Limerick Friday LXXXXXXIII: "Lost" Kicks It Up A Notch, Tiger Blames His Knee

"There's a war coming," said Widmore to Locke
"So this creepy dude will carry you 'round the block"
But everyone called him a failure with no love
'Til he tried to hang himself from above
Ben choked him and then crashed on the island of rock

Shaun Rogers is mad that his meanie coach didn't say hello
Gets paid $15 million to stuff the run, eat burgers and Jell-O
When you're speaking of the woeful Browns
Every member of the team is sporting frowns
Welcome to Cleveland, Mangini, you're one lucky fellow

Proof that the economy doesn't a well future bode
Tight purse strings have struck along Tobacco Road
The ACC Tournament is the event that everyone cheers
The public can buy tickets for the first time in 45 years
The tourney held in a dome in Atlanta? What a load

A nail-biting loss to 13th-ranked Wake
19 fouls to 10? That's hard to take
Needed a lot more from Courtney Fells
A favorite, but right now his game smells
Pack's tough when they actually get a fair shake

Nobody gave a chance to tiny Tim Clark
But he figgered he'd play anyway, on a lark
Played Tiger and his fawning media zoo
Handed him his ass with a tidy 4 and 2
Timmy's Pack bite was bigger than Tiger's massive-ego bark

I don't have much to back up this rhyme
Little to say about this terrorist slime
Looks a little like Kenny G with a 'stache
Or Horatio Sanz after a diet crash
Might be the greatest mug shot of all time

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Street Sheet's Left Coast Pearls of Wisdom: Time For Everyone

A third excerpt (first is here and second is here) from the $1 Street Sheet 2008 Art & Poetry Issue from a January '08 visit to San Fran. All grammar ibid.

Think about it.

Time for Everyone (by George Wynn)

"If a St. Francis of Assisi
Bodhisattva resided in every neighborhood
From seacliff to Bayview
He'd touch you, he'd touch me
Yeah. he'd touch the rich
He'd homeless people and the feeble
He'd hug the folks with AIDS
He'd hug the poorly paid
And smile all the while:
'look my brothers and sisters
I've got nothing, but I've got everything.'"

A Tip O' The Glass Toward The Bayou On Fat Tuesday

Whether you're drinking a Dixie, an Abita or even a hurricane, or whether you're eating jambalaya, a boudoin ball or even fried alligator, have a very merry Mardi Gras!

Laissez Le Bon Temps Rouler!

"Benjamin Button" Meets Random HBO Special On Prostitutes

The Onion takes a (predictably hysterical) look at the development of age progression technology.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXIII: New York Post, Travis The Chimp Get Unfriended

I hear Facebook is taking over our lives
People posting pics and trying to find wives
Some companies even hiring on the site
25 Random Things caught on, all right
But Moms and Grandmas are everywhere -- gives me hives

Memphis continues being FedEx's pimps
Wanted to put the company uni on Calipari's chimps
Film class is passed by watching "Bambi"
Well-compensated, just ask Marcus Camby
A program that's shadier than a basement full o' gimps

Another long flight, but this one to Guam
They're hoping the plane goes up like a bomb
Lost Aaron takes away Kate's perfect smile
But makes her want to join the club of high mile?
Suicide note, electromagnetism makes it hard to stay calm

Sportmanship is still alive, if only in high school
Support for a grieving foe, that's pretty cool
After reading about A-Rod faking pain
And illiterate Pac Man making it rain
Good to hear there are athletes who are more than a tool

The race card has been played, thanks to a cartoon
Showing cops shooting dead a baboon
Some think the monkey is supposed to be Barack
Because of a stimulus bill reference, what a crock
Just an unfunny editorial drawn by an untalented goon

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"He's A Little Light In His Horseshoes ..."

A friend of mine passed along this gem from the Onion News Network.

A horse named "Gay Crusader" won the Triple Crown in 1917. I'm not sayin' ... I'm just sayin'.

A Break From The Giggles

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

I don't pretend to know or care much about the political beliefs of the six people who actually visit this site, although I'd be willing to bet I have a pretty good idea which way you lean. For the most part, I try to avoid the political landmines* and bring you some funny from time to time, since you can put me in the category of those who think people are way too f'ing serious for way too f'ing much of the time.

I couldn't ignore the story that is developing in the video above, and not only because it's hit my InBox a coupla times. I'm not going to comment too much except to say that with a war raging and teenagers coming back in body bags, with the economy in shambles and the "Great Depression Part Deux" hitting theaters near you this spring, with eight years of ass-backwards policy to overturn toot-sweet, and with all the other societal ills I don't have the time to mention going on ... it would seem Ken Starr and people who have made it their mission in life to destroy the happiness of people who genuinely love each other might have something better to focus their time, resources and energies on. I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, if you're interested in getting involved even a little bit, throw your mouse here or here. It's easy and it could make a difference.

As an added bonus, it'll piss of Ken Starr. And lord knows that guy is way too goddam serious.


* This is not true at all. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention. Carry on.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXII: A-Roid Says WTF, Butt Favre Says Goodbye (Until June)

Say it ain't so, they said to A-Rod
An embarrassment to the entire Yankee squad
Scientology couldn't change your tainted piss
Will Madonna still love you after all this?
Just the latest to be exposed as a fraud

Tar Heel football players involved in another fray
Butch Davis used a Jedi mind trick to make it go away
"You see, he head-butted my linebacker's fist
You think you can get the charges dismissed?
It was just a slapfight at a gay bar during 'YMCA'"

Could it really be the end of one Brett Favre
Off to the booth with Madden to turkey carve?
He came back to throw ducks in the city of crime
And lead the league in picks one final time
Now he'll leave poor Peter King love-starved

"Lost" killed off yet another babydoll
Locke snapped a femur at the end of a fall
Pregnant Rousseau is left to fend for herself
Hoping for a return of Charlie the elf
To return or not is a tough "Oceanic 6" call

The economy continues in a scary freefall
Can the stimulus package make that fall stall?
No one knows for sure, is the unfortunate fact
Best to keep your cube's personal effects packed
Nonetheless, a Happy Valentine's Day to one and all

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Guru.com: Looking For Non-Magical Urdu Wedding Karaoke, Por Favor

The latest batch of winners to roll through the In-Box ...

Title: Compose Love song for wedding
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: I would like to see if there are any talent people out here that can help me write a song to be dedicated to my wife on my wedding day.

It would be good if this person can also create a Karaoke like MTV so that I could play it on screen during the wedding and the guest can see the lyrics written.

As this is a once in a lifetime issue, I am hoping for perfection or at least near perfection..

Comments:
It is tremendous to see the words "karaoke," "MTV" and "perfection" in the same sentence. That doesn't happen often enough. Hopefully there are some "talent people" out there that can make your wedding some kind of wonderful.



Title: English to Urdu Translation
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: I need 4-5 pages translated into Urdu and typed in the Urdu (Nafees Nastaleeq) font. You should already have vast translation and Urdu typing experience. I am not sure if I can get Urdu translators here, but if there is any, I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks.

Comments:
Urdu is from Star Trek, right? I don't know if the adjective "vast" would cover my experience level, but I'll give it a shot with this sweet-ass Klingon decoder ring.



Title: rehersal dinner
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: my son is getting married, i would like to play the cd at rehersal dinner

Comments:
I'm not sure if you're looking for a writer or a goddam DJ, but I am freaking awesome at playing CDs at "rehersal" dinners.



Title: blogging and mprove my website
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: great contnt for bloggs and newsletters

Comments:
I'm not sure it's possible to "mprove" any "contnt" for "bloggs" based on your obvious mastery of the English language displayed here, but I believe I've heard this one guy George Bush is looking for a new gig. You can reach him at jackass42@cantfoolmeagin.com.



Title: children books needed (multiple)
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: Hello creative writers! I am looking for VERY TALENTED creative writers that can capture the attention of kids between ages 6-10. I need a very good writer that has a track record and a way with words. I'm not looking for cheap foreigners in 3rd World countries or people that write terrible content for blogs, I'm looking for people can that really write, that has creative thoughts that can write and very good with rhyming also. All stories will have the following in common:
moral
no violence
no magic
something realigious and non religous would enjoy and the story will teach a moral point that kids can gain from

Stories will range around 1,000 words more or less and I plan on creating atleast 50 stories and then 1-2 more per week. You will be acting as a ghost writer, so no credits to your name and I will own full rights.

I look forward hearing from you. Don't reply if you don't have already a noteworthy portfolio.

Comment:
Wow. I don't know where to begin. I'll leave out the odd usage of capital letters and the blatant racism ("cheap foreigners in 3rd world countries"? … really?). I don't like to write anything that doesn't include lots of magic and "religious" themes, but I'll give it a shot since you like rhyming.

You come across like a douche of the highest order
Taking potshots at "foreigners" south of the border
Yet you're the one who can't actually spell
Gurus read your post and say "what the hell?"
You get what you pay for when you offer a quarter

Eat Your Heart Out, Obi Wan Kenobi — It's The Snuggie, Bitch!

By now, you know what the F a "Snuggie" is -- whether you ever wanted to or not. If you're one of the seven Quakers or Amishfolk who hasn't seen the commercial, it's a bathrobe. That you wear backwards. If that doesn't speak to your needs as a human being to own one, then apparently you're missing out on the "Cult of the Snuggie," as Time magazine puts it. Hats off to the marketing folks behind the "Snuggie," I guess.

Because somehow, as of halfway through January, there had been 3 million sold already. Yes … 3 million. And it is on backorder. And it is made in China. And they're coming out with new versions for kids and the "outdoors." Because the only thing missing from camping is dressing up like freaking Obi Wan Kenobi and traipsing around the woods in a fleece christing straitjacket.

Of course, someone much smarter than me is going to make the argument that in a down economy, people tend to flock to cheap, simple things that make them feel better. But that in no way justifies this "Slanket" knockoff, which will likely seem pretty cool to you until one of your farts gets stuck inside of it and you can't escape.

The stoner below, the genius behind something called "Cam's Rants," rips off an epic tirade against "The Snuggie" that features so many F-bombs it would make "the Dude" blush. While his main issue with this product is what it costs -- i.e., for $30, "you can feed a little African kid for quite a while" -- he does point out that it basically targets people who aren't good with moving one of their arms up to 15 degrees in any direction.

Anyway, enjoy the rant. And if you're shopping for the ideal birthday gift for that special Jawa in your life, look no further … the Snuggie is here.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXI: Mark Spitz Meets Cheech Marin; Plus, University Of Phoenix Meets "Public Ivy"

Michael Phelps found that smoking hippie lettuce is not OK
Even if you were once the darling of the entire USA
Tried to pay to make those pictures disappear
As he pounded FunYuns and shotgunned beer
Having the munchies makes it easy to reach 10,000 calories per day

Another outburst for that nut Christian Bale
Makes headlines for every whine and wail
A member of the crew walked through his scene
So he blasted him in a way that was obscene
He and Russell Crowe need to co-star, that can't fail

Signing Day leaves Internet scouts tired and in tatters
Every guru and pundit carefully gushes and flatters
But rankings are for fans who are weanies
'Cause remember: stars are just like bikinis
They show everything except what really matters

A rather odd interruption of the Steelers-Cards game
Made Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction seem tame
A 30-second midgame switch over to porn
Had some fans more than a little torn
Keep watching porn or see who gets Super Bowl fame?

When you go to UNC, you're guaranteed As and Bs
After you get in, you get passed through with ease
If that doesn't devalue their diploma enough
Online courses enroll athletes who aren't up to snuff
Chuck Kuralt just rolled over in his grave of whine and cheese

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