Bud 'Round The Office

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Word to the swear jar.

A Dark Day In Scooterville ...

Apparently, Scarlett Johansson went ahead and got married in secret, thus destroying a potentially electric relationship between us that the paparazzi was bound to dub "Scootlett."

Oh, well. Her forehead was always too big for me anyway.

Limerick Friday LXXXXIV: Matt Millen, Pete Carroll And Skip Holtz Walked Into A Bar …

Can't believe Matt Millen finally lost his job
As a general manager, he was quite a fat slob
He had blackmail pictures of the owner with goats
But fans finally voted him out with their booing throats
He and Joey Harrington can now meet for a beer and a sob

The last game for the stadium in the Bronx
When you visit, all you hear are screams and honks
I went to a Yankees game there one time
Saw a bum pissing on the sidewalk while in line
Lotsa history ruined by its many bandwagon, red-hat-wearin' wonks

The economy has experienced a record drop
Who can fix it? Everyone's favorite grandpop
But is McCain's campaign now failin'?
And is he trying to hide Sarah Palin?
You're part of the problem, not the solution, so just stop

It's just like shootin' fish in a barrel
Happens every year under choking Pete Carroll
Another head-scratching loss for a team that's fakin'
They're the NCAA equivalent of Clay Aiken
The Pac 10 bottom-feeders always put USC at peril

The Fins kicked the shite out of the Pats
The Pack ruined the season of the delusional Pi-Rats
LSU took down Auburn in the fourth quarter
UNC lost to a coach with a giant goiter
A damn good football weekend, to my teams I tip my hats

Last time …

"Cujo" + "Prison Break" = Ratings Winner

Classic part is you can basically read the "W ... T ... F ..." in the other dogs' eyes.

The Greatest Worst Thing Ever: Scattered, Ironic, Smothered, Humiliated, Covered, Terrified And Diced

For years, one of my mottos has been, "Nothing good ever happens at the Waffle House." Now, I humbly say that I have been wrong for years. Consider me an enormous fan of any wedding vows that begin, "Well, since he had to work anyway …" and include the words "banana pancakes" anywhere within them.

Rings in waffles, amazing Christian-related wardrobes, kids picking noses, T-shirts saying "Father forgive them" …

Too many jokes. Brain hurting. Must. Look. Away.

[Editor's Note: This version has freaking audio if you're brave enough.]

Partial Qualifier Gets Fully Slammed

At the end of the day ... you're still just East Carolina.

Belichick Gets Bitch-Slapped, Soils Self, Doesn't Notice

38-13.

Irony, thy name is New England.

Cheat your way out of that one, Homeless Hoody and the Patsies.

Limerick Friday LXXXXIII: OSU Is Sports' Tina Turner: The Beatings Just Won't Stop

Before the game, "Go Bucks" is heard far and wide
After, Herbstreit and Musburger held each other and cried
It's like being in the Kentucky Derby and getting lapped
To repeatedly get in big games and get bitch-slapped
If Ohio State had any self-respect, they'd run away and hide

The Ryder Cup is off to a great start in Kentucky
It's time for the Americans to be more than plucky
Tiger always plays only for himself
So it's better for the U.S. that he's on the shelf
The Europeans always play for fun, like they don't give a fuck-y

It's hurricane season for a decimated Wall Street
Yet it hasn't been a storm that's knocked the economy off its feet
It's been an administration that's got its head up its ass
Stupider than DeSean Jackson going out for a long pass
Time to start over from scratch so we can avoid a repeat

'Bama and Arkansas is considered the Weasel Bowl
Between Saban and Petrino, who's the bigger asshole?
They both lie to the fans and media left and right
And both are prone to pick flight over fight
They'll compare notes about to which devil they sold their soul

Troubles ranging from melanoma to high cholesterol
Can McCain even make it through the campaign's long haul?
It's a far question to ask, every smart person says
So we're not left with a pageant winner as prez
Make the hypocrite's records public, unless you'd rather hide than stand tall

Last time …

"The Illusionist" Rules The Magic Genre In La-La Land

A couple of years back, Hollywood went through a minor, short-lived run of magician movies, highlighted by "The Prestige" and "The Illusionist." These two films came out at nearly the same time, but "The Illusionist" was far the superior, mostly because of the uncanny acting.

Edward Norton gives his best performance since "American History X" and "Primal Fear," starring as master magician Edward Eisenheim. His showing is bolstered by the always-phenomenal Paul Giamatti, who is captivating as Inspector Uhl.

Based on a short story by Steven Millhauser, "The Illusionist" follows a forbidden-love story in 20th-century Vienna. The familiar plot of the peasant boy (Eisenheim) and the duchess (Sophie, played by Jessica Biel) falling in love makes up the first half an hour or so of the film, but that aspect of the tale ends when Eisenheim is forced to flee by the duchess's family and guards.

Years later, fate intervenes to reunite the two. Eisenheim has ascended to the level of being considered the finest magician in the realm, while Sophie is engaged to be married to the philandering and abusive Crown Prince Leopold. During one of his shows after he returns to Vienna, Eisenheim calls Sophie on stage for a trick, and upon recognizing her, cleverly asks, "We've never met before, have we?"

After a personal invitation for a private performance in front of Leopold and his entourage, Eisenheim finally has a chance to speak with Sophie and rekindle their relationship. They begin meeting on the sly to try to understand how they lost track of each other and try to come to terms with what has brought them back together. She still wears a wooden charm necklace that he made for her as a child, and he tells her about how he journeyed to all corners of the globe in an effort to perfect his craft and penetrate all mysteries … yet, "the only mystery I never solved was why my heart couldn't let go of you." Of course, this reunion ends with the two of them rolling around Eisenheim's cabin in the woods, with the magician trying several lewd tricks to Sophie's apparent delight.

Jealous and frustrated by Eisenheim's amazing tricks and suspicious of his background, Leopold has his inspector, Uhl, begin to keep tabs on the magician. The shared childhood of Eisenheim and Sophie is eventually discovered by Uhl, who serves as a middle man between the battle of wills being waged by Eisenheim and Leopold. When Leopold is told of the secret rendezvous' and pre-existing relationship between the magician and his fiancé, the prince tells the inspector to find a way to bring down Eisenheim.

Meanwhile, Leopold confront his fiancé, telling her, "You think you're clever—and quite democratic in your friendships." After he hits her, she flees, and is later found dead in a stream, the mortal wound caused by a sword that most suspect belongs to Leopold himself.


Even though we are showed the body of Sophie and told that she is killed, it is hard to get past the belief that it is all a ruse, calling into question whether a magician's greatest trick might just be stealing a woman. It's a somewhat odd resolution to follow, because it's hard to get past the idea that something shady is up, that Sophie must still be alive somewhere and Eisenheim is undoubtedly behind it all.

After a pawn is put up and punished for being Sophie's murderer—which no one believes—a bitter and driven Eisenheim returns to the entertainment scene in Vienna, firing his manager, buying an old theater, renovating it and unveiling a new show, marked by a poster that simply states "Eisenheim." The magician tells his audience that he bends nature's laws, that he calls into question life and death, time and space, fate and chance. Uhl is ordered to continue following him, and when Eisenheim begins to summon illusions of dead people — which makes him truly become "The Illusionist" — the inspector basically arrests him for ghosts. Accused of charlatanism, necromancy, subverting the monarchy and double-parking, Eisenheim is repeatedly hassled by the authorities and threatened.

However, at some point, we recognize that Eisenheim has slowly started to win over the inspector, who tells someone, "A magic trick is not evidence." Uhl begins to see things the magician's way partially because of Eisenheim's apparent true love for Sophie and partially because of the recognition that Leopold is truly a sadistic bitch. Uhl eventually learns that Leopold has forged a hidden plot to overthrow his father, the king, and install himself as the monarch by way of coup.

The last scene where a disguised Leopold attends Eisenheim's final show is marked by incredible tension, and ends with a finale in which Eisenheim seemingly fades into nothingness. Afterward, when the magician cannot be found, Uhl confront his boss, Leopold, saying, "Perhaps there's truth in this illusion." Leopold then commits suicide, which would appear to have ended the speculation about Sophie's murderer and saved the monarchy.

But Uhl is unable to get Eisenheim's words — "What does it mean to die?" — out of his head and can't shake the feeling that the magician has pulled off his most amazing trick. Teased by the magician's purposely placed clues, Uhl finally unravels Eisenheim's plan and how he pulled it all off. The memorable final scene is marked by a montage and music that reveals the incredible twist.

The movie is shot like a dream at times, using slow-motion and blurred-edge techniques. These directorial decisions lend to the fairy-tale feeling that this film inspires, which only adds to the various plot lines, ranging from reunited lovers to the dark arts to conspiracies.

On an acting level, Biel just may have the best caboose in Hollywood, but her big teeth and inconsistent accent made her a difficult fit here. I've been an Edward Norton fan for quite a while—aided in no small way by admiration for anyone who has dated Salma Hayek—and his understated demeanor is perfectly complemented by the versatile, near-manic Giamatti.

The bottom line is that if you like fairy-tale-like period pieces carried by tremendous actors, then "The Illusionist" is certainly worth giving a spin.

"Groundhog Day 2" Being Replayed In Queens By Gutless Mets

After last season's epic collapse, this year's follow-up choke job for the Metsies was simply inevitable. And yesterday, after the fourth loss in five games, New York finally fell out of first place. On top of that, a pregame team meeting was promptly followed by being shut out again.

As manager Jerry Manuel gives vain pep talks and assumes the fetal position in the corner of the clubhouse, former Mets skipper Willie Randolph is somewhere sipping a gin and juice and laughing with Isaiah Thomas.

Serenity now.

From Zero To 60 -- To Zero -- In 61 Seconds

It didn't last long enough to qualify for fight of the year -- hell, it didn't last long enought to quality for round of the year -- but the Kendall Holt and Ricardo Torres rematch was scintillating. In 61 seconds, there were three knockdowns, one cheap shot, one completely overlooked accidental head butt, one of the best boxing quotes of all-time, a brutal body shot and one guy knocked completely the f out.

As I watched the final sequence, I was struck by a) there had to be more to it than the great body punch by Holt, b) his finishing right hand was a thing of perfect beauty and c) I caught a vicious accidental head butt that the announcers completely missed.

Then, this pearl of wisdom from Holt afterward: "I don't back down -- I lay backs down."

One of the announcers called it "61 seconds of searing action," and I'm not prepared to disagree with that. Awesome.

Limerick Friday LXXXXII: Charter Member, Bernard Pollard Fan Club

There was once a safety named Bernard
Who liked to blitz the quarterback very hard
Now he's got his own fan club
For putting a man named Brady in the tub
Now the Hoody has to play a different cheating card

Yet another hurricane approaches, name of Ike
The citizens of Texas have begun to take a hike
Flooding is predicted far and wide
Hope for all to avoid the deathly tide
But it would be kind of cool if the Bush compound it did strike

He threw jump balls to Moss for the Vikes
Tossed out of Miami, too hurt to take hikes
If an overrated QB falls without fanfare
Does anyone in the forest really care?
Daunte will spend the rest of his days on cruises with dykes

First he said the Prez doesn’t care about black folks
Now he's busy assaulting the paparazzi with kicks and pokes
Vandalism and battery are the charges for Kanye West
Who certainly seems to have a lot to get off his chest
But the world may be a bit safer if he took a few more tokes

To the desert she has gone away
To celebrate more than one birthday
How to make it through a week
Without her heart and soft cheek
Return to me soon, are the words that I say

And one more as a bonus …

Has it really been seven years
Since 9/11 brought to light all our fears?
Even as memories begin to fade
Can't forget the sacrifices that were made
New York, in your honor, I shed these tears

Last time …

"American Gangster" Is A Black "Scarface" Without The Edge

"See, ya are what ya are in this world. That's either one of two things: Either you're somebody … or ya ain't nobody."—Frank Lucas

I had high hopes for "American Gangster," based on the presence of accomplished actors like Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. However, not far into this one, it was apparent that director Ridley Scott had set out to make the "Black Scarface," (want a dose of subtlety? Check out the movie poster above, then click here for the Scarface version) making this flick fall far short of the goal.

This movie follows the story of Frank Lucas, who rises from a position as a driver and personal bodyguard for a street-level gangster named Bumpy Johnson to unparalleled power in Harlem. Soon after Johnson's death, Lucas sees a void in the area's gang structure, and he quickly makes moves to fill it to pre-empt power grabs by rival leaders.

Supposedly, "American Gangster" is based on a true story, although there is some question as to how much of the story is actually attributable to Frank Lucas, especially the alleged close ties to Johnson. Interestingly, Lucas's daughter Francine later went into the witness protection program and started up a program called Yellowbrickroads that offers resources to the children of incarcerated parents. Also, one of his sons, Frank Lucas, Jr., is now a hip-hop artist who has started the Frank Lucas brand with his dad. Lucas himself was confined to a wheelchair as of 2005, due to a car accident that broke his leg in two places.

Borrowing heavily from elements of the "Godfather" (obviously) and "Scarface" (as noted before), Lucas seizes onto the themes of order and discipline in his quest for success. Part of Lucas's rise to prominence is that he dresses and carries himself like a prominent businessman ("Listen to me, the loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room."), always immaculately and nattily (yeah, I used it) attired. Lucas fights hard to maintain the family structure and uphold his status as a good citizen, son and brother. He portrays himself as a church-going businessman, leading to some interesting juxtapositions. Ironically, the onset of his downfall begins when his wife gives him a fur pimp jacket as a present, which puts him on the radar of local police after they notice him at a boxing match schmoozing with some local crime-syndicate bigwigs.

When a rival gang leader tells him that the life they've chosen mandates a choice between having success and having enemies, or being unsuccessful and having friends, we begin to see the isolation that Lucas feels. He is warned repeatedly—"Quitting while you're ahead is not the same as quitting," he's told in a poignant moment—but nothing comes between him and his reckless downfall (Tony Montana, anyone?).

Fat Russell Crowe was stellar as always, shining as burned-out detective and wannabe lawyer Richie Roberts. This is the role that Bruce Willis tried to play in "16 Blocks," but simply came across as a little too world-weary and uncaring. But Crowe owns it, capturing the essence of a divorced bachelor who has nothing left but his job and a vague sense of morality. Early on in the film, Roberts finds a million dollars in unmarked bills, but he gives it back, which shows his principles, but also makes him a pariah among his police peers, for which bribery and extortion is a way of life. The turned-down money is a running theme in the flick, as it is mentioned over and over by characters who know Roberts only as the legendary (read: stupid) cop who won the lottery … then gave the ticket away. Crowe is also facing the uphill battle that comes along with a realization that those at the upper levels of government don't really want him to succeed at the job they've assigned him to—he says, "Judges, lawyers, cops, politicians … They stop bringing dope into this country, about a hundred thousand people are gonna be out of a job."

Even after his surprising turn in "No Country for Old Men," Josh Brolin is a bit hard to take seriously as the dirty cop, Detective Trupo. "Boyz N Da Hood" washup Cuba Gooding Jr. was insufferable even in a bit role as small-time hood Nicky Barnes; Gooding just always comes across like he's trying way too hard to revive a nonexistent career. Stunning Carla Gugino plays Roberts's ex-wife, Laurie, and my stance has always been that any movie is only going to get better the more Carla Gugino is in it. Unfortunately, they relegated her to a bit role, so they deserve the subpar end result.

Lucas's ace card is the development of Blue Magic, which is uncut, pure heroin directly from Southeast Asia. The kicker is he has made several deals that allow the heroin to be smuggled into the United States inside the coffins of dead Viet Nam soldier. The result is that he is able to eliminate the middle man and sell a product that is eminently better and much cheaper than his competition, creating a runaway train in the drug underworld of Harlem. What slows the pursuit of Lucas and helps keep the spotlight off him for a while is a bureaucratic indignation and disbelief that a black man has ascended to a kingpin position that is actually above the mafia in terms of power in New York City.

When Roberts is able to flip Lucas's cousin, a junkie, the task force begins to make the headway it needs to make a real and relevant push toward bringing Lucas's operation down. Some crucial scenes took place in the projects, a forbidding, dangerous, dark area, especially during that time in our country's history, with Watts, a tension-filled burgeoning civil rights movement and an ongoing war. In the climactic shootout scene, a soccer ball is shown in slow motion rolling down the hallway with a kid chasing it, sort of an overly used technique to build drama before the raid.

There is a strong, highly dramatic scene between Lucas and Roberts near the end, after Lucas is arrested, where Lucas alternately attempts to bribe and threaten Roberts. Instead, Roberts only wants to know how far the dirty-cop thread runs, and Lucas finally relents and says he'll reveal it all for some level of immunity. More than $250 million is confiscated from the Lucas empire and 30 members of Lucas's family are convicted of trafficking and sent to prison. Amazingly, 75% of the New York City Drug Enforcement Agency is convicted with Lucas's help, with more than 100 convictions in all.

Lucas is sentenced to 70 years, which is reduced to just 15, while Roberts eventually becomes a district attorney. In the cheesy final scene, when Roberts is finally released from prison, Roberts is there to meet him and buy him a cup of coffee. The ensuing meander through the streets of Harlem doesn't fit the rest of the movie and stamps the ending with a weak, off-the-mark note.

One of the problems is that I've seen Denzel Washington in this role too many times; it becomes the equivalent of a Will Ferrell movie or character that you feel like you've watched five times already. Combine that sense of familiarity and déjà vu with some rather blatant rip-offs of gangster flicks like "Scarface," "Godfather" and "Goodfellas," and you're left with the resulting lack of originality that makes it seem like you have seen this one before. Ridley Scott appeared to have all the pieces in place, but came up with a hollow flick that strived for a bang … but left with a whimper.

The Solution For Our Country? Unquestionably, Monty Python

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For anyone who disagrees … I fart in your general direction.

We Are Here To Pump ... You Up

Epic mullet from Patrick Swayze, vintage-era Dana Carvey and the understated brilliance of Kevin Nealon (who's had a career resurgence on "Weeds").

That's good medicine for a case of the Mondays.

Saturday Smells Like Foster's And Mayhem

An ode to bouncing back ...

Gentle pretzels
May you carry me away
To Carter-Finley
With visions of the Foxy
And an angry liver
Make it rain
Then run home in it
Drive through it
Pac Man Jones would be proud
Four a.m.
The soul's midnight
Life tastes
Of Tylenol and White Russians
Shut the fuck up, Donnie
Recovery time
Like dog years
Football is here
Bring me a headache and haze
From Bill & Mary

I blame it all on Sam.

Limerick Friday LXXXXI: Creepy Old Man + Pageant Contestant = Welcome To Your New Republican Party

Right-wing psychos praying for rain is a bit strange
Scared of Obama's convention speech about change
Ironically, Focus on Family is what these wingnuts are called
Yet at Miss Teen Alaska's daughter's baby daddy, they're not appalled
McCain is a desperate old man out of touch and out of range

Jackass Jay Mariotti quitting is rich
Chicago sports fans burned him like a witch
His best column simply read "I quit"
Said newspapers are dying bit by bit
"Around the Horn" just gained a full-time bitch

David Duchovny has always been a rather creepy dude
Now he finds himself in treatment for basically being rude
At 48, he's got a sex addiction and a failing career
But Scully has known about this for many a year
She once found him in an X-Files-rated situation with an alien, nude

Joe Pa has more convicts than a pep rally
Turns out pot is the reason it's called Happy Valley
"It's a witch hunt!" he yells at the printed page
Then he goes out for a spin and some road rage
Enjoys 3 p.m. dinners as the arrests continue to tally

In Motor City, it's all about Gucci-Gate
Ripping your teammate's gear is about hate
Luggage, money and boxers stolen by Tatum Bell
Rudi Johnson got back to his locker and said, "What the hell?!"
Unfortunately, the theft was the longest carry by Bell of late


Last time …

Light Up Your Night At Solas

Admirably representing the Gaelic word for "light," Solas jauntily rises phoenix-like from the heart of trend-setting Glenwood South, achieving a literal and figurative pinnacle of culinary excellence and cultural decadence the likes of which have never been seen in North Carolina's versatile and amiable capital city.

Or maybe it's just a really cool three-story restaurant and club that attracts equal parts hotness and cheese from the surrounding area. I guess you'll have to decide for yourself.

Owned by Hibernian founder Niall Hanley, Solas blends the best parts of gastro-fusion cuisine, big-city nightlife and small-city atmosphere. I'll admit to a smidgen of impartiality, considering that my brother is executive chef, but I've been there twice to eat and several times to tour during the construction process, and I've been struck by the ambitious nature of Niall's design and the all-inclusive variety of the menu. Having been open only a month or so, Solas has already been visited by pop celeb John Mayer, stomach-stapled crooner John Popper and Olympic gold medalist swimmer (and NC State grad) Cullen Jones, among others.

The Web site has been a trifle hit or miss, but here are a coupla other links (News & Observer, Raleigh Chronicle and Independent Weekly) to check out if you are interested. So go get your best duds, head down to Solas and get your Chicago on.

This Happened, Pig Pickin' Style

Skullet: "An aging mullet that is bald on the top with normal mullet in back." (Source: Mullet Definitions)

The oft-seen, rarely captured skullet in action.

Enjoy.