To paraphrase “Animal House,” boring, losing and conservative is no way to go through life, son. And it has to suck to be Tony Sparano when you’re asked by your owner how in christ’s name you managed to lose to Cleveland, Buffalo and Detroit AT HOME in December. Yet that’s the position he finds himself in these days, with one game left in a season that might be break-even at best.
Yesterday, I took a look at some of the reasons why Sparano could keep his job. In the interest of being fair and balanced (#FeauxNewsjoke), today I offer up just as many reasons why he’ll find himself watching “Sparanos” reruns this offseason instead of game film.
His support is gone. Let’s face it: Sparano was a relative nobody who was hand-picked by a fraud in Bill Parcells. Who is left to have his back, really?
He’s with a franchise where learning on the job isn’t acceptable. Sparano had never even been a coordinator on the NFL level when he was tabbed for the Dolphins job. A lot went very right in his first season, but ever since, Miami’s been run of the mill and he hasn’t established a strong identity as a coach. At what point do you realize that you’re simply hoping that he becomes a good coach and then realize that, as many sales bibles repeat, hope isn’t a strategy?
His specialty has become a weak link. An offensive line coach by trade, Sparano encouraged the Dolphins to spend tons of resources up front. Yet outside of the tackles -- Jake Long and Vernon Carey -- the team has been dominated on the interior, leading to an inability to protect the passer and establish a ground game. Considering the amount of money and the number of draft picks invested along the offensive line, this should at least be the strongest unit on the team, if not in the league. Instead, it’s a borderline disaster, which might be one of the biggest disappointments of the Sparano tenure.
He’s too conservative. Michael Lombardi of NFL Network called Miami a “field goal offense,” and that is as apt a description as I’ve heard. The Dolphins have pissed away a number of games that they dominated throughout simply due to the fact that they play for field goals, leaving themselves no room for error. If that approach is due to personnel, that’s no excuse -- it is his personnel. And I would say that seemingly being willing to allow Chad Henne to drag him onto the unemployment line with him fits under this category as well.
He’s too reliant on Cowboy castoffs. Yes, both Bill Parcells and general manager Jeff Ireland came from Dallas along with Sparano, but Sparano is the guy who signs off on personnel moves. Way too often, this group has targeted rejects from Dallas, and when those guys lose jobs to Cowboys players that brutally underachieved this year, that tells you everything. Unfortunately, this brings back memories of Prick Saban drafting only SEC players or kids he recruited once upon a time, one of the many reasons for his cowardly departure.
He’s a horribly bad fit for the new ownership. Steve Ross announced his arrival at Dolphins headquarters by courting every Latino pop star and C-list celeb who would answer his calls. He’s Little Havana’s answer to Jerry Jones, more interested in the glitz, glam and pub than football. So, needless to say, an owner looking to turn Miami football into an event (like Heat basketball) isn’t going to fall in love with a coach who looks more like a sanitation worker in clothes that don’t fit and loves to play for field position and 13-9 victories. The bottom line is Ross wants to fill seats, and Sparano’s style simply isn’t going to make that an achievable priority.
His tenuous status is already working against him. With all the hubbub about when, not if, he’ll be shit-canned, Sparano finds himself in an exceedingly difficult position: Who is going to want to join the staff of a potentially dead-man-walking coach when offensive coordinator Dan Henning retires after this season? Better yet, what top candidate will want to come when they may -- legitimately -- feel they have a better resume for the head coaching job than the current coach does?
He’s done little to justify passing up sure-thing candidates. The presence of proven commodities like Bill Cowher and Jon Gruden sitting in announcing booths thinking about which job they’d like best hurts young, unproven coaches like Sparano more than most. You have to think some franchise is going to be willing to be a year early in giving up on a coach so as not to miss out on guys like Cowher and Gruden, who likely won’t be around if you need to let Sparano go next year. And to be brutally honest, Sparano simply hasn’t given any reasons to believe a Dolphins team under his leadership would be better in 2011 than one led by someone like Cowher or Gruden.
He’s got a moustache. I like Sparano, I do; but the motorcycle-cop look is pretty hard to take seriously on an NFL sideline. And to be perfectly honest, Miami has already failed in a really, really big way with a mustachioed coach in Dave Wannstedt. The bottom line is Sparano should have shaved the ‘stache the day he got the job.
So there you have it: Nine reasons Sparano will lose his job vs. nine reasons he’ll keep it. We’ll find out in a matter of days which argument wins out in the end.
