Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI: The Tutor Didn’t Help Me This Week

This week got the best of me. Sorry. Only had time for one today.

The ‘Noles we did finally smack
Behind the Russell Wilson attack
ACC title hopes alive for another day
Strength of the pack is the wolf, they say
And the strength of the wolf is the Pack

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 32

#1
A friend of mine got me hooked on “Sons of Anarchy.” As someone who got engrossed in “Hell’s Angels,” by Hunter S. Thompson, it’s a natural fit, a Sopranos-esque look at balancing immoral and moral lives. Check it out if you get a chance.

#2
So, Stanford has a dude named McGillicuddy. I couldn’t tell you exactly why, but I find that hysterical.

#3
I have ADT as a security service. Now they’re fake-breaking into people’s homes. It may be time to get rid of ADT as a security service.

#4
Nominee for headline of the year: IHOP vs. IHOP. And who’s to say that the International House of Pancakes and the International House of Prayer don’t amount to the same thing for some people?

#5
In case you ever wondered what happens when two complete douches try to conduct an interview, I give you Doug Gottlieb vs. Jim Mora, Jr. Train-wreck funny.

#6
Underrated line of the season in “Mad Men” was Midge describing heroin as “It’s like drinking 100 bottles of whiskey while someone licks your tit.” Somewhere, Amy Winehouse just gave you a slow clap, Midge.

#7
So a coach for Baylor basketball threatened to have a Colombian kid deported if he didn’t sign with the Bears? Are you fucking kidding me? And you wonder why college athletics is becoming such a joke.
On a side note, why isn’t Arizona involved in this recruitment? #politicaljoke

#8
A kid comes by the house selling Pop Corn for the Cub Scouts. We reluctantly buy a bag of popcorn for $20 and the kid takes out a walkie-talkie and relays the order to his Mom idling on the curb. Mom runs the popcorn down to the kid, who already has the paper work signed.
Things have changed a little bit since my days, when Cub Scouts mostly revolved around either trying to burn shit or trying to tie shit so good you couldn’t untie it.

#9
Listening to Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden trying to show who loves Butt Favre more on Monday Night Football reminds me of myself and my two brothers fighting over who gets to be Bo when we watched “Dukes of Hazzard” as kids.
Listening to Cris Collinsworth talk about him on Sunday Night Football just makes me think he wants to get on Favre’s Fave Five for texting fun.

#10
So Nigerian Sesame Street is going to feature an HIV-positive muppet. But in America, Katy Perry’s prodigious sweater puppets are too in-your-face for our kids?

If This Won't Get You Fired Up ...

... you're probably dead. Sucks for you.

Forty inspirational speeches in two minutes. Good times.

“A Beautiful Mine” Goes All Sultry

For those already missing “Mad Men” (guilty), here’s a killer version of the theme song, “A Beautiful Mine.”

“Old Dogs” Made Me Question A Lot Of Things

“So, why the f#&k am I watching this?”

That’s the thought that kept running through my head while sitting through “Old Dogs” a little while ago. Free time is scarce these days, making the concept of watching not only movies, but bad movies, arguably not the best usage of scarce resources.

Yet there I sat, watching John Travolta and Robin Williams stumble through a weak plot line devised by director Walt Becker, who also headed up “Wild Hogs” (which I thankfully didn’t see). Going by his naming and plot conventions to date, Becker’s next flick will have to be called “Serene Frogs,” yes?

Anyway, back to the film. Yes, there were a couple of funny moments and a bit of physical humor involved in the lead characters taking the wrong pills. I’ve always been a bit of Robin Williams fan, but I always wonder how a guy like Travolta, who fell into an ever-so-rare career resurgence, seems hell-bent on throwing that rediscovered career out the window with a string of why-did-he-choose-that? projects. I also never got Seth Green; he’s brutally unfunny and no longer has the awkward-teen vibe going for him.

So if “Three Men and a Baby” featured past-their-prime, middle-aged, questionable actors, it would be called “Old Dogs.” Wait, that is actually happening?!

Christ. I guess I’ll get roped into watching that one too.

Help.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: Skirts Next On NFL Uniform Agenda, Plus Don Turns Complicated Back Into Simple

Big hits all around the NFL
Lots of guys still hearing a ringing bell
Concussions are no laughing matter
But overreactions are even badder
D can’t even tackle anymore, what the hell?!

Made it out to Pack Media Day
Faked an appointment, what can I say?
A new energy around State hoops
Optimism up until that first “oops”
Can’t believe the season’s coupla weeks away

It’s the election time of the year
Who’s a foreigner, socialist or queer?
These are the questions asked
As the real issues say masked
Is there any political integrity up in here?

Unprepared for a Pirate attack
A morose trip to Greenville and back
A devastating loss to Muffin’s crew
Shows the pointlessness of playing EZU
Now a much-needed bye for the Pack

To Megan, Don getting married?!
Rog’s baby, Joan still carried!
Faye compromised and knew Don’s schtick
Then he showed he was really a Dick
But the agency not quite dead and buried

Last time …

Midseason Report: The Scooters Make Bold Move For Stretch Run

Despite not scoring many points early on and sustaining some damaging injuries, the Scooters are in pretty good shape at the season’s halfway point, sitting at 4-1-1 overall (yes, a goddam tie, don’t ask) and a tidy 4-0 in my division.

However, with the realization lurking that issues at quarterback were eventually going to catch up with me, I made a massive trade at the halfway mark -- something I rarely do. I pulled the trigger on a deal that brought me Denver signal-caller Kyle Orton and San Francisco wideout Michael Crabtree, in exchange for Detroit receiver Calvin “Megatron” Johnson.

Based on that backdrop, a quick position-by-position look at the Scooters thus far.


QUARTERBACKS
I was happy to have landed Philadelphia’s Kevin Kolb in the draft, with the thought that he would take advantage of some nice weapons around him. When he suffered a concussion halfway through the season opener, though, he yielded to Michael Vick, who went on to beat two bad teams and get handed the starting job. Then Vick cracked some ribs and Kolb got his chance again, then set about dashing the ridiculous notion that all he did was throw checkdowns. I was outbid for Kolb on the FA market, but now not even Eagles coach Andy Reid seems to know whether he’s going to eventually roll with Kolb or Vick.

All that is a long way of saying that my QB situation has been a disaster thus far. I picked up St. Louis rookie Sam Bradford at one point, and he has actually been serviceable at times. However, a rotating series of faces such as David Garrard, Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Hill have gotten me more negative points and injuries than anything else.

Hence the difficult decision to deal Megatron for Orton. The question is whether Orton can keep up his huge yardage and point totals throughout the season and turn my long weakness into a strength. I had him on my team last year and made the mistake of not starting him (over, gulp, Cutler) until my season was essentially over. Obviously, I won’t make that error again this year.



RUNNING BACKS
San Francisco’s Frank Gore has been a beast and Kansas City’s Jamaal Charles is still putting up points at a nice clip considering he’s sharing time with Thomas Jones, and they’ve put me in good stead at this spot. I’d like to see Gore get in the end zone more (I think Mike Singletary would as well) and I’d like to see Charles get the rock more over Jones, but I think there’s a chance both of those things could happen as the season progresses.

My team took a bit of a hit when New Orleans’s Reggie Bush broke his leg, and Dallas’s Marion Barber might be the only unplayable starting running back in the league now, because owner “Botox” Jones is determined to force-feed a third-down back, Felix Jones, into the lead-back role. I put Bush on injured reserve, freeing up a spot for Atlanta backup Jason Snelling, who put up a monster day when Michael Turner was hurt. Unfortunately (sorry, “Burner”), Turner didn’t miss any time with his injury, and Snelling is now just a bit player for the Falcons.

I wanted to keep Gore and Charles intact in any trade scenario for a quarterback, because I think both players’ best days are ahead this year. When Bush comes back (soon, I’m hearing), I will occasionally fit him into the rotation as a flex player based on the role he assumes in the Saints offense upon his return.


WIDE RECEIVER
Megatron’s production definitely got knocked down a few pegs when the Bears knocked out quarterback Matthew Stafford in the opener and teams began double- and triple-teaming Johnson. He was still good for touchdowns, but the yardage totals were modest until a huge Week 6. He also has a nagging shoulder injury, but don’t get me wrong: I certainly wasn’t looking to deal CJ, and wasn’t happy that the circumstances dictated that I had to.

What made the decision a little easier were two developments: the return to health of the Colts’ Pierre Garcon and the arrival of the Titans’ Kenny Britt. A hammy sidelined Garcon for a few weeks, but he is back and catching Peyton Manning’s eye, with lots of targets despite more drops than I would like to see. After being dogged by questions about his maturity all offseason long, Britt has now caught a touchdown in four straight games, allowing him to force his way into my lineup and make me feel a touch better about the Megatron trade.

Denver’s Eddie Royal is also enjoying something of a resurgence, though he’s still more of an every-other-week guy and not consistent. The Orton-Royal connection was a variable in my trade choice, but I’m still not sold on Royal as a full-time starter. The fifth wide receiver spot has been manned by Miami’s Brian Hartline, who is open a lot more than he gets the ball and usually ends up around 35-40 yards—not enough to score or play. My last WR roster slot was first taken by Chicago’s Earl Bennett, then Minnesota’s Greg Camarillo, then Buffalo’s Roscoe Parrish and now Seattle’s Deon Butler. I like Butler because the Seahawks have been jettisoning every veteran receiver on the roster and he’s now a starter; his 33-yard touchdown last week gives me some hope that he can be something.

Of course, bringing Crabtree into the fold also helps with the Megatron trade analysis. With the change in offensive coordinators in San Francisco, Crabtree is starting to get a lot more looks, which could eventually lead him into a spot in my rotation, at least in bye weeks.

The bottom line is that I felt this was a position that was strong and deep enough to withstand the subtraction of CJ; we’ll see if I was right in a few weeks.



TIGHT ENDS
Zach Miller is a freaking beast. There, I said it. That being said, he and the Raiders are going to start seeing some doubling on Miller, just like the 49ers did to him in Week 6. Is he good enough to adjust? Yes. Are the Oakland quarterbacks? Fuck no. TBD.

The backup is the Seahawks’ John Carlson, who has been solid. I thought on draft day that I had two good tight ends on my roster, so I’ve been thrilled to learn that one of them is borderline great.


KICKERS
San Diego’s Nate Kaeding has been a little inconsistent and disappointing—and now he’s injured. He had a 49-yarder blocked in Week 6, and throw in the fact that the Chargers are underwhelming and a good red-zone team, giving him limited chances. On the plus side, the Bills’ Rian Lindell has had a couple of nice games for Beefalo, but they rarely get into scoring territory. I can’t believe that I’m probably going to have to go out and get a kicker (likely Dan Carpenter of the Dolphins).

The hope here is that the Bolts get a few things figured out and Kaeding once again emerges as a top-tier fantasy kicker.


DEFENSE/SPECIAL TEAMS
I spent an unusually high draft pick (seventh round) on the Vikings this year, and they’ve been besieged by injury and a tough schedule thus far. However, Percy Harvin took a kickoff back for a touchdown in Week 6, and hopefully they will come around and Jared Allen will start to torment quarterbacks again.

My backup is, um, Houston. So yeah, they’re horrible and they are losing guys to injury every week. They are most definitely in drop territory.



Going Forward
All in all, a sound roster with no glaring holes, thanks to the trade. One of the potential issues is that I would say I don’t have any sure-thing TD scorers on a week-to-week basis, but if Orton can keep rolling (can’t believe I just typed that), my team has a more-than-legit chance to do some real damage this season.

What "Faces Of Death" Would Look Like With A Really Bad Film Editor

Close calls narrowly averted ... [*shudder-inducing*].

This Wouldn’t Make A Very Good Nike Commercial

“Just Do It” is a documentary about environmental extremism. And it looks awesome.

Feaux News, Witches, Tea Parties And Shit

Brilliance. I have nothing further to add.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIX: Hope Found In A Chilean Mine, Plus Draper Goes All In

More than two months trapped
33 miners with strength sapped
Their plight in Chile
Makes our worries seem silly
Their safe rescue a great story capped

With a bye, a game wasn’t missed
Now my own Dolphins wish list
Marshall no talking & no more blocked kicks
Ronnie no dancing & Henne no picks
If we blow this season, I’m gonna be pissed

Always knew Butt Favre was a prick
But to be this literal is a bit sick
Sexting a sideline Barbie doll?
How immature and lacking in gall
Hopefully everyone is tired of his schtick

Welcome to Blog Action Day
A goal to raise awareness, they say
But water conservation is important to all
I know it’s a task that is quite tall
So what will you do in your own special way?

Heinz didn’t amount to beans
Don makes risky anti-tobacco scenes
Due to Sally, Betty wants to move
Change of scenery, it may behoove
An agency on eggshells, who knows what this means?

Last time …

"I Am You," If You Means Hurley

Because Christine O'Donnell as the "Stepford Wives"-ish new face of the Republican party is just too damn easy to ridicule.

How easy?

So easy that even Hurley from "Lost" nails her here.

The Wanker Version Of Rich Little ...

Who knew 24 different English accents could be so amusing?

"Um, OK ... I'm Guessing #1 Is Still Cool, Though?"

A better definition of “irony," courtesy of Fail! Blog.

Baton Rouge Is Where Les Happens

LSU fans: Where Lester happens, that's where you are.

Also, the devil wrote Miles a letter. Give it a read. Then burn it.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: Metsies Starting Over Yet Again, Plus Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce In Shambles

Flushing is an apropos name
For the Mets ugly game
They shitcanned Manuel and Minaya
Because wins they just can’t buy-a
Now let’s find someone else to blame

Pissing off the Patsies boss
Spelled the end for one Randy Moss
Traded from the Cheaters to the Vikes
Luckily, he’s one of Butt Favre’s likes
But as to Belichick’s vision, I’m at a loss

Under pressure he flubbed a chip
Then couldn’t hide a quivering lip
Mahan fought his heart out
In an epic Ryder Cup bout
Chin up, it’s just a small blip

Goddam, I hate the Phils
Own the Mets and win with no frills
But Roy Halladay, my hat’s off
A no-hitter is nothing to scoff
Baseball playoffs are a battle of wills

As Lucky Strikes skips town
Rog watches it all crumble down
Peg whores it up a tad
Pete becomes a Dad
Don bangs Megan after a Faye frown

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 31

#1
To the fucking toolbag douchebag rectal wizard who thinks it’s a good idea to go for a leisurely bike ride down the right lane of Lynn Road during rush hour, trailed by roughly 60 cars mere inches from his back tire: Get on the sidewalk or take back roads before you kill yourself or someone else.
Bonus tip just because you’re obviously a ‘tard: Flipping off everyone who honks at you will undoubtedly increase the likelihood that it will be you.

#2
Boise State is to football as Butler is to basketball. How the hell are people still not understanding this?

#3
Ben Stein was “cool” for about an eight-year span before everyone realized what a neo-conservative, insufferable, condescending prick he was. So it was good to see Bill Maher put him in his place while simultaneously eviscerating him.

#4
After the Jets faked an injury to stop the clock and give an exhausted defense a much-needed break on primetime national TV against the Dolphins on Sunday Night Football, you just knew the NFL would come down pretty hard on them, being all anti-cheating and all.
Still waiting, Rog.

#5
So apparently, a bunch of firefighters stood by and watched as someone’s house burned down because the owner didn’t pay firefighting dues or some shit.
To quote “Team America: World Police:” “America, fuck yeah!”

#6
R.I.P. to a true NFL legend, George Blanda. Amazing player, amazing story and the anti-Butt Favre to boot.

#7
Apparently, Jin from “Lost” is now part of the “Hawaii 5-0” cast. I guess he never had to leave the island, in the show or in real-life.

#8
Has anyone ever seen former Wolfpack hoopster Jeremy Hyatt and temporary Michigan State coach Don Treadwell in the same place at the same time?

#9
Stanford’s Andrew Luck, welcome to the Complete-Fucking-Dork-Who-Is-Also-A-Tremendous-Quarterback Club.
FYI, it’s just you and Peyton Manning right now.

#10
Need a Christmas idea for your toddler? How about the “Shark Attack” playset from Animal Planet?
Are you fucking kidding me?!
Let me get this straight: you’re targeting an age group (3 years and up) that is just beginning to learn about the water and swimming. And you’re painting a scene of a person in a cage being attacked by a goddam shark?! What?!
[speakless]

Sorry, Chuckles, But You Had To Know This Was Coming ...

With apologies to Charles Kuralt:

"What is it that binds us to this place as to no other?
It is not the tutor or the agents or the stonewalling the NCAA.
Or Marvin's hot July nights in Miami or the memory of that time Butch almost beat NC State.
Our loyalty is not only to Chris Hawkins, though we are proud of the 200 years he’s going to serve.
Nor even to John Blake, though we are proud of the players he bought for us the last three years.
No, our love for this place is based on the fact that it is, as it was meant to be, the University of the Cheaters."

Here's the original, in case you're interested.

Why M. Night Shyamalan Sucks Now

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I mean ... doesn't everyone want to know what happened to this dude?

New Information Has, Like, Come To Light, Morpheus

Well-played, sir. Well-played.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVII: Bitch Davis Is A Dead Man Walking, Plus Luck Is A Fantasy And Don Confides In Faye

The Holes have been cheating, and how
John Blake on agent payroll? Wow!
The tutor wrote papers and gave a hummer
They’ve been drugging their feet all summer
UNC-Cheat needs to fire Butch now

A top-25 ranking this week
Where will this season peak?
A 4-0 start for State
VT is next on the slate
Put the blinders on—don’t peek

So many seasons before have burned
And lots of trade offers been spurned
Now I can’t score points worth a lick
Yet 2-0-1? What a kick
Has the Scooters’ luck finally turned?

With the Fins, off are all bets
After losing to the goddam Jets
Play-calling is suspect at best
The Wildcat needs a rest
A win over the Patsies we gots to gets

Roger’s gotten Joan pregnant
Lucky Strikes gone despite Roger beggin’
A Chocolate Bunny for Lane?
‘Til his Dad beat ‘im down with a cane
Don goes from complicated to simple with Megan?

Last time …