Limerick Friday LV: Creed And Britney Share A Bench In Moore Square

The Patsies have perfected the art of spying
They’ve also cornered the market on lying
Belichick constantly rocks a dirty hoody
Brady is a butt-chin-having goody-goody
Team program says “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying”

Oil’s checking in at an all-time high once again
$80 per barrel if you’re ready to fill your sedan
If the price rises much more
Bush’ll try to start another war
Why develop other fuels when you can just invade Iran

Never hear his name again, or so I’d think
Like a lizard, we never once saw him blink
Now up pops an invite on LinkedIn
From that chick who liked pirates, plus him
One of those in charge when that rat-fink ship did sink

The Office has returned just as groovy
Dwight’s forehead still like a drive-in movie
The temp’s rocking a five o’clock shadow
Hope the Jim-Pam storyline doesn’t sink the show
Michael Scott carries them all, it’s easy to see

Britney had a well-publicized failed comeback
Wishes she had Madonna’s tongue back
She got knocked for her noticeable spare tire
Looked like a he-she on Ventura for hire
Seems like only yesterday we salivated over her fake rack

Last time ...

The Pack Knee-ds To Wait ‘Til Next Year … Again

I say it’s high time the Pack makes a switch to Nike instead of Kangaroo or adidas or Zips or whatever the christ they’re currently using …

The state of the State football team, from the Charlotte Observer:

“N.C. State reaches 8 knee surgeries

O'Brien said two knee surgeries this week will bring the team's total to eight for this season.

"I didn't have eight knee surgeries in the last three years (coaching) at Boston College," O'Brien said Wednesday.

Fullback Pat Bedics was scheduled for surgery Wednesday, and his status for the rest of the season won't be known until today. Offensive tackle Jeraill McCuller also had knee surgery this week, O'Brien said, and is out indefinitely.

Tight end Anthony Hill, tailback Toney Baker and defensive tackle DeMario Pressley are the most prominent players who've had knee surgery. Pressley is back in the lineup, but Hill and Baker are out for the season.”

The state of the State hoops team, from ESPN’s Andy Katz:

"NC State loses two backup guards

NC State's backcourt took another hit last weekend when likely point guard backup Javier Gonzalez had surgery to repair his right thumb (his shooting hand) that he injured in workouts last week. The injury will require surgery and will keep the freshman out for the next three months.

Earlier in the preseason, the Wolfpack lost 6-foot-5 forward/guard Johnny Thomas for the season to knee surgery.

The easy thing after hearing about Gonzalez's injury would be to start panicking.
But losing two perimeter players, even at a position that is considered the least proven on the team, does not necessarily mean high anxiety for the Wolfpack.

"We can be good, we just need to stop getting hurt," said assistant coach Monte Towe, a former playmaker for the school.

If the Wolfpack had lost Iowa State transfer guard Farnold Degand, then there would be some cause for alarm. Degand is going to be the starting point guard. He will be the most scrutinized player on a team that is supposed to be an ACC contender and a legit NCAA Tournament team.

"Farnold is fast with the ball, he can really push it," said Towe, who added that Farnold, who sat out last season, still needs to figure out when to pull it back and when to surge. Still, Farnold will be the reason the Wolfpack can run this season, much more than a year ago when they were led by steady guard Engin Atsur.

Towe said the plan is to use Tennessee transfer Marques Johnson at the point, too, once he's eligible in mid-December. Gavin Grant and Courtney Fells, according to Towe, may also take a turn handling the ball.

But clearly, this staff isn't fretting the frontcourt. The Wolfpack have some of the more unheralded returnees in the ACC. Still, Brandon Costner and Ben McCauley, let alone the aforementioned Fells and Grant, have the finesse game to score plenty facing the basket.

The addition of 6-9 freshman J.J. Hickson gives the Wolfpack a power player to complement Costner and McCauley.

"He has an impressive work ethic," Towe said of the heralded Hickson. "It's going to be hard to keep him off the glass. He's a great rebounder."

So far, in individual workouts and the limited team practices this past week (two hours a week beginning Sept. 15), the Wolfpack are showing much more competitive fire than a year ago. The reason is that they have the bodies to do so in Sidney Lowe's second season.

And the fact that there is depth means the Wolfpack aren't decimated by a few injuries, at least as long as its not to a few key players.”

Also, in a shock-the-world, #4,608-sign-of-the-apocalypse moment, Caulton Tudor put together a surprisingly coherent, logical column for the News & Observer concerning the Wolfpack football program.

Being a State fan is hard goddam work …

Poop Nazis, Celine Dion And A Beat You Can Dance To …

“Music makes the world go ‘round.” And requests from Guru.com to “please write a hit song” make me laugh my arse off. My in-box has been flooded with wanna-be musicians looking for a lively songwriter to help them get discovered so they can start the process of being underground, then selling out, then developing a substance-abuse problem, then acquiring an STD, then getting really fat, then going through a three-day rehab, then mowing down the paparazzi, then staging a comeback, then going to jail, then rinse, then repeat.

Courtesy of Guru.com, here is a sneak peek of some of the aspiring geniuses who will be fighting for your hard-earned money at Wal-Mart soon …


Title: Longleaf Song
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: “Looking for a funny song to perform at our neighborhood comedy night. Our community, Longleaf, is a neo-traditional neighborhood - where all the houses have front porches, tree lined streets, village greens, a (too small) Town Hall, an unfinished downtown, baseball,sand volleyball, basketball, childrens parks, tennis, hike & bike trails, etc. We have community events all year; bike
parade, comedy night, adult scavenger hunt (with limos),annual spring fling,
Buffet Carribean Memorial Day Party, easter egg hunts, movies on the green, etc. Residents use golf carts to get around town, socialize w/ neighbors, lots of
parties. We have issues with speeding & people not cleaning up after their dogs
(we have a resident 'Poop Nazi'). There are resident groups: Living Well
(Going Green), Over 50 Group, Crafty Ladies, Mommy & Me Group, Yoga, etc.

I am on a limited budget of $100.”

Problem: You’re asking me to rhyme “poop,” “Caribbean,” “Nazi,” “Mommy & Me,” “Crafty” and “Longleaft” for under $100. Impossible.

Solution: Call Gallagher. And clean up your dog shit.



Title: Looking for New Song
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: “Looking for new classical crossover/classical pop song for recording artist Angel Taormina. Must be a love song. In the style of Michael Crawford, Sarah Brightman, Celine Dion, and Andrea Bocelli. Vocal range is not a factor. Must be an original song that has not yet been recorded for profit. For more
information, please contact.”

Problem: You had me at Sarah Brightman. You lost me at Celine Dion. And “vocal range is not a factor”? Why not just write, “Awesome singer needed. Experience optional”?

Solution: Call Ashlee Simpson. Tell her you liked her better with the beak, slap her twice and ask her to write you a song or else you’ll name her father as Jon-Benet’s killer.



Title: Song writer needed
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description: “Project Description:I would like a really great song that people can dance and vibe to. I want the song to be R&B/hip hop similar to artists like beyonce, 3lw, cherish, ect. The song would need to be up tempo and be something every girl and maybe even boys in their mid and late teenage years could relate to.

Project Category:Song Lyrics

Project Purpose:I will record the song in a professional studio for a demo
album, that will be sent to different record labels.

Target Audience:teenagers and young adults

Document Length:I would like the song to last for up to 3 min to 4 min.

I need the following:Writing

I will provide the following to the professional:Concept

The professional must provide the following:Melody, Lyrics

Project Start Date:9/27

Project Completion Date:11/3

I want to receive project drafts via:CD/DVD/Optical Media, Guru.com's Work Room

Payment(s) for this project will be processed via:SafePay Escrow

Additional Specifications for the Project:Additional information the the Pro
should know is that I would like this song to be a hit record. The song would
have be catchy and it has to grab the listeners attention.”

Problem: “The Pro should know is that I would like this song to be a hit record.” Really? Shouldn’t you have put that, like, at the beginning? “The song would have to be catchy and it has to grab the listeners attention.” Isn’t that another way of saying, “It has a good beat and it’s easy to dance to”? Dick Clark must be rolling over in his grave. Wait, that fucker isn’t dead yet?

Solution: Buy “Hooked On Phonics.” Stop watching Richard Simmons. And start stalking Dick Clark toot-sweet.

It's Always Funny On FX

If you haven't seen the show "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia," give it a shot. Hilarious stuff. Thursdays at 10 p.m. on FX. Hell ... what else are you going to watch, "Dancing with the Midgets" or "The Surreal Rehab"?

Practice Safe ... Shopping?

Part of the new overpopulation awareness campaign ...

Honoring Keifer, Fox Changes Name of “24” To “Case”

Small-fry superspy Kiefer Sutherland celebrated the 40th anniversary release of “Lost Boys” on DVD by racking up his second DUI in the span of three years the other night. Reports indicate that Sutherland was stopped for an illegal U-turn following a cast party in Hollywood, then proceeded to blow more than twice the legal blood-alcohol limit of 0.08. Not even President Wayne “I swear to god I’m not Gary Payton” Palmer could lower Keifer’s $25,000 bail.

Described as “cooperative and mellow” – who wouldn’t be mellow after hanging out at a Hollywood jail for four hours after “24” beers? – Sutherland was released and will face the judge on October 16. If convicted, he is supposed to face mandatory jail time of at least five days in jail … but hey, we know how quirky the L.A. “justice” (just ask "Odd Justice" Simpson) system can be.

After seeing pictures of Sutherland passed out in the lobby of a hotel a couple years back, it sounds like good ol’ Jack Bauer needs to be spending a little less time driving helicopters upside-down with one arm while wrestling an alligator with the other – and a little more time reconvening with the Rat Pack in A.A.

“And You’re Probably A Donut-Bumper, Too!”

It certainly looks like Mike Gundy won’t be emceeing any press corps awards ceremonies anytime soon. The Oklahoma State coach ripped into Cowboys beat writer Jenni Carlson during a press conference, directly destroying her for questioning the character of recently benched quarterback Bobby Reid.

As a former sportswriter, I thought it best to read the article (“Reid is still the most talented signal-caller, but attitude is reason for change”) before jumping to any conclusions or picking sides. In the span of Carlson’s article, she criticizes Reid for having his mother feed him, being nervous before games, not playing through injury, not being upset enough about being benched and laughing on the sidelines. Theoretically, Carlson would have been happier if Reid slapped his mother, went on a tirade for being benched, ate a burger he prepared himself while snapping at Carlson herself, threw clipboards on the sideline and jeopardized his well-being by trying to play hurt.

Triangle fans may remember when it was revealed that Duke's Shavlik Randolph had his mommy cut his meat for him and had a Michael Jackson poster on his bedroom wall. They may recall that State’s T.A. McLendon threw up before big games; it was how his teammates recognized the enormity of the contest – and how they knew he would fumble at some point later in the day. The News & Observer is a poorly run outfit and offers some of the worst sports coverage of any “major” newspaper, but even they never went so far as to question Randolph's or McLendon's character in a front-page opinion piece.

With the Interwebs, ESPN 1 through 26, 24-hour sports stations, pay-per-content fan sites and rabid message boards that cater to in-bred non-alums, the performance and conduct of college student-athletes has never been put under a bigger microscope. As a result, tensions run high and confrontations like this become more and more likely. Overreactions tend to happen often, but in this case, Gundy's response was more than warranted.

George Costanza once said, “Always leave them wanting more.” So when Gundy muttered, “Makes me want to puke” and stormed out to applause from the gathered media, he put a beautiful finishing touch on a much-deserved lambasting of at least one sportswriter.

Dubyat Want Start Much Nice Web Site Explosion

From the latest chronicles of Guru.com ...

Profile ID: 799748 matches
Title: Software Website
Project ID: 323670

Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
"I am in the process of filling the pages of my website with the proper verbage.
I unfortunately did not do well in composition or english and my skills are not
up to par. We are a call center software company trying to target a semi new
audience that we do not want to scare with to much techi jargon. Please respond
if you feel you are up to the test. Thanks"

Remember 9/11 ...

What Today Has Been Like ...

Limerick Friday LIV: Republicans Stuff The Ballot — In Voting Booths And Bathroom Stalls

Looking to shake (hands) with voters in bathrooms at airports
Trying to avoid having his lewd conduct reach the courts
Now he wants to stay put in the Senate
Represent Idaho for more than another minute
Larry Craig was just checking young Republicans for genital warts?

Luciano Pavarotti has expired with a final wheeze
Survived by his doppelganger, Dom Deluise
That dude sure could carry a tune
With a tenor voice that could fill a room
He’ll be missed by the Maestro from Seinfeld and many overseas

A weekend trip to the deafening Death Valley
Jumbalaya and purple as far as the eye can see
See if Herbstreit once again disrespects App State
Or if he now has enough cupcakes for his plate
Lee Corso will be saying, “Not so fast” to Michael Vick’s Hokies

Jerry Lewis uttered a gay slur on his telethon
Had Jerry’s Kids asking, “What’s a fag, Mom?”
His punishment is acting in the French version of “Brokeback Mountain”
He’ll wear a beret and Liberace’s coat and splash about in a Paris fountain
You know Dean Martin’s laughing hard, even though he’s gone

West Virginia doesn’t have much more than coal
Now strip mining turns a mountain into a gray hole
When Ned Beatty squealed like a pig
Made in-breeding a topic that was big
W loves “Deliverance” but thinks the environment is just one more thing to be sold

Last week ...

Future Clemson Valedictorian And Ambassador For The Iraq

Miss South Carolina does a pretty good impression of Peroxide Borat. No truth to the rumor that she has been issued an honorary degree from Climpson ...

Barth Kicks PAT, Announces He’s New Lead Singer Of Queen

Recently, the American Mustache Institute (I didn’t make that up) hosted a vote on the best sports mustache of all time. Bouyed by the popularity gained by his ability to identify the second spitter on Seinfeld while also being the last person ever to get away with a nickname like “Mex,” Keith Hernandez was the runaway winner.

It appears that this news has now reached Chapel Hill. Apparently feeling that wearing pansy blue and being a kicker wasn’t Tinker Bell-ish enough, Connor Barth decided to celebrate his senior season by impersonating Freddie Mercury for a year.

By growing a horrific ‘stache that would even frighten Thomas Magnum, he soared past former Denver Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer for worst sports moustache ever. I mean, Barth looks like he should be spending his time at practice looking over his shoulder to see if Chris Hansen of To Catch A Predator is walking his way.

However, the honor could be short-lived: the second Kyn Magee joins a Glamour Shots-sponsored bowling team, he is certain to wrest the title away from Barth. Until then, you can catch Barth singing “Another One Bites The Dust” at He’s Not Here every Wednesday at 10 p.m.

Giddyup.

Limerick Friday LIII: Football Finally Makes Its Return To The Triangle

Football has now returned, finally
The time for talk is ancient history
Watch for EZU’s QB on the streets
Heels fans will enjoy $10 empty seats
Can’t wait to see the new Pack at beloved Carter-Finley

Buncha astronauts flying drunk and senseless
Found out it’s tasty to mix Tang and Guiness
Thought they discovered a brand-new star
Turns out it was just a bottle cap from the mini bar
It’s much easier to do keg stands when you’re weightless

Had a crooked nose for all to see
Still made movies numbering 123
Right when his popularity was growin’
He got tired of just being Owen
Don’t blame him after “You, Me and Dupree”

An apology from a well-trained Michael Vick
Applauded for no notecards and being slick
He’s already found G-zus, it seems
Guess god’s so gangster when you’re losing greens
Good luck in prison, you self-righteous prick

The ground is still littered with leftover broken dreams
They know what it means to miss New Orleans
But the spirit of the bayou never did leave
From a city that wears its heart on its sleeve
Through them we now know what resiliency means

Last time ...

Think About New Orleans Today …

Today is the two-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina’s evil arrival in the Gulf of Mexico. To some, it may seem like it’s been longer; to others, it seems like it was only yesterday. To those who have seen the devastation first hand, it seems like one of the most shameful episodes in the history of an administration that is littered with them. Ignoring the damage done to New Orleans and the surrounding areas by Katrina, Rita and Wilma, and the way our government swept the problem under the rug and turned its back on our own citizens may be the biggest, most underpublicized crime the Bushies have perpetrated in the last seven forgettable years.

I say that knowing what still lies ahead in Iraq. I say that with the realization that people whose names we do not know continue to make sacrifices without reason and take orders sandwiched in ignorance without hesitation. I say that after learning that a co-worker found out that her son was killed in Iraq this past weekend, leaving behind a wife, a 5-year-old child and a question of whether his death will represent a meaningful sacrifice in a political war. We fear the idea of answering his question and say, “Only 17 more months. Just 17 more.”

Twenty-four months in New Orleans have passed, yet areas still look like a Third World shanty town. So with all that is going on in the world, with wars and global warming and kidnappings and murders and stolen elections and dogfighting and rising gas prices, I ask you to take a moment today to consider New Orleans. The carefree spirit of the bayou, the musical inclination of the region and the European feel of the area has led to whimsical nicknames like, the Queen of the Mississippi, the Crescent City, the Paris of the Americas, the Gateway to the Americas, America’s International City and, of course, the Big Easy.

But there is another nickname for New Orleans that has taken on new meaning in the last two years: The City that Care Forgot. So remember it today, even for just a second. And if you have the impulse to do more, there are a number of ways. If you’re a musician, you can do something to help the city’s musical legacy. You can watch an amazing IMAX film of the hurricane, or you can give in a myriad of other ways. Hell, you can even help by drinking beer.

Even twenty-four dollars can go a long way … just as twenty-four months can seem like a long time. But not long enough to forget.

"I'm Going To Leverage The Absolute Christ Out Of Some Rib Peripherals At The State Game ..."

For those of us who occasionally find ourselves writing things we don't actually understand, much less believe ...

Limerick Friday LII: Puppetteer Rove Takes Hand Out Of Bush’s Arse Long Enough To Wave Goodbye

Karl Rove finally walked out that door
Dear god, I hope we see him no more
I hope that for the rest of his life
He realizes all he did was cause strife
To our country by stealing elections for that in-bred boor

The season’s first hurricane named Dean
Lurks in the Atlantic, unseen
It would be OK if he brought rain
But nothing that would cause pain
I’ve had enough of hurricanes turning mean

400 killed in latest attack
Death in northern Iraq
The biggest bomb yet of the war
Yet still Bush continues to snore
Cut your losses and bring the troops back

Imus can come back if he just behaves
Rumors he could return to the airwaves
Now a Rutgers player decides she should sue
Maybe she’ll win enough to buy a clue
Losing his job is enough—Jameka says forgiveness saves

A blog post from our lost-long friend Will
Thought he was in the trunk of a Coupe DeVille
Cupid’s still slapping him around
He’s still got his feet on the ground
But the thought of Will holding a dildo should give Anonymous a perverse thrill

On the last episode ...

Steven Tyler Can Have His Elevator ...

Apparently, this is where Casie got the idea to make out with a muppet in a Port-A-Potty ... Giddyup.

Global Warming? Naaah ...

As if heat indices of 110 aren't enough to make you wonder, a tornado hit Brooklyn yesterday. Yes -- a freaking tornado. For the first time in nearly 120 years, no less. Winds reached up to 135 miles per hour and knocked out subway service.

No truth to the rumor that President Bush responded to the crisis by attacking Cambodia.

Limerick Friday LI: Pacman Tries Atomic Elbow On Stripper

Pacman to try pro wrestling, for christ’s sake
All you can do is have your head shake
Maybe he can take on Mike Vick
And you can market it as Dick vs. Prick
Put a pit bull in the ring and we’ll see if it’s really fake

Casie trying a new blog for laughs
She’s nothing if not a creative lass
A horse she drags from bar to bar
But in the Port-A-Potty is taking it too far
Don’t you spend enough time with a horse’s ass?

Quote of the year from a reality show
Jameeka said “God is so gangster, yo”
Never heard God described that way
Heard he wears a Kango and hangs with Dr. Dre
Big Brother is proof that society is dying slow

Football has arrived finally
First practice in fair Raleigh
The start of camp for NC State
As they prepare for the fall slate
Now whether Tommy O’Irish can help, we’ll see

Fist pounds and scooters, what a ride
Wife-swapping, but I guess we’ll let that slide
A place without a chin, morals or heart
Spectacular demise after quite a promising start
I saw Jeff Martin at Best Buy with his mail-order bride

Last week's episode ...