Gravestone Generator
After yet another brutal loss (made worse that it was to the mother’s-basement-dwelling “Trucker Dumper”) made possible by Jay Cutler disappearing and Knowshon Moreno having a clear touchdown ruled a fumble, The Scooters’ season has mercifully come to a close. This season has been so horrific and unlucky that I’m undertaking the unprecedented act of holding my awards ceremony with still one regular-season game left.
The Annual Clemson Fast Start, Late Implosion Award: Jay Cutler
I said it when I took him in the draft and it turned out to be prophetic, but my season basically hinged on Cutler. If he performed remotely like he did at Denver, he would be a steal (he was my seventh-rounder) and I would have a rock-solid roster top to bottom. Of course, when he started out with several 20+ outings in a row, it looked very promising. Now, he’s an interception machine and playing scared, throwing off his back foot on seemingly every pass. Granted, he’s a one-man show behind a terrible offensive line, but he singlehandedly cost my team about three games, ruining a once-promising campaign.
Jim Kelly Annual Choker of the Year: Marques Colston
You would think this is a guy you could pencil in for 15 points or so a game. However, there was a stretch where he had two touchdowns overturned on review, dropped two passes in the end zone and fumbled twice going into the end zone. In watching New Orleans, it appears that Drew Brees has lost confidence in Colston somewhat in the clutch, and there are just too many weapons on that Saints team to withstand that. All in all, a horribly disappointing stretch by Colston, pulling a disappearing act just when The Scooters needed him most.
Rocky Bleier Comeback Player of the Year: Kyle Orton
Like most, I thought there was no way that Denver was serious about installing Orton as their starting quarterback after the Cutler trade. But after the top FA names came off the board elsewhere (Chrissy Simms? Really?) and the draft showed no help, it became apparent that this was the guy for the Broncos. He has performed admirably, showing the grit and toughness that Cutler never did. Denver has gone in the tank in recent weeks, but Orton has played through injury and delivered solid numbers. Looking back, I probably should have given up the Cutler experiment and gone with Orton much sooner.
Darrell Jackson Honorary Clutch Player of the Year: None
… and that defines my season better than anything else could.
Mike Tyson Memorial Manic-Depressive Player of the Year: Cutler
No one knows how to balance a 300-yard game with five interceptions like this guy. Also, he likes to scream at receivers for not catching balls that fly nine yards over their heads. Also, there is a joke in here somewhere about diabetes instead of manic depression, but I just don’t have the energy (pun intended).
Honorary John Avery Bust/Bitch of the Year: Steve Smith
It’s not all his fault, obviously. But it is hard to feel sorry for a guy who bitches, whines, moans and punches teammates as much as he does. He’s tough as nails and he blocks his ass off, but I’m starting to wonder if he’s lost a step after all the punishment he’s taken over the last few years. Either way, he was a colossal bust for me as a second-rounder, to the point where I had to trade him in a last-ditch effort for relevancy.
Most Consistent Player, Sponsored By IRS: Stephen Jackson
You have to love this guy. Playing for arguably the worst team in the NFL, he plays every down like his life depends on it. Down four touchdowns, he would try to steamroll three guys for an extra yard rather than dance out of bounds—essentially making him the anti-Ned Ginn. He’s one of those guys who, if you didn’t know the score or the time left, you’d swear every time he runs the ball that it’s the fourth quarter of a tie game. He didn’t score as much as I needed him to and he lacks that fifth gear that so few big backs have, but I could pencil him in for 100 yards every game. Great, great player.
Honorary Ryan Leaf Worst Draft Pick: Roy E. Williams/Lendale White
As an adjunct to my “clutch player” award, this is another great statement on my team, that there were actually two selections that deserved this “honor.” Roy E. is a joke, and well, let’s just say all the talk about how great White would be now that he stopped drinking tequila was a bit overblown. But if your team needs a three-carry, five-yard add-on, he’s your guy.
Classic James McKnight "Holy Shit, You Didn't Even Drop That Pass, It Hit You In The Goddam Neck" Award: Williams
Yeah, it was “in the lights” and that’s why you took a third-down pass off the grill. I get it, Roy.
Dan Marino Annual Best Draft Pick: Hines Ward
Sixth-rounder for a guy who catches like nine passes a week? Sold.
Inaugural Matt Millen Worst Trader Award: Scooter
I very, very rarely trade, but out of sheer desperation I tried two trades this year, and let’s just say the results were predictable. When you trade out of desperation, you end up on the shit end of the stick, so Dustin Keller-for-Ahmad Bradshaw was a disaster. The Moreno and Heap for Smith and Boss deal wasn’t as bad and made sense at the time, but the reality is it didn’t work out, either. Those trades offset a fairly good season as a GM, considering I plucked guys like Jamaal Charles and Mike Bell off the waiver wire during the course of the campaign.
Jim Jensen Unsung Player: Mason Crosby
He was a strong 13th-round pick. He’s a kicker. And he won this award. My team blows.
Eugene Robinson Solicitation’s Lesson Learned Player: Cutler
Every year, I think I can get away with grabbing my QB later than most squads. Well, after a series of good-but-not-great squads, something has to change. I may change my philosophy next year to take a quarterback early … and it’s all thanks to you, Cutler. You bitch.
Brian Urlacher Team MVP: Ward
There were only a couple of weeks where he came up with nada, but he carried my team at times. Unfortunately, he wasn’t a huge scoring threat, but he always came up with lotsa yards and grabs. He just didn’t have much help from the rest of The Scooters.
So there you have it. In the immortal words of NC State fans everywhere, just wait ‘til next year!
In the meantime, go Blind Midget Patrol?
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