Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Demonic Possession Meets Abduction Theory in Ultimately Fraudulent “The Fourth Kind”




In a unique presentation, “The Fourth Kind” starts out with a documentary-style opening, with actress Milla Jovovich introducing herself and addressing the audience directly. She shares that the film is a “dramatization” that centers on the story of Dr. Abigail Emily “Abby” Tyler (the hauntingly beautiful Jovovich plays the worn, beat-down Abby in a stark contrast), a psychologist who experiences “extremely disturbing events” in the course of her work in Nome, Alaska. The idea behind the movie was to mirror actual footage with dramatic re-enactments in some areas to heighten the realism needed to lend credence to the story.

Abby and her husband and fellow psychologist, Will, were partnering to research the coincidences and similarities shared by some 300 people in Nome, who were experiencing sleep deprivation caused by the appearance of a white owl waking them up at 3 in the morning, just like staring at them and hovering over them sometimes. [SPOILER ALERT: Hey, what if the owl is actually dozens of shadowy aliens doing abductions and then erasing the memories? J/k, wtf, lol, AYFKM]

One night, Will’s post-coital naptime is interrupted by the small matter of being stabbed and murdered by an intruder. And despite her being right next to her husband, Abby is unable to recollect the man’s face, even under hypnosis.

Speaking of hypnosis, the eerie factor kicks into overdrive when two of Abby’s patients endure full-body freakouts when placed in a hypnotic state, to the point of sustaining severe bodily injury and nausea. When one of Abby’s patients, Tommy, takes his family hostage, begins spouting a strange language and then murders all of them before offing them himself, the local sheriff (played by the underrated Will Patton) says, “Hey, maybe it’s time I have a spot of tea with this creep-show doctor whose husband just died under, shall we say, unusual circumstances.”

The tea party ends amiably enough, with the sheriff saying, “Hey, you know, the next time it looks like someone is going to start channeling defunct languages and pot-shotting his family, give me a bell, eh?” But the sheriff gets super-pissed (“You’re not gonna use the people of Nome for a goddam rat study”) when another hypnotic session that begins with some relatively harmless levitation and demonic possession ends with a few crushed vertebrae and a paralyzed patient—all while Abby supervised.

Late on evening, as Abby tries to piece together the day’s events, she falls asleep while dictating some notes about how dangerous the research is getting and how caution is the key. The next day, her psychologist colleague, Abel Campos (played by Elias Koteas) is waiting for her at her office, having flown up from Anchorage to check on her, you know, platonically and all. Well, her secretary found some rather disturbing audio on the tape, complete with distortion and sounds of a struggle and an undeterminable language. That’s when Abby suspects she has been abducted as well, and a suspicious scratch on her arm and nail marks found on her floor backed up this theory.

Along the way, the sheriff pays Abby another visit, and he’s on the verge of locking her up when Campos intervenes, asking for more time to determine what is actually happening here. A cop is posted outside of the Tyler house, and in the wee hours, the police car video seems to indicate that a flying saucer had a stopover, and when Abby’s daughter Ashley (who, by the way, has gone blind after her father’s murder) is missing, Abby tells the livid sheriff that a “beam of light” stole her daughter. Both the sheriff and Abby’s son, Ronnie, are, well, unconvinced, and Ronnie is happy to enter protective police custody, as even he is creeped the fuck out by his mom at this point.

Reaching the point of no return, Abby find the number to a mysterious doctor in one of Will’s books, and she rings him up. It turns out that he is Dr. Odusami, a language specialist who eventually identifies the language on the recordings as Sumerian. He then launches into a quick Rosetta Stone seminar on how the Sumerians date back to 4th century B.C.E. and talked a lot about spaceships and suits and oxygen masks and other freak-ass stuff.

What to do now? Well, hell, let’s throw Abby under hypnosis as Campos supervises and Odusami films. That can’t go wrong, right? Well, if by wrong you mean that Abby is attacked by an unidentified Sumerian quasi-god and reduced to the subject of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” and that they then all are abducted by once, then, yes. Things can go wrong.

Abby awakes in the hospital, apparently paralyzed now. The sheriff is there, and he welcomes her to the conscious state by showing her pictures that indicate that Will committed suicide. Right next to her. With a gun. Which, in some people’s view, may severely call into question Abby’s credibility. When Campos refuses to back up her assertions of the abduction, Abby is visibly crushed, and she is unable to offer any insights into where Ashley is when the sheriff presses her.

The flick ends with a continuation of Abby’s interview at Chapman University, where she is now reduced to a wheelchair. She reiterates her theory that millions of people are abducted, but that the aliens are able to erase their memories so that they are completely unaware of these abductions. Then the credits roll, with numerous 911 calls to report UFOs serving as the soundtrack to the fade to black, plus text that says that Ashley has never been found and no one besides Abby was willing to participate in the film’s making.

Curiously, at least to me, the DVD contained no “bonus” area with newspaper articles or background of the story, just a few lame extended scenes. But hell, we’d just experienced a thoroughly gripping, jarring, frightening movie, one that leaves you with a tinge of “what if” and a minor case of the willies. Not bad for a sci-fi flick, right?


Well, only if you’re willing to also suspend disbelief over some minor problems. Such as the fact that all assertions that this flick is based on real evidence or case studies is, well, not real. Such as the fact that even the nominal originator of these studies, Dr. Tyler, is played by an actress, Charlotte Milchard (to her credit, Milchard achieves maximum creepiness, making her a tremendous fit for the role). Such as the fact that it was filmed in Bulgaria and Canada, robbing realism from even the beautiful scenery of Alaska. Such as all of the questions and confusion dissipates quickly when the entire movie falls apart under even the slightest, most cursory examination.

So at the end of the day, writer and director Olatunde Osunsanmi has created a mockumentary, complete with fabricated newspaper archives (which led to the film being sued successfully by the Alaska Press Club). His film continuously took the lazy way out, asking the viewer to believe what they want, but then leaving out key facts needed to make such a determination. Pretending to have one foot in the documentary world and another in the feature-film world is problematic even if that was honest; the documentary aspect demands further explanation, more concrete evidence, but the feature film aspect makes that unnecessary and extraneous.

So was there any basis at all for the premise of this film? Well, yes … sort of. The FBI did investigate a string of disappearances in Nome, but they eventually chalked it up to a combination of “alcohol and frigid temperatures,” according to CNN (*insert conspiracy theories here*). Hell, at least the sublime “Blair Witch Project” had a sound backstory to fall back on; even the realm of hoaxes has a level of self-respect that “The Fourth Kind” is missing.

Disappointingly, Osunsanmi seemed to ignore the fact that the Internet era does not allow for the hiding of the truth for very long, and he elected not to try very hard to drum up a backstory in the DVD or elsewhere. There are some intriguing stats shared in the context of the film, such as 11 million UFOs have been reported since the 1930s, and many fall in the camp represented by the famous “X-Files” poster that declares, “I Want to Believe.”

Unfortunately, “The Fourth Kind” left the audience not only still wanting—but feeling lied to and even more skeptical.






Friday, November 16, 2012

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI: When Fantasy Football Makes Zero Sense, Plus No-Luck Nuck On “Boardwalk Empire”





 Megatron finally scored
Jackson played like he wasn’t bored
The Cowboys D was a force
Steve Smith disappeared, of course
I finally fucking won!? I’m floored

Can’t tackle worth a bean
Turnovers border on obscene
Mistakes, penalties abound
No playmakers to be found
As the Dolphins return to the mean

For the baby, Daryl steps up alone
Though he misses Carol with an inner moan
Rick’s gone off the reservation
Michonne chose self-preservation
Who the fuck’s on the phone?

R.A. Dickey, as good as it gets
The lone bright spot for the Mets
A Cy Young Award well-earned
His life offers lessons learned
Doubt him? Call off all bets
 
Nucky’s empire crumbling
Billie’s dead and his decision bumbling
Margaret wants to run off with Sleater
Rosetti to be killed sooner than later
Will Nucky find it all crushing or humbling?

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 61





#1
You can’t really separate alcohol and religion can you? The Beer Prayer represents a resounding “No.”

#2
“Boardwalk Empire” killed off Jimmy Darmody. I’m still in shock.
One of the most complex characters in the history of television drama, he had an eventful final few episodes, as viewers saw him get raped by his mother, find his wife murdered, kill his father and then get murdered by his father figure.

#3
There’s a restaurant in Raleigh named “Your House.” WTF? Isn’t the concept behind eating out based on the fact that you don’t have or want to eat anything in your house?

#4
So the NBC show “Revolution” tosses around the word “dick” pretty regularly for some reason. Really? That’s OK now on network TV?

#5
I think Notre Dame loses to USC and the national title game actually turns into Oregon vs. Kansas State. The four-game playoff in 2014 can't come fast enough ...

#6
Here lies a list of lies that writers tell themselves. I believe I have used them all at least once.

#7
For those of us who are tired of “Keep Calm” posters, here’s a nifty alternative.

#8
Has any show ever gone from promising premise to unfocused irrelevance quite like “Weeds”?

#9
In a field populated by truly horrific “talent,” Moose Johnston is a truly horrific announcer. That’s really all I have.

#10
Need to go viraler and viraler? Now there’s Buyral. As an added bonus, it also gives you a good Cl-app for your unit.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Calmer Than You Are


I encountered a poor man's Jeffrey Lebowski at the Super Target the other day. This "Dude" seemed genuinely puzzled by bacon for at least 20 minutes. I can only hope he wrote a check for it.

Friday, November 09, 2012

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX: Moving Forward, On (Almost) Every Level




Fostering voter confusion
Just part of the Republican delusion
A lesson learned for everyone
That nothing good was ever won
By preaching hate and exclusion

Against a rival, they played scared
Never energetic or prepared
A golden opportunity lost
Just whose job will it cost?
Dreams of better? State fans dared

During a terrifying prison raid
T-Dog jumped on the grenade
Lori learned the meaning of mother
Gave her life for a new other
An emotional “Walking Dead” in spades

A team full of Pro Bowlers on loan
Except that they can’t find the end zone
Lose to guys named Mikel LeShoure
Make you wonder what it’s all for
Fantasy football makes you laugh, then moan

Jokes, they’ve been hard to find
Focus hasn’t been on my mind
Writing has been a chore
Has never been an issue before
Sudden loss is so unkind

Forgive the hiatus …

Friday, September 14, 2012

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIX: The Beach Truly Beckons, Plus A Predictable Start For State & ‘Fins




A coupla months kinda rough
Still fortunate and doubly tough
So a trip down to the OBX
Is a much-deserved trip up next
Wind, salt, sea and beer are enough

Stop me if you’ve heard this before
The Scooters on the wrong end of the score
Wes Welker went MIA
Did Stephen Jackson even play?
Injuries, underachievers and déjà vu more

Mouth Breather would always walk and travel
But avoided the ACC refs’ gavel
His Mom a homewrecker and thief
Sleeping with another UNC queef
The Carolina Way continues to unravel

Progress can seem so slow
But faster at home it could go
The good fight she has fought
With prayers and happy thoughts
Proud of and hopeful for strong Mo

Rather go mow my lawn
Then watch a squeaker up at UConn
Can State put it together for wins
Unlike my unsalvageable ‘Fins?
Another season already gone



Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Deep Thoughts By No-Look McFadden: Episode 60




#1
There is not a finer journalist in the land than Matt Taibbi of Rolling Stone. Unquestionably one of my writing heroes.

#2
Another week, another scandal over at UNC, this one involving TylerWill “The Mouthbreather” Hansbrough’s mother and fraud and infidelity and embezzling and whatever else you can pretty much think of. At this rate, the Tar Heels are encroaching on dirtiest athletic program in the history of the NCAA. The Carolina Way, indeed.

#3
Brilliance from J.R. Moehringer of ESPN the Magazine, breaking down the push and pull of football. I would say No.s 85-87 pretty accurately describe my life philosophy to fandom.

#4
Thanks to “Song of Mitt’s Self,” we finally get a chance to see what Romney stands for. Inspiring stuff.

#5
Did you know they made a horrific sequel to the epic “Christmas Story”? Yeah, me neither.

#6
So Triangle sports media thought Duke would not only cover, but win, at Stanford this past weekend. The final? Stanford 50. Duke 13. Reason #814 why sports media in this area is a sad, running joke.

#7
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. But how can you not like a President who brews beer in the White House?

#8
So Ed Hochuli’s son, Shawn, is also a football official. It was good to see him not draw attention to his arms while also not blowing several calls and telling 75,000 of his closest friends about them for 3-4 minutes in the Utah-Utah State game the other night.

#9
This LSU R2D2 keg is unquestionably the greatest thing of ever.

#10
This Bud commercial, called “Clydesdale Respect,” aired once, right after 9/11. It was powerful to view it again on an emotional anniversary.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Monday, September 10, 2012

That Time Don Draper Got Rickrolled



More Joanie dancing needed ...

Friday, September 07, 2012

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: The First Lady Owns Charlotte, Plus Long Nights And Hopeful Days




In the midst of hatred and ire
A memorable speech to inspire
Michelle Obama took the stage
And used logic to defuse rage
An elegant role model to admire

Dez Bryant, an immature young pup
Strip clubs, arrests and piss in a cup
His Mom just 13 years older
So he punched her in the head and shoulder
Now he has a babysitter, can’t make it up

Against Tennessee, State laid a big fart
Didn’t play physical or smart
Expectations lessened once again
“Groundhog Day” meets “Just win”
Another year, another slow start

Cheat enough to change your fate
Say sorry then increase the cheating rate
The Pack makes the NCAA nervous
So they took it out on Wilson and Purvis
So mad at the cheaters they punished State

Too many moments of touch and go
Too many answers of “We don’t know”
So we burned up I-40 East
And were there, at the least
To offer what we could to beloved Mo


Thursday, September 06, 2012

FF2012, Part Deux: Wrapping Up And Escaping The Hell’s Angels of Wake Forest






As you could have surmised from Part I of our draft recap, we were drafting in a rather, um, colorful environment. By the time there were only a few rounds left, we were starting to get some looks and the pace of the picks ramped up (thank goodness).

Anyway, here’s what went down the rest of the way ...



10th round, 133rd overall: Cowboys, D/ST, Dallas
In need of a defense, I snagged Dallas here. Though they face a difficult schedule, I like the additions of Morris Claiborne and Brandon Carr at cornerback, and Claiborne could bring some return TDs as well. The Cowboys should give me at least a competitive D/ST this year, with the potential to develop into a top-five-caliber unit (that’s what she said). Of course, whenever Jerry Jones is in the mix, the possibility of a cataclysmic disintegration of the entire team is possible.

11th round, 148th overall: Jared Cook, TE, Tennessee Titans
In Round 9, the dude picking one spot ahead of me nabbed Jason Witten, who I had tabbed as a mid-round steal due to, well, a ruptured spleen or something. Anyway. Cook was a guy I had targeted as a sleeper-type, and the dude I had as a TE sleeper last year turned out pretty OK—Jimmy Graham. Cook was hard to stop down the stretch a season ago, and the hope is that second-year quarterback Jake Locker will look his way early and often this year, as young signal-callers are wont (look it up) to do. I’ll need a strong backup in case Cook tanks, but at this point, I’m digging the pick.

12th round, 161st overall: Jake Locker, QB, Tennessee Titans
Speaking of Locker, it behooves me to share that, in our league, any player taken after the 12th round in a draft can be “kept” as a sixth-rounder the following season provided you keep that 12th-rounder on your roster all year long. So I likely would not have chosen Locker here except that I needed a backup quarterback and he fits the mold of a player with breakout potential, which would make him a keeper next year. He also brings a mobility dimension to the position that plays well in fantasy football ... but I do admit that I am somewhat concerned that I took back-to-back Titans players.

13th round, 176th overall: Michael Floyd, WR, Arizona Cardinals
Thus far in the preseason, the reviews on Floyd have not been favorable, and he hasn’t made the impact that many had predicted thus far in Arizona. I considered him to be a bit overrated and a bit of an off-the-field risk coming into April’s draft, so that doesn’t shock me, but as another potential keeper, there is a lot of talent there if the light comes on. I’m not sure John Skelton is the triggerman of whom any wideout says, “This guy can get me to the next level,” but Floyd is a solid No. 5 wideout on my squad and plays for a team that is likely to find itself playing from way behind most of the year.


So do we get any points for stiff arms?

14th round, 190th overall: Owen Daniels, TE, Houston Texans
Daniels certainly isn’t a game-breaker, but he’s long been a solid target and favorite of Schaub, making him a nice fit as a backup tight end on the Scooters. I was a tad surprised he lasted into the 14th round, but with the focus for many shifting to kickers and defense, this seemed like a nice value selection. Speaking of kickers and defenses, I had to start scrambling for those—always the least-favorite part of your fantasy football draft day.

15th round, 205th overall: Alex Henery, K, Philadelphia Eagles
The Iggles seem to score a lot of points. Michael Vick seems destined for a dislocated pancreas this year. That should mean more field goals. Sold.

16th round, 218th overall: Devery Henderson, WR, New Orleans Saints
Henderson was a guy that I liked a lot more than most, as you can never go wrong with a Saints skill player. And with Robert Meacham off to San Diego, he has moved up to No. 3 on the WR chart for New Orleans—behind two guys who seem perpetually injured (Marques Colston and Lance Moore). Anyway, this was an extreme value pick and a guy I had pegged for going a couple of rounds earlier, so this was the ideal way for me to round out my receiving corps.

17th round, 233rd overall: Mike Nugent, K, Cincinnati Bengals
I hesitated to draft someone who even shares a last name with that disturbed piece of shit Ted Nugent, and my mood didn’t improve much when I found out that Mike had already been injured. But as my No. 2 kicker, I filed it under the advice provided by that sage guru Clark W. Griswold: “Do you really think it matters Eddie?”

18th round, 246th overall: Rams, D/ST, St. Louis
This was my final choice of a marathon draft and one of the only defenses left. Beyond that, I have absolutely nothing cogent to offer about this choice.














SUMMARY:
Headed into this draft, I already had a cornerstone wide receiver in Antonio Brown as a keeper, so there certainly wasn’t a concrete decision made to use three of my top four picks on wideouts. But that’s just how the draft board fell for me, and with the rise of RB-by-committee approaches and the rules changes to benefit aerial attacks, WRs are gaining in value on running backs.

Obviously, I am tremendously strong at wide receiver, and I also like the depth of my running back corps. I am cautiously optimistic at quarterback, iffy at tight end and likely looking to play a bit of waiver-wire bingo to shore up my defense/special teams units. Kicker? I mean, it’s hard to tell.

As the season progresses, I have more than enough ammo at the skill positions to upgrade at tight end or defense or even quarterback if necessary—which is always a good position to be in. I think the boom-or-bust player is likely to be Matt Schaub; if he can play like he did before he was injured, my team should really take off. If he is rusty and/or reinjured, I’m going to be scrambling at that spot. But the reality is most teams in fantasy football likely feel the same way.

On a side note, I was borderline shocked that LeGarrette Blount wasn’t selected at all in a 14-team, 18-round draft. Sure, he’s lost the starting job to a rookie, but the guy has done some strong things in this league and ... well, I just was very surprised at that. Carry on.

Anyway, I am once more happy overall with the way the draft came together for the Scooters, but I’ve certainly been in this position before. Will injuries take mercy on my squad this year? Will youngsters blossom and oldsters dig out one more productive year? Or will jitters and growing-old-overnight ruin my chances?

The answers to those questions are why we play, mates. They’re why we play.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

FF 2012: Challenging Irish Samoan Biker Fans In North Carolina



It’s not every year you have a fantasy football draft at an Irish pub in North Carolina populated by bikers and dudes wearing Haloti Ngata jersey T-shirts, but that’s where I found myself a few days back. Throw in some leather-faced ‘neck chicks assaulting a slot machine of a serene summer eve, and you have all the signs that football is back in the air.

Of course, not 24 hours later, I found out one new player had a foot infection and then 10 minutes after turning on the TV, watched as another player turned his ankle. So it is already shaping up to be another Scooters fantasy football year very early on ...

Without further ado ...


1st round, 8th Overall: Megatron, WR, Detroit Lions
With Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees and Tom Brady already off the board at No. 8, this was a relatively easy pick. I thought for a few seconds about Matthew Stafford because of how quarterback-slanted our league’s scoring leagues are, but I just think Calvin Johnson was way too good to pass up here. The dude catches anything within a 20-foot radius, has go-go-gadget arms and boasts the speed for distance scores. Also, he’s a Transformer.

2nd round, 21st overall: Stephen Jackson, RB, St. Louis Rams
Somehow, some way, I always end up with S-Jax on my team every freaking year. Every year, I think the Rams are going to be better and he’s going to get more goal-line opportunities. Every year, he destroys his body racking up yards, only to see Insertkickernamehere miss a 52-yarder. Well, dammit, here we are again, and I’m fighting for optimism once more. I cain’t quit you, Stephen Jackson. He should catch more passes out of the backfield and benefit from a few breathers every now and again. And if not, I’m never drafting him again. Seriously. I promise. Well ... I mean, maybe if he slides ...

3rd round, 36th overall: Wes Welker, WR, New England Patriots
For a Dolphins fan, you must understand that this choice is like choosing the devil as your bowling partner. However, with Megatron and Antonio Brown (my sixth-round keeper) already in the fold, I now have the makings of a stellar WR corps as the core of my team. I was surprised Welker slid this far, and headed into a contract year, I think he’s going to benefit from added attention for “Meathead” Gronkowski and “Tattoo” Hernandez all season long. And as a side bonus, I won’t be that upset if Welker gets injured or disappears. And yes, I’m fully aware that I jinxed myself in a big way.

4th round, 49th overall: Steve Smith, WR, Carolina Panthers
OK, so I have a love-hate relationship with Steve Smith. I love the way he plays the game, his tenaciousness and the competitive fire to prove everyone whoever doubted him wrong. But I hate his attitude and his lack of focus, which always seem to pop up at the worst possible times. I think Cam Newton has rejuvenated Smith’s career, and Smith is worth having simply because of how valuable he is on distance broken plays created by Newton buying time. And with Megatron, Welker and Brown, I also have coverage in case Smith, you know, beats the giant teeth out of Newton’s head on the team plane or something.



5th round, 64th overall: Shonn Greene, RB, New York Jets
Every year features a pinch-your-nose-and-gulp pick, and this was it for the Scooters. In my defense, I was in need of a running back and Greene was the only back left without a large question mark next to his name in terms of injury, workload or offense (Was there one next to talent? Maybe). New offensive coordinator Tony Sparano is a three-yards-and-a-cloud-of-field goals coach, and my guess is he’ll hammer the absolutely crap out of Greene since there isn’t a legit quarterback on this squad. What does that translate to for Greene? Hard to say, but the hope is that I won’t have to use him too often. [Insert your own Tebow-is-the-best-back-on-the-team-anyway joke here.]

6th round, 77th overall: Antonio Brown, WR, Pittsburgh Steelers
As a post-12th-round selection from the year before, I was able to designate Brown a sleeper for the price of a sixth-rounder, so I pulled the trigger. This move looked even better when Mike Wallace was holding out, but I still think Brown is Ben Roethlisberger’s most reliable non-bar-bathroom-stall target, and Wallace has post-holdout-hamstring-injury written all over him this year. Either way, I’m a Brown fan (though I fear he’s going to injure himself doing his TD dance) and liked the idea of landing my fourth top-notch receiver in this spot.

7th round, 92nd overall: Jonathan Stewart, RB, Carolina Panthers
I was mildly surprised that Stewart was still around in this position, and even though he injured his ankle in the preseason, I snapped him up. There are obvious questions about the Panthers RB situation with DeAngelo Williams and even Mike Tolbert in play, along with goal-line vulture Cam Newton. The good news is that, in my estimation, Stewart is their best back, and I was happy to offset the Greene choice with a back of Stewart’s caliber here. If all goes right, he’ll be more of a bye-week contributor anyway ... as long as he stays on Steve Smith’s good side.



8th round, 10th overall: Matt Schaub, QB, Houston Texans
Again, I was surprised to grab a quarterback of Schaub’s pedigree at this point. Sure, he’s coming off a major injury and is arguably on the downside of his career, but he’s got some intriguing weapons and is only a couple of years removed from a near-5,000-yard campaign. And after losing some firepower on defense, I have to wonder whether the Texans will be in more shootouts in 2012. With Arian Foster and Ben Tate lugging the rock, the play-action shots to Andre Johnson should continue to flow, so despite missing out on the big QB names, I was pretty happy with nabbing Schaub at this spot.

9th round, 120th overall: David Wilson, RB, New York Giants
I wasn’t really looking to round out my running back corps with this pick, but when Wilson was still around, I took the plunge. The rookie out of Virginia Tech was a first-rounder for a reason, and Ahmad Bradshaw hasn’t been the healthiest of backs during his time in New York. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Wilson at least splitting carries at some point this year, and his sheer upside made him a quality selection at this stage. Halfway through the draft, I was a little nervous about tight end and defense/special teams, but in terms of skill-position depth, I didn’t think it could’ve gone a whole lot better for the Scooters.


Next up: Part II ...

Monday, August 27, 2012

“Most Important” Preseason Game Also Most Revealing For Reeling ‘Fins




Anyone who’s anyone in the NFL (and even those who aren’t anyone) will tell you about the importance of the third preseason game. It’s the first one of the exhibitions that feature teams game-planning specifically for one another, when first-teamers play well into the second half, when a regular-season atmosphere is instilled.

If all that’s true, it may be an even longer season than I previously anticipated. Last week, Miami had a rough go of it vs. the Panthers, and this week the Dolphins took on Atlanta—a bonafide playoff team—in monsoon-like conditions at ProSunDolphinLandSharkRobbie Stadium Park.


THE POSITIVES:
  • On “Hard Knocks,” offensive guard John Jerry has been a whipping boy, being given rep after rep after rep until he either gets it, throws up, loses some weight—or all three. Why is he in the coaches’ sights so much? Because as Dolphins line coach Jim Turner said on the show, Jerry has All-Pro potential. Players should be worried only when coaches don’t even try with them. Jerry backed up the added attention with strong play vs. Atlanta, combination-blocking effectively and paving the way for some nice running yardage in the first half. Lack of consistency has been one of his key issues, so can he keep it up? That’s the biggest question for this kid.
  • Speaking of running the ball, second-year tailback Daniel Thomas looked good against the Falcons. He ripped off a couple of sizeable runs, and in general looked much quicker and more committed to his cuts than he did a year ago. He should offer Miami a nice change of pace with Reggie Bush this year.
  • Cameron Wake looked like, well, Cameron Wake. Freakish ability. The next step for Cam is to turn good plays into great plays by forcing turnovers, but it’s hard to believe he isn’t capable of doing just that.
  • Koa Misi, who has been treading on the “bust” line for a couple of years now, looks reborn as a 4-3 linebacker. He still has some fundamentals to nail down when he’s playing out in space, but his play has been one of the few bright spots this preseason for the Dolphins.
  • Gary Guyton looks to be a nice addition as a backup linebacker. The former Patriot is pretty active in the passing lanes, and depending on your how-full-is-the-glass outlook, he either broke up two passes the other night or dropped two interceptions.
  • The light has appeared to have come on for cornerback Sean Smith. The dreadlocks are gone, the confidence is there and he is much more physical in run support. Headed into a contract year, Smith appears to have at least put himself in position to emerge as a plus defender for the ‘Fins.
  • Try as I might, I am having a hard time envisioning a scenario where Marlon Moore doesn’t make the team as a fifth or sixth receiver. He is just too valuable on special teams and too promising as a wideout to give up on at this point, in my estimation.
  • Also on special teams, it was surprising to see veteran running back Steve Slaton make a couple of plays in that area the other evening. He also looked solid catching passes out of the backfield, and he may have regained the advantage for the No. 4 RB spot from Marcus Thigpen.
  • I thought backup quarterback Matt Moore threw several nice balls in relief against the Falcons, but he was absolutely wrecked by mind-numbing dropped passes. I still view Moore as an asset to this squad from a leadership and experience perspective.


THE NEGATIVES:
  • The red-zone offense still needs a lot of work. For a team that doesn’t look to find itself in that vicinity very often in 2012, Miami needs to find a way to convert for seven instead of three every now and again.
  • At safety, Reshad Jones is way out of position way too often. He’s basically been gift-wrapped a starting job this offseason, but he certainly hasn’t put his stamp on the position.
  • One of the players that everyone pointed to immediately as gaining the most from the hiring of Joe Philbin was H-back Charles Clay. After showing some signs as a receiving threat as a rookie a season ago, Clay has been inconsistent this preseason. For a team screaming for some type of threat to emerge in the passing game, I have to consider Clay a big disappointment thus far.
  • On that same thread, the receivers on the whole (including the tight ends) continue to be, well, depressing. I lost track of dropped passes against Atlanta, and when you add a position-wide inability to gain separation, that’s a pretty bad combo.
  • As noted above, it looked like Marcus Thigpen took a step back in his quest to earn a job in the running back corps. He dropped a potential big gainer and was nondescript in the return game, severely hurting his chances.
  • Elsewhere in the running back competition, rookie Lamar Miller again failed to make an impact. I still think he runs tentatively and hasn’t been put in position to use his speed in space. I also question why he hasn’t seen any action returning kicks as well—if Thigpen is borderline to make the team, what is the backup plan in the return game? I don’t think they want to put their No. 1 (shudder) receiver, Davone Bess, back there anymore.
  • Is “7/11” finally closed? “Hard Knocks” darling Chris Hogan received no legitimate snaps against the Falcons, making it difficult to see how he possibly fits on the active roster at this point.


THE TRADE:
Over the weekend, Miami traded underachieving fourth-year corner Vontae Davis to the Indianapolis Colts for a second-rounder and a sixth-rounder in next year’s draft. My first impression was that the Dolphins did surprisingly well in compensation for a player who was first benched and then mocked on a national stage. My second impression is that Miami continues to leak talent without bringing much or any of it back into the fold.

There’s no question that Davis is a headcase (who once injured himself celebrating a tackle) with maturity issues, but his corner skills are unquestioned and he has the talent to become a top-five cornerback in this league. At 24 years old, the biggest question for the new few years will be whether the ‘Fins gave up on the former first-rounder too early. One only need to look at his brother, Vernon, who suffered through many of the same knuckleheaded, uncoachable issues for years before emerging as one of the NFL’s top tight ends in San Francisco.

To me, one of the key variables was the relative emergence of fellow cornerback (and draft classmate) Sean Smith, as noted above. Thus far, Smith seems to have overcome the same maturity and discipline problems that he shared with Davis, and many feel Smith has turned a corner (pun intended) this year (knock on wood). With Smith’s contract expiring soon, I always felt that Miami would eventually be forced to choose between Smith and Davis, not having the money to re-sign both. Well, Smith took the necessary step forward while Davis took several steps back, helping to make that decision easier—and quicker.

So while many see this as a move to remove a problem child, I think the Dolphins got very strong value for a promising young player that didn’t work out in Miami. Now, whether you think general manager Jeff Ireland will just find a way to screw up that second-rounder by picking someone who he’ll either cut or trade for a sixth-rounder two years later is another issue ... but the reality is that the time was right to jettison Davis while he still was an appreciated commodity.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Limerick Friday LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXVIII: Dunder-Mifflin Prepping To Say Goodbye, Plus A Brutal Habit Returns





Inevitable words finally came
But the disappointment still the same
“The Office” final season
Leaving for a good reason
They’ll go in comedy’s Hall of Fame

An offensive line coming up lame
Wide receivers that no one can name
Let’s throw in a rookie QB
Then whine when he goes 6 for 23
Tannehill’s gonna catch all the blame

Just another misogynist ape
Talking about legitimate rape
Akin the worst of all
For his ouster, all call
Every politician mouth deserves duct tape

WebSourced is back, it seems
Creepy Wasps with dreams
Let’s restart the illegal tactics
And pray for no fact-checks
This is the stuff of Internet memes

Another year, another draft day
Sleepers and busts, whaddya say
Back to torture us again
‘Til a kicker costs you a win
Fantasy football, we all must play

Last time …

Monday, August 20, 2012

Brutal Preseason Showing Uncovers What Looks Like A 5-11 Miami Squad




The ‘Fins entered Week 2 of the preseason with the most excitement surrounding the squad since Gloria Estefan became part owner, bolstered by the announcement that rookie Ryan Tannehill would be getting the start nod at quarterback. Unfortunately, much like Gloria Estafan, Miami was felled by a runaway bus driven by Cam Newton.

Here’s the ugly truth of what happened in Charlotte against the Panthers:

THE POSITIVES
  • No turnovers (yay?).
  • Sean Smith looks more confident at cornerback. Can he parlay it into actual games and drop fewer than double-digit picks this year?
  • Tailback/return man Marcus Thigpen looks like a gamer, with a few nice grabs and some nifty returns. Prediction: He beats out Steve Slaton for the fourth running back job.
  • Reserve corner Nolan Carroll looks markedly stronger (and less lost) this year.
  • Reality-show creation Chris Hogan lived up to the “Hard Knocks” billing a bit with a couple of nice grabs. More importantly, he made a big tackle inside the 10-yard line on a kickoff return—key because he’ll have to make an impact on special teams in order to make the squad.
  • Undrafted free agent Derrick Shelby flashed against the second- and third-stringers, providing a good push and good energy at defensive end. Of course, the downside of that is he is significantly outplaying third-round draft pick Olivier Vernon.

THE NEGATIVES
  • The Dolphins.
  • Seriously, though, rookie Jonathan Martin was repeatedly turnstiled at right tackle. Yes, it’s early, but he appears to lack strength and you can’t convince me that he’s not Marc Columbo’s illegitimate brother at this point.
  •  The entire offensive line looked brutal.
  • The wide receiving corps, to be kind, is not NFL quality. When you’re counting down the moments until Brian Hartline returns to practice, that’s really all you need to say about the state of this position.
  • The replacement refs. Listen, I know they’re in a tough spot, but it appeared that some of these guys were members of Steve Smith’s family. The Carolina receiver attacked Vontae Davis (who’s having a bad-enough camp as it is) on several plays in a row, then ripped his helmet off at one point ... and Davis got the personal foul! Moments later, Sean Smith perfectly played a deep ball, reeled in the pick—and got whistled for a phantom pass interference call. Roger Goodell should be upping the offer to the real officials today ... you know, between quiet phone calls with Deepthroat.
  • Rookie tailback Lamar Miller appears to play much slower than his reported speed. Perhaps a hysterical Miami assistant will tag him “Ankle Weights” Miller in this week’s very special installment of “Hard Knocks.”
  • Third-round newcomer Michael Egnew is so bad at tight end that they may cut him before the regular season—you know, about a year earlier than they usually cut their third-round draft picks. I mean, when you’re getting outshone by guys who most recently played basketball and lacrosse, it’s just not going well for you.
  • I’m not saying Yeremiah Bell (now with the Jets) was the long-term answer or anything, but safety is going to be a real problem for the Dolphins again this year. Neither Chris Clemons nor Reshad Jones are starting-caliber safeties in this league, bottom line.
  • Early in his NFL career, Mike Pouncey has been solid at best, a first-round center who struggles in short yardage. He also seems to be more interested in image and promotion than the game at times, and playing grabass with Carolina quarterback Cam Newton not only after the game but at halftime does nothing to alter the perception that he’s not focused on his craft. Now, I’m not one of these guys who thinks players shouldn’t socialize or anything like that, but can you at least hold the lingering full-body embraces until after the freaking game?
  • As noted earlier, the offensive line bears most of the blame for pressure in Tannehill’s face, but the rookie signal-caller also had four passes tipped at the line of scrimmage. Miami is going to need more designed rollouts for the youngster to take advantage of his athleticism and minimize a leaky offensive front.
  • As Dolphins beat writer Armando Salguero pointed out weeks ago, a frenetic pace  and a hurry-up style is all well and good on offense—if you are actually moving the ball and scoring points. If not, well, all you’re doing is exhausting an already-overrated defense and giving the opposition more possessions. Therein lies the real danger of coach Joe Philbin’s approach for an undermanned, inexperienced attack.

BONUS THOUGHT
  • How much freaking money do the Panthers have tied up in running backs?! I mean, they just signed Jonathan Stewart to a $36.5 million extension, a year after re-upping DeAngelo Williams to the tune of $43 million. For good measure, they inked Mike Tolbert to a $10 million deal in the offseason. Is it me, or does $90 million sound like a lot to invest in that position when your quarterback is actually your best running back?