Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXIII: Frank Costanza Meets Tao Of Pooh, Plus Rush Punk’d (Again)

I ask of the Pooh of Tao
Many questions as to just how
To raise a sweet little girl
To extract from the oyster a pearl
I think the key will be “Serenity Now”

Around pills are his chicken fingers curled
Clueless even after the joke unfurled
He got punk’d by obvious satire
As he fed his monster truck-sized spare tire
Any doubt that Rush is the worst person in the world?

As a company, it’s a bit fly by night
On customer service, they’re quite light
They don’t deliver what they say
So avoid them every day
NamelyNewborns.com is a joke of a site

Braves fans are all hillbillies
But my hatred is saved for the Phillies
Or maybe it’s the Yankees
Should be a real stank Series
Baseball is obsolete, you sillies

Once looked like the lost member of Wham!
Had more highlights than Jean-Claude van Damme
Now we are seeing the reason
Took crystal meth during tennis season
And trailer-trash Agassi still won a Grand Slam

Last time …

“Walden” Is A Treatise On Simplicity, A Love Poem To Nature … And Much More

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”

“I had this advantage, at least, in my mode of life, over those who were obliged to look abroad for amusement, to society and the theatre, that my life itself was become my amusement and never ceased to be novel. It was a drama of many scenes and without an end.”

“I do not propose to write an ode to dejection, but to brag as lustily as chanticleer in the morning, standing on his roost, if only to wake my neighbors up.”

This is one of those books that had been on my list to read for years, and, as commonly happens with the classics, some new book usually comes along to topple an older one down the priority order. Yet, I couldn’t escape the importance of reading “Walden”; after all, in Henry David Thoreau’s words, “For what are the classics but the noblest recorded thoughts of man?” So I finally stopped putting it off and jumped into what turned out be somewhat of a tough read—but well worth it.

Documenting the fruits of his choice to spend a year living next to Walden Pond, Thoreau spends much of “Walden” railing against possessions, the futility of farming (“Men have become the tools of their tools.”) and the self-enslavery caused by purchasing dwellings when “savages” make dwellings that are not only just as comfortable (“I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion.”), but can be owned outright immediately. He mocks fashion (“Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes … It is the luxurious and dissipated who set the fashions which the herd so diligently follow.”) and discusses the disparity between rich and poor, pointing out the irony that the workers who create the palaces and the triumphs of architecture themselves live in huts and squalor. He asks us what might be possible if we were able to content ourselves with less, instead of always enslaving ourselves in the pursuit of more?

“Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end, an end which it was already but too easy to arrive at …”

“Most of the luxuries, and many of the so called comforts of life, are not only not indispensable, but positive hinderances to the elevation of mankind.”


By stressing the importance of becoming closer to nature, Thoreau shows the ridiculousness of excessive education that “plays” at life in lieu of practical experience (“How could youths better learn to live than by at once trying the experiment of living?”). He repeatedly brings up the merits of finding companionship within our own solitude, getting lost in a book, emphasizing only that which is real and striving for simplicity (“ ... For my greatest skill has been to want but little …”) above any and all else. He writes much in the spirit of “To thine own self be true”; hence, “What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate.” and “Every path but your own is the path of fate. Keep on your own track, then.”

The first part of the book is much more philosophical, while the second half of the book seems to dwell (almost maddeningly so) on botany, nature, and seemingly inconsequential experiments and measurements. At one point, Thoreau details how he spent hours and days looking at ice and bubbles within the ice and such—to the point where a reader might question whether the solitude was actually causing him to go crazy. This question gains momentum when you consider that he fantasizes about wars between rival ant gangs, but he recovers when he muses beautifully about children planting lilacs, being outlived by the flowers, and then having the lilacs go on to tell the story.

Many have credited “Walden” with being the first conservation book, an ode to the importance of nature and the outdoors. Indeed, he decries the “sport” of hunting and even killing other beings for food:

“No humane being, past the thoughtless age of boyhood, will wantonly murder any creature, which holds its life by the same tenure that he does. The hare in its extremity cries like a child.”

In addition to his effort to protect wildlife, he goes on to talk about the importance of communing with the great wide open and maintaining that connection to the land:

“We need the tonic of wilderness … At the same time that we are earnest to explore and learn all things, we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land and sea be infinitely wild, unsurveyed and unfathomed by us because unfathomable. We can never have enough of Nature.”

“ … For I was rich, if not in money, in sunny hours and summer days, and spent them lavishly; nor do I regret that I did not waste more of them in the workshop or the teacher’s desk.”


Thoreau is the author of many of my favorite quotes, particularly “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Admittedly, some of “Walden” reads like a love story to artists -- “A farmer, a hunter, a soldier, a reporter, even a philosopher, may be daunted; but nothing can deter a poet, for he is actuated by pure love.” From that standpoint, I reacted strongly to his words about the profession of writing: “But the writer … speaks to the intellect and heart of mankind, to all in any age who can understand him … A written word is the choicest of relics. It is something at once more intimate with us and more universal than any other work of art. It is the work of art nearest to life itself.”

In many ways, his work is about the unquenchable drive for us to find the keys to life in someone else’s truth -- to discover something forgotten, something someone has already figured out, documented and then lost. In a way, some of us approach reading in the manner of expecting that if we read enough books, life may eventually make some sense to us. Thoreau asks, “How many a man has dated a new era in his life from the reading of a book? The books exists for us perchance which will explain our miracles and reveal new ones. The at-present unutterable things we may find somewhere uttered.”

So what did Thoreau truly learn in his escape into the woods and the lake? It depends on how you choose to read “Walden” and the life experiences you elect to call upon in deciding which aspects of the piece to highlight. After all, it’s part autobiography, part environmental essay, part rejection of society, part motivational book, part Luddite thesis, part celebration of life, part zoology textbook … and many other things as well. Even Thoreau himself seemed to recognize that he learned too much to share, distilling it down to a more general conclusion:

“I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours …
“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”

Best Part Is When They Try To, Like, Reason With Him

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Rather repetitive and long, but … I mean … funny. In a sad sort of way.

Evolution Of “Beauty”—Slapping On (More Than) A Coupla Coats Of Paint

Scary. And this is getting ready to be a significant concern in my life.

Not so good times.

Duke Provides Comedic Material Overload

Every great once in a while, something comes along that I simply can't add commentary to. This one writes itself, and frankly, it left me speechless. It was like the basketball program got together and decided on a pre-emptive strike, saying, "Let's take all of the things people make fun of us for and put it in one place for easy reference."

Thanks Duke. I guess.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXII: A Nod To Everett Case, Plus A Week Of Sad Commentaries On Things

A 100-year hoops celebration
For all of Wolfpack Nation
There is no debate
The first 80 were great
The last 20, State’s been on vacation

What the fuck is wrong with folks?
Sounding an amber alert as a hoax?
Using your child as a publicity stunt
You jackass and you stupid cunt
Tired of “Balloon Boy” and all the jokes

I said, “Get rid of the ‘Stache, please”
Then Nick Satan had the backbone of a sneeze
They passed up on Purdue’s Drew twice
Now he comes back to Miami with a vice
With Drew, success would have been a Brees

There’s no longer a surprise
At their distortions and lies
That’s just Fox being Fox
And blowing Republican cocks
They think the Klan are pretty swell guys

He played football with spirit and drive
Now they’re keeping his memory alive
Jasper Howard was a father-to-be
He’s gone in a stabbing tragedy
His child will have uncles numbering 105

Last time …

The Scooters at the Halfway Mark: Aggressive Mediocrity

It’s been a rocky fantasy football season in my money league thus far, starting out 0-2, winning back-to-back and eventually winding up at 3-3 at the midway mark. Most of the games have been tight, with the good guys coming through with one- and four-point victories to go with a nine-point loss.

The best news is probably that I am 3-0 in division play. The worst news is that a couple of my early-round picks (draft recap here and here) have been disasters and I shotgunned my own left foot with an ugly trade. So where does that leave me? Right in the thick of things in a hyper-competitive league … praying that Steve Smith pries his head out of his arse. Anyway, here's a review of my draft class at the midway point of my fantasy league's regular season.

1st round: Stephen Jackson
Two of the things I liked about S-Jax this year were that the Rams offensive line actually appeared to be a strong point and there was said to be an emphasis on getting him the ball in the passing game more often. Well, playing for arguably the worst team in the league, Jackson has still somehow found a way to rack up a lot of combined yardage (unfortunately, when your team is down 21-0 in the first quarter every game, it’s hard to get a guy 25 carries). Incredibly, though, he has yet to score a touchdown … so … ouch. He even fumbled on the goal line in Week 6. On the plus side, he has been relatively healthy, has run with abandon and has produced even though he’s perhaps the only valid offensive threat on the team. The hope here is that the Rams get a bit healthier up front and that they can get some semblance of a passing game going to create some room for Jackson.

2nd round: Steve Smith
An out-and-out disaster. No touchdowns, no pass plays over 40 yards, no quarterback. I thought that Jake Delhomme had reached rock bottom in the playoffs last year, but god bless the “Carolina Cajun,” he grabbed a shovel and kept by-god digging. On top of everything else, the combustible Smith is about ready to explode (they didn’t trade him before the deadline, unfortunately), bitching (rightfully so) about not getting enough passes. But hell, maybe it’ll do him some good to beat the shite out of a teammate to sort of reset the season. The only silver lining here is that Smith is way too good of a player not to break out at some point. Right? Hello? Bueller?

3rd round: Marques Colston
As I mentioned, Colston is a guy I really wanted this year—and he is actually one guy who is performing to my expectations and needs. He’s been a bit too hit or miss for my liking (6 points, 6 points, 24 points, 0 points, 0 points on bye, 23 points), and I’d like to see him reach the end zone a bit more often, but he does seem to be the guy that Drew Brees looks to first. Colston’s problem is that the Saints sometimes seem to have too many weapons, but I wasn’t going to be left out of the New Orleans scoring parade (*fill in Mardi Gras joke here*) this year and Colston is poised for a huge second half.

4th round: Roy Williams
Well, I admitted that this was a cringe-worthy pick when I made it, and I was unfortunately right. After a tremendous start (20 points in Week 1), he has disappeared as usual. The reality is that he is simply not an elite-caliber receiver, and he lets too many opportunities slip through his fingers that true No. 1 wideouts take advantage of. Throw in an injury that sidelined him for a little while and I have very few expectations for Roy E. the remainder of the year.

5th round: Lendale White
Not only does Lendale appear to have added on the weight that he had dropped, but he has added fumbling to his list of “skills.” He’s regressed to the point where he is not even really a goal-line option anymore, and it doesn’t help that Tennessee is, in a word, brutal this year. Even if Chris Johnson were to get run down by a short bus at his “alma mater,” EZU, I doubt White would do anything as the top back for the Titans. If only I got points for tequila-diet-related jokes …


6th round: Hines Ward
Somewhat amazingly, arguably my first-half MVP. Ward has been a revelation, consistently scoring in the double-digits each and every week and throwing in a monster Week 6. He hasn’t reached the end zone that much and he has dropped and fumbled a couple, but he is putting together a career year. Roethlisberger is playing well enough that both Santonio Holmes and Ward can be considered No. 1 targets, and Ward is still the guy who gets the first look when things break down for “Big Ben.” Honestly, I don’t know where the F I would be without Ward (*knocked on wood*).

7th round: Jay Cutler
I took a gamble a bit with Cutler, and he has rewarded my faith with consistent 20-plus-point outings. He’s still capable of making rookie-like, WTF throws, but he also makes throws that no other quarterback in the league can make. I expected Cutler’s abilities to elevate a subpar receiving corps, and he has done so thus far, aided by the emergence of Johnnie Knox(ville). Cutler can also run with the ball a little bit, so I would hope that the Bears will call a few more bootleg plays in the red zone with him in the second half, an area where they have struggled.

8th round: Ahmad Bradshaw
I’m a jackass. To expound, I traded Bradshaw for Dustin Keller when I was 0-2. In my defense, Keller was breaking through and I wasn’t starting Bradshaw at the time, so I was looking to make a move to shake things up. I had my reservations at the time, and in retrospect, it was the worst trade I’ve made in my decade in this league. My team would be a bit scarier if he was still on the roster. Dammit.

9th round: Fred Taylor
To illustrate my “luck” in fantasy football, Taylor racked up a 100-yard game when he was on my bench, so I started him the next week and he broke his ankle and was gone for the year (maybe career). You roll the dice with “Fragile Fred”—and I crapped out. So instead of Bradshaw and Taylor rounding out my running back corps, I have LeRon McClain and Jamaal Charles. Dammit, times deux.

10th round: Kevin Boss
He’s been horrible after a promising six-point start. Most of us felt like he would play a larger role this year, not expecting Steve Smith and Mario Manningham to emerge like they have. Instead, his lack of output dictated a bad trade and relegated his three-catch, 14-yard-having arse to the bench.


11th round: Kyle Orton
He’s my backup, but he’s only had one game where he’s thrown for less than 229 yards. I liked him because the Broncos have a lot of weapons, and now that Brandon Marshall appears to have his head on straight, Orton looks that much better. His yardage is up there, but I’d like to see his TDs increase. Either way, I doubt he’ll get off the bench, but he got me 30 points on Cutler’s bye week and he’s been good to have around. As an unexpected bonus, the “Neck Beard” has added a ‘stache this year. Good times.

12th round: Panthers
Really bad, but they were the best defense remaining at the time. They’ve endured injuries beginning in training camp and continuing to this day, so I’ve only started them a couple of times (to not-so-hot results).

13th round: Mason Crosby
He was a guy that I couldn’t believe was still available after several other kickers were taken, and he’s been really, really good so far. He’s tied for fourth in the league in made field goals and he has a strong leg, so he’s been fairly dependable for me thus far.

14th round: Tony Scheffler
Well, he was the guy I had to drop to make room for Keller in the earlier trade, so it figures that he would start going off after I jettisoned his arse. Tight ends are so tough to gauge, but looking back, I should have stuck with my gut and kept him. After all, Bradshaw and Scheffler would be looking a lot better to me right now than McClain and Keller.

15th round: Bobby Engram
Dude was Nowheresville for the first couple of weeks, so I dropped him for another Random Kansas City Receiver in Bobby Wade (who promptly had two weeks with touchdowns on my bench). I really thought Engram would have a Welker-type role with the Chefs, but they blow and he blows, so … this was not a terribly surprising development.

16th round: Jerheme Urban
A good guy to have for depth purposes, he had 74 yards in Week 1 with Steve Breaston out, so I think he could do it if he had the chance. For now, though, he’s the fourth WR on a pass-happy team, so … it is what it is.


17th round: Dan Carpenter
I started him during Crosby’s bye and I think he had a few points. Beyond that, though, he’s just a dude.

18th round: 49ers
They haven’t been consistent enough to qualify as a revelation, but San Fran has proved to have a pretty damn good defense this year (except for the Atlanta game). There was a 48-point outburst in Week 5 (THREE defensive touchdowns), but they’re still not to the level that I can pencil them in every week. I have to go by matchup between the Niners and the Panthers, but the good news is that Frisco has a shite schedule from here on out.

Wish the Scooters luck … we haven’t had much of it and we need it.

Dogs Are Awesome, Part Deux

To add on to the premise that dogs are awesome, this touching and emotional clip shows a doggy risking life and limb to try to save a fellow pup that had been struck by a car (warning: it is a bit graphic). The stricken dog did end up dying, but it is still beautiful in a way.



On a more lighthearted note, I think this is how most dog owners hope their dogs act when they are not home.

This Happened, The Halloween Version

So, for the second straight year since we've lived here, our neighborhood has decided that it would be eminently epic to "haunt" each other (click on the image for the gory details). Apparently, this involves sneaking onto a complete stranger's property and depositing a poorly rendered and photocopied "ghost" on their house, complete with cheap, autumn-like gift from Wal-Mart.

And a lot of sighs. And shakes of the head.

Because nothing says "Happy Halloween" like trespassing, dollar-bin shopping and furtive glances.

The Summer Of Ube, Not Starring George Costanza

Much of the summer was dedicated to converting a very, very cluttered study into an Ube room. This involved transporting lots of files and furniture, stripping the ceiling of popcorn, priming, painting the room several colors, taking down and replacing the fan, and decorating the room with various infant-like pieces of furniture (click on the pictures for the larger versions, if you are so interested). Good times ...


So ... the popcorn-removal aspect of the project sort of blew.


Like, really blew.


Minus the persistent electrocution threat, the taking down of the fan really wasn't that tough. I also noticed that many of my pictures featured beer bottles in the background.


Sanding the ceiling covered everything in white dust, starring yours truly as Tony Montana.


Taping off the molding sucked, but the primer worked like a champ, even on the newly sanded and bikini-waxed ceiling.


Yes. Pink. Very pink.


Step 72 involved painting alternating green stripes for Ube.


The crib was among the many, many things I have put together over the past few months.


The in-laws came through with these cabinets and some awesome drapes.


Here we see the new fan, spinning in front of the super-white, smooth ceiling.


The glider was awkward to put together, but super-comfortable and meshes well with the stripey stuff.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXI: Faux News Finally Called On Carpet, Plus Half My Teams Have ‘Nads

Like Jews to bagels and lox
To Fox, the religious right flocks
Now the White House is going to treat them
As an ignorant enemy full of phlegm
Shoulda just stuck with the Simpsons, Fox

Has State finally reached bottom?
If we had I’s, we forgot to dot ‘em
All we ask is respectable ball
But it’s going to be a long haul
So smoke ‘em if you got ‘em

His fat-ass mouth he’ll never hush
Painkillers have made his brain mush
Made racist comments about McNabb
As he fed his enormous flab
No room at the NFL inn for that bitch Rush

Under Bush, help came never
He thought his flyby was being clever
The pace of recovery has made me queasy
What’s the future of the Big Easy?
Hope Obama indeed makes it better than ever

It was great to see Ned Ginn grabbing
And shut up the announcers from blabbing
Miami had me on needles and pins
It was Hispanic Heritage Month for the ‘Fins
What better way to celebrate than a stabbing

Last time …

O’Brien 2.5: The State Of State Football At The Halfway Point

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that it’s likely not too smart to grade Pack football coach Tom O’Brien immediately following one of the most embarrassing and disturbing losses in the history of NC State football. However, I’m a believer that every new coach should receive five years to instill his program and his kids before the subject of his dismissal—or a contract extension—should be broached. Keeping that in mind, we’re now 2.5 years into the O’Brien era … so let’s have a (not totally comprehensive) report card of the progress halfway toward that five-year mark.

Gameday Coaching: C
Why is this category first? Because nothing else matters except Saturdays (and sometimes Thursdays). Each and every measurement begins and ends with gameday. Keep in mind that this category is substantially and crucially different than preparation; this involves making in-game adjustments based on what the other team is doing. Winning the third quarter is usually a fairly good indication that what you are seeing in the first half and reacting to during halftime changes is working. Frankly, this is an area that has been woefully disappointing since O’Brien arrived; too often, the damn-the-torpedoes resolve (hell, he’s an ex-Marine) involved in sticking with a plan and hoping it eventually pays off has been found to be wanting against the better coaches. Among all the categories in which you can grade a coach, this one is perhaps most disturbing to me.

Recruiting: B
To be fair, this is an area where O’Brien has actually been a pleasant surprise, in most quarters. He has long been considered to have a tremendous eye for talent, with some even describing him as an advance scout for Notre Dame when he was the head man at Boston College (i.e., he would spot a player at B.C., offer him a scholly, N.D. would see that happen, swoop in and land the player). To some who rely too much on rankings and get star-struck, there would appear to be an over-reliance on “sleepers.” However, O’Brien and his staff have proven that not only are they adept at recruiting to a system and signing players who match their profile, but they are also increasingly able to land big-time talents who are coveted by major programs. This grade would be higher if there were a couple fewer unqualified players every year and the on-field results were trending upward a little more clearly, but I think the recruiting philosophy is a winnable blend of system additions and difference-makers, and it will bear out as a successful approach in the long run.


Preparation/Game Planning: C+
The hard part is that the blame for woeful early-season starts has to be bundled into this category -- but so to do the strong finishes that have occurred in O’Brien’s first two seasons. For the most part, the staff has done a fairly good job of anticipating what the foe is going to do and fashioning a game plan that maximizes advantages and addresses shortcomings, especially (as with Herb Sendek in basketball) when there is additional time to do so. However, holes in the system have appeared in Year 3, with the predictability on the Pack’s part and the element of surprise on the opponent’s side leading to mind-boggling losses at Wake Forest and at home to Duke. Initially, this has been perceived to be a strength of this staff, but the relative lack of results in the era-defining Year 3 is setting off alarm bells throughout Wolfpack Nation.

Player Development: B-
Another very tough grade because there are areas where player development is easy to see (along the lines of scrimmage) and other areas where the lack of development is glaring (secondary, linebacker). Year 3 has demonstrated an almost unconscionable lack of fundamentals in some spots, which have been graphically displayed in the sheer number of missed tackles and dropped passes. Shortcomings in this category also have to be attributing to the slow starts under O’Brien as well. However, if you believe that games are won and lost on the line of scrimmage (as I do), this grade should get a requisite boost thanks to what would appear to the development of potentially dominant defensive and offensive lines. However, in Year 3, once again, whether this category can be perceived as a strength or weakness of this staff is certainly up for debate due to recent performances.

Staff: B-
One of the biggest criticisms of Chuck Amato (and rightfully so) was his inability to retain assistants from year to year, thus losing any semblance of continuity within the program. Now, though, the question has shifted into whether continuity should trump an overly loyal approach to assistants who don’t appear to be getting the job done. Does O’Brien have the fortitude to say goodbye to someone he hired or has a longstanding relationship with? If this is truly a “performance-based organization,” as he has repeatedly stated, at what point do you stop wandering down a certain road and start looking for a new path? These are legitimate questions for the offseason, should the Pack season continue to deteriorate at its current pace. But on the whole, O’Brien has assembled a loyal, hard-working, tireless group of football junkies who love to recruit … one would like to believe that that eventually has to pay off.


Offense: B
The presence of Russell Wilson automatically bumps this grade up a notch or two, because what he has done is bring playmaking ability into a sound system that relies on the winning of one-on-one matchups. As the trump card, Wilson has the ability to save a play by making something out of nothing with his feet, and coordinator Dana Bible also deserves a lot of credit for tailoring his offense to match Wilson’s strengths, instead of the other way around. Now, whether or not the playcalling itself is too vanilla or conservative is certainly a viable question. Too often, defenses seem to know what play is coming based on formation, and it would appear that every time Wilson is under center, a run is coming. Bible has long been dogged by the reputation that he plays it too close to the vest (State has used maybe two trick plays on offense since O’Brien’s staff arrived), but his willingness to institute spread offense principles represents a departure from his desired offense and a willingness to play to personnel strengths, resulting in a sound grade overall.

Defense: C+
Here, opinions range quite a bit, most revolving around the ability—or lack thereof—of coordinator Mike Archer. On the plus side, State’s defense this year features more 3-4 principles and the defensive line has been both stout against the run and strong on the pass rush. On the down side, the Pack has been able to get precious few turnovers, has been devastated by inconsistency at linebacker and has been destroyed by inexperience and lack of fundamentals in the defensive backfield. To be fair, the Wolfpack has lost perhaps the best overall player on its team in linebacker Nate Irving and another playmaker in safety Javon Walker, whose career has ended abruptly. Teams attacked the seams in Irving’s absence last year, and when you combine his loss this year with the fact that the Wolfpack is horrible (there’s no other word for it) at cornerback, then basically teams can attack the middle and the boundaries of the field with short passes with abandon—and have. Where NC State is now is the secondary is too undisciplined to play zone successfully and too unathletic to play man successfully, which has allowed teams to attack through the air relentlessly with quick passes on three-step drops, rendering ineffective the Pack’s lone defensive strength: the defensive line. Now, the plus side is that it will be easy to predict what opposing offenses are going to do to State from here on out; the down side is that this coaching staff has proven to be powerless to stop it even when it knows exactly what is coming. How the second half of the ’09 season plays out will go a long way toward determining many of the categories above—and which grades need to be altered.

Special Teams: D
In a word, unacceptable. State either has the wrong guys on special teams, the wrong schemes on special teams, the wrong emphasis on special teams or the wrong recruiting approach to special teams—or all of the above. The punter has to hope for 20-yard rolls to approach respectable punting averages when it isn’t getting blocked, the kicker is obsolete beyond 40 yards and can’t reach the 10-yard line on kickoffs, the coverage units aren’t disciplined or tough enough to handle assignments, and the return teams are led by a guy who goes 95 yards 2% of the time and runs 35 miles an hour into the kidneys of his own blockers the other 98% of the time. The Pack has a helluva snapper, though. Seriously, Jerry Petercuskie may be a strong recruiting coordinator, but as a special teams leader, he has to be aware that his job is in jeopardy, because his unit’s performance has been simply inexcusable, and outside of Steven Hauschka in O’Brien’s first year, this phase of the program has been surprisingly inadequate.


Results/Overall Grade: C+
Ah yes … the nitty gritty. NC State is 14-17 overall and 7-11 in ACC play thus far under O’Brien. The 5-7 mark in Year 1 actually represented a strong coaching effort considering what was left O’Brien & Co., and last year’s turnaround and four-game winning streak to earn a bowl berth was very impressive as well. Perhaps unfortunately for O’Brien and his staff, though, that finish led to high hopes for the Wolfpack heading into 2009, spurred by the return of the ACC Offensive Player of the Year in Wilson, the decision of standout end Willie Young to bypass the NFL for one more season, the return to health of a few key players and a favorable schedule. In most quarters, the expectations were tempered quite a bit by the loss of Irving (it was underestimated, in my opinion), but the lackluster outing in the season opener against South Carolina sent a shock wave through the Pack faithful. Lopsided wins over Murray State and Gardner-Webb proved that the Wolfpack could dismantle the teams it was supposed to beat, and a thrilling victory over Pitt showed that State could play with the big boys. Laying cracked and stinky eggs in the first two conference matchups against eminently beatable Wake Forest and Duke, however, suddenly throws into question the actual direction of the program.

It may not be entirely fair to place so much of the emphasis on the referendum on O’Brien’s tenure on Year 3 instead of the first two campaigns (although the grade is a bit higher due to the strong finishes in the 2007 and 2008), but the reality is that Year 3 is usually when programs on solid footing under a new coach tend to begin emerging. NC State has displayed time and again that it is a second-half team under O’Brien, but that reduced margin for error is going to catch up with any team eventually. Is this the year? That remains to be seen, but one suspects that the Wolfpack had better win a couple of games it is not supposed to win in order to take some of the heat off of O’Brien, because those howls in the distance are much closer than they appear—and they sure as hell ain’t wolves.

“Just Push That Small Intestine Aside And Cozy On In, Little Buddy”

Greatest. Thing. Ever.

I’m pretty sure my fantasy when I was 6 years old was to sleep inside a TaunTaun with Princess Leia.

*sigh*

After Promising Start, “Boondock Saints” Doesn’t Live Up To Underground Cult Status

“But there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men.”

A tattoo artist I know once told me that they had a rush of youngsters coming into their parlor asking for “the tattoo from ‘Boondock Saints’” (an Irish cross on the inside of the arm). Setting aside the idiocy and unoriginality stemming from asking for a tattoo that means nothing except that you saw it in a movie that was made a decade ago, it pointed out the rise of this flick as a cult classic. So, I had to check it out for myself.

Originally released in 1999, it was re-released in theaters in 2006. It was written and directed by Troy Duffy, who apparently had been inspired to write the screenplay when he witnessed a drug dealer rob a corpse for heroin money in Los Angeles. Casting problems stymied the production of the film itself, along with Duffy’s own ego problems; at one point, Mark Wahlberg and Stephen Dorff had been tabbed for the lead brother roles—which, obviously, would have been met with horrible results.

The movie deals primarily with the concept of vigilante justice. Twin brothers Connor and Murphy McManus, played by Sean Patrick Flanery and Norman Reedus, respectively, are intent on avenging their dead mother, who was killed under circumstances we’re not privy to—or so we are somewhat led to believe. Either that or they are inspired by a sermon about the sad, incredible tale of Kitty Genovese. Living in poverty in an old jail or locker room, the brothers toil at dead-end jobs, brawl, go to church, punch women, speak many languages and, of course, drink. A lot. All of those factors eventually lead to them getting caught in the cross-fire between the Irish and Russian mafia, thrust into the middle of an international gang war they wanted little part of. After an evening in their favorite bar (served by a hysterical old bartender with Tourette’s), they get into a dustup with Russian gangsters that leads to a couple of dead Ruskies—and the brothers emerging as prime suspects for the Boston PD.

Cue the arrival of FBI Special Agent Paul Smecker, an eccentric, flamboyantly gay character played by Willem Defoe (apparently channeling Denis Leary). Using a Discman (which is funny, for some reason), Smecker listens to classical music as he investigates crime scenes and creeps out his colleagues with his effeminate ways. However, in a movie riddled with gay overtones, the agent attempts to fight back against the stereotypes in some ways; in one scene, after an intimate encounter with an Asian man, he kicks him out of bed, saying, “Cuddle? What a fag.”

The shot-up brothers eventually turn themselves into Smecker, playing up the fact that they acted in self-defense and using the jail as a safe haven against Russian mafia reprisals. The McManus brothers turn out to be local heroes among the cops, giving them even more protection, and Smecker realizes that they will bear close watching. In a strange scene set in the jail in the middle of the night, God supposedly revealed to the brothers simultaneously that their mission is to punish the wicked; the revelation isn’t clear in the movie and I only read about it in other quarters, so that’s a pretty major plot point to leave clouded in confusion.

Using foreshadowing and flashbacks, more characters are woven into the story, including a surprise appearance by the “Hedgehog,” Ron Jeremy, as a mafia henchman and the husband of Chloe from “24,” Carlo Rota, as boss “Papa Joe” Yakavetta. Somewhat accidentally, the McManus brothers stumble into the Yakavetta line of fire by intercepting a shit-ton of money involved in a Yakavetta drug deal, aided by the hysterical Rocco, a “Serpico” lookalike and Yakavetta mule with a variety of issues. The brothers put coins over the eyes of their adversaries, an ancient ritual intended to pay the toll for the dead to get across the river Styx.


Eventually, the brothers realize that they can steal from the evil while removing them from the world (they refer to themselves humorously as 7/11), so they establish a vendetta against Boston’s criminal underworld, eventually incorporating Rocco into their exploits. Rocco gets off to an auspicious start in overcompensating for his pushover reputation, killing a few Mafioso in a café (including one who looked liked Borat), accidentally murdering his sometimes-girlfriend’s cat, fondling an unconscious stripper (to which he says, “I’ll tip her!”) and shooting up a strip joint.

Driven by the credo “Evil man. Dead man.”, the trio’s efforts to exterminate as many pieces of shit in Beantown as possible forces the Yakavetta family to bring an animal out of retirement. “Il Duce” is painted as a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Kaiser Soze, a caged and imprisoned weapon to be used only as a last resort. He’s played by the always-underrated Billy Connolly, and after his pardon is bought, he goes after the threesome with an unstoppable, demonic pursuit. The epic moment of the movie comes when Il Duce tracks down the brothers and Rocco, and what ensues is a slow-motion, hellacious gunfight set to classical music in a really neat scene.

Smecker keeps stumbling across and investigating gorier and gorier scenes, and his inability to track down the culprits leads to something resembling a mental breakdown. He envisions a reenactment of the gunfight in another tremendous effect that depicts him walking through the flashbacks as bullets, blood and body parts fly all around him. The haunted Smecker gets his big break when he finds Rocco’s finger (somewhat predictably) lying in a bush. When the trio realize that Smecker will eventually find out who they are, some in-fighting ensues, although they team back up to fix their wounds with an iron, in a rather disturbing and pain-inducing scene.

Also somewhat predictably, Rocco goes over the edge during an intense confrontation with a priest inside a confessional booth. When the Yakavetta family eventually catches the three, Rocco meets an untimely end, marked by his final words of “Don’t ever stop.” The McManus brothers gain a couple of unlikely partners when Smecker enables them and Il Duce joins their cause as well. Again, in a rather unclear scene, the audience is asked to make the supposition that Il Duce is, in fact, the brothers’ father. In the next-to-last scene, the brothers and their father execute “Papa Joe” in a courtroom, gaining access thanks to the help of the police and Feds.

The credits run to a pretty cool documentary-type treatment of Boston citizens (even though the flick is filmed in Canada) reacting to the question of whether “The Saints” (they are never referred to as “The Boondock Saints” in the movie) are good or evil, asked by a reporter played by the girl who plays Holly on “The Office.” We listen in as Bostonians pontificate on whether killing is ever justified, whether the McManus trio are purely murderers or whether they are actually doing a service in protecting the city and its people from the harshest criminals.

It’s an intriguing movie, buoyed by some cool scenes, a unique premise and an aggressive soundtrack. However, the promise delivered in the first half of the flick disappears in the latter half, as the film devolves into a shoot-‘em-up. Sure, there is lots of blood and some timely one-liners, but the philosophical bent and discussion of morality offered up in the beginning are quickly forgotten at the end. Among other holes, are we really led to believe that the brothers just worked in a slaughterhouse and moped around up until their revelation? Is it not strange that they fell into their mission as evil exterminators accidentally? Failing the authenticity of his name, Flanery is simply not believable in his role as a badass; he’s just too dainty to pull it off. Also, there should simply be zero confusion as to major plot points such as God telling a couple of layabouts to start killing criminals, the references to the mother and Kitty Genovese, and whether or not Il Duce was father to the McManus brothers.

All told, it was an interesting, cool movie and well worth watching, but it fell far short of most of the elements that turn a forgotten flick into a cult classic. But it may be too late to stop the momentum; apparently, the sequel, “Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day,” has already been filmed. I didn’t quite get what all the hubbub was about, but apparently more blood is on the way.

Oh well. Maybe it’ll at least have some awesome-like tattoos in it.

Dolphin-Safe Tuna's "QB Commandments"

So far, so good, Chad Henne. Keep it up tonight against the %!@#*&( Jets.

First Obama Speaks To Students -- And Now This?!

Welcome to America … the only nation in the world in which a disturbed and disturbing portion of its citizenry could possibly find a way to be infuriated by the fact that its President won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Dear sweet ever-lovin’ fucknuts.

Apparently, it's better to some to have a President who was universally hated vs. one who is universally respected. It’s becoming harder and harder to stay insulated from the tiny-baby-jeezus-worshipping, fraud-committing, pill-popping, common-sense-challenged, hypocritical mouth-breathers that don’t know their ass from their elbow.

I apologize in advance, Ube, for bringing you into this. We’ll do our best.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXX: Geek Squad To The “Rescue” Or Something, Plus Raleigh Must Not Measure Common Sense

My laptop was useless, to my dismay
For a new hard drive I had to pay
To replace it took longer than god
After I took it on over to Geek Squad
One of them looked like Billy Joe from Green Day

Raleigh is the smartest city of its kind?
You’ll pardon me and my disagree whine
I really wish it was true
But if they had seen what I do
Those polled must not take the Beltline

So many flags you have to duck
If we catch a pass, it must be luck
We tackle like a buncha fags
Our special teams are in rags
Why does this all remind me of Chuck …

Bobby Bowden is the king of Tallahassee sin
He’s gone, but just a matter of when
Because he’s now a lame duck
To violations, folks say, “What the f%$k!?”
Guess it’s only a problem when you don’t win

When a TD disappeared from my score
Rage filled me all the way to the core
Only to me would this actually take place
Unfixed, I would have shot my face
If I lost to someone named Mewelde Moore

And a bonus one for the road ...

“Californication” plotlines are a bit blurry
The dialogue is kinda slurry
Hank is still a Mulder-like dork
And with Karen off in New York
Only two reasons to watch: Eva Amurri

Last time …

Ella Would Have Waited Forever

Watch CBS News Videos Online

I thought this was awesome. Dogs are awesome. That's all I have.

Pick Yourself Up

You have probably seen this by now, unless you live in a cave somewhere with Eric Rudolph or Bin Laden.

Someone told me once that the key to life is to get up exactly one more time than you fall down, and I have tried very hard to keep that in mind through the inevitable valleys. But I have never seen it crystallized in quite this way before.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXIX: Thanks For Everything, C-Pen, Plus Good For You, Uncle Dave

0-3 was the start I did fear
My ‘Fins make me reach for a beer
Chad’s shoulder hangs by a thread
His career is now all but dead
But thanks for one magical year

Good news announced with a “Hark!”
Half of infants will live to the century mark
Good luck to Ube and every baby
Living to 100 would be cool, maybe
You can take your great-grandkids to the park

First the DVR crapped out all of a sudden
Then laptop problems were buddin’
The toilet was destroyed by the fam
Costs are forcing me to eat Spam
Technology is turning me into a curmudgeon

Ned Ginn and his fetal position I jeer
Now get ready for the stat of the year
He’s got 134 yards on the fetch
But only one after the catch
Tough when your top wideout’s a queer

Blackmail drove a producer at CBS
Targeting Letterman’s workplace transgress
It’s true what he did was kinda shitty
But he was just a single guy in the City
To me, he’s doesn’t have much to confess

Last time …

To Ube From Cup A Joe, Vol. III

“Sentiments As You Slept”

When my shoulders ache
And the dust does rise
Though in white I am caked
I can almost see your eyes
And I realize just what’s at stake

In a dirty room I toil
‘Til I’ve worn every muscle
And though the heat does boil
It’s worth the hustle and bustle
Because to you I’ll always be loyal

So keep holding on tight
And just know this is true
I pray for you every night
As I know you know I do
I’ll protect you with all my might

And from the very start
When I didn’t know your name
You found your way to my heart
I hope you’ll feel the same
When at last we’re no longer apart

As the days number few
And anticipation builds
I promise that through
Lowest lows and highest thrills
I’ll always try my best for you