Best-Teammate Bout: Michael Westbrook vs. Steve Smith

Yesterday, in the heat and humidity of Spartanburg and the monotony of NFL training camp, Carolina Panthers wide receiver Steve Smith got tired of looking across the line of scrimmage into the eyes of cornerback Ken Lucas. So he began to punch one of those eyes repeatedly.

It was the second such incident in Smith's career, and when you throw in his blowup at his coaches on the sidelines of a playoff game, you'll see that Smith either has 'roid rage, manic-depression or deep, Adam Sandler-level anger management issues. It harkens back to the days of Michael Westbrook, an enormous draft bust of the Washington Redskins whose beat-up-teammate total nearly eclipsed his number of career touchdowns.

Maybe it's just me, but I think I read about enough players falling by the wayside with injuries each and every day. You would think that teams would be against injuries inflicted by players on the same damn team. So who would make the better teammate? Let's take a look at 17 (don't ask) defining factors in this …

Tale of the Tape!

Middle Name …
Westbrook: Deanailo
Smith: Latrall
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Both guys have normal-sounding names until you get to the middle. It's like the naming party simply couldn't help themselves. Apparently, Michael was named for both Dean Martin and Kato Kailin

College …
Westbrook: Colorado
Smith: Utah
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Colorado pays its players and brings them to strip clubs on recruiting trips; Utah is smack dab in the middle of Mormon country

Drafted …
Westbrook: Fourth overall, 1995, Washington Redskins
Smith: 74th overall, 2001, Carolina Panthers
Advantage: SMITH. Westbrook entered the league with much hype, then slipped away like Keyser Soze; Smith came into the NFL fueled by the perception that Carolina wasted a third-round pick on a punt returner, and quickly developed into a star wideout

Name Sounds Like A …
Westbrook: Tennis player
Smith: Golfer
Advantage: SMITH. Tennis players usually have one big arm and one little arm, and they smell like cabbage; golfers basically have slaves and can make a quarter of a million dollars by finishing in 23rd place

Known For …
Westbrook: Dropping passes; dropping a teammate
Smith: Being awesome; dropping teammates
Advantage: SMITH. If you're going to be an asshole, you might as well be good

Leadership skills …
Westbrook: Once demolished teammate Stephen Davis
Smith: Once farted in teammate Stephen Davis's locker and closed it really fast
Advantage: PUSH. Smith enjoys eating habanero wings at Mexican joints

Details …
Westbrook: Attacked Davis (see #9) during a 1997 practice, caught by several TV cameras
Smith: Attacked Anthony Bright during a 2002 film session, breaking his nose and putting him in the hospital for two days; attacked Ken Lucas during a 2008 training camp practice, blackening Lucas's eye and forcing him to be carted off the field
Advantage: SMITH. Westbrook never had to defend his title, while Smith is asking management to bring in Miguel Cotto to boost his record

Punishment …
Westbrook: Fined $50,000; out of league five years later
Smith: Suspend for one game, jailed; selected to three Pro Bowls, signed to $27 million contract
Advantage: SMITH. That's a lot of money to be spent on out-of-court settlements and hospital bills. Conceivably, he could assault teammates for years and not feel the pinch

What Happened Soon After …
Westbrook: Kids repeatedly egged Westbrook's house for repeatedly dropping passes
Smith: Forced to go to anger management, sued by Bright, settled out of court
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Westbrook apparently lived near Albert Belle, a Baltimore Oriole at the time, so children quickly learned that petty vandalism is not worth being run over by an SUV (see #4) piloted by a large, disturbed black man

What We Learned …
Westbrook: Don't call Michael Westbrook "gay"
Smith: Don't fight Stephen Smith unless your health-care insurance is up-to-date
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Teaching yourself not to call someone a homo seems easier than trying to avoid getting pounded simply because you wear the same uniform as Smith

Suspected Of …
Westbrook: May have killed Heath Shuler
Smith: May have killed Fred Lane
Advantage: WESTBROOK. A Congressman vs. a journeyman back? Well-played, Michael; well-played

Interesting Fact …
Westbrook: Caught the winning touchdown over the Wolverines on a last-second Hail Mary, dubbed "The Miracle in Michigan"
Smith: Has tattoos of Papa Smurf, Superman symbol and the Tasmanian devil
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Everyone hates Bitchigan. Tattoos of diminutive, slightly creepy cartoon characters does not improve your street cred; in fact, they may be the source of Smith's repeated confrontations

The Probably Not-a-Good Idea File …
Westbrook: Has fought in a steel-cage match
Smith: Coaches a youth soccer team
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Guy turned beating up teammates into a career choice. Big ups. At least Westbrook seems equipped to handle himself in this setting; on the other hand, I'm not sure you want Smith teaching your 7-year-old how to rabbit punch an unsuspecting, acne-wracked kid chasing a soccer ball

Relationship With Media …
Westbrook: Surprisingly, obscure Brazilian martial arts don't bring too many media hordes into Westbrook's everyday life—aside from the Goiania Jiu-Jitsu Journal
Smith: Once referred to writers as "buttholes" and keeps negative clippings in his locker; suffers from black Irish Alzheimer's: he forgets everything but a grudge
Advantage: WESTBROOK. Am I the only one who thinks that it's only a matter of time before Smith drops Peter King like a bag of dirt? Wait … on second thought, change this one to SMITH

Post-Playing Career Plans …
Westbrook: Competes in mixed martial arts and Brazilian jiu-jitsu
Smith: Olympic soccer coach who beats the ever-lovin' christ out of anyone who gets a yellow card
Advantage: WESTBROOK. "Jet Li. Jackie Chan. Chris Tucker. Michael Westbrook. In 'Shanghai Rush Hour 6'." A man can dream, can't he?

Post-Playing Career Accolades …
Westbrook: Won 2008 IBJJF World Championship at purple belt
Smith: Wins 2014 bronze medal in soccer; celebrates by punching Freddy Adu in the beans, karate-chopping Beckham in the throat and scissor-kicking Posh Spice
Advantage: SMITH. I mean, everybody wants to see the Beckhams writhing on the ground, right?

Thoughts On Favre …
Westbrook: "Stay retired. Fucker throws the ball too hard anyway. But I do like his Wranglers commercials."
Smith: "Shut the fuck up and go dig mud in Mississippi, bitch. Unless you want to play for the Panthers, in which case, I have a strict policy against pummeling old men, quarterbacks, or both."
Advantage: SMITH. I think any football fan would pay to see the interaction between Butt Favre and "Prick" Smith on the sidelines

WINNER
Eight for Westbrook, eight for Smith, one push. A tie. I guess they'll have to fight it out amongst themselves …