alum Adrian Wilson didn't do my fantasy football team any favors by knocking the shite out of Buffalo quarterback Trent Edwards like two plays into the game and giving him a concussion, but I still won rather convincingly. First-round bust J.P. Losman even got a chance to fire interceptions all over the field.


Of course, my attention was quickly captured by Losman's disturbing beard. He's the doppelganger of Serpico and Adam Goldberg -- and no football team can overcome that resemblance and win.

Limerick Friday LXXXXV: October In, Common Sense Out

Transparent and folksy, representing hockey moms everywhere
She backed non-answers by wearing a smirk and a vacant stare
Spoke like she was running for school council in seventh grade
Refused to talk about policy or any decisions that were made
Pundits gave her credit for forming sentences; that seems fair

Another year, another epic Mets choke
It's become a pathetic, not-so-funny joke
The worst is it came in the last game at Shea
One of my favorite places back in the day
The season and the stadium went up in smoke

A dork with huge headphones and a goat with a hex
Cubbies fans looking for excuses as their team wrecks
"Wait 'til next year" already heard on the North Side
Down two games, can Sweet Lou stop this slide?
Chicago fans can agree to just blame this all on Rex

Fall weather is here, the Triangle's no longer hotter than hell
It's also Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I'm here to tell
Those are two (or is it three?) of my favorite things
So it's time to open up your wallet or purse strings
Supporting a good cause is certain to make you feel well

An economy that has turned into a black hole
Gas prices that are spiraling out of control
Money concerns for all in this wide land
Now hopes are a bailout will give us a hand
It all has me looking at homes in the North Pole

Last time …

Miss Congeniality Is Ready For Big Wordy-Type Thingies

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

It's debate time, ladies and gents. "Smokin'" Joe Biden vs. Sarah "Badly Failin'" Palin. Word is Palin has been prepped for the debates by her pageant sister, Miss South Carolina, so it should be good times.

Ding, ding, ding.

Bud 'Round The Office

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Word to the swear jar.

A Dark Day In Scooterville ...

Apparently, Scarlett Johansson went ahead and got married in secret, thus destroying a potentially electric relationship between us that the paparazzi was bound to dub "Scootlett."

Oh, well. Her forehead was always too big for me anyway.

Limerick Friday LXXXXIV: Matt Millen, Pete Carroll And Skip Holtz Walked Into A Bar …

Can't believe Matt Millen finally lost his job
As a general manager, he was quite a fat slob
He had blackmail pictures of the owner with goats
But fans finally voted him out with their booing throats
He and Joey Harrington can now meet for a beer and a sob

The last game for the stadium in the Bronx
When you visit, all you hear are screams and honks
I went to a Yankees game there one time
Saw a bum pissing on the sidewalk while in line
Lotsa history ruined by its many bandwagon, red-hat-wearin' wonks

The economy has experienced a record drop
Who can fix it? Everyone's favorite grandpop
But is McCain's campaign now failin'?
And is he trying to hide Sarah Palin?
You're part of the problem, not the solution, so just stop

It's just like shootin' fish in a barrel
Happens every year under choking Pete Carroll
Another head-scratching loss for a team that's fakin'
They're the NCAA equivalent of Clay Aiken
The Pac 10 bottom-feeders always put USC at peril

The Fins kicked the shite out of the Pats
The Pack ruined the season of the delusional Pi-Rats
LSU took down Auburn in the fourth quarter
UNC lost to a coach with a giant goiter
A damn good football weekend, to my teams I tip my hats

Last time …

"Cujo" + "Prison Break" = Ratings Winner

Classic part is you can basically read the "W ... T ... F ..." in the other dogs' eyes.

The Greatest Worst Thing Ever: Scattered, Ironic, Smothered, Humiliated, Covered, Terrified And Diced

For years, one of my mottos has been, "Nothing good ever happens at the Waffle House." Now, I humbly say that I have been wrong for years. Consider me an enormous fan of any wedding vows that begin, "Well, since he had to work anyway …" and include the words "banana pancakes" anywhere within them.

Rings in waffles, amazing Christian-related wardrobes, kids picking noses, T-shirts saying "Father forgive them" …

Too many jokes. Brain hurting. Must. Look. Away.

[Editor's Note: This version has freaking audio if you're brave enough.]

Partial Qualifier Gets Fully Slammed

At the end of the day ... you're still just East Carolina.

Belichick Gets Bitch-Slapped, Soils Self, Doesn't Notice

38-13.

Irony, thy name is New England.

Cheat your way out of that one, Homeless Hoody and the Patsies.

Limerick Friday LXXXXIII: OSU Is Sports' Tina Turner: The Beatings Just Won't Stop

Before the game, "Go Bucks" is heard far and wide
After, Herbstreit and Musburger held each other and cried
It's like being in the Kentucky Derby and getting lapped
To repeatedly get in big games and get bitch-slapped
If Ohio State had any self-respect, they'd run away and hide

The Ryder Cup is off to a great start in Kentucky
It's time for the Americans to be more than plucky
Tiger always plays only for himself
So it's better for the U.S. that he's on the shelf
The Europeans always play for fun, like they don't give a fuck-y

It's hurricane season for a decimated Wall Street
Yet it hasn't been a storm that's knocked the economy off its feet
It's been an administration that's got its head up its ass
Stupider than DeSean Jackson going out for a long pass
Time to start over from scratch so we can avoid a repeat

'Bama and Arkansas is considered the Weasel Bowl
Between Saban and Petrino, who's the bigger asshole?
They both lie to the fans and media left and right
And both are prone to pick flight over fight
They'll compare notes about to which devil they sold their soul

Troubles ranging from melanoma to high cholesterol
Can McCain even make it through the campaign's long haul?
It's a far question to ask, every smart person says
So we're not left with a pageant winner as prez
Make the hypocrite's records public, unless you'd rather hide than stand tall

Last time …

"The Illusionist" Rules The Magic Genre In La-La Land

A couple of years back, Hollywood went through a minor, short-lived run of magician movies, highlighted by "The Prestige" and "The Illusionist." These two films came out at nearly the same time, but "The Illusionist" was far the superior, mostly because of the uncanny acting.

Edward Norton gives his best performance since "American History X" and "Primal Fear," starring as master magician Edward Eisenheim. His showing is bolstered by the always-phenomenal Paul Giamatti, who is captivating as Inspector Uhl.

Based on a short story by Steven Millhauser, "The Illusionist" follows a forbidden-love story in 20th-century Vienna. The familiar plot of the peasant boy (Eisenheim) and the duchess (Sophie, played by Jessica Biel) falling in love makes up the first half an hour or so of the film, but that aspect of the tale ends when Eisenheim is forced to flee by the duchess's family and guards.

Years later, fate intervenes to reunite the two. Eisenheim has ascended to the level of being considered the finest magician in the realm, while Sophie is engaged to be married to the philandering and abusive Crown Prince Leopold. During one of his shows after he returns to Vienna, Eisenheim calls Sophie on stage for a trick, and upon recognizing her, cleverly asks, "We've never met before, have we?"

After a personal invitation for a private performance in front of Leopold and his entourage, Eisenheim finally has a chance to speak with Sophie and rekindle their relationship. They begin meeting on the sly to try to understand how they lost track of each other and try to come to terms with what has brought them back together. She still wears a wooden charm necklace that he made for her as a child, and he tells her about how he journeyed to all corners of the globe in an effort to perfect his craft and penetrate all mysteries … yet, "the only mystery I never solved was why my heart couldn't let go of you." Of course, this reunion ends with the two of them rolling around Eisenheim's cabin in the woods, with the magician trying several lewd tricks to Sophie's apparent delight.

Jealous and frustrated by Eisenheim's amazing tricks and suspicious of his background, Leopold has his inspector, Uhl, begin to keep tabs on the magician. The shared childhood of Eisenheim and Sophie is eventually discovered by Uhl, who serves as a middle man between the battle of wills being waged by Eisenheim and Leopold. When Leopold is told of the secret rendezvous' and pre-existing relationship between the magician and his fiancé, the prince tells the inspector to find a way to bring down Eisenheim.

Meanwhile, Leopold confront his fiancé, telling her, "You think you're clever—and quite democratic in your friendships." After he hits her, she flees, and is later found dead in a stream, the mortal wound caused by a sword that most suspect belongs to Leopold himself.


Even though we are showed the body of Sophie and told that she is killed, it is hard to get past the belief that it is all a ruse, calling into question whether a magician's greatest trick might just be stealing a woman. It's a somewhat odd resolution to follow, because it's hard to get past the idea that something shady is up, that Sophie must still be alive somewhere and Eisenheim is undoubtedly behind it all.

After a pawn is put up and punished for being Sophie's murderer—which no one believes—a bitter and driven Eisenheim returns to the entertainment scene in Vienna, firing his manager, buying an old theater, renovating it and unveiling a new show, marked by a poster that simply states "Eisenheim." The magician tells his audience that he bends nature's laws, that he calls into question life and death, time and space, fate and chance. Uhl is ordered to continue following him, and when Eisenheim begins to summon illusions of dead people — which makes him truly become "The Illusionist" — the inspector basically arrests him for ghosts. Accused of charlatanism, necromancy, subverting the monarchy and double-parking, Eisenheim is repeatedly hassled by the authorities and threatened.

However, at some point, we recognize that Eisenheim has slowly started to win over the inspector, who tells someone, "A magic trick is not evidence." Uhl begins to see things the magician's way partially because of Eisenheim's apparent true love for Sophie and partially because of the recognition that Leopold is truly a sadistic bitch. Uhl eventually learns that Leopold has forged a hidden plot to overthrow his father, the king, and install himself as the monarch by way of coup.

The last scene where a disguised Leopold attends Eisenheim's final show is marked by incredible tension, and ends with a finale in which Eisenheim seemingly fades into nothingness. Afterward, when the magician cannot be found, Uhl confront his boss, Leopold, saying, "Perhaps there's truth in this illusion." Leopold then commits suicide, which would appear to have ended the speculation about Sophie's murderer and saved the monarchy.

But Uhl is unable to get Eisenheim's words — "What does it mean to die?" — out of his head and can't shake the feeling that the magician has pulled off his most amazing trick. Teased by the magician's purposely placed clues, Uhl finally unravels Eisenheim's plan and how he pulled it all off. The memorable final scene is marked by a montage and music that reveals the incredible twist.

The movie is shot like a dream at times, using slow-motion and blurred-edge techniques. These directorial decisions lend to the fairy-tale feeling that this film inspires, which only adds to the various plot lines, ranging from reunited lovers to the dark arts to conspiracies.

On an acting level, Biel just may have the best caboose in Hollywood, but her big teeth and inconsistent accent made her a difficult fit here. I've been an Edward Norton fan for quite a while—aided in no small way by admiration for anyone who has dated Salma Hayek—and his understated demeanor is perfectly complemented by the versatile, near-manic Giamatti.

The bottom line is that if you like fairy-tale-like period pieces carried by tremendous actors, then "The Illusionist" is certainly worth giving a spin.

"Groundhog Day 2" Being Replayed In Queens By Gutless Mets

After last season's epic collapse, this year's follow-up choke job for the Metsies was simply inevitable. And yesterday, after the fourth loss in five games, New York finally fell out of first place. On top of that, a pregame team meeting was promptly followed by being shut out again.

As manager Jerry Manuel gives vain pep talks and assumes the fetal position in the corner of the clubhouse, former Mets skipper Willie Randolph is somewhere sipping a gin and juice and laughing with Isaiah Thomas.

Serenity now.

From Zero To 60 -- To Zero -- In 61 Seconds

It didn't last long enough to qualify for fight of the year -- hell, it didn't last long enought to quality for round of the year -- but the Kendall Holt and Ricardo Torres rematch was scintillating. In 61 seconds, there were three knockdowns, one cheap shot, one completely overlooked accidental head butt, one of the best boxing quotes of all-time, a brutal body shot and one guy knocked completely the f out.

As I watched the final sequence, I was struck by a) there had to be more to it than the great body punch by Holt, b) his finishing right hand was a thing of perfect beauty and c) I caught a vicious accidental head butt that the announcers completely missed.

Then, this pearl of wisdom from Holt afterward: "I don't back down -- I lay backs down."

One of the announcers called it "61 seconds of searing action," and I'm not prepared to disagree with that. Awesome.

Limerick Friday LXXXXII: Charter Member, Bernard Pollard Fan Club

There was once a safety named Bernard
Who liked to blitz the quarterback very hard
Now he's got his own fan club
For putting a man named Brady in the tub
Now the Hoody has to play a different cheating card

Yet another hurricane approaches, name of Ike
The citizens of Texas have begun to take a hike
Flooding is predicted far and wide
Hope for all to avoid the deathly tide
But it would be kind of cool if the Bush compound it did strike

He threw jump balls to Moss for the Vikes
Tossed out of Miami, too hurt to take hikes
If an overrated QB falls without fanfare
Does anyone in the forest really care?
Daunte will spend the rest of his days on cruises with dykes

First he said the Prez doesn’t care about black folks
Now he's busy assaulting the paparazzi with kicks and pokes
Vandalism and battery are the charges for Kanye West
Who certainly seems to have a lot to get off his chest
But the world may be a bit safer if he took a few more tokes

To the desert she has gone away
To celebrate more than one birthday
How to make it through a week
Without her heart and soft cheek
Return to me soon, are the words that I say

And one more as a bonus …

Has it really been seven years
Since 9/11 brought to light all our fears?
Even as memories begin to fade
Can't forget the sacrifices that were made
New York, in your honor, I shed these tears

Last time …

"American Gangster" Is A Black "Scarface" Without The Edge

"See, ya are what ya are in this world. That's either one of two things: Either you're somebody … or ya ain't nobody."—Frank Lucas

I had high hopes for "American Gangster," based on the presence of accomplished actors like Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. However, not far into this one, it was apparent that director Ridley Scott had set out to make the "Black Scarface," (want a dose of subtlety? Check out the movie poster above, then click here for the Scarface version) making this flick fall far short of the goal.

This movie follows the story of Frank Lucas, who rises from a position as a driver and personal bodyguard for a street-level gangster named Bumpy Johnson to unparalleled power in Harlem. Soon after Johnson's death, Lucas sees a void in the area's gang structure, and he quickly makes moves to fill it to pre-empt power grabs by rival leaders.

Supposedly, "American Gangster" is based on a true story, although there is some question as to how much of the story is actually attributable to Frank Lucas, especially the alleged close ties to Johnson. Interestingly, Lucas's daughter Francine later went into the witness protection program and started up a program called Yellowbrickroads that offers resources to the children of incarcerated parents. Also, one of his sons, Frank Lucas, Jr., is now a hip-hop artist who has started the Frank Lucas brand with his dad. Lucas himself was confined to a wheelchair as of 2005, due to a car accident that broke his leg in two places.

Borrowing heavily from elements of the "Godfather" (obviously) and "Scarface" (as noted before), Lucas seizes onto the themes of order and discipline in his quest for success. Part of Lucas's rise to prominence is that he dresses and carries himself like a prominent businessman ("Listen to me, the loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room."), always immaculately and nattily (yeah, I used it) attired. Lucas fights hard to maintain the family structure and uphold his status as a good citizen, son and brother. He portrays himself as a church-going businessman, leading to some interesting juxtapositions. Ironically, the onset of his downfall begins when his wife gives him a fur pimp jacket as a present, which puts him on the radar of local police after they notice him at a boxing match schmoozing with some local crime-syndicate bigwigs.

When a rival gang leader tells him that the life they've chosen mandates a choice between having success and having enemies, or being unsuccessful and having friends, we begin to see the isolation that Lucas feels. He is warned repeatedly—"Quitting while you're ahead is not the same as quitting," he's told in a poignant moment—but nothing comes between him and his reckless downfall (Tony Montana, anyone?).

Fat Russell Crowe was stellar as always, shining as burned-out detective and wannabe lawyer Richie Roberts. This is the role that Bruce Willis tried to play in "16 Blocks," but simply came across as a little too world-weary and uncaring. But Crowe owns it, capturing the essence of a divorced bachelor who has nothing left but his job and a vague sense of morality. Early on in the film, Roberts finds a million dollars in unmarked bills, but he gives it back, which shows his principles, but also makes him a pariah among his police peers, for which bribery and extortion is a way of life. The turned-down money is a running theme in the flick, as it is mentioned over and over by characters who know Roberts only as the legendary (read: stupid) cop who won the lottery … then gave the ticket away. Crowe is also facing the uphill battle that comes along with a realization that those at the upper levels of government don't really want him to succeed at the job they've assigned him to—he says, "Judges, lawyers, cops, politicians … They stop bringing dope into this country, about a hundred thousand people are gonna be out of a job."

Even after his surprising turn in "No Country for Old Men," Josh Brolin is a bit hard to take seriously as the dirty cop, Detective Trupo. "Boyz N Da Hood" washup Cuba Gooding Jr. was insufferable even in a bit role as small-time hood Nicky Barnes; Gooding just always comes across like he's trying way too hard to revive a nonexistent career. Stunning Carla Gugino plays Roberts's ex-wife, Laurie, and my stance has always been that any movie is only going to get better the more Carla Gugino is in it. Unfortunately, they relegated her to a bit role, so they deserve the subpar end result.

Lucas's ace card is the development of Blue Magic, which is uncut, pure heroin directly from Southeast Asia. The kicker is he has made several deals that allow the heroin to be smuggled into the United States inside the coffins of dead Viet Nam soldier. The result is that he is able to eliminate the middle man and sell a product that is eminently better and much cheaper than his competition, creating a runaway train in the drug underworld of Harlem. What slows the pursuit of Lucas and helps keep the spotlight off him for a while is a bureaucratic indignation and disbelief that a black man has ascended to a kingpin position that is actually above the mafia in terms of power in New York City.

When Roberts is able to flip Lucas's cousin, a junkie, the task force begins to make the headway it needs to make a real and relevant push toward bringing Lucas's operation down. Some crucial scenes took place in the projects, a forbidding, dangerous, dark area, especially during that time in our country's history, with Watts, a tension-filled burgeoning civil rights movement and an ongoing war. In the climactic shootout scene, a soccer ball is shown in slow motion rolling down the hallway with a kid chasing it, sort of an overly used technique to build drama before the raid.

There is a strong, highly dramatic scene between Lucas and Roberts near the end, after Lucas is arrested, where Lucas alternately attempts to bribe and threaten Roberts. Instead, Roberts only wants to know how far the dirty-cop thread runs, and Lucas finally relents and says he'll reveal it all for some level of immunity. More than $250 million is confiscated from the Lucas empire and 30 members of Lucas's family are convicted of trafficking and sent to prison. Amazingly, 75% of the New York City Drug Enforcement Agency is convicted with Lucas's help, with more than 100 convictions in all.

Lucas is sentenced to 70 years, which is reduced to just 15, while Roberts eventually becomes a district attorney. In the cheesy final scene, when Roberts is finally released from prison, Roberts is there to meet him and buy him a cup of coffee. The ensuing meander through the streets of Harlem doesn't fit the rest of the movie and stamps the ending with a weak, off-the-mark note.

One of the problems is that I've seen Denzel Washington in this role too many times; it becomes the equivalent of a Will Ferrell movie or character that you feel like you've watched five times already. Combine that sense of familiarity and déjà vu with some rather blatant rip-offs of gangster flicks like "Scarface," "Godfather" and "Goodfellas," and you're left with the resulting lack of originality that makes it seem like you have seen this one before. Ridley Scott appeared to have all the pieces in place, but came up with a hollow flick that strived for a bang … but left with a whimper.

The Solution For Our Country? Unquestionably, Monty Python

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

For anyone who disagrees … I fart in your general direction.

We Are Here To Pump ... You Up

Epic mullet from Patrick Swayze, vintage-era Dana Carvey and the understated brilliance of Kevin Nealon (who's had a career resurgence on "Weeds").

That's good medicine for a case of the Mondays.

Saturday Smells Like Foster's And Mayhem

An ode to bouncing back ...

Gentle pretzels
May you carry me away
To Carter-Finley
With visions of the Foxy
And an angry liver
Make it rain
Then run home in it
Drive through it
Pac Man Jones would be proud
Four a.m.
The soul's midnight
Life tastes
Of Tylenol and White Russians
Shut the fuck up, Donnie
Recovery time
Like dog years
Football is here
Bring me a headache and haze
From Bill & Mary

I blame it all on Sam.

Limerick Friday LXXXXI: Creepy Old Man + Pageant Contestant = Welcome To Your New Republican Party

Right-wing psychos praying for rain is a bit strange
Scared of Obama's convention speech about change
Ironically, Focus on Family is what these wingnuts are called
Yet at Miss Teen Alaska's daughter's baby daddy, they're not appalled
McCain is a desperate old man out of touch and out of range

Jackass Jay Mariotti quitting is rich
Chicago sports fans burned him like a witch
His best column simply read "I quit"
Said newspapers are dying bit by bit
"Around the Horn" just gained a full-time bitch

David Duchovny has always been a rather creepy dude
Now he finds himself in treatment for basically being rude
At 48, he's got a sex addiction and a failing career
But Scully has known about this for many a year
She once found him in an X-Files-rated situation with an alien, nude

Joe Pa has more convicts than a pep rally
Turns out pot is the reason it's called Happy Valley
"It's a witch hunt!" he yells at the printed page
Then he goes out for a spin and some road rage
Enjoys 3 p.m. dinners as the arrests continue to tally

In Motor City, it's all about Gucci-Gate
Ripping your teammate's gear is about hate
Luggage, money and boxers stolen by Tatum Bell
Rudi Johnson got back to his locker and said, "What the hell?!"
Unfortunately, the theft was the longest carry by Bell of late


Last time …

Light Up Your Night At Solas

Admirably representing the Gaelic word for "light," Solas jauntily rises phoenix-like from the heart of trend-setting Glenwood South, achieving a literal and figurative pinnacle of culinary excellence and cultural decadence the likes of which have never been seen in North Carolina's versatile and amiable capital city.

Or maybe it's just a really cool three-story restaurant and club that attracts equal parts hotness and cheese from the surrounding area. I guess you'll have to decide for yourself.

Owned by Hibernian founder Niall Hanley, Solas blends the best parts of gastro-fusion cuisine, big-city nightlife and small-city atmosphere. I'll admit to a smidgen of impartiality, considering that my brother is executive chef, but I've been there twice to eat and several times to tour during the construction process, and I've been struck by the ambitious nature of Niall's design and the all-inclusive variety of the menu. Having been open only a month or so, Solas has already been visited by pop celeb John Mayer, stomach-stapled crooner John Popper and Olympic gold medalist swimmer (and NC State grad) Cullen Jones, among others.

The Web site has been a trifle hit or miss, but here are a coupla other links (News & Observer, Raleigh Chronicle and Independent Weekly) to check out if you are interested. So go get your best duds, head down to Solas and get your Chicago on.

This Happened, Pig Pickin' Style

Skullet: "An aging mullet that is bald on the top with normal mullet in back." (Source: Mullet Definitions)

The oft-seen, rarely captured skullet in action.

Enjoy.