Between the writers’ strike, the NFL season winding to a close and the Pack struggling big-time in hoops, I’ve found myself with time to pursue freelance opportunities. Here are a few I’m considering, courtesy of Guru.com …
Title: Editing a letter
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
I have a letter that needs editing regardng my company
Commentary:
Seeing as you managed to misspell the eighth word that you used, yes, I can see the need for some assistance. Thanks for all the details, btw.
Title: They Should Have Been Home By Now
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
I need a songwriter with production experience to compose a song using the lyrics I have provided in the attached MS Word document and can get it produced.
This song evolved from a poem I penned in the restroom at work just after reading about this tragic accident near Sherman, Texas.
An overworked trucker careens into oncoming traffic killing five roofers from the same Mexican village, the mother-in-law, wife and two young sons of a man who now curls up with his dead wife's clothes and says he will not watch cartoons but has to keep the tv on because the silence is worse.
I imagine this song as a country ballad. When you read it, you will see what I mean.
I would like to see tw examples of songs that you have composed in this genre, preferably. Also, list any works that you wrote that have been produced.
Commentary:
First of all, you aren’t likely to find an established songwriter/producer/manager/agent on Guru.com. Second of all, the prospect of working on a song that you “penned” while sitting on the pot dropping a grumpy at a border crossing isn’t likely to have many saying, “Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me!” Third of all, I’m trying to imagine a “country ballad” that includes five dead Mexicans, a “Speedy Gonzalez” cartoon and a dude wearing his dead wife’s clothes. I mean, the Dixie Chicks got banned on country radio for stating the obvious, yet you think CMT is going to be jumping on a ballad about a trucker destroying half of a Mexican village? Nothing says Grammy like that, huh? “I’d especially like to thank Big Smokey, who really gave me my break by crashing into Jesus, Hector, Paco, Luis and Jose. If I hadn’t had to take a crap shortly after he singlehandedly killed Menudo, this song never would have been possible. Wherever you are, Big Smokey … big ups.”
Title: Six Latin Pop/Dance Songs, Music, Lyrics
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
We need six up tempo songs [two beats per second] with a strong Latin Pop and Dance influence; In English.
Think Ricky Martin ["Vida Loca"] + Gloria Estefan [early - "Get On Your Feet"] + Bob Sinclair ["World, Hold On" or "Love Generation"] + High School Musical 1 ["Pop Tpo The Top"]
and others we can discuss.
We are creating an animation property you can look see at www.hipchicas.com.
We will need to sign a confidentiality agreement before we can go into much detail, but suffice it to say that there would one song fashioned for each of the characters and one main theme song for the series.
The music is for hire and we will retain all IP rights. We are happy to give a producer credit to the right person, but music and words will be FOR HIRE.
This does not include recording. It is for lyrics and music.
We are a startup that is self funded - one guy - me - so the budget is low, but we
Commentary:
Any formula that involves Ricky Martin + Gloria Estefan + Bob Sinclair + High School Musical 1 simply can’t miss. Also, one guy trying to steal remixes of other people’s music can’t tehnically be called a “startup.” The fact that your posting ended so abruptly (“the budget is low, but we—“) is more than a little creepy. Perchance you can contact the above person and collaborate to create a country ballad about Gloria Estefan stealing a bus and running down Ricky Martin on the way to a High School Musical show?
Title: A FRIEND OF MINE
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
URBAN BASED
This is a book of fiction with 1 main female character. I'd like about 80,000 word book which should be 250 words per page so it should come up to 320 pages. At best each chapter should contain 10 pages.
Georgi Matthews (main character)
Hugh Matthews (spouse)
Paula Matthews ( Hugh's mom)
Peaches Jones (Georgi's best friend)
Curtis Wilkes (love intrest)
In the end story revealed being told by Peaches
Commentary:
Really? Peaches? Get the good goddam out of here! Who the fuck could have seen that coming? Nice twist! If we can just puzzle out the other “URBAN-BASED” 79,974 words, I think we really have something here!
Title: Copywriter/Copy Editor
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
Young recruitment/internal communications agency seeks fast and talented freelance copywriters who think it might be fun and challenging to edit 5 page job descriptions and turn them into pithy help wanted ads.
The pay is low (by the ad/not the hour), the turnaround is fast and there's no consistent work flow schedule since we never know when the clients will have a need.
On the bright side, this could lead to steady and more interesting assignments.
Your availability to work during the day is essential.
If you are still interested, please let us know and we will send you a test sample.
Commentary:
Let’s see if I have this straight: You can’t pay shit, your deadlines are unreasonable and you don’t have much work. But in a perfect world, it’s possible that, eventually, there might be more shit-paying, horrible-deadline work to be done? That does sound “fun” and “challenging.” If my job polishing defiled bathrooms at Denny’s falls through, this is certainly near the top of the wish list.
* Previous promising shit from Guru.com can be found here, here, here and, of course, here.
1 comment:
This is some funny shit.
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