Ken Jeong Make Very Much Funny Outtake For Round Eye

Because I'm tired of looking at my own post about UNC and State. And because Katherine Heigl is in this clip and it's proof that the funniest part of "Knocked Up" apparently ended up on the cutting room floor.

Enjoy ...

“Team” Of Tin Men Turns NC State Into National Joke

A team that doesn’t like playing together. No reliable perimeter shooter. Mind-boggling lack of ability and experience at the point guard position. A propensity for going one-on-one. Questionable communication skills from an unproven coaching staff. An accumulation of injuries. A hostile environment. A group of referees uninterested in calling an unbiased game.

Throw all those factors together, and what do you get? One of the most humiliating defeats in the history of the UNC-NC State rivalry.

State went to the Nose Dome yesterday, and early on, everything appeared to be playing into the Wolfpack’s hands: an even game five minutes in, Roy Williams’s ego not allowing him to back off the man-to-man defense and go with the zone “D” that every other foe has used to frustrate the Pack, and a tempo that kept the whine-and-cheese crowd in their seats.

What happened next was difficult to fathom for even the most pessimistic NC State fan. Eighteen straight shots missed. A 34-4 run by the home team. After the tenth straight missed layup in a row, I actually stopped watching the game. I have never done that for a Wolfpack basketball game—and I was a student during the Les Robinson years, so that’s saying more than a little something.

Not only did the Pack miss 20 of 23 shots in the paint—read that again; it’s truly unbelievable—but somehow during the course of that inside attack, State was awarded a single free throw in the first half. One. At one point, UNC had eight blocked shots and only four fouls called; I’m not a historian by trade, but I would wager that no team has ever blocked twice as many shots as had fouls called for a full half. That didn’t wind up having much bearing on the final outcome, obviously, but the pure lack of equal officiating (for the record, the Heels shot 15 free throws in the opening half) was brutal, even for Chapel Hill. Of course, now that the 8-20 UNC season is far in the past (Matt Doherty is forever dead to the baby blue “faithful”), the Nose Dome is back to being a Cameron Indoor type of environment for visitors—you have to be 15 points better than the home team to play even, thanks to the referees. But you know that going in; it’s not going to change, so you’d better find another route. Wolfpack coach Sidney Lowe and his players simply aren’t good or smart enough to do so.

While that was a factor in the outcome, it was an admittedly very minor one; it played more into the frustration level than anything else. Instead, State is just a bad team that didn’t make the Tar Heels earn anything along the way.

So what has happened since the Pack’s amazing run to the ACC Tournament finals made them a popular preseason pick to finish third in the conference this year? Theories abound. The season-ending knee injury to rapidly progressing point guard Farnold Degand certainly didn’t help. The lack of a leader following the departure of Engin Atsur has played a role. The stunning lack of an ability to score outside of 10 feet has been staggering, with Atsur’s graduation also leaving a gaping hole from the perimeter. Opposing coaches have found a way to combat Lowe’s scheme, which relies primarily on exploiting individual mismatches; double-teaming on the interior with zones has forced State to slow the game down and force perimeter shots that simply won’t fall. The staff has been unable to find a way to help the returning players mesh with the newcomers, led by ACC Rookie of the Year candidate J.J. Hickson. The Pack has too many players interested only on the offensive end, leading to on-court pouting and disinterest when they don't get enough shots (this means you, Brandon Costner). The Wolfpack is allergic to iron on defense, refusing to attempt to rebound, while more than happy to clang anything and everything off the iron offensively. Injuries have cost State both Degand and promising rookie swingman Johnny Thomas for the season, while also sidelining guard Courtney Fells and reserve forward Dennis Horner for stretches of time. Lowe is trying to force-feed a confusing system to mismatched personnel, too stubborn to recognize or alter that strategy to maximize what he has to work with. Other issues abound, but that’s probably enough to cover things for now.

So where does State go from here? Well, a trip to Clemson to face the league’s third-best team means the Pack will have faced the No. 1 team in the land and the team that gave away a win over that team in overtime in their first two games of conference play. Not an ideal way to start the ACC season, but it is what it is. The reality now is that the Pack couldn’t beat UNC if it were playing in Sidney Lowe’s backyard with Chris Corchiani, David Thompson and Rodney Monroe officiating right now. But easily the worst part of the Wolfpack’s inability to compete right now is a complete lack of heart and effort. Any true NC State fan will tell you that losing is an accepted part of deciding to join Wolfpack Nation; is in fact, part of the signing agreement. But they will also tell you that embarrassing the school and the proud tradition of the program is simply unacceptable. That’s a big part of the reason why Lowe has gone from genius to the hot seat so quickly. Losing to UNC severely jeopardizes your job security in Raleigh; getting embarrassed by them in any sport will get you a visit from the athletics director and virtually ensures your bus ticket out of town (just ask Mike O’Cain and Chuck Amato).

Yet, in an effort to maintain fairness, it’s important to remember that Lowe is in his second season as a college coach, relying primarily on players recruited to a drastically different system by former coach Herb Sendek. Lowe is not as good a coach as last year’s stellar finish indicated; after all, the Wolfpack finished 5-11 in the ACC last year. However, he’s certainly not as clueless a coach as this year’s rocky start would lead you to believe, either; this is a guy roundly considered a solid, creative basketball mind by his peers.

What would I do? I would start Simon Harris, a walk-on transfer from Elon who has shown more passion in extremely limited time than Costner has shown all year. Put Gavin Grant at point guard whether he likes it or not, alongside Courtney Fells at shooting guard, provided Fells promises me he’ll shoot more than 10 times per game. Keep Hickson in the middle, but start Ben McCauley at power forward and run the half-court offense through him. Place Harris at the “three,” with instructions to fill an enforcer role and get as many fouls as he feels like in as short amount of time as suits his fancy; at the very least he’ll get his share of rebounds and hopefully do just enough elsewhere to bring some intensity to his teammates. Make Costner the sixth man if he proves he’s willing to play hard; or else put him behind Dennis Horner and even Tracy Smith in the forward rotation. Give Marques Johnson occasional minutes as a ball-handler, and play Javy “Don’t Call Me Elian” Gonzalez as little as is humanly possible. If foul trouble arises and Gonzalez is the only logical choice off the bench, pull a Gene Hackman in “Hoosiers” and say, “My team is on the floor”; playing with four is preferable to bringing in a human turnover machine who is so nervous that he’s one more miscue away from wetting his pants in the middle of a game.

In basketball, a turnaround can happen as quickly as you land a great player. But will Lowe get the time to prove that his surprisingly effective recruiting ability will eventually pay dividends? Or will a string of uninspired performances punctuated by head-scratching non-showings against conference teams and rivals send him back to the NBA as an assistant with his tail between his legs? The jury is out on Lowe’s coaching ability, but it’s now officially fair to bring his longevity at NC State into question. After Amato was exposed as a fraud, the red shoes and flashy sunglasses eventually went from marketing gimmick to a running joke, part of the getup that turned him from a dynamic coach into a snake-oil salesman. Lowe runs the risk of having his trademark red coat be considered the same—while having that hot seat he now finds himself uncomfortably perched on turn as red as that same coat.

Limerick Friday LXVIII: Time For The Democrats To Climb That Mountain

Bill Richardson has decided to step aside
Joins Christopher Dodd, swept away by the tide
We’re left with Hillary, Edwards and Barack
Obviously, none of the three is a nomination lock
Either stand up for something or drop out and hide

A depleted Wolfpack makes the trek to Chapel Hill
Losing at the Nose Dome is a hard-to-swallow pill
Four on eight is a pretty tough way to play
Will be tough to stay close, I have to say
Even if the Pack triple-teams Psycho T’s will

Britney wheeled away because she got too high
Funny or sad, don’t know whether to laugh or cry
They’re saying now that maybe she’s bipolar
As a way to explain her life’s coaster-roller
This isn’t what we meant when we hoped she was bi

Another title for the resilient Tigers of LSU
Cries of joy and celebration all across the bayou
Ohio State was exposed as a fraud once again
Representing the running joke that is the Big 10
Hope next year BCS voters have a better clue

The first person to stand on Mount Everest’s top
At 88, your climb to the heights reached a stop
RIP to Sir Edmund Hillary, who saw all the sights
When you’ve already reached such heights
Maybe heaven can’t be much more than a hop

Last time ...

An Open Plea For New Shoes At ACL University At Raleigh

Dear Athletics Director Lee Fowler,

Nine NC State football players had knee surgery last season, and many more suffered other leg injuries during the course of the campaign. Four more Wolfpack basketball players are currently sidelined, including two who have season-ending knee injuries, and the season isn’t even three months old. Is it any wonder that State is now referred to as ACL University at Raleigh?

Perhaps adidas is at fault. Maybe there are Nike cleats that are the culprits. Perchance even Chuck Amato and Herb Sendek got together to put a curse on the Pack, mixing vino and hair polish on a bed of linguini in a daytight compartment. No matter who is at fault, it is time for serious changes in footwear at NC State.

Converse? Reebok? New Balance? Keds? Zips? Pony’s? Walter Payton Kangaroos? Stephon Marbury’s $4 sneakers? Frickin’ Vans? I don’t care. Pick one. Just trying something different. Because in football, it’s hard to win when half your starters are in the tub instead of on the field, and in basketball, it’s difficult to even compete when four of your top nine players, including two starters, are in street clothes at the end of the bench, looking for Jessica Simpson in the crowd.

So please … find a new shoe company. Or else we’ll just keep issuing crutches at the same time we issue uniforms.

Signed,
Knee Ligaments All Over Raleigh

I Guess Bum Phillips Wasn’t Available?

In an effort to reach out to the common man, Bill Parcells and the Miami Dolphins are apparently poised to hire a homeless man, Bill Muir, who I’m assuming lives in a dumpster behind the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ practice facility. Perhaps George Costanza's elementary school gym teacher, Mr. Heyman, was too busy giving wedgies with "Tropic of Cancer" under his arm?

Here’s a rare glimpse into the NFL’s interview process:

Parcells: Bill! How you doing, man? Been a long time!

Muir: mumblemumbleLindsayLohanmumblemumble …

Parcells: Hey, you’re over there in Tampa, right? Interesting in moving down here to Miami to coach?

Muir: grumblegrumbleThunderbirdgrumblegrumbleWildIrishRosegrumblegrumblegrumble …

Parcells: You’ll join our staff for a coupla bottles of Thunderbird and WildIrishRose?

Muir: mumblemumblelargecurd!

Parcells: And a thing of large-curd cottage cheese. Check.

Muir: Jefferson Starship on a farted wheat thin!

Parcells: Exactly. So we’ll see you at team headquarters on Monday?

Muir: Reporting for duty, Sister Hashbrownpants!

Parcells: OK, um, great. Have a good weekend?

Muir: Mashed potatoes!

When Gigantism And Dwarfism Collide ...

I worked for a blind midget once ... the experience was only slightly different than what follows.

Don’t Geaux Away Mad, Luckeyes … Just Geaux Away

Don’t say Ohio State didn’t try. In fact, they tried everything.

They changed their locker room passcode to 4114, they played the “disrespect card” even though they were ranked No. 1 in the country, they challenged the assertion that the Big 10 is overrated, they mysteriously reinstated a suspended starting cornerback, they packed the Superdome with scarlet and gray, they featured an overly demonstrative Jim Tressel on the sidelines, they tried to disrupt LSU with false coaching rumors, they picked up five personal fouls, they talked trash all game long, they came out for the second half dancing and playing to the crowd down 14 points, they badmouthed the city of New Orleans, and they trotted out DVDs with all the meanie things anyone has ever said about the Buckeyes.

And then they got bitched.

Again.

Here are some of my observations from LSU’s not-that-close 38-24 romp over Ohio State in the national championship game (it was pretty Big Easy):

• LSU was 11 for 18 on third downs, and you can throw out a couple near the end when they were just running out the clock. That means that when the Tigers lined up on third-and-short and everyone within 500 miles knew what was coming, they still got it. They imposed their will on Ohio State and when they needed something, they flat-out took it.

• Good to see Ted Ginn Jr. on the sideline hanging out on the sideline and wishing he was back skipping classes with his homeys. I guess there’s nothing better for you to be doing right now than wearing a White Sox hat and clowning around with a gang of losers? Like, I don’t know, lift a weight maybe? Rehab an injury that’s going to happen in the future? Maybe even work on catching passes?

• The Buckeyes jumped out to a 10-0 lead, but LSU never panicked. Why? Because they’ve been in that situation time and time again this season, and knew that the false start was a result of nerves and getting caught sleeping on a few new-look plays from Ohio State. When the teams began to line up and just go mano-a-mano, it was clear that the Tigers easily outclassed the Buckeyes.

• The biggest difference? LSU plays a game against a high-caliber opponent like Ohio State every single week. The Buckeyes don’t play a single game against anyone as good as the Tigers all year long. There are probably five teams in the SEC that are better than Ohio State, and no one else in the Big 10 nearly on par with Ohio State, much less the Tigers.

• Ohio State is 0-9 against the SEC in bowl games. There’s almost nothing more that needs to be said.

• The Big 10 finished 3-5 in bowl games this year, with wins by an average of 5.3 points—and losses by an average of nearly two touchdowns. On the flip side, the SEC was a resounding 7-2 in bowls.

• Matt Flynn needs more pub as being one of the very best quarterbacks in the nation. All he did was throw for 2,407 yards, 21 touchdowns and 11 picks and rush for four more scores, then toss four touchdowns in the championship game. He has made huge throws in huge situations all year long, and here’s hoping he gets a shot at an NFL club this April.

• All I heard all week long was how massive the Ohio State offensive line was, bookended by a pair of All-Big 10 tackles. Yet all I saw all game long was hold after hold against the LSU defensive ends, nearly all of which went uncalled. It was easy to see that they were intent on stopping Dorsey, yet he still held up double times along the line of scrimmage and allowed his defensive line mates to make plays. Of course, he still came through with a big sack, forced fumble and several stops at the line.

• The LSU secondary helped control the game, and that was after All-American safety Craig Steltz was knocked out with an arm injury. People downplay the better speed and athletic ability in the SEC over the Big 10, but the Buckeyes were rarely able to get open man-to-man.

• The Fox broadcast was horrible. To ignorance of certain officiating calls to missing plays due to showing highlights from 30 years ago to sheer erroneous facts to a horrible panel of Chris Rose, Eddie George, Urban Meyer and Jimmy Johnson, this was bad from the start and only got worse. Fortunately, they made up for it by not showing many commercials. Er …

On a side note, hopefully the predicted beatdown last night will break down the false bravado and undeserved stature of the Big 10. Perhaps “the Vest” will think twice the next time he schedules Central Eastern Idaho Tech of the Blind. Maybe voters will finally see that the Big 10 is a one-team conference with a couple of above-average teams year in and year out. And perchance the mystique that is assigned to the Big 10 based on traditional football played 30 years ago will finally dissolve and actually have to be earned on the field.

The bottom line was that LSU was destined to win it all this year. The remarkable number of things that had to happen to allow the Tigers to make it to the title game after a pair of triple-overtime losses, getting to play in New Orleans, having to deal with the fabricated innuendo of Les Miles leaving, winning the SEC championship matchup without their starting quarterback, best special-teamer and with three of their best defenders hobbled … through it all, as one sign said, LSU was the best team by “Miles.”

Both LSU and Ohio State backed into a shot at the BCS national championship. But only one truly deserved to be there.

Game. Freaking. Day.

BUCK THE FUCKEYES!

"Cloverfield" Pub Takes New Route

Quite a viral marketing campaign was unveiled with "Cloverfield," a new horror flick from J.J. Abrams. The campaign involves using widgets embedded in the trailer, then having people pass on the trailer to others in as many ways as possible.

As for the movie itself, it looks somewhat like "Blair Witch Project" meets "King Kong" meets "The Mist." Only time will tell how much momentum the campaign generates and whether the film is any good anyway.

Limerick Friday LXVII: It’s Not Officially A New Year Until …

Happy New Year to one and all at this date
Looking forward to a peaceful, happy 2008
Full of happy times and trips to amazing places
Of plenty of welcome changes and familiar faces
A resolution for us all should be to decrease the hate

Britney incoherent thanks to alcohol and drugs
Put her in a rubber room until she loses her buzz
Crazier than a shithouse rat
Trashy and stupid on top of that
A day without a Spears breakdown is a day that never was

One year and one win for the Cam
Gets you riding out of town on a tram
Could say that you got a raw deal
With injuries and a bad twist of fate’s wheel
Good guy, but you can’t coach worth a damn

The Iowa caucus provided some interesting results
Obama in first, and Mike Huckabee leads the dolts
The Republicans putting their faith in another hypocrite
His commercials feature a Huckabee-Chuck Norris skit
But third place for Hillary shows her campaign needs some jolts

More upstanding discipline from those fraudulent Buckeyes
Two players suspended prior to the game for the prize
One a starter and one a backup with drugs in his locker
But the starter was reinstated -- what a shocker!
Another example of OSU skirting the rules with lies

Last time ...

Tuna-Led Attack On Camelot Ends Short-Lived Regime Of Failure

After leaving Cam Cameron dangling for a couple of days, new Dolphins chief Bill Parcells and his self-appointed general manager Jeff Ireland —- henceforth to be known as Mini Tuna -— dropped the hammer on the hapless and unfortunately named Cameron today (in the interest of fairness, the Miami Herald refers to the new regime as the "Dallas Mafia" in a well-done column arguing that Cameron deserved more time). Apparently, a “final-hour plea from Bob Knight,” who coached Cameron at Indiana, wasn’t enough to save Cam’s bacon … but then again, isn’t turning to Bob Knight as a character reference a little like putting Billy Joel on the on the stand as a witness in your reckless driving case?

Of course, now attention turns to the usual random guesses by so-called experts in terms of just who will be tabbed to take over the ‘Fins. As we discussed earlier, the leader in the clubhouse would appear to be Dallas offensive assistant Tony Sparano, with Arizona assistants Todd Haley and Maurice Carthon among a second tier of possibilities. Yet somehow, someway, leaps are being made to include such names as Virginia coach Al Groh and former Minnesota Vikings head man Mike Tice in the running. Apparently, if you were ever in the same Whataburger as Parcells while he demolished an “Ol’ 96er,” you’re a candidate now.*



But Groh? Tice? Really? Firing Rick Mueller for Ireland so he can bring in one of those clowns would be akin to shit-canning Al Davis to hire Matt Millen so he could fire Norv Turner in favor of Rich Kotite.

The bottom line is that this firing was more predictable than an out-of-wedlock Spears family pregnancy and more obvious than finding out that Clay Aiken drives a Volvo.

*I’m full of by-god similes and metaphors today. Look out.
** EDITOR'S NOTE: If you're looking for a more well-articulated discussion of the uncertainty surrounding Cam Cameron's dismissal, click here for some thought-provoking comments from Klinger's grandson, who is apparently a smooth-talking, well-informed NFL analyst. I had embedded some ESPN video interview with Chris Mortensen discussing the move, but since it is "currently unavailable," I found this gem and thought I would share it. Giddyup.

Don't Procrastinate In '08

Happy By-God New Year.

Dolphins-Safe (With) Tuna?

Under owner Wayne Huizenga, the Miami Dolphins have always been enamored with the big names, the headline-stealing moves. From Jimmy Johnson to Nick Satan, Huizenga has consistently brought in the movers and shakers who were, at the time, roundly considered to be the best fits for the franchise. This approach has failed time and time again, yet Huizenga couldn’t resist giving this tried-and-blew approach one more chance when he tabbed Bill “Big Tuna” Parcells as executive vice president of football operations.

The first question to ask is, just how far does Parcells’ power extend? What exactly does the executive vice present of football operations do? Parcells was pretty evasive when asked about his full duties at his introductory press conference, referring to himself as the “owner’s designee.” I’m not ashamed to say that I’m not fully aware of the term “designee,” so I looked it up. The definition? “A person who has been designated.” Thanks, FreeDictionary.com, that makes sense and certainly clears things up. So Parcells is someone who has been “designated, appointed, nominated or delegated” by one of his golfing buddies and neighbors in South Florida. Check.

So I thought I’d delve a little deeper into some of the quotes doled out by Parcells during his intro presser to examine just how I think his addition will affect the ‘Fins:*

“This is a talent acquisition business.”

I don’t think you could describe the National Football League any better in six words or less. Talent. Acquisition. Business. That phrase only begins to tell the story of why Miami is in the situation it is in right now. From Johnson to Dave Wannstedt to Satan to Cam Cameron, the Dolphins have unfailingly made the wrong moves, the bad trades, the unwise selections, the uncalculated risks.

One of Parcells’s first moves was to can general manager Randy Mueller, and he did it quickly and decisively—without telling coach Cam Cameron. Read into that what you will, but there is a significant part of me that feels that Mueller got a raw deal here. He was handcuffed by Satan, and he began to make the moves that Satan was too egotistical and wary of his own record to make, the gutting of the roster that has been needed for five-plus years now. Mueller stayed on board when Cameron was hired, then traded Wes Welker, traded Chris Chambers, let Kevin Carter and other veterans walk. He was beginning the dirty work of remaking an entire depth chart, and because of his recognition of that need and his willingness to fulfill it, he was fired in the early stages of doing so? That’s not really fair, but the NFL is the Not Fair League, and when a guy has one win to point out for an entire season, there’s not much of a defense you can muster up for him. Plus, the selection of wide receiver Ted Ginn Jr. with the ninth overall pick and the decision to bring in linebacker Joey Porter at a huge contract number are questionable at best, further putting Mueller in the crosshairs.

“I’ve quit being ashamed of what I am … I’m a guy who loves football very much. I can’t get the game out of my system.”

This is a revealing quote for a guy roundly considered to be a mercenary around the league. He jokingly referred to his hopscotch trail from job to job and ultimate decision to join the Dolphins as “male menopause,” but this quote could be an indication that he’ll be around for the full four years of his contract. Also, it could be construed as a revelation that he is willing to sublimate his ego somewhat, which is something that Johnson and Satan simply refused to do, ultimately resulting in their respective downfalls. On the other hand, Parcells says he feels pressure to turn around the franchise; as a fan, that’s what you want and need to hear.

“We must cut down our margin of error in the draft.”

Um ... wow. That’s like manna from heaven, especially when you read a sentence like “no player drafted between 1998 and 2003 is with the team.” Read that again if you need to; it says everything that needs to be known about the state of the Miami Dolphins in the first days of 2008. I maintain that it’s one of the most shocking and revealing statistics that I’ve ever seen. You are talking about seven drafts in a seven-year period that yielded not only no starters less than 10 years later, but no depth, no contributors, basically no players who should be in their primes right now.

“Obviously, there’s some things to be done. But I, quite frankly, have been in this position before.”

The Patriots were 2-14 when Parcells took over in New England; they won the AFC championship four years later. The Jets were 1-15 when assumed the reins; they came within a game of the Super Bowl in his second season. Suffice it to say that the Tuna has swum (swam? swimmed? swarmed? swallowed? swamped? swashbuckled?) in these waters before.

Huizenga wanted someone who would make the hard decisions for him in terms of who can stay and who needs to go. To the owner’s credit, he saw the enormous mistake he made in giving full personnel control and decision-making to Dave “The ‘Stache” Wannstedt, because Huizenga liked him on a personal level and without a true general manager in place, it fell to Huizenga to have to shitcan him – a year too late, honestly. Parcells is a calculating personality who has his own “guys,” but if the past is any indication, he won’t let emotional ties or beliefs affect his ultimate decisions on hirings and firings.

Mueller found that out the hard way, and Cameron ("Wham, bam, thank you, Cam") is likely to at some point this week. Parcells gave Cameron an opportunity to basically re-interview for his job on New Year’s Day, and Tuna is said to still be undecided, but the fact that coaching names like Tom Coughlin, Romeo Crennel, Maurice Carthon and Todd Haley are being linked to the Dolphins isn’t a coincidence. Parcells will want to bring in his own guy, and if he doesn’t land him, he may yet give Cameron another season, though I’d put those chances at about 15-85 against Cam-alot. The hottest name is Tony Sparano (What the hell? Will he bring in Big Pussy as defensive coordinator? Chrissy Moltisante as offensive quality control assistant? You can’t make this shite up), a 46-year-old assistant head coach, running game coordinator and offensive line coach for the Dallas Cowboys. Sparano is also interviewing for the Atlanta Falcons’ vacancy, making it a ticklish timeframe for Parcells. The Tuna would most like to hire scouting chief Jeff Ireland from the Cowboys as general manager, then let Ireland fire Cameron and go after Sparano, but can all that be accomplished within the league’s mandated timeframe, since Dallas is in the playoffs? We shall see.

The future of defensive coordinator Dom Capers will be another interesting factor; he will either be forced to implement more of his 3-4 principles or be told to take a hike. He said that injuries forced him to dramatically scale down his defensive attack and approach in 2007, and he has a point, but that excuse won’t fly with Parcells manning the decisions desk. Capers’s mishandling of Porter and inability to stop the run certainly makes retaining him iffy at best, especially if a new coach is brought in.

“I'm interested in good character people. I don't want thugs and hoodlums on the team. I don't want bad character guys. I don't want problem children. I'm more willing to let someone try to address those things with other people. I want to get a good base, good character people that are dependable, reliable employees that come to work with the idea of trying to win football games for the Miami Dolphins.”

I’m as big and understanding a Ricky Williams fan as you’ll find, but this doesn’t bode well for No. 34. Or Keith Traylor and the 15 other veterans who bitched, moaned and hurt team chemistry throughout this season. Cameron did a good job of ridding the roster of many of the problem children, and you can bet Parcells will find the rest and get them on the next plane to Cincinnati.

“I remember taking over another team, first went in there and looked at the medical reports and the dossier was literally almost four or five inches high of just medical reports.I took that into the team meeting with me when I met with the team at first and said ‘Now, there’s something wrong here. Either the athletes aren’t good enough to keep from getting hurt, or we’re not in good enough condition to avoid that. But whatever it is, this dossier is going to be about 10 percent of what it is now next year.’ I don’t know what the reasons for everything is, but I know that has to be changed.”

How do you evaluate a roster that includes so many who never got a chance to play or perform? That will be a huge task for Parcells. Sixteen Dolphins players ended the season on injured reserve, including five (count ‘em) safeties. Bad luck? As the author of the famous quote “You are what your record says you are,” Parcells doesn’t much believe in luck. He’ll dig deeper to find out just why in the hell players drop like flies in Miami. Whether that involves a change in practice routine or number of repetitions or types of drills, a healthier, stronger squad will be a welcome change for the Dolphins. And hopefully, when he’s done, Parcells will make a stop in Raleigh to find out why NC State has suddenly turned into ACL University.

“If you make a pick at that spot and you’re wrong, it’s economically a very bad thing for quite a while … We won't be influenced by sentiment or mock drafts or some of these cottage industry gurus that collect information from everywhere but the practice field. No disrespect intended."

Hopefully, this means that the days of Yatil Green, John Avery, Jamar Fletcher, Jason Allen, etc., are over. The Dolphins are the poster children for poor drafting over the past decade, and Parcells aims to scale down on the number of guys scouted and assessed, fit prospects more into what their position asks of them and what their positions asks of them within the Miami Dolphins scheme. If it sounds like the Patriots blueprint, it’s because it is; Bill Belicheat was a disciple of Parcells long ago.

The goal is to acquire talent, install a structure that will enhance that talent, and incorporate a coaching staff that will maximize that talent. Ignoring the following three keys—as identified by Parcells—can set your franchise back for years, literally:

1) Character and mental makeup
2) Whether he fits Parcells’s expectations for the position he plays
3) Skill level

Sticking to those maxims has helped make Parcells renowned for his ability to spot and cultivate talent. There are plenty of examples, but the most recent one is Cowboys wide receiver Patrick Crayton. There had been talk of Parcells tabbing soon-to-be free agent Crayton to join the ‘Fins in Miami. That talk ended when Crayton inked a four-year, $14-million deal with the Cowboys to stay in Dallas, but that also gives optimism to Miami fans when you consider that Parcells selected Crayton in the seventh round out of a directional geographical oddity school, Northwestern Oklahoma State.

I’ll look closer at April’s draft and Miami’s No. 1 overall pick as it looms closer, but bringing in Parcells aboard ensures that the ‘Fins will pretend to fall in love with Arkansas’s Darren McFadden (he’s already used to playing for pay for the Razorbacks), then dangle the top spot to whoever else covets the running back as well, hoping for a trade back a few spots and grabbing a few more picks. If Miami stays at No. 1, LSU defensive tackle Glenn Dorsey is the most likely candidate for the Dolphins; if Parcells can pull off a deal, Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long and Virginia defensive end Chris Long will be high on the wish list. Following on the (sprained) heels of the Ginn selection, anything besides a special-teams gunner or long-snapper would be kosher with me.

DEVIL’S ADVOCATE SECTION

If you’re a Miami fan who prefers to feel that everything is puffy clouds and dandelions in Dolphinsland now that Parcells has arrived, you may want to skip this section. If you’re a sad realist (a.k.a., a Dolfan), much of the following will be expected and anticipated:

Parcells is, like, really old. Some media outlets described Parcells as mumbling at times and noted that he had trouble hearing certain questions, asking that they be repeated. Does he have the stamina to turn around a rock-bottom franchise at age 66? Fill in your own old-man joke here.

Expectations can be dangerous. The Miami Herald’s Armando Salguero wrote, “Big talk rings hollow in these parts. Super Bowl promises are as worthless are promises never to become the coach at Alabama. In recent times, the hard sell has only set the Dolphins on a course for a hard fall.” Parcells can coach circles around pretenders like Johnson and Satan; can he excel as personnel chief and supreme decision-maker?

“Desperado” shouldn’t be your team’s theme song. You could consider Parcells a desperate, last-gasp attempt at relevance by an owner desperate for success, and you would have a valid point there as well. How about this dose of reality from David Hyde of the Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel:

“Either way, here we go again, and you can conjure up Parcells into whatever you want to make him today. You can call him a two-time Super Bowl champion who has coached winners at every stop in his career. That's true.

“You also can say he's also a 66-year-old retiree who hasn't won a playoff game in a decade, who says he's too old to coach anymore and has never before worked in the capacity for which he was hired. Because that's true, too.”

Points taken. But at the very least, Parcells equals hope for the future, and that’s something that has been missing in Miami for years and years. It’ like the sheer weight of the genius of Don Shula and Dan Marino held down the successful end of the seesaw for so long that once that weight was gone, everything slid down to the bottom of the seesaw, into the pee-soaked sand littered with grumpies left by an army of tired and soiled toddlers. Or something.

So now it falls to Parcells as the latest in a long line of those who think they can pull that goddam sword out of that stubborn freaking rock.

“He’s a guy who fixes problems,” said defensive lineman Vonnie Hollliday, “and we have a big problem here.”

“We’re all waiting to see,” added Porter, “we’ll wait for him to work his magic.”

Magic or not, problem fixer or adder, talent spotter or bust finder, old or young, with the Tuna now on the hook, at least now there is something worth waiting to see in Miami.

* Just a warning: This is really fucking long.

Scooter & Hum’s Best Movies Of 2007!

As we bid adieu to 2007, it’s time to recognize my top five movies of 2007. We’ve already covered the finest books and the best albums in earlier incarnations of “The Scooties,” and now it’s time to rank the most worthy films of the year. I found it harder to delineate these movies in terms of when they were actually released, so I confined my choices to the pictures that I actually saw in the theater at some point during the year.*

And “The Scootie” goes to …

1. "Once"
Link to Scooter & Hum’s Review (July 30)
What I Said Then: “If you’re good with thoughtless, spoon-fed entertainment this summer, you’ll be sure to find a dozen movies that will fill that void for the requisite two hours and 15 minutes. But if you have 85 minutes to spare and a yearning for something moving and original, put “Once” on your list … without even realizing it, your laughing, crying and humming will chase you out of the theater and stick with you for hours.”
What Worked: A complete redefinition of the term “musical.”
What Didn’t: At times, the lack of acting experience—after all, these were musicians acting for the first time—was recognizable.
Why It Ranks Here: It may not technically be the finest film of the bunch, but the fact that it was brave enough to challenge the conventions of an entire genre, and the fact that it came out of nowhere to stun me into an inability to move, land it atop my list.
Trailer:




2. "Children of Men"
Link to Scooter & Hum’s Review (July 20)
What I Said Then: “The picture’s last half an hour is heart-pounding, moving and emotional, and the final 15 border on absolute brilliance. Cuaron succeeds in blurring the lines between today’s transgressions and tomorrow’s bills come due — breathing a landmark film into life in the process.”
What Worked: Re-envisioning an entire society and reinventing an entirely new moral subset was incredibly handled by Cuaron.
What Didn’t: The dark, stark, bleak portrayal could potentially wear on your average movie-goer.
Why It Ranks Here: Because of, basically, a coin flip. Just a stunning picture that didn’t catch me quite as off guard as the No. 1 choice, “Once,” simply because I was somewhat aware of the tale through P.D. James’s groundbreaking book of the same name.
Trailer:




3. "Last King of Scotland"
Link to Scooter & Hum’s Review (May 3)
What I Said Then: “Whitaker’s flawless performance does more than enough to cover up some of the minor flaws inherent in “The Last King of Scotland,” making it easy to understand why it has been lauded as one of the most memorable pictures in recent memory and one of the finest historical portrayals of all-time.”
What Worked: Forest. Freaking. Whitaker.
What Didn’t: Some of the violence seemed a tad gratuitous and one left feeling that part of the entire story hadn’t been told.
Why It Ranks Here: Bad luck, honestly. In any other year, I could have put this movie at No. 1 without a second’s thought. Whitaker’s unbelievable performance wasn’t enough to overcome two films that were more complete and edgy.
Trailer:




4. "Reign Over Me"
Link to Scooter & Hum’s Review (April 2)
What I Said Then: “Whether the Oscar juggernaut is brave enough to recognize Sandler, Cheadle, Binder and “Reign Over Me” and match the courage it took to make this film remains to be seen, so you may have to judge for yourself whether this is a landmark movie or just another take on a tragedy. The truth may lie somewhere closer to the middle, but this is among the more poignant and well-crafted films I have seen of late.”
What Worked: Cheadle is one of the finest actors of his generation, and his presence works well with Sandler’s bravest foray into serious, mature acting.
What Didn’t: Sandler’s character occasionally lapsed into some of his comedic caricatures, making it hard at times to separate the Sandler we know from the one he’s trying to become in this film.
Why It Ranks Here: Again, it had the misfortune of going up against three really, really strong films. But I maintain that this was one of the more underrated and overlooked pictures of the year.
Trailer:




5. "Hurricane On The Bayou"
Link to Scooter & Hum’s Review (January 29)
What I Said Then: “The final version is a moving, visually stunning, educational, thought-provoking, involved, musically sweeping film that touches on one of the many aspects of the hurricane that have gone underreported, or in many cases, even unreported. Environmental destruction can now join the long list of documented failures that led to the hurricane and have stymied recovery efforts as well.”
What Worked: The IMAX format fit perfectly with the subject matter, and like “An Inconvenient Truth” and any Michael Moore film, it educated as it entertained.
What Didn’t: It got limited run and very little marketing, so it just didn’t get out there enough.
Why It Ranks Here: Because it’s a niche picture that doesn’t really fit in any specific genre in a relatively strong year for movies. But it certainly deserved some presence on this list.
Trailer:



Honorable mention: “Idiocracy” was good, but limited; “Thank You For Smoking” left you thinking that there was an opportunity missed, a chance not taken on a directorial level.

* To be perfectly honest and in the spirit of complete candidness, the top three are nearly interchangeable for me. They're all stunning in their own way, and the ranking of the trio would probably be different if you asked me on different days.

Horseshoes, Hand Grenades, Fantasy Football ...

All told, I raked in $400+ from finishing runner-up in the Wolfpack Fantasy Football League this year, so I can’t be too upset. But after boasting the league’s top record, earning a first-round bye and losing the two-week championship match by just seven goddam points (221-214), forgive me if I’m a little torqued off.

Of course, my opponent became the first back-to-back winner of our 14-team, 11-year-old league, making a miraculous run down the stretch. When you’re seeing guys named Aaron Stecker, Earnest Graham and Mason Crosby racking up 30 points for his team, you would think he had god on his side. When you consider that his father passed away during the year and he sent out a great mass e-mail to the league thanking us for sending flowers to the funeral, saying what a welcome distraction fantasy football was for him this season and noting that it was an honor to be part of such a tremendous league, just maybe god was. I can’t say for sure, but all I knew was that, karmically speaking, I had no shot in hell when I read the mass e-mail on the eve of our two-week championship matchup.

To my team’s credit, I was down 34 points after the first week of the title stretch, and I made up 25 of those points heading into Monday night’s game that featured the Chargers vs. the Broncos. With all his players having already played, I had Antonio Gates going with a nine-point deficit to make up. Something as little as a short touchdown grab and 40 yards receiving and I’m the champ. So when I checked the score at halftime and saw San Diego was up 16-0, I felt confident that Gates’s stats would be in my favor—when I read that he didn’t have a single forking catch to that point, I knew that all was lost. O-u-c-h.

That leads me to the first award for my fantasy football team ...

Jim Kelly Annual Choker of the Year: Antonio Gates
The top tight end in all of football, Gates put together another strong year, if a little more uneven than in years past. He was more prone to a two-touchdown, 10-catch game, followed by a three-catch, 28-yard performance. In crunch time, however, Gates was nowhere to be found for The Scooters; during the two-week championship matchup, he tallied a grand total of two receptions for 32 yards, with no scores. When he had a chance to bring home the trophy for The Scooters, he simply and utterly shit the bed with no drawers on.

Rocky Bleier Comeback Player of the Year: Stephen Jackson
He sunk many teams by missing four complete games and half of another with a severe groin injury early in the year (hence The Scooters’ decision to spend $43 on someone named Brian Leonard). However, he rewarded those who stuck with him, putting up steady numbers for a really bad team, with the occasional enormous contest. You would have liked to have seen more touchdowns from S-Jax, but he cemented his reputation as the hardest-running tailback in the league.

Darrell Jackson Honorary Clutch Player of the Year: Ben Roethlisberger
He was a middle-round pickup in just about every league, including mine. I chose him a little earlier than I normally would a second signal-caller, simply because I had to hedge my bets with Matt Leinart (I can’t believe I just typed that). Leinart quickly was hurt for the year, leaving The Scooters to hitch their wagon to Big Ben. He rewarded the shrewd pick with a tremendous 32 touchdowns. He cooled down some late in the year, but he kept The Scooters’ pulse alive with six touchdown tosses during the two-week title matchup.

Mike Tyson Memorial Manic-Depressive Player of the Year: Marion Barber III
He got off to a blazing start, but you never knew whether to count on him for 60 total yards or a three-touchdown explosion. Tony Romo occasionally forgot about Barber out of the backfield, and those were invariably the games that the Cowboys lost. I will never understand the decision to rotate Barber with the pedestrian Julius Jones every other series, but I blame that on Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips. When given ample opportunities, Barber nearly always lived up to his nickname of “Marion the Barbarian.” And when teamed with Jackson, those two gave me the hardest-running duo possible in fantasy football.

Honorary John Avery Bust/Bitch of the Year: Santana Moss
I wasn’t expecting 2005 numbers (nearly 1,500 yards, 10 TDs), but something more than 700 yards and two scores would have been nice. He revealed himself to be the inconsistent, injury-prone bitch many thought was who he truly was, and when Jason Campbell was upright and healthy, he almost never looked Moss’s way. To make matters worse, he would invariably have a decent game when breakout wideout Roddy White of the Falcons wouldn’t, making it nearly impossible to choose the right option from week to week.

Most Consistent Player, Sponsored By IRS: Larry Fitzgerald
Even with a painful groin injury, Fitz gutted out some solid performances down the stretch. He let me down somewhat during the championship games, reeling in just eight catches for 99 yards and a score, but he was super-consistent all year long and was a workhorse for a horrible team. Eight scores isn’t exactly what you need and the presence of Anquan Boldin hurts Fitzgerald’s numbers each and every year, but you could almost always count on 10+ points from Fitz week in and week out.

Honorary Ryan Leaf Worst Draft Pick: Santana Moss
Looking back, taking Moss at the top of the fifth round was a risky selection that didn’t pay off. Using my keeper option on Matt Leinart for the price of a sixth-round pick also looks very Nick Saban-like as well.

Dan Marino Annual Best Draft Pick: Roddy White
How about 1,180 yards, 78 receptions and five scores for a 14th round selection in a 14-team draft? Roddy White. ‘Nuff said. Landing Roethlisberger in the 10th, Edwards in the seventh and the Packers in the 11th round also deserve mention.

Jim Jensen Unsung Player: Green Bay Defense/Special Teams
The defensive scoring rules in our league are a bit controversial, but I couldn’t ask for too much more than what Green Bay gave me this year. I could usually pencil them in for 20 points per week, and that was more than good for me.

Eugene Robinson Solicitation’s Lesson Learned Player(s): Phil Dawson
There are a few different theories out there concerning kickers in fantasy football, and I have almost always subscribed to the one that says you use your 17th- and 18th-round selections in an 18-round draft on your kickers. This year, that landed me guys named Olindo and Remy ... and before you ask, no, those aren’t members of a Eurotrash boy band. Dawson was a decent pickup, but he gave me just 14 points in the all-important two-week championship matchup—as opposed to 28 points from my opponents’ kicker. Once again, against all odds, a kicker decided a fantasy football title; methinks I’ll give this position a little more attention in 2008.

Brian Urlacher Team MVP: Braylon Edwards
If you subscribe to the third-year-wideout-breakout theory, Edwards is your posterboy. He caught 32 and 61 passes in each of his first two years, and I took a chance that he would improve on those stats in 2007. Of course, I didn’t count on Derek Anderson becoming a TD-tossing machine and the Browns developing into a legitimate powerhouse offense, but Edwards will end this season with 80 receptions for 1,300 yards and 15+ scores. Huge year for Edwards, who is trying his best to end the curse of Michigan wide receiving busts.

Even though this is about the third year I've had the best team in the league and haven't won the championship, that's the way the fantasy cookie crumbles. Luck plays a huge part, whether we like it or not ... but that's one of the reasons we all keep coming back. I do have one championship on my resume, and I look forward to the chance to add to that total in the future.

Congrats go to Soup ... you deserved it, my friend. See you next year!

Limerick Friday LXVI: From Tight End To Wide Receiver: The UNC Football Story

They finished the season with a collective limp
But they hailed Butch as A-No. 1 pimp
UNC is fruiter than a Christmas cake bakin’
All Tar Heels completely love Clay Aiken
But now their football players dress up like the gimp?

The Big Tuna takes over the Dolphins for a bit
A more-than-curious move, from where I sit
He’s 66 and fatter than Santa Claus
Complete asshole and that gives me pause
But what the hay—nothing else is working worth a shit

The Wolverines searched for a new coach far and wide
As their athletic director waited for high tide
Ponied up a boatload of cash to steal a West Virginian hillbilly
All their talk about class just winds up sounding silly
Bo Schembechler just rolled over in his grave and cried

16-year-old preggers pop tart with no baby daddy
Will she end up like Britney, just another fatty?
Jamie Lynn received a $500 gift basket
As Mama Spears nearly blew a gasket
Time to pack up the trailer and move to Cincinnati

The time of year when people fight over a doll
And bagels are off limits, even at the mall
Airing of grievances may make you weepy
The feats of strength can be a little creepy
But still and yet, I wish a merry Festivus to one and all

Last time ...

Scooter & Hum’s Top Five Albums Of The Year

In saying goodbye to 2007, I took a look at some of my favorite books of the year last week. In this week’s version of "The Scooties", I thought I’d run down some of the albums that had me cabbage-patching through the seasons. Enjoy …

And the "Scootie" goes to …

1. Arcade Fire “Neon Bible”
Release Date: March 6, 2007
Best Songs: “Keep The Car Running”, “(Antichrist Television Blues)”
Rolling Stone rating: 3.5 stars
Rolling Stone review link and quote: “Like almost everything on Neon Bible, the follow-up to Arcade Fire's 2004 full-length debut, Funeral, "No Cars Go" is excess with a point: We are drowning in the unspeakable and running out of air and fight. If only everything else on Neon Bible made that point with the same dynamic overkill.”—David Fricke
Thoughts: Think Springsteen meets old-school U2 meets Radiohead. “Neon Bible” has been derided in some quarters as being more studio-smooth and not as raw as the debut “Funeral,” but I believe both pieces can be appreciated on their own merits, without comparison. The near-frantic “Keep The Car Running” will forever be the song that always makes me think of 2007.



2. The Shins “Wincing the Night Away”
Release Date: January 23, 2007
Best Songs: “Sleeping Lessons”, “Phantom Limb”
Rolling Stone rating: 3.5 stars
Rolling Stone review link and quote: “The melodies are very nearly on a par with the curlicues and knockout drops of the band's breakthrough, and [James] Mercer is still singing so lithe and refined you'd think Ray Charles had never existed.”—Robert Christgau
Thoughts: Most people know that the Shins were vaulted into mainstream recognition thanks to Natalie Portman, who claimed that the band would “change your life” in the Zach Braff movie “Garden State.” That led many who would otherwise have ignored “Oh, Inverted World” to discover that terrific album. I know I always do whatever Natty Port says; she has a convincing, er, way, about her. “Wincing the Night Away” builds on that success with a little harder edge and some better-considered lyrics. They still are the type of band that feels like you’re listening to something in the background instead of really involved, but that just makes them different, not lacking. And that’s more than OK.



3. White Stripes “Icky Thump”
Release Date: June 19, 2007
Best Songs: “Icky Thump”, “You Don’t Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You’re Told)”, "300 M.P.H. Torrential Outpour Blues"
Rolling Stone rating: 3.5 stars
Rolling Stone review link and quote: “Like his sometime heroes Led Zeppelin, Jack White builds monuments. They're suitable for awestruck visits. But they're no place to settle down.”—Robert Christgau
Thoughts: Dug it. Loudier, noiser, harsher, grungier, meaner. I read that “Icky Thump” was their first song that made the top 20 or something, but while that is a complete turnoff for some hoity-tooty musicophiles, I can look the other way. Jack and Meg always have fun and always include some throwaway songs, but no one generates more sound per band member and they are constantly refining their sound and experimenting. “You Don’t Know What Love Is” veers close to ‘80s hair rock, but the thumping sound of the well-named “Icky Thump” is mesmerizing. You can’t beat a lyric like “White Americans, what? / Nothing better to do? / Why don’t you kick yourself out? / You’re an immigrant, too. / Who’s using you? / What should we do? / Well, you can’t be a pimp, / And a prostitute, too.” Or how about "I'm breakin' my teeth off / Tryin' to bite my lip / There's all kinds of red-headed women / That I ain't supposed to kiss" from "300 M.P.H. Torrential Outpour Blues"? Some wondered whether Jack’s side projects (e.g., the Raconteurs) would adversely affect his White Stripes work, but this album dashes those beliefs toot-sweet. This is one of the few bands left that always have me eagerly anticipating their next work — and never leave me disappointed.



4. "Once" Soundtrack
Release Date: May 22, 2007
Best Songs: “Say It To Me Now”, “When Your Minds Made Up”
Rolling Stone rating: 2.0 stars
Rolling Stone review link and quote: “Thanks to [Glen Hansard’s] soulful wail, cuts like the excellent "Trying to Pull Myself Away" and "Leave" have a solid roots-rock magnetism.”—Kevin O’Donnell
Thoughts: A terrific accompaniment to one of my finest films of 2007 (stay tuned for that list). Not only does the movie leave you wanting to see more, see it again, but it makes you leave the theater wondering, “Where the hell do I get the soundtrack?” Glen Hansard mixes some of his songs from The Frames with some great collaboration with the young, sublimely talented Marketa Irglova. The result is some very emotional, hard-hitting tracks that complement the film well, but can also be thoroughly enjoyed as standalone pieces. Some of the songs miss the mark (inevitably, every soundtrack has a few), but overall, a very strong effort and one of the better soundtracks you’ll ever find.



5. Joss Stone “Introducing Joss Stone”
Release Date: March 20, 2007
Best Songs: "Tell Me ‘Bout It", "Put Your Hands On Me"
Rolling Stone rating: 3.0 stars
Rolling Stone review link and quote: “But for the most part, Stone employs her remarkable instrument with focus and nuance on Introducing, and the result is an album full of solid pop-wise R&B.”—Christian Hoard
Thoughts: Hot. 19 years old. British. What’s not to like? Do you really need to actually listen? I mean, good music would be a bonus, right? In all seriousness, if you were to be locked in a room and played the album without knowing who the singer was, and then someone told you it was a 19-year-old white chick from Britain, you’d probably laugh and say no way. But Stone seizes your attention right off the bat with a shockingly powerful voice that puts the en vogue pop tarts that litter our soundwaves to shame. I’m not as familiar with her previous work, but I’ve read that this album is a departure from her soul roots to more R&B, and that definitely came across. This isn’t the type of music I’d normally like and in a normal year this album wouldn’t make my top five, but it was recommended to me and I found myself digging at least a couple of tracks on the album. I’m not sure I would go out and buy more Joss Stone pieces, but I can certainly appreciate the immense talent and potential that her voice alone offers. Personally, I’d like to see her lean more toward soul and put the hip-hop tinges aside, but this piece is worth the get just to hear the middle portion of “Put Your Hands on Me.”

Honorable mention:
Bob Dylan’s “Modern Times” and the Raconteurs’s “Broken Boy Soldiers” were both released in late 2006, narrowly missing the cut for inclusion in this list. I was expecting a little more from Jack White and the Raconteurs, to be honest, but this was still a funky disc that leaned a little more toward poppy than I prefer. Still worth a listen or five. Dylan’s latest was terrific, and he gets a lot of bonus points for casting Scarlett Johansson in his video for “When the Deal Goes Down.” Need more convincing? See for yourself …

Yukon Cornelius Eats The Peanuts Out Of Santa’s …

“Full Metal Jacket” + “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” + cursing that nearly reaches the level of poetry = big funnies.

Reason #419 Why The Jelly Of The Month Club Blows

Clark W. Griswald + egg nog + Cousin Eddie + screwed over by the boss = quite simply, one of the greatest tirades in the history of cinema. Perhaps the defining moment of Chevy Chase's career:

"Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one ... I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a ...
cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!

"Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?"

And in case you're interested in the preamble, here 'tis. Happy Holidays. Holy shit.

Timmy'Z New X-MAs liST

Dear sAnta Klaus,

All I wanT for Chrismas thIs Yeer is a Greg Caramel-Armadillo jerzee. He wEars nummer 83 and hE scored a TouchDown for MIaMi yesterday. My dAddy alWayS puts a bad worD that starts with the big F letter in front of when he Sez MIaMi. And then sometimes when I fall down On the GrounD and gets dizzy, he will Call me TrenT GREEN. I do’nT no what for shor That Meens. But dAddy also sed ThaT was Our first GodDamm win Of the Yeer, too. So he Was VEry haPPy with BeeR, Than he Went Pee outSide an Than hE thrEw up in FiDo’s doGGy Bowl.

Thanx you for bringin Me A New Jerzee. Also, pleez fire Mr. Cameroon from The SideLine. Becuz he sucks a lot and He looks Like Alf’s dAddy On tHe TV.

Bye,
TiMMy the Dolfin FaN

P.S. Is It reaLLy true ThaT the Patriots aRe cheeters? Becuz MiSS WilkinS at schooL said that we should'NT cheet. An also, Than why come theRe coach LooKs LiKe the homeLess guy Who lives Neer my Bus Stop an is alWayZ aSKing to Give A Wejjie an alWays Saying thAT Henrry KiSSinger sTole HiS DiaPers? If they aRe cheeters, pleez bring TheM jus COAL thIs YeeR.