After eight years in a sinking boat An entire nation energized to vote An economy that's a stinking mess Taxes only for those making less I believe in change that's more than a copied quote
The final table is set for the World Series of Poker I noticed Doyle Brunson looks a lot like Larry Coker The field has been narrowed to just nine After nearly 7,000 started off in line Most of those didn't know a jack from a joker
Isaiah Thomas is back at it once again He's the NBA version of Jones, Pacman He tries to overdose on pills with a shiver Then sells his daughter straight down the river Everyone but Red Lobster has given this dildo a lifetime ban
Back in the news is that caricature, Joe the Plumber After Sarah Palin got his vote in exchange for a hummer Now he's got a deal to become a country singer His five minutes of fame has become quite a hum-dinger The GOP has latched on to yet another fraud, what a bummer Samurai Mike is not one to suffer a clown Determined to bring a winner to San Francisco town He became my new favorite coach with a boom By sending an underachieving tight end to the locker room Click, clack, Vernon Davis; that's your career ticking down
All it cost was a mere 150 grand To make this Alaskan look pretty and tanned Campaign finance is pretty big for their ticket But will this help reduce the feared deficit? For the GOP, only truth and common sense are banned
They said, "This will be the end of the line for old 'B-Hop' "When he feels Kelly Pavlik's punches, he'll want to stop" Instead the "Executioner" went into the ring Took all the pop out of the "Ghost's" sting Now, is there anyone left that Hopkins can't stop?
Recession fears strike our country far and widenin' From ethics concerns Sarah Palin can't be hidin' Obama is looking after his sick grandma "Toot" As McCain hopes his lies can somehow take root While Meredith College welcomed VP Joe Biden State game only available on freaking computers Sending Pack fans scurrying off to Hooters No ESPN360 thanks to Time Warner Cable Where customer service is but a fable No fun watching football on a laptop that's Scooter's
Called up Detroit to ask, "Need some help beating Green Bay?" Spent 90 minutes diagramming plays in his Wranglers that were gray Went hunting with his buddy, the hated Matt Millen Popped some Vicodin, shot some turkeys while chillin' He's good on Sundays, but a fraud and an asshole every other day
Earlier this year, I went to San Francisco, and before hopping on a trolley at one point, I gave a bean to a dude for a copy of the Street Sheet, the self-described "publication of the Coalition on Homeless San Francisco since 1989." I came across this copy recently and think I'll occasionally share a poem from it from time to time, as the mood strikes me.
Think about it.
In Here, Out There(by Leroy F. Moore, Jr.)
"In here, slouched in my oversized wheelchair Locked down in this urine infested black cell God! I'm not doing so well Bleeding from my POW, POW daily beating
Out there, living on the hard, cold streets No cot, no heat and nothing to eat Living on the dirty, trashy streets or In this tiny, smelly cell damn both is hell
In here inmates are family Out there there's no community Understand my reality
No rehabilitation in here Force medication out there No wonder I live in fear
Community leaders marching out there My family walking on death row in here Our savior is waiting for all of us up there
Out of my wheelchair, Zzzzzz frying in the electric chair Out on the mean streets, bang, bang shot by police In here, out there, tell me what's the difference"
It looks like Gamecocks coach Steve Spurrier forgot to gameplan someone to block the umpire on this draw by quarterback Stephen Garcia. As one might imagine, South Carolina fans are in an uproar over this one … and not just because they are only now fully realizing that they live in Columbia.
Now that's what I call the proverbial "12th man" for LSU. Wow.
A great crowd prepared for the Criminoles Who ascended on Raleigh with a legion of a-holes Stated played them well for more than a half 'Til the refs' halftime meeting with the FSU staff Suddenly, holding was OK and down went the Pack — poor souls
A championship for a husband and his long, tall Sally You win beer equaling your wife's body weight tally Five cases of beer went to the guy who got first place After running 278 yards without falling on his face Obviously, last place belonged to the hubby of Kirstie Alley
A midseason firing at Clemson, it seems Uneducated locals coming apart at the seams Tammy now has a real reason to cry Got shit-canned like Terry, poor guy Paying players couldn't save him from losing to lesser teams
An office that's alternately hot and cold A dumpster desk that has charm but is old Shoshana giggling, thanks to funny Rick Adam sneezing, Adrian asking if he's sick I'll be missing all that goes into being Bold Some dude from Ohio that they're calling Joe the Plumber Made the focus of the campaign for Dumb and Dumber Another gimmick trotted out by the ol' GOP As McCain can't stop himself from being petty Crazy old man + godfreak hockey mom = a bummer
A "C" list actor from "Grey's Anatomy," Bookman the library cop from "Seinfeld," creepy dude from "Lost" and random guy from "October Road" trying to carry a movie about a serial killer from 40 years ago, said film being released at a similar time as basically the same flick with a bigger budget. How can "The Zodiac" miss?
Oh, let me count the ways.
First of all, slapping a "The" in front of the title doesn't quite throw people off the scent that this is a different movie than "Zodiac" (Scooter & Hum review here), the acclaimed Jake Gyllenhaal and Mark Ruffalo vehicle of the same timeframe. The creepy opening montage and lover's lane scene—shot very similarly to how "Zodiac" handled it—got the movie off on the right foot, but for some unexplained reason, director Alexander Bulkley elected to shoot the movie sort of from the perspective of the lead detective's son, a Damien lookalike played by one of the creepy-time Culkin kids (the one who wasn't molested by Michael Jackson, I think).
The overly dramatic scene where the detective's wife breaks the biggest glass of water in the history of the world after being startled by their son tips you off that this one is not going to go well. The bad feeling starts to gain momentum as you realize that this is a fictional account of the search for the Zodiac Killer, with fictional characters and dramatized scenes. Part of the movie feel like an after-school special and others feel like the X-Files. Throw in the fact that the lead detective, Parrish, doesn't look nearly old enough to have a 12-year-old child and appears to be confused by just about everything he comes across, and … well, you start checking how long this flick is.
"The Zodiac" theorizes that much of the case involves a police coverup to try to keep the community calm, and tries to lead you to believe that the crime-beat reporter could even be involved in the killings. Bulkley does attempt to tie the killings into the times they happened—racism, Vietnam, drug culture, etc.—but this is done more in random montages than in any actual effort to establish a background.
I had a lot more to write about this film at one point (I will say that the scene involving the couple by the lake was pretty well-done), but it is exhausting to even rehash. One of the banner moments involved the detective coming home after being in a bar, and his wife angrily askikng him, "Have you been drinking?" Meanwhile, several scenes have already indicated that the guy HAS A BAR IN HIS HOUSE and the first thing he does at the end of every day is come home and fix himself a drink. So the teetotaler approach is a bit, shall we say, confusing.
Thankfully, this movie was barely 90 minutes—compared to more than two-and-a-half hours for David Fincher's "Zodiac." The final quote from the Zodiac Killer is pretty creepy and a nice touch—"I am waiting for a good movie. Who will play me? I am now in control of all things"—but most "experts" on this serial killer believe that was a forgery that can't be attributed to the actual killer. Anyway, there was a very abrupt ending without a clear focus or perspective, so maybe this review can save you an hour and a half and many head-scratching moments.
On a side note, there has been a potential break in this case, 40 years after the first murder. The stepson of one Jack Tarrance has come forward with evidence that he believes implicates his father as the Zodiac Killer. Apparently, the FBI is looking into the possibility that this could stand out from the many hoaxes and false alarms as the real thing. If it is, you can expect another round of movies shortly.
They've chucked snowballs at Santa Claus. They've whipped D batteries at J.D. Drew. They've cheered madly when Michael Irvin broke his neck. And now, they've dropped one of the loudest sustained boos in non-sports history on an out-of-her-league political joke.
In yet another not-so-well-thought-out, last-ditch effort from the GOP, vice presidential wingnut extraordinaire Sarah Palin showed up at a Philadelphia Flyers game to drop the puck. According to the New York Times, she was booed so loudly and lustily that arena personnel had to pump up the volume to try to drown it out somewhat with music (here's the "nice" version of the booing, with music blaring over it).
Philadelphia fans have never been confused for being the standard bearers for class. But give them this: They know a grandstanding fraud when they see one. And they're certainly not going to bite their tongues when they do.
Lies about terrorists and then acts bemused Drops her Gs and winks when she's confused Her husband tried to secede from Alaska Her pastor found a witch, she said, "You betcha!" Keith Olbermann ripped her a new one—now who's amused
Pac Man's not really a reform case quite yet Attacked a bodyguard as Jerry Jones did fret Why does he even have a bodyguard? The Cowboys pay a babysitter for this retard? Pac Man in trouble—in other news, water is wet
Described as an undisciplined, spoiled brat and lush His Napoleon complex and temper would make a sailor blush The Make-Believe Maverick has finally been unveiled Trying to distance himself from W, but that ship has sailed Do we want to make another deal with the devil? I'm in no rush
SNL is finally becoming relevant again Showing nothing is stronger than the pen Tina Fey skewering Sarah Palin online Causing Republicans to increase their whine Controversial sketches aren't a matter of if, but when Different year, same story for a Bowden named Tammy Clemson's like an Olympic sprinter who always pulls a hammy Was preseason top 10, now a fraud that can't block Tigers fans attack Tammy's car with Howard's Rock You can't be saved now, even tho Bobby's a member of your family
According to my friend at Static in the Attic, the following piece of paper was found among Sarah Palin's trash after the vice presidential debate. Say it ain't so, Sarah.
Also, the following video immediately becomes one of the top SNL sketches of all-time.
So, a friend of friend decided to try to sell his turn-of-the-century model car on Craig's List, and the following -- arguably, the greatest e-mail of all-time -- is what happened. Names have been changed to protect the retarded.
"Hi there. I was just cuirous if you were considering trades for the [car] for sale? I would be willing to consider trading a group of valuable items I have available for your [car]. These items include:
Ikea computer desk (missing keyboard holder) Pretty Paws litter box in "almost new" condition (retails for $35) Brand new, in box pair of Air Jordan basketball shoes size 11 (red and white) Vintage Prada wallet from 1984 (white & pink with very few stains) Set of 10 brand new, with tags "posie purple" washcloths from Target Full shipment box (24 bottles) of sampler bottles of "happy" perfume by Clinque One wool, color: gray blazer, size 14 by "South Pole" 10 unopened boxes (unused) of Kleenex with lotion tissues Full shipment box (40 pairs, assorted sizes) of Free Spirit white knee socks Vintage 1978 Oreck XL vacuum (still works, however, bags are out of production) Brand new (still in plastic wrap) Jumanji board game Rarely used, universale remote control by Zenith 4 Firestone Tractor trailer tires (brand new)
I have calculated based on the "blue book value" of your car that the value of these items bypasses the value of your item by far, so really, this is a big loss for me, however, I am in need of a car right now. If you may consider this trade, please feel free to email me back to schedule a meeting with some notice so I can be sure to have all items packed in my truck and ready for show. I am in Raleigh as well though, so traveling to show off the lot of items I have available is no problem.
Thank you very much," Dude with shit to unload [Editor's Note: Not actual name]
Former Pack alum Adrian Wilson didn't do my fantasy football team any favors by knocking the shite out of Buffalo quarterback Trent Edwards like two plays into the game and giving him a concussion, but I still won rather convincingly. First-round bust J.P. Losman even got a chance to fire interceptions all over the field.
Of course, my attention was quickly captured by Losman's disturbing beard. He's the doppelganger of Serpico and Adam Goldberg -- and no football team can overcome that resemblance and win.
Transparent and folksy, representing hockey moms everywhere She backed non-answers by wearing a smirk and a vacant stare Spoke like she was running for school council in seventh grade Refused to talk about policy or any decisions that were made Pundits gave her credit for forming sentences; that seems fair
Another year, another epic Mets choke It's become a pathetic, not-so-funny joke The worst is it came in the last game at Shea One of my favorite places back in the day The season and the stadium went up in smoke
A dork with huge headphones and a goat with a hex Cubbies fans looking for excuses as their team wrecks "Wait 'til next year" already heard on the North Side Down two games, can Sweet Lou stop this slide? Chicago fans can agree to just blame this all on Rex Fall weather is here, the Triangle's no longer hotter than hell It's also Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I'm here to tell Those are two (or is it three?) of my favorite things So it's time to open up your wallet or purse strings Supporting a good cause is certain to make you feel well
An economy that has turned into a black hole Gas prices that are spiraling out of control Money concerns for all in this wide land Now hopes are a bailout will give us a hand It all has me looking at homes in the North Pole
It's debate time, ladies and gents. "Smokin'" Joe Biden vs. Sarah "Badly Failin'" Palin. Word is Palin has been prepped for the debates by her pageant sister, Miss South Carolina, so it should be good times.
