That Time Don Draper Got Rickrolled

More Joanie dancing needed ...

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: The First Lady Owns Charlotte, Plus Long Nights And Hopeful Days

In the midst of hatred and ire

A memorable speech to inspire

Michelle Obama took the stage

And used logic to defuse rage

An elegant role model to admire

Dez Bryant, an immature young pup

Strip clubs, arrests and piss in a cup

His Mom just 13 years older

So he punched her in the head and shoulder

Now he has a babysitter, can’t make it up

Against Tennessee, State laid a big fart

Didn’t play physical or smart

Expectations lessened once again

“Groundhog Day” meets “Just win”

Another year, another slow start

Cheat enough to change your fate

Say sorry then increase the cheating rate

The Pack makes the NCAA nervous

So they took it out on Wilson and Purvis

So mad at the cheaters they punished State

Too many moments of touch and go

Too many answers of “We don’t know”

So we burned up I-40 East

And were there, at the least

To offer what we could to beloved Mo

Last time …

FF2012, Part Deux: Wrapping Up And Escaping The Hell’s Angels of Wake Forest

As you could have surmised from Part I of our draft recap, we were drafting in a rather, um, colorful environment. By the time there were only a few rounds left, we were starting to get some looks and the pace of the picks ramped up (thank goodness).

Anyway, here’s what went down the rest of the way ...

10^th round, 133^rd overall: Cowboys, D/ST, Dallas

In need of a defense, I snagged Dallas here. Though they face a difficult schedule, I like the additions of Morris Claiborne and Brandon Carr at cornerback, and Claiborne could bring some return TDs as well. The Cowboys should give me at least a competitive D/ST this year, with the potential to develop into a top-five-caliber unit (that’s what she said). Of course, whenever Jerry Jones is in the mix, the possibility of a cataclysmic disintegration of the entire team is possible.

11^th round, 148^th overall: Jared Cook, TE, Tennessee Titans

In Round 9, the dude picking one spot ahead of me nabbed Jason Witten, who I had tabbed as a mid-round steal due to, well, a ruptured spleen or something. Anyway. Cook was a guy I had targeted as a sleeper-type, and the dude I had as a TE sleeper last year turned out pretty OK—Jimmy Graham. Cook was hard to stop down the stretch a season ago, and the hope is that second-year quarterback Jake Locker will look his way early and often this year, as young signal-callers are wont (look it up) to do. I’ll need a strong backup in case Cook tanks, but at this point, I’m digging the pick.

12^th round, 161^st overall: Jake Locker, QB, Tennessee Titans

Speaking of Locker, it behooves me to share that, in our league, any player taken after the 12^th round in a draft can be “kept” as a sixth-rounder the following season provided you keep that 12^th-rounder on your roster all year long. So I likely would not have chosen Locker here except that I needed a backup quarterback and he fits the mold of a player with breakout potential, which would make him a keeper next year. He also brings a mobility dimension to the position that plays well in fantasy football ... but I do admit that I am somewhat concerned that I took back-to-back Titans players.

13^th round, 176^th overall: Michael Floyd, WR, Arizona Cardinals

Thus far in the preseason, the reviews on Floyd have not been favorable, and he hasn’t made the impact that many had predicted thus far in Arizona. I considered him to be a bit overrated and a bit of an off-the-field risk coming into April’s draft, so that doesn’t shock me, but as another potential keeper, there is a lot of talent there if the light comes on. I’m not sure John Skelton is the triggerman of whom any wideout says, “This guy can get me to the next level,” but Floyd is a solid No. 5 wideout on my squad and plays for a team that is likely to find itself playing from way behind most of the year.

So do we get any points for stiff arms?

14^th round, 190^th overall: Owen Daniels, TE, Houston Texans

Daniels certainly isn’t a game-breaker, but he’s long been a solid target and favorite of Schaub, making him a nice fit as a backup tight end on the Scooters. I was a tad surprised he lasted into the 14^th round, but with the focus for many shifting to kickers and defense, this seemed like a nice value selection. Speaking of kickers and defenses, I had to start scrambling for those—always the least-favorite part of your fantasy football draft day.

15^th round, 205^th overall: Alex Henery, K, Philadelphia Eagles

The Iggles seem to score a lot of points. Michael Vick seems destined for a dislocated pancreas this year. That should mean more field goals. Sold.

16^th round, 218^th overall: Devery Henderson, WR, New Orleans Saints

Henderson was a guy that I liked a lot more than most, as you can never go wrong with a Saints skill player. And with Robert Meacham off to San Diego, he has moved up to No. 3 on the WR chart for New Orleans—behind two guys who seem perpetually injured (Marques Colston and Lance Moore). Anyway, this was an extreme value pick and a guy I had pegged for going a couple of rounds earlier, so this was the ideal way for me to round out my receiving corps.

17^th round, 233^rd overall: Mike Nugent, K, Cincinnati Bengals

I hesitated to draft someone who even shares a last name with that disturbed piece of shit Ted Nugent, and my mood didn’t improve much when I found out that Mike had already been injured. But as my No. 2 kicker, I filed it under the advice provided by that sage guru Clark W. Griswold: “Do you really think it matters Eddie?”

18^th round, 246^th overall: Rams, D/ST, St. Louis

This was my final choice of a marathon draft and one of the only defenses left. Beyond that, I have absolutely nothing cogent to offer about this choice.

SUMMARY:

Headed into this draft, I already had a cornerstone wide receiver in Antonio Brown as a keeper, so there certainly wasn’t a concrete decision made to use three of my top four picks on wideouts. But that’s just how the draft board fell for me, and with the rise of RB-by-committee approaches and the rules changes to benefit aerial attacks, WRs are gaining in value on running backs.

Obviously, I am tremendously strong at wide receiver, and I also like the depth of my running back corps. I am cautiously optimistic at quarterback, iffy at tight end and likely looking to play a bit of waiver-wire bingo to shore up my defense/special teams units. Kicker? I mean, it’s hard to tell.

As the season progresses, I have more than enough ammo at the skill positions to upgrade at tight end or defense or even quarterback if necessary—which is always a good position to be in. I think the boom-or-bust player is likely to be Matt Schaub; if he can play like he did before he was injured, my team should really take off. If he is rusty and/or reinjured, I’m going to be scrambling at that spot. But the reality is most teams in fantasy football likely feel the same way.

On a side note, I was borderline shocked that LeGarrette Blount wasn’t selected at all in a 14-team, 18-round draft. Sure, he’s lost the starting job to a rookie, but the guy has done some strong things in this league and ... well, I just was very surprised at that. Carry on.

Anyway, I am once more happy overall with the way the draft came together for the Scooters, but I’ve certainly been in this position before. Will injuries take mercy on my squad this year? Will youngsters blossom and oldsters dig out one more productive year? Or will jitters and growing-old-overnight ruin my chances?

The answers to those questions are why we play, mates. They’re why we play.

FF 2012: Challenging Irish Samoan Biker Fans In North Carolina

It’s not every year you have a fantasy football draft at an Irish pub in North Carolina populated by bikers and dudes wearing Haloti Ngata jersey T-shirts, but that’s where I found myself a few days back. Throw in some leather-faced ‘neck chicks assaulting a slot machine of a serene summer eve, and you have all the signs that football is back in the air.

Of course, not 24 hours later, I found out one new player had a foot infection and then 10 minutes after turning on the TV, watched as another player turned his ankle. So it is already shaping up to be another Scooters fantasy football year very early on ...

Without further ado ...

1^st round, 8^th Overall: Megatron, WR, Detroit Lions

With Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees and Tom Brady already off the board at No. 8, this was a relatively easy pick. I thought for a few seconds about Matthew Stafford because of how quarterback-slanted our league’s scoring leagues are, but I just think Calvin Johnson was way too good to pass up here. The dude catches anything within a 20-foot radius, has go-go-gadget arms and boasts the speed for distance scores. Also, he’s a Transformer.

2^nd round, 21^st overall: Stephen Jackson, RB, St. Louis Rams

Somehow, some way, I always end up with S-Jax on my team every freaking year. Every year, I think the Rams are going to be better and he’s going to get more goal-line opportunities. Every year, he destroys his body racking up yards, only to see Insertkickernamehere miss a 52-yarder. Well, dammit, here we are again, and I’m fighting for optimism once more. I cain’t quit you, Stephen Jackson. He should catch more passes out of the backfield and benefit from a few breathers every now and again. And if not, I’m never drafting him again. Seriously. I promise. Well ... I mean, maybe if he slides ...

3^rd round, 36^th overall: Wes Welker, WR, New England Patriots

For a Dolphins fan, you must understand that this choice is like choosing the devil as your bowling partner. However, with Megatron and Antonio Brown (my sixth-round keeper) already in the fold, I now have the makings of a stellar WR corps as the core of my team. I was surprised Welker slid this far, and headed into a contract year, I think he’s going to benefit from added attention for “Meathead” Gronkowski and “Tattoo” Hernandez all season long. And as a side bonus, I won’t be that upset if Welker gets injured or disappears. And yes, I’m fully aware that I jinxed myself in a big way.

4^th round, 49^th overall: Steve Smith, WR, Carolina Panthers

OK, so I have a love-hate relationship with Steve Smith. I love the way he plays the game, his tenaciousness and the competitive fire to prove everyone whoever doubted him wrong. But I hate his attitude and his lack of focus, which always seem to pop up at the worst possible times. I think Cam Newton has rejuvenated Smith’s career, and Smith is worth having simply because of how valuable he is on distance broken plays created by Newton buying time. And with Megatron, Welker and Brown, I also have coverage in case Smith, you know, beats the giant teeth out of Newton’s head on the team plane or something.

5^th round, 64^th overall: Shonn Greene, RB, New York Jets

Every year features a pinch-your-nose-and-gulp pick, and this was it for the Scooters. In my defense, I was in need of a running back and Greene was the only back left without a large question mark next to his name in terms of injury, workload or offense (Was there one next to talent? Maybe). New offensive coordinator Tony Sparano is a three-yards-and-a-cloud-of-field goals coach, and my guess is he’ll hammer the absolutely crap out of Greene since there isn’t a legit quarterback on this squad. What does that translate to for Greene? Hard to say, but the hope is that I won’t have to use him too often. [Insert your own Tebow-is-the-best-back-on-the-team-anyway joke here.]

6^th round, 77^th overall: Antonio Brown, WR, Pittsburgh Steelers

As a post-12^th-round selection from the year before, I was able to designate Brown a sleeper for the price of a sixth-rounder, so I pulled the trigger. This move looked even better when Mike Wallace was holding out, but I still think Brown is Ben Roethlisberger’s most reliable non-bar-bathroom-stall target, and Wallace has post-holdout-hamstring-injury written all over him this year. Either way, I’m a Brown fan (though I fear he’s going to injure himself doing his TD dance) and liked the idea of landing my fourth top-notch receiver in this spot.

7^th round, 92^nd overall: Jonathan Stewart, RB, Carolina Panthers

I was mildly surprised that Stewart was still around in this position, and even though he injured his ankle in the preseason, I snapped him up. There are obvious questions about the Panthers RB situation with DeAngelo Williams and even Mike Tolbert in play, along with goal-line vulture Cam Newton. The good news is that, in my estimation, Stewart is their best back, and I was happy to offset the Greene choice with a back of Stewart’s caliber here. If all goes right, he’ll be more of a bye-week contributor anyway ... as long as he stays on Steve Smith’s good side.

8^th round, 10^th overall: Matt Schaub, QB, Houston Texans

Again, I was surprised to grab a quarterback of Schaub’s pedigree at this point. Sure, he’s coming off a major injury and is arguably on the downside of his career, but he’s got some intriguing weapons and is only a couple of years removed from a near-5,000-yard campaign. And after losing some firepower on defense, I have to wonder whether the Texans will be in more shootouts in 2012. With Arian Foster and Ben Tate lugging the rock, the play-action shots to Andre Johnson should continue to flow, so despite missing out on the big QB names, I was pretty happy with nabbing Schaub at this spot.

9^th round, 120^th overall: David Wilson, RB, New York Giants

I wasn’t really looking to round out my running back corps with this pick, but when Wilson was still around, I took the plunge. The rookie out of Virginia Tech was a first-rounder for a reason, and Ahmad Bradshaw hasn’t been the healthiest of backs during his time in New York. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Wilson at least splitting carries at some point this year, and his sheer upside made him a quality selection at this stage. Halfway through the draft, I was a little nervous about tight end and defense/special teams, but in terms of skill-position depth, I didn’t think it could’ve gone a whole lot better for the Scooters.

Next up: Part II ...

“Most Important” Preseason Game Also Most Revealing For Reeling ‘Fins

Anyone who’s anyone in the NFL (and even those who aren’t anyone) will tell you about the importance of the third preseason game. It’s the first one of the exhibitions that feature teams game-planning specifically for one another, when first-teamers play well into the second half, when a regular-season atmosphere is instilled.

If all that’s true, it may be an even longer season than I previously anticipated. Last week, Miami had a rough go of it vs. the Panthers, and this week the Dolphins took on Atlanta—a bonafide playoff team—in monsoon-like conditions at ProSunDolphinLandSharkRobbie Stadium Park.

THE POSITIVES:

• On “Hard Knocks,” offensive guard John Jerry has been a whipping boy, being given rep after rep after rep until he either gets it, throws up, loses some weight—or all three. Why is he in the coaches’ sights so much? Because as Dolphins line coach Jim Turner said on the show, Jerry has All-Pro potential. Players should be worried only when coaches don’t even try with them. Jerry backed up the added attention with strong play vs. Atlanta, combination-blocking effectively and paving the way for some nice running yardage in the first half. Lack of consistency has been one of his key issues, so can he keep it up? That’s the biggest question for this kid.
• Speaking of running the ball, second-year tailback Daniel Thomas looked good against the Falcons. He ripped off a couple of sizeable runs, and in general looked much quicker and more committed to his cuts than he did a year ago. He should offer Miami a nice change of pace with Reggie Bush this year.
• Cameron Wake looked like, well, Cameron Wake. Freakish ability. The next step for Cam is to turn good plays into great plays by forcing turnovers, but it’s hard to believe he isn’t capable of doing just that.
• Koa Misi, who has been treading on the “bust” line for a couple of years now, looks reborn as a 4-3 linebacker. He still has some fundamentals to nail down when he’s playing out in space, but his play has been one of the few bright spots this preseason for the Dolphins.
• Gary Guyton looks to be a nice addition as a backup linebacker. The former Patriot is pretty active in the passing lanes, and depending on your how-full-is-the-glass outlook, he either broke up two passes the other night or dropped two interceptions.
• The light has appeared to have come on for cornerback Sean Smith. The dreadlocks are gone, the confidence is there and he is much more physical in run support. Headed into a contract year, Smith appears to have at least put himself in position to emerge as a plus defender for the ‘Fins.
• Try as I might, I am having a hard time envisioning a scenario where Marlon Moore doesn’t make the team as a fifth or sixth receiver. He is just too valuable on special teams and too promising as a wideout to give up on at this point, in my estimation.
• Also on special teams, it was surprising to see veteran running back Steve Slaton make a couple of plays in that area the other evening. He also looked solid catching passes out of the backfield, and he may have regained the advantage for the No. 4 RB spot from Marcus Thigpen.
• I thought backup quarterback Matt Moore threw several nice balls in relief against the Falcons, but he was absolutely wrecked by mind-numbing dropped passes. I still view Moore as an asset to this squad from a leadership and experience perspective.

THE NEGATIVES:

• The red-zone offense still needs a lot of work. For a team that doesn’t look to find itself in that vicinity very often in 2012, Miami needs to find a way to convert for seven instead of three every now and again.
• At safety, Reshad Jones is way out of position way too often. He’s basically been gift-wrapped a starting job this offseason, but he certainly hasn’t put his stamp on the position.
• One of the players that everyone pointed to immediately as gaining the most from the hiring of Joe Philbin was H-back Charles Clay. After showing some signs as a receiving threat as a rookie a season ago, Clay has been inconsistent this preseason. For a team screaming for some type of threat to emerge in the passing game, I have to consider Clay a big disappointment thus far.
• On that same thread, the receivers on the whole (including the tight ends) continue to be, well, depressing. I lost track of dropped passes against Atlanta, and when you add a position-wide inability to gain separation, that’s a pretty bad combo.
• As noted above, it looked like Marcus Thigpen took a step back in his quest to earn a job in the running back corps. He dropped a potential big gainer and was nondescript in the return game, severely hurting his chances.
• Elsewhere in the running back competition, rookie Lamar Miller again failed to make an impact. I still think he runs tentatively and hasn’t been put in position to use his speed in space. I also question why he hasn’t seen any action returning kicks as well—if Thigpen is borderline to make the team, what is the backup plan in the return game? I don’t think they want to put their No. 1 (shudder) receiver, Davone Bess, back there anymore.
• Is “7/11” finally closed? “Hard Knocks” darling Chris Hogan received no legitimate snaps against the Falcons, making it difficult to see how he possibly fits on the active roster at this point.

THE TRADE:

Over the weekend, Miami traded underachieving fourth-year corner Vontae Davis to the Indianapolis Colts for a second-rounder and a sixth-rounder in next year’s draft. My first impression was that the Dolphins did surprisingly well in compensation for a player who was first benched and then mocked on a national stage. My second impression is that Miami continues to leak talent without bringing much or any of it back into the fold.

There’s no question that Davis is a headcase (who once injured himself celebrating a tackle) with maturity issues, but his corner skills are unquestioned and he has the talent to become a top-five cornerback in this league. At 24 years old, the biggest question for the new few years will be whether the ‘Fins gave up on the former first-rounder too early. One only need to look at his brother, Vernon, who suffered through many of the same knuckleheaded, uncoachable issues for years before emerging as one of the NFL’s top tight ends in San Francisco.

To me, one of the key variables was the relative emergence of fellow cornerback (and draft classmate) Sean Smith, as noted above. Thus far, Smith seems to have overcome the same maturity and discipline problems that he shared with Davis, and many feel Smith has turned a corner (pun intended) this year (knock on wood). With Smith’s contract expiring soon, I always felt that Miami would eventually be forced to choose between Smith and Davis, not having the money to re-sign both. Well, Smith took the necessary step forward while Davis took several steps back, helping to make that decision easier—and quicker.

So while many see this as a move to remove a problem child, I think the Dolphins got very strong value for a promising young player that didn’t work out in Miami. Now, whether you think general manager Jeff Ireland will just find a way to screw up that second-rounder by picking someone who he’ll either cut or trade for a sixth-rounder two years later is another issue ... but the reality is that the time was right to jettison Davis while he still was an appreciated commodity.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: Dunder-Mifflin Prepping To Say Goodbye, Plus A Brutal Habit Returns

Inevitable words finally came

But the disappointment still the same

“The Office” final season

Leaving for a good reason

They’ll go in comedy’s Hall of Fame

An offensive line coming up lame

Wide receivers that no one can name

Let’s throw in a rookie QB

Then whine when he goes 6 for 23

Tannehill’s gonna catch all the blame

Just another misogynist ape

Talking about legitimate rape

Akin the worst of all

For his ouster, all call

Every politician mouth deserves duct tape

WebSourced is back, it seems

Creepy Wasps with dreams

Let’s restart the illegal tactics

And pray for no fact-checks

This is the stuff of Internet memes

Another year, another draft day

Sleepers and busts, whaddya say

Back to torture us again

‘Til a kicker costs you a win

Fantasy football, we all must play

Last time …

Brutal Preseason Showing Uncovers What Looks Like A 5-11 Miami Squad

The ‘Fins entered Week 2 of the preseason with the most excitement surrounding the squad since Gloria Estefan became part owner, bolstered by the announcement that rookie Ryan Tannehill would be getting the start nod at quarterback. Unfortunately, much like Gloria Estafan, Miami was felled by a runaway bus driven by Cam Newton.

Here’s the ugly truth of what happened in Charlotte against the Panthers:

THE POSITIVES

• No turnovers (yay?).
• Sean Smith looks more confident at cornerback. Can he parlay it into actual games and drop fewer than double-digit picks this year?
• Tailback/return man Marcus Thigpen looks like a gamer, with a few nice grabs and some nifty returns. Prediction: He beats out Steve Slaton for the fourth running back job.
• Reserve corner Nolan Carroll looks markedly stronger (and less lost) this year.
• Reality-show creation Chris Hogan lived up to the “Hard Knocks” billing a bit with a couple of nice grabs. More importantly, he made a big tackle inside the 10-yard line on a kickoff return—key because he’ll have to make an impact on special teams in order to make the squad.
• Undrafted free agent Derrick Shelby flashed against the second- and third-stringers, providing a good push and good energy at defensive end. Of course, the downside of that is he is significantly outplaying third-round draft pick Olivier Vernon.

THE NEGATIVES

• The Dolphins.
• Seriously, though, rookie Jonathan Martin was repeatedly turnstiled at right tackle. Yes, it’s early, but he appears to lack strength and you can’t convince me that he’s not Marc Columbo’s illegitimate brother at this point.
•  The entire offensive line looked brutal.
• The wide receiving corps, to be kind, is not NFL quality. When you’re counting down the moments until Brian Hartline returns to practice, that’s really all you need to say about the state of this position.
• The replacement refs. Listen, I know they’re in a tough spot, but it appeared that some of these guys were members of Steve Smith’s family. The Carolina receiver attacked Vontae Davis (who’s having a bad-enough camp as it is) on several plays in a row, then ripped his helmet off at one point ... and Davis got the personal foul! Moments later, Sean Smith perfectly played a deep ball, reeled in the pick—and got whistled for a phantom pass interference call. Roger Goodell should be upping the offer to the real officials today ... you know, between quiet phone calls with Deepthroat.
• Rookie tailback Lamar Miller appears to play much slower than his reported speed. Perhaps a hysterical Miami assistant will tag him “Ankle Weights” Miller in this week’s very special installment of “Hard Knocks.”
• Third-round newcomer Michael Egnew is so bad at tight end that they may cut him before the regular season—you know, about a year earlier than they usually cut their third-round draft picks. I mean, when you’re getting outshone by guys who most recently played basketball and lacrosse, it’s just not going well for you.
• I’m not saying Yeremiah Bell (now with the Jets) was the long-term answer or anything, but safety is going to be a real problem for the Dolphins again this year. Neither Chris Clemons nor Reshad Jones are starting-caliber safeties in this league, bottom line.
• Early in his NFL career, Mike Pouncey has been solid at best, a first-round center who struggles in short yardage. He also seems to be more interested in image and promotion than the game at times, and playing grabass with Carolina quarterback Cam Newton not only after the game but at halftime does nothing to alter the perception that he’s not focused on his craft. Now, I’m not one of these guys who thinks players shouldn’t socialize or anything like that, but can you at least hold the lingering full-body embraces until after the freaking game?
• As noted earlier, the offensive line bears most of the blame for pressure in Tannehill’s face, but the rookie signal-caller also had four passes tipped at the line of scrimmage. Miami is going to need more designed rollouts for the youngster to take advantage of his athleticism and minimize a leaky offensive front.
• As Dolphins beat writer Armando Salguero pointed out weeks ago, a frenetic pace  and a hurry-up style is all well and good on offense—if you are actually moving the ball and scoring points. If not, well, all you’re doing is exhausting an already-overrated defense and giving the opposition more possessions. Therein lies the real danger of coach Joe Philbin’s approach for an undermanned, inexperienced attack.

BONUS THOUGHT

• How much freaking money do the Panthers have tied up in running backs?! I mean, they just signed Jonathan Stewart to a $36.5 million extension, a year after re-upping DeAngelo Williams to the tune of $43 million. For good measure, they inked Mike Tolbert to a $10 million deal in the offseason. Is it me, or does $90 million sound like a lot to invest in that position when your quarterback is actually your best running back?

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVII: Pussy Riot Shouldn’t Be In Jail, Plus The Misogyny Campaign Gets Cranking

“Pussy Riot attacks Putin,” they said

A headline you can’t dream up dead

Even in commie Russia, it’s wild

Now they’re going to be trialed

Why couldn’t this happen to Bieber instead?

A bipolar receiver got cut

After a wifely head butt

If Chad Johnson could actually play

They might look the other way

But good riddance to a washed-up nut

Can’t read or watch the news

Without getting a severe case of the blues

A suicide bomb killed 40 there

Murders and fraud everywhere

So many lost and so much left to lose

Likeability “Big Brother” does lack

Middle-aged tools keep coming back

A twitchy 9-year-old creep scheming

A chef who can’t talk without screaming

Liked it better when it wasn’t so whack

In the latest GOP steaming shit heap

They’ve picked Paul Ryan as Veep

A Tea Party tool in the spotlight

Should go over well in a debate fight

Politics in general should be put to sleep

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 59

 #1

Val Patterson, you’re my hero. “Or, How to Live a Memorable Life and Then Write a Memorable Obituary.”

#2

It’s hard to keep track of the number of ongoing scandals at UNC, but does the ruling on Bitch Davis’s phone records mean we’ll never get a transcript of his drunk-dialing of Dawn Bunting?

#3

In case you have a healthy disrespect for iconic images and an unhealthy obsession with “Star Wars,” here are some memorable pictures featuring action figures.

#4

Have you ever seen U.S. women’s soccer star Megan Rapinoe and “Point Break” actress Lori Petty in the same place at the same time? Me neither.

#5

Rarely has one magical image better captured a human’s love for a dog. And the back story ain’t bad either.

#6

Apparently, Jimmy Johnson wouldn’t have cut Chad Johnson. In terms of pertinence, this is akin to soliciting Keith Richards’s perspective on sobriety.

#7

Finally, Mitt Romney’s tax return. What was the big deal over this anyway?

#8

I’d like to submit to evidence reason #406 why Jim Mora Jr. is a complete and utter douchebag. Also, not a good football coach.

#9

The definition of irony can be ascertained by observing driving interactions in a church parking lot on Christmas or Easter.

#10

NBC elected to employ a tape-delay approach to the Olympics an instant-gratification world. But to make up for it, they used analysts who had little to no interest in actually explaining unfamiliar sports or rules to the casual viewer. Besides those small points, great job, NBC.

KFC's Got the Gayest Chicken

KFC Loves Gays with John Goodman from John Goodman      

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVI: Remembering How It All Began, Plus Samuel L. Jackson’s Parenting Skills

A trip down memory lane

Of MSI going up in flames

Remembering games of whiffle

With a headshake and a sniffle

Sauceboxes made sense of the insane

Who knew they had theaters for porn vid?

Apparent Fred Willard did

Got caught Pee Weeing his Herman

Instead of giving a contrite sermon

He laughed it off like a 72-year-old kid

Ernie Els added to his trophy fame

Adam Scott lost the Open in shame

He had a mighty choke

To lose it all by a stroke

But both brought class to the game

In the wake of Sanduskygate

Deserved hammering of Penn State

The NCAA weighed in fast

Which is unlike their history past

But they deserved their ultimate fate

 

Blessed we are once again

A healthy wee next of kin

Taken our home from three to four

A boy and a girl we adore

Now just go the fuck to sleep, Finn

Last time …

Moving “Swell Season” Shows Just How Far Music Can Take Love Before It Burns Out

"Fair play to those who dare to dream ..."

The Swell Season has played a large role in my personal musical journey in recent years, from their appearance in the mind-bogglingly amazing movie “Once” to their Scooties-worthy album to appearances at the NorthCarolina Museum of Art and Meymandi Music Hall here in Raleigh, and even to their cover of Neutral Milk Hotel’s “Two-Headed Boy.” So when the documentary “Swell Season” was released, it was obviously must-see TV for me.

Using a slow, laconic pace and a melancholy feel, which fit quite nicely with the stark black-and-white footage, “Swell Season” documented the burgeoning love affair between hyper-talented musicians Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. The movie opened with the intimacy of Marketa giving Glen a haircut, before launching into the following of the tour and the duo’s budding relationship.

While Glen is a veteran of the road, Marketa is so young and painfully shy, to the point where she refuses to even take pictures with fans. As the film progresses, it becomes obvious that they are experiencing different stages of life (after all, he’s 18 years older). Both Glen and Marketa quickly become homesick and a bit depressed, and it becomes clear that Glen can’t prop them both up when he’s also dealing with his own issues.

What quickly becomes apparent as well is that Glen is afflicted with the self-doubt that comes with someone who is finally NOT the underdog. It is easy to tell how much this unexpected fame weighed on him, as he becomes increasingly anxious. At heart, he’ll always be a busker, and it appears he’ll never quite get used to the fame. Where he once battled to gain attention, now he struggles to handle everything that comes along with finally having “made” it—proving that the struggle only changes ... it’s never really over. Glen is forced to face the questions that come about when you chase fame forever: What happens when you finally get it? How do you handle it?

What doesn’t help is Marketa’s admonitions for Glen to relax and stop fighting it. Marketa thinks Glen is taking himself too seriously, and the lingering shots and silences that accompany this opinion display the amount of damage—potentially irreparable—this statement this could do to their relationship.

Musically, Marketa’s sensitive playing and delicate voice take off Glen’s hard edge. But while he’s the life of the party, she’s introverted. Both struggle immensely in wearing the crown of fame, an uneasy and confusing fit for both of their personalities. As a result, they are only able to balance each other out musically—not emotionally.

The behind-the-scenes insight into songwriting is where the film truly shines, and the film gets profound when Glen explores his father’s dark, disturbed past. The breakup songs they sing to each other are prophetic, becoming true as the movie progresses, and we finally realize that it is easier for them to communicate through their music.

The film draws to a close with some post-breakup, late-tour footage, showing Glen playing an acoustic solo in the middle of Radio City Music Hall, with Marketa leaning in from the edge of the stage. I felt the shot of her listening intently, a faint smile lingering on her lips, would have been the ideal fade-to-black moment, but the directors chose to go in a different direction.

What “Swell Season” is, in the end, is not a concert movie or a band documentary, but a love story lived out on screen. Though we know what’s going to happen, it is still sad and beautiful, and we still applaud how brave these two are and were to bare their souls (and, unexpectedly, at one point their bodies) so transparently in this manner. Glen and Marketa were unable to overcome their disparities in age and life experiences, nor their personality gaps, but the musical connection and moment in time that they created together will always stand ... though the love that encircled it may have to wait for another life.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXV: Godspeed To Ikey Boy, Plus Another Tragedy in Colorado

Would play fetch to hell and back

And eat frozen peas as a snack

Content with a hug and belly rub

Then wait out storms in a tub

A big heart and spirit Ike didn’t lack

Once thought a stand-up dude

Now only known for his ‘tude

Dwight Howard the douche

His rep gone with a “whoosh!”

Massengill sponsors his mood

DUIs and assaults and all hell

Holdouts and failed tests, just swell

The football crime wave heats up

Hope Goodell has enough ink in his cup

Welcome to summer in the NFL

Arrests continue in a flurry

Big-mouth douches fill headlines in a hurry

Santonio Holmes launches a media attack

Vick continues to show logic he does lack

Make them shut the fuck up, can you Siri?

Anticipation for “The Dark Night”

Devolved into terror and fright

A sociopath piece of shit

Showed no remorse, not a little bit

I weep for a lost sense of what’s right

Last time …

George Orwell Drinks Coke

There's something kind of beautiful about this Coca-Cola commercial. And I never thought I would say that about security cameras.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIV: Federer Again Exercises Middle Finger To Pundits, Plus The Patsies’ Latest Black Eye

Written off five years ago
But off the stage he just wouldn’t go
Roger Federer has done it again
Won his seventh freaking Wimbledon
Greatest sportsman of our time, yes or no?

All of Penn State braced

For a report with shame laced

JoePa charged in Freeh’s file

With enabling a pedophile

Just one more fraud “hero” disgraced

Unintentional comedy at its heights

Mitt Romney talking about civil rights

The NAACP did boo and holler

At the criminal with the whitest collar

Makes for incredible sound bites

We’ll celebrate with beer and wine

If and when it all turns out fine

Of him, his Mom would like to be rid

But George and his future still hid

A walk-on holder for the Pack in ‘29

It made Beantown frauds like Simmons cry

Robert Kraft’s audition tape hard on the eye

“Dating” an anorexic model wannabe

Roughly 40 years younger than he

A Belicheat videographer taped it on the sly

Last time …

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 58

#1

In basketball, New Zealand’s national team name is the “Tall Blacks.” Not kidding. I have nothing further.

#2

So I felt like the premise of “Great Escape” was kinda cool, and kicking off the show on Alcatraz was great, but this one just didn’t click. And I’m generally a Rich Eisen fan, but he came off as extremely uncomfortable as the host. Also, having one of the contestants being a twitchy heroin addict talking desperately about being homeless and $15,000 in debt made the show likely good practice for him in trying to break out of prison. #ultimatereality

#3

So South Carolina has a baseball player named Joey Pankake. How many “batter” jokes has this poor bastard heard in his life?!

#4

Just in case you thought the lowest common denominator wasn’t being targeted enough, the ever-so-rare Gump electoral tactic. Politics is like a box of chocolates ...

#5

So, some of the “Star Wars” Tatooine locations are still standing—and even being lived in—in the remote desert of Tunisia. I kept expecting to see a drunken Uncle Owen slumped in a corner.

#6

The actor who plays Glenn on “The Walking Dead” (Steven Yeun) was depicted as Sheldon’s first roomie in the “Staircase Implementation” episode of “Big Bang Theory.” Let’s just say that his characters have had a rough few years.

#7

Apparently, Novak Djokovic, one of the finest tennis players in the history of the game, has never been on the cover of Sports Illustrated. LeBron James was on the cover four times in the last two months. Just sayin’ ...

#8

A dude interviews his 12-year-old self 20 years later, and the result is alternately funny, cool and creepy.

#9

The Charlotte Observer is the latest to weigh in on the never-ending UNC cheating scandal with the cartoon below. How far does this stretch? The more UNC only pretends to investigate, the longer it’s going to take and the more is going to be unearthed.

#10

RIP to New Orleans fixture and “Treme” regular Uncle Lionel Batiste. Drummer Herman LeBeaux once said that the “pulse of the city” is inside Batiste’s bass drum. Frenchman Street and the Treme Bass Band will never be the same.

Solid “50/50” Can’t Quite Blossom Into What Its Potential Pointed To

Occasionally, you come across a movie that earns accolades based mostly on its willingness to take on a difficult subject. I thought “50/50” sort of fit into that category, though it was worthy of some of its acclaim and certainly was a brave glimpse into cancer (I would say it was a more accurate depiction than, say, “The Big C,” for instance).

In the lead role as Adam, a drifting 20-something dealing with the lightning strike of cancer, Joseph Gordon-Levitt shows just how much he’s matured since his days on “Third Rock from the Sun.” Seth Rogan has his moments as Adam’s best friend Kyle, but he falls short of the oh-so-difficult cross-over from comedy to drama of which he appears to be striving.

The stunning Bryce Dallas Howard is effective as Adam’s off-and-on girlfriend, who realistically behaves erratically as she attempts to come to terms with what Adam’s diagnosis truly means. I also thought Anjelica Houston did a nice job portraying a mother in a really tough spot, trying to deal both physically and emotionally with a husband suffering from Alzheimer’s and an uncommunicative son with cancer.

But the true scene-stealing moments come from Philip Baker Hall, who shines as Alan, who is Adam’s quasi-mentor and co-chemotherapy mate. The gruff Hall has had a rough year, having kicked it on both “Modern Family” and “50/50,” but his performance here emanates with the emotions and challenges that you wish the movie itself shared.

This flick wasn’t without a really good cast and a strong soundtrack, and it even displayed some effective metaphors (the volcano, the radio). However, I couldn’t help but take issue with Adam finding the book about cancer in Kyle’s bathroom. I just found it too predictable and felt it gave Adam too easy of an out after he spent most of the movie being self-absorbed and borderline manipulative toward Adam’s condition.

I also felt that Adam’s fear of driving was completely glossed over; whether it was symptomatic of his neuroticism or a symbol of his overall fear of life, it just wasn’t explained or handled well enough.

So while I think “50/50” was good, I also thought it was missing an indefinable something that may have elevated its resonance. It did a fine job of embracing a hard topic, but I found myself feeling as if it narrowly missed what it might have truly been.

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIII: HBO Breaks Up The Summer Doldrums Again, Plus Time To Dust Off The Scooters

Prohibition and politics never boring

That describes the ‘20s, roaring

“Boardwalk Empire” has it all

“Sopranos” + “Untouchables,” doll

A show that you can’t be ignoring

Scientists everywhere are quite cheery

Found Higgs Boson, though still leery

Huge news for every lab wiz

But like 6 people know what it is

And three of them are on “Big Bang Theory”

Heat that we can’t deal with

Has me reaching for a beer and a fifth

Millions struggle without power

Really weird at this hour

Because global warming is a “myth”?

A year ago, labor strife in NFL

This year, headlines from courtroom hell

Bounties and defamation and suspension

And more NFLPA-commish tension

Would tread carefully, Roger Goodell

The dog days stifling and hazy

Just wanna be cool and lazy

But it’s time for rankings and computers

And a bounce-back for bad-luck Scooters

Fantasy football is back—crazy

Last time …

Save the Arctic

Radiohead and a homeless polar bear. What else do you really need?

Man, I Miss Cheers ...

Beat the heat and gain a few brain cells all at the same time. 

Happy Fourth of July to you all ...