I was fortune enough to take my first trip to San Francisco recently … and I had no idea of what I had been missing.
Actually getting to the West Coast isn’t a really easy task. I had to endure a five-hour flight from Raleigh to Phoenix, which was jam-packed for the Super Bowl, which was only three days away at the time (as a Dolphins fan, this is as close as I’ll ever come to a Super Bowl). Then, after a long delay due to weather, I had to make it through another two-hour flight during which a Kim Jong Il lookalike hurled twice despite the fact that there was no turbulence whatsoever. Highly disturbing.
Once you actually make it to San Francisco, the first thing that hits you (besides being on a midnight airport shuttle with three creepy old people and a fat lady that we had to take directly to her house) is that every road is like a freaking roller-coaster. It’s like you feel your vehicle is about to pitch directly into the bay, then you hang a left and you're cruising through the middle of downtown. Jarring, but sorta cool, too … like Whip-Its.
Since it was a relatively brief stay, I made sure to hit the major landmarks. After a seafood omelet at the famous Sears Fine Food, it was time to take the trolley west and start with Coit Tower. Perched on Telegraph Hill, at the end of a brutal climb, the tower offers some stunning 360-degree views of the city. It’s also known for its unique ecology, which offers you the rare opportunity to see a parrot in the middle of a major metropolitan city. Very cool.
Then came a trip to Fisherman’s Wharf, which is a vibrant collection of stores, seafood, tourists and great views of the bay. I saw an old man fall down twice in the bathroom because of a slick floor, then witnessed him screaming at a couple of Hispanic janitors who appeared to be laughing at him. I got to see the sea lions at Pier 39, too. That’s when a seagull crapped on me. Good times. But a lunch of crab, calamari and clam chowder at Nonna Rose more than made up for getting grumped on.
Next came Alcatraz (*insert scary music here*). From Al Capone to Robert “Birdman” Stroud to “Machine Gun” Kelly to Alvin “Creepy” Karpis, “The Rock” was once home to the nation’s most dangerous and flight-risky criminals. Amazingly, even though Alcatraz has been closed as a maximum-security prison for nearly 45 years, it still carries an aura of fright and foreboding with it. The audio tour through the various cell blocks and the hospital was narrated by former guards and ex-inmates, detailing some of the history of the famous site, including the “Battle of Alcatraz.” During this uprising, guards had to throw hand grenades down through the ceiling at one point, and you can even see scratches and potholes created by shrapnel so many years ago.
After enduring a jam-packed ferry ride back to the dock a mile and a quarter away, it was on to the Buena Vista – home to the “world’s greatest Irish Coffee.” As something of a connosieur of the drink, it was a must-stop for me – and it turned out to be everything I had hoped for and more. I’m not sure how official any of these rankings are, but if there is a better Irish Coffee to be found on this planet, I’d like to try it.
Dinner at the Irish pub around the corner from the hotel seemed like a good idea, but it turned out to be super-expensive, non-Irish fare in a club atmosphere. No thanks. Lori’s Diner was a nearby, safe backup plan, and after a long day traipsing around San Fran, it was an easy choice.
The following day took me downtown to Chinatown – the largest one in the United States at 18 square blocks. The guide for the free tour spent most of his time stumping for money and somehow found a way to work Gerard Depardieu into a conversation about the struggles of the Chinamen (“Not the preferred nomenclature, Dude”) to earn and retain citizenship in the area years ago. I guess I had severely underestimated Gerard Depardieu’s impact on Asian American culture. I continue to maintain that Gerard Depardeiu has always been severely underestimated … notwithstanding the lifesize statue of him that resides at the foot of the Great Wall of China.
On the plus side, preparations were well underway for Chinese New Year, and I got to witness an impromptu parade in the middle of the tour. I also got to give 50 cents to take a picture with an ancient Chinese woman at the last true business to make fortune cookies by hand. Her name was Ming Li Wong Phan Depardieu. Weird.
The weather was deteriorating quickly, but I still managed lunch at a Chinese joint and then a quick visit to the famous City Lights Bookstore – largely credited with being the epicenter of the “Beat” movement. A 40-minute wait in the pouring rain for the cable car back downtown sapped the energy level, so the day was cut short, eliminating planned trips to the architectural district, Lombard Street (“the world’s crookedest street”), Haight-Ashbury and Golden Gate Park. I’ll save that for the next visit. Lefty O’Doul’s was another quick and easy choice for dinner to end the day.
Overall, I was blown away by the super-diverse feel of the city, and how closely ingrained it is with its surrounding natural environment. Two days isn’t nearly enough time to see all that San Francisco has to offer, but I’ll certainly head back at some point to spend a little more time.
Gerard Depardieu would have wanted it that way.
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