Monday, January 31, 2011

Despite Formulaic Feel And Iffy Prose, Dan Brown’s “The Lost Symbol” Still Draws You In


“To live in the world without becoming aware of the meaning of the world is like wandering about in a great library without touching the books.”
–The Secret Teachings of All Ages

“‘After all, every great philosophical shift in history began with a single bold idea.”
--Dean Galloway

In the vein of full disclosure, I should say I’m not a big fan of Dan Brown as a writer. Anytime an author is suspected of plagiarism, riddles his prose with romanticism and cliché, and relies on a pretty formulaic approach to plot, they are probably not going to end up very high on my favorites list.

“The Lost Symbol” is no exception when it comes to Brown’s shortcomings; they are omnipresent. His overly cryptic chaper endings are borderline hilarious and his formal style of sharing history, background and even physical addresses can be a little off-putting in a work of fiction. His stilted prose and reliance on overly emotional, maudlin and dramatic utterances can occasionally take you out of the tale a bit, even if only for a bit. He also leans pretty heavily on literary coincidence, such as when he places a genius cabbie in Langdon’s path at one point. Beyond these perceived problems, it’s, as usual with Brown, an easy read, aided by very short chapters and a fast-paced story arc.

“In that moment, standing atop the Capitol, with the warmth of the sun streaming down all around him, Robert Langdon felt a powerful upwelling deep within himself. It was an emotion he had never felt this profoundly in his entire life.
“Hope.”

All that being said, though, Brown’s strength is obvious and undeniable: the dude can tell a story, flat-out.

Brown has come through yet again with a compelling tale; though it sounds vaguely familiar to other plot lines, he uses an eerie and foreboding prologue to launch into a robust story. He delves thoroughly and deeply into Masonic ritual and its importance with elite members of American society, weaving in some pretty cutting-edge thoughts about the actual, physical power of the human mind in the process.

“‘What if I told you that a thought … any tiny idea that forms in your mind … actually has mass? What if I told you that a thought is an actual thing, a measurable entity, with a measurable mass?’”

Robert Langdon offers up familiar difficulties in his role as protagonist. His oddly stubborn, unchanging, narrow-mindness seems at odds with his position as a symbologist who has theoretically been taught to question everything. It’s also amusing to me that he somehow sort of forgot that he was in possession of an ultra-secret, ancient talisman entrusted to him by his best friend. Occasionally, his ego becomes the driving point of the story, used to excess at times, such as when he stops to lecture about the history of a painting as he and a companion are being pursued by freaking SWAT teams and Green Beret types. For some reason, Brown also always feels as if he has to incorporate some hints or teases of romantic links for Langdon, though they inevitably go nowhere.

In “The Lost Symbol,” Brown ventures into some vaguely homo-erotic passages, plus some disturbing human-sacrifice, sensory-deprivation, torture and afterlife themes. All of this seems a bit of a departure for Brown, offering up some pretty bold ideas and depictions of very controversial, obscure and abstract areas. I thought his description of death and hell were rather brave, especially since, even though his books have been quite controversial at times, he sticks pretty close to his company line that all of his stories are extremely derivative of actual places, actual events and actual history.

“He was pure consciousness now … a fleshless sentience suspended in the emptiness of a vast universe.”

“‘The Bible, like many ancient texts, is a detailed exposition of the most sophisticated machine ever created … the human mind.’”


This particular book features a nice twist at the end, and the conclusion itself is a little unexpected. It gets a little dense in terms of reading at the end, which impacts and changes the overall look and feel of the book itself; the conversation is shifted rather surprisingly.

I did feel as if Brown has created a rather religious book in some ways. Of course, this is not exactly a change in course for him as an author, but by bringing in a lot of disparate teachings and side-themes, he enlarges the discussion in important ways.

“Since the beginning of time, the ignorant had always screamed the loudest, herding the unsuspecting masses and forcing them to do their bidding. They defended their worldly desires by citing Scripture they did not understand. They celebrated their intolerance as proof of their convictions. Now, after all these years, mankind had finally managed to utterly erode everything that had once been so beautiful about Jesus.”

The danger is that Brown is becoming the Tom Clancy of religious lore; it’s an equation that seems to work for him and I’ll never argue that he can’t put together an engrossing story, but at the end of the day, an author should always fight the perception that he is writing the same book over and over again.

I’m not so sure Brown is winning that fight … but then again, it’s a pretty good book.

“Every generation’s breakthroughs are proven false by the next generation’s technology. And so it had gone through the ages. The more man learned, the more he realized he did not know.”

“In the words of futurist Arthur C. Clarke, ‘Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.’”

Friday, January 28, 2011

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI: The UK Was Sorta OK, Plus Sidney Lowe And Jay Cutler Aren’t All That Popular


First trip ‘cross the pond since my hiring
One dude narrowly avoided a firing
Bad teeth and attitudes resounded
But beautiful sights abounded
England was still cool even if tiring

All the hubbub in the Windy City
Is the status of Jay Cutler’s knee
Did he quit on his team under fire?
Can he deal with the new rep he did acquire?
One step from the Super Bowl, what a pity

Let’s win the future, he said
No more earmarks, he plead
Innovation is the route to being green
Bipartisanship more than a dream?
The State of the Union gave hope instead

Lack of heart makes you run slow
A team full of tin men reach a new low
Now’s the time for action, not talking
The coach is a dead man walking
Sorry, but Sidney Lowe’s gotta go

Coup de’etats feature new flags unfurled
Car bombs explode around the world
Tornados and floods all around
Blizzards of snow cover the ground
2011 has us in the fetal position, curled

Last time

Thursday, January 27, 2011

For The Theater-Challenged ...



If you're like me, you find it increasingly difficult to make it out to the cinema to catch those intriguing new flicks (both of them). One solution? 270 movies in six minutes from 2010.

Giddyup.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A Big Ol' Oops For Endor


An alternate ending for when the Death Star done blowed up in "Return of the Jedi." Good stuff.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Don't Miss Me


I'll be pursuing international business opportunities and endeavoring to seek cultural understanding in a foreign country for the week, so there will be a dearth of commentary and content for you to browse in the meantime.

How did that sound?

Enjoy the break from yours truly. Do something awesome.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: Auburn Sort Of Wins A Title, Plus The Politics Of Hate Catches Up With Us All


Phil Knight pays for wins at Oregon
Cam Newton plays for pay with a grin
It was an ugly game the Tigers won
TCU would have beaten either one
Guess cheaters never sometimes win

“Band of Brothers” was a hit at the printers
About a war of explosions and splinters
An emotional, gut-wrenching journey
Watching your brother taken out on a gurney
RIP to a true hero: Major Dick Winters

Miami’s days of glory are long gone
Respectability has also moved on
A franchise in shambles and shame
An embarrassment to lovers of the game
Boy, do I miss Dan and the Don

A fairly brutal winter in Raleigh
Has many exclaiming “Gollee!”
Tough weather in the City of Oaks
Lead some to claim climate change a hoax
But disbelief is ignorance and folly

The political climate is scary and shabby
Faux News induces terror and is quite blabby
Obama an emotional tribute to the fallen
The state of Arizona is appalin’
We’re all pulling for a brave, fighting Gabby

Last time

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 37


#1
Dude ... Britain. Why are you fucking with the pint? Don't do this, man. I'm visiting your country next week.

#2
Mark May has long been the resident douche at ESPN, though he has faced stiff competition. He finally went off the deep end, though, demanding that his alma mater, Pittsburgh, hire Rich Rodriquez. He literally stared at the camera and lambasted the Pitt AD, telling him what he “needs” to do as a stunned Lou Holtz (redundant?) and Rece Davis looked on. Holtz gathered himself long enough to half-jokingly blast May for not only being an analyst, but also DickRod’s agent and the Pittsburgh athletic director. Bottom line, plain and simple, May should lose his job.

#3
I simply love this concept: “inch-vesting.” Read about how it’s working in Detroit.

#4
The power of the InterWebs: Ted Williams, homeless dude with “golden voice.” Found in Cleveland, becomes viral sensation, lands home and job with Cleveland Cavaliers, lengthy criminal background unveiled, subsequent arrest in Los Angeles ensues. These are the times we live in, friends.

#5
Wisconsin tailback John Clay has a giant Bob Marley tattoo on his arm. Way to throw those NCAA drug testers off your scent, man.

#6
OK, this photo from the Philippines is creepy as hell. If you don’t get the shivers from this one, you ain’t alive.

#7
After a nice thrashing of West Virginia in their bowl game, NC State doused coach Tom O’Brien with Gatorade. And the only thing that kept going through my mind is that you never sneak up on a Green Beret, man; he may actually end up killing you on accident. And that would be a tough one to write up on the injury report.

#8
So new Denver Broncos personnel honcho John Elway has taken the hiring process of the head coach onto Twitter, soliciting questions from fans and posting snippets of the interviews. Look, I’m all for “transparency”; but there’s transparency, and then there’s looking like you don’t have a goddam clue.

#9
I know Michigan has had trouble hiring coaches recently, but I never thought they’d go far enough down the list to land Notre Dame alum and ESPN radio guy Mike Golic. Seriously, though, has anyone ever seen Golic and Brady Hoke in the same place at the same time?

#10
I don’t have the time or energy to do the Arizona shootings justice here. All I will say is that I hope this paves the way for some real investigation of the lies and paranoia that are being pumped out to semi-ignorant ‘necks as “news.”

Monday, January 10, 2011

Scooter & Hum’s Top Five Books Of The Year 2010


For the fourth year in a row (2007, 2008 and 2009 as well), I’ve put together my list of the top five books I read during the course of the year. And for the fourth straight year, it was a struggle. With a toddlant rambling around, I seemed to have less time for reading this year, but still managed to make my way through some tremendous tomes. And yes, for those keeping score at home, Cormac McCarthy took home top honors for the second year in a row. Sue me.

So without further ado, here are “The Scooties” winners:


#1: “Blood Meridian,” by Cormac McCarthy


What I Wrote Then:

McCarthy’s choice to interject himself only as a narrator to the unimaginable -- yet true and real -- violence of the Mexico-Texas borderlands in this time, along with his decision to employ the kid only as a guide on this journey, forces the reader to handle the heavy lifting of judgment and categorizing who is good and evil.

For those able to withstand the gag-reflex-threatening violence of the tale until its final words, taking on the task of assigning morality seems easy in comparison -- if impossible to answer definitively.


What I Say Now:
“Blood Meridian” is a book that constantly challenges you, from understanding the prose to pondering morality to guessing at motivation. It’s a grueling work; it makes you work for it. But as you may be able to guess from my insanely long review, it certainly rewards you with plenty to consider and assess. This piece is nothing short of an epic, a must-read for anyone interested in the West, in morality, in a compelling tale.

Read My Review

Passage to Remember:

“The truth about the world, he said, is that anything is possible. Had you not seen it all from birth and thereby bled it of its strangeness it would appear to you for what it is, a hat trick in a medicine show, a fevered dream, a trance bepopulate with chimeras having neither analogue nor precedent, an itinerant carnival, a migratory tentshow whose ultimate destination after many a pitch in many a mudded field is unspeakable and calamitous beyond reckoning.”


#2: “Under the Dome,” by Stephen King

What I Wrote Then:
King’s story about how a invisible, impenetrable, semipermeable, unidentifiable wall of glass suddenly settles over a small sleepy town captivates you from word one and never lets you go.

In the end, never has a 1,100-page book been devoured so quickly by me. Rarely has King so acutely sketched a villain that inspires such deep hatred by a reader. And never have you wished for a dome to keep an entire town locked in for just a few pages
longer …


What I Say Now:
Spurred by King’s unparalleled character creation and unequalled storytelling, “Under the Dome” was an engrossing and fascinating read. No one else is capable of willing—nay, forcing—you to suspend belief, and he so vividly paints person and place that you find yourself a part of the location, a mute witness on a dark street corner. In sum, to paraphrase Mark Twain, rumors of King’s career demise have been grossly exaggerated.

Read My Review

Passage to Remember:

“ … a little girl who made the mistake of thinking she was big when she was small, that she mattered when she didn’t, that the world cared when in reality the world is a huge dead locomotive with an engine but no headlight.”


#3: “Beatrice & Virgil,” by Yann Martel

What I Wrote Then:
The true appreciation and borderline magic of Martel’s work comes in the aftermath, as you’re forced to examine and apply value to what you’ve just digested. He’s accomplished a clever, clever trick, in finding such a remarkable and unique approach to analyzing such a taboo subject -- leaving you to silently clap your applause in the wake of the total experience.

What I Say Now:
“Beatrice & Virgil” was a short, quick read that packs an almost unbelievably emotional punch. This autobiographical-ish piece combined chilling beauty with suspenseful morbidity, employing metaphor and symbolism to epic degrees. One of the many things I loved about it was how different, yet equally effective, it was to the first two books on this list: While “Blood Meridian” was challenging and thought-provoking and “Under the Dome” was long and engrossing, “Beatrice & Virgil” hammered you in just under 200 pages. I’ll always think of it fondly, and not only because much of it was read in the OBX, on the back deck, with a beer in hand and the sun in my hair.

Read My Review

Passage to Remember:
“Henry had written a novel because there was a hole in him that needed filling, a question that needed answering, a patch of canvas that needed painting—that blend of anxiety, curiosity and joy that is at the origin of art—and he had filled the hole, answered the question, splashed colour on the canvas, all done for himself, because he had to.”


#4: “Jane Eyre,” by Charlotte Brontë

What I Wrote Then:
Like many of the true classics, “Jane Eyre” is heavily dependent on strings of coincidences, and perhaps it is the challenge of a modern audience to quell the cynicism that comes so naturally to us, and just embrace the story overall and accept the unlikely, connected events.

All in all, however, it is a more than worthwhile read, touching in some parts and poignant in others. It contains social commentary, examination of gender roles, analysis of the caste system, questions of morality vs. responsibility, and thoughts on sexual mores. As one of the landmark books that features a heroine, it is refreshing in some ways to be introduced to a fiercely independent female with a growing realization of what she truly wants and a temperamental mind as well as a thoughtful one.


What I Say Now:
“Jane Eyre” wasn’t always the easiest read, but I did enjoy Brontë’s very brave and powerful rendering of a female lead character, which was a controversial and difficult choice in her time. Looking back, No. 4 seems like a pretty low rank for what is rightfully considered a literary treasure, but that is no slight considering the company this book keeps this year. I had looked forward to reading this one for a long time, and I found much more than the anticipated coming-of-age tale; I was pleasantly surprised with the emotion and thought-evoking prose that Brontë shared with the world against all odds.

Read My Review

Passage to Remember:

“The vehemence of emotion, stirred by grief and love within me, was claiming mastery, and struggling for full sway and asserting a right to predominate -- to overcome, to live, rise, and reign at last; yes, and to speak.”


#5: “Gold Coast,” by Nelson DeMille

What I Wrote Then:
Once the reader becomes cognizant of this identity of Sutter, the idea of narrator-as-asshole brings up lots of issues of trust between you as the reader and Sutter. While I found him to be funny and a smart-ass (both qualities ascribed to me by various people in various, colorful ways), his social, religious, caste and class commentaries within the writing are both thought-provoking and hypocritical.

I read it without any preconceived notions or expectations, and while I found it both funnier and less sophisticated than I might have guessed, I was also completely captivated. And at the end of the day, there aren’t many higher compliments you can pay a book.


What I Say Now:
“Gold Coast” was your classic guilty-pleasure read, and in that sense, it was a little difficult to place it in the top five here. As for the actual mechanics of writing and prose, it fell short on all counts; yet for pure draw-you-in storytelling and suspense-building, it was hard to surpass this year. The followup, “The Gatehouse,” was horrible, but I was conscious of not downgrading “Gold Coast” as a result of that. So, in the spirit of the fun read, here’s where it ended up.

Read My Review

Passage to Remember:

“And there was a time, you know, not so long ago, as recently as my own childhood in fact, when everyone believed in the future and eagerly awaited it or rushed to meet it. But now nearly everyone I know or used to know is trying to slow the speed of the world as the future starts to look more and more like someplace you don’t want to be.”


HONORABLE MENTION

I had no choice but to add an honorable mention this year. "Social Media 101" by Chris Brogan was so essential to my professional development and career growth in 2010 that I had to find a spot for it. Since it’s basically a collection of links, resources and recommendations, it was hard to classify it into my top-five, but it certainly screamed for recognition on some level. Unquestionably, a tremendous tool from Brogan.


Editor’s Note: I’d be remiss not to mention some of the other standouts from this year, each with varying degrees of awesomeness or suckitude. “Blockade Billy” (Stephen King), “The Gatehouse” (Nelson DeMille), “When March Went Mad” (Tim Peeler), “Call to Action” (Bryan and Jeffrey Eisenberg), “Social Media is a Cocktail Party” (Jim Tobin, Lisa Braziel) and “Fail Nation” (collection).

Friday, January 07, 2011

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIX: Michigan Searches To Find Class, Plus The ‘Fins Embark On Another Impending Coaching Disaster


After a coupla weeks in hiatus, without further ado …

Dick Rod got the shit-can
He’s the bane of every Wolverines fan
Told you all he was a bad fit
Now he asks, confused as shit,
“What the fuck is a Michigan Man?”

A new year arrives roarin’ and revvin’
Time for a resolution or seven
I greet it with gratitude and thanks
And refreshed from the Outer Banks
Is it really 2011?! Good heaven

Ohio State gets a pass from the NCAA
BCS says to Auburn, “You’re OK”
College sports has become such a joke
If cheaters punished, they’d go broke
So UNC-Cheat will likely get away

Birds are falling from the sky
Dead fish are piling high
Is it the apocalypse now?
Mother Earth striking back and how?
For many, more proof the end is now

Not a huge fan of Sparano, per se
But they’re handling him the wrong way
Interviewing with douches like Harbaugh
While he rides an emotional see-saw
Should still respect a lame duck, wouldn’t you say?

Last time

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

2010 Gone Viral

Here's a pretty cool collection of the best viral videos of 2010 if you've got a few minutes to spare.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Your Patio Doesn't Look Like It Used To

December 2010 Blizzard Timelapse from Michael Black on Vimeo.


Check out this pretty amazing time-lapse video of the great blizzard of 2010 in New York.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

CONS: Reasons Why Tony Sparano Should Lose His Job In Miami


To paraphrase “Animal House,” boring, losing and conservative is no way to go through life, son. And it has to suck to be Tony Sparano when you’re asked by your owner how in christ’s name you managed to lose to Cleveland, Buffalo and Detroit AT HOME in December. Yet that’s the position he finds himself in these days, with one game left in a season that might be break-even at best.

Yesterday, I took a look at some of the reasons why Sparano could keep his job. In the interest of being fair and balanced (#FeauxNewsjoke), today I offer up just as many reasons why he’ll find himself watching “Sparanos” reruns this offseason instead of game film.

His support is gone. Let’s face it: Sparano was a relative nobody who was hand-picked by a fraud in Bill Parcells. Who is left to have his back, really?

He’s with a franchise where learning on the job isn’t acceptable. Sparano had never even been a coordinator on the NFL level when he was tabbed for the Dolphins job. A lot went very right in his first season, but ever since, Miami’s been run of the mill and he hasn’t established a strong identity as a coach. At what point do you realize that you’re simply hoping that he becomes a good coach and then realize that, as many sales bibles repeat, hope isn’t a strategy?

His specialty has become a weak link. An offensive line coach by trade, Sparano encouraged the Dolphins to spend tons of resources up front. Yet outside of the tackles -- Jake Long and Vernon Carey -- the team has been dominated on the interior, leading to an inability to protect the passer and establish a ground game. Considering the amount of money and the number of draft picks invested along the offensive line, this should at least be the strongest unit on the team, if not in the league. Instead, it’s a borderline disaster, which might be one of the biggest disappointments of the Sparano tenure.

He’s too conservative. Michael Lombardi of NFL Network called Miami a “field goal offense,” and that is as apt a description as I’ve heard. The Dolphins have pissed away a number of games that they dominated throughout simply due to the fact that they play for field goals, leaving themselves no room for error. If that approach is due to personnel, that’s no excuse -- it is his personnel. And I would say that seemingly being willing to allow Chad Henne to drag him onto the unemployment line with him fits under this category as well.

He’s too reliant on Cowboy castoffs. Yes, both Bill Parcells and general manager Jeff Ireland came from Dallas along with Sparano, but Sparano is the guy who signs off on personnel moves. Way too often, this group has targeted rejects from Dallas, and when those guys lose jobs to Cowboys players that brutally underachieved this year, that tells you everything. Unfortunately, this brings back memories of Prick Saban drafting only SEC players or kids he recruited once upon a time, one of the many reasons for his cowardly departure.

He’s a horribly bad fit for the new ownership. Steve Ross announced his arrival at Dolphins headquarters by courting every Latino pop star and C-list celeb who would answer his calls. He’s Little Havana’s answer to Jerry Jones, more interested in the glitz, glam and pub than football. So, needless to say, an owner looking to turn Miami football into an event (like Heat basketball) isn’t going to fall in love with a coach who looks more like a sanitation worker in clothes that don’t fit and loves to play for field position and 13-9 victories. The bottom line is Ross wants to fill seats, and Sparano’s style simply isn’t going to make that an achievable priority.

His tenuous status is already working against him. With all the hubbub about when, not if, he’ll be shit-canned, Sparano finds himself in an exceedingly difficult position: Who is going to want to join the staff of a potentially dead-man-walking coach when offensive coordinator Dan Henning retires after this season? Better yet, what top candidate will want to come when they may -- legitimately -- feel they have a better resume for the head coaching job than the current coach does?

He’s done little to justify passing up sure-thing candidates. The presence of proven commodities like Bill Cowher and Jon Gruden sitting in announcing booths thinking about which job they’d like best hurts young, unproven coaches like Sparano more than most. You have to think some franchise is going to be willing to be a year early in giving up on a coach so as not to miss out on guys like Cowher and Gruden, who likely won’t be around if you need to let Sparano go next year. And to be brutally honest, Sparano simply hasn’t given any reasons to believe a Dolphins team under his leadership would be better in 2011 than one led by someone like Cowher or Gruden.

He’s got a moustache. I like Sparano, I do; but the motorcycle-cop look is pretty hard to take seriously on an NFL sideline. And to be perfectly honest, Miami has already failed in a really, really big way with a mustachioed coach in Dave Wannstedt. The bottom line is Sparano should have shaved the ‘stache the day he got the job.

So there you have it: Nine reasons Sparano will lose his job vs. nine reasons he’ll keep it. We’ll find out in a matter of days which argument wins out in the end.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

PROS: Reasons Why Tony Sparano Should Keep His Job In Miami


On the heels of wrapping up a 1-7 home record and in danger of a second consecutive losing season headed into the finale Sunday, Tony Sparano is in more danger than (#mandatorysopranosjokefollows) “Big Pussy” was after being discovered as a rat. Everyone from Bill Cowher to Jon Gruden to Brian Billick has been discussed as a potential successor, but in this immediate-news world, folks are picking over Sparano’s bones way too early. So I offer up a “Pros” list for why Miami might retain Sparano.

He’s fiery and no-nonsense. Yes, his fist pumps for field goals are becoming the butts of jokes, but that’s what happens when you’re losing. He’s emotional, and I think that’s a good thing for a franchise and a fanbase that has had to fabricate energy over the past dozen years or more.

He’s offensive-minded. OK, fill in your own jokes here, because Miami has been admittedly moribund (yep, I like that word) this year. But for too long, the Dolphins have relied on defensive-minded coaches and philosophies, and if the team could just find a quarterback it trusts, it would be refreshing to have a guy who understands and respects that side of the ball.

He’s proven himself willing to make moves on his staff. Jettisoning Paul Pasqualoni and replacing him with Mike Nolan as defensive coordinator was one of the only bright spots of the 2010 campaign. He changed out special teams coaches midseason when the third phase cost Miami a couple of early games. Of course, the pessimist could argue that he’s putting the wrong guys in place to begin with, but I respect a coach who recognizes a problem and is willing to rectify it.

He deserves a season outside of Parcells’s shadow. He and general manager Jeff Ireland were initially labeled the “Tuna Helpers,” seen only as sycophantic “yes” men for Bill Parcells. With Parcells slinking out of town a failure, quitting on the team he was trying to create, it could be argued that Sparano and Ireland have earned the right to have an offseason and regular season without the Tuna around. This is also another way of saying that it’s too soon, that three years isn’t long enough to determine his worth as a coach despite the troubling trending in the win-loss column.

He treats the fans and media with respect. This is a small thing, seemingly and admittedly, but I spend a lot of money and time following this team. There have been way too many douchebags coaching the Dolphins since Shula left, so I can appreciate the way Sparano interacts with the local scribes, although that relationship has been strained as the losses have mounted. So even though this doesn’t impact the bottom line of wins and losses, I’m still including it because it is important to me to have a coach that I can respect as a person.

His players respect him. This is another welcome change, considering that I got the sense that the players lost respect for Jimmy Johnson (quitter), Nick Saban (insufferable douche) and Cam Cameron (in over his head) in recent years. Sparano has demanded and would have appeared to have earned the respect of his players, and I think that deserves a check mark in his favor.

He wears his sunglasses at night. ‘Nuff said.

He loses weight the right way. Hear that, “Lapband Larry” up there in New York?

He doesn’t broadcast a foot fetish. OK, so this is just another F you to Rex Ryan. I've earned that.

So there you have it: nine iffy reasons that Tony Sparano could earn another year as the head of the Dolphins. Stay tuned for the, um, other side of the argument.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Festivus Is Who We Are


So my company holds a cubicle-decorating contest every year. This year, I won in the category of Best Theme. My theme, obviously, was Festivus. Another Festivus miracle.

Happy Festivus to you and yours ...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 36


#1
The alphabet according to Star Wars? “A is for Ackbar”? Sign me the F up. Very cool and clever.

#2
In the time before he became a quarterback-butt-licking announcer, Ron Jaworski could sling it a bit himself, earning the nickname “The Polish Rifle” during his days with the Philadelphia Iggles. Along those lines, hugely bearded Buffalo signal-caller Ryan Fitzpatrick has gained the moniker, “The Amish Rifle.” Tremendous.

#3
Ever seen an incredible underwater sculpture? This is certainly one of those situations where the picture speaks for itself. Wow.

#4
Dear Sidney Lowe,
Consider this your official warning that any seat you sit on over the next four months will be hot to the touch.
Love and holiday cheer,
Debbie Yow

#5
Say, Donovan McNabb? In the wake of losing your job to Rex Grossman, even Butt Favre thinks it’s high time you called it quits.

#6
Twice in the last couple of weeks, coworkers have claimed that they didn’t complete a project because they didn’t save their work and “lost” it. Um, didn’t that excuse lose any relevancy like a decade ago? How could anyone possibly not save their work in this day and age? Is that the equivalent of “My dog ate my homework” these days?

#7
I keep hearing Rams coach Steve Spagnuolo getting touted for NFL Coach of the Year honors. Yes, he’s had quite a turnaround there in St. Louis, but has there ever been a Coach of the Year who finished the season with a losing record?!
As opposed to the ACC, where they like to shit-can their coaches of the year, then get them cast on “Biggest Loser.”

#8
So Justin Timberlake is unveiling a line of biker gear-themed clothing exclusively for Target. Because that’s where most of the “Sons of Anarchy” and “Hell’s Angels” do their road-wear shopping. Jeezus, can someone just end this jackass already?

#9
A week and a half after undergoing an emergency appendectomy, Matt Cassel started at quarterback for Kansas City and endured a number of tremendous shots without flinching. Matt Cassel is tough.

#10
Another pet peeve: People who use the phrase, “I kid you not.” Really? And is there a reason you decided to turn into fucking Yoda for no reason whatsoever?

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

"Rudolph" Meets The Police



The animated "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was one of my childhood favorites -- hell, who am I kidding, it still is. But despite the dozens of times I've seen it, I never caught on to the fact that Burl Ives can straight pick it on the banjo!

Happy holidays ...

Monday, December 20, 2010

Better Anti-Theft Deterrents




Take note, ADT.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: Scarlett Needs Consoling, Plus Jets Douchebag Wiseguy Should Be Shitcanned


Her marriage ends in two years
A good run for celebrity peers
To dear Scarlett I say
Don’t trust Canadians … eh?
I’m happy to wipe away those tears

SMU cheated every way under the sun
But you know, at least they won
Are they listening in Chapel Hill today?
Or rearranging the Carolina Way?
Craig James was a douche, then he raised a douche son

Julian Assange is free on bail
His arrest was an epic fail
They’ve created a monster in WikiLeaks
Behind the curtains, we’re getting secret peeks
Hackers now united to keep him outta jail

Snow has come Raleigh way
But slushy, so no fun to play
Folks flock to the Teeter for milk
Rough driving for ‘necks and their ilk
Just say inside, that’s what I say

The Jets add cheating to the mix
Trip other players for kicks
While ESPN applauds
They’re exposed as frauds
Send their lapband-wearing coach to the sticks

Last time

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Despite Disappointing Finish, The Scooters Rewarded For Surprising Campaign


And just like that, they were gone.

The Scooters were hammered in the playoff semifinals, putting up almost nada beyond Pierre Garcon’s 22-point outburst. In a sickening series of misfortunes, the Saints’ Chris Ivory got injured in the second quarter after quickly piling up 47 yards (five points kick in at 50, then a point for every 10 yards after that) and the Chiefs’ Jamaal Charles was sunk by an emergency appendectomy to normal quarterback Matt Cassell, ending up with just 40 yards. The Broncos’ Kyle Orton put up a stellar MINUS 8 points, while the 49ers’ Michael Crabtree contributed a yard—yep, a single yard (that’s hard to do). Completing the Denver debacle, the Broncos put up exactly three points even though they were facing a horrific Arizona team playing a rookie free agent signal-caller.

Suffice it to say that the entire team imploded on the same day; it was just one of those matchups. Yet it can’t completely take the luster off a gutty season that saw an 8-5-1 record, a 7-2 division mark and a Central Division championship -- all despite losing seven starters for multiple games due to injury during the course of the campaign. Wow (luckily, I had a strong draft). So while I’m reduced to wondering what might have been possible with a fully stocked and healthy lineup, I’m still proud of the fellas.

Which means it’s annual (well, at least 2009 and 2007 as well) awards time. Giddyup.

The Annual Clemson Fast Start, Late Implosion Award: Eddie Royal, WR, Denver
Taking a flyer on Royal in the 10th round looked like a helluva move after he tallied 39 points in the first four weeks of the season. Orton was looking his way an awful lot and seemed to be a security blanket of sorts for the quarterback. Little could anyone have known that Royal would go on to score more than two points in only one other week the rest of the way.

Jim Kelly Annual Choker of the Year: Kyle Orton, QB, Denver
Last year’s Comeback Player of the Year is this year’s Choker of the Year; my, how quickly things change in fantasy football. Granted, Orton’s 42 points helped me earn a playoff berth in the regular-season finale, but he followed that up with a combined -10 points (-2 in the first round, -8 in the semifinals) in my playoff run. His disappearance was one of a few in the semis, but it was impossible to overcome at a position where you need around 20 points a week just to remain competitive.


Braylon Edwards Bustout Player of the Year: Kenny Britt, WR, Tennessee
Despite getting in bar fights, being criticized for immaturity from all sides and essentially acting like a bitch a lot, Britt was phenomenal once he got going this season. He racked up five straight games with a touchdown, capped by a 225-yard, three-score outburst before going down with a hamstring injury for a crucial six-week stretch. Which leads us to …

Bo Jackson “What Might Have Been” Award: Britt/Kevin Kolb, QB, Philadelphia
There is no telling the type of numbers Britt might have put up had he not torn his hammy—it is scary what he was doing up until that time. On the other hand, Kolb had the misfortune of getting concussed in the second quarter of the season, and even though he reappeared briefly after Michael Vick got hurt, he quietly disappeared yet again as Vick put up huge numbers. Had Kolb stayed healthy and put up the numbers that I—and most observers—expected, my team would have been almost insanely stacked: Kolb, Frank Gore, Jamaal Charles, Megatron, Britt, Pierre Garcon … wow. Yet because of the rotten Kolb luck, I had to deal Megatron for Orton and Michael Crabtree, which ended up getting me to the playoffs, but still, it is frightening to think of how loaded the Scooters might have been had the injury gods shone on us.

Darrell Jackson Honorary Clutch Player of the Year: Pierre Garcon, WR, Indianapolis
Garcon was a mystery most of the season, but his 22-point outing on the Thursday of my playoff semifinals matchup launched me into the weekend on a high note. Unfortunately, he was the only one of the Scooters who showed up for the ultra-important elimination game, but he was huge when it counted.

Mike Tyson Memorial Manic-Depressive Player of the Year: Orton/Michael Crabtree, WR, San Francisco
After a five-week start to the season that saw him post fewer than 30 points just once, Orton got on the rollercoaster just after I traded for him (not uncoincidentally). The next stretch went 14, 12, 24, bye, 44, 11, 42, -2, -8.
Similarly, Crabtree almost incomprehensibly had SEVEN weeks this year where he had exactly zero points—including the last two, which happened to coincide with my playoff games. Basically, this douche was going to get you 13 points or none, and you just could never tell.

Honorary John Avery Bust/Bitch of the Year: Marion Barber, RB, Dallas
It wasn’t all his fault, but Barber was an unmitigated disaster this season. The staff couldn’t seem to make up their minds when and if they wanted to use him, played favorites with Felix Jones and then relegated him to spot duty before he got hurt. Maybe I should have seen the writing on the wall, but then again, there’s a reason why Wade Phillips got shit-canned during the season.

Most Consistent Player, Sponsored By IRS: Frank Gore, RB, San Francisco
Sure, he got injured at the worst possible time for me, essentially ending my championship dreams, but Gore was a dynamo and a workhorse on a really bad team all season long. He was good for double-digit scoring essentially every week, and though he didn’t score as many touchdowns as one would like, he was a yardage machine all year long.


Curtis Enis Huge Disappointment Award: Vikings, D/ST, Minnesota
When the Minnesota defense/special teams was on the board in the seventh round and other Ds were already going off the board, I thought I landed a coup in the Vikings. Yet injury after injury devastated Minnesota’s back seven (and some migraines for Percy Harvin), turning them into an enormous fantasy liability. A couple of respectable late-season showings were timely, but overall, they degenerated into an unplayable defense at key stretches of the season.

Dan Marino Annual Best Draft Pick: Britt
I actually had a couple of good choices here, which is always a good problem to have for your team. I’m going with Britt because he went in the 11th round as my fourth wideout, and even with his inopportune injury, emerged as one of the more dynamic receivers in the NFL when he was healthy.

Honorary Ryan Leaf Worst Draft Pick: Kolb/Barber
Again, there were extenuating circumstances in both of these situations, but the harsh reality is that this dud duo represented my fourth- and fifth-round picks. I overcame both crappy selections with some nice later-round pickups, but the whole what-might-have-been question raises its ugly head with these guys.

Jim Jensen Unsung Player: Zach Miller, TE, Oakland
He was simply not the same after he suffered a foot injury he tried to play with for weeks, but he had a tremendous five-game stretch early in the campaign that saw him put up 65 points—stellar for a tight end. He totaled exactly six points the rest of the way (ouch), but he joins a long line of Scooters players who were in the midst of stellar seasons until injury waylaid them.

Eugene Robinson Solicitation’s Lesson Learned Player: Reggie Bush, RB, New Orleans
I loved the selection of Bush in the eighth round as my fourth running back as a hedge against Barber. Based on receiving yardage alone, he was worth the pick, and considering how hard he ran at the end of the Super Bowl championship year, I figured he’d get more of an opportunity in traditional sets in 2010. Unfortunately, any and all plans for Bush were ended when he broke his leg in Week 2. All in all, 2010 is not going to be a great year for Bush to look back on—on any level.

Jamaal Charles Waiver Wire Pickup of the Year: Chris Ivory, RB, New Orleans
I snuck Ivory off the waiver wire late in the regular season without any other owner claiming him, which is incredible in our league. He responded with four touchdowns in two weeks for the Scooters, giving my squad a vital boost at a crucial time. Unfortunately, he got hurt after getting off to a great start in the semifinals, yet another Scooters performer to fall victim to the injury curse at the worst possible moment.
Ivory’s ascension was huge at a most important time, which narrowly edged him out over Miami kicker Dan Carpenter. With 10 field goals in a two-week span, Carpenter was a fantasy beast for most of the season, and since his acquisition coincided with the loss of San Diego’s Nate Kaeding due to injury, his was a vital pickup for the Scooters.


Brian Urlacher Team MVP: Jamaal Charles, RB, Kansas City
I scooped Charles off waivers late last year (hence the name of the award above), then made him my third-rounder this year. Despite some rather mind-numbing delegation of carries with Thomas Jones (especially early in the season), Charles was nothing short of beastly all year long. He ripped off yardage on the ground and through the air every week, despite a head-scratching lack of touchdowns. Of course, like the rest of the team, he went into the Scooters’ Bermuda Triangle in the semifinals, but that can’t take the luster off what was a tremendous season for Charles.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A Sequel To "Bad Santa"?



I have no idea how he bounced back so quickly after head-butting the christ out of a bumper like that.

Pure epicness.