Friday, April 29, 2011

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIX: Oddity Surrounds NFL Draft, Plus Emmanuel Lewis Transfers


Does Ireland know his craft?
Because it’s time for the NFL Draft
Will the Dolphins pick another bust?
Will they fill a need or a must?
As a franchise, we need a life raft

At cheating, Tressel’s the best
As Youngstown State can attest
A fraud of the biggest kind
Ohio State is outta their mind
At last, find honor and fire the Vest

The campaigns, they start a-revvin’
A birth certificate?! Good heaven
Bunch of spoiled, pretentious pigs
They spread lies and wear awful wigs
Welcome to politics in 2011

He sucked last year, and lots
Granted, the whole offense rots
But Marshall was supposedly rehabbed
Then, of course, he got stabbed
A tiger don’t be changin’ his spots

He sounded like Webster with his squeals
Sat out with hurty tummy vs. Heels
Was only a YouTube sensation
But inspired hope amongst Pack Nation
One of those grow-up-and-good-riddance deals

Last time

Monday, April 25, 2011

The Onion Offers Up The Most Apt Review Of "Life As We Know It"


In Freak Accident, 34 Katherine Heigl Films Released At Once

I have to admit that this is about how I felt in watching "Life as We Know It." Which is truly sad because Katherine Heigl used to make most of us feel quite differently.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVXIII: No, Dude, I Said “P.O. Box Number Two!,” Plus Trump Symbolizes U.S. Politics Perfectly


Thought mailmen and dogs hated each other
Now they’re emulating one another?
Just leave my package on the stoop
Don’t drop trow and release a poop!?
Special delivery from a twisted mother—

On the court, he’s a freaking beast
But smartest? Maybe the least
As he set off for an NBA look
Kemba read his first book
Sparking a late-show comedy feast

To impress the other gender
One might consider a penile extender
Except in the form of a beer
Make sure you call 911, dear
If the erection lasts a whole bender

Anniversary of the Gulf oil spill
Bird soiled from foot to bill
Wildlife destroyed for no reason
While BP ignored the region
But an 11-year-old gives us hope still

While trying to get a campaign bump
The GOP turns to Donald Trump
They forgot he’s flush out of money
And stupid enough to be funny
Cross between Palin and Forrest Gump

Last time

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 43


#1
Elf ears, really? Really?
I mean, I don’t even have a thought that goes with this one. Meaning we're off to a rough start here.

#2
I think this time-lapse of a flight from San Fran to Paris is pretty cool. I’m a bit surprised the flight crew allowed him to do it, honestly. And I think there’s a San Fran-to-Paris gay joke in here somewhere, but I can’t find it.

#3
As you can tell from these vintage, old-school mugshots, people just looked tougher back then … even without random neck tattoos.

#4
So, apparently the adjective “classy” was getting pushed at the Masters, as evidenced by the fact that ESPN used it like three times in the first 10 minutes of coverage. We get it, ESPN; you’re excited about a new buzzword.
P.S. How do you jibe this adjective with your sycophantic love of Tiger Woods? Just curious.

#5
The “Chicago Code” continues to soar up my “me likey list,” aided by the fact that a scumbag criminal was referred to as an “oxygen thief” in a recent episode. I can dig it.

#6
Apparently, the Empire State Building was struck by lighting three times in a recent storm. Ironically, that’s also the number of times the videographer had to change his britches.

#7
I know Jamarcus Russell is having a rough go of it. But when you are fired by your goddam LIFE COACH, there’s really no limit to how far down rock bottom might be found.

#8
I think this video about a douche caught in his natural habitat borders on genius. Alas, if only the douche were, indeed, rare.

#9
So, what’s the over/under on how many diapers this realistic dinosaur puppet ruined in the first 10 seconds? And yes, this is the second thought that includes a reference to soiling oneself; I have a toddler, get over it.

#10
Apparently, “The Tar Heels Give Me a” Woody Durham is stepping down as the play-by-play guy after 40 years. The 850 UNC fans who watch football will now be able to actually determine fun tidbits like score, down, distance and time remaining in future contests.
Seriously, even the most diehard UNC fans (if you can find any) would tell you he stuck around about a decade too long.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Monday, April 18, 2011

'Chunk & A Cat Go All "Crossed Wires"



I'm guessing this is the only music video of all-time to include footage of a drunk-driving cat ...

Friday, April 15, 2011

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVXII: An Insanely Exciting Final Round at Augusta, Plus Applebee’s Doesn’t Really Card


An amazing finish of Masters play
A run by the Aussies, Scott and Day
Luke-a-like Donald, Ogilvy, Woods
Lotsa would’ves, could’ves and shoulds
But Schwartzel’s 66 led the way

Take from the poor, give to the rich?
No wonder the economy’s in a ditch
Cut the deficit now
Then step back and take a bow
A bickering government’s like a collective bitch

Whines like he’s on the rag
Then calls a ref a forkin' fag
He’s the Tiger of the NBA
But the media’s afraid to say
There’s a story, ESPN the Mag

She used to be really fine
But we have to draw the line
Most Beautiful in the World,” what?
Jennifer Lopez has a big butt
“American Idol,” an apocalypse sign

Applebee’s food ain’t very good
So if you can get drunk, you should
But not if you’re a toddler under 2
Now they have a slogan that’s new
“Dosin’ ‘Em Good in the ‘Hood”

Last time

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Fathers And Sons ...



This year’s was one of the most memorable Masters I can ever remember. And one of my favorite parts was this video short by Wright Thompson, which captures almost everything that’s beautiful about a small slice of heaven in Augusta, Georgia.

Monday, April 11, 2011

“The Help” Bravely Shines A Light On The Unexplored, Revealing Truths Both Brutal and Beautiful



“I reckon that’s the risk you run, letting somebody else raise you chilluns … But the help always knows.”

“Don’t waste your time on the obvious things. Write about what disturbs you, particularly if it bothers no one else.”

“They say it’s like true love, good help. You only get one in a lifetime.”


I didn’t know too much about “The Help,” but when it was recommended and described to me, I quickly fell in love with concept and the story. Using the language and idiom of the times (early 1960s Jackson, Mississippi), this book described the lives of black help and their uneasy, disparate relationships with the white women who turned over child-rearing, homekeeping and family culture duties to them.

The accents felt a bit forced at times and were initially awkward to read, but quickly developed in rhythm and readability as the story progressed. Also, there was a change in narrators every couple of chapters, an intriguing approach which helped to bring the story along and assisted with pacing. The first-person narrative worked well, with only a single chapter in the middle of the book employing a third-person observer.

“There is no trickier subject for a writer from the South than that of affection between a black person and a white one in the unequal world of segregation. For the dishonesty upon which a society is founded makes every emotion suspect, makes it impossible to know whether what flowed between two people was honest feeling or pity or pragmatism.” -- Howell Raines, “Grady’s Gift”

“But the dichotomy of love and disdain living side-by-side is what surprises me.”

This novel was the first written by Kathryn Stockett, making the character-building and storytelling all the more amazing. She swiftly and adeptly sketched memorable, multidimensional characters such as the tough, outspoken, vulnerable and hilarious Minny (“If I’d played Mammy, I’d of told Scarlett to stick those green draperies up her white little pooper.”); the wise, intelligent, serious Aibileen; the disturbed, unaware, pitiable, Marilyn Monroe-ish Celia; the evil, unapologetic, irredeemable Hilly; and the guarded, brave, conflicted Skeeter (“All my life I’d been told what to believe about politics, coloreds, being a girl. But with Constantine’s thumb pressed in my hand, I realized I actually had a choice in what I could believe.”). In this female-dominated tale, these women and others shed light in various ways on the uneasy relationship between the factions of civil rights-era Mississippi.

“Aibileen, she moves on to another job when the babies get too old and stop being color-blind. We don’t talk about it.”

“Things ain’t never gone change in this town, Aibileen. We living in hell, we trapped. Our kids is trapped.”

“The Help” is dominated by the complex, give-and-take relationships between many of the key protagonists: Aibileen and her employer’s little girl, Mae Mobley; Skeeter and Aibileen; Aibileen and Minny; Minny and Hilly; Skeeter and Hilly; Minny and her alcoholic, abusive husband Leroy; Skeeter and her mother; Minny and Celia; Skeeter and Stuart, her prospective boyfriend; and others. To me, there was much beautiful about the relationship between Aibileen and Mae Mobley, which really propelled the beginning and ending of the entire book; it served as a fitting representation of the conflicting emotions that defined white vs. black and help vs. employer during this era.

“ … that’s when I get to wondering, what would happen if I told her she something good, ever day? … What if I don’t even get to tell Mae Mobley goodbye, and that she a fine girl, one last time?
“Lord, I pray, if I have to leave her, give her somebody good.”

“I look deep into her rich brown eyes and she look into mine. Law, she got old-soul eyes, like she done lived a thousand years. And I swear I see, down inside, the woman she gone grow up to be. A flash from the future. She is tall and straight. She is proud. She got a better haircut. And she is
remembering the words I put in her head. Remembering as a full-grown woman.
“And then she say it, just like I need her to. ‘You is kind,’ she say, ‘you is smart. You is important.’”

“And I think about all my friends, what they done for me. What they do ever day for the white women they waiting on. That pain in Minny’s voice. Treelore dead in the ground. I look down at Baby Girl, who I know, deep down, I can’t keep from turning out like her mama. And all of it together roll on top a me. I close my eyes, say the Lord’s prayer to myself. But it don’t make me feel any better.
“Law help me, but something’s gone have to be done.”


Without giving too much away, the story really finds its stride when Skeeter decides to covertly write a book about the life and times of black help in Mississippi, enlisting the help of Aibileen, who turns out to be a bit of a closet writer and literature lover. In developing a code and a cautious relationship, Skeeter and Aibileen both grow individually by leaps and bounds, at the same time forging an incredible, under-described bond through their tension-filled, secretive emotional efforts. In their collaborations, each assists the other in truly finding their voices, as well as the inner confidence needed to come to terms with and repair previous wounds and scars. We are witness to Skeeter finding her sexuality and femininity as she is guarding her secret and losing all of her friends, forced to ponder the metaphor of her falling in love at a hotel named for the representation of pro-slavery Civil War feelings.

There are emotional, touching scenes, such as when the maids quietly pass by Skeeter and quietly pledge to help her; and when the churchgoers present a signed secret book to Aibileen, and later to Skeeter; and when Minny lets down her façade long enough to help Celia deal with her hidden secret (“She stops crying and I don’t have any good things left to say. For a minute, we’re just two people wondering why things are the way they are.”). “The Help” does a respectable job of handling the daunting task of depicting and describing the tangled web of racial relationships that exist in every nook and cranny within this book.

“It’s something about that word truth. I’ve been trying to tell white women the truth about working for them since I was fourteen years old.”

“Truth.
“It feels cool, like water washing over my sticky-hot body. Cooling a heat that’s been burning me up all my life.
“Truth, I say inside my head again, just for that feeling.”


That’s not to say there weren’t some struggles and holes in this work. There are massive holes in Skeeter’s relationship with Stuart, stemming from the fact that it is quite apparent that he is still in love with his ex-fiancee and likes Skeeter only for the fact that she is the anti-ex -- a safe, nice girl who is just ugly enough to where she wouldn’t and couldn’t cheat on him. Also, the placement of the novel within historical perspective feels a trifle forced at times, with timely references to Bob Dylan, Martin Luther King, Vietnam, the Rolling Stones and John F. Kennedy peppered throughout. I also couldn’t help wondering why Skeeter wouldn’t travel with the completed book herself to New York to ensure it arrived at its destination, and also to make multiple copies while there to ensure there was some insurance involved.

And finally, the ending was an enormous letdown after the stellar job of building weighty, impressive intensity -- creating the perception that you’re tiptoeing around Jackson with the lead characters, ducking the trouble that lurks around every corner -- throughout the ending of the book. It was disappointing to read the lack of profundity involved in the conclusion, though I guess there is an aspect to it that could be read as the recognition that this book wasn’t going to immediately cause any changes and that mundane life would simply go on. But I still felt there was a lost opportunity there.


So imagine my surprise when I discovered the claimed opportunity and the true ending on the other side of the acknowledgements. In a small section titled “Too Little, Too Late,” Stockett describes her early life, her growth under the help of her family’s live-in help, Demetrie -- and essentially, the fact that she is Skeeter, as well as her reasons for undertaking “The Help.” This represented the beautiful ending, after all, but it was tucked away in the back of the book, and so many people stop reading at the acknowledgements. How many people missed that part of the book that really tied everything together, the nominal Lebowski’s rug of the novel?

“Finally, my belated thanks to Demetrie McLorn, who carries us all out of the hospital wrapped in our baby blankets and spent her life feeding us, picking up after us, loving us, and, thank God, forgiving us.”

Yet, assessed in its totality, “The Help” is a memorable, brave work, a promising and head-turning debut for Stockett. No matter where you’re from and what you believe about civil rights, it will forever change the way you look at racial relationships within not only the South, but the entire country.

And for a first-time novelist, that is a truly, truly staggering accomplishment.



“I’m pretty sure I can say that no one in my family ever asked Demetrie what it felt like to be black in Mississippi, working for our white family. It never occurred to us to ask. It was everyday life. It wasn’t something people felt compelled to examine.
“I have wished, for many years, that I’d been old enough and thoughtful enough to ask Demetrie that question. She died when I was sixteen. I’ve spent years imagining what her answer would be. And that is why I wrote this book.”


Wasn’t that the point of the book? For women to realize, We are just two people. Not that much separates us. Not nearly as much as I’d thought.”

Friday, April 08, 2011

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVXI: Yow Lands Coach, Then Blasts A Drunkard, Plus The Masters Is Finally Here


A search with twists and turns
So-called experts who never learns
Mark Gottfried got the call
Now let’s shut up and ball
When Gary Williams pees, it burns

For Japan, another earthquake
Already, so much radiation at stake
It hit at a massive 7.1
For a nation under the gun
How much more can they take?

A national championship game
So poorly played, what a shame
“Hoosiers” fell short again
UConn’s cheaters did win
“One Shining Moment” was also lame

A government shutdown on the way?
Can’t even agree on the time of day
Abortion waylaying budget dreams
The environment unimportant, it seems
Compromise impossible -- whaddya say?

Masters time of year, what a thrill
A top-five sporting event, still
Media’s pulling for Tigger
He’s best when the stakes are bigger
But this weekend, look out for Phil

Last time

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 42


#1
Reason #6,806 why dogs are awesome. Loyalty. And it got a little dusty in here when the one dog sort of hugged the other.

#2
Inception” was almost two-and-a-half hours long. This Victorian woodcut animation sums it up in 60 seconds.

#3
Maybe I’m getting old, but a “sagging pants” bill is long past due. Kudos, Florida (and I can’t believe I typed that).

#4
A roll-top computer? I can dig this.

#5
Len Elmore is the type of dude who can be wrong, be proven wrong by a replay, watch said replay, ignore it, then go on pretending he’s still right. And I believe that says everything you need to know about Len Elmore.

#6
This is an incredible aurora borealis video. That’s really all I’ve got.

#7
On top of all the other things the national title game was missing, such as offense and excitement, it was really missing Gus Johnson. But listening to Gus call great moments in history almost made up for it.

#8
Apparently, some of you out there are using vodka tampons (you know who you are). Just … be careful. You know?

#9
This April Fool’s border crossing sign is nothing short of tremendous. Wonder if anyone stopped and actually looked at themselves as a result?

#10
Part of me thought Debbie Yow should have been more professional, not stooped to Gary Williams’s level and not taken the spotlight off of Mark Gottfried.
And then part of me thought that it was goddam great that she essentially told that sweaty, slobbering, maniacal drunk to fuck off for all to hear.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Mark Gottfried Is The New State Coach ...

... and this is the only reaction I can muster.


Best of luck, Coach (and you too, Debbie Yow).

Go Pack.

Monday, April 04, 2011

“Soul Pancake” Isn’t Quite What You Expected, But Possibly Much More


“To quote Teilhard de Chardin:
‘We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a human experience.’”


So I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from “Soul Pancake: Chew on Life’s Big Questions.” I mean, my only impressions of Rainn Wilson came from his portrayals of Arthur Martin in “Six Feet Under” and, of course, Dwight from “The Office.” Let’s just say both of those characters are, well, quirky. And then I had been told to follow Wilson’s Twitter feed, where he is alternately hysterical and thought-provoking. So I guess I had the feeling that “Soul Pancake” would be a bit humorous and a bit quirky -- but I wasn’t ready for how deep it turned out to be.

“What is SoulPancake? SoulPancake is a movement to chew on life’s big questions. It’s a space to tackle art, philosophy, creativity, and spirituality. And ultimately, SoulPancake is about you -- the thinkers, artists, poets, and misfits who seek to stamp out stigmas, shake up truths, and redefine what it means to be human.”

“Soul Pancake” called for a lot of reader involvement, with numerous requests for interaction. It was largely a workbook, asking you to consider certain monumental issues about life, religion and all else, then document your answers (or questions). I have to admit I didn’t use the book in that way, so I’m sure I didn’t get everything I could have out of it, but it was still thoroughly intriguing.

In the intro/foreword, I was surprised at how good a writer Wilson is … I was also surprised at how much of an impact Darryl Strawberry and “A Chorus Line” had on his career and spiritual choices, but those are stories for another day. It turns out Wilson had endeavored to read all the religious books of all the core religions, in order to give himself the most information possible to inform his decisions about his belief paths and his soul direction.

“To my crowd of artist friends, belief in God or religion seemed like a throwback to a previous generation. It was quaint and obsolete, a weakness of our parents and grandparents. It was a simplistic way to moralize and to live for some superstition-filled fantasyland of heaven with God, the ultimate daddy-figure, patting you on the back and telling you that you were a good kid. Faith was a crutch for the weak. Religion was there to make you feel bad and keep you oppressed. Believers were judgmental simpletons who lived in big, square states in the center of our country and equated Jesus with gun rights and hated gays and oppressed people of color, and wanted women to stay in the kitchen. Religion’s time had come. And gone.”

“I didn’t want to be like so many others and have some unexplored, unexamined philosophical stance on something that was truly important. I mean, there either has to be a creator or the universe has always been as it is, beautiful and purposeless.”

“I thought about all of this long and hard. (That’s what she said.)”


I certainly appreciated the depth of feeling and thought that went into the construction of this book, but I derived perhaps the most utility of it through the amazing collection of quotes it contained. Sarcastic, emotional, ironic, informative, awe-inspiring, controversial; they ran the gamut -- much like the book itself.

“Soul Pancake” is certainly worth checking out if you don’t mind a book that will make you work a little bit in the reading. And you have to get past the image of Dwight writing a book, which is harder than it seems (that’s what she said); because if you maintain that image for too long, this particular book will blow your mind …

Friday, April 01, 2011

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVX: Boom Shaka Laka?, Plus Wait ‘Til Next Year Almost Here For Mets


Optimism abounded from the start
Forgot to put the horse before the cart
We’ll Shaka the world, they say
When the new coach arrives one day
Only option left that is Smart?

Consistent cheater through the years
Fake apology and crocodile tears
Keep lying, fraudulent Jim Tressel
In a cell, you and Clarett can nestle
Just keep kissing those booster rears

Didn’t see it coming, the tool
Ignored his failure like a fool
A fake “expert” who didn’t know shit
Kept biting until he got bit
I hear unemployment is the new cool

Chasing the March Madness dream
With upsets that make us all scream
A mockery, most tourney pools
Makin’ us all look like damn fools
Happy to have one Final Four team!

Baseballs and spring in the air
Hope alive from here to there
Even the Mets have a shot, I say
After all, it’s Opening Day
At least a month before I don’t care

Last time