Michael Phelps found that smoking hippie lettuce is not OK
Even if you were once the darling of the entire USA
Tried to pay to make those pictures disappear
As he pounded FunYuns and shotgunned beer
Having the munchies makes it easy to reach 10,000 calories per day
Another outburst for that nut Christian Bale
Makes headlines for every whine and wail
A member of the crew walked through his scene
So he blasted him in a way that was obscene
He and Russell Crowe need to co-star, that can't fail
Signing Day leaves Internet scouts tired and in tatters
Every guru and pundit carefully gushes and flatters
But rankings are for fans who are weanies
'Cause remember: stars are just like bikinis
They show everything except what really matters
A rather odd interruption of the Steelers-Cards game
Made Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction seem tame
A 30-second midgame switch over to porn
Had some fans more than a little torn
Keep watching porn or see who gets Super Bowl fame?
When you go to UNC, you're guaranteed As and Bs
After you get in, you get passed through with ease
If that doesn't devalue their diploma enough
Online courses enroll athletes who aren't up to snuff
Chuck Kuralt just rolled over in his grave of whine and cheese
Last time …
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