Butkus In Training

Watch #36, and watch the coaches' reactions to 6-year-old football. Priceless. Makes me think of Chris Tucker in "Friday" ...

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXVI: Abbreviated T-Bird Day Version

With so much going on and so much to think about, just a quickie here on the holiday …

Much to be thankful for
Another Thanksgiving in store
As State prepares for their gay rival
Thoughts out to Coach Bible
And we couldn’t love Ube more

Last time …

Have a great holiday everyone!

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 3

#1
Note to those trying to push Detroit off the traditional Thanksgiving Day game: for crissakes, can we leave one thing to tradition? Please? Yes, the Lions suck. But there is something cozy and comforting about turning on the TV after eating and knowing that Detroit will be there. You keep f’ing with the draft, you keep tinkering with Monday Night Football, you keep pushing Thursday night games … please. Give Detroit something—haven’t they suffered enough? You know, being Detroit and all?

#2
The sheer mind-numbing number of vampire movies and shows just goes to prove the fact that Hollywood is just plain out of creativity. I don’t know much about all this “New Moon” shit, but doesn’t it seem like someone took “Harry Potter,” added in a dash of “Saved By The Bell,” sprinkled in some “True Blood” and was like, “Holy shit, preteens and unstable adults will love this!” Yawn.

#3
So, Steve Smith could stand with shutting the fuck up every now and again. The dude talks more after a 6-yard catch than anyone in the league. If he would save a little energy instead of launching into a bad Ray Lewis dance impression (is there any other kind) after setting up 3rd-and-4, maybe he’d be able to catch up to some of the long balls. As things stand, he’s becoming a bit of a joke with his tantrums and super-bitter faces—though he is still one helluva player.

#4
On the subject of “hot” comediennes, I always thought Maya Rudolph had a potentially nice body. Too bad she looks like former Boston Celtics guard Dennis Johnson in a wig.

#5
Matt Millen announcing NFL Network games? Really? That makes me speakless. All I can say about his “knowledge” of the game is that his announcing offers up second-by-second proof of why the Detroit Lions are where they are right now. And part of the reason that the announcing realm in general has become so brutal is that guys like Matt Millen are actually given a forum to share their “insights,” which have been proven time and again to be loser talk.


#6
Maybe a side benefit of the global recession is the corresponding realization that customer service can be, in fact, important. I’ve noticed when shopping that there is more of a tendency for service folks to go above and beyond. I was in Best Buy at one point and an eager dude (who kind of reminded me of the waiter from “Office Space” -- 'extreme fajitas!') spent 20 minutes telling us about various features of different laptops, before also sharing that he doesn’t even work on commission. Could the recession be a harbinger of the return of customer service? I doubt it, but it’s worth throwing out there. And hell, maybe it’s just me who has noticed this. *shrug*

#7
Friendly advice for Jay Cutler: Chicago is the blue-collarest of blue-collar towns, and two things they don’t truck are Republicans and bitch-ass quarterbacks. Quit throwing off your back foot and quit having the body language of Eli Manning during “that” time of the month. At this point, you’re making Stephen Hawking look like he has good footwork.

#8
If you like the “X-Files” elements of “Fringe” and you’re into the Mulder-Scully dynamic, check out “Bones” as well. Booth and Brennan have a relationship that closely mirrors the one established by Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, and though the show has more of a lab setting than I would prefer, it’s a keeper. Basically, it’s “X-Files” meets “CSI,” and it’s really well done.

#9
Yo, Les Miles: It’s called a timeout. Use it. Yes, you got screwed by the hometown clock operator, but you have to expect that in the SEC—get your goddam field goal team ready on the sideline before that play! LSU fans may smell like corndogs and they may love their football, but winning a national championship doesn’t buy you more than one “off” season in Death Valley. They have short memories in the bayou—just ask Nick Satan.

#10
Losing 13 players to season-ending injuries, you almost have to chuckle. But then to lose a coach (Dana Bible) to leukemia and a play-by-play man (Gary Hahn) to prostate cancer? It’s become a sick joke for NC State. Somebody better make peace with Jimmy V’s ghost, toot-sweet, because this can’t continue. Happy healing thoughts to Coach Bible and Gary …

The Scooters 2009: If It Wasn’t For Bad Luck …

Gravestone Generator
After yet another brutal loss (made worse that it was to the mother’s-basement-dwelling “Trucker Dumper”) made possible by Jay Cutler disappearing and Knowshon Moreno having a clear touchdown ruled a fumble, The Scooters’ season has mercifully come to a close. This season has been so horrific and unlucky that I’m undertaking the unprecedented act of holding my awards ceremony with still one regular-season game left.

The Annual Clemson Fast Start, Late Implosion Award: Jay Cutler
I said it when I took him in the draft and it turned out to be prophetic, but my season basically hinged on Cutler. If he performed remotely like he did at Denver, he would be a steal (he was my seventh-rounder) and I would have a rock-solid roster top to bottom. Of course, when he started out with several 20+ outings in a row, it looked very promising. Now, he’s an interception machine and playing scared, throwing off his back foot on seemingly every pass. Granted, he’s a one-man show behind a terrible offensive line, but he singlehandedly cost my team about three games, ruining a once-promising campaign.

Jim Kelly Annual Choker of the Year: Marques Colston
You would think this is a guy you could pencil in for 15 points or so a game. However, there was a stretch where he had two touchdowns overturned on review, dropped two passes in the end zone and fumbled twice going into the end zone. In watching New Orleans, it appears that Drew Brees has lost confidence in Colston somewhat in the clutch, and there are just too many weapons on that Saints team to withstand that. All in all, a horribly disappointing stretch by Colston, pulling a disappearing act just when The Scooters needed him most.

Rocky Bleier Comeback Player of the Year: Kyle Orton
Like most, I thought there was no way that Denver was serious about installing Orton as their starting quarterback after the Cutler trade. But after the top FA names came off the board elsewhere (Chrissy Simms? Really?) and the draft showed no help, it became apparent that this was the guy for the Broncos. He has performed admirably, showing the grit and toughness that Cutler never did. Denver has gone in the tank in recent weeks, but Orton has played through injury and delivered solid numbers. Looking back, I probably should have given up the Cutler experiment and gone with Orton much sooner.

Darrell Jackson Honorary Clutch Player of the Year: None
… and that defines my season better than anything else could.


Mike Tyson Memorial Manic-Depressive Player of the Year: Cutler
No one knows how to balance a 300-yard game with five interceptions like this guy. Also, he likes to scream at receivers for not catching balls that fly nine yards over their heads. Also, there is a joke in here somewhere about diabetes instead of manic depression, but I just don’t have the energy (pun intended).

Honorary John Avery Bust/Bitch of the Year: Steve Smith
It’s not all his fault, obviously. But it is hard to feel sorry for a guy who bitches, whines, moans and punches teammates as much as he does. He’s tough as nails and he blocks his ass off, but I’m starting to wonder if he’s lost a step after all the punishment he’s taken over the last few years. Either way, he was a colossal bust for me as a second-rounder, to the point where I had to trade him in a last-ditch effort for relevancy.

Most Consistent Player, Sponsored By IRS: Stephen Jackson
You have to love this guy. Playing for arguably the worst team in the NFL, he plays every down like his life depends on it. Down four touchdowns, he would try to steamroll three guys for an extra yard rather than dance out of bounds—essentially making him the anti-Ned Ginn. He’s one of those guys who, if you didn’t know the score or the time left, you’d swear every time he runs the ball that it’s the fourth quarter of a tie game. He didn’t score as much as I needed him to and he lacks that fifth gear that so few big backs have, but I could pencil him in for 100 yards every game. Great, great player.

Honorary Ryan Leaf Worst Draft Pick: Roy E. Williams/Lendale White
As an adjunct to my “clutch player” award, this is another great statement on my team, that there were actually two selections that deserved this “honor.” Roy E. is a joke, and well, let’s just say all the talk about how great White would be now that he stopped drinking tequila was a bit overblown. But if your team needs a three-carry, five-yard add-on, he’s your guy.


Classic James McKnight "Holy Shit, You Didn't Even Drop That Pass, It Hit You In The Goddam Neck" Award: Williams
Yeah, it was “in the lights” and that’s why you took a third-down pass off the grill. I get it, Roy.

Dan Marino Annual Best Draft Pick: Hines Ward
Sixth-rounder for a guy who catches like nine passes a week? Sold.

Inaugural Matt Millen Worst Trader Award: Scooter
I very, very rarely trade, but out of sheer desperation I tried two trades this year, and let’s just say the results were predictable. When you trade out of desperation, you end up on the shit end of the stick, so Dustin Keller-for-Ahmad Bradshaw was a disaster. The Moreno and Heap for Smith and Boss deal wasn’t as bad and made sense at the time, but the reality is it didn’t work out, either. Those trades offset a fairly good season as a GM, considering I plucked guys like Jamaal Charles and Mike Bell off the waiver wire during the course of the campaign.

Jim Jensen Unsung Player: Mason Crosby
He was a strong 13th-round pick. He’s a kicker. And he won this award. My team blows.

Eugene Robinson Solicitation’s Lesson Learned Player: Cutler
Every year, I think I can get away with grabbing my QB later than most squads. Well, after a series of good-but-not-great squads, something has to change. I may change my philosophy next year to take a quarterback early … and it’s all thanks to you, Cutler. You bitch.

Brian Urlacher Team MVP: Ward
There were only a couple of weeks where he came up with nada, but he carried my team at times. Unfortunately, he wasn’t a huge scoring threat, but he always came up with lotsa yards and grabs. He just didn’t have much help from the rest of The Scooters.

So there you have it. In the immortal words of NC State fans everywhere, just wait ‘til next year!

In the meantime, go Blind Midget Patrol?

To Ube From Cup A Joe, Vol. IV

“A Shore Unseen”

A seashore shaped
By tides unseen
Grains shift
Shells collide
Bubbles grow
Combine
Burst
Make way
That shore
Never the same
From one moment
To the next
In an instant
A new entity
A different landscape
A changed home
They say light
Is like water
And water
Is like love
Do you know
What all of that means
Curled
Inside
You can come out of that shell
To a different seashore
Put your toe in
After all
I’ll always remind you
Water is like love
Is like light
So grab your paddle
And point
To a welcoming shore

Don't Give Up On “Last Chance Harvey” -- It Rewards You With A Heart Of Gold

“I think I'm more comfortable with being disappointed … I think I'm angry at you for trying to take that away.” -- Kate to Harvey

I have to admit that I came to “Last Chance Harvey” with much of the begrudging wariness that I experienced with “Nights in Rodanthe.” After all, any movie set in Europe and cast with the diminutive Dustin Hoffman and the aging Emma Thompson surely doesn’t scream out, “Watch me!” to anyone who also enjoys football or eating dinner after 4 p.m. Yet, I was pleasantly surprised when “Last Chance Harvey” turned to have a charming enough undercurrent to sweep you along all the way ‘til the end.

In the beginning, Dustin Hoffman’s Michael Scott-type character, Harvey Shine, was so awkward and depressing that it was extraordinarily difficult to look at. As a past-his-prime jingle writer who is divorced, Harvey is getting pushed out of his job just as he’s embarking on a trip across the pond to his estranged daughter’s wedding in London. While there, he has to endure a host of slights, not the least of which comes when his daughter informs him that she has decided that her stepfather will give her away instead of him. Partially because of and in addition to this, he learns that he has to leave London directly after the wedding and before the reception to return to New York on business—which he sees as a last-ditch attempt to protect his relevance and his job.

Long story short (yeah, right), Harvey misses his flight after the wedding, then gets fired from the one rewarding thing in his life over the phone, finding himself stuck in Heathrow Airport with nothing to keep him there and seemingly nothing to return to. As he hits the airport bar rather hard, he strikes up an awkward conversation with an airport survey-taker who is on break, Kate Walker (played by Emma Thompson). She’s middle-aged or later, single, and haunted by a guilt-tripping, invasive, intrusive mother, so, like Harvey, she isn’t in the best state of mind. Against all odds, the two strike up a quick kinship, and with nowhere to go and nothing to do, Harvey borderline stalks her as she goes to class and walks home.


With London serving as a tremendous backdrop and minor character, Harvey and Kate share a long, memorable, great day. At one point, Kate tells Harvey that, since he is still in London and his daughter’s reception is still going on, he simply has to attend. Predictably, he agrees only if Kate comes as his date, spurring a shopping-for-a-dress scene that you’ve seen 608 times before. Just as the movie is lagging, however, Hoffman rescues it when he interrupts his daughter’s stepfather during the toast that is supposed to be given by his daughter’s father. Disarming a potentially hyper-awkward situation, Harvey finds the singular great moment he’s been looking for, delivering an emotional and heartfelt toast. When Kate begins to feel out of place during the reception, she attempts to leave, but Harvey notices her escape at the last minute and serenades her back with some jazz piano (he always wanted to be a jazz pianist).

The two are supposed to meet again the next day, but like in “An Affair to Remember,” circumstances intervene (providing a nice segue to a European socialized medicine moment) and Kate is left waiting for Harvey, and we see on her face that she never believed in this working anyway. Both Harvey and Kate have been hurt and damaged in relationships so often that they expect the worst to happen, but Harvey—who spends the movie alternating between confidence, lack of confidence and self-deprecation—refuses to give up on the idea of them. In the end, Harvey is offered his old job back, but he turns it down, electing to stay in London and pursue Kate. He tells his old boss, “It’s my last chance,” and he seems to be convincing himself as he utters the words.

Written and directed by Joel Hopkins, “Last Chance Harvey” turned out to be a tender movie, with some funny, kind-hearted moments mixed in. The flick features some good music that changes to reflect the mood of the current scene, highlighting the underlying message that love can be found in the most unlikely of places and circumstances. In that sense, he reminded me quite a bit of “Girl in the Café,” one of my favorite movies. It goes without saying that the understated Hoffman and the charming Thompson carry the movie, and both were nominated for Golden Globes as a result. Despite an uncomfortable beginning that led one to wonder this would turn out to be among the most depressing hours and a half of your life, “Last Chance Harvey” emerges as worthwhile—making me glad that I gave it a second chance after all.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXVI: Bud Adams Eats Dinner At 3:30 P.M. And Mark Mangino Eats Dinner Six Times A Day, Plus The ACC To NC State: “Um .. Oops?

At Kansas, dieting doesn’t pay
And abusing your players ain’t OK
Mangino’s career filled with sorrow
But he’ll gladly pay you tomorrow
For a hamburger or three today

Cheating is rampant in the ACC
Worst call ever was plain to see
The officiating is both blind and deaf
But no punishment for the ref?
Stick it up Swofford’s ass with that “apology”

Thanks to Belicheat’s epic choke
Knocking off Indy went up in smoke
His ego has taken a beating
He should just stick to cheating
Best coach ever? What a joke

She’s dumber than a box of dirt
But she looks good in a skirt
Now she’s trying to write a book
Luckily, the country she didn’t rook
Thank god it’s only her party she’s hurt

He was the master of the Wildcat
Now he’ll yield to the Wild-Pat
Ronnie Brown, sorry to lose you
Quite a season you were having, ‘tis true
But Ricky’s still a badass -- believe that

A grumpy old man with his own team
He loves the Titans and denture cream
But he flipped off the Bills
Because he didn’t take his pills
Bud Adams won’t miss a quarter-mil, it don’t seem

Last time …

Deep Thoughts, By No-Look McFadden: Episode 2

#1
It’s rather crass and slightly forced at moments (but wouldn’t it have to be?), but “The League” on FX is pretty damn funny. I’ve only seen one episode thus far, but it has definitely nailed the odd variety of characters you will find in dedicated fantasy football leagues. I’m a bit intrigued to learn what direction they take this show, and I’m looking forward to it.

#2
My cinematic viewing tendencies have trended down rather alarmingly over the last year or more, but I couldn’t be more excited about two new ones that are coming out soon, based on two of the better books I’ve read in recent memory: “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy (check out my review here) and “Shutter Island” by Dennis Lehane (pumping it up here). I don’t get pumped up for movies anymore because I’ve been disappointed so often, but I have to admit that these are actually two I may try to see in the theater.

#3
Floyd Mayweather is always going to be perceived as a bitch if he keeps ducking boxers who actually belong in the ring with him in their primes. If he wants a legacy in boxing that doesn’t involve him beating up more women than champions, he’ll fight Manny Pacquiao. But he won’t.

#4
Duke’s Kyle Singler gets goofier with each passing year. With his new bob cut, Singler looks like a cross between “Powder” and Dorothy Hamill.

#5
It gets dusty in the Scoot household every time the Traveler’s commercial with the dog hiding its bone comes on. I don’t know if that makes me overly sentimental or something worse, but there you have it. Great, great commercial.



#6
Is there anything more hypocritical than a guy missing the first quarter and a half of a football game while getting three-beer drunk, chastising his entire section for not cheering for maybe the worst team in the ACC … and then leaving before the end of the game as he gets booed by everyone in that section? Not that I tailgate with know anyone like that or anything.

#7
Really, Bill Belicheat? Fourth-and-two from your own 29-yard line with two minutes left in the game and a lead? I’m starting to think a homeless guy really did dress up as Bill Belicheat for that game … and I’m starting to think that homeless guy was Rich Kotite.

#8
That sound you heard was Howard Cosell rolling over his grave after learning that the Ravens and Browns were on Monday Night Football. I wonder how close ESPN came to pre-empting that game for “E:60: Peter King Spoons Brett Favre.”

#9
Lotsa chirping about Brady Quinn’s cheap shot on Terrell Suggs coming from Ray Lewis and the Ravens. Ray Lewis isn’t someone you want on your bad side, because for most people, saying, “Ray Lewis will kill you” is a euphemism for the fact that he will, like, really hit you hard during a football game. No. Ray Lewis will kill you; like, knife you and shit. Advice for “A Boy Named Brady”: don’t get into any limos in Atlanta. Seriously.

#10
In the Dolphins-Bucs game this past Saturday, Miami’s Lousaka Polite got tackled by Tampa’s Barrett Ruud a coupla times. (Wait for it). It was neat to see the Polite person run over the Ruud guy every now and again.

Drive home safely, folks.

FF Playoff Drive ’09: Where Things Stand

As the playoff drive strikes fantasy football and the number of regular-season games remaining dwindles, it’s time to take a quick look at where my two teams stand:

The Scooters: 4-6 (4-1 in the West Division)
In what has been one of the strangest fantasy football seasons I can remember experiencing, I’m facing an uphill battle in the Wolfpack Fantasy Football League. The obvious downside is my overall record; however, the upside is my stellar performance in division play would conceivably give me tiebreaker advantages in most scenarios. The two guys ahead of me in my division are both 5-5, and with two games left in our regular season, the only option for me is to win out and then hope both of those teams lose at least one more game. This would allow me to sneak into the playoffs as the West Division representative, and while I would be doing so with a team that falls far below my usual standards, the Scooters are showing signs of life down the stretch. And after this happened last year, I’m due for some actual good luck for once in this league, right?

Right?


Blind Midget Patrol: 5-5 (2-1 in the Brooklyn Decker Division)
On the heels of a crushing one-point loss, my gut reaction is to throw in the towel in this league. I lost by a single point last week, because faggot-ass Tom Brady threw an 11-yard square-in to my opponent’s Wes Welker on the last play of the game instead of throwing a Hail Mary like someone would who wasn’t quite to faggot-assity. In fact, I could see all of this unfolding after Belicheat made the unconscionable decision to go for it on 4th-and-2 from his own 29-yard line, basically giving the Colts the game. Knowing that Brady would try to pad his stats rather than risk throwing an interception on a meaningless Hail Mary, I had an eerie feeling that he would dump it down to Welker with no time left on the clock—and that is exactly what happened. Of course, when my guy Michael Turner had 111 yards on nine carries in the second quarter and then was lost for the game with an ankle injury, I should have known it wasn’t to be my day.

In the Beyond the Glory ’09 League, we play a 13-week regular season, so at least there are three contests left to make up some ground. In this 14-team league, there are five teams remaining with a 5-5 record, so I do still have an outside shot. However, I have accepted the fact that last week’s brutal setback will likely end up costing me a playoff spot.

Oh well. That’s fantasy football. Giddyup.

“The Happiest Baby on the Block” Says “Colic, Schmolic”

Apparently, peaceful bliss is yours, as long as you don’t mind putting your newborn in a straitjacket. According to Dr. Harvey Karp and his book “The Happiest Baby on the Block,” the keys to making it through the mysterious “fourth trimester” and helping your kid channel their inner “calming reflex” boils down to the five S’s:

1. Swaddling
2. Side/Stomach Position
3. Shushing
4. Swinging
5. Sucking

Now, I’m certainly not a doctor, I didn’t stay in a Holiday Inn Express and I probably don’t want to don’t know how it works, but it does. Hell, it seems to put infants under some kind of spell or some shit. And Dr. Karp certainly doesn’t need my endorsement since he already has Pierce Brosnan and Madonna throwing love his way, but I can vouch for him. Faced with a 4 a.m. decision between a bottle of Maker’s Mark and a swaddle, I can safely say that I now reach for the swaddle—and in my world, there is no higher praise.

What started out as a rather scary read turned out to be some type of new-Dad gospel.

All hail the Fetus Whisperer.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXV: Thinking Of Our Vets, Plus Ryan Harrow Brings The Truth To Pack Hoops

We all celebrate Veterans Day
None of us really know what to say
We have lumps in our throats and draw blanks
But inside we say a heartfelt thanks
For so many, it’s the ultimate price they pay

Check out “The League” on FX
It’s about some middle-aged wrecks
Their lives revolve around fantasy ball
They talk shit and trades all fall
Same as my league except less boobs and bigger checks

Two weeks went by pretty quick
Now it’s back to the work schtick
Going to miss my lil’ Ube
But I’ve got to do my writing duty
I’ll spend lotsa time watching the clock tick

Grieving soldiers at attention stood
After the tragedy that happened at Fort Hood
A Muslim passed the Army’s psychiatry screen
Then went out and shot and killed 13
Those in charge would change it if they could

Welcome to the Pack, Ryan Harrow
Though he’s as skinny as a scarecrow
He’s got some Hodge-like swagger
And a crossover that’s like a dagger
He bleeds Wolfpack Red deep in his marrow

Last time …

Deep Thoughts, By No-Look McFadden: Episode 1

I recently reconnected with a buddy of mine, with whom I used to exchange hysterical e-mail lists. Well, we've rekindled the form, and I thought I'd use this as a catch-all category for some of the shite that runs through my mind ...

#1
I think the whole Jason Taylor-Redskins thing worked out rather oddly. He left Miami on my shit list, but I think he’s been humbled a bit. The part I feel bad about is basically the Dolphins got Pat White with the second-rounder from Washington and got JT back at a lower price and more motivated. Now, I still say I didn’t like the Pat White pick at the time—using the #44 overall pick on a third-string QB and specialty player was a luxury for a team that is established, not one that is still trying to rebuild in the ‘Fins. That being said, with Pennington getting hurt I am feeling a bit better about the pick. 20-20, eh?

#2
I think “Fringe” is the best show on TV that no one talks about. It is like “X-Files” with a humorous element, surprisingly provided by Pacey (or something), better known as the guy who got the shite kicked out of him at a Hurricanes game. Anyway, I loved Gillian Anderson, but the lead in “Fringe”, Olivia Dunham, is great in that role and hotter than a box of stolen tamales to boot.

#3
I think Tom Brady is the only player in the history of the league who has singlehandedly had two rules changed to benefit him: the “tuck” rule and the “can’t tackle a quarterback below the waist” rule. I still can’t believe how much shite the Patsies still get away with, and yet all the media wants to do is fall asleep in Brady's ass-chin. Fucker.

#4
I think I hate Rex Ryan. And it is actually cool to finally have an opposing coach that I feel so strongly about. What is the over-under on Ryan or Andy Reid dying first from choking on a hot dog on the sideline?

#5
I think the NFL and New York rushed a bit too quickly to try to make Matt Sanchez the Mexican Namath. He’s been Public Enemy #1 ever since he ate Rex Ryan’s hot dog on the bench.

#6
I think Jay Cutler has to be very careful or he is going to turn into Jeff George.

#7
I think I can’t believe how much I miss “Lost” already. Is it wrong to have such an emotional attachment to a TV show?

#8
I think I am the unluckiest fantasy football league player in the history of the world (side note: does every FF player feel that way?). In my 14-team league, I have had three opposing running backs THROW touchdowns against my team this year … also, my league gives bonus points for that. I mean, christ, I almost lost singlehandedly to someone named Mewelde Moore earlier this year. This past week saw Marques Colston drop two touchdown passes in a three-play span, Roy E. Williams open on back-to-back plays in the end zone, only to have Tony Romo misfire and my opponent get a score from Brent Celek even though Donovan McNabb was cleary over the line of scrimmage on a broken play.
I’m not sure why I even try to play FF anymore.

#9
I think I wish I hadn’t missed Jerricho Cotchery returning to Carter-Finley Stadium last Saturday. He’s one of my favorite all-time players … in fact, he is basically my football version of Anthony Grundy.

#10
I think, based on this list, I watch too much NFL football (I have NFL Sunday Ticket on DirecTV these days!).

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXIII: Go To Hell Jets, Plus Other Minor Changes

A fat coach who swills butter by the cup
But the Fins showed the Jets wassup
They thought they had a Mexican Namath
But now he’s the one that they blameth
Your ass got swept, now shut the fuck up

A tip of the cap to the Yanks, I guess
You bought another Series, god bless
At least it was over the Phils
But to me baseball has no thrills
I guess that’s because of my Mets’ mess

The wait for her was long, heaven knows
She has Kristin’s mouth and my nose
Got wise advice of some import
“The nights are long, but the years short”
But oh what a gift has been Lola Rose

Some modest conservative gains
Ousted some Democrats from their reigns
Less of a young voter turnout
Meant a bit of a Republican turnabout
But most see it’s still a party of bitching and pains

It’s one thing to deliver a late hit
It’s another to gouge out an eye from its pit
He’s quite a player after the ball hikes
But there’s no one dirtier than Brandon Spikes
Better watch your back next game, you piece of shit

Last time …

What Do You Know(shon)? The Scooters Make A Big Move For The Stretch Run

With just four regular-season games remaining in my fantasy league, the Scooters stand at 3-5 overall in a division that features three teams with that same record and one team at the top with a 4-4 mark. So, it’s safe to say the division (and the automatic berth into the playoffs for the division winner) is up for grabs, especially since my team boasts a 3-0 mark against my division foes.

However, after my second-straight loss this past weekend, the time was nigh to make a significant move. At halftime of the 4 p.m. games on Sunday, I was up by nearly 50 points; by the end of the 4 p.m. games, I was losing by about 40. Former EZU back Chris Johnson nearly singlehandedly beat me (in both of my leagues; basically, all you have to do is look to see who the high scorer for the week was in fantasy football, and you don’t even need to check the schedule -- you’d better believe they were playing against both of my teams), and Joseph Addai threw a touchdown as well. Yes, threw. In fact, he became the third running back to throw a touchdown against my fantasy football league this year (in a league that awards double the points for such plays) -- I mean, seriously? I’m pretty sure that has to be some kind of record.

The weekend was punctuated by this genius e-mail from the hated Trucker Dumper. The e-mail serves as a fairly good representation of why he’s such a disliked douche within our league:

“Hey Scott ,

Congratulations on becoming a father. I was wanting to know if Kevin Boss was available for Trade?”

Yes, but not with you, rectal wizard. So, with a big opportunity out there, I pulled the trigger on a trade that had been offered by a Panthers fan who has been trying to trade for Steve Smith for two months.

He gets:
Steve Smith, Panthers, WR
Kevin Boss, Giants, TE

I get:
Knowshon Moreno, Broncos, RB
Todd Heap, Ravens, TE

I hate to lose Smith, and I fully realize that it could come back to bite me. But the reality is that he has been an enormous disappointment this year (mostly not his fault) and the time to trade him was after the week he scored his first touchdown. I think Moreno could be a workhorse down the stretch (he’d better stop fumbling, though), and he could bolster my running back corps, along with my wise decision to grab Jamaal Charles a couple of weeks ago (thanks Larry Johnson, you fucking Twitter-sized jackleg). An RB/WR combo of Stephen Jackson, Knowshon Moreno, Jamaal Charles, Marques Colston and Hines Ward (with Roy E. Williams benching it) could be strong enough to steal a few down the stretch and sneak into the playoffs. I’m not thrilled with the trade, but I had to try something and this was the time.

"Chad Henne Is A Bitch"

For the record, I think Chad Henne is going to be a pretty good quarterback for the ‘Fins. And I hate Ohio State with a passion.

But I also hate Michigan. And this shite is just funny.

I Knew It Was A Cool Name For Other Reasons

Not much I can add here. Enjoy.

Almost Anything Is Possible With A Few Chords

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I always told myself that I would give up almost anything to be able to play the guitar really well.

This one doesn’t change my mind.