Reason #6,211 Not To Wear A Costume To Work

Really? So you dressed up as a Hershey's Kiss this year? That's really life-like. So ... do you have any meetings today? Or are you cool with sitting in your cubicle all day in an enormous stuffed-Styrofoam-aluminum-foil encasing?

*sigh*

Happy Halloween, folks ...

Limitless Paper In A Paperless World

As if “The Office” needed more help marketing itself as the funniest show on television, the franchise created a new promotional vehicle that has taken off like a rocket. On Friday mornings, many workplaces grind to a halt as employees discuss the previous night’s episode … hell, like on “The Office,” a guy at my company had his mouse put in Jello on his last day. Now, work is affected even moreso by the show’s introduction of Dunder-Mifflin Infinity.

The site has suffered from some bugs here and there, but I think it’s vast popularity was underrated by the folks at NBC. The basic concept is that you get to work at a Dunder-Mifflin satellite office and earn ShruteBucks so you can decorate your cubicle and move up the corporate ladder. Here’s what my cubicle looks like thus far:



Every week, you’re assigned a task that correlates to something that went on in the previous week’s episode. For example, last week you were supposed to create a Dunder-Mifflin commercial similar to the one aired on the show (above). Another task was to create a review for Shrute Farms, Dwight’s new agrotourism venture. Here’s what I came up with:

“When my wife suggested that we use our hard-earned vacation time to head to the Keystone State to stare at beets, I responded as I usually do: I calmly excused myself, went to my study to quietly weep, then began surfing MySpace Lindsay Lohan chatrooms. Little did I know I’d be in for one of the most remarkable and borderline disturbing experiences of my life.

“Upon arriving at Schrute Farms, the #1-beet-related agrotourism vacation spot in the world, I observed the proprietor, Dwight Schrute, doing donuts in the middle of a cornfield in a 1987 Pontiac Trans Am. As he later led us around on a tour of the facility, I saw a youngish fellow with an Amish-type beard lying in the fetal position in a closet, rocking back and forth and uttering gibberish. Dwight introduced him as his cousin, famed writer Mose Schrute, author of “SELL THIS: How to literally kill the competition.” According to Dwight, it was the No. 1-ranked sales/horror book on TheNile.com. When I asked him if he meant Amazon, he just gave me a funny look and said, “Of course not.”

“After being assigned to the Irrigation room, my wife and I had trouble finding a working bathroom. I mean, there was a bathroom … but in lieu of an actual toilet, there was just a life-sized statue of someone named Michael Scott. Weird. Anyway, when I found Dwight to inquire about where to use the bathroom, he sighed heavily, paused his XBox Battlestar Galactica game and pointed out the window at an outhouse. I found this touch simultaneously quaint and puzzling.

“The following day, Dwight and Mose treated us to a hearty brunch of beet omelets and beet juice. After a stunningly complete and thorough description of how the Schrutes had gained control of their land (Editor’s Note: this story is like a mix of Deliverance, Lord of the Rings and The Hills Have Eyes. Don’t ask), we returned to the main house for a dinner of beet loaf, mashed potatoes, beets and beet cider, finished off with beet pie. Dwight then kindly informed us that we would then be treated to a double feature Movie Night. When I realized that this was comprised of back-to-back showings of “The Crow,” I asked if he meant “The Crow” and “The Crow 2.” He scoffed, called me a fool and barked a no. Mose spent the whole time staring at my wife and muttering under his breath.

“The following morning, we had a light breakfast of Count Chocula cereal … with beets. Dwight announced that we would be participating in a beet-collecting challenge, noting that the winner would receive a “completely awesome” prize. When we went outside after breakfast to learn more about this competition, we noticed Dwight in his car, head-banging to “Wild Side” by Motley Crue and holding the steering wheel in a death grip. During the beet hunt, a pumped-up Dwight dealt my wife a nasty elbow to the neck when she got too close to one of his finds, but she still managed to edge us all out and win. As she put ice on her bruised neck (she mentioned she saw a dead cat in the freezer while getting the ice; Dwight simply informed her that he trying to teach himself taxidermy), Dwight begrudgingly proclaimed her the victor and presented her with a World Anime Expo 2002 T-shirt.

“When it was time for us to leave, Dwight began crying again, patted my wife on the head and put me in a bear hug. Mose returned with our car, licked my wife’s arm, slapped my left cheek and tore off into the woods. After I got in and started driving down the dirt road to leave, Dwight began pelting our car with eggs and screaming, “Come again! Schrute Farms will always remember you!” Mose then emerged from the east woods, shrieking and sprinting alongside our car until he saw a squirrel and veered off in hot pursuit.

“Anyway, I completely recommend Schrute Farms to anyone who has a fascination with beets and a morbid curiosity about the degeneration of the nuclear family. I promise you won’t be bored—you’ll be alternately scared, thrilled, mortified, confused, entertained, informed and panicked!”

So sign up, find a good branch, earn SchruteBucks … and avoid work. Giddyup.

Oliver Stone Has To Be Behind This ...

"The Doors" + "JFK" + Making Stuff Up Out of Thin Air = Oliver Stone's latest movie? Here's a picture that only an irrelevant, failed director could love.

Happy Monday ...

Limerick Friday LVIV: My Chin, My Chin … My Kingdom For A Chin

Former coworkers trying to find new homes
Now Chinless is on board where mini-Shrek roams
It’s turning into quite a bold bunch
Even get knishes for free at lunch
Unfortunately, you get paid in Travelocity gnomes

Bill Simmons is just a complete homer dildo
Or am I telling you something that you already did know
The Sports Guy used to be amusing, slightly
Now he’s a sellout who repeats his jokes nightly
Dreaming of a Tom Brady-Larry Bird sandwich makes his boy parts grow

The Pack journeyed to forsaken Greenville
Dominated in that glorified landfill
They crushed a roster of non-qualifiers
Turned Skip Holtz into one more of their whiny criers
In basketball season, they become fans of UNC-Chapel Hill

The year’s over for breakout Ronnie Brown
The only one who cared in all of Miami town
He was running like someone was after his soul
Was headed for his first-ever Pro Bowl
Now all hope is lost for the worst team around

Apparently, Dumbledore is now out of the closet
Had a spell in his pocket for Harry and any ol’ hobbit
People ask, “Was he a queer, too, Harry Potter?”
Fresh rumors for the message board fodder
Literace broke the news, posting under Neal N. Bobbitt

Last time ...

"We Love You, Woody. We Still Remember."

I honestly thought this was a joke at first, but apparently it is "real." You can't make a better parody of Ohio State fans ... even if you were actually trying to make a parody. Here's a team that plays eight straight home games against PCU, Akron, Southeastern Idaho, West Akron, Missouri Tech, Bowling Gray, Faber College and Akron Institute of the Musically Blind, rides the wave of Big 10 favoritism to the top of the charts, then gets bitched when they play an SEC team. That's when they say, "If we played Florida 10 times, we'd beat them nine. So this just happened to be the one time that they would beat us. By 30." It all contributes to my theory that Ohio only produces bandwagoners, highway snipers and creepy middle-aged guys who wear too-tight shirts and hang out in strip clubs during the day.

So in honor of those Buckeyes fans, here's something to watch to pass the time before tonights Boston College-Virginia Tech tilt ...

"I am a Buckeye fan. I love the sports, the school and the marching band." Priceless.

Fist Pounds + “New Direction” = Update Your Resume

So, a coworker offered me a fist pound the other day. Just walking past each other in the hall. Here I am, minding my business and filing another TPS report, and this guy rolls past with a nod and an extended fist. With a sigh, I knuckled up and reciprocated the pound, muttering “Damn Ohioans.”

You can forgive my detestation of this annoying social nuance. Based on past experience as a rower on a sinking ship, fist pounds, fake golf swings and disco balls bring up bad connotations. Hell, the last time I saw someone riding a scooter, I was suddenly struck by the taste of stale chicken fingers in my mouth. It was crazy.

Back to fist pounds. I can’t prove it yet, but I believe that when your employees start going around randomly hitting each other’s fists, your company is 74.6% more likely to go out of business within nine months. I have to crunch the numbers a little more, but I swear to christ it’s a fact.

Do we really need Bud Light to tell us that fist pounds have jumped the shark? I mean, I wanted to return the extended knuckles with a resounding bitch slap myself. In fact, there’s a subculture analyzing the fist pound phenomenon, including Uncyclopedia. Check out the section under “Acceptable Pounds Situations” in particular. EDITOR’S NOTE: There aren’t any. Especially at freaking work. “Damn, you really collated the shit out of that report. Knuckle up, dog!” Really? I mean … really?

These clowns, calling themselves the “Pound Club,” have dedicated an entire site to the fist pound. They even take a look at some variations of the fist pounds. Personal favorite? The “Ezra Pound”:

“Execute an exploding pound while reciting Pound’s poem ‘Salutation.’” You can’t make this shit up.

As if that weren’t enough, they came up with an accompanying video, placed below for your viewing pleasure. And friends, let me tell you that there are few things funnier than having Asians and barristos gyrating wildly and making homoerotic motions toward each other in the basement of a Kinko’s. Good times.

So I’ll be spending my workdays trying to avoid having to hit my hand against someone else’s hand for any reason, and feeling uneasy about the company's future prospects. And if I see someone lining up a pretend 70-yard shot with a pretend wedge to a pretend green near the goddam breakroom, I’ll be cranking out resumes toot-sweet … because layoffs are sure to be coming around the corner.

Good On The Pack

Amid squeals that EZU could win some kind of mythical "state championship" -- remember, these are not rocket scientists in Greenville; or even students, really -- and squeals for more Ned Beatty-like reasons, NC State went into hog country and pounded the Pirates by two touchdowns, 34-20. And just for the record, it's a long-awaited win for the Wolfpack ... but a victory over a four-year junior college haven for those who can't get into real schools doesn't constitute a rivalry -- and never will.

Big Ben: The Time Is Now For Pack Hoops

After a rookie season that saw him see scant action, Ben McCauley entered his sophomore campaign as an afterthought. He left is as one of the ACC’s biggest surprises.

McCauley earned honorable-mention all-conference recognition after finishing 15th in the conference in scoring (14.4 points per game) and ninth in rebounding (6.9 boards per contest). He also finished second in the league in field-goal percentage, with his .584 (211-361) representing the second-highest single-season mark in NC State history.

McCauley’s scoring increase of 12.3 points per game from his rookie season was the second-highest increase among ACC players. He notched six 20-point games, tied a school record with 36 starts on the year, finished with the third-most minutes played (1,234) in school annals and wound up fifth in the league in minutes per game (34.53). Capping his campaign in style, he earned second-team All-CC Tournament honors after shooting 66.7 percent (20-30) in the tourney, then posted two double-doubles in the Wolfpack’s three NIT contests. If that wasn’t enough, he was named to the Academic All-ACC squad for the second straight year for good measure.

Finishing second on the team in rebounding, steals (36) and minutes; third in scoring; and tied for third in blocks (22) demonstrated McCauley’s extreme value to the Pack. However, perhaps one of the most surprising aspects of the big man’s emergence was his development into a stellar passer out of the post—he ended up second on the squad in assists with 115.

On the eve of the start of basketball practice at State, McCauley took some time to talk with me for a story for Pack Pride. Here are some quotes that didn’t make it into the feature article:

Me: What’s the anticipation around the team as the start of hoops practice quickly approaches?

McCauley: “It’s so close I can taste it. Practice is right around the corner, literally; tomorrow is the first day and everyone is looking forward to it. It’s a good time of the year.”

Me: What were your expectations of yourself when you came from Yough High School in Pennsylvania to the Atlantic Coast Conference?

McCauley: “You hear from this and that, this person and that person, that only a certain amount of people make it to the NBA out of college, and obviously that puts you back a little bit. Because you think, ‘All right, I’ve got a little window here I’ve got to work with. But if I work my butt off, maybe I can get in that little window.’

“But coming out of high school, I didn’t really know what to expect, to tell you the truth. I was just taking it with open arms and just running with it. You can control your future; as hard as you work, it’s up to you. You hear this all the time: ‘Don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can’t do,’ and I think that’s one of the … truest statements ever. If you know you can do something and you feel like you can do something, who’s stopping you, really?”

Me: Last year, you and the rest of the Wolfpack starters were playing 35 to 40 minutes per game. What will it mean to have a lot more help this year, with three transfers and three freshmen coming in?

McCauley: “I think we’ll be in a lot more games toward the end of the game, because we’ll be fresh. But at the same time, like [teammate] Gavin [Grant] said, no one wants to come out of the game—but that’s being part of a team. You’re going to have players, you need the rest. You can’t play all the time; obviously, we did last year because we had to. There were a couple of games where we didn’t think we were tired, but we probably really were tired. And I think that will go away this year because we do have a lot of bodies, and a lot of bodies that can help us.

“So it’s not going to be fun getting taken out of the game, but then again, it’s your teammates, so that’s part of [being] a team—you’re going to cheer them on no matter what. It’ll be different, but I think it’s going to work out for the best.”

Me: You’ll be getting some big-time frontcourt help in rookies J.J. Hickson and Tracy Smith, two highly regarded youngsters. What have been your early impressions of these two?

McCauley: “They’re playing well. The one thing, obviously, is now they have to learn the offense. Athletic-wise and conditioning-wise, they’re coming along. They’re in pretty good shape right now; obviously, we all are because we’ve been working out. The two main things [are] you have to be able to learn your offense and you have to be able to learn your teammates. It’s a big thing, learning the offense, but then again, you have to know what your teammates are expecting of you.

“I think that’s one thing that worked well last year: we had really good team chemistry. For instance, if I got the ball in the post, guys would move and they knew that I was going to get them the ball. They would move to either shoot a three or cut to the basket, and that works well, because they know that I know that I want them to move to the basket. That’s one thing that our big men now will have to work on, is ‘Does this guy want to cut to the basket? Does he want to stay out and let me go to work?’ That’s something that will come with game experience.

“But other than that, they’re looking strong. They’re great athletes and good kids, and they’re going to fit in here well.”

Me: Coach Sidney Lowe and his assistants have a year under their belts now, and the returning players should have a better idea of what the staff expects of them. How much of the teaching process for the new players falls on the older players now?

McCauley: “I think we have to kind of show them the way a little bit now, too. Like I said, last year was a big learning experience and we all learned a lot. So we have to take what we learned and filter it to the freshman, to the new guys.

“It’s a lot different, learning stuff from your fellow teammates than your coaches. I realized that when I was a freshman; it’s different [when] you hear something from a guy who’s going through it, rather than just coaching it. When I would talk to Ilian [Evtimov] and Andrew [Brackman], they’d give me personal experiences from being in games and what it’s like to actually be a player rather than hearing it from a coach who’s on the sideline, who’s not in the heat of the game—he is in the heat of the game, but it’s a different kind of point of view. So I think it’s good to get a little bit of both, so I think the freshmen will appreciate it, hearing it from guys who have been there.

“I’m not saying … Obviously Coach Lowe does have experience of being in it—obviously. Guys [who] have an experience being coached under Coach Lowe, it’s different, I think; then they know what to expect from him and what [he expects] from them. I don’t think there’s anyone better to tell them than guys who are already playing under him.”

Me: After being picked to finish at the bottom of the ACC in the preseason last year, the Pack is being ranked in the top 25 just about everywhere. Do the rankings have any effect on how the team approaches or looks at the upcoming season?

McCauley: “That’s one thing you have to look at: It’s preseason, and no one’s seen anyone play each other yet with their new teams. You see preseason rankings go down the tubes, even in football. But then again, it does kind of make you feel good that someone is confident that you can be one of the top frontcourts or teams in the nation. So it does give you a little bit of confidence, but then again, you can’t get a big head just because someone’s ranking you that high. You still have to come out and prove that you are that top-five team. It might give us a little bit of confidence, but like I said, again, you’ve got to be able to perform.”

Me: For whatever reason, Grant’s comment about State losing four games or less this year garnered a lot of attention nationally. Was your reaction to that more along the lines of encouraging that or “C’mon, Gavin, let’s not put a bull’s eye on our back right off the bat”?

McCauley: “No, I think that’s OK. I think that’s fine, because he’s a senior, a leader. We’re going to follow pretty much what [he says] … Gavin’s the leader, and if he says something like that, we’re going to take full responsibility in making sure that happens. I think it’s good; I think it gives us a sense of, ‘Let’s get out and do this,’ instead of coming out of the gates and being like, ‘Make sure we win this game, make sure we win this game.’ We’re coming out [saying], ‘Let’s win every game, let’s do this. We know we can do it, so let’s do it.’ And I think Gavin knows we can do it, that’s why he said that. He wouldn’t have said that if he didn’t think we could do it.

“He’s confident, and that’s a big thing. I think there’s a difference between cockiness ad confidence. I think he was very confident in that comment, and we’re all confident that we can do it.”

Me: The team was obviously upset to be picked to finish in last place a season ago. How are the expectations different now?

McCauley: “It is different; it’s a lot better than being picked last. But being picked last, you can be the underdog, and if you win, that’s a bonus. But now, I feel like we can win and we should win, so we should be ranked high. I’m confident that we can be [at] the top of the ACC.”

Me: Even though State is being ranked highly in some areas, most people they’ll finish last in the Triangle still—behind UNC-Chapel Hill and Duke.

McCauley: [shaking head] “Last in the Triangle … We’re not going to be last in the Triangle, that’s for sure.”

Limerick Friday LVIII: Penn State Campus Terrorized By Thousand-Year-Old Groucho Marx Ghost

Joe Pa is now dabbling in road rage
He’d drop dead if you told him to act his age
Don’t know why they call it Happy Valley
When Paterno is as grumpy as Struthers, Sally
Here’s a guy who coaches in Depends at this stage

A Canadian pedophile trying to live high on the hog
Hanging out in Bangkok and dining on dog
He was outed by a freaking transvestite
Before he could take another poodle bite
Does anyone know if his last name was Camphaug?

126 more lying dead in Pakistan
Killed by a suicide bomber man
It happened during a celebration, you know
For returning Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto
Before I turn on the news, I think, “I don’t know if I can”

Yet another top team takes a tumble
No. 2 South Florida is the latest to stumble
Upended by Rutgers on national TV
During the craziest college football year in history
If the Buckeyes ever play anyone, they’ll be next to fumble

As celebrations go, this one was very much muted
Coworker’s last day, he’s leaving instead of being booted
We knew we couldn’t just let him just go
Someone put his mouse in green Jell-O
So Jared, good bye and good luck – you’ve been Schruted!

Last time ...

Where Have You Gone, Chrissy Chambers?

On first down, you’d make an amazing one-handed catch
On third you’d drop a pass my dog would get playing fetch
You’d tightrope the sideline with the very best
Then fumble a pass over the middle in your chest
When we wanted a leader, you’d make us wretch

It seems like you had a new quarterback just about every year
A Hebrew, a Gentile and I think Joey Harrington was a queer
But there were times when I called you “Chrissy”
Because the routes that you ran were quite pissy
My drinking game was every drop you had, I’d drink a beer

Fast and strong, but you couldn’t get separation
Ran some routes like a freaking blind Haitian
Three touchdowns against the bitch-ass Cowboys
15 catches against Beefalo to bring the noise
But inconsistency is what frustrated Dolphins Nation

When the best QB you ever had was Gus Frerotte
Must have seemed like you were playing all for naught
Why couldn’t you have come along for Marino?
The timing was just wrong from the get-go
Loss after loss that I wish I could have forgot

You lost me when you lobbied for us to pick Ted Ginn
A top WR asking for another first-round WR is a sin
Then you proceeded to drop pass after pass
Made me wonder if you even gave a rat’s ass
Randy Moss would never say, “Let’s draft Johnson, Calvin!”

We gave you a huge deal to be our No. 1 receiver
You made the ‘Stache, Dave Wannstedt, a big believer
But instead you played like a pile of No. 2
Even though the guy throwing you the ball was a Jew
You disappeared when we needed a dream weaver

Now I guess your orange jersey I must retire
Alongside Ricky Williams’s, or just straight into the fire
Even have a Chris Chambers bobblehead
Could sell it for $1.29 to a guy from Boca named Ned
I’m sorry we couldn’t find a decent coach for you to hire

Nick Satan was a coward and a prick
The ‘Stache didn’t know his elbow from his dick
Jimmy Johnson helped run the ‘Fins into the ground
Then took his poodle and quit without a sound
What they’ve done to our franchise is depressing and sick

But at least you’ll love playing with Philip Rivers
As we nurse our concussions and bruised livers
And how could you not love living in San Diego?
Which is German for “whale’s vagina,” I know
You’ll finally have a quarterback who stands and delivers

So good luck to you for the rest of your career
Thanks for being a Dolphin I could occasionally cheer
Forgive me for the many times I couldn’t help but curse your name
And for calling you a “she” like Terry Glenn when you were lame
You couldn’t help being on a sinking ship that no one could steer

All that said, I’ll still miss seeing your No. 84
You gave us hope when everyone else was a bore
When you got stopped on a suspected DUI in your Subaru Brat
I was surprised you weren’t driven to drink long before that
It’s a good trade for Miami—but I hate to see you walk out that door

Torture, Schmorture ...

More from our witless leader, the misunderstood genius ...

"You Don't Say? I Find That Fascinating."

Dead-on, muy funny take on the joys of dating ...

Limerick Friday LVII: Walmart Bowl To Decide “Real” Carolina?

They say it’s the battle of who owns “Carolina”
I say the winner will be known only as the biggest whina
The Gamecocks hope the Visor leads them away from sadness
The Tar Heels just passing the time until Midnight Madness
Basically, anyone that goes to either school is just a big vag—… er, loser

The CIA is trying to eliminate oversight
Wants to conduct affairs under cover of night
“It’s just torture,” they say with a grin,
“Torturing possible terrorists can’t be a sin”
Finding out what really goes on in the CIA would be a fright

A frustrating season in fantasy football
As star after star continues to fall
“Another knee injury,” we say with a sigh
A hammy, broken arm, a groin, oh my
Still waiting for my Blind Midget Patrol team to stand tall

We’ve gained yet another enemy
Pissed off all those from Turkey
Congress couldn’t run and hide
From accusations of Turkish genocide
We’re public enemy #1 from sea to shining sea

It’s Fair time in fair Raleigh again
Fried Coke and plenty of games to win
Great for people watching, this is true
Plenty of ‘necks from Butner with one tooth or two
Jaycees mooning each other while deciding which donkey to “pin”

Last time ...

ESPN Digs One For The Gipper

“I've got to go, Rock. It's all right. I'm not afraid. Some time, Rock, when the team is up against it, when things are wrong and the breaks are beating the boys, ask them to go in there with all they've got and win just one for the Gipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Rock. But I'll know about it, and I'll be happy.”

This deathbed pep talk from Notre Dame football player George Gipp to his legendary coach, Knute Rockne, is one of the most famous speeches in sports and national history. Well, it was bastardized by Presidential hopeful Ronald Reagan a couple of decades ago, but most of us choose to forget that event and remember the lore surrounding Gipp’s passing.

But if Reagan’s propaganda caused Gipp to turn over in his grave, how would the Gipper feel about being exhumed 87 years after his death so his stalker can write a better book and sports tabloid station ESPN can pump up a new show?

Despite protests from living relatives, Gipp’s corpse was exhumed in Michigan recently. One distant cousin, Karl Gipp, told the Associated Press that, “it’s absolutely ridicilous and uncalled for,” while another cousin described it as a desecration. But a friend of some of Gipp’s other relatives got this done without needing a court order – as long as it comes on high authority, right? I mean, my mailman is a friend of my neighbor’s niece, but I’m not sure she would want him tearing her grave open in a century or so.

Par for the course, ESPN filmed the exhumation to help market a new show that debuts on October 16 on ESPN XXIV. Even though Gipp’s relatives are shocked and offended, and amidst speculation that ESPN played a role in the events, ESPN maintains that it was only there to document the festivities. Hey, as long as it can give Chris Berman some original material for the first time in 15 years, ESPN is on board …

The Minneapolis-St Paul Star-Tribune reports that author/historian Michael Bynum has been studying Gipp’s life for the past 30 years, and a book he is releasing on Gipp was delayed pending DNA testing made possible by the exhumation. So Bynum’s obsession with a long-dead college boy has apparently resulted in him wanting to stalk the poor bastard’s grave? Is there any gene anomaly that could be found that could justify grave-robbing in Michigan against a family’s wishes?

Fans should keep in mind that this is one of the most famous players in college football history. Gipp was Notre Dame’s first All-American, scoring 83 touchdowns and setting a Fighting Irish rushing record that stood for half a century. Reagan portrayed Gipp in the 1940 movie, “Knute Rockne, All-American,” so we can’t blame him for an exhumation, but we can certainly nail him for disturbing Gipp’s dirt nap. One legend posits that Gipp contracted pneumonia after breaking curfew one night, finding his dorm door locked and being forced to sleep outside. Another tale said that he got sick after staying after his final game to give punting lessons in bad weather. Whatever the true story, the facts remain that Gipp died in 1920 of pneumonia and strep infection during his senior year at Notre Dame.

But even though we can wish that the story ended there and that we were left with at least one tall tale to hold onto in this age of investigation and scrutiny, it turns out the “entertainment industry” just ain’t going to let that happen. Fighting Irish fans can only hope that Charlie Weis was on hand to snake Gipp’s heart in an attempt to give his fast-plummeting program some inspiration. But it’s more likely that Sean Salisbury was there to analyze the technique of the shovelers and Stuart Scott was there to make a joke about borrowing one of Gipp’s eyes so he doesn’t look Chuck D.’s cyclopsian doppelganger anymore.

Good job, guys; keep up the good work. Maybe you can have Barry Bonds and Floyd Landis dig up Jim Thorpe next week for your new show, “Inside The Grave: The Bare-Bones Truth About Steroids.”

"24": The Interns Collate And Percolate

Even though “24” is currently specializing in shark-jumping and it’s lead character is constantly getting crooked in new and creative ways, the show was once somewhat cutting-edge. Now, a new wave of interns will look to take what they learn at “24” and apply it to the real world …

Peep “Flight Of The Conchords”

In recent years, HBO has suffered the passing of “Sopranos,” “Oz” and “Six Feed Under”; the strange and sudden disappearance of “Carnivale” and “Deadwood”; the slow and steady demise of “Entourage”; and the cancellation of the woeful “John From Cincinnati.” For an outlet in need of another hit, the arrival of “Flight of the Conchords” has been a welcome surprise.

This show is the tale of a couple of New Zealand musicians – Bret and Jemaine – trying to puzzle their way through the Big Apple. It’s hysterical, so be sure to check it out toot-sweet. Here are some quotes and a clip of a “Footloose” impersonation that had me in tears …

Jemaine: Man, back in New Zealand I was getting it on with lots of chicks.
Bret: Who?
Jemaine: Well, ah, Sarah Fitzpatrick, Michelle Fitzpatrick, Claire Fitzpatrick... the list goes on.
Bret: That was all of them.
Jemaine: Well, triple figures.
Bret: No that's not triple figures. That's three.

Bret: So he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New Zealand.
Jemaine: Is that the norm?
Dave: Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.
Bret: What do you mean, people like us?
Dave: You know, the English and what not, red coats, the oppressors...
Jemaine: We're not English.
Dave: Be that as it may Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
Jemaine: What about black people?
Dave: They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the asians, Polish, Russian, Croasians, even the Indians.
Bret: Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. D'you hate us?
Dave: Yeah, sometimes.
Jemaine: But you're our best friend.
Dave: I know.

Bret: I was going to be working on my secret project.
Jemaine: Your helmet that looks like your hair?
Bret: Yes.
Jemaine: How is that going?
Bret: It's going pretty good. I still need to get some more body in the hair. Pretty much looks like a helmet.

Dave: Look, I don't know how they do things in England...
Bret and Jemaine: New Zealand.
Dave: Yeah, I don't really give a shit.

Limerick Friday LVI: Fall Brings The Funny, Not The Cold

“The Office” is back in full force
Making me laugh myself hoarse
Michael and Dwight remind me
Of TGRK and Nek Magee
They’re doppelgangers, but this you know, of course

Creepy Senator Larry Craig of Idaho
He’s guilty, but pretends not to know
He digs dudes in airport bathroom stalls
Spends time stalking teens in Boise malls
You got caught, so get the fuck out and go

The Mets had a historic collapse
NC State would get rolled by Apps
The Dolphins can’t buy a win
No help from that bust Ted Ginn
Sports suck this year, but I don’t give a craps

Where the hell has autumn gone?
Everywhere I turn, an unwatered brown lawn
A “cool spell” brings the temperature to 80
Is this Raleigh or for-the-love-of-god Haiti?
Global warming will be remembered as W’s evil spawn

The state of the music industry is heinous
They’ve forgotten what it is to entertain us
Buncha no-talent fools who like to rave
Making poor Elvis roll over in his grave
My new band will be called Unremarkable Anus

Last time ...

Bros Before Ws

It's obviously been a rough year for NC State thus far (hell, let's face it -- for football in North Carolina in general). So when Pack Pride called for a story on problems fans were having getting into Carter-Finley Stadium ("Fans Voice Ticketing And Entry Concerns"), it was a necessary issue for me to pursue -- but not exactly fun. But I got the chance to go to practice yesterday and look into the story of DaJuan and DeAndre Morgan ... and in the midst of gloomy Wolfpack times, a pretty neat little tale emerged. I don't usually like to reprint any of my writing, but I figgered the diehard Wolfpackers out there might be able to use a smile.

Morgan Claims Starting Job To Fulfill A Dream

DeAndre Morgan wasn’t sure what to expect when he came to practice on the Sunday following the Clemson game on September 22.

After seeing his first extensive action against the Tigers, a couple of Wolfpack assistants pulled him aside, told him that he had done a good job and to keep working hard, because good things could be coming.

When he walked into the meeting room and saw his name listed as the starter at cornerback, he wasn’t quite ready to believe it. But when practice began and he was placed as the first-stringer, Morgan knew that his time had finally come.

“I was just like, ‘Wow, my dream is really coming true now,’” Morgan said. “So that’s really good for me as a redshirt freshman to come in and start like the fifth or sixth game of the season. I was just looking to contribute to the team wherever I’m needed, and I’m fortunate I was just able to get in real early. So I’m just looking to hold my spot, keep competing hard and playing wherever they need me on the field.”

Fooling someone into thinking they’re a starter when they really weren’t might be something a brother would do. But Morgan knew that older brother DaJuan, the Pack’s starting safety, wouldn’t pull such a prank – and wouldn’t let anyone else do it, either. After all, it was DaJuan who had kept his younger brother’s spirits up through all of 2006, when DeAndre had to sit out the entire campaign as a redshirt.

DaJuan made little bro stay after practice, working on technique against NC State wideouts. DeAndre had played his career at Suncoast High School in Riviera Beach, Fla., as a safety, only playing cornerback during scouting combines. As a result, he had a lot to learn, and that process continued when he returned home to Florida, where he practiced against brother Darren Haliburton, a former wide receiver at South Florida.

“So I just had to do a lot of stuff on my own,” said Morgan, “and then use the coaching and everything as well to get to where I’m at right now.”

Where he is right now is entrenched as one of State’s starting cornerbacks – making his older brother proud.

“He said, ‘I know you can do it little brother, you have the potential and the heart, the desire to get better,’” Morgan said. “So he told me, ‘Don’t change [anything] that you do. Just go out there and play. Don’t worry about the crowd … just use your technique and let the game come to you.' And that’s what I did, and I think that I did a pretty good job [against Louisville].”

According to NC State defensive coordinator Mike Archer, Morgan did better than “pretty good” against the high-powered Cardinals offense and Heisman Trophy candidate quarterback Brian Brohm. Morgan is listed at only 5-10, 166 pounds, but despite going against bigger Louisville receivers, he more than held his own. Archer said Morgan only gave up two plays – a crossing route where he was slightly picked and another play – and was a standout performer on Saturday.

“I told him after the game [that] without looking at the film, I thought he played as good as anybody,” said Archer. “And after looking at the film, I think he played better than anybody on our defense.”

However, based on Morgan’s work ethic and effort in practices, Archer was less than surprised at the youngster’s strong play.

“I kind of anticipated it, because at the beginning of the week, I never had to really comment on him when I watched the film,” said Archer. “On Thursday night, we were watching the tape after all week’s practice, and I said, ‘You know, this kid is going to play good, because we really haven’t had to correct anything.' And he played the same way he practiced. We’ve got to get the rest of our guys to do that.”

So the Morgan Brothers now make up one-half of the Wolfpack secondary. That’s a fact that even Archer finds hard to believe – or notice.

“Well, you know, it’s funny, I didn’t even think about that until I went in and talked to the people from ESPNU [prior to the Louisville game],” Archer said. “They asked me who was going to start, and I said, ‘DeAndre Morgan is going to start his first game at corner,’ and I go to DaJuan and they said, ‘Are they brothers?’ And I went, ‘Oh yeah, they are.’ I hadn’t even thought of it.

“I’m sure it’s special for them, and they both played very well. DaJuan has played well for us all year and DeAndre has really stepped up his game, and I’m really excited about him because he’s young and he’s only going to get better.”

But no matter how well they play or whether State wins or loses, DaJuan and DeAndre have made at least one fan for life.

“It means a whole lot [to start alongside DaJuan],” said Morgan, smiling. “We kept it away from my mom, because we didn’t let her know I was starting, but we told everybody else. So when she got to the game and [saw] our names up on the screen, she said she just broke down in tears and started crying, because me and my brother, we’ve been through a lot.

“We always played on the same team, but we were never on the field at the same time. And to come in in college, a Division I big-time program, that was just a real honor. It was nice … I can’t explain the feeling.”

Kudos to DaJuan and DeAndre -- and even Mama Morgan -- for shedding a little sunshine in these dark Pack football days.

We Offer Slurpees, Home Security, Escorts Or Pizza

After a half-amusing, half-disturbing conversation with a Borat impersonator at NetGear last night while trying to fix a router, this video below seemed quite fitting. So this one goes out to Mujibur, who can get a router working with a paper clip and will soon be starring on "To Catch A Predator" ...

"We're just a continent away!"

“He Serves A Damn Fine Nacho."

As a fan of NC State, the Miami Dolphins and the New York Mets, I am constantly on the lookout for better coaching/managing. At this point, I'm almost ready to turn the reins to all three teams over to Will Ferrell. In the immortal words of Ricky Jimmy ...

“That little Korean kid … he was like the Viet Cong out there. They didn’t know where he was coming from.”