Thus ends inarguably the most frustrating and disappointing fantasy football season I’ve ever had. Despite a strong draft and a well-stocked roster, you name it, it went wrong, from busted draft picks to key injuries to suspensions to disappearances. Throw in a couple of five-points-or-less losses, and the result was 4-8 overall, losing the last four in a row, plus a 3-5 mark in my division.
It’s sad that I began writing this post-season moratorium with three weeks left in the campaign, but I officially threw in the towel with a couple of weeks left, refusing to throw good money after bad in the transaction pool. I knew fairly early on that the fantasy gods were against me this year, but at 4-4, I felt I had a legitimate chance -- though somewhere down deep I knew I was fooling myself.
Anyway, here’s the annual team awards banquet (see 2007, 2009 and 2010), in digital form only since these underachieving fucks don’t deserve a free meal. Enjoy ...
The Annual Clemson Fast Start, Late Implosion Award: Mike Tolbert, RB, San Diego
Not that anyone should be surprised by this given the coaching of Norv Turner, but the Chargers running back situation was, shall we say, “weird” this year. Tolbert leapt out of the gates, putting up a TD hat trick (from my bench) in Week 1, seemingly surpassing Ryan Mathews as the lead guy, not just the goal-line and third-down back. However, a series of minor injuries limited Tolbert somewhat, and as the offensive line lost a guy seemingly every week and Philip Rivers started throwing picks left and right, the Bolts’ offense went down the tubes. The result was that San Diego, which seemed to get a lift from the physical element that Tolbert brings, relied increasingly less on him and made fewer trips inside the red zone, turning Tolbert into basically just a fat afterthought.
Jim Kelly Annual Choker of the Year: Michael Vick, QB, Philadelphia
Loaded down with an enormous contract, Vick still had many detractors who said that he wouldn’t be able to duplicate his 2010 success (when he faded down the stretch, a warning sign too many ignored, myself included). Basically, at some point, you simply have to perform. And Vick can’t. And that is why it is time for the world to come to terms with the fact that he is back to being an average NFL quarterback. In the most important four weeks of the season for playoff pursuit, he came up with a combined 10 points (seven, three, DNP, DNP). The reality is that even for the 20 minutes when he was healthy this year, Vick blew. He’s basically become the NFC’s Tim Tebow, only he’s 200 pounds instead of 240, and he can’t finish games. And I’m not even including dog jokes anymore on Vick; he was a bust of epic proportions this year, setting the tone for a dismal year for the Scooters.
Braylon Edwards Bustout Player of the Year: Jimmy Graham, TE, New Orleans
Nabbing the best tight end in the league with a ninth-round pick was something that worked out this year. With Jeremy Shockey jettisoned to Carolina, I knew Drew Brees was going to fall in love with his new weapon early and often, and I proved to be more right than even I expected. Graham was dominant down the seams and in the red-zone this year, seemingly putting up 15 points a game and giving me a chance pretty much every week. Loved the pick at the time, loved it even more as the season progressed.
Bo Jackson “What Might Have Been” Award: Joseph Addai, RB, Indianapolis
I wasn’t the only one who anticipated a comeback season for Addai, who appeared poised to light it up out of the backfield for the Colts this year. When Peyton Manning went down with another neck injury, he took the entire Indy attack with him. When Addai was then beset with injury, I had to include him in a necessary trade, and what looked like a strong foursome of running backs with breakout potential turned into a liability.
Darrell Jackson Honorary Clutch Player of the Year: No One, No Position, No Team
I honestly can’t think of anybody who came through in the clutch this year. Seriously. I was positioned for a lot of wins this year if dudes just had average days in primetime matchups, and seemingly each and every time, they came up short.
Mike Tyson Memorial Manic-Depressive Player of the Year: Stevie Johnson, WR, Buffalo
This one was pretty close between Johnson and DeSean Jackson, but I went with Johnson because even though Jackson is pretty stupid and immature, I do think Johnson has some bat-shit craziness to him. After a solid start, he turned into a bitch at the worst possible time, with 29 points total in a vital six-game stretch. He became pretty much unplayable at a crucial part of the season, and was hampered by a seemingly never-ending series of injuries throughout the campaign. Throw in the dropped touchdown passes and he served as a pretty good microcosm of the Scooters’ season.
Honorary John Avery Bust/Bitch of the Year: DeSean Jackson, WR, Philadelphia
I had a lot of viable candidates for this one -- never a good sign for a fantasy football team. But factoring in the “bitch” part of the equation, D-Jax won out here. I mean, he didn’t just have five games with four points or less, including seven total points in a pivotal three-game stretch. He actually slept through a meeting and got suspended for a game at one point. As if that wasn’t hilarious enough, he then cost me a win when he reeled in a 50-yard catch and had it nullified because he threw the ball at an assistant coach on the sideline, earning himself a personal foul and erasing the gain (did I mention it would have won me the week?). He reached nearly comical portions at that point ... but I wasn’t laughing.
Most Consistent Player, Sponsored by IRS: 49ers, D/ST, San Francisco
In what turned out to be a really good trade by me (Addai and a defense for the 49ers D and Kevin Kolb), I grabbed the 49ers defense relatively early in the season. Pretty much every week, I could count on 20-25 points from this unit. It provides a real boost to know you can pencil in that number of points from your D, and between San Fran and Jimmy Graham, I basically started each game with around 40 points. The fact that no one else helped them out notwithstanding, that’s a huge coup for any fantasy GM.
Curtis Enis Huge Disappointment Award: Vick
I try to avoid linking the same player to multiple “awards,” but there’s no way I could give this “honor” to anyone else. Vick not only failed to come up big individually, but he also dragged down DeSean Jackson. For those reasons—and the fact that he was my top draft pick—made this a pretty easy choice for me.
Dan Marino Annual Best Draft Pick: Graham
I’ve gone into Graham’s excellence at length, and the only other consideration here was Antonio Brown, my 14th-round draft pick (and potential keeper for next year). As the season progressed, Brown emerged as a real force in the Steelers passing attack, and with Hines Ward possibly retiring, I look for big things from him going forward in Pittsburgh.
Honorary Ryan Leaf Worst Draft Pick: Knowshon Moreno, RB, Denver
I saw this one coming a mile away and it stunk from the start, as I fairly noted just after the draft. But a hamstring injury followed by being buried on the depth chart followed by a blown-out knee? Wow. I don’t see Moreno returning to Denver in any capacity next year, and as far as this year goes, getting next to nothing from your fourth-rounder is a heck of a way to kick off a shoddy season in any league.
Jim Jensen Unsung Player: Stephen Jackson, RB, St. Louis
S-Jax continued as a yardage beast, fighting through a tough first-game injury and, as always, running hard as hell in a disastrous offense. I thought this might be the year that the Rams would put together a respectable attack, with Sam Bradford’s maturation and some intriguing young wideouts. Instead, St. Louis stuck to being St. Louis, and though injuries and lack of touchdowns continued with Jackson, he still contributed respectable numbers in nearly every game.
Eugene Robinson’s Solicitation’s Lesson Learned Player: Marcedes Lewis, TE, Jacksonville
To be fair, he was my 11th-round pick, and he was rated much higher than that. But he was also my backup tight end, a hedge against Jimmy Graham not panning out (ha ha hee hee ho ho). But Lewis dropped at least four touchdown passes (including a couple that were mind-bogglingly easy) and finished one game with -4 yards. Negative. I mean, hell, that’s hard to freaking do. So note to self: No more backup tight ends prior to the 14th round or so.
Jamaal Charles Waiver-Wire Pickup of the Year: James Jones, WR, Green Bay
He was pretty hit or miss, granted, either ending up with one catch for eight yards or three catches for 104 yards and a long touchdown. But he was among a few nice transactions during the course of the year, including Cincy RB Bernard Scott and Oakland WR Denarius Moore. Unfortunately, none of them showed the consistency or received the consistent opportunities to emerge as must-start guys.
Brian Urlacher Team MVP: Graham
Another easy one here. Graham delivered No. 1 receiver production from a mandatory-start position, and it didn’t take him long to establish himself as the top fantasy tight end in the NFL this year. What this team needed was other stars to perform as stars, in which case the emergence of guys like Graham and the 49ers defense would have led to a powerhouse team. Instead, Graham and San Fran were the exceptions—players who exceeded expectations instead of hiding from them.
In summary, the bottom line is I have never had a better team that came through with so little production. On paper, I easily had one of the top three teams in the league. But after a mind-numbing series of injuries, on-field choking and off-field incidents, I’m elated and relieved to finally say goodbye to a season to forget.
*Editor's note: This team didn't even warrant the time and energy it takes to break up the text with a picture here and there. So ... yeah.
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