OK, so with the first half of the draft gone, it’s time for a quick story. Picking just before and after me (in alternating rounds) was my arch-nemesis, a complete douchenberger who has won back-to-back-to-back titles—a begrudgingly amazing feat in a 14-team league, no matter how lucky he is. Beyond that, he’s a fat piece of shit that almost no one likes and who offers ridiculous trades to guys he’s been playing with for like 15 years.
Anyway, most of the dudes in my league (not me) are also in a 12-team league that always drafts the day before our 14-team league draft. A few wives are in that league and it’s more of a shit-talking, fun type of atmosphere … So, anyway, I’m told that the Douchenberger showed up to “watch” their draft the night before ours. Keep in mind, he’s NOT IN THAT FUCKING LEAGUE. And he doesn’t drink. And he takes notes. And he lurks in the corner like he’s one step away from starring on “To Catch a Predator.”
What is he doing? He said he’s charting “tendencies” to inform his “owner profile.” Apparently, this fucking no-life degenerate keeps secret files on all the guys in his league that denote their past drafting trends and transaction moves, etc. As if this weren’t enough, he got up (stone sober) in the middle of our draft and took a 20-minute grumpy, rendering the lone bathroom in the draft room obsolete for roughly four rounds. So here you have a fat, creepy, basement-dwelling tool putting the proverbial icing on the shit cake by trucker-dumping a bathroom in the middle of a fantasy football draft. Dear christ.
Anyway … on to the second round of the draft:
10th round, 134th overall: Kevin Boss, TE, New York Giants
To make matters worse, the Trucker-Dumper poached Kellen Winslow just in front of me in this spot. Now, I hate Winslow with a passion, and it’s not like my team is going to live or die on what that pussy does in Tampa Bay, but it was the first time the douchenberger had successfully jumped my pick in the entire draft. Oh well. Boss is a serviceable addition, and Eli Manning is just panicky enough to look for the tight end on almost every passing down. Boss is a good red-zone threat, but I was hoping for a bit more of a dynamic #1 tight end. Alas, much like the unfortunate host’s bathroom, the Trucker-Dumper soiled those plans as well.
11th round, 149th overall: Kyle Orton, QB, Denver
No matter how good a fantasy football owner you are, you always have at least one pick where you’re just berating yourself before, during and after the selection. The guy on the other side of me grabbed Eli Manning just before my choice, and I felt like I needed a second signal-caller in this spot, especially since Orton actually represented good value in this area. He’s an accurate QB, if nothing else, and you know Brandon Marshall has to extricate his head from his arse at some point. The Broncos are always going to be able to move the football, but Orton is just not a guy you can get excited about. My queasy feeling about this pick didn’t get better when Orton basically split his finger in two against someone’s helmet later that night. Honestly, though, dudes were taking kickers around this choice, so I couldn’t get too down about grabbing a potentially solid #2 (*pun intended*) signal-caller with this selection.
12th round, 162nd overall: Panthers, D/ST, Carolina
Ah, yes … the “keeper round.” In our league, if you take a guy in the 12th round or higher who turns out to be worth “keeping” the following year, you can retain him on your roster for the price of a sixth-round pick. It’s a neat idea in theory, but it almost never works out. For instance, NO ONE protected or kept a guy in this year’s draft. Anyway, as other owners made reaches on people like Brian Robiskie, Michael Crabtree, Mark Sanchez, Jeremy Maclin and Glenn Coffee, I had waited for the dust to settle long enough on the defensive front to have a pretty good option available to me. The crushing groan to my left as I wrote in the Panthers defense and special teams was strong enough to let me know I’d dashed someone else’s plans, which made this pick all the sweeter. Carolina’s not one of the most dominating “D’s” in the league, but they are stout enough to give me respectable points most weeks—and with a lot of intriguing possibilities at wide receiver (especially) and running back (somewhat) as trade bait, I felt confident I could upgrade my D/ST down the road if necessary.
13th round, 177th overall: Mason Crosby, K, Green Bay
Here’s another situation where it helped to sit back and watch a “run” on a specific position go its course, see what was left and then make a choice a couple of rounds later. Crosby is a strong-legged kicker for an offense that could put up a shit-ton of points in 2009, making him a good grab in the 13th round as my top kicker. In our league, kickers aren’t quite as valuable as they are in some leagues, but they can certainly make the difference in a couple of weeks during the year, and in a schedule that only lasts 12 games in the regular season, that can make all the difference.
14th round, 190th overall: Tony Scheffler, TE, Denver
I was more than a little surprised that Scheffler fell this far; in my mind, it was proof that my strategy was working. Most owners were focusing on other positions on their rosters at this stage of the draft, so I was able to double up at a pretty important position (tight ends are mandatory starts in my league) while other guys were scrounging for fourth wide receivers and backup quarterbacks. Scheffler was a favorite of Cutler’s, and with Orton’s relatively weak arm and propensity for checking down, he could catch a lot of passes for the Broncos this year. His presence here helped me feel a bit better about the choice of Boss a few rounds ago—now I think I have the option to dictate the starter by matchup at this position as the season progresses.
15th round, 205th overall: Bobby Engram, WR, Kansas City
Because I spent four of my top six picks on wideouts, I was able to ignore this position through the bulk of the draft. I felt like, in my #5 and #6 wide receiver slots, I had the freedom to roll the dice a bit, with relatively few consequences. I had drafted every position thus far and only needed a backup kicker and backup defense, so I could focus on wide receiver with my next two selections. Engram has always been one of the most underrated receivers in the NFL—the guy just punches in, catches 60 or so balls a year when healthy, moves the chains and doesn’t say a peep. That doesn’t make him exactly fantasy football gold, and he’s also getting up there (36!), but with the new Chiefs offense, he could fill the Wes Welker role for new QB Matt Cassel. The team isn’t exactly in love with #1 target Dwayne Bowe right now, either, and with Tony Gonzalez now in Atlanta, a team that is likely going to be down by three touchdowns in most second halves is going to have to throw to someone dependable. If Engram turns into that guy, he could be good trade fodder as my #5 WR, not bad for a player who isn’t likely to get off my bench.
16th round, 218th overall: Jerheme Urban, WR, Arizona
Here’s one of those “really, he’s white?” names that pops up every now and again. He’s had a great preseason for the Cards and Kurt Warner reportedly loves the guy (in a very Christian way). If and when Steve Breaston comes back, Urban will likely be the #4 wideout in Arizona, but having a Cardinals receiver is never a bad thing, and if things break a certain way, he could be a real steal in this spot. He’s my #6 wideout, after all, so I had the luxury of taking a longshot, high-reward dude with this selection. Also, I have always wanted a “Jerheme” on my team.
17th round, 233rd overall: Dan Carpenter, K, Miami
He’s a kicker. I needed a kicker. He’s a Dolphin. I needed a token Dolphin. What more do you want me to say here?
18th round, 246th overall: 49ers, D/ST, San Francisco
Um. They play a weak schedule? Former Pack stars Manny Lawson and Marcus Hudson play for them? Coach Mike Singletary might be the best linebacker on the squad? Rules mandate that I have to have a second defense, and their bye week was different from Carolina’s and they were one of like five defenses left, so after six beers or so, that made them the right fit for the last choice of a draft. If necessary, I can always drop and add defenses throughout the year based on matchup, so I don’t think it’s going to be bite me too bad.
*whew* That’s a lot of words, a lot of bad analogies and a lot of analysis for a long draft about a team that could feature 25% attrition over the course of the year. But at least it’s over—and football is here.
And on the bright side, maybe the bathroom doesn’t stink anymore.
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