Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 18, NFL Draft Edition

#1
The NFL Draft always reminds me of Miami passing on Florida State wideout Anquan Boldin in the second round years ago because they needed a linebacker. So they picked Tennessee’s Eddie Moore, who promptly followed up a season-ending injury by getting knocked the fuck out in a bar fight. Of course, Boldin went on to be a Pro Bowler with Arizona.
Let’s just say that getting into an off-the-field fight as an NFL player is bad enough. Losing it -- and badly -- is perhaps a good indication that you’re not quite going to make it as a linebacker in the league.

#2
Did anyone else have a heart-stopping moment when offensive lineman Trent Williams was referred to as “The Silverback” by the commissioner after he was picked by the Washington Redskins? Very cringe-worthy moment there. And besides, isn’t that Julius Peppers’s nickname?

#3
Further proof that ESPN just doesn’t get it: They need way less Steve Young and more Mel Kiper Jr. I know he’s had concussions and all, but Young incoherently rambling on forced me to switched to the NFL Network for draft coverage.

#4
New Seattle tackle Russell Okung looks like the Miller Lite beer repo man, Windell Middlebrooks.

#5
I’m slowly warming up to Mike Mayock, the NFL Network scout. His comment on new Green Bay tackle Brian Baluga: “That’s the face of Iowa … look at the size of his head!”

#6
Half the time, the ESPN guys just come across as lost, dazed and confused. The best moment came when they couldn’t understand Denver’s tradeup and subsequent selection of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow; basically, they were being told that Tebow was picked, but they couldn’t tell who picked him. Hearing a flustered, past-his-prime Chris Berman snapping at his on-set colleagues to be quiet was epic.

#7
The goddam Patsies?! Say it ain’t so, Torry Holt. Say it ain’t so …

#8
I usually appreciate Marshall Faulk on NFL Network, but he was off his game seemingly the entire draft. Here was his comment on California running back Jahvid Best: “He has the ability to catch the ball out of the air … … when he sees it.”

#9
Anytime there’s live draft coverage of 20 black folks in a room waiting on a selection, look in the corner of the screen. See that one out-of-place white dude in a suit standing off in the corner, watching his back, looking nervous and pretending to be absorbed by his iPhone? He’s the agent. You’re welcome.

#10
Slow-clap for Rich Eisen on the NFL Network, discussing Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen sliding down the draft: “Jimmy’s fallin’ … Jimmy’s getting’ upset!” I’m sure Clausen and his family likely didn’t appreciate it that much, but a hilarious “Seinfeld” reference always works for me. Unfortunately, as is the case way too often with Eisen, he went to it the well a second time later, ruining the joke.

Defense, Linebackers Order Of The Day In Dolphins Draft

The Dolphins draft this year reminded me (*insert dry heave here*) of when Lil’ Nicky Satan was the head man and drafted only players that he coached at LSU, played against in the SEC, or recruited at one point or another. Miami’s staff coached in the Senior Bowl this year, which gave them an opportunity to put a lot of these guys through the paces and work them out extensively. While I want to believe that using the first four picks on players they coached in that game shows that they took full advantage of that opportunity, I also have to wonder whether it is a bit shortsighted and sends the message that they don’t trust their scouts enough. Food for thought.

There is also an ancillary (look it up) concern that Miami is stockpiling a lot of white, slow players from the Big 10, a league that has pretty much jumped the shark as a national power. I feel the ‘Fins have suffered from a relative lack of speed and playmaking ability on defense for a few years now, so I have to question whether they did enough to address that concern in this draft.

However, taking an optimistic view (like the one espoused here), this is a solid, sound draft, if you believe the premise that Miami stuck to their board and value chart throughout. I have an issue with not addressing some offseason priorities and picking a tight end or a kick returner -- hell, they didn’t take a skill-position player at all -- and waiting so long to target a safety, but beyond that, the Dolphins attacked their weak defense with abandon. The hope is that all of these defensive additions (seven of eight picks on that side of the ball), combined with the addition of defensive coordinator Mike Nolan, will pay huge dividends in 2010. While taking so many linebackers seemed excessive, you do have to keep in mind that Jason Taylor, Joey Porter and Akin Ayodele were all jettisoned this offseason.

Finally, when you diagnose this eight-man haul, you’re better-served by considering it a 10-man haul. Don’t forget that dynamic wideout Brandon Marshall and former San Diego linebacker Tim Dobbins were landed in trades using picks from this draft (and in Marshall’s case, a second-rounder next year as well), so when you take those two into consideration as well, it begins to take shape as a potentially special draft.

Anyway, here’s a quick player-by-player (you can click on the individual name for a draft profile from NFL.com) look at Miami’s Class of 2010 …

First Round, #28 Overall: DE/DT Jared Odrick, Penn StateThe Dolphins made a somewhat-confusing trade-down from the #12 overall pick, netting the #28 and #40 picks from the Chargers, along with backup inside linebacker and special-teamer. Miami also apparently switched spots in the fourth round (dropping back from #110 to #126) and sent a sixth-rounder to San Diego in the deal. In retrospect, I question whether the ‘Fins got enough in the deal, but they were rather desperate to trade down and recoup the second-rounder, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt (and hope Dobbins is something more than anticipated).
As to Odrick, he’s supposed to be a high-energy player, but there are concerns that he’s a ‘tweener—not quite big enough to play the nose in a 3-4 alignment and not quite athletic enough to play defensive end either. Checking in at 6-5, 304 pounds, there were questions about how often Odrick loses his feet, but Miami appeared to grab him in the right spot, though the question becomes how he can be most effectively used in a rotation with Philip Merling, Tony McDaniel, Randy Starks, Kendall Langford, etc.
On a side note, this selection is supposed to make more sense based on the revelation that Starks, who racked up seven sacks as an end last year, would be moving to nose tackle. Now, there’s little doubting that Merling, in particular, has been an underachiever, so the possibility exists that Odrick comes in, wins a starting job and Starks handles nose duties well despite his limited size. But the potential is certainly there for this question to be answered in the affirmative: does this actually make the Dolphins weaker at two positions (nose tackle and defensive end)? Reeks a little bit of desperation to me, so stay tuned.

Second Round, #40 Overall: OLB Koa Misi, Utah
Some viewed this as a good value pick, some think it was a reach. All I know is that Miami loves freaking Samoans and also love kids from Utah (*shrug*). This selection was thrown into even more confusion when general manager Jeff Ireland was reportedly discussing the wrong guy in attributing three sacks to Misi that were actually notched by someone else. Odd, to say the least.
At 6-3, 251, is Misi big enough to hold up against the run? As an over-achiever type, he was not super-productive at Utah, so how high is his ceiling?
I dig the emphasis on four-year players with high motors, but I’m just not sure I see this pick. I just have this sinking feeling that passing on Texas end/linebacker Sergio Kindle (to Baltimore at pick #43, which was Miami’s original slot before the Brandon Marshall trade) is going to come back to haunt the ‘Fins in a big way.

Third Round, #79 Overall: OL John Jerry, Mississippi
This was a kid that Miami fell in love with at the Senior Bowl, but with so many tremendous players till on the board, this was a luxury pick that the Dolphins simply couldn’t afford, in my estimation. He’s massive at 6-5, 328 pounds, but the ‘Fins have invested a shit-ton of time, money and resources in the offensive line, and with so many needs elsewhere, I’m not sure I can buy this guy as a too-good-to-pass-up pick. Guard is something of a need, but Miami had and still does have bodies to throw at the spot.
On the plus side, at least Jerry provided the line of the day when he was asked about his injury history and responded that he “had hemorrhoids once, but that’s about it.”

Fourth Round, #119 Overall: LB A.J. Edds, Iowa
For the fourth straight pick, Miami tabbed a kid that the Dolphins coaches got to work with up close and personal at the Senior Bowl. With a selection that was traded from the Colts to the Patsies to the ‘Fins, Miami gets another Big 10 defender who could have a future as a nickel/cover linebacker—he grabbed five picks as a senior. At 6-4, 246 pounds, he’s got good size for the 3-4, but there is no consensus as to his athleticism. The interception total would seem to indicate good instincts and he has been credited with leadership and nonstop-motor qualities, but I would say there were still lots of good safeties on the board.
To me, here’s where the Chargers trade could have hurt Miami: by dropping back from #110 to #126 (and then back up to #119) in this round, Miami missed out on BYU tight end Dennis Pitta, a personal favorite at a position of high need for the Dolphins. I understand the need for 3-4 linebackers, but let’s be serious about it—after adding six linebackers this offseason, Miami will bring 14 into minicamps and potentially training camp. How many linebackers are they planning on carrying? And carrying that argument forward, how many of these draft picks are just going to end up getting cut anyway?

Fifth Round, #145 Overall: CB Nolan Carroll, MarylandI live in ACC country and cover ACC football for Pack Pride. And I’ve never heard of this kid. So I guess it makes sense that this is the draft pick Miami got for Ned Ginn, because all indications are that this guy is a super athlete with huge durability and injury concerns. At 5-11, 204 pounds, he has solid size for the corner position and could eventually develop into a nickel or dime back, but I guess I would feel a lot better about this selection if the kid has some level of kick-return ability, which is yet another huge need for the Dolphins. It’s hard to get too caught up in calling a fifth-round guy a reach, but most seem to feel that they were much better values still on the board at this stage.


Fifth Round, #163 Overall: FS Reshad Jones, Georgia
Finally, the ‘Fins tab a safety, but they have to trade up to do it. The word is that some had Jones as a third-round talent, so Miami traded up to get him with a selection that was alternately owned by the Rams, the Saints, the Eagles and the Redskins at one point or another.
The 6-1, 214-pound Jones has been described as a head hunter, a guy who aims for the hit that sends guys to the sidelines rather than going for interceptions. If that’s the case, he’s more of a strong safety type, which means he’s not a good fit for Miami, which has an enormous need at free safety. He fell because some scouts considered him a sloppy tackler who doesn’t always play the defense to his assignment, so he is a huge question mark in transitioning to play center field for the ‘Fins. Some local beat writers are penciling Jones in as a possible starter right off the bat (get it, center field?) for Miami, but I think they are grossly overestimating this kid’s ability to learn a new system, change his mentality on the field and adjust to new positional responsibilities.
All that being said, grabbing an SEC safety in the fifth round certainly can’t be a bad thing for a team that has struggled at the position for seemingly a generation. Keeping all the above in mind, Jones could be the one who makes the difference between a bad, average, good or great draft.

Seventh Round, #212 Overall: LB Chris McCoy, Middle Tennessee State
After losing a sixth-rounder in the trade-up to get Jones, Miami lands a small-school conversion prospect here. At 6-4, 244, McCoy was a defensive end on the college level, but will have to make the switch to outside linebacker in the Dolphins’ 3-4 scheme in order to make a dent in the pro ranks in the aqua and orange. The ‘Fins landed this pick from the Chiefs last year, so if you’re going to take a chance on a positional changer, this is a great spot to do so.

Seventh Round, #252 Overall: LB Austin Spitler, Ohio StateYou guessed it: another freaking linebacker. With a compensatory pick, the Dolphins secured a guy who has been tabbed a “workout warrior”—which can be code for a good athlete who underachieved in college. The good news is that Spitler could be a late bloomer who can find a home on special teams and develop into something down the road, because he has good measurables at 6-3, 234, to go along with leadership qualities. At this stage of the draft, there’s really very little you can argue with, and even for a guy who hates the Buckeyes, I think this is a kid that could actually find a role in Miami.

"Um, Bakery? How Much Do You Charge To Paint That Birthday Cake All Black?"

Now, I didn't know Maggie, but dear lord, I have to think she deserved better than this. Can we at least get some goddam Whiteout involved for her sake?

Ouch.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXV: Good Riddance To The Bitch In Cleats, Plus Be Wary Of The MIB, Jack

Ned Ginn, you were the jokes’ butts
‘Cuz your drops drove us all nuts
No more sideline dashes
Or assuming the fetal position on the hashes
Hope you someday find some guts

A flaming oil rig is a fearful sight
It burned and sank into the night
11 workers are missing as of this post
As crude oil pollutes the Louisiana coast
Happy goddam Earth Day, right?

It was around the time of Lent
When the Pope urged all to repent
For the scandal that rocked the church
Sitting on a hypocritical perch
Can faith be restored on prayers heaven-sent?

A trade-down came eventually
So obvious even Stevie Wonder could see
They say this Odrick can play
Better than the Jared from Subway
But we need a lot more on Days 2 and 3

Sun and Jin reunited with a wow
Sawyer’s double-cross backfired with a pow
Jack was in a daze
So MIB said with intense gaze,
“You’re with me now”

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 17

#1
I can’t tell you how much I would pay for a Doug Heffernan bobblehead doll. Hell, for that matter, I would also kill for a George Costanza one as well.

#2
Brandon Marshall and a fifth-rounder for Ned Ginn and two second-rounders? Sold.

#3
Not to dwell on Ned Ginn too much, because he took an insane amount of heat in Miami, and even though it was deserved, it’s not like the guy ever embarrassed the team off the field or anything. But his “fuck” and “bitch”-laden Twitter tirade was just more proof that it was time for him to go -- anywhere. And note to Ned: Don’t have a Twitter account if you can’t handle the occasional buttnugget weighing in with some criticism.
And best of luck in San Francisco … seems like the right town for you.

#4
So KFC has a new sandwich called the Bunless Double-Down Sandwich, which replaces the buns on a chicken sandwich with more, well, chicken. I honestly thought it was an SNL sketch ("Pizza?! Now that’s what I call a taco!") the first time I saw it.

#5
Strong speculation is that Wolfpack rising junior guard Julius Mays is transferring out of the program after recognizing that he won’t be seeing many minutes in the next couple of years as the Pack dramatically upgrades its backcourt talent. I for one will always remember Mays as only State player who played with any heart at all during the ACC Tournament loss to Maryland in 2008-09, when he dropped in a career-best 18 points.
Best of luck to Mays wherever he ends up.

#6
I had vomit-accompanied déjà vu when Jack W. Bauer dropped a “nucular” during a recent episode of “24.”

#7
“Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.” Learn it. Know it. Live it.

#8
Another clue to some of the answers to “Lost” was revealed when the Man In Black admitted that he had occasionally taken the form of dead loved ones in order to influence the survivors for his own purposes. So some of the “ghosts” are those who are essentially in purgatory and can’t “move on” (Michael’s words) while others are appropriated by the MIB for mischievous reasons.
There is also a theory that Desmond is replacing Jacob as the “fix-it man” while Jack is being groomed to replace the MIB as the “mischief man.” However, a more plausible theory could be that Desmond is trying to reunite the survivors to force those off the island to remember their on-island lives, thus blending and merging the alternate timelines. Also, is the “mysterious child” the judge between good and evil?
Carry on.

#9
Hey C.J. Leslie, Kate Gosselin thinks you’re attention-starved. Quit looking for a spotlight that isn’t there and make a big-boy decision.

#10
Coupla thoughts about Jason Taylor to the New York Jets, outside of the do-I-even-have-to-say-it dry-heaving reaction. First thing to keep in mind is Taylor has the Miami media in his pocket, so you have to take half the reaction from the hand-wringing, up-in-arms columnists with a grain of salt, because their opinions are rife with his ready-made phrasing. The second thing is that the Dolphins do have a lot to learn about PR, lest they travel down the road of Jimmy Johnson and combine failure with fan acrimony. I agree with Zach Thomas in that there is a right and wrong way to treat a player who is and was a pillar of the franchise, and too often, Miami is taking the wrong way.
All that being said, F you JT. You still chose to dance with the devil.

Tina Fey Brings Back The Palin Funny ...

... complete with bizarre, Jacko-esque, zippery leather jacket.

“Couples Retreat” Gave Me A Bit Of Deja Peeee-yew!

This is likely not how the braintrust behind “Couples Retreat” would like for their movie to be described right off the bat in a review, but the only way for me to get started is by saying that it was not quite as bad as I thought it would be. Now, don’t get me wrong, it was pretty weak -- but it did at least have some funny and entertaining scenes, which is all I usually ask out of a Vince Vaughn vehicle.

“Couples Retreat” felt like it had almost the exact same cast as “The Break-Up,” and it was directed by Peter Billingsley (“Ralphie” from “Christmas Story”) and written by Vaughn, Jon Favreau and Dana Fox. The plot pretty much centered around middle-aged white douches with hot wives bitching about the predictability and stress of their lives, until one of the couples reveals that they are going to paradise (filmed in Bora Bora) in a last-ditch effort to save their marriage (the PowerPoint presentation detailing the pros and cons of divorce was amusing). However, they can only afford it if all their friends go as well, as part of a group rate. Faizon Love makes an appearance as the token black buddy, but I’m going on record as saying that every movie needs an obese black man who farts a lot. On a side note, apparently the black stars of the flick were airbrushed out of international versions of the movie poster, which caused a bit of a controversy.

When the destination resort isn’t exactly what they expected it to be, the rest of the film unfolds pretty much how you’d expect, with the normal dosage of sophomoric, scatological and homoerotic humor. There was a shark scene that was slightly scary for me, but interestingly, the two scenes of adultery were removed (included in the deleted scenes), possibly to keep the PG-13 rating. I did find myself wishing that the Chinese therapist, the hilarious Ken Jeong, got more face-time, but apparently the think-tank behind “Couples Retreat” felt that the 10-minute advertisement for Guitar Hero was more essential to the story.

For me, the highlight was the awesome scene of a kid peeing (and then dropping a deuce) in a floor model toilet, an occurrence I may or may not have partaken in as a child. Vaughn’s line of “There’s really not much to say here” after a long, awkward stare-down with the store employees was priceless.

Unfortunately, when the bright spot of a flick is when a 6-year-old takes a dump in a fake toilet, then, well, you get the picture of just what you’re getting with “Couples Retreat.”

Tarra And Bella Define Tolerance

It's getting a little dusty in here.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXIV: Mickelson’s Masters Made It Dusty In Here, Plus Everybody Loves Hugo

One has a wife who is sick
Another is a cheating prick
Good vs. evil storylines
Amidst Augusta’s storied pines
Congrats again, Philly Mick

You wonder why Dallas has stunk?
Here’s Jerry Jones, pretty drunk
He had a few vodkas on the rocks
Then went under for more botox
Goodell’s on line one, you goddam punk

Earthquakes striking in Chinese Taipei
Volcanic ash hanging over the UK
A meteor in the Midwest
A tea party causing unrest
End of the world, or will it all be OK?

A second-rounder in the next two drafts, each?
Perhaps that’s a bit of a reach?
He’s an asshole, is the Beast
But necessary in the AFC East
Dear lordy, keep him away from South Beach

Hugo and Libby renewed hearts
Ilana met the fate of Artz
Michael’s in purgatory if you connect the dots
Desmond ran down Locke in school lots
Des and Mystery Boy, playing bigger parts

Last time …

That Enormous Gulp You Heard Was Miami Finally Nabbing Its Very Own “Diva Receiva”

On Tuesday of this week, I started putting together some notes for a post about the Miami Dolphins’ draft plans (April 22 -- coming up quick!). While speculation has abounded about who the ‘Fins will take, ranging from Alabama linebacker Rolando McClain to Tennessee nose tackle Dan Williams to Texas defensive end Sergio Kindle to Clemson tailback C.J. Spiller to Texas safety Earl Thomas, much of the hubbub of late centered on Oklahoma State wideout Dez Bryant. So my plan was to put together a post detailing the wisdom of taking Bryant with the No. 12 overall pick vs. trading for Denver Broncos malcontent receiver Brandon Marshall.

My argument was going to focus on the devil you know (can dominate) in Marshall vs. the devil you don’t (know can produce) in Bryant. In my line of thinking, if you think you want to take Bryant that high, then shouldn’t you try to deal with a proven 26-year-old in Marshall? I won’t say that they have some similar off-the-field concerns, because Bryant has never been arrested (despite a frighteningly difficult past) and Marshall has had domestic abuse, assault, disorderly conduct and drunk driving incidents. However, immaturity is a huge question mark for both, and in that scenario, if you do your due diligence, wouldn’t you go for the guy who already has three straight 100-catch seasons vs. the guy who has the problems AND question marks around his ability to produce on the NFL level?

Say Miami passes on Marshall and takes Bryant 12th overall in the draft. What do they have? A possible No. 1 receiver with enough baggage and concerns that he’ll immediately be in the crosshairs as a rookie with access to South Beach. But say they trade for Marshall -- what do they have then? One of the top three wide receivers in the NFL with a lot of baggage and concerns -- PLUS the No. 12 overall pick to grab someone like Williams, Thomas or Kindle (please, no Spiller, but that’s a story for another day) or even trade down to recoup that second-rounder and make a better value pick later in the first round.

And certainly, it’s not as cut and dried as that, but apparently the logic entered the equation at some point for Miami, because the day after I started work on the blog post about this very subject, the ‘Fins held their collective nose and pulled the trigger on a deal for Marshall on Wednesday, sending a pair of second-rounders to Denver for the right to make Marshall potentially the highest-paid wideout in the NFL and the right to pray like the bejeezus that no one ever tells Marshall where South Beach is. And hopefully the second second-rounder (in the 2011 draft) is conditional … in the sense that if Marshall is cuffed and stuffed by the time the 2011 Draft rolls around, it drops down to a sixth-rounder.

It’s an interesting move on a number of fronts for Miami. Marshall is a complex guy, charming one second and coming off as a colossal douchebag the next (check his “Outside the Lines” dossier). I’m sure the truth is somewhere in the middle, but he falls in line with my unresearched theory about how so many of these guys are really using misguided ways to find the father figure they have never had in their lives. If coach Tony Sparano, vice president Bill Parcells and general manager Jeff Ireland can get Marshall motivated (despite a big contract) and focused, there are many who believe Marshall could be the most dangerous offensive threat in the NFL. However, this also could be the ultimate risk-and-reward operation, with Marshall just as likely to take the big bucks, get in more trouble and see himself suspended for an entire season or more. Ultimately, this is the decision that the Miami braintrust -- whose reputation has far outweighed its success thus far -- will be measured on for its entire tenure.

The Dolphins believe they can control him. The Dolphins believe he’s not the guy who acted like a pouty 9-year-old in Denver practices. The Dolphins believe that now that he’s married, he’ll find some stability in his life.

And the Dolphins have 24,000,002 reasons (a rumored $24 million guaranteed plus two second-rounders) to really, really want to convince themselves to believe these things.

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 16

#1
I kind of dig where “Flashforward” is going. But I think they’d better get there a little quicker than “Lost,” because I get the sense that they’re not going to get as much time to reveal all the answers.

#2
I’ve always felt Donovan McNabb was pretty overrated (marking the one and only time I have ever agreed with pill-popping fraud Rush Limbaugh on anything). But even I was surprised that the Iggles traded him within the division to the Redskins. I guess Philly figures that if the ‘Skins ever actually contend for the NFC East title, McNabb will play to form and choke in the biggest game?

#3
Pet peeve #614: People who don’t understand body language. Say, for instance, you have a chair in your cubicle, and you always put your bag on it, yet someone likes to come into your cube, move your bag and sit their fat arse down and start talking to you. Meanwhile, you’re using every non-verbal cue in your repertoire to communicate to this person that you would like them to leave without having to tell them that they are the most annoying fucking person on Earth. Next step: leaving a goddam cinder block in the chair.

#4
Peeps have so many chemicals that after a period of time passes, the material inside them becomes concrete-like, capable of withstanding untold exposure to the elements without losing its adhesive qualities. Legend has it that you can see an ongoing exhibit of this phenomenon under the Round Table at the Profile.

#5
Congratulations, Coach Krazooski. Teaching players to constantly flop as part of an effort to ruin the college game notwithstanding, eight title game appearances and four championships is crazy.
Now, get the F over yourself and learn how to take a goddam joke.

#6
Not that I don’t enjoy hearing a “joke” a good 9 or 10,000 times, but can we finally retire the whole Duke-New Jersey bit? On top of being unfunny and untrue, it’s just downright lazy and played out by about 20 years. Carry on.

#7
Ollie Purnell getting $15 million over seven years to coach at DePaul? Nice work if you can get it. I don’t think anyone at Clemson noticed, though; they’re too busy trying to convince themselves they should be in the SEC for football. The ACC will miss you, Lou Gossett Jr.

#8
Have to admit I was a big fan of the Presidential bitch-slap on “24.”

#9
So after Jack Bauer takes a bit of time out of his day to bag Renee Walker (half an hour in “real time”; well-played, sir) on “24,” they pull a page out of the James Bond playbook and kill her off 90 seconds after coitus. I’m going to miss her—though not her use of the same face to portray sadness, anger, anguish, surprise, confusion, excitement, depression, turmoil, loneliness, frustration, boredom, suspicion and satisfaction.

#10
I’ve been rather surprised at the lack of feedback on the new NFL Draft format. The first round will take place in prime time (7:30 p.m.) on Thursday, April 22, and the second and third rounds will begin at 6:30 p.m. on Friday, April 23. The last four rounds will start at 10 a.m. on Saturday, April 24.
Gone are the days of having a draft party starting on Saturday morning, passing out after about seven picks, then waking up in time to see who your team takes (goaded by news of fake trades to get your arse moving). Just another great tradition ruined by a pro sports money grab. *sigh*

Creepy-Ass Nike: Just Did It Again

A strange choice by Nike to have the disembodied voice of El-Dick Woods’s dead father conducting an interview referencing his douchebag son’s cheating, pervy ways …



There are a shit-ton of parodies of this ad going around, but here’s two of the few solid ones:




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Uploaded by yardie4lifever2. - More video blogs and vloggers.

If there is a bigger piece of shit than Tiger in all of this, I guess it would have to be Nike? Keep up the great work, you stains.

Guru.com: “Thriftiness” Really Means Cheap As Hell, Plus How Much For A Billboard Top-20 Song?

Title: Detailed Outlines
Category: Writing, Editing & Translation
Description:

I am trying to create 3 articles for a major industry and want a detailed outline for each. This will involve research and creating a 1 page outline per subject. Would like the first one within 12 to 24 hours. Please bid on all 3. Max budget is $30 for all 3.

Content:

Cool, I already have three headlines picked out: “Kiking Writers For Dummies,” “Pinching Nickels ‘Til The Buffalo Shits: The Hebrew Way” and “The Jew’s Guide to Major Industry Research.”
I’m sure your e-mail box couldn’t handle all the responses you got to this one, you colossal douche.


Title: RNB SONG WRITER NEEDED!
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:

Hi All,

Ive just composed a brand new beat and i need some vocals to go with it.
I need to write a song about a "break-up" and how im missing that special someone.
I could not attach the track as it is over the 2mb capacity so i have included the source.

Its track 6 or if thats too difficult to write to then track 9 is also okay. They are located on the small red track menu on the right hand side of the screen. the link is http://www.111entertainment.com/RnBBeatStore/

Anyone out there who can write up
a decent rnb song to the track will be paid anywhere from $250-$500 depending on how good it is.

Please email me if you have any questions.

Regards,
kevin

Comment:

Oh Kevin, so many questions. Why is “break-up” in quotations? You say “how im [sic] missing that special someone,” but how are we to know how much? How do you determine how “good it is” and how that correlates to varying dollar amounts? What does a $500 song sound like? What does a $250 song sound like? Do you have examples? And how would your “special someone” feel about your pimping out your “break-up” for monetary gain?


Title: writing
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:

write poem for $75 ~1,000 words

Comment:

A haiku:

Sparse in language
Sparser in financial terms
Now where’s my money?


Title: AA Sponsor Stories
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:

Project Description:4-6 stories about AA sponsors. Each approx 8-10 pages

Project Purpose:Initial sample to a Polish publisher interested in material

Project Category:Manuscript

Target Audience:Recovering alcoholics

Document Length:40-50 pages

I need the following:Editing

I will provide the following to the professional:Draft

Desired File Format:Word

Project Start Date:April 1 ?

Project Completion Date:Asap

Other way to receive drafts:Word

Comment:

Far be it from me to question the market in Poland for stories written by alcoholics, but … well, fuck it, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. There are so many Polack jokes here that I don’t know where to start.


Title: Screenplay,story and charactor developme
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:

We have a calculated amount of ideas in which we would like to develop screenplay content. We are internally funded and have access to capital to take these projects to development stages. We need a great writers that can transform our concepts into great screenplays and eventually to production of some great entertainment. We believe the right writer will take our projects to the next level.

Content:

I’m sorry, but this just sounds like you want to make porn.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXIII: Duke, Kelly Take Goofy To Painful, Plus Desmond Returns To “Lost” With A Fury

Durham tends to be rather smelly
Duke flops around on their collective belly
But another championship trophy berth
Set up the biggest dork party on Earth
Led by that goofy-ass Ryan Kelly

“Fringe” is back for all to see
Oh, how I’ve missed ye
Walter Bishop is amazing
Agent Dunham is simply blazing
The most underrated show on TV

Now all of Kentucky feels blue
Guess Calipari didn’t use enough hair goo
His team of mercenaries couldn’t shoot
Whether they could beat Dook is now moot
You got what you deserved for hiring a douchie-do

Pregnant Sun shot in the abdomen
On the island, will she ever find Jin?
Sayid can’t feel any emotions
But he can hide under the oceans
That’s how he spotted the “package” -- Desmond!

Electromagnetism is no match for Hume
Alternate realities spell Penny’s doom?
Of Desmond, Widmore was no fan
Now Des is his right-hand man
But so many questions still loom

And a bonus couple to make up for last time …

There once was a QB named McNabb
Most of his time was spent in rehab
Once threw up in a Super Bowl
But to get him the ‘Skins sold their soul
Guess Philly didn’t think he was so fab

Hated Tiki since he played for the ‘Hoos
He’s the latest fraud in the news
Most felt he was an Oreo bitch
Verified by scratching his cheating itch
Left his preggers wife for some flooze

Last last time …

A Begrudging Congrats To The Dookies ...

I Saw The Likeness Of Chris Farley, Not On A Pringle

Greatest. Thing. Ever.

"You Fudging With Me? You Fudging With The Best!"

Elementary school rendition of "Scarface." I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.

You fudging cock-a-roaches.

Classic “Jane Eyre” Calls On Myriad Themes To Evoke Passion, Compassion In Reader

“I had not intended to love him; the reader knows I had wrought hard to extirpate from my soul the germs of love there detected; and now, at the first renewed view of him, they spontaneously revived, green and strong! He made me love him without looking at me.”

“‘Jane, do you mean to go one way in the world, and to let me go another?”

“The vehemence of emotion, stirred by grief and love within me, was claiming mastery, and struggling for full sway and asserting a right to predominate—to overcome, to live, rise, and reign at last; yes, and to speak.”

“Jane Eyre” by Charlotte Brontë has been on my “must read” list for years, and when the time arose when I could put it off no longer, I embarked on this difficult piece with a sense of optimism and anticipation. And while nowhere near an easy read, I found it to be more than worthy of the epic place in literature is has procured for itself, a memorable work that brings to the light one of the most complex and intriguing female protagonists in literary annals.

The opening pages depict the emotional and physical abuse that Jane suffers at the hands of her foster family, especially John, the 14-year-old son of her aunt, Mrs. Reed. Essentially orphaned at a young age, Jane is always seen as an outsider to the Reeds in their home, Gateshead, especially after her uncle passes away, but implores that Mrs. Reed look after Jane, who eventually assumes a “Cinderella”-like role in some ways. After many humiliations and abuses, the first signs of Jane’s independent, temperamental personality emerge when she rips Mrs. Reed to shreds in a very vindicating scene just before she is sent away to a religious boarding school.

“All John Reed’s violent tyrannies, all his sisters’ proud indifference, all his mother’s aversion, all the servants’ partially, turned up in my disturbed mind like a dark deposit in a turbid well. Why was I always suffering, always brow-beaten, always accused, forever condemned? Why could I never please? Why was it useless to try to win any one’s favor?”

“Thus was I severed from Bessie and Gateshead; thus whirled away to unknown, and, as I then deemed, remote and mysterious regions.”

At her distant new school, Lowood, we are exposed to the despicable conditions, where the girls are starved, exposed to the elements and subjected to other forms of abuse under the guidance of the horrific master, Brocklehurst, who reminded me of a former boss who also worshipped the hoarding of money. Under the pretense of religion—like so many—Brocklehurst is proven to be a wicked, evil man, not to mention a hypocrite whose wife and daughters make a showy exhibit of wealth in front of the poor girls. After Brocklehurst assassinates Jane’s character in front of the entire school, he unwittingly makes her a sympathetic figure to the other girls. It is in this setting that Jane meets her first and truest friend, Helen Burns, who becomes a martyr figure, similar to Simon in “Lord of the Flies.” Just as Jane is settling in and finding herself at Lowood, her friend Helen suffers a slow, painful death as a result of the exposed conditions of the school. In a truly sad scene, Jane says goodbye to her friend as she falls asleep in the dead girl’s arms.

“It is far better to endure patiently a smart which nobody feels but yourself, than to commit a hasty action whose evil consequences will extend to all connected with you …”

“‘Because I have been wrongly accused; and you, ma’am, and everybody else, will now think me wicked.’
‘We shall think you what you prove yourself to be, my child.’”


The story then jumps ahead eight years, launching Jane from 10 to 18. We learn that she has been taught to be a woman by one of the teachers, Miss Temple, and that Jane eventually becomes a teacher at Lowood herself. However, she becomes restless, and lamenting her passive, solitary life, her inner desire to rail against male chauvinism and strike out for activity and excitement eventually overcomes her. She submits an advertisement to become a governess within a home, which eventually leads her to Thornfield Hall—where the mercurial Mr. Rochester eventually brings her truly to life.

“I had had no communication by letter or message with the outer world; school rules, school duties, school habits, and notions, and voices, and faces, and phrases, and costumes, and preferences, and antipathies; such was what I knew of existence. And now I felt that it was not enough. I tired of the routine of eight years in one afternoon. I desired liberty; for liberty I gasped; for liberty I uttered a prayer; it seemed scattered on the wind then faintly blowing. I abandoned it, and framed an humbler supplication; for change, stimulus; that petition, too, seemed swept off into vague space. ‘Then,’ I cried, half desperate, ‘grant me, at least, a new servitude!’”

“It is a very strange sensation to inexperienced youth to feel itself quite alone in the world; cut adrift from every connection, uncertain whether the port to which it is bound can be reached, and prevented by many impediments from returning to that it has quitted.”

After difficult interactions to start -- featuring intriguing verbal sparring -- Rochester and Jane eventually begin to see each other as equals, and Rochester eventually wears her down, almost forcing her to fall for him through sheer force of will. His secrets vex her and drag her on, leading her to wonder why he is so moody and malevolent toward his own past. Strange goings on in the middle of the night, seemingly overseen by the mysterious Grace Poole, seem to point out some unknown and unseen riddle. Fighting her passionate feelings, Jane uses all of her strength to put herself in her place and “keep to her caste,” forcing herself to deny all implications of a romantic connection between she and Rochester. This effort becomes ever more difficult with the arrival of a well-to-do set of Rochester’s friends to Thornfield Hall, highlighted by the beautiful, haughty Blanche Ingram, who appears to have caught Rochester’s fancy.

In a somewhat cruel dictate by Rochester, Jane is forced to sit in the corner of the parlor as these rich, shallow creatures vie for attention and money. She reads body language, taking a measure of the room and assigning values through what she sees and reads. Though she considers herself better than Blanche, Jane forgives Rochester’s faults and doesn’t blame him for pursuing Miss Ingram. However, the unexpected arrival of a fortune-teller changes the entire course of events, with the forward-speaking medium accusing Jane of having a small voice inside of her that maintains reason over passion. When a twist reveals that Rochester was posing as the fortune-teller, we see concretely that Rochester feels the same way toward Jane as she does to him. But when a stranger named Mason arrives from Jamaica out of nowhere, and more strange, middle-of-the-night events take place, we are further drawn into the unseen, unexplained mystery of Thornfield Hall.

“I saw them smile, laugh—it was nothing; the light of the candles had as much soul in it as their smile, the tinkle of the bell as much significance as their laugh.”

“‘You never felt jealousy, did you, Miss Eyre? Of course not; I need not ask you; because you never felt love. You have both sentiments yet to experience; your soul sleeps; the shock is yet to be given which shall waken it.’”

“ … You, with your gravity, considerateness, and caution, were made to be the recipient of secrets.”

“When once more alone, I review the information I had got; looked into my heart, examined its thoughts and feelings, and endeavored to bring back with a strict hand such as had been straying through imagination’s boundless and trackless waste, into the safe fold of common sense.”

“That a greater fool than Jane Eyre had never breathed the breath of life: that a more fantastic idiot had never surfeited herself on sweet lies, and swallowed poison as if it were nectar.”


In a dramatic scene during a walk, Rochester is about to propose to Jane when he suddenly stops, and we are led to believe that he is presiding over an internal battle of whether he can both marry below his station and reconcile the past that chases him still. The writing leads us also to believe that Jane is unaware of what is truly happening, or that Rochester is on the verge of proposing to her. When the imminent passing of Mrs. Reed leads Jane to return after so many years, the Rochester subplot is interrupted and we are set onto a path that examines the vast differences in upbringing between Jane and her former cousins and tormenters, Georgiana and Eliza. Upon her return to Thornfield, there is a game of hide and seek in the orchard with Rochester, just prior to the tense offer of engagement. However, when lightning strikes down the tree in the orchard, it’s hard to miss the not-so-subtle promise of foreshadowing and foreboding involved in the potential union.

“‘Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! I have as much soul as you, and full as much heart!”

“‘I ask you to pass through life at my side—to be my second self, and best earthly companion.’”

“But joy soon effaced every other feeling; and loud as the wind blew, near and deep as the thunder crashed, fierce and frequent as the lightning gleamed, cataract-like as the rain fell during a storm of two hours’ duration, I experienced no fear, and little awe.”

“On a dark, misty, raw morning in January, I had left a hostile roof with a desperate and embittered heart—a sense of outlawery and almost of reprobation—to seek the chilly harborage of Lowood, that bourne so far away and unexplored. The same hostile roof now again rose before me; my prospects were doubtful yet; and I had yet an aching heart. I still felt as a wanderer on the face of the earth; but I experienced firmer trust in myself and my own powers, and less withering dread of oppression. The gaping wound of my wrongs, too, was now quite healed, and the flame of resentment extinguished.”

In my estimation, it was a cowardly courtship by Rochester, who is cruel to Jane even if some mistake it as romantic and mysterious. He is always taunting, testing and teasing -- what if Miss Ingram had not balked at the revelation that his worth was a third of what she thought in his “testing” proposal to her? And soon after the engagement of he and Jane, Rochester sets about to try to change Jane, to make her more like Miss Ingram while retaining her independence and will. He is trying to turn her into something she is not, and slave imagery and aggressive terms are used to describe his efforts: dominate, seize, hold, grab, control. There are awkward, confusing and shifting points of view throughout this time, and Jane begins to exert her own power back into the relationship by, essentially, blue-balling Rochester. Under windy, roaring, suspenseful and tension-filled settings that evoke weather as a character, Jane speaks conspiratorially to the reader at times. She eventually has a premonition of Rochester leaving her and a child, then has a vision of a ghost -- but was it actually real?

As the wedding day arrives amidst the overwhelming feeling that something is way wrong, a stranger enters the church to protest the marriage as Jane and Rochester on the altar. Rochester is charged with being already married, with a living wife, and it is revealed that he is married to some kind of mad, drunk she-beast that lives in the attic. After Rochester threatens Jane with violence (again), she must decide between what she wants (Rochester) vs. what she knows is right (leaving him). She flees under cover of night, not trusting herself to resist Rochester to his face, and with no money or possessions, she arrives in the middle of nowhere. Following a manic search for food and work that almost leads her to death from starvation and exposure, Jane stumbles into Marsh End and Moor House, where two sisters and a brother take her in -- despite the fact that Jane is a bit unduly harsh to the maid, Hannah, in my estimation.

“She thought all was fair and legal; and never dreamed she was going to be entrapped into a feigned union with a defrauded wretch, already bound to a mad, bad, and embruted partner!”

“And now I thought; till now I had only heard, seen, moved—followed up and down where I was led or dragged—watched event rush on event, disclosure open beyond disclosure; but now I thought.”

“The whole consciousness of my life lorn, my love lost, my hope quenched, my faith death-struck, swayed full and mighty above me in one sullen mass.”

“Not a human being that ever lived could wish to be loved better than I was loved; and him who thus loved me I absolutely worshipped; and I must renounce love and idol. One drear word comprised my intolerable duty—‘Depart!’”

“No reflection was to be allowed now, not one glance was to be cast back; not even one forward. Not one thought was to be given either to the past or the future. The first was a page so heavenly sweet, so deadly sad, that to read one line of it would dissolve my courage and break down my energy. The last was an awful blank, something like the world when the deluge was gone by.”


Jane eventually accepts a modest position as a teacher at a village schoolhouse that was arranged by St. John Rivers, the priest who had taken her in at Moor House. Here Jane encounters Rosamond Oliver, a beauty who evokes memories of Blanche Ingram even as she vexes St. John and makes him question his dedication to the faith. At this point, Brontë launches into a strange soliloquy on the death of poetry in the middle of another thought and scene. Eventually, the stoic and reserved St. John confides in Jane about his plight; over time, it is revealed that St. John and his sisters that rescued Jane are actually her cousins, and that Jane has been left 20,000 pounds after the death of their shared uncle. She eventually splits the money with her cousins, which allows her to buy a family in some ways.

“Glorious discovery to a lonely wretch! This was wealth indeed!—wealth to the heart!—a mine of pure, genial affections. This was a blessing, bright, vivid, and exhilarating!—not like the ponderous gift of gold—rich and welcome enough in its way, but sobering from its weight.”

She returns to live at Moor House with her cousins, and over time, she eventually becomes dominated by St. John, who almost places her under some kind of spell as part of his efforts to coerce her into becoming his missionary wife. Though he scorns her subtly even as he pursues her, St. John relies on smooth religious rhetoric, nearly convincing her that a loveless marriage in the service of the Lord is the right fate for her. He wears her down and gets her caught up in his rapture, but just as she is on the verge of relenting, she sees a vision and hears confusing voices that appear to be those of Rochester in pain. Never having been able to shake the memory of Rochester after a year, she yields to the vision and elects to go back to Thornfield to determine whatever became of Rochester.

“Perhaps you think I had forgotten Mr. Rochester, reader, amid these changes of place and fortune. Not for a moment. His idea was still with me, because it was not vapor sunshine could disperse, nor a sand-traced effigy storms could wash away; it was a name graven on a tablet, fated to last as long as the marble it inscribed.”

“I was tempted to cease struggling with him—to rush down the torrent of his will into the gulf of his existence, and there lose my own. I was almost as hard beset by him now as I had been once before, in a different way, by another. I was a fool both times. To have yielded then would have been an error of principle; to have yielded now would have been an error of judgment.”

After a long journey, Jane arrives to find that Thornfield has burnt to the ground, and she eventually discovers that Rochester went blind and lost a hand while saving servants during the fire. Seemingly now possessing the power and upper hand (pun intended) in the relationship, Jane tracks Rochester to a remote forest cottage, where she sort of beings to taunt and tease Rochester. There is a school of thought that posits that the maiming and disfiguring of Rochester is, in essence, an effort on Brontë’s part to literally and figuratively cut him down to size. When he learns that it is truly Jane and not a vision, Rochester reveals that he has (sort of) found religion; conveniently, this makes it possible for Jane to still be sort of a missionary wife in some ways, keeping her “promise” to God that St. John kept holding over her head. She agrees to serve as Rochester’s eyes and hands, leading to a simple ending that is abrupt, but fitting for the story. In the conclusion, we learn that Rochester regains his sight, but this ending chapter dwells somewhat strangely on St. John’s demise, with little commentary on the long-awaited Jane-Rochester union.

“‘I have little left in myself—I must have you. The world may laugh—may call me absurd, selfish—but it does not signify. My very soul demands you; it will be satisfied; or it will take deadly vengeance on its frame.’”

“All my heart is yours, sir; it belongs to you; and with you it would remain, were fate to exile the rest of me from your presence forever.”

“You are no ruin, sir—no lightning-struck tree; you are green and vigorous. Plants will grow about your roots, whether you ask them or not, because they take delight in your bountiful shadow; and as they grow they will lean toward you, and wind round you, because your strength offers them so safe a prop.”

In terms of the actual writing, Brontë has a tendency to fall back on dry, stilted language at times, then resorts to flowery, exaggerated prose in other areas. Her long, hard-to-follow sentences are riddled with semicolons, and she also relies on the technique of addressing the reader directly on occasion, a somewhat unexpected and off-putting tactic. Brontë also helps to round out Jane’s character and introduce us to some of her inner thoughts through Jane’s talented, symbolic paintings. Like many of the true classics, “Jane Eyre” is heavily dependent on strings of coincidences, and perhaps it is the challenge of a modern audience to quell the cynicism that comes so naturally to us, and just embrace the story overall and accept the unlikely, connected events.

Overall, just at moments where we think that Jane has been portrayed as too perfect and multitalented, we are revealed a side or edge to her character that is flawed. At times, I feel Brontë relies too much on descriptions of how plain and unappealing Jane is in terms of looks as a way to diminish the other, too-neatly-described aspects of her character. All in all, however, it is a more than worthwhile read, touching in some parts and poignant in others. It contains social commentary, examination of gender roles, analysis of the caste system, questions of morality vs. responsibility, and thoughts on sexual mores. As one of the landmark books that features a heroine, it is refreshing in some ways to be introduced to a fiercely independent female with a growing realization of what she truly wants and a temperamental mind as well as a thoughtful one.

“ … For our honey-moon will shine our life-long; its beams will only fade over your grave or mine.”

Limerick Friday Hiatus

Due to time, technical and medical issues, Limerick Friday is taking the week off. But as Carl Lewis once said in the midst of an epic-fail rendition of "Star Spangled Banner," I'll make it up to you.

Giddyup.